It's been 2 weeks... 2 weeks since our doctor told us that I have cancer. I don't remember that day, I've chosen not to remember it, I also dont remember the days that followed. I chose not to. I wish I could change that,  Aaron had the daunting task of reminding me everyday that I have cancer. I'm sorry I made you re live that every day.  

I remember now, but I choose most days to forget. 

I'm different now, people look at me different, they look at me speechless without words to say, and all that comes out of their mouth is; you look great!

Ha, I chuckle because it is a lie, I haven't showered in days but they say I look great!

People now look to me for wisdom, but really I am the same, I didn't die on the operating table or have some out of body spiritual experience. I have cancer. 

I choose to run away from it everyday. To me its not real, it's not happening, I'm still the same me. I don't talk about it, I don't agree about it, I sleep. I go to to sleep and ignore it. I eat breakfast with the kids, sleep, eat lunch with them and then sleep my days away. 

How can I be their mother?

How can I take care of my 3 babies?

How can I be a loving wife?

I really don't want this, I don't want this experience that is going to make me a better person, I just want to be me!

I'm numb, I have no feelings about this, no questions, no answers. 

But I will wake up everyday, I will be the best mom ever, I will be there for my kids and never let them down. Yes I have cancer, but more importantly I am their mom and I always will be. 

Appointments....

Who would have ever thought/knew there were so many different types of doctors! I'm overwhelmed just by the 40+ on my team. And what an amazing team I have!

I love knowing that not only one doctor has to agree on the plan but all of them. It's comforting knowing so many are watching out for me. 

This week we started with appointments up at the huntsman cancer center, meeting with neuro oncology, radio oncology, nurses, radiation something, social workers, neuro surgeon and so many more. 

We've started to work on my plan. After next week and meeting with a few other doctors, we will plan out my radiation. 30 treatments over 6 weeks, localized to about 3 spots, one my brain and 2 over my spine. 

I do however get 3 tattoos out of this! But I don't have much say in where, what, shape or color. 

I'm tired all the time, I'm sure I'm still recovering from surgery. I wake up, eat, sleep, eat lunch, nap, dinner and go back to bed. I'm trying really hard to be awake when the kids are home, but it's a lot harder than I thought. 

This weekend my parents took the kids to their house for a sleepover, so I'll spend my days laying in bed sleeping trying to save some energy up for their return. 

Well I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Right after surgery...

Physical therapy at home...

Home with my princess...

Stitches....

Document...

My grandmother stopped by and told me I need to document my feelings, my appointments my everything. Hopefully with time I will get better and write everything down. 

I still feel like I'm in the shock zone, keep thinking this might be a dream and I'll wake up really soon. For sure still in the drowsy, groggy stage, I most defiantly can't keep my days straight. Thank goodness for my husband and family that keep my life in order and take me to all my appointments. 

Hopefully soon I'll be more coherant and make more sense in my writing, but for now you get the real deal. 

Really right now, I'm numb. This point I'm suppose to be home from surgery just recovering, not starting a new chapter. 

We still have a lot of research and many many more dr appointments. But as we can tell I'm just unlucky, this cancer, mudullablastomia is usually found in young children. They keep telling me my chances are good, prognosis is good and it's good to be rare. I guess we will see with time. 

I know Aaron is taking on most of our burdens, he takes care of me, takes me to the appointments, talks with the doctors, schedules my treatment. While I sit back in the chair and zone everything out. He is incrediable! He hasn't left my side once, stronger and braver than ever. 

Who would have ever thought at the age of 28 and mother of 3 I would have cancer. Ahhhh! 

I'm most angry about this affecting my children. I want to be a good mother, I want to always be there for them. I don't want them to remember this. 

Parker broke my heart, he wrote a book called my heart is broken. Poor kid. I can only imagine what is going on his life. 

Macey thinks its great! Watch movies all day, play princesses and get gifts!

Addison is confused, she wanders around, calling everyone mama, looking for comfort. 

I hope through this all, I can be a strong fun mom and never let my kids down. I love them so much!

Surgery...

I'm not quite sure how everything went down and what exact days they made discoveries. 

But last week, Wednesday at 6am we headed to the university of Utah hospital for brain surgery to have my cavernous malformation removed. My biggest fear at the time was coming out of the anesthetic and being nauseous or having as peach problem. 

8:30 rolled around and they wheeled me away from Aaron back into the OR. I was awake at the time, it was big, white, bright, lots of people and lots of equipment. My nurse stood next to me the whole time, he had a university of Utah hat on. They gave me medicine in my iv and a mask on my face, and it seemed liked 5 minutes passed and they woke me up to take out the breathing tube. 

And then somehow I was in the neuro ICU, it reminded me of an airport, big glass windows all around and people always starring in. It was noisy, lots of beeping. I was soooo soooo tired, didn't/ want to open my eyes. They kept asking my name but I just wanted to sleep. 

The next few days really are a blur, I guess during this time, the lab discovered that my cavernous malformation was actually a cancerous tumor. So the next couple of days were set up with physical therapy and scans. 

I remember going to get my CT scan, they wheeled me down in my bed, lifted me on the table and hit my head, I was so mad. On the way back to my room, I started to throw up, I think it scared the nurse and she left. She finally came back, covered me with towels and dropped me off in my room. I think that day was the hardest. The next day I had a 3 hour MRI scan to see if the cancer had spread down my spine. It was hard to lay there for hours, my bum was so numb. They were nice and lifted me carefully! 

California....

We decided to skip work, school and routines and head down to California and hit the beach!

Such a wonderful time together as family. 

So much fun, so many pics! Wish I could post them all!

Tag alongs...

Aaron has the oppurtunity to work down in st. George a few times a year, and this time the kids and I decided to tag along. The kids did awesome on the five hour drive, but once we got there the night wasn't as great. First I forgot my swimsuit, who forgets their suit? So we ran to the store at 10 at night, by the time we got back and put the kids to bed it was after 11, suprisingly they fell asleep great! Midnight Addison woke up fussy and with a really high fever. I stayed up with her all night trying to cool her off, during that time both macey and Parker had wet the bed. Through all that, they still slept pretty well. The next morning, Thursday, Aaron got up and ent to work. The kids and I had a great breakfast and then hit the pool! Parker and macey have no fear and love the water! Addison on the other hand is much more cautious and took a long time to warm up to the idea of getting in. But overall the kids so far are having a blast!

This kid loves the water!!!

I'm ok...

I haven't been very nervous about my upcoming surgery. I've actually felt the complete opposite, very calm and easy going. 

The hardest part has been waiting. Knowing for over a month. If you know me waiting is very hard to do, I'm a time person. 

So I've had all this time to worry about the order of my home, and small meaningless teadious things. Finally, I've come to the point, it doesn't matter. All that matters, is where my kids will be, who will be loving me and who will be taking care of my little family. With much love my parents and grandparents are giving up all their time to help take care of my family. And it means the world to me!

The first time I had a pinch of nerves was when I was at pre-op appointment, when the nurse told me I couldn't wear my wedding ring, a rush of nerves came over my body and my eyes filled with tears. That moment passed very quickly and I was back feeling peaceful. 

I'm down to 2 days and we are trying to cram in as much fun as possible! Trip to st George, trip to California, birthdays and many park days. 

I love my family and can't wait to run after them.