Tender Mercies

My heart is so full and I am feeling so blessed right now.  It's been one of those days and moments where I can feel Heavenly Father's love for me and His hand evident in my life. 

We are all given spiritual gifts.  We all receive personal revelation.  We are all different and and receive these things in different ways.  For me, it is through dreams.  I've been very blessed in my life to have some very special and sacred dreams.  Many of them of my mom and those that have passed away.  Now, I do have some silly dreams about them, dreams that I know are just dreams and sometimes they are bad/sad dreams...but, sometimes I have those dreams where I know they are not just silly dreams.  They are different, real, and messages or things that I need at that particular time.

Within this last week I have had two of those dreams.Salt Lake City hosted the Golden Gloves National tournament last week, May 15-21, and it was a very busy and fun week.  We had memorial display booth of the three Fullmer brothers.  It was such a cool thing to see all of their robes, shoes, shorts, pictures, video etc of them.  It was also hard.  I was so emotional that week, just missing dad so much.  There were lots of tears. Thursday I stayed up at the hotel with Chet.  That night I had a really cool dream of dad.  We were at the Nationals, which was being held outdoors for some reason, and I was reading him articles out of the newspaper about the fights because he couldn't touch them.  I couldn't touch him, either.  It was like I knew he was only there in spirit, but I could see him fully.  We began talking about Mom and everything going on with her.  He was aware of everything. He then told me, "I am very proud of Shareen.  I am so proud of all my kids and everything they are doing for Marilyn."  He then glanced at something behind me and said, "Hey, I can see myself!"  I turned around then, and there was a metal booth behind us, in which I could see our reflection of us standing next to each other on the side of the booth. Dad said, "It's so good to see us standing here together."  At that point I was crying and woke up crying.  I could not stop crying all morning. It was so real, and I felt so strongly that it wasn't just a silly dream, and that he wanted his kids to know how proud he was of them.  After a moment of laying there crying after I woke up,  I knelt down and said a prayer of gratitude for that experience. I also expressed how I have not had a dream of mom in such a long time and how much I missed her.

 I used to dream of my mom a lot...sometimes they were silly dreams, but I would take whatever I could get just to see her.  It's been a very long time since I've had a dream of her, like 2 years or more, and I have wondered if maybe I was doing something wrong. 

Early this morning I had a really incredible experience.  I had a dream that Chet and I and the family as well as others were in a large passenger van.  We pulled into a convenient store for gas and other things.  I stayed in the van with Hunter and the door next to me was left open. I then saw Chet's sisters, Shareen and Shellie come out of the store. Among them, was my mom.  She looked just as I remember her with feathered and curled hair.  I called out to her, "Mom! Mom!", she looked to me and said, "Kimmie!", which I love that she used the name that she called me by growing up.  She ran to me and just hugged me. We just hugged for such a long time and I was crying and crying.  I could feel her..I began to squeeze her arms and I could really feel her, her skin was so soft and I just thought, "I can feel her. She's really here."  I woke up after that, cheeks wet from crying.  It was such a simple dream, yet so powerful.

Now, here is the REALLY cool part!  I immediately called my big brother, Tracy, to tell him about it.  When I told him that I had a dream of her, he said, "Really? I did too!".  What???  He asked what my dream was, I told him it was simple and began to share it with him.  It turns out that his dream was very similar.  He was talking to her for a bit and then they just hugged.  He, too, woke up crying.  Tracy had not dreamed of her in well over a year, as well.  Again, I don't think this was just a silly dream, it was just so real and what I needed.  Not to mention that Tracy had one of her, too....

I just think, how cool it is that we both had very similar dreams of her at the same time?  It has been another experience that just strengthens my testimony about the power of prayer.  How much Heavenly Father is aware of us and really knows us and so does our family on the other side of the veil.  How His hand is in all things and we are given these tender mercies.  My heart is so full.  I am so grateful for these experiences, and so thankful for a Heavenly Father who loves me!

Til We Meet Again...

I cannot even begin to describe the emotions of this past year.  The roller coaster ride our family has been on, the heartache, the love, the sleepless nights, the sadness, the memories, the bond, ...we have shared it all.  It has taken a year to write this post.  I began it a few months ago, but it was just too hard. So, I stopped and let a lot of time go by. Now, a year later, as April 22nd has come and gone, I think it's about time I finish this post.

During the month of April 2015, we started out by having a nice Easter.  My kids got a bunny that we named, Rocky.  The Easter Bunny came and we enjoyed a nice Easter dinner with the Fullmer family.  We took our traditional pictures with mom and dad, the kids, grandkids and greatgrandkids.

For the last couple of years, beginning in 2014, I have felt an unexplainable urgency to take as many pictures of our family gatherings, of my kids with their grandparents, as possible.  I knew the time would come when we would no longer have Mom and Dad here, but I honestly didn't think it would be so soon.  Early in September 2014, dad was not feeling well and came down with terrible pneumonia, which he eventually had to be hospitalized for.  It really took a toll on him and from then on, it was just one thing after another, after another.  The poor guy just couldn't catch a break.  His Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL) didn't help, weakening his immune system.

Dad's hips began to hurt to the point he couldn't walk. His left arm, hand and both feet/ankles began to swell. He soon began to see spots in his eyes and didn't want to eat or move around.  The kids began to spend a lot of time over at the house helping as much as possible where we could. Dad just got worse and worse.  He was in the hospital more than he was out of it.  After some time at Riverton Hospital, he was sent to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. While he was there, he had an episode and had to be intubated. Even then, through this difficult time, he never lost his sense of humor. Still making us laugh with his quick wit.

It was shortly after that, that the doctor wanted to speak with the family about his prognosis.  We were told that he had an infection in his blood, and they could continue to try and treat him, but the outcome would probably be the same, or we could just let him go without further treatment and they would make him as comfortable as possible.  With very heavy hearts and a lot of tears, we made the difficult decision to let him go.  The staff moved him into a family suite where we could be there with him until he passed.  Dad was coherent enough to talk to us, though his eyes remained closed most of the time. It was a little hard to understand him, but we understood him enough as he told us he loved us, how important family was and he specifically told me, "Let me tell you something.  Family is a blessing!"

So many family members, friends and boxers came in to see him and say goodbye. It was so hard but overwhelming to see how much this man was loved.  Late that night, the hospital began to give him the morphine and a drug so that he wouldn't feel like he was suffocating.  We all stayed with him throughout the night and day that would follow.  We talked about his funeral plans, we laughed, we cried, we formed a bond that I pray will last forever.  The following afternoon, Chet gave him a beautiful blessing, releasing him and letting him know that it was okay to go.  That we would be okay and mom would be okay.  The day went on and turned into night.  His breathing was ragged and began to slow and there were a few times we thought he had drawn his last breath, only to hear him take another after several long minutes. Just after 2:00 in the morning, we were all gathered around him.  Shareen was whispering in his ear talking to him for quite some time...or so it seemed...telling him how much we loved him and it was okay to go.

I never, ever thought I would ever pray for someone to pass on, but it was so hard to see him like that, and watch him struggling to breathe.  As I sat at his feet and bowed my head and just asked Heavenly Father, that if he was going to take him, to please not let him suffer any longer, To please let him go. I said, "amen" and kept my head bowed...and within seconds, I heard him take in a breath...pause... nothing.  I brought my head up and we all knew he was gone. At 2:35 am on April 22, 2015 our sweet Dad and husband passed away. The spirit and love in that room was SO strong. It turns out, that as I was praying for Heavenly Father to not let him suffer any longer, Shellie was also praying for the same thing, at the same time.  As difficult as it is to lose someone you love so much, that experience of them crossing through the veil is amazing, inexplicable, and very spiritual.  We said a family prayer at his bedside and went home after a while.

The next week was so hard as we made arrangements.  The outpouring of love and support was incredible.  As much as my heart hurt in losing someone I loved so much, just as I would love him as a dad if I had been born to him, it hurt my heart even worse seeing the heartbreak my sweet husband was going through.  It was so difficult.

Our amazing Stake President, Pres. Maxfield, came to the house and gave mom the most incredible, powerful blessing I have ever heard.  He COMMANDED that angels would bare her up on the left and on the right...and truly she has felt all of those angels.. The strength that she showed and still continues to show, amazes me.  There is power in the priesthood and in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I have witnessed this so many times in my life, and this is just another thing that strengthens my testimony of our Heavenly Father's love and plan for us.

The funeral was beautiful.  The turn out was amazing.  Chet and Cody gave wonderful talks...funny and sincere...Shareen and Shellie shared wonderful and fun memories. The grandkids and great grandkids sang "Armies of Heleman.". Now, every time I hear that song, the tears flow. At the graveside, Dad's boxers lined up in their "Fullmer Brothers Boxing" gear and got in their stance as they brought the casket to the plot. That was one of the most incredible things I have ever seen.  The entire day was such a beautiful tribute to dad.  Mom was and continues to be such a rock. She amazes me by her continued strength.  Later that evening we found out that Uncle Gene passed away.  His son, Delaun, told us that after they had told Uncle Gene, who was not very coherent, that Dad had passed away, he just declined rapidly.  It was as if he understood that his job as a big brother, watching over his siblings, was done.  Within the week, we had another funeral.

We lost Chet's cousin, Kade, just a few months before in January, and Chet's uncle on his mom's side in March.  Uncle Gene's death along with dad's, making it four funerals in four months.  The fifth funeral coming in December with Chet's brother's, (Shane) death on the 9th.

This picture pretty much speaks for itself.  Here is mom, sitting on her daughter's headstone, next to her son's casket on the left and visiting her husband's grave.  She has been through so much, yet her strength is beyond incredible.  She continues to amaze me daily.

It was a difficult year experiencing all of the "firsts" without dad.  He was inducted into the Golden Gloves Hall of Fame at the Nationals tournament in May.  Dad and Mom accepted the award in his behalf, and Chet gave a wonderful speech.  And then you have all of the Holidays. Christmas especially being the most difficult.  Shareen, Cody, Chet and I all gave the siblings and mom something that had to do with dad.  Shareen gave us a blanket with a collage of pictures of dad.  Cody gave us a shirt with Dad's boxing picture on it and I took some of Dad's old shirts and hankies and made pillows out of them.  Christmas Eve we had a different tradition this year.  We didn't want mom to have to stay alone in the house and wake up to nobody on Christmas morning, so she stayed the night with us.  It was so nice and fun to have her there and a memory our kids will have of her always.  She even got her own Christmas Eve pj's..

Below is a shadow box that I made for Chet.  Let me tell you how tough this was to put together...
 

Mom wanted the casket bearers to be her grandsons and the honorary casket bearers were other grandsons and nephews. 

Cash-isms

Our little Cashy...what a character!  He is continually saying the funniest things and for my memory's sake, I am going to jot them down here.

St. Patrick's Day is a fun holiday in our house, where we try to catch that dang leprechaun, we have corned beef and cabbage for dinner and find green toilet water and milk.  Cash and Hunter were intent on catching that little bugger this year and set up a trap.

 When the kids woke up the next morning, the trap was down, the money was gone and NO leprechaun, only a note laughing at the kids for failing to catch him, again! Cash was not very happy about it. He was looking forward to his wishes!

Later in the morning he made the comment: "I want to catch that Leprechaun! Hunter could wish for a limo and then we could be classy people!"

Apparently, we aren't very classy.

In school, Hunter had to come up with a Leprechaun limerick. This is his...

There is absolutely no question who his dad is!

Now, back to some of the things Cash comes up with.  About a month ago, I got a text from Chet who was downstairs, telling me that Cash was coming up with a question for me.

Cash: "Mom, how do babies get in mommies tummys? It's like they eat them! (precedes to make an action and noise of putting something in his mouth and eating it)  And how do the babies come out of mommies tummys?  Do they come out of the bum, and are they covered in stinky?"

Thanks Chet!

More Cash-isms:

From FB Post - "When your very mad 6 yr old tries to get back at you by opening every drawer and cupboard in the kitchen and scatters utensils all over the floor. Then, refuses to clean it up until he gets what he wants. I am scared for his teen years...if he survives that long!! Gah! ‪#‎hardheaded‬ ‪#‎wontnegotiate‬ ‪
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"Cash asked to leave his dinner to check and see what Hunter was doing. As I am in the middle of explaining to him, "No. You can't. You need to...."
He plants a huge kiss on my mouth mid-sentence.
Cash: "I did that because you were being annoying."

Apparently he doesn't like being told "no" and has figured out a good way to shut me up. If I keep getting a big kiss out of it, I might be telling him no more often"

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Cash: Guess who I am in love with?
Me: ME!!!
Cash: nope.
Me: what?! Who? Samantha?
Cash: Nope. Scarlett!
Me: What happened to Samantha?
Cash: She's just not cute anymore.

I totally just love that kid!  He makes me laugh and smile every day.  He is also doing so well in school.  We went to his Kindergarten PTC and he is such a bright boy.  He is reading at the end of 1st grade level.  I wish like crazy he wouldn't grow up so fast. 

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May 2016, 7 years old

Me: "Cash! Stop standing on my camera bag!  If you break something, you're going to be in really big trouble!!!"

Cash: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I forgot.  See this thing? (points to a plug outlet) I only have three of those in my brain and I have 3,000 things to plug in.  And that wasn't plugged in."

Goodbye Girl!

I never, EVER thought it would be so hard to say goodbye to a car. A CAR! That's right, a big scrap of metal on wheels.  

On March 13th, yes, that would be Friday the 13th, my daughter Kylee was driving home from work.  She had her phone in her lap, big no-no, she got a text and looked down at her phone to check it out. Even BIGGER NO-NO!!!

BAM!!!

She looked up, traffic had stopped and she hit the car in front of her, destroying the front end of my red, Ford Escort.  Now, this car was my baby.  She was my High School graduation present to myself and first "big girl" purchase. (Let me mention I also bought her on Friday the 13th).  I drove her off the lot with 3 miles on her. She has been in my life longer than my husband. There were so many memories in that car...she drove us away from the reception center on our wedding night, she brought our first baby home from the hospital.  She was always dependable and reliable and was such a great car for me and my family.

We were hoping that my brother in law could maybe save her for a few hundred dollars...but, not to be so.  Chet got the phone call a few days ago that we were in over what she was even worth. The tears came....and haven't stopped.

 

Kylee and I went to the body shop on Friday to get stuff out of the car and to say goodbye...well, I needed to say goodbye. I held it together until we got back into my van and then I had to have a moment and cried...cried hard, started to drive away, took one more look at my little red car and cried until I was almost home.  

I know, it's so silly to be so sad over a car.  I am the kind of girl that is very sentimental and in all honesty, for me, it was a very hard loss.  I loved that car, I had her for 22 years, and she was good to me...and my family. 

Goodbye little red.  You deserve a very special place in car heaven. :(

Cash is 6!

I just have to give you a rundown on where it all began with Cash.  Just so you can get a sense of how much I love this little boy, and how sad I am that he is growing up!

7 years ago, we had 2 girls and 2 little boys, ranging in age from 12-4 yrs old. We were happy and very comfortable and content with our four littles.  I began receiving this nagging feeling that we weren't done, and with Hunter being four years old, I knew that the space gap was only going to grow bigger and if we were going to have another, then now was the time to start.  For a while before I started really feeling this way, I had prayed about whether we should have another...for about a year...I did this.  I really didn't get a huge "WOW - BAM" answer, but I just felt that something was incomplete.

Chet felt the same way, we knew we should have another and so we tried.  Like my other kids, we were pretty lucky to have positive results on that first month of trying.  The stick was pink, and so it began.  We weren't exactly excited about it, like we were with the others...we just began to prepare.  The sickness came and I began to start looking at buying baby items. (I had gotten rid of a lot!) I had the strongest feeling we were having a girl and I was due in October...the same time of year the rest of us girls were born AND besides, the pencil said my last would be a girl and that magic pencil has NEVER been wrong!

When I was close to 12 weeks along, we had my first Dr visit.  I had the exam, and as he listened for the heartbeat, it wasn't heard.  No biggie, it wasn't the first time we weren't able to hear a heartbeat at the first visit.  My cycle is never regular, so I always have an ultra sound to figure my due date.  We went in to the room and as the Dr began the ultrasound and I saw the image on the screen, my heart sank.  This was my fifth child and I knew what I should be seeing at this point... and I wasn't. There was no heartbeat.  There was a sack and some sort of mass...but no heart beat.  My Dr. said that it could be that I was a lot earlier than I was, and things could change in a week and to make another appt then.  Although, he only gave me a 50% chance that this pregnancy would stay.  I knew he was trying to give me some hope that I was just earlier than expected, but I knew that wasn't really the case.  As we were leaving, Chet hugged me in the elevator and I began to cry.  We told our family and they held a fast for me, that all would work out the way it was supposed to. The day after the fast, I began to bleed and within a couple of days, I lost the baby. I realized then how badly I really did want another baby, and after 2 months of healing and waiting, we were able to try again with success.

Being my last baby, and the tie breaker, we decided not to find out.  With this pregnancy, I really had no feelings on what the gender was going to be. It was just a waiting game, but we all were hoping for a girl. I also wanted a good natured baby, that was easy and slept good, had lots of thick hair and dimples! I even prayed for these things, hoping Heavenly Father would grant me everything I wanted b/c I was such a good and faithful daughter. I was given the due date of February 25th...and with my history, I was afraid it would come on my anniversary, the 19th.  I did NOT want an anniversary baby.  On Feb 18th at approx 11:30pm, Chet and I were laying in bed when I felt quite a bit of fluid leak. I jumped out of bed knowing it could only be one thing. I said to Chet, "I think we're having an anniversary baby. My water just broke!"  So, off to IMC Hospital we went and at 5:00am, on Feb 19th, the morning of our 15th wedding anniversary, we had a healthy and beautiful baby boy...with no hair, no dimples, and later, I would find out that he wasn't the best sleeper and not so easy natured.

Immediately, I felt the doors of heaven close, and I knew that our family was complete. , I felt in some small way, bad, that I didn't give Chet the baby girl he hoped for. It was almost immediate that I was in a "funk"...so many emotions with with being the last baby, last labor, last everything and that I would never experience this again in my life. After leaving the hospital, I was hit with the baby blues. With my other babies, I always had the baby blues which typically lasted about 2 weeks and then I was great.  This time, magnified by my "funk" and possibly age and even more changing hormones, the baby blues turned into postpartum depression.  For FOUR months! Four LONG, hard months I cried. I wondered what I had done. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I couldn't bond with my baby.  I didn't feel that starry eyed, in love, infatuation with this beautiful, perfect little baby boy.  I tried, I got shots, but it was really one of the worst things I experienced and I never want to feel that way again. Cash wasn't even really a horrible baby either, he wasn't the easiest I had, and I blame Hunter for spoiling me, but he was certainly not horrible,  or colicky baby...he was a normal, average baby, who didn't sleep as long as I would've preferred...and who didn't have the super easy temperament that I had hoped for. Finally, the darkness lifted, and even though he was still not the best sleeper, or the easiest baby...it happened.  I fell in love.  But, I was angry! Angry that four months of my last baby's life, four months of those first newborn moments that I should have been relishing and savoring, were taken from me.

Although, I had prayed for all of these things I had wanted in my last baby, and even though I got the opposite of everything I had prayed for, I am so grateful that Heavenly Father saw fit to answer my prayers differently.  He knew that I needed my little boy and I am so, SO happy now that I do NOT have a little girl...(Gah, no more teen girls, please!)...  My little Cashy is so funny, cute, cuddly, crazy and stubborn, but he is mine...and I am SO grateful for him. I know that then, I didn't want an anniversary baby, but it didn't take me long to realize that I could not think of a better way to celebrate 15 years of love and marriage, than bringing our last baby, something we created with that love, into the world.

My baby is 6.  It's not the easiest thing for me, and it makes me terribly sad everyday.  I want to share my post on facebook:

"A while ago I read an article about "last times" with your kids. Last time you give them a bottle, last time you spoon feed them, last time you read them a bedtime story, last time you pick them up and carry them on your hip etc.! Many of those times we don't even realize it is, indeed, the last time. I have thought about this a lot and as time keeps sneaking away from me faster and faster, and as I watch my children get older and older, I have been relishing "every time" with my little kids. Today is the last time I will have a 5 year old. EVER. My heart is so sad that time is stealing my kids away from me, and there's not a dang thing I can do to stop it. But today, I am going to enjoy and savor this time with him, because tomorrow he will be another year older and on his way to turning into a big boy."

I absolutely cannot be excited for this little guy's birthday.  Time is just going by way too fast! Cashy had a wonderful birthday from his side, though.  He had his first birthday party with friends, that I am so happy is over with, we went to Build A Bear after and got a TMNT, that he named, Jacky.  He got Lego Batman 3, clothes, toys, and his Iron Man cake! We went to Culver's for his birthday lunch, and he had such a fun day.  I'm happy for him...but sad to see him grow up.  It makes me realize how many "last times" are coming up for me, and I hate it.  It depresses me. Especially, when I think of how old my older kids are.  I love you Cashy Poo and I hope you know how grateful I am to have you as part of our family, through all the rough times I went through, I cannot imagine what life would be life without you!

Happy 6th Birthday little man!

Talon is 14!

How in the world did that happen??? My oldest boy is growing like a weed...tall and skinny, but growing.  His voice is dropping and I can see the evidence of a man, brewing underneath.  My Talon, my first baby boy, is 14!

He has brought us so much joy in life, is such a good kid and getting good grades.  He still loves playing guitar and is getting so good.  Talon loves hanging out with his dad and they share so many of the same interests.  I hope he will always be close to him and choose to have good friends and make good  choices.  It is my fear that middle school, High School and hormones will change him.  I can only pray that they won't!

Tal celebrated his birthday with lunch at 5 guys...great choice... we had family and friends over later that night and had the usual cake and ice cream.  He got a new foot peddle for his guitar, some clothes and games.  Such a great kid... time stop already!

Rough Start

As we enter a new year, as I somewhat suspected, 2015 has gotten off to a rough start.  Later in January, Chet's young cousin, Kade, died of a heroin overdose.  Even though we have known of his addiction for years, and can pretty much predict where that road leads, it has still been so very hard on all of us.  The funeral was beautiful and we can only hope and pray that there can be some good to come of this.  That others who are struggling will learn from Kade's death and seek the help they need.  It was a beautiful funeral, filled to the very back with standing room only.  His brothers were very open about his addiction and how he died...again, hoping that some good can come from this and other lives can be saved.

We are also struggling with similar issues with my husband's brother.  He is over 53 years old, single, living with his elderly parents, and struggles to stay sober. His addictions are alcohol, pills and even harder drugs such as meth.  It has been so hard on all of us to see what he is not only doing to himself, but what he is doing to his parents, without any care in the world and no desire to change.  He lies continually, steals, has no desire to work and has drained them emotionally, physically and financially.  We have tried to step in and help, but when they refuse to kick him out and continue to enable him, it makes it very difficult to solve the problem.  Addiction is such a hard and terrible thing for everyone involved.  It not only affects the addict, but everyone else around them.  It ruins relationships and tears apart families. It is brutal, and so hard to watch.

I am so sad for the loss of Kade.  He was a wonderful person who battled a terrible demon.  At least, he is now at peace and whole again, and that brings comfort.

We love you Kade Tuff Fullmer.  Give your dad a great big hug and kiss from us!!!