catch my fall....

i really want to write an entry about how one should never make a person fall in love, when they can't catch that person's fall. all of them left me, you know. all of them. they left me for other girls, god knows who, and they left me because i was suddenly not "the one". when all along, they were making me fall for them. they promised me so many things that only stupid people like me would believe. they made it look like they loved me, when in truth, they didn't. and i see these things donkey years after they have left. why is it that i'm such a psychopath; until i can't see things as they are? why can't i sense that things are wrong when they just are? why is it that i refuse to see things in a bad light when it's so obvious that they're bad. why? because i always believe that they are way too nice to not catch my fall. that's why. they all leave and later come back, regretting, but what difference does it make, when they blow their second chance? all they do is let me fall, when they can't be there to catch me.

merry christmas!, wo yao present pls?

Today I was in some kind of excruciating pain during the earlier part of the day. If you’re not a girl, and reading this, don’t wish you were a girl. You don’t want to be one, trust me. My mom had been planning to have a bunch of her friends over for some makan-makan, so for the most part of the morning, I was in the kitchen helping her prepare. Then, Nadd called me later on, and told me she wanted to meet up, yippee! What a relief! The prospect of being in a houseful of “older collegians” as I name them wasn’t my idea of having a nice weekend. So I went to OU today and watched Ocean 12 with Nadd. Hehe, that story is good, so you better go watch it! All in all, I really had a nice day today. It’s been some time since I last saw Nadd, and it was great to be catching up on each other’s lives. I saw cute tees at FOS but I told my itchy hands I don’t have enough, so I didn’t buy anything besides my food and ticket just now. I want a Christmas present! Yes, I know I don’t celebrate it, but so what? Malaysians celebrate everything, right?

me and nadd


And oh, yes, I came across this line in Ummie’s blog, and thought I wanted to respond to it.

"To be without dreams, is to be without hope; to be without hope, is to be without purpose".

Well, I think it basically means in life we should dream big, about the thousand things, even millions of things we would like to have and do, because when we don’t dream, we have nothing to look forward to. And when we wake up every morning not looking forward to anything at all, not knowing the reason for living, we would end up as a hopeless person; no dreams, nothing to look forward to, and therefore, we’d hardly have a life. And therefore, our life would be without any purpose whatsoever. We live by the day, because we hardly look forward to anything. We don’t have dreams, so we don’t work to achieve, and the list goes on.
Dream on, but never let the dreams control us. Let us control them. It’s no use having dreams when we can’t walk the talk right? Let this life be purposeful. Know what you want out of it. After all, we only have once to live. Let’s not make too many mistakes, because in the end, there’ll be too many regrets instead of success. Well whatever it is, nitey, nite ppl!

bEttEr oFF ALONE

At a point of time last week, I was thinking really hard about why it’s so difficult to live with me. I asked various people of what they thought and they told me that it all depends on the person who is to live with me. If they can stand me, then, I won’t be difficult to live with. So that definitely means I’m tough right? Is it really that way? Am I so hard to please? Do I demand so many things that people can’t stand me?

Then, after giving it some thought, I saw it the answer. The reason why people never stay with me, and why my boyfriends leave me half way down the road; is not because I’m difficult to live with, it’s just because I’m a lot better off alone. Not literally alone, but as in not in a relationship. What I feel right now is what I felt years ago when I was still in school. Back then, I was part of a group we called the SUG’s (Single Until Graduation). Back then, though there were times when life was miserable, I felt wonderful because I didn’t have to worry about boys, or relationships, or anniversaries and things like that. And though at times I did think that something was wrong with me, since nobody liked me enough to make me their girlfriend, it worked perfectly well for me. All my life I’ve gone to all-girls schools, so I don’t really feel the difference of having or not a boy around me in my life.

And right now, with a bundle of responsibilities on my back, and stacks of cases to read, plus bunches of friends to meet up with every now and then, I think I finally found the me I really wanted to be all this while. The person who is able to take work seriously without being serious outside of it, and the person who can laugh at her mistakes and cry when she is sad, and most importantly, I am now the person who is able to forgive and let live. This accomplishment is something that I will always and continuously thank God for. I seriously should not ask for more.

green, green grass on my side

all the 5 things!

1.FIVE NAMES YOU GO BY:
- neesa
- kakak
- si bantut
- honeystar
- fei mao

2. FIVE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT URSELF:
- absent minded
- fluctuating mood swings
- I’m a crybaby
- accident-prone
- insomniac at times

3. FIVE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
- why boys take so long to grow
- why encik yunus expects us to not read cases from case digests
- why I’m easily excited
- why I had to wear braces
- why I don’t have enough money for everything

4. FIVE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
- Allah
- death
- sometimes mama
- sometimes babah
- getting involved in relationships

5. FIVE THINGS U NEED EVERYDAY:
- plain water
- clothes to wear
- money
- nips
-sleep

6.FIVE OF YOUR FAVORITE BRANDS:
- esprit
- elle
- clinique
- FOS
- nokia

7. FIVE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS @ THE MOMENT:
- my boo- usher and keys
- always something- switchfoot
- chemistry between us- butterfingers
- dare you to move- switchfoot
- true- ryan cabrera

8. FIVE PERSONS YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH :
- nadea
- the fei maos
- my bro
- my mom
- is a computer a person?

9. FIVE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
- buy discman
- live in england
- eat suka hati without growing fat
- understand ministerial responsibility in consti.
- control my mood

10. FIVE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
- listen to music
- blog
- eat nips
- Photostat, yeah right!
- shop

11. FIVE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
- a creative zen mp3 player
- some lunch
- a car of my own
- a new laptop
-a new pair of jeans

. FIVE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
- lawyer, maybe? - I’m not considering practicing
- lecturer perhaps?- a loving and responsible daughter- full time
-somebody big in this world
- somewhere in life, I’m sure I’d love to be a mom
- unless I’m planning to adopt, I’m sure I’ll have to learn to be a good wife

PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
- London
- London
- London
- Scotland
- London - again

14. FIVE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE?
- babah
- mama
- the fei maos
- nadea
- pear

15. FIVE MEMORABLE MEMORIES THAT YOU CAN'T FORGET:
- 16th august 2004
- 12th February, every year!
- 18th January 2004
- the day I fell off a chair in front of the whole class, argh, kikikiki
- got loads more, but won’t be disclosed la okay? haha

heheh, i got this from ieja. tgh sangat busan. thinking about what to wear in social etiq. class. very hungry, hungry, hungry. waiting for abang mcD to deliver my burger.

the weekly entry

I’m doing a lot of things at the moment. Thinking of how to conclude my assignment, while listening to Switchfoot, composing a testimonial in my head, and typing this at the same time. Multi-tasking, yea!

I haven’t done blogging for a week now, and I kind of miss it, really. But I don’t have much of a choice but to do it on weekends, since most of my time is spent in Shah Alam. My weekend can be described as the best quality time, ever! Nothing beats the love you get from your family members, because you know that however old you get, you’ll always have them watching your back. I love my parents and siblings and there is nothing in this world that I would trade them with. On Saturday I went to OU with my brother. I know he would hate me saying this, especially right here, but he is the bestest bro. Someone you can call a best friend.

If I told you I can fit into a t-shirt of an 8 year old, would you believe me? Haha. I bought a t-shirt meant for an 8-year old in OU on Saturday. It’s really cute and it was cheap too, hehe. I’m becoming a shopaholic, gosh. But since I bought the digi-cam, I’ve become more cautious about my spending, just in case I don’t have enough to eat, =D. Today I went into KL with my whole family. I was supposed to do my assignment then, but I wasn’t about to be left out of the family excursion, so I followed, and lucky me I did, because it was great! Sometimes we find things which are really nice at places we least expect to find them, and I did find nice things just now. If it were not for my tight budget right now, I would have bought loads of nice things just now.

And now, here I am, writing a blog, not knowing what else to put in. many things have happened lately, but I’m not sure if I really want to share it. Maybe not now, or maybe never. But never mind. Most of the things on my mind are in this entry already. All in all, I had a wonderful time at home this weekend, despite having to “write” a case which is kind of driving me nuts, and besides the fact that I didn’t get to go to pasar malam today.. allaaa… missed my most favourite Sunday activity. Never mind, next week, next week, yea!

Well, to all the people out there who constantly put a smile on my face, and make me laugh till I lose myself, I thank you all. I couldn’t have made it through the ups and downs of my life alone, and without wonderful people like you guys. I love you all, you know who you are!

tiring but fun weekend

I had a tiring, exhausting, but fulfilling and happy weekend. My entire weekend, I can definitely say, was mostly spent traveling on the road and moving from one place to another. But all in good fun, fun, fun!

I finally got my own digi-cam at the PC fair last Saturday, though it isn’t exactly the one I wanted. It was too good a bargain to pass, so I bought it, yeay! I had 2 open houses on Saturday, one at Bee’s another one at K.Za’s. So, you can imagine the amount of food I consumed! At least 2 rounds at each house.. No wonder mama says I’m a fat piggy.

Saturday- PC fair, and 2 open houses, Sunday, now what did I do on Sunday? Owh, yes, how could I even forget? The unforgettable BTN seminar in Shah Alam. Wanna know why it was unforgettable? Simply because we were stuck in a centrally air-conditioned room, for some hours listening to the talks, and snapping pictures at the same time. Haha, well, truth is, it wasn’t that bad really. It was just time-consuming, and sadly, it consumed the whole of my Sunday. But since K.Maya is back now, it’s less stressful.

Well, got to get running. I’m going back to Shah Alam in a matter of minutes. Wanna go get a light breakfast, and read some cases, and then I’ll be off! I’ve finally learnt a bit how to use ADOBE, thanx to bro. but more to do, more to learn. Have a nice week okay, everybody!

pictures everlove!

ngantuk, nak gi BTN

me, bats and mummy in the car after lunch 

ja, me and nad 

hehe 

the grass is green on my side..

ADOBE Pagemaker 7.0 is drving me nuts, because I’m not really sure how it operates or how it’s supposed to help me.

I had quite a day today. I went out to KL to get some books, and ended up shopping as well. I’ve become spendthrift these past few weeks, but I guess it really does help to make me feel happier. Some of the things in my wish list have been bought, but I haven’t had the time to cancel them. But never mind, I’ve loads more things to think about right now, like this work I’m entrusted with. I’m really not sure how this ADOBE thingy is supposed to work. Argh. And guess what? I just found out this evening that all the Part 2 students of my Faculty are to attend this Seminar Bina Negara thing this Sunday. Pity Dean, all plans of open house gone with the wind. That’s the thing with this Uni. They like to inform us things last minute, and expect us to make ourselves available all the time. But never mind, never mind. What to do? Whining won’t help, that much I know.

ARGH. I can’t stop sneezing. Now what did I eat to trigger my second-hand nose to start sneezing so badly .. AGAIN? And to make matters worse, I’m, in love with a piglet. Okay.. it’s disgusting to be in love with a piglet, but can I really help it?

Whatever it is, be it I’m in love with a piglet, or that I have a second-hand nose, or that I’m tech-blind, because I can’t seem to grasp the idea of this ADOBE, the grass is green on my side. Believe me; you have no idea how green it is! Good night to those who are crazy enough to drop by this page and read my mindless entries. I really appreciate it, hehe.

hmm?

I’m going back to Shah Alam at around 12.00 but I haven’t even bathed yet. Truth is, (as disgusting as this will sound), I haven’t bathed for the past 24 hours. Okay, okay, I know, it’s disgusting, but I was too tired last night after coming back from Kajang, and Midval. And besides, I’ve come to hate the water more and more now. It’s too cold for my liking.

I really don’t know what to write, but I feel like it. I’m going to miss blogging because I’ll hardly have time for it in Shah Alam. After talking to my dad that Saturday, I’ve been doing lot of thinking, about a lot of things. Maybe there’s more to all this than I will ever know. I hate the thought that I might never know what it is, but I hope it will be good. This is one of those mornings when I wake up not knowing what I’m looking forward to, not knowing why I’m alive, and what I want to do with my life. There’s so much more to venture, and I’m scared I wouldn’t have the time.

Last night I went on a sudden tantrum, so to the person, the only one person affected, I’m sorry. That person may never come across this page, but, I want to say sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up the phone, I’m sorry I didn’t call back. I wanted to be alone for a while. I know I may have acted in a way I shouldn’t have, but I hope you understand. There are times when you just want to stay in solitude. And last night, I needed it. Thanks if you understand. If you don’t, it’s alright.

I guess I better get going now. I need to finish my packing. And I need a long bath. Cheers to all, have a great week.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness it right where you fell. Forgiveness is not a word in my dictionary. I shall never forgive. It was not right of you to hurt me, so you will never be forgiven.

hidden wisdom

I am listening to Only Hope by Switchfoot at the moment. Vengeance can kill; believe me, I’m feeling it. I have a feeling that right now, revenge is being taken on me. Oh, boy, how sweet. Now I know why people say revenge is sweet. But hell, never mind, I really don’t care what these people think about me. I’ve got enough people to make me see the wonderful person I could really be. So if you think you can’t make me happy, please don’t come near me.

There are times when fathers come up with surprises that make us want to cry; just like my dad did yesterday. Fathers know, they feel and they have more knowledge about things that we think they are insensitive about. They may not show as much emotions as our moms do but give them a little bit of time, and space, and thought, and you’ll find out that they actually give the best advice. The kind that makes you want to cry, but the kind that opens your eyes to things you’ve been blind to.

counter-stress

I am tired. I am extremely tired of it all. I am tired of smiling. I am tired of laughing. I am tired of being happy. I am tired of being cheerful and nice. I am tired of it all. I am tired of talking. I am tired of giving advice. I am tired of everything. I am sick of being tired. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of smiling. I am tired of trying. I am tired of playing games. I am tired of me. I am tired of people. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being confused. I am tired of suppression. I am tired of blindness. I am tired of stupidity. I am tired, I just am. I am so tired of being myself.

So people, can I cry tonight because I’m tired of being so happy? Does it make sense to you that I would like to be sad tonight just because I am so tired of being cheerful? I hope it does make sense, because I don’t want to be a freak. I’m just freaking tired, but I sure am not a freak.. or at least I hope so.

Take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway.. flyaway, breakaway..
I want to breakaway..

oh hectic day

Today has been a hectic day, from daylight to moonlight. I slept at 2.30 this morning, because I couldn’t sleep, and woke up at 6.30, feeling so damn drowsy. Argh, registration day. I’ve been through it a few times to know that it would turn out to be a crazy merry-go round, and it was crazily stupid, with all the different ideologies, and the stupid stairs in Uni. There are so many steps! *kalah Batu Caves*, seriously! Well, anyhow, it was great to see my mummy Faizah again, and Ady, and Nadea, even. It’s been quite some time since I last saw her. It was great to see everybody after about a month of holidays.

I registered into a new college, which Nadea hates me for, haha. And for the first time in the entire 2 years of registering in colleges, this time, I must say is the best and this is no joke at all. At first, I thought of registering in Mawar but I went to check Delima out first, since that was what Farid applied for me. For the whole of last semester, it had gone through a series of transformations, and now the toilets and rooms are better. The only problem is that the toilets don’t have mirrors, and the fact that I’m so vain makes this a big problem for me. But well, about the best college registration, ever. The principal of the college is so friendly, she was talking to me as if she were my mom. Even the ‘makcik kunci’ is nice. I think I’m going to like this new place, but I just hope that my roommate is as nice as she looks, because sometimes, looks can really be deceiving.

I hate it when I have to choose between 2 things; something I would really like to do, and something that I would do only to not hurt feelings of another. There will be 2 open houses tomorrow; Aji’s and Timmc’s, which I would love to go to. Unfortunate for me, I would just have to miss both of them since I have to help my auntie out with some book she’s publishing. Well, okay, she’s paying me for the work I’ll be doing, but still?! I really want to meet my friends. It’s been a really, really long time since I last saw them.. well at least most of them. Perhaps I’ll just go to Pear’s place. perhaps I’ll meet most of them there.

Cinta sejati by elemen is on air right now. This song holds the dearest memories I could ever possibly have, haha, and I love this song. Hey, I’m supposed to be packing my stuff right now, coz I’m going to Shah Alam again tomorrow, but I am so pemalas, I don’t even want to look at my bag. But I really must get going, I’m sleepy.. for once, I really am! Good nite world!

passing thoughts

me thinking..


"If your heart and mine cannot collaborate, and we do not speak the same language and utter the same words, we may not be compatible.
But if not many words are said, and very little is spoken of, but despite it all, we still comprehend, eternity is waiting for us as we speak.
It takes very exceptional people to understand, but these exceptional people are those who are truly special.
It may take a lifetime to find these special people, but patience has its rewards.
It works both ways, both for me and you.
We are all still searching, and this searching may stop or may never end.
But when we finally find the one to fill our hearts and souls, I am sure it will be grand.
It may take time, and it may take its toll, but it is worth it.
I know, and you know, but we both know that it is difficult.
We both hope that someday we will see that ray of hope we had been waiting for, but when it somehow does not show, then we will know.
We were both meant for each other, and we are the rays of light for each other, we are the souls we had been waiting for.
And we were both there all along."

i guess i'm just feeling all this at this moment. i feel so, so.. well, i don't really know.. today, i kept thinking of how sometimes people keep on talking about the "right one", and the "one".. so i'm wondering now.. does such a person really exist, and how much time do people take to find out who that person is.. is it really worth it, and i guess it just is..

but then again, how many times have i thought that that person is the one, when in the end they become an " i thought he was".. how many times, i really don't know.. perhaps i really shouldn't count..

despite feeling this, i had a really nice day, truth to be told.. i learnt today that patience really does pay off.. i've been eyeing on a pink bag in MoMoe, but i'm saving to buy a good discman, and so i pushed the thought of that lovely bag aside.. but this evening, when i was out to buy something at the shops, i came across this nice bag, which happened to be half the price of the bag i had been eyeing on.. so, i just bought it, haha..

besides, my mom just came back from Korea, and i miss her so very, very much.. it's so much fun to have my bestest buddy back home.. i love you mama! - i know she won't be able to read this, but who cares.. i love my mama

*specials on the blind*

If there was one thing in life that I hated a lot, it would be blind people, who are not visibly impaired. Funny isn’t it, how one is not impaired, but can be blind at the same time? it’s funny alright, but there are so many people who are blind that it’s driving me nuts. Perhaps it’s really none of my business if they are blind, but then again, if their blindness have some kind of impact on me, I think I should be concerned.

I am truly and deeply saddened by this blindness. To me, these blind people are those who are simply ungrateful for what they have in life. I am not saying that we should not dream for more in life, and that we should not want more out of this life, but then, when dreams are the only things in our minds, our eyes are clouded and so are our brains, and so we become blind.

It is difficult to say all this. I am not sure whether I am angry, indifferent, sad, or anything for the matter. I am just so frustrated at the way these blind people think, and react. To me, blind people like these people are those who simply cannot take pressure in life. They are blind, and so they can’t even grasp the sweetness of life. They are bitter about practically everything in life, they are pessimistic. It’s horrible, really horrible. I pity them, but they are the only people who can change themselves.

Blind people do not know the difference between good and bad, and they tend to act on impulse. They refuse to admit wrong, and love to point fingers to everyone else but themselves. Blind people are so freaking self-centered, and not to mention vain. Blind people who think they are the center of the world, that every eye on this planet is watching them, when nobody really cares. And because they are blind, they are unable to see those who really care and those who really don’t. they listen to the wrong advises.

They are so blind that it makes me sick to the stomach. And oh, yes, some people are so blind that they are crazy. Blind people are unable to figure themselves out, unable to reason properly, unable to think. And as a result, they want to make everyone else insane like them. They want everyone to join their league, when they are actually those who are out of league. But since they are so blind, they can’t see that either. They’re just too blind to realize that there is a lot more to life than them. They think people around them are paying attention, but they forget that people eventually get tired. they are simply blind, and I don’t think I like them..

hope dangles on a string

I’m actually kind of sleepy at the moment. I had quite a long day, waking up, cleaning the house, Dean’s birthday lunch, and then, room cleaning, then, kitchen cleaning, because some stupid cat raided the bin, and all the yucky stuffs came out. Then, playing with the cute kids 2 doors away. Then went out to look for dinner, then “the talk” with my siblings, which turned out to be fun, actually. Then, a small trip down memory lane, then, a lil’ bit of blogging, and tv and now this.

*What a summary huh?*

actually, I’m writing this because I am sort of inspired by questions asked by Ummie, a new friend of mine, which she posted in her blog. Her questions were basically on the subject HOPE.. and it caught my eye instantly..

and the answer is.. yes, I do believe in hope, but only to an extent.. only to a save extent..

Hope keeps us all alive, keeps us going, gives us a reason to live, gives us something to look forward to. Yes, hope is a good thing for all of us, it gives us life. At the moment, the song I’ll stand by you is on hitz. It’s an old song, and to an extent, this song talks about hope too. The singer is giving hope to another person, telling that other person that she will be there beside him or her, wanting nobody to hurt that person. If this song was given to me, I would certainly hope that person who gave it to stick to his or her words. But only to a certain extent. In this life, everything must be done in moderation. Fantasies and dreams are things we simply can’t help having around. It spices up our lives, and again, gives us a reason to live.

I do believe in hope, I’m actually living on it. Without it, I would perhaps be nothing right now. But I have also learnt to not hope for too much. There is a thing we call expectation, and most of the time, this is what crumbles our world, because what we expect may not necessarily come true. I hate to hope while being cautious, truthfully. I hate to think about the negative side of life when I’m having a really good time. but I have learnt now that without being cautious, I would be just as crippled as if I had no hope in the first place.. Am I making any sense do you think?

It hurts to be a pessimist sometimes. It sucks to be thinking of the bad side of things, but well, what is life without the downs, right? If we don’t go through the bitter, how are we supposed to taste the sweet? Easier said than done of course, but very, very true.

Let hope lighten up your dark days, but just in case hope burns out, make sure you have a torchlight okay? =)

my wish list, which i will keep on updating til i get em =)

First on the list- Sony discman, jog-proof, I saw it in OU.
Secondly- Canon powershot, silver-green digital camera, I saw at Fotokem, also in OU.
Third on this list- a new notebook which wouldn’t hang all the time.. this is quite important
Fourth craving- Topshop cap I just laid eyes on this afternoon.. it was love at first sight, and I want very, very badly
Fifth wish- pink bag at MoMoe
Sixthly- brown top with pink flowers at WH.. I just hope it’s still there, though
Seventh on the list- black pants at the jeans shop in OU
Eighth- skirt with pink belt at Midvalley
Ninth thing- .. I can’t really think of anything yet..

But above all, I wish I had enough money to buy all these things.. it’s been such a long time since I lat spent money for myself, that now my hands are itching to buy all these lovely things I’ve been KIV- ing for months.. argh.. I wish I had all the money..

nemo, me and farah, my cousin

This Hari Raya

we're just this really happy bunch

This raya I realized that we are all actually very afraid of growing up. Undeniably, all of us can’t wait to grow up, but in the anticipation, we are all afraid of opening the window to growth, and to adulthood.

this is a picture with my grandma in Kedah. this is first day raya. Theme this year: bluish, greenish!

The best example I can probably come up with at this moment is Abang, my 23 year old cousin who is currently doing his masters, has a girlfriend, whom I think he is planning to marry. Eventhough he has all that, he seems to be oblivious to his so-called grown up stature, and his age. He seems to be acting like he was since, well since I knew him. He didn’t care that he was playing with bunga api like a 12 year-old kid, he didn’t care that he was making plans using mercun like he was still 15, he just didn’t care, and I actually understood. To him, mercun will always be mercun, no matter how old he is, but what has changed is what he has learnt throughout life, and all the experiences he had been through.
This raya has thought me something. I learnt that growing up involves confusion. At one point, we just can’t wait to spread our wings and get all the freedom we could possibly grasp, but at the same time, we are scared of leaving our nests. I just realized that I am not sure whether or not I am ready to grow up, to love and to live like my parents have. I realized that perhaps I have been taking life way too seriously, thinking too much about what might be, rather than what I have. I am learning to be a kid, and sadly, I am only starting to learn right now. I am not sure in what way my childhood was deprived, but I somehow think I’ve grown before I should have. See, I am confused. At this age, I am not sure what kind of behaviour I am supposed to conform to. I am not sure how I’m supposed to act, and what I’m supposed to think about. I am not very sure what is expected out of me, but perhaps, I am thinking too much about what other people expect.

the bunga api crew

This raya, I also learnt that it is not easy to forget, and Shahrenn taught me that. Even after all these years, and after we have and had boyfriends and girlfriends of our own, he is still unable to forget, at least not as well as I have been able to. Perhaps he was right when he once told me that I simply had no idea how much he loved me. Imagine, he didn’t get a girlfriend until he was sure that I was well taken care of, and that I was happy. Then, he moved on. But when we were a couple, we were still so very young and naïve and perhaps right now to be in love with your own cousin seems pretty weird. Back to what I was saying about how difficult it is to forget. The right song is on air right now; Burn by Usher. It is not easy to forget, enough is said.
So many lessons I have learnt out of this short and meaningful festival. Finally, I was able to feel, and to eat, especially, while putting on weight! Finally! And truthfully, right now, I’m pretty worried that I’m fat, hehe. Well, it was good to get away from the computer, the house phone, the car, astro. It was good to get away from all of that for the whole of this raya. It was good to shut down. This raya has been good to me. Perhaps I won’t tell much about what happened, but I had tons of fun, and that much I can tell. I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate raya, other than the way I did, surrounded by the people I love, and who love me back in return. It is good to not feel alone, and love is truly a gift no one can buy.
Anyone reading this might probably think I’m nuts, and that I have no focus since I’m jumping from one topic to another, but it’s difficult to concentrate when I’m happy beyond words.

"Love is a gift, time is treasure, youth is priceless, and wisdom does not come with age, it comes with experience and a lot of thought. Live to a hundred if you must, but never die without dignity, and never live with too much pride. Sometimes pride gets in the way of many good things that may happen to us."

my last entry probably.. before raya

I just got back from Rasta, we just had our buka there. I really don’t know what kind of “chi” my bro’s got, but it sure is good, since everyone is in such a good mood. Or perhaps it’s because hari raya is so near, that everyone is starting to get into the mood. This morning I went to OU with my sibs and it was fun, yup! I bought a ring and a pair of earrings. Last night, I was chatting with Emelda about shopping and how sometimes we are unable to resist the temptation of buying new stuff even if we don’t need them. Haha, we called it the “shopper pressure”. That’s how it was just now, I suppose.

Well, Rasta was fun too. It is sometimes funny how 2 very different people can work out so very, very well. My mom and dad are both 2 very different people, who happen to have 3 children and seem to be working things out pretty fine. We were called the “spoilt brats” just now, but we know babah was just joking. He called us that coz we hardly like housework, and as for me, I suck at cooking dishes. I have lots of time to learn right? It’s not that I’m gona get married tomorrow or even next month, haha.

Tomorrow I’m leaving for Kedah, for raya. And nobody’s gona be home, since my cousins will only be back on second or third raya. Aint that fun? Going back to an empty house, with no one except for nenek and perhaps one uncle. Oh, well, never mind. Worse comes to worse, I’ll ring Faizah up, or Adek up or even Nadd up and hang out with them. I just got my baju raya, and I’m shocked at the size I am now wearing. I thought the baju kurung was small, but apparently it fit just nice, and I look like a 12 year old, haha. But what am I complaining about, ya? It’s nice to be small.

Writing this now, I’m listening to Kabus Ribut, again! I’m addicted to this song. I was introduced to the butterfingers by a good friend, and when my computer crashed, I lost this song. Now I got it back from another friend. Talking about friends, haha, I’m actually thinking about one right now. I know this is madness, but I actually feel sorry for him. It sucks to be alone in a weird place with no family, and no one who really knows you, ya? And it’s even worse to be so far away from home during raya. I can’t help but feel sorry for him, but it’s not that I can do anything about it. I can only be sorry, I guess. Nadea doesn’t think I’m crazy for that, thank god, but I think I am crazy. If you think I’m crapping, it’s because I haven’t taken my bath yet, and I haven’t packed my bag yet, so I’m pretty distracted. I might write more, but I might not.

Selamat Hari Raya to all, and maaf zahir dan batin. May god bless you all always, and take care this raya. Enjoy yourselves, but be good too.

Selamat Hari Raya to all friends and family. may you have a wonderful raya ahead of you. eat alot, and just have fun, ya? 

this is one of the rare times that i can smile properly without showing my teeth off! and this is currently my fave!

this particular morning

I’m wide awake this morning. The morning of the festival of lights. Happy deepavali to the machas out there. I don’t know why I feel so good but I like it. I’m listening to I Miss You, Blink 182 at the moment. Without looking at the video clip, I think this song is cute. And I think Jack and Sally are cute too. I watched that story with yaya at ja’s house.

I like this part
“where are you?
And I’m so sorry,
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight,
I need somebody and always,
This sick, strange darkness,
Comes creeping out so haunting everytime,
And as I stared I counted,
Webs from all the spiders,
Catching things and eating their insides,
Like indecision to call you,
And here your voice of treason,
Would you come home and stop this pain tonight,
Stop this pain tonight.”

I don’t know why, but I don’t feel anything at the moment. All I know is I’m suffering insomnia, and that’s about the only thing that is wrong with me right now. Other than that, I’m basically heartless. And I think I like it like this.

Yesterday, the long-awaited results were announced through the net. Finally! I was actually shocked to see, well.. more like hear, since Dean was the one who checked mine, since my comp WAS busted, yes, WAS! My bro did his magic, and walla, the comp is back to normal. Well, back to the results, considering my state of mind during the exams, my results are beyond expectation. I had anticipated 3 failures, and I failed none, which is good. Now, I’m looking forward to the new semester, and I’m looking forward to meeting my friends again. When Nadea called me yesterday, I think she felt the same satisfaction I felt. It’s good to feel in control, and not so vulnerable. I guess it’s true people say that love makes us vulnerable. It’s truly undeniable.

So, I guess now, it’s better to stay either heartless, or try to hate. That way, it would hurt less. And right now, since I opted to stay heartless, it doesn’t feel like anything- practically numb, which is good. So I will stay like this, coz I like it!

it's been a long time since i last dropped a line.. but since my bro came back home already, the comp's fine, yea! i'm currently listening to Kabus Ribut, in the CD Ted gave me just now. aiyoo, don't know where my manners went to, i didn't say thanx? argh.. sorry Ted.. Today was fun. my house was suddenly alive when my bro came back. my sister actually wanted to follow us to the pasar ramadhan? which is soo very unlike her. i'm a little bit sick at the moment. suddenly came up with a flu and cough.. but getting better, using babah's "ketuk blakang" technique, which he has apparently been practising since we were really young. hehehe.. suddenly the house doesn't seem so serious anymore. last week i felt like running away from home, coz it was plain madness. with the problem with my parents and whatever crap. but it has all passed.

at the moment, i'm pretty tired of hearing ppl telling me that i have shrunken?
"kakak da shrink!"
and i'll go like
"ha??"
tamau la shrink, haiyoo. what am i supposed to do? i eat alot!! alot of fatty and sweet food pulak tuh! chocolates, coke, brownies , and biscuit raya. arghh, i dun like to look sick, but if i'm slimmer, i don't see why i shud complain ya? hahah.. okies. i wana sleep. i just miss blogging, and now i'm back, yeah!

the sunrise

For many, many days, I have slept late into the day, everyday missing the sunset. Today, however, even the temptation of my cozy bed was unable to lure me into going back to sleep. Today, I had been given the opportunity to look out of my window and view the sun brightening up everything that it touches. The sight is lovely, and breathtaking, and for all the days I had missed it, I feel a real loss, which brings me to think of how much we sometimes take things for granted, especially small things. Small things that add up and form a big chunk of whom we really are.

Looking at the beautiful sight I was given the chance to view, I realize that we sometimes don’t know what we really have, until and unless we see it, and until and unless we lose it. The more we get, the blinder we become, and the lesser we get the more we appreciate.

Right now, the sun is brightening up my spacious room, and I will not be blinded by it. But while it is still here, I will take it in as if this were my last day on earth, because what tomorrow brings is and will always be a mystery to me.

Just Thai!

I just got back from buka with Dean and Ja at OU. It was fun, haha. It’s been quite a while since I last laughed so much. Today has actually been a mixture of everything a person can feel. I woke up today at the normal time, just in time to watch the Korean drama “Lovers in Paris”. That story is so cute. It’s about two guys fighting over a cute, innocent girl. While watching that, I was chatting with Pear, being two horrible feminists, when my mom suddenly called. She wanted me to look for something, and told me to Photostat some documents. I found the documents she told me to look for, then I got back to the computer. It started to rain, so I thought I would wait for the rain to subside before I went out. I’m now officially scared of driving, and especially in the rain. Then, my mom called again, asking me whether or not I had done what she told me to. When I said no, she started to get really mad, and told me she would do it herself. Well, I quickly changed out of my nighty and put on a baggy tee and a pair of jeans.

I thought she just wanted me to photocopy all the documents, but apparently, she wanted me to follow to the Indonesian embassy. Argh. A little bit of warning would have done me good. So I told her that she should have told me before, which she also got mad with. Fine, at last, I just followed her, and we went to the Indonesian embassy via LRT. On the way, mama asked me why I wanted to change colleges, since I looked like I was pretty happy in the current one that I am staying in. So I told her that there are 2 types of people in life; the first type, whom we get fonder of the more we know them, and the second type, whom we come to hate more, the more we know them. And since I have come to learn how to hate a particular person more and more for the past one year, I have opted to out. I know it’s stupid, but I really can’t stand it. I’m not sure what it is, but let me tell you that the sight of that person is enough to spoil my day.

Well, anyway, mama has a way of reminding me how much I actually don’t like these “life-pokers”, backstabbers, two-faced pies, and I just couldn’t help but tell my mom everything that I thought my mom needed to know. Well end of story, I don’t like to talk about the people I hate, it makes me sick. Finally, we finished whatever business we had at the embassy and headed home. I confirmed the buka puasa for tonight and then, started to do some typing , then later, I bathed and got ready. I’m not sure what it is that was so indecent about what I was wearing, but my mom certainly did not like it, and so I changed. I obviously got all moody after that because I simply cannot understand what decent and indecent is for her anymore. It’s like everything I’m doing right now, she’s against it. Just because the other day I was involved in the accident, each and every scratch and flaw and crack is my fault. I really cannot take it anymore. Life in this house can really be a hellhole.

Well, I changed into something more “decent”, anyhow, and went downstairs for a quick buka, and went upstairs and waited for Ja to pick me up. I just couldn’t wait to get out of the house. Cooping myself up was making my brains dysfunctional, and I can’t really think straight anymore. I’m just going nuts, enough is said, I seriously need and I want a break, god help me. I was so relieved when Ja arrived, I wanted to escape. And we had a great buka. Went to Just Thai where the food was pretty fine. The finest out of all, I must say are the waiters. They are so super duper extra efficient. The moment you finish your meal, they’ll come and take your plate away. Poor Dean, he was actually still eating his chicken, but no! the waiter couldn’t wait, so he took Dean’s plate away, hahhaa. The thing is, I have a feeling that the waiters liked Dean, or at least, they were observing him, since everything that he touched, whether he ate or not would be taken away. Crazy waiters. I think I finished my drink long before Dean did, but they didn’t take my glass away. But the moment I put the glass in front of Dean, and the moment Dean finished pretending that he had finished my drink, a waiter took the glass away. What’s with Dean and the waiters in Just Thai? Hahah, what is to happen.

I have no idea how big my tummy actually is, but after eating the rice, I was still hungry. So time for ice cream! My favourite, as usual, chocolate lecka lecka, served in a cute cup with a lip. We looked at more stuff, laughed some more. I want that pink bag in Momoe, but it’s freaking 59 bucks, which is quite a lot. But I might just get it, coz when I like something, there’s no stopping me really.

Well, all I can say is that I need more days or nights out, because being cooped up in the house is driving me insane. The thing is, my days of freedom are nearly over. K.Maya’s going back to Indon, soon, and I’m left with everything in the house, including my spoilt brat sister, whom I have become more and more irritated with as days go by. I need a break, a long, long break, and if possible, a holiday away with my friends or even alone. I just want all this craziness to end, coz I’m really tired. But I had fun today. I need more people to make me laugh.

pieces of me

NUMBER OF...:
1: piercing: a pair on the ears
2: tattoos: none
3: height: a shorty 155 cm
4: shoe size: normally it's 6
5: hair color: dark brown
6: siblings: 3
FAVORITE...
1: food: chocolates, ice cream, cakes and cookies
2: thing(s) to do: writing, and listen to songs, and hanging out with my crazy frens
3: thing to talk about:all sorts of things
4: sports: F1 a sport or not?
5: drinks: vanilla coke, and milo
6: clothes: white tee and jeans
7: movies: monsters inc., mona lisa smile, you've got mail, serendipity
8: holiday: i like UK

HAVE YOU...
1: ever cried over a girl: yup
2: ever cried over a boy: yes
3: ever lied to someone: who has never lied? im not a saint!
4: ever been in a fist fight: think so
5: ever been arrested: nope

NUMBER...
1: of times I have been in love: twice i think
2: of times I have had my heart broken: why do u wana know? do they care anyway yah?
3: of hearts I have broken: perhaps one
4: of girls I have kissed: if mama is a girl, then.. she's in
5: of boys I have kissed: ermm.. one?
6: of girls I've slept with: the girls in college
7: of boys I've slept with: my bro?
8: of drugs taken illegally: dun take em
10: of people I consider my enemies: i dun consider ppl enemies, i just hate them
11: of times my picture has appear newspaper: once in 2000
12: of scars on my body: too much to mention
13: of things in my past that I regret: none

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...:
1: pretty? i'm just mediocre
2: funny? can be if i want to, and sometime, without knowing
3: hot? nah..
4: friendly? yup, im approachable
5: amusing? sometimes
6: ugly? no
7: caring? to ppl i care about, yes
8: sweet? i guess a lil
9: dorky? sometimes

DESCRIBE YOUR..
1: Wallet: black and white polka dots
2: Hairbrush: i got 3.. do i need to describe all?
3: Toothbrush: duno
4: Jewelry worn daily: bracelet
5: Pillow cover: blue and pink and white flowers
6: Blanket: baby blue
7: Sunglasses: light shade of brown
8: Underwear: dun think u'll ever know
9: CD in stereo right now: no song right now
10: Tattoos: none
11: Piercings: one on each ear
12: What you are wearing now: blue tee and jeans
13: In my mouth: braces
14: In my head: this thing
15: Wishing: something
16: After this: mandi
17: Person you wish you could see right now? hahaha
18: Is next to you right now? nothing
19: Your Mood? clueless
20: The last thing you ate? biscuit raya tadi pagi
21. Are deathly afraid of? Allah

DO YOU
1: like candles? yup, love em
2: like the taste of blood? yuck, m no dracula
3: believe in love? dunno
4: believe in soul mates? sort of i guess
5: believe in Heaven? i do
6: believe in God? i do

RANDOM QUESTIONS
1: What do you want done with your body when
you die? bury la, what else?
2: If you could have any animal for a pet, what
would it be? meow
3: What color are the walls in your room? yellow and cream
4: Can you eat with chopsticks? yup
5: What's your favorite coin? dun have
6: What are some of your favorite candies? lot 100 gummy
7: What's something that you wish people would understand? their hearts
8: What's something you wish you could understand better? yeah, alot
9: What is something that you really wish was still
around? yes

LAST THING/PERSON WHO....:
1: Slept in your bed? me and lippy
2: Saw you cry? my mirror
3: Made you cry? the same person always
4: Spent the night at your house? nadea and adek
5: You shared a drink with? no one, i dun share, hepatitis la
6: You went to the movies with? dean, nad and ja
7: You went to the mall with? nadea and adek

just me! hehe

**[spell your name back wards]
asinah, some ppl have actually called me by this name

**[the story behind your email address]
it’s just my name

**[where do you live?]
taman tun

DESCRIBE YOUR...

**[wallet]
It’s more of a purse, actually. Black and white polka dots, really cute, with a heart-shaped keychain.

**[shoes]
all kinds. a pair of sneakers, mostly sandals, and slippers

**[favourite shirt]
my white and pink t-shirt. Shirt? A peach coloured one, my mama gave me.

**[piercing]
one pair only on the ears..

**[hair]
not so long, about shoulder length, with a fringe..

**[makeup]
I don’t wear any most of the time. A lil bit of lip gloss and some compac powder maybe

**[something you're looking forward to in the
upcoming months]
most people might say that it’s raya, but I’m more looking forward to class.

**[something that you are deathly afraid of?]
death itself, and God

**[do you believe in love]
I’m not sure right now

**[do you believe in forgiveness]
yes.

**[where are 3 places you wouldn't mind
relocating to]
UK, UK and UK

**[favorite food?]
chocolates, chocolate chip biscuits, ice cream, vanilla coke, tom yam..

**[is there something you wish you could
understand better]
yes, parents, and the opposite sex

**[my father thinks i am]
a nearly 20 year old, who is stuck in a body of a 12 year old, who looks like my brother’s younger sister.

**[my mother thinks i am]
the love of a mother is simply unconditional. She obviously looks at me with the eyes of a biased mother, who loves her child very much

**[my siblings think i am]
a monster at times, but at other times, the person they turn to if they want anything my parents won’t buy them

**[best qualities]
I don’t take relationships gingerly. I hate to hurt people, I try to be a good friend, and as much possible, I restrain myself from talking about other people. And oh, yes, I smile a lot.

**[worst qualities]
I am a crybaby. I drive extremely badly, and my mood swings can be pretty bad sometimes, and, when I hate, I just do. There’s no turning back.

**[i get embarrassed when]
do I ever? When I do something embarrassing like falling off a chair in front of the whole class.

**[what makes me happy]
my friends, who make me laugh till my tummy aches

**[upsets me]
songs, and my mom being angry or disappointed at me

YES OR NO?

**[you like to cook ]
cook, perhaps not so. Bake, well, sort of I suppose

**[you have a secret you have not shared with
anyone]
yes, definitely

LaSt..
[song you listened to]
berhenti berharap- Sheila on 7

[person you've called]
faizah

[person that's called you]
K.chik

[person u sms]
K.chik

[TV show you've watched]
watching Ed now

[thing you were thinking about]
the tv

[u think about suicide]
I think.. 2 weeks ago

[others find you attractive]
perhaps

DO..

[you drink]
other than alcoholic, yes

[you like roller coasters]
now learning to like them

[you write in cursive or print]
both

[you carry a donor card]
nope

[you have a crush on somebody]
yes

[lied to someone]
who has never lied?

[ever been in a fist fight]
long time ago I guess

[ever been arrested]
nah..

WHAT..

[shampoo do you use]
johnson and Johnson;s baby shampoo

WHO..

[makes you laugh the most]
me?

[has a crush on you]
I have no idea

[last time you did something]
something like what?

[last time you were totally free]
Saturday, perhaps

[whats your favourite colours]
pink, light green, cream

[what are you planning to do tomorrow]
perhaps go out with some friends, then, pasar ramadhan, what else?

do not be afraid to leave the ground, but do not be afraid if you don't fly..

“It is better to stay on the ground than to fly up high, but if you’ve opted to fly, then you must be prepared to fall.”

This is a modified version of what I used to share with a good friend of mine. I used to tell her not be afraid of flying, because even if we fall, we know we would have learnt something from the experience. A few years have passed now, and I have been very brave, and I had flown to some heights which you cannot even imagine. Now as I sit writing this, I realize that my friend was not afraid to fly. She had just come to love the ground more than the sky, and the thought of leaving the comfort of the ground was not a thought she liked. When I think of it that way, I no longer think of not flying as fear of heights, or fear of falling, but simply contentment with whatever life has to offer on the solid ground, yes, the SOLID ground. Anything solid works well for me, so I think I too, will stay on the ground. Perhaps I too could learn to love the ground like I loved the sky.

My wonderful way of starting the month of November.

I woke up in the morning, with a phone call from my maid, telling me that my mom wanted me in the kitchen. Imagine that, having to call me to wake me up. Well, I do live pretty high up. I sleep at the attic with steep stairs, so nobody really wants to come up here. I felt horrible after that phone call. I didn’t like to do things when I didn’t want to. Well, normally, I don’t really mind, but when I really don’t want to, I get really mad. I took my time to go downstairs. I didn’t want to help out with the biscuit-making, I have no mood for any of this Raya thing. When I got downstairs, I kept a straight face, and didn’t talk to anybody, but as usual, the unconditional love of a mother can really thaw a frozen heart. Things eventually got better in the kitchen, and when I was tired, I took a break.

My sister came downstairs, along with her friend who slept over the previous night. They were talking about buying clothes for Raya. I don’t want new clothes for this Raya because I have some which I had only worn for like once in the entire year, so I will wear what I already have. My mom was trying to talk my sister into going to the mall with me, but she won again of course, making me look like the best monster in the entire world. She even got my mom to side her, which I think my mom later regretted, because she was super-duper extra nice to me later in the day. I stayed home when they went out to the mall. And later in the afternoon, my mom called asking me whether or not I wanted to join them at the mall. If I had to drive, I would rather just stay home. The traffic in the vicinity of One Utama on a public holiday is terrible, and I’d anything not to be part of that traffic. But since my dad wanted to send and pick me, I thought, “why not?” so I went.

Well, OU was fine, of course. Looked at some clothes, some other stuff, and then I showed my mom the perfume set I had been eyeing on for quite some time. She thought it was a good buy, so she volunteered to use her card, and I would later pay her in installments, which was fine with me. I also talked her into loaning me another RM 33 to buy John Grisham’s, The Last Juror. Later my dad picked us up and we went home.

A friend of mine had been trying desperately to sell some of her old books to me. And since I no longer read such books (they were Sabrina The Teenage Witch series!), I told her that I would inform her if I had any prospective buyers, which I later did not get any. But coincidentally, when she asked me this time round, my sister was around and I thought she might want to by the books. And she did agree to buy the books, so I became the intermediary. That evening, I told my friend that I was coming over to collect the books and told her to wait in front of the house. My intention was only to collect the book, pay her, and go to the Pasar Ramadhan, which I got to everyday.

When I reached her house, she told me that her mom invited me in. If it was any mother, I would be alright, because I never had a problem in meeting people’s parents before. But, since my friend’s brother is my ex-boyfriend, I had second thoughts about the whole idea. I didn’t know what to do, or how to react, because if I don’t go in, it would seem rude. After all, I didn’t hurt her son, so why should I be so scared of meeting her? Perhaps I was scared because I wasn’t so sure in what my ex would think if I met his mother after the break-up. I resisted, but they insisted, and after some long thought, I felt like the act was harmless. I went in, and had some small talk, talking about everything and nothing. At a point, I felt like maybe his mom didn’t know we broke up, but I think she knows. And after a while of chit-chatting, I left, and headed for the Pasar Ramadhan.

God is kind because it rained only when I was about to leave, after all my “shopping”. I went back home, and then, after a while realized that I had forgotten to go to the Pasaraya to get tea, and the dishwasher liquid. So, I went out again. It was raining pretty badly, but since I was already out, I guess I would just go on. The traffic in Taman Tun was horrible. I never went out to that particular side of Taman Tun at the time I did yesterday, so it was something new to me. Traffic in Taman Tun. To actually get a proper parking space would be a dream come true to anybody at that time, so I opted to get out of the mess and parked at a patrol station, where I got into a bigger mess.

After buying all that I forgot to buy, I went to get my car. As I was about to squeeze in between 2 cars, I realized that my car wouldn’t fit, so I reversed, and for the life of me, I did not see the car behind me when I was reversing. All I know is suddenly, there was a thud, and I had hit his car. It was pretty bad, and I panicked. I had NEVER hit anyone like that before. Luckily, that man was pretty tolerant, and he asked for my dad’s number and my name. I went back home with a dented bumper, and a business card for my dad. His reaction was the reaction of an irritated father, so he told me to talk to my mom. I was expecting a great blow from them, but it never came. It NEVER came, which shocked me. They told me, I was at fault, but since the man himself had admitted that he shouldn’t have gone in so fast, I think to an extent, he too, felt that he was to blame. And what happened after that, I wouldn’t want to disclose. What I know is that I am shaken by this experience. Perhaps everybody else wouldn’t be as shaken as I am right now, but I just am. Driving is a pretty scary thing to do at the moment, and this morning, I was almost involved in another accident, which might have taken my life if the collision had happened. Thank God it didn’t. I am wondering now why I’m acting like some mindless idiot, who can’t even drive and I am scared. I just am. I take things that happen to me as signs of what might happen to me later. God has a way of transmitting signals to me, telling me to be careful.

I should really clear my senses, and be more alert. I should really do it, before I get myself stuck with things that I don’t want to. By the way, I love Clinique Simply. It smells like apples. =)

sweet one

This is by far, the sweetest poem anyone had ever given to me.
Received on the 12th of January 2004…

Those happy days, we thought it never end,
But time flies so fast; wish we could go back where it all began,
When I’m not here, hopefully we’ll both stay strong,
And just hope that nothing goes wrong,
For someday, I will come back,
And then, we’ll have those happy days again..

a song by the anonymous

Seandainya, kau ada di sini denganku,
Mungkin ku tak sendiri,
Bayanganmu yang selalu menemaniku,
Hiasi malam sepiku,
Ku ingin bersama dirimu,
Ku takkan pernah berpaling darimu,
Walau kini kau jauh dariku,
Kan selalu ku nanti
Kerna ku sayang kamu.

Hati ini, selalu memanggil namamu,
Dengarlah melatiku,
Ku berjanji, hanyalah untukmu cintaku,
Takkan pernah ada yang lain,
Adakah rindu dihatimu seperti rindu yang ku rasa?
Sanggupkah ku terus terlena tanpamu disisiku,
Ku kan slalu menantimu..

This song is really sweet yah? It’s sang by an anonymous singer.. I really don’t know who. But this song is really sweet… really, really sweet..

the horriblest zit, ever

That is the most horriblest zit I ever sawed in my whole wide life! And that zit is on MY FACE! Arhggghh. Boring Saturday. Very, very boring. I feel like going out or something. Last night was the greatest achievement of all the nights in my rehabilitation. I fell asleep before 2 in the morning. I have never slept any earlier than 3 for the past 2 weeks, and yesterday I slept before 2 o’clock in the morning. Gosh, I really am getting better I think. And yesterday, I am not sure why, but, I was just plain happy. I was me. The crazy stupid smiling me. Wow. But today that monster has taken over me again, and I hate it, arghh. Why can’t I just stay like I was yesterday? I guess it’s because people keep on changing and they don’t stop. Some people just forget what they had yesterday, and so they are willing to throw whatever. Haha. Yesterday night I had the shockest shock of my life. I was on my way back from OU and our car stopped at the traffic light. Beside our car was a jeep. I absent-mindedly looked at it until, a little boy popped his head at the window. For a long while I stared, and after that long while did I register that the little boy was Arif. He is soo cute, I wish he was my brother. The light turned green, the jeep went straight and we went left. Is it a sign do you think?

anything but that

Clear blue skies,
And deep blue seas,
Lovely sunsets,
And romantic moonlights,
Think about these things,
And think about them hard,
Think about it all,
Think about anything but that.

Heart Donor, anyone?

Last night, my friend D called me, and she was crying. I thought, “oh, god, please don’t let it be another one.” But it was, sadly it was another one. She had been crying all night and sounding so tired at the other end of the line, so I told her to sleep and forget it all for the time being. But she just couldn’t stop. I got out of bed, and switched the radio on, hoping that it would lull her to sleep. Finally, I heard the last of her weeping, and she dozed off. Today, I called to check on her, but she didn’t pick up the phone. Thinking she was in the bathroom, I didn’t worry too much. But when I called again and again and again, and she still didn’t pick up, I started to panic. She lived miles away from where I was, and I wasn’t sure how I could make sure that she was really alright. I started to make a lot more other phone calls to various people, whom she might have talked to the night before, and all of them said that they would help in the search.

Suddenly, my phone rang, and it was her. I quickly picked it up, wanting to scream my lungs out telling her how worried I was about her, but as I was about to open my mouth, the voice at the other end wasn’t hers. It was a male, with a very stern voice, so stern that it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand. It wasn’t going to be a nice phone call, and I just knew. The male happened to be a police officer who had found the body of my friend in the bathroom adjoining her bedroom. My friend had done the unthinkable, and the mother of all sins, she took her life away. I didn’t hear anything that the officer was saying, I simply felt numb. Long after the conversation had ended, I was still staring at the phone, thinking about absolutely nothing. I got into bed, and that’s when I started weeping.

At the funeral, all my friends were there. We looked at the small and frail body lying before us, thinking about the many other things she could have done to take the pain away, but no, she thought that was the easiest way out. Now, she’s just a helpless body waiting to meet her creator. N was there too, yes, he had the guts to show his face. He was beside D’s body, crying his heart out, holding on to the lifeless hand of my friend. He looked devastated, and crushed, but did it matter anymore what he looked like or what he felt? At that point we all looked at him with nothing more than hatred and bitterness; for causing so much pain to our friend.

The funeral was finally over, and we occasionally visited D’s family. D’s mom showed us a note which D had left before she took the life out of herself. It said,

MAMA, ABAH, ADIK AND KAKAK, AND TO ALL MY DEAR FRIENDS. YOU ALL KNOW THAT I AM NOT VERY STRONG AND I DON’T THINK I CAN GO ON WITHOUT HIM. I’D LOVE TO TRY, BUT I GUESS IT WOULD HURT TOO MUCH. TRUTH IS, I AM NOT SURE WHAT I FEEL, BECAUSE I THINK I LOST MY HEART. SO NOW, I AM GOING TO STAB IT, TO MAKE SURE IT IS STILL BLEEDING. IF IT STILL BLEEDS AND I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS TEST, PERHAPS YOU CAN ALL HELP ME TO GET A HEART DONOR TO REPLACE MY BROKEN HEART. I LOVE YOU ALL, YOU KNOW I DO.

Our hearts went out to her when we read this note. I kept on thinking about the note, and her and her death and thought that all of it was such a waste. Her life, her career, her studies. She could have done so much more with her life. But truth is, she had lost her heart, and nobody could replace it. I guess she saw no point in going on since she had become one of the heartless. Even if she lived, perhaps nobody could ever come forward to donate her a heart. May her soul rest in peace.

what would it feel like to be flying without wings?

"Flying Without Wings"

Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So, impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place

It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings

And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends

I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings


a very significant song in my life. the words just get to my heart and head. it shows us how much small things turn the impossible into the possible. and in this song, flying without wings is an impossibility, but friendship, love and dreams make it all attainable. it's a lovely song and it can get you crying sometimes.

i guess little things in life do affect us most. some of us may think that it is not true, but i think most of the time, small things are the things that make us happy- or sad. say, for example, a 1 minute phonecall saying "i love you" can make your whole day. but a C in a paper can make you miserable for quite some time. all of those are small things, but they make a big impact on how we feel and think. and right now, many small things have happened to me, and the impact, i must say is pretty massive. i'm wishing that someday, i will be able to fly without wings again.

i dare me to move, like today never happened

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here X2
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next? X2

I dare you to move X2
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move X2
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here X2
Between who you are and who you
could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move X2
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move X2
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from
yourself?
Where you gonna go? X2
Salvation is here

I dare you to move X2
I dare you to lift yourself
Lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move X2
Like today never happened
Today never happened X2
Today never happened before

i am the not so strong fighter

Too much will always be too much. And we all know that too much of something can be pretty deadly. This is what it is all about. It’s freaking 2.10 in the morning and I can’t sleep. This condition is normal, and 2 o’clock is basically nothing as compared to 4 in the morning. Last night I slept at 4.30, and woke up 25 minutes later for sahur. I am seriously deprived of sleep. I just can’t seem to doze off. God help me, I could really do with some rest right now.

Well, back to what I was saying about having too much of something. Sometimes, too much thinking can drive a person nuts. And as stupid as this may sound, I just realized that after nearly 20 years of living. Too much of memories really hurt, yeah? It’s hard to throw it all down the drain. It’s taxing, and horribly tiring. I wish that I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all my tears, but I can’t seem to play that role very well. A big dose of distraction would really do me a good favour. Yeah, Ady told me that I could use a great big distraction. And I know I it would really help me too.

Hope keeps me fighting, and hope keeps me alive, but I had stopped living on it because I was living a lie. About 2 weeks ago, it became very, very apparent what was coming my way, and that’s when I seriously stopped hoping. The thing is, I had been living in hope for way too long. Much longer than I intended to, and much longer than I should have. So, due to too much hope, it hurts too much. All guys are the same. I hate stereotyping, because I would hate a guy to tell me that all girls are the same, but seriously, all guys are the same. The only reason they pick up the pieces of your heart is only to break them into pieces again. I have learnt that from experience. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am not a very strong fighter. Isn’t it all apparent now?

where has my heart gone to?

27th October
It’s 13th Ramadhan already, but I didn’t feel it passing. Something is amiss, but I can’t seem to point my finger at what it is. This year’s Ramadhan is different, but I’m not sure what is different about it. It’s almost half a month I’ve been fasting, and I can’t seem to connect with my creator. It is alarming, because though I am not very pious, connecting to Him, the Creator during Ramadhan especially, has never really been much of a problem for me. I am not looking forward to Hari Raya, and I’m not sure why. Have I just grown out of the habit of being so excited about Raya? What’s wrong? And Hari Raya cards. I haven’t sent a single card, and I haven’t received a single card either. When I was much younger, I’d be posting my cards on the second day of fasting, but this year, I just couldn’t really care less. Perhaps I need to start. Yeah, perhaps I will send them tomorrow.

The reason is on air at the moment. This song really gets to the heart, and I never seem to get bored of it. I just wish I could feel more about this festive season. Make plans or bake cookies, or whatever. But I can’t feel anything for it. I hate to admit it, but I am fasting for the sake of it. And as for getting a new baju kurung for raya, I’m doing it for the sake of my mom. Yeah, my mom. I think she has been reading my mind for the past few weeks. She looks like she knows, but she won’t ask. She just has that knowing look. And it’s awful, because I want to tell her things, but I just don’t think I will. And I’m not even sure why I’m keeping things from her.

I miss college. I miss TKC- a lot! I just miss those times buka with my friends, pesan stuff from cikgu halim, and also pakcik mus. Going to pasar malam or buka in seremban parade. Those times are just gold. Gold, I tell you. Irreplaceable. I wish I was a 15 year old again, then perhaps I wouldn’t have trouble sleeping. Now, miss you, blink 182 is on air. Yeah, I’m wishing for that angel from my nightmare. Where are you? Stop this pain tonight. I know I sound really bored, and a lot blur, and the truth is I’m just all that. Tonight I came home from tarawikh with the realization that I have not connected with my Creator, and now I’m worrying about it. Where has my heart gone to? Do I need to stab it to make sure that it’s bleeding still?

the morning of 27th

The clock is ticking, and the days are counting. I am getting better. The hurt and pain has started to subside; slowly, but surely. I am now less angry, and I feel better with this tranquility. Back then when I was mad, the satisfaction I got from my angst was purely temporary. I know now that I am not that person I thought I was, and this new self-discovery has brought me to respect myself more. The best remedies now are friends, laughter, chocolates and tears. Yes, ironically, tears too have become a remedy. It is good to let go of all the pent-up hurt once in a while; but only once in a while. I have learnt now that not everybody understands, and so nobody would really stay to listen. It is a tiring ordeal, especially when I don’t understand what they say, and never seem to take their advice. I guess I understand, because I too, would give up on someone so stubborn. I am getting better, and now able to reason more. I can think and I can feel, and this is just wonderful.

“He is not him, but he is someone. He may not be the same, but he is there. It may be unfair to him, but for the time being, it may just be the thing I need. The big great distraction I had been looking for.” This is what my friend told me, and it has got me wondering..

today

Today, I really had fun. It’s been a while since I last had so much fun, doing absolutely crazy stuff, doing stupid things and laughing so much. I am getting better, because I’m starting to live again, and I’m starting to feel again. To feel is a wonderful thing. And only now I realize. And for all this while I had been closing my eyes, I know now that I have a backbone with the strength of steel. I know that people are watching my back, and I am truly grateful. Today I have laughed, and I hope the days to come would be the same. I am truly thankful, grateful to the people around me who have made me see what a truly wonderful person I can really be.

priceless

The things one learns from loving another soul are irreplaceable.
The experience of being in love is unexplainable.
There are times that we are blinded by so much love, and this is when we forget that things are far from perfect.
These blind moments are the times fate takes a twist, leaving us with the unexpected.
The unexpected is the part that hurts.
But, however painful the ordeal may be, we know we have to go on, with or without an explanation.
There will be times when we let go without doubt, but at other times, we may just go on with a really heavy heart.
However tough it is, put a smile on the face, even if it is faked.
Get up from the spot you fell, and face the world with dignity.
It is never too late.
Let the pain seep through, face it, don’t block it.
Because in the end, the heart learns.
And that learning experience is priceless.

Inspired by the pain of a friend ~26/10~

Sometimes, there are decisions in life that we just have to make.
It is difficult to tell fate to follow the path we desire because we are not the administrators of fate. Allah the Almighty is.
Sometimes, the decisions we make may not necessarily be what we want, but we make them, because we have to.
It is difficult to determine the reason behind each and everything that happens in our lives, and come to a point; we just have to go on without much question.
Sometimes things just happen when we least expect them to, and these unexpected things are those we truly cherish and care for.
It is difficult to open our eyes to sunlight when we are accustomed to the dark, but as long as we live, we cannot keep them shut.
Sometimes things just happen for a reason we shall never know, and until we die shall we wonder why.
It is difficult, I know, but everything happens for a very good reason, I’m sure. What separates us all is knowing and not knowing the reason behind.

i wrote this at 6.20 in the morning

The remnants of yesterday should become the strength of today,
The pieces of today should become the core of tomorrow,
And the portion of tomorrow should be what we reach out for.

Yesterday might have been the worse of all failures,
But if you never fail, how can you ever learn?
If today you failed again, it is never too late to get your feet back on the ground,
Because the days to come may just be windows to greater horizons.

If it felt right then, and it still does,
Let it feel right.
If it doesn’t happen now,
It might just happen later.
If it doesn’t happen at all,
Perhaps it is just for the better.

close like hell means nothing no more

The reason why I lost that feeling,
Is because close like hell means nothing no more.

The reason why I can’t seem to care even when I want to,
Is because close like hell means nothing no more.

The reason why I lied when I said “I love you”,
Is because close like hell means nothing no more.

The reason why I lost interest in you,
Is because close like hell means nothing no more.

The reason why I can’t seem to think of anything to talk with you,
Is because close like hell means nothing no more.

The reason why I don’t miss you,
Is because close like hell means nothing no more.

The reason why I left you to suffer,
Is because close like hell means nothing no more.

*Damn you, I wish you could do better than give me these 7 words. No point of you learning English when all you could think of is “close like hell means nothing no more”.

And this is what I have to say

When you told me you didn’t really feel me there,
I held on because I had faith in you.

The reason why I stayed on even when it seem like you didn’t care,
Is because I thought you needed me around.

I believed you when you said “I love you”,
Because I thought you were too nice to lie.

The reason why I never lost interest in you,
Is because I cared enough to try and be interested.

The reason why I called was not to talk to you,
But to merely hear your voice when I missed you.

The reason why I missed you so much,
Is because I had you, but I just didn’t feel you there.

The reason why I stayed when you begged me to stay,
Is because I loved you enough not to want you to suffer.

the story that our eyes tell

The lips are smiling,
And they always can,
But look into the eyes,
Look very, very closely,
Are the eyes smiling too?

You can laugh all you can,
You can always pretend,
But the eyes will betray,
So you can never hope of getting away.

You can smile with all your might,
Show your teeth from ear to ear,
But if your eyes remain so sad,
People would know you’ve been in tears.

The eyes always have something very interesting to tell.
The eyes can open windows to secrets we dare not spell.
The eyes can define honesty and lies.
The eyes give away true feelings.
The eyes seldom lie.
The eyes are the key to everything.

did i?

When I asked for you to feel the way I did,
Did I ask for too much?

When I asked you to hold my hand when I held on to yours,
Did I hold on too tight?

When I asked you to say “I love you”,
Did I ask you to say too much?

When I wanted you to miss me just the way I did,
Did I want too much?

When I hoped that you’d call,
Did I hope too much?

When I wanted you to be around me,
Did I want you too much?

When I needed a crying shoulder,
Should I not have cried?

When I wanted to be happy with you,
Was I too happy to want you to be happy too?

When I tried to catch your attention,
Did I try too hard?

When I pretended that I didn’t care,
Was my pretending bad?

When I tried to be there for you,
Was it not enough?

When I needed nothing more than you to be mine,
Should I have not needed you?

When I wanted nothing more than you,
Was I wrong for wanting that?

chocolates

(written on 21/10)

I am at the moment, in my room, eating a bar of snickers. Chocolate is the best medicine. A chocolate a day keeps the blues away, haha. Actually, the reason I’m eating this particular bar, is because a good friend of mine, had just pointed out to me, how sick I look. I look sick? Do I really? I feel good, I eat well, I laugh a lot, so where have I gone wrong to make me look sick? Oh, I think I know. I’m suffering insomnia. Every night, I come back from tarawikh, feeling so drowsy, only to frustrate myself, because I am unable to sleep. I am unable to doze off, I am unable to rest my brain by imagining blue seas and lovely sunsets. Do I need a therapist of some sort? Because it has come to the extent that it is making me look unwell, though I know that I am.

Let us analyze this problem. Why am I not able to fall asleep? And when I do, I am unable to sleep soundly? What is going through my mind, what is bothering me so much? If it’s the devils, well they’re all locked up. If it’s the lights, I switch them off. If it’s the aircond, I don’t use it all the time. If it’s my bed, well, there’s never really been a problem before. Then, what is it? Oh, I know, it’s my mind. The reason why I can’t sleep well, is because my mind works faster than my body, and when my body is ready for rest, my mind is not in for resting, so my physical activities end long before my mental activities do. Yah, I think that’s why. I think I found out. I am just plain sick of all this. Plain sick of not being able to sleep. Plain sick of not being able to think straight, plain sick of just about everything. And now, I look sick. How wonderful. How very, very wonderful.

her eyes have died

~ Her eyes have died ~

Her eyes have died,
Her heart is sore,
She’s all cried out,
Need I say more?

Her eyes have died,
Her heart is hurt,
Outside she has smiled,
Inside she is burnt.

Her eyes have died,
Her heart is crushed,
Though her spirit’s bright,
It’s been pretty tough.

Her eyes have died,
So has her heart,
And though she has fought,
She thinks she has lost.

Her eyes have died,
Her heart is dead,
Her hopes have stopped,
Enough is said.