I always get excited whenever a Tuesday hit my calendar. It was the time I was scheduled to go to Saint Louis University (SLU) to attend the psych class for my masters in nursing. It was also the time I met my classmates whom I consider as one of the biggest support systems I have in Baguio City. After the class, we would often go to Gloria Jeans and spend some additional time to talk. We even share problems and give psychotherapy to each other if needed.

There are a lot of times when I faced them sad and confused because of problems with my ex who was then my present boyfriend. They let me see a lot of angles and share a variety of opinions and proposed solutions to the then current dilemmas. Some gave an obviously inappropriate advice (could be due to lack of understanding of the salient points) and some said some bright words that hit the right spot. Whenever my ex would inhibit me to go out with the only real social life that I have in Baguio, I would really assert for my right to go with them because it only happens once in every one or two weeks. Unfortunately, it often turned into another conflict between the two us.

It is actually not the amount or appropriateness of the advice that I am after whenever I see my friends. It is simply their presence and the experience of having people willing to spend time to listen and share both positive and negative energies with. I tried to extend my life to these people and what they had to offer because I do not want my world to revolve around my partner. The need for belongingness from friends is something that should not be denied nor forbidden. Nobody has the right to stop you from fulfilling a need.

I have learned to appreciate my support systems not by the quantity or number of people I have but on the quality of friendship and connection that we have in terms of genuineness, sincerity, and the implied promise that whatever happens, you are just there for each other. And yes, my real friends both in Baguio and in Tagum were completely there for me after the break-up.

There was not a day that nobody would call me just to check on how I was doing. While I was in Tagum City to spend the grieving process, my friends in Baguio kept calling on the phone just to listen and reflect with me. On the other hand, my friends in Tagum visited me at home and listened to my stories while offering a hand to hold on whenever I feel like crying. My best friends regularly took me to the local coffee shop to spend time talking and enjoying the wifi. Meanwhile, my mom and older sister would take me to malls and places where we could shop clothes and stuffs or to the supermarket for some groceries.

My Mom, my older sister and my real friends were all there and are still there to keep me sane, to check on my physical safety and emotional intactness, and to keep me diverted whenever I need to. They are my support system and I can not ever move forward without them.

I used to see him every time I opened my wallet. I forgot that it was an important thing for me to remove his picture because it no longer had a place inside it. I was in denial. I acted as if the break-up did not happen. In my mind was the awareness that the relationship is gone but the heart did not feel any pain, misery or despair. Like I said I was in denial – the first stage of grieving according to Kubler-Ross.

I thought that if this repression carries on, all the painful emotions might someday come rushing to hit me all at once and I might not be able to manage them in the context of sanity. I then rushed my heart to feel the hurt but the effort was futile. I was still in denial. My heart was numb to preserve its wholeness and muster energy before facing what has to be faced.

I remembered what my co-psychotherapist told me that I should fully embrace the grieving process including the time it takes for its completion. I said Okay and so it was time to wholly embrace the grieving process! I knew that I cannot rush healing otherwise I will always deal with a non-ending cycle of relapses.

Every time my girl best friend (Lani) brutally scolds me for keeping the picture, I always pull out the reply that his picture does not cause any harm so why bother. If I am in the denial stage then so shall I be in denial! Days passed by and I continually performed the regular check by staring at his picture on my wallet.

Before the second week ended, looking at him in the picture seemed to start giving me an absurd feeling that was not present before. I already felt the pain slowly crawling into my nerves and into my heart. Finally, I was hurting!

I already got the stimulus I need to finally remove his picture from my wallet along with four other photos of us together. I hid his solo picture in a secret place and decided to burn the other four in a special ceremony that I devised the night that followed. I cried while slowly burning them. I allowed myself to feel the pain I was longing for.

The pictures are gone but the memories still lived. I was hurting so much that every thought of him was like a direct stab on the chest. But I knew it was good because finally, I made it pass the first stage of the grieving process! I was no longer in denial.