Even in Tales of Woeeeeee

Lies ADVENTURE!

I know... I know... I've been a wet rag... I'll admit it. It's not my style. but fuck I mean who doesn't go through shit? Mine kinda bad right now but I refuse to let it kill my spirit.

Sooooooo.............

Yeeeeesterdaayyyyy

I was in Chelsea. I decided it was time for an adventure. A free one. Walking in the shoes of my Idol Patti Smith I decided to walk into the Chelsea Hotel. Now you really can't go in there if you don't' have a room or rather live there... I mean I think now it's apartments more than rentals.

Patti stayed there. I had to see it. So I snuck in. The only way in life to do shit I believable is to be cool as a cucumber and pretend like you own the place. So I walk in right past the front desk and to the elevator and hit the button. I get right in. NICE.

I went up one floor then walked up the stair wells admiring all the art on the walls... the banisters that Patti touched... The history.... Taking it all in. It was outstanding. A moment that cost nothing but worth a million pennies...

I walked up every floor taking it all in.. the old stairs... the architecture...




I pictured Sid Vicious and Nancy walking up these same stairs all fucked on Heroin... Patti stressed about money and how she was gonna make it... Edie Sedwick setting her room ablaze.... I felt it... It was outstanding. People with small eyes who walk daily could NEVER understand the value of being there... and I... I so gifted. So lucky.

I went all the way to the top floor and admired all the hanging art ...


A Building... a structure full of history full of art. All in itself forget the bullshit art hanging in the halls.... Art living with windows and steps breathing living... Years of heartache... poor struggling people that occupied these stairs wells and rooms... God I hate people now that occupy her beauty. They will never understand.

I only had my cell phone cam for shotty photos to show you but oh how lovely... I admired a place that had a window in that place it had old tile... broken ... untouched.



No one was in the hall ... I opened the window and closed it behind me. I sat out on her fire escape..... taking it all in.... The one time I will be allowed.




Looking down..... Looking out..... at my city. This was my room even for a half hour it was mine. It's indescribable.

After that next door there's the Chelsea movie theater. Well I snuck in and had my choice of film... the only one playing right away was Give him to the Greek.


It was eh... funny but eh... but free... It was a day. So nice to have a moment... a damn good one in all my stress.....



I wish you all could have felt free for a moment like I did on that fire escape.... I escaped the fires of my bullshit life right now.

Sometimes there is sunshine you just have to sneak around the clouds to find it.

Gonna Hate!

Gonna hate life tomorrow... 

Old habits die hard...I have to go to train at some Cafe in NY tomorrow morning so I have to be all up and sprite.  They are all snooty too so they specifically stated it's a "Trail" then they decide.  Nice right?  I'm probably just better off just sleeping in... and not going but do I even have a choice at the moment? NOT...  haha... 

Ok it's my own fault... I had brad and my good friend Kross here... yeah that's his nick name Kross... we watched that bullshit trapped in the closet... Then Brad left and  Kross and I had a night of deep discussions of life and how I feel being here... His views on NYC and growing up in the area... We discussed everything from God and what it is to him which he actually calls it "The Even Flow"  I liked his ideas of what that means to him.  It's almost like God but different.  And yet the same.  It was lovely.  His way I guess of not labeling it.  As I do not believe it should have labels or rules.  

We know each other since I was 22 so we talked about old times and friends... vacations and heart aches... All in all it was nice.  But I could kill.  Cause I did it to myself actually.  I took a nap earlier today (Not my thing AT ALL)  And now I'm paying for it.  I knew it.  I'm tired but I have so much on my mind it's hard to shut it all off.  Cause we got all wound up.

A good Friday... makes for a Baaaaad Saturday morning training on making espressos. 

Mental Note:  DO NOT NAP. 

Finally a fun moment

Have my friends over tonight watchin R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet" ever see this dramatic shit????? It' s actually the most brilliant and yet horrendous shit I've ever seen.... 

It's a brilliant come back on P. Kelly's life... Pee as in PEEEEEEE on you Kelly... HILARIOUS... Now I've seen some of it on tv... but this is brilliant ... HIL AR IOUS..... It's like a Ghetto ass all my children but BETTER.... It's 2 hours pack of drama... Everyone's got a gone a gun and someone's in the closet... then under the sink... everyone's sleeping with everyone... they all know each other... and pastors are gay and husbands and wives cheating ... it's a little nugget of fun with my friends... spaghetti and sausage with home made sauce *grin*  two of my wonderful friends with wine... cocktails... and DRAMA!!!!!!!!!! 

Just thought I'd report I'm not dead.... But once in a while lately God gives me fun nights. 

YOU MUST RENT THIS GHETTO DRAMA... with the right people... popcorn or vodka even straight.... it's

HILARIOUS.....

On the bottom of the hill

First off I want to thank you all for genuounly caring about my well being and checking in from time to time.  I had a really really nice evening with my husband that day.  And I think now that we are actually away from each other I'm starting to see things clearer.  Not sure what the future holds quite honestly but I think all in all it will be ok.  Atleast with us. I certainly hope so.

I know... I've whined... said things were hard time and time again in the past but honestly?  This has been the hardest time I've ever had to endure I think. I feel so alone

in a world of strange people.  NY is great... I wont lie it's fun.  But I feel beat down.  I feel like I want to close my eyes and wake up tomorrow back where I was.  But I can't.  There is no going back.  And that's the harsh reality.  I'm unhappy.  Terribly unhappy.  I miss my old life.  I miss being in my old house.  Taking the bus into NYC and coming back to the peace of my own home.  I dunno... There was sort of a strange comfort in even my misery there.... Crazy as that sounds huh?

Life is harsh here... And I search for work but not getting any.  It's pretty sick.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of worrying how I'm gonna pay my rent and doing odd jobs.  Some people I know tell me this is where the real test is.  Keep on trying.  Stay positive.  But its now these times...These days... That I just can't sleep.  I think too much.  I'm exhausted.  On every level.  I keep telling myself this will make me stronger but some times I feel like I'm going to crack. 

How much can one person take?  I'm tired on so many levels.  I know I know this is a sad post but I kind of need to do this so when I am great I can look back and remember how ugly things got. 

But yeah.... Thanks for following my life... It really really does mean a lot. 

Still Ironing things Out

So yesterday I finally painted my last wall blue.  Now its a matter of details. You know painting corners and ceiling area that I smudged then comes the fun stuff.  I planned on painting words on my closet door.  I've narrowed it down to "She's so Alex" or "You're the boss applesauce" That's the one I'm probably going to go with since I really love Edie Sedgwick.  

Last night was so chill.  It was the first time my husband slept over here since I moved out.  I made my famous spaghetti and meatballs, we drank wine, and talked a lot.  Funny how time away actually has made us both better individuals.  I really feel he's grown some and so have I and it's only been a week.  Funny thing is when we lived together we let go of the appreciation we had for each other.  He'd go up and watch tv and I'd be in the living room hanging out with friends.  Now that it's just one room here in my new place we actually had to sit together and we got to talk and laugh.  It was really nice.  I think we're going to be really good friends. 

A Brick Wall. Climb Over or Stop.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a while.  It just seems like I can't have things go smoothly.  Ok Not trying to focus on the negative but I feel better when I can just put it down to rest after I blog about it and work to change it.  

Basically I've been on unemployment trying to get my life together receiving an amount that was livable.  Now I get half that money.  Just yesterday.  I call to find out what that was all about and they said I wasn't qualified for an extension on the NJ unemployment because I worked in Manhattan and I have to exhaust that state's unemployment first before being eligible.  Thing is when I worked at that bar that bastard never paid me in checks.  Just tips.  So I dunno where he gets the audacity to put me on the books.  Now unemployment got involved and I'm getting fucked.  The amount NYC is issuing me isn't going to make my rent.  

Yesterday needless to say I was panicked.  I'm still freaking.  

All I can do now is call them and argue that I helped out there but didn't officially work there because I never received paychecks.

If that doesn't work I'm going to have to find a job faster than I found this apartment.  This is really bugging me out.  I have rent and bills to pay.  I just have to remain calm and see what happens.  Some how god will not let me fall on my face.

My question is why such a big hurdle?  Couldn't it be something smaller?  Something that wouldn't effect my entire life in such a huge way?  Christ and why now?  Can't I just get settled a little more time would have helped.  Oh man they say in the beginning it's hard but fuck me.... 

I got no one helping me here.  I have got to figure something out fast. 

Rainy NY Wed

So Tired of painting my new room I know today is probably the ideal day to do it... blahhh so don't feel like it though.  Fuck it maybe I'll do that for a while and find a cheap bar close by.  I just wish I had internet at home already this sucks ugh... 

So My music isnt working.  Seems I brought the wrong cord for my Bose.  The right cord is boxed in storage.  No internet.  And No Cable.  Just a bunch of crappy movies and painting.  Ugh... Oh well what the hell ya gonna do.  It's Wed it so feels like a wed. Yeah nothing exciting to report just thought I'd pop in and blog really fast.

Well I'm here

My Internet isn't set up yet... which is HIGHLY annoying.  Cause I have to take my ass to some foofy foofy Internet cafe but I'm dealing.

In true NYC form I'm broke as shit.  But at least my friend Brad (Chaci sox) is keeping me company.  I pretty much unpacked just about all my things and began priming and painting my bedroom yesterday.  I have to keep doing this and staying busy or I'll lose it.  It's kinda lonely here and I'm not used to it yet.  For some odd reason I keep waking up super early.  It's really weird.  I might shit I suppose it could be worse... I could be not sleeping at night... 

My first few nights were fun... spent some time with my friends... went out dancing... but now I've probably got 50 cents till Thursday... 

The other night a rat the size of a chihuahua ran past our feet I screamed...

lol... look it's not my first time seeing one but never that size. 

And yesterday's efforts in painting were crazy... things all over the room... and what happens?  Brad knocks over a full can of paint.  It took two hours to clean up that lagoon... It made the Exxon oil spill look like a rain puddle.  

That's when I just threw my arms up in the air and said fuck it.

 I need to go out and get hammered.... It was just one of those days. So we went to my favorite bar that has the famous 5 dollar whiskey and beer special... It was Ipod night.  I slapped my Ipod on for a good hour and a half of Ramones and Whiskey.  

That soooo helped yay... 

Do not even ask me how I woke up this morning at 7 am.  

*Sigh* Ohhhh what to do what to do... what to do today? Hmmm..