At the Salon....

Ok so today I go get my nails done. (Not the plastic kind) I hate that fake shit.

And so I'm sitting at the dryer. Now you have to understand my nails are perfectly wet and glossy. This is no joke. You spent this money Alex damn you sit under that dryer. I HATE sitting under the dryer I'm so lazy about it.

Anyway... So I'm here. I'm now trapped. In that swivel chair... and in full frontal view of a girl about 26 years of age. Kinda butchy... to put it mildly. And she's got this Plastic wrap on her feet... I know what this is cause I've done it... it's quite amazing. It's a cream that removes calluses they peal the wrap off and sand off the excess skin. Now for someone such as myself who doesn't have feet like a goat it's not that gross... I don't have too much going on... In fact I giggle so much they don't really expend much effort....

But this chick today... Legs like ham hocks... feet that look like they had to pry them out of her shoes with the jaws of life... and toes that were crunched upward....


To watch the skin get shaved off of her hooves was enough to make me gag... So I'm trapped. I have to sit there and witness this. Let me tell you I tried to swivel the chair to the left but my hands still had to be on that table under the dryer.

It was torture. Torture I tell you...

I felt like Alex from Clockwork Orange



with my eyes pried open screaming for dear life to make it stop... or Tony Montana in that initial shower scene where they cut his friend up with a chainsaw and he was forced to watch...



It was stuff nightmares are made of. Skin flying clouds of smoke... I swear I think I might have even smelled something burning.

It was horrible.

I had to share this ... I couldn't just keep it to myself.

You're welcome.

What is Love?

I'm curious what you all have to say about love. I'm sure everyone has a different definition of it.

Is it settling for someone because you'd rather not be alone? And if so are you happy? Is it finding that person that can afford to pay your mortgage, bills, children?

Is it being with "A Nice Guy" because it's safe?

I'm still trying to figure out what love is. I believe that love is forgiveness. Openness. Honesty.

I believe love is making all of your happiness their happiness and vise versa.

I believe that love should be strong enough to move mountains. Patient. I believe love is that feeling of pain when they aren't with you. It's waking up thinking about them... The smile you get on your face when you hear song lyrics that define your relationship. It's the way they make you giggle... The surprises they give you and it doesn't have to cost a cent.

It's wanting to wake up by their side every day until you die.


It's every breathe in your body... The other half of your soul. It's noticing they have freckles or their cute ears... It's the memories you can see like yesterday when you close your eyes... It's feeling lost when you're not with them. It's wanting to have their child and kissing the tear on your cheek. It's unselfish and undying.

And most of all I believe that unless you love that person like Romeo and Juliette innocent and unclouded by our day to day reality it's not going to work.

I think it has to be strong enough to withstand just about anything.... worth fighting for and worth trying for. Not always understood by others but only by you.

And yet why is it that love that is so passionate in such a way is usually doomed? In the sense that it doesn't work out... Either it's bad timing... or you feel that way and the other does not?

I find that in most cases it's like that...

Such as in the case of Ducky and Andie (Pretty in Pink) or Romeo and Juliette... Like Water for Chocolate... Dangerous Liaisons...



Is love supposed to be "Responsible"? Where it gets boring? Bills get paid, Kids get made, you grow bored of each other... Watch tv together nightly on couches? Go to family get togethers... Have sex once a month if you're lucky.... ahhhh but you have your "Partner" And they aren't going anywhere....

So is that exciting? Does that make one happy? Is forbidden love more exciting than traditional love? Are we all searching for that one person that makes our heads spin and finally give up?

And what happened? When I was 16 all the way into my 20s I believed in undying love... The kind you'd kill yourself over... that you couldn't live if you didn't live for your love... And little boys had it too... That first heartbreak... Every one's had it and you all wanted to die. Weather you locked yourself in your bedroom for days on end ... didn't eat... cry your eyes out... or puked your guts up cause you drank too much.... You know you've all had it... So there was a shred of innocence somewhere once at sometime.

Love changes ... priorities change... Love becomes finding a partner who can help you pay the bills and keep you company so your weekends aren't empty. I dunno...

I kind of fell into that trap for a while. Sometimes I think that I'd like to see what life would be like risking it all. Loving myself and not being afraid of the outcome... but it's scary.

So? What is love?

I'm on this roll cause it's valentines day. And I think to myself how many people talk to each other like shit all year long then buy worthless over priced flower and crappy candy.

What's your insight on this?

Away with you Satan.

I will not create a human kingdom by being the most powerful... But by being the poorest.

A New Photoshoot

This is a new photoshoot I posted on my facebook but I thought I should put it here cause to me it's art. I'm really trying to comprise a portfolio because I consider myself an artist. In ever sense of the word. This is just one of my Artistic talents. Granted it's not professional but it's damn good. It was fun dressing up *giggle* the little girl inside of me had fun.

Hope you like them.

Cindy Sherman

Self Love. Self love and confidence is not afraid to make statements in photo. Even if that means ugly. I relate to her. So very much. She's one of my favorite artists. Because she's got the same imagination I do. Unafraid to be ugly. Knowing she's Beautiful making statements with her persona. That's not easy. To take on many faces. Even without make up. I emulate her. She's brilliant. If you don't know her work you should inform yourself.



Sides of myself :

I Remember the sun

There was Darkness..... You fumble through life. knocking into things. You can't see yourself but you know you're there. So you awake you find clothing you put them on. You walk touching walls... finding your way and making through You're not dead and you are. You know you're there but you're not. That's all you know.

Then one morning you awake as usual. Your eyes hurt. There's a glow. It's warm...


Lost in color...Blues wave ocean eyes... blonde sand hair melts in my fingers... olive freckle honey drops of skin... overwhelmed with warmth and beauty. A sudden tenderness.


There are sounds. Rose satin of lip... Emotion under blankets of greens forests ... Breathe of summer rain ... White and clouded... I Swim in your soul... refreshed. Joy. Rain drops on my tongue... shower down my belly. Finger tips... doves perching. I've never smiled. Not till this moment.

Blinded. The sunshine of your name. It's draped itself over me. I began to understand childhood again. You remind me of innocence.


We giggled with with flowers. You filled my belly nourished with love. Awakened every morning dawning of your smile. Disbelief... living dream. Heaven slipped on my finger summer ring. And there you are. Song asleep by my side... touches my hip.

Do you know a laugh? Have you met one?

I can still see your hands.

I remember your light. It blanketed my soul. Jaded little boy afraid.


You saved me more than I saved you. Frightened trying to be brave.

Another day another giggle... another cloud... ocean eyes... star sky gaze evening summer glance ... Sleep and sleep and slumber... Green forest comfort under tropic blankets.

Eye open blackness. I now live in darkness. Stumble through my days. Pictures of you... movie stills. In search of windows. This was real. Suffocated. I've lost your hands.

I still remember your ocean.

Why did I close my eyes?

I Look Back

And Fuck me I'm lucky.

I've had hardships. But I'm so happy. God knows I wish I were somewhere more than I am. But no one will ever understand where I've been. I hate change. Who likes it? But I've always hated it. Still do. But I've learned to embrace it as much as possible. Now when I mean change I don't mean getting laid off. I really don't care about that. I knew from day 1 that place was creepy. No I mean real things.... I've had life changes that the average wouldn't appreciate. I mean the things that I didn't want to happen I got dragged kicking and screaming

And those are the moments I appreciated the most in my life.

Do you know how many times I've been to Europe in my life? Well I didn't count but I'm going to say about 19 or so. Most people go to Florida. Every summer growing up I've been there. I've been in love more than a million times.


I've kissed on Italian beaches and swam in the waters at midnight... I've met celebrities.... Done Great drugs...


Had personal trainers... worked at places like fucking Foodtown to places like TVT Records ... (Trent Reznor's label) I've hung out in celebrity hotel rooms... had an art show... Got a college degree. I've been married. Made best friends and cut people off.

I've Been to Germany and Switzerland... I've stayed at the Plaza.

<--- fucking suite not some chinzie room (fireplace... living room... bed room with separate queen beds ... hot tub phone bathroom... been treated to Gucci... white limo picked up ...) and the Waldorf. I've had roses delivered more times than you could count on hands and feet. Surprises.... I've been on the Deans list.... Got Straight A's in Anatomy and Psych... I've painted.... Been proposed to on the ice at Rockefeller Center. I've eaten at ALL THE BEST places in NYC. I have shoes that would kill you. I've been Goth... and Sad...


Happy and giggled

I've drank Champagne that's expensive and champagne that costs more than your life. I've gogo danced on NYE (not drunk! Paid for on purpose name on fliers kinda shit).... I've gotten up on comedy club nights and participated. I've rode in buses and stretch limos. I've shopped at Sax Fifth Ave ... Been given gifts from Tiffany's


and so broke to buying clothes at dollar stores.

I've walked the Brooklyn bridge

and and beaches in Italy at night under a silver moon.


(I've walked these stairs and been inside No kidding it's astounding)

My lived with domestic violence with my my father beating my mother to a hospital to my sister graduation to me. I've lived in a shelter to get away from that. I've been on food stamps. I've had friends spoil me morning... noon... and night to NYC swag dinners. I've cried. I've laughed. I've been depressed and wanted to die ... I've been so happy my head's spun. I've danced. I've been overweight. I'm my perfect beauty now.


I've started bar fights and been jumped by 4 girls and "Almost" lost

I can cook.......... Big time! You'd die from my meatballs. I've had short hair ... and the courage to cut my long red hair to a black bob.


I tell you how it is and I've been afraid to speak.

I don't drive. I've been to Chicago and been hugged by Goofy at Disney. I worked hard for everything I've ever had and have been lazy.

I've been on unemployment and traveled to Italy twice and Barcelona while broke.

I've bar tended in NYC. I've seen The Cure


Depesche Mode, NIN, New Kids on the Block, Pearl Jam and Marilyn Manson amongst others

I've been in love with a woman and a crop of men.... and have always had my choice.

And Never regreted any of it.

Some it was so hard. In fact I'm on a hard-low right now. Although I know I'll be ok... It feels so low right now. So very low. But when I look back.... I know I'll be ok no matter what.

I hate saying positive shit when I'm so not feeling positive. But the only way I could possibly say anything positive is because I've been through so much.

Man... Life just keeps going doesn't it? It's so fucking scary.

How was it?

It was SURREAL. It's really hard to explain what it's like. Celebrities. They live on a different planet than we do. They really do. I don't care what you've read online what you've heard. They live 24/7 a life we'll never understand. They only really hang out with other celebrities. That's what they know.

And what is it that they know you ask? They get what they want at any time anywhere. They are treated like royalty. No one says no and no one interrupts when they speak. As I so quickly was taught. It's weird. You get the vibe when you walk in.

I'm not bad mouthing. It is what it is. It's their lifestyle. But it makes you really reflect. I just met people this week that could take me places. Is it where I want to be?

And It seems to me like in life (unless you're lucky) you can either be working a job that you don't want to get up for... Tired of the bullshit...and tired of working for some prick and maybe you like it and at the end of the day you go home lucky if you make enough to pay rent or you make more but you sell......

Or you get everything you want... Anytime you want but you still sell. You lose yourself. I've come to the conclusion that to be a celebrity you have to accept to be a certain way. And this is what makes it so difficult to explain. You can do everything you want and pretend you are you ... but you end up being what the public wants you to be. What the media says you are. Sure ... you can maybe call more shots if you're bigger.... but you stop being what the public thinks you are and you're done.

You even begin (in my opinion) start to live that persona. I mean call me corny but when you've got your own room in a suite that has everything ... so much that you don't even appreciate it ... What good is it for?

I mean the things my poor eyes noticed are things she probably doesn't even understand are even there. And look. I emulate her. She makes her own rules. I ADORE that. One might say I'm fucking lucky. It might happen again that I'm there when she's back from tour. But it's kind of depressing. To think that I live in a society that either you're poor and love the little shit cause you have a FUCK job... or you have it all and you are so not there anymore you don't know you have it.

I haven't decided what I want yet.

It's scary. And you do get Jaded. You so do. It's so fucking easy to. The conversations I had tonight made it so tempting to fall into that... In fact I might try and delve into that world.... Only someone remind me when I'm at the top that there was a girl at the bottom once. Please.

Funny thing is with each and every post I make on here I always have a photo in my head... I think today I don't. Wow... I actually don't think I have one... Wait... No. I might upload the photo of me I secretly took in her bathroom! *giggle* It's nothing glamorous... It's just me in her bathroom I have a really funny video I might post ...

Ok I'm drunk. I'm not posting that... I mean you can't see shit but I was on the can... hhahahhaa peeing...but still lol

Bad Night Just got Better

OH MY FUCKING GOD I JUST GOT A CALL.

GUESS WHO I'M HANGIN OUT WITH TOMORROW NIGHT????????????



YES I think I might in fact die.

Kick a person when they are down

Look....

I know alot of people do the "Poor me" shit. I detest that. Only it's possible that people do have poor me moments. I detest people who are constantly poor me. Look. I TRY. I fucking do. It has been an up hill climb since last year.

I had an awakening. After many problems with my husband I made a decision. It's not working. What did I expect? Who am I to whine about how he's acting? After all doesn't he have the right to be upset? FUCK THAT. What about me? for the first 2 months after I told him I wanted different things I pussy footed around his feelings. Living here trying to accommodate cause I knew I was the cause of his unhappiness. Guilt. Tears.

Over what I had inflicted on him. Do I love him? Yes. Did I love him? Yes. Why did I do it? cause I can't live like this anymore.

The thing is I keep taking the shit end of the stick just because I feel like I deserve it. Cause I hurt him. But that doesnt give him any right to seesaw between best guy in the world to "You owe me money" Mr. You owe me money is his evil side. His resentments equate to money. Money....

That always makes the problems. And it's not really money. He puts his hurt into dollars and cents. I hate it that I feel like shit over what I've done to him meanwhile he strikes like a serpant when he feels so.... and I just take it.

Look I don't try to be blameless. We are very different people. But isn't it supposed to be love understanding and patience that keeps the glue in marraige together? And how much am I supposed to tolerate. Fuck I did the right thing when I thought it was best for us to take a break. The honest thing just gave me more headaches. I have only a few more months to live where I do before my lease runs up and no money. He's making sure of that.

So yeah poor fucking me. It's like I live in a place that I never know if it's going to be bad or good. One week I actually start to believe he's reasonable. Then he reminds me that I owe him a bazillion dollars that are inaccurate.

EVEN if I did he doesn't have heart enough to look at me in my position and say "Know what? it's cool you can give it to me later or a little at a time"

I'm tired. I'm so tired. I've been tired for a while and I grow more tired as time goes on. I'm trying but it's wearing me out. The people I'm supposed to go to for comfort can't give me any. Cause they feel their own problems are great. Others have things with me they can't handle. And the one person who wants to be there for me can't.



(That's me by the way. When I was 18.... Yes the secrets out. I'm a Blonde)

I don't even know what's happening anymore.