Now about sex

I don't think anything strikes more fear in the heart of those in recovery than the fourth step inventory.  In addition to the Al-Anon book Blueprint for Progress,  I also ask those I sponsor to do the AA inventory.  We write down an inventory on resentment, fear, and sexual conduct.

One of the most difficult parts of this was the sex inventory.  This isn't a topic that gets discussed much in meetings.  But it is something that needs to be discussed with a sponsor and would make for a lively discussion in a meeting. When it came to the sex inventory,  the first one I did was about all the women that I had ever had sexual relations with.  I started from the first and went through them chronologically.  I misunderstood the intent and wrote down all the details of what happened.

What I have since figured out is the sex inventory is really a relationship inventory.  It's not about putting down all the moves.  Rather it's about what my motives were:  Selfish desires,  manipulation, lust,  lies,  attempts at control, and using another.  By looking at the reasons for sex and not what was done, I was able to see a pattern of where I had been selfish, prideful and hurtful.  The sex inventory is an honest look at my attitude and actions - to put the truth down on paper and review it.

Sex is treated like any other problem.  Aside from basic biological urges,  it's not right to use sex as a means to stave off lonely feelings or to solve other problems.  I didn't get into relationships to get someone to solve financial problems, but I did have relationships hoping to find someone to chase away the feeling of not being loved.

Sexual conduct to me refers to how I treat people in an intimate relationship. Where am I selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, fearful, inconsiderate, too controlling, or too willing to accept unacceptable behavior?  Do I consider the feelings of others or just what I want?

Relationships are not one-sided.  There is give and take, compromise.  But having an intimate relationship that revolves around power and control is not healthy. Someone will be hurt emotionally.  One of the fellows I sponsor said that women give sex looking for love, and men give love looking for sex.  That's sounds like a sad commentary on having a relationship.

I think that most of us in recovery suffer from skin hunger--we want to be held, hugged, embraced, and feel close to others.  Just holding hands is one of the most sensual things.  I've learned to be a romantic and appreciate sex that is based on love.  Two bodies using each other seems pretty empty.

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” ~ Hunter S. Thompson

Victim mentality

Today I visited a friend who has gone 21 years without a drink.  He still has a lot of the "isms" in spite of all those years.  Having not had a job in three years, he got a trick on Halloween in the form of a court summons for failure to make payments on his place.  It's interesting how he blames everyone else but himself for the situation.  Getting a job would be a great start to a course of action that would lift him up.  I keep my mouth shut and wonder at the power of alcoholism that manages to have a hold on someone even after so many years without a drink.

Being a victim of circumstances in life and exuding negative energy makes a person difficult to be around.  I see how the self-centered alcoholic thinking narrows the universe down to just what is in their sphere.  I used to wonder how alcoholics could only be concerned about themselves.  Now I see that being a victim, whether alcoholic or not,  tends to make a person think mostly about what their problems are.  People who are victims seldom seem interested in what others are doing because all the focus is on their own situation.

What if a person decided to stop being a victim and focus outside of themselves, broadening the world to include others and inquire after their happiness?  I think that is where a real difference can be made towards having a life that is full and rewarding versus one that is confined and negative.  But it takes a real change in attitude and behavior.

I don't know if my friend has victim mentality.  I know that I did for a long time.  I blamed the alcoholic for most of my unhappiness, until I began to wonder who had erected the prison that I was living in.  No one was forcing me to stick around for emotional abuse.  I did that willingly.  When I came face to face with my own victim mentality,  I began to see that the walls of isolation and self-pity were erected by me.

Moving away from being a victim and accepting my part was key to having healthy relationships with others.  I have no one to blame but myself if I stick around for abuse.  I am glad to have stopped wondering who is doing what to me and why.  I can look at what I am doing which has made a huge difference in my life.

Why I need to have healthy boundaries

Most of us who come to Al-Anon build walls to hide the pain of a life with alcoholism.  I started building those walls when I was a kid, trying to cover up my shame and creating a fantasy world through reading and walling myself off from the dysfunction.  What I didn't realize at the time was that I had only some broken down fences with which to establish boundaries for myself.

When I first heard about boundaries, I knew that I had breached many with a lot of people. And I had no good idea how to establish those that I needed to take care of myself other than by isolating. By admitting that I was powerless over others and accepting that I could not make anyone do anything, I have gradually learned that a healthy boundary is one that I can enforce.   It isn't one in which I ask the other person to establish the boundary for me.

I can remember warning my wife before going to parties that we would have to leave if she drank too much--as if that had any affect on her.  I couldn't control her drinking.  I couldn't make her leave.  What I realize now is that a good boundary would be saying, "I'm going to leave".  That is a boundary that I can stick by.

Broken down fences are like broken down defenses because I'm left vulnerable to whatever may decide to jump, slide under, or glide through the fence. And I've had to shore up my boundaries with those who are potentially "toxic". 
It's a familiar thing in Al-Anon. How to deal with someone in our life who is causing a great deal of pain? Detaching with love and setting boundaries are good ways to do that.

I realize that people who don't have a positive input into my life can be draining.  I have to decide what is best for me.  This is not an easy solution but one that I have come to understand by putting my best interests first.  I simply don't have much time for those who are selfish and think only of themselves.

In the past, putting the needs of others first and mine last has done a lot of damage.  I now look at damage limitation  because my energy resources are low, my physical resources are limited, my emotional resources have been battered and I have been beaten down so badly for many years.  I have to be kind to myself so that I stand even a chance to recover from the affects of alcoholism and find some quality in my life.

So I have learned that I do not have to take on the whole world's needs before looking to my own. Others forget I have needs, because I have not shown them I do.  I would be strong regardless of how bad I felt.  I thought that not being otherwise would leave me vulnerable.  I now know that I have a right to have needs too.  I do not surround myself with totally selfish people who have no thought for me except to use me to make themselves feel better or as a sounding board for all they cannot cope with, with no regard to what that does to me.

I got to the point before the program that I didn't like hurtful people in my life, but I also didn't know how to get them out of my life or how to detach from them. It has taken me a while to realize that I don't have to like everyone nor do I have to stick around those people who have the potential to be harmful to me. I used to try to ignore them but found that it's hard to ignore the elephant in the living room. Turning the other cheek never worked because I would just get slapped on the other one. And I don't wish to be a martyr. Now, I'm done with people that I don't want to be with. I inventory myself and make a decision on whether I want the drama or the potential of a serenity "breaker".

"In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for "finding himself." If he persists in shifting his responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence." Thomas Merton

Selfishness

I occasionally will get questions either by email or in the comment section. The following is something that I've thought about myself from time to time:

"The hardest emotion for me to overcome is the feeling of selfishness. I am constantly questioning myself and my "new method" of dealing with my brother's alcoholism as being selfish. I have recently taken a hard line with not wanting to put up with, witness or contribute to his drinking, which in turn has alienated me from the rest of my family - each trying their own method of coping with his problem. How is it possible to get my parents and my other brother to all agree on how to best help my younger brother with his alcoholism?" -Lost

Lost, you wrote about your brother and how the family is trying whatever they can to cope with his alcoholism. Since alcoholism is a family disease, it is important for the family to go to Al-Anon meetings and learn some coping skills that will help in their daily lives. Remember that alcoholism is a disease. Remind yourself daily, or hourly if necessary, that your loved one has a disease and you are powerless over it. You can’t fix it, no matter how hard you try or how “good” you are. It is impossible to “earn” the love or attention of an isolating alcoholic. Let that idea go – stop trying to manipulate the alcoholic and force solutions to the problem.

I used to think that my detaching and not wanting to enable the alcoholics in my life was selfish also. I used to spend so much time worrying about the alcoholic and little about myself. Finally, I learned to keep the focus on me and not on what the other person was doing. I still struggle with this at times. But it has begun to dawn on me that I am not being selfish. I'm simply learning to think about my own recovery first and foremost.

What I have literally done is divest myself of those things that cause me a lot of stress. I attend meetings, I do activities and hobbies that I enjoy and if I don't want to do something, then I don't. For many years, I just went along with things, going to parties when I was bored or anxious, or trying to fill my time with work or other duties. I don't do that anymore.

There can be repercussions from this. Once I started to have a life of my own, I began to enjoy time spent by myself. My wife, who is an alcoholic, was at first not used to my not being around all the time. She and I both struggled to keep a way to detach and maintain boundaries without isolating.

During her drinking years, I felt invisible and in need of attention. I no longer feel that I have to be "around" all the time. And my attitude has improved dramatically. I used to feel angry and found fault easily with others and myself. Now, I feel happy most of the time and have learned to not be so serious or critical of myself or others.

Since being in Al-Anon I've learned that I wasn't powerful enough to make another person drink. I knew that I was not the cause of anyone else's alcoholism. That was a great relief.

I quit beating up on myself for something that I might have done to control the alcoholism. There was nothing that I had tried that worked. After a lot of Al-Anon meetings and attending open A.A. meetings, I realized that it didn’t matter why my wife drank. The point was that every time she drank, she affected not only herself, but also me.

When it finally came clear to me that I was powerless over what my wife did, I started to get better. I was able to shift the focus onto myself –the person that I could change. And when that happened, I started to recover because I was stepping off of the emotional roller coaster of the illness of alcoholism. And that is also how I could help my wife. Feeling guilty didn’t do a thing except to make me feel bad about myself and to do and say some very outrageous things.

So I am selfish with my time and my recovery. But that selfishness has helped me to become a better person who is able to deal better with the stresses of living with an alcoholic. I don't pay as much attention to those things that I "should" be doing anymore. The trick for me is to find balance in this state of recovery. I started off on one side of the pendulum swing, doing all this stuff for others and letting my mental well-being and spontaneity slide.

My Higher Power continues to hold me accountable for my emotions and actions. I used to blame my alcoholic for all of my problems, but my growing awareness won't let me. Instead I have to take responsibility for my part.

Maybe we both are grieving the old way of life where I was always available to her at the expense of things that I wanted to do. I used to long for the time that she would realize how valuable I am and treat me accordingly. Now I've realized through the program that I'm much happier with myself and know my value as a person. And my guilt at keeping the focus on myself has diminished considerably. I'm going to continue to work towards balance as we meet on middle ground where we can both be comfortable.

It sounds as if you are accepting that there isn't anything you can do to cure your brother. It's important for those around him to stop doing things that he is able to do for himself. It's best to stop all manner of enabling behavior, and “detach with love”. An alcoholic will test boundaries and your resolve many times, but if you keep the focus on yourself and stop the enabling, your life will get better. And just maybe your brother will figure out that he needs to get some help.

Giving myself permission to not like everyone

Yesterday's meeting was a good one. The topic was about being powerless and having an understanding of what that means.

What I want to write about though is my own self-centered behavior. There is a lady who comes to this meeting only occasionally. She describes herself as a senior transplant from the northeast. She shares that she hasn't made many friends. Ordinarily, this would generate a lot of compassion, but I have to admit that she has a way of sucking the air out of the room when she shares.

Yesterday, she interrupted another member who wanted to share. She said that she needed to go first because there was something that was pressing on her mind. It was a very long share that resulted in her being cut off by the chairman. At the end of the meeting, she turned to me and asked if she could talk to me for just 5 minutes. I said sure and said that we could sit down and talk. She wanted to go outside the room because she didn't want others to hear what she had to say. I had no clue what it was about but figured that she wanted to talk more about her share.

Many in the group were planning to go to lunch to celebrate my Al-Anon birthday. My sponsor was waiting on me. I knew that the lady was long winded and to be honest, I find her off putting. I hesitated for a moment, but then said that yes I would talk with her. Several people then came over and started talking to me about lunch and giving congratulations. The lady was getting agitated at all this and was looking displeased.

Another member of the group saw the dilemma and came over saying that she would take the lady outside for a discussion. I felt this wave of relief wash over me. And immediately felt shame because I had not wanted to talk to her. I had said that I would but knew that I simply didn't want to have an intense discussion with her at that time.

The strange thing is that she came to lunch about a half an hour later with the member who had stayed to talk to her. And she seemed to have an enjoyable time. I was grateful for that.

My response to the situation bothered me and made me reflect on my behavior. I realize that we each have shortcomings. And there are going to be people with whom I simply don't mesh. There must be something that I recognize in her that triggers some discomfort in me. I don't like when this happens, but I'm glad that I recognize it. I am not sure whether this is being self-centered, or whether I can simply give myself permission to not like everybody. I am grateful that there was someone there who had a gift to give to this person that clearly I didn't have at that time.

I guess the Al-Anon closing sums it up: "After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you."

It's a selfish program

"I can see why you are disturbed to hear some A.A. speakers say, "A.A. is a selfish program." The word 'selfish' ordinarily implies that one is acquisitive, demanding, and thoughtless of the welfare of others.

Of course, the A.A. way of life does not at all imply such undesirable traits.

What do these speakers mean? Well, any theologian will tell you that the salvation of his own soul is the highest vocation that a man can have......"

From As Bill Sees It

Before my wife left for her trip, we had a discussion about being selfish. She thought that I was being selfish for leaving her alone as much as I do. I shared about this in the home group meeting last night.

My wife is retired now and is home much of the day. She goes to meetings and has friends over. She also enjoys cooking and gardening. I work during the week and go to 3 meetings a week, two of which occur in the evening. I also row one night a week which means that for at least 3 days a week I don't get home until after 9 PM. And on the weekends I am on the sailboat.

So when looking at the time that I spend away from home, I can see her point. Yet, when I'm at home, she often is busy doing the things that she likes to do but my physical presence seems to be important.

I don't think that my wife is selfish at all now. She has come such a long way since joining AA. And I think that she has a valid point. I have come to enjoy the things that I do. During her drinking years, I felt invisible and in need of attention. I no longer feel that I have to be "around" all the time. And my attitude has improved dramatically. I used to feel angry and found fault easily with others and myself. Now, I feel happy most of the time and have learned to not be so serious or critical of myself or others.

So I am selfish with my time. But that selfishness has helped me to become a better person who is able to deal better with the stresses of living with an alcoholic. I don't pay as much attention to those things that I "should" be doing anymore. The trick for me is to find balance in this state of recovery. I started off on one side of the pendulum swing, doing all this stuff for others and letting my mental well-being and spontaneity slide. And it appears I may have swung all the way over to the other side and started doing things for me.

Her remarks made me see that there is the mid-way mark, that I can still enjoy the things that I like to do but spend more quality time with her. I still seem to be afraid to give up those things that I enjoy (and that she doesn't want to do with me). So I'm not quite there yet but I'm beginning to ask her out for dinner more and take off time from work to be at home. I'm willing to do what I have to do to keep our relationship in balance.

My Higher Power continues to hold me accountable for my emotions and actions. I used to blame my alcoholic for all of my problems, but my growing awareness won't let me. Instead I have to take responsibility for my part.

Maybe we both are grieving the old way of life where I was always available to her at the expense of things that I wanted to do. I used to long for the time that she would realize how valuable I am and treat me accordingly. Now I've realized through the program that I'm much happier with myself and know my value as a person. And my guilt at keeping the focus on myself has diminished considerably. I'm going to continue to work towards balance as we meet on middle ground where we can both be comfortable.

False Pride and Ego

The young fellow that I took to the AA meetings a few times got a job yesterday. It isn't a high paying job for a college student, but it is above minimum wage and provides an unbelievable amount of self-esteem to someone who seemed to not have much. I'm grateful that he took the initiative to get a resume together, go through the paper, make phone calls, dress up, and show up for interviews. He is attending AA meetings and has gotten a sponsor.

There was an Al-Anon and an AA meeting at the same church last night. He attended the AA and I went over to the Al-Anon meeting. I wrote a bit last week about starting a "meeting after the meeting" so last night there were six people that came along, including a fellow from AA. The newcomer whom I gave a ride to also came along to the meeting after the meeting last night, albeit reluctantly. He is still so early in the program that the feelings are right at the surface and very raw. He made a comment to me as we were driving to the restaurant that he didn't feel like listening to a bunch of Al-Anons and just wanted to go home.

That felt bad to me. I see the value in both programs. It's easy to have ego and false pride do the talking without first thinking about the unifying principles of the two programs and being grateful for both of them. There are several long time AA members who have joined Al-Anon and have found it to be quite helpful with living life.

What I am trying to reason out is what the different impacts of ego are in the programs. I've thought about what the Big Book says about self-centeredness:

"Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt." from Alcoholics Anonymous.

It seems that the opposite occurs with Al-Anon in which the ego becomes so deflated that we have to find it again. My ego got flattened a while ago and I was so eager to feel better that I would have done just about anything to reconstitute some semblance of self esteem. The defects of character mentioned in the paragraph above were the same ones that brought me to my lowest point. Since then, I'm learning from using all the sources available to me that I have a lot to offer. The ego-rebuilding process is on-going. It can still be shaken by harsh words and criticism that bring back the old fears but it's a lot stronger than it was. That's a lot to be grateful for.

Recovery is selfish

I've heard it said over and over at meetings that Al-Anon and AA are selfish programs. At first, I wasn't sure that I understood what this meant. Especially since I spent so much time worrying about the alcoholic and little about myself. Finally, it has begun to dawn on me that a selfish program means that I can't let anything get in the way of my recovery. I have to think about myself first and foremost.

What I have literally done is divest myself of those things that cause me a lot of stress. I attend meetings, I do activities and hobbies that I enjoy and if I don't want to do something, then I don't. For many years, I just went along with things, going to parties when I was bored or anxious, or trying to fill my time with work or other duties. I don't do that anymore.

There are repercussions from this. First, I don't share a lot of interests with my alcoholic. My SO does AA meetings every day and sometimes twice a day. We have different hobbies which is okay too. We have always worked together so sometimes a break to do things separately is needed. Unfortunately, over the years of living with an alcoholic I've lost a lot of the "in love" feelings that I used to have and there has been loss of respect as well. It is difficult to have warm and fuzzy thoughts about someone who is depressed, verbally abusive and grumpy.

I've also had changes in friendships since I started recovery. I used to hang out with one buddy quite a bit. I believe though since sharing my being in recovery, the friendship has changed. I no longer really have the time to spend as I once did with my friend. Probably there is resentment about this because of the time spent at meetings and with other people in the program. I understand the resentment but can't fathom the judgemental attitude. I guess that most people don't want to get too close to someone who is dealing with an unpopular subject such as alcoholism. It's much easier to keep the friendship on a superficial level rather than to delve deep into personal territory. So I've chosen to just keep on the path that I'm on. I keep some distance from people not in the program and find that sharing with them and being totally honest about my situatioin isn't a good idea. This is largely because unless you've lived with an alcoholic or been one, you can't understand what is involved in recovery or the pain that alcoholism brings. So I guess the program is a selfish one but it's the reality of successful recovery.