These days

I am okay. Still here and doing relatively well. Between gardening, riding, sailing and going to meetings, I stay busy.  Life has a familiar groove to it.

Getting through the worst heat of the summer has been difficult. The humidity is stifling.  I have been going to the barn to ride in the evening when the sea breeze comes up and no one else is around.  I prefer the quiet times there and going to the ring or to the fields when the sun is setting.

The garden is in the waning phase so I'm getting ready to plant some fall crops. It produced well, but the heat eventually beats down everything, except for egg plant and okra.  We put up over 75 quarts of tomato sauce for winter.  It was a two day long ordeal but we managed to get through it, although both of us did not want to see another tomato.

Sailing is still the most fantastic getaway for me.  I go out for several days a month, dropping the anchor and staying overnight.  It is relaxing in a way that's hard to describe. I sleep better on the boat with the gentle rocking.  Even though it's hot on land, the island near the ocean where I anchor has a great breeze. I sleep comfortably with the ports and hatches open.

I celebrated ten years in Al-Anon on August 13.  It is hard for me to remember all the turmoil of the years before I went and the moments that propelled me to attend my first meeting. I don't dwell on that time much.  I have a core group of two meetings I attend each week and have been adding a third on as often as I can.  We all remain imperfect, struggling to get along with others and especially with the alcoholic.

One of the greatest things that I have learned is to have compassion and empathy for all who are struggling with the disease of alcoholism, whether it is the alcoholic or the person affected by someone else's drinking. And the same for those who are struggling with life and the circumstances of it.  I don't judge others for their choices or struggles. And I have learned to not take what others do or say personally.  My hurt feelings about something unkind said to me have diminished from days to an hour.  I hope to get that to a millisecond, as the feeling flows through me.  Resentments are killers of happiness. No need to hold onto someone else's bad feelings.

I don't feel much of an urge to write anymore.  But I am going to keep the blog going, perhaps only visiting once in a while.  All that I have written about here with such urgency in the past seems much less so now.

C. and I have a remarkable love for each other.  She picked up her ten year chip a week before I did.  We have grown in peace of mind, love, respect and compassion for each other.  And we are growing old together.  Every day is one to hold onto.

Hello Syd

Here is an email I received from a lady who is married to a recovering alcoholic. She gave me permission to share this:

I've recently found your blog while searching for any answer, message, etc to get me to a somewhat peaceful space. I'm grateful to read your good words....I suddenly felt a glimpse of hope & comfort I haven't felt in a very long time.

I've been married to an alcoholic over 20 years. He quit drinking soon after we were married. He works what seems to be a good program, has worked the steps and now has a few sponsees he takes through the steps. We have great kids, have had good success in business (as well as major setbacks), live in a nice suburb and are very involved in our community. The outside is a pretty peachy picture...one that I've always wanted. So why am I so unhappy?

I was instantly drawn to my husband when we met. He was handsome, charming, successful, strong, witty & confident. He was also very social & liked to drink. When we first started dating it seemed ok, even fun, since I also enjoyed one or two on a night out. As we spent more time together I began to notice his drinking was more like a first year frat boy. I confided this to my best friend "He's great! My only concern is that he drinks more than I'm used to" her response, "I don't think you have anything to worry about. He's mainly a social drinker, which is normal. He never gets out of hand". Ok, so it's normal. Nothing to worry about. I can accept that. After all, everything else about him seemed so amazing!

 A few minor things would come up that made me feel uncomfortable. He was very controlling, almost paranoid, about wanting to keep our relationship secret. He yelled at me once for parking my car in front of his house and made me move it to the back - out of site. I didn't like that, so I left. He called and apologized so I saw him the next day. Another time his dog got out the front door. I dashed out to try & get the dog and was yelled at to get back in the house and shut the door. He was angry. "What if someone sees you?!!" Ok, so what if someone sees me? We worked together, so his reason is that he felt he would be fired if management knew we were seeing each other since he was my supervisor (they had no such policy). The underlying message: If he were fired, it would be all my fault. That's the first time "I" took on the responsibility of "his" wellbeing. I took it willingly.....I was in love with this man.

As our relationship progressed I became increasingly unhappy. I started looking for a magic answer to fix things. Not only "what could I do to make/keep him happy" but "what could I do to prevent his anger". Each life change during our relationship gave me hope. Moving out of state, getting engaged, moving back, getting married.....none of these seemed to "do it". I mercilessly blamed myself. If only I were stronger, more patient, more educated, outgoing, etc. etc. Only once a thought crossed my mind that alcohol might be the problem. This was dismissed by well meaning friends. After many nights lying in alone bed while he was passed out on the couch, I was paralyzed with the thought of having to walk away. We were newlyweds. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

One time he had to travel out of town for business. He planned to stay with nearby family members, who happen to be sober and in AA. He opened a bottle of wine the night before his flight and joked, "Guess I'll be dry for a week. They gave me one condition. No drinking during my stay". Three days into the trip, I get a phone call. His family & friends invited him to their home group meeting. He made a choice to get sober. Wow! I listened to his words. I think that was the first sincere conversation we've had. He was scared. I was happy and also scared (or scared to be happy?)

I immediately set out to learn as much as I could about alcoholism, AA, & the steps. If he was starting this journey I wanted to be right there with him to help - as his loving, supportive, nurturing wife. I started having hope again.

Once home, he tried a few meetings & I even went with him to some open meetings. He listened to the speakers. He quickly learned the lingo & slogans. A friend gave him a Big Book. His brother (who had always been cold & distant to us) was so proud and welcomed him back into his life. Being accepted by his brother was huge. He set out to be the perfect student of the program. Hope soon turned to confusion. Things weren't magical like I wished. Anger, frustration, & depression was magnified. I was advised to be patient (haha, patience is my middle name!) I can do that.

Fast forward to today. I'm coming up on a milestone birthday. Our children will be on their own soon. I've had joy in these years. But the pain, suffering and confusion hasn't gotten any better since the beginning. I don't know who I am or what I like anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way. My husband has managed to stay sober all these years by being involved in AA, but I feel only his sponsees and program friends get to see the best of him. Maybe because as long as I take his blame, he will continue to give it to me. When I want to talk about these feelings he says I'm blaming him for my problems. Then he presents his list: He's stayed sober, works his program, completed anger management, gone to counseling, works hard & is successful at his job. He's done all of these things so I shouldn't complain. My head spins. I beat myself up for my messed up feelings. I feel he is right. They're my issues and I need to figure it out on my own. I cry alone often. I daydream of what life would be like on my own, then cry again for the loss of my marriage, damage to my kids, and the picture that I have of us happily growing old together. Now we walk around the same house and don't talk about feelings. I'm full of sadness & resentments.

Too many years of this. I think I'm finally tired. I don't know what my future will look like. For the first time I realize there is nothing I can do about him (or anyone else). I need to take care of me. I called a trusted friend who is working the steps in Al Anon and he suggested a women's meeting I might start with. I'm going tonight. I'm scared but sensing a glimpse of peace.

Didn't set out to be so long winded...this is the first time I've shared this in detail. Reading your blog has given me clarity. Thanks for listening.
__________________________________________

I understand your story.  I've lived it also.  And you have hit upon the thing that will help--focusing on what brings you joy and taking care of yourself.  Living with an alcoholic, no matter what stage of recovery, can be a challenge. That's why I know that Al-Anon is a life long program for me. I simply need it and can tell when I have been away from a meeting for too long.


I hope that you will continue to work on your recovery from the effects of alcoholism.  It can be lonely living with an alcoholic.  I realize that most of my life, I focused on the alcoholics and not on myself. Now I am no longer doing that.  It takes a while for the message to get through to those we love that they are no longer going to be the center of the universe.  In my marriage, this has helped us to become closer because I am not having the constant expectations that bred resentment.  We talk and share things but can be content with just quietly being together.  I am not looking for her to provide me happiness. That is too much to expect from anyone.

Best wishes to you on going to a meeting and working on your own life.

Outing myself on resentment

I don't know how I used to write every day.  These days it seems as if every day is repetitious.  We are sometimes busy with the garden, the boat, meetings, and going to town for odds and ends.  Sometimes we have lazy days where we read and take naps.  The only difference today is that I am going to write about a resentment.

We haven't yet begun to do the hard things with selling my parents-in-law's house.  My wife has found a real estate agent who will be listing it.  We are in a holding pattern until the caregivers move out.  C. gave them up to three months, March-May, to find a place.  They are still there but are packing up.

I am going to out myself on this.  I have been pissed because I believe that they are taking advantage of her offer.  The only thing that they have been paying are the utilities. They know that we have to come in, paint, shampoo the carpets, and get the house staged to sell.  Staging includes packing up all the unnecessary items and knickknacks that her parents had.

So the other day, C. was told that they would be out by May 31.  Okay, I get that  up to three months includes the very last day of May. But what about consideration for my wife and what we have to do to put the house on the market?  And to top this off,  the caregivers haven't found a place to rent but are moving in with the next door neighbor and her husband.

I know that this is none of my business. It's up to my wife to settle the estate, get the house ready and list it with the real estate agent.  I haven't been over to the house on purpose because I am not pleased with the fact that the caregivers are still there.  Yes, they were great to Mom.  They were also paid handsomely and had a place to live.  Now they are still living there while we are in a holding pattern.

It takes a great deal of reminding myself what I have learned in recovery to keep my mouth shut.  I am telling myself it is just a few more days and then we will be able to get to work on what we have to do with the house.  My wife leaves for a week in Nantucket on June 14 so I don't know whether we will be able to accomplish what we want to before she leaves.

Once again, I realize that I don't have to concern myself with this.  But there is this little voice that likes to pipe up in my head telling me that people are self-centered and think only of what is most convenient for them.  One of the caregivers owns a home on the island that she has rented out, so she is getting income and living now rent free.  Okay--enough of this--I don't need to think about the what if's, the why not's or the yes, but's now.

On other news, we are planning a picnic out here in early June for some recovery friends.  We seldom entertain anymore, so this will be a chance to spend a few hours with people and have burgers and BBQ.

I am off to the boat for part of the weekend.  Hard to believe that another Memorial Day has come around.  Hope that you are going to have a long weekend.

Keeping expectations low during the holidays

At the meeting the other night, we talked about expectations that come as part of the holidays and the tools we can use to not set ourselves up for sadness and resentments.  We are going to do some decorating of the house but decided that this year we would keep it simple.  

No one is coming here for Christmas.  And,  just as for Thanksgiving, it will be our day to visit my in-laws.  We also decided to "adopt" an orphan for Christmas and fulfill the Christmas list of a 16 year old girl in one of the local orphanages. Both my wife and I have enough of everything so we aren't going to give anything to each other except small stocking stuffers.


It's easy to get lost in romanticizing the holidays. Just seeing all the activities in the newspaper and on TV makes everything seem enticing. It's easy to have all the visuals distort my thinking into having unrealistic expectations. I think that it's only natural to reminisce about what Christmas used to be like.  I have mostly good memories but for some of us, the memories are not so good. I do my best to stay in this day and not linger too long on the way things used to be.

The expectations of what Christmas should be, how it should feel, what you're going to give or get distorts everything and takes the pleasure out of it for me.  I like Christmas and appreciate the true spirit of it.  I don't like the commercial side at all. I do my best to be grateful for what I have and focus on those things that I truly need: love, food to eat, a house to live in.... and good books to read.

And the other part of the holiday is the number of opportunities to overdo on food and drink. We don't go to many parties anymore.   But when we do,  it's good to have have some cues to leave at a reasonable time. I call it my escape plan.  My wife doesn't want to go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol. Being around drinkers brings up feelings of unease for her.  I don't mind going without her, but I leave before the heavy partying starts.

We will be enjoying the new kitchen and doing some cooking.  Making cookies, cakes and pepper jelly as gifts for friends is what we are doing to enjoy the holidays.  

So I am keeping expectations low and going to enjoy all that we do have.  A good friend once told me to "lower expectations until you get what you want."  The lower my expectations are, the lower my disappointment level is going to be.  By having some kind of limit on what I'm doing,  I can face the holiday season without falling for the hype.

Outside issues

Sitting at a green light waiting to make a left turn with oncoming cars. A horn honks behind me telling me to go. I am in no hurry to obey their request for a head on collision so I sit, waiting for the right time to move. They honk more, gesticulating to let me know they think I am an idiot. I grip the wheel, going my best to block out the horn and an image of myself opening the door to go quickly to their car, knock on the window and ask "WTF do you think you are doing?" Instead, the green left turn arrow comes on. Saved by the arrow and my own realization that wanting to have a confrontation over this silly drama is crazy.

In a meeting, I listen to an elder "statesman" tell a young man that he doesn't belong because he needs psychiatric help. The man sits with a pleading look, like a kid who has been publicly called out by a teacher in class. I wince at his distress and wonder why someone would want to dispense medical advice at a meeting.

I come in contact with people who are rude about their opinions. They stress to me that the problems with the country are due to one man who took office 3 years ago. They talk to me as if I would agree. I share my opinion and am immediately told how wrong I am. I feel as if I have been shut out.

I meet with a young man to work the steps. He tells me that we need to meet every other week because he is too busy. He has too much pressing stuff to get together. I listen and realize that it is not up to me to enforce the schedule.

All of these are real life situations that could easily get me going down a path of anger and resentment. I know that being confrontational is not a solution. And resentments simply seethe under the surface of my psyche until they build up to reach explosive proportions.

In meetings, there are outside issues that aren't addressed by Al- Anon. Religion, mental health problems, politics are examples of topics that Al-Anon has no opinion about (Tradition Ten).  Someone will generally get the topic back on track by stating that outside issues aren't addressed.  What is difficult for me to do is to embrace that ideal in my real life.

I have opinions on many things. Some of these opinions are strong. What I find is that I can express my opinion without being opinionated. I don't need to get my way or have everyone agree with my point. If I let others have their opinions without trying to change them, then I am not expending emotional energy that will deplete and defeat me.

I like the idea of participating in conversation. Having a dialogue is much better than trying to have my way or carry my point. I am working on this.  When I embrace the philosophy of "live and let live", I am a much happier person.  I can get along with others by accepting that they have a right to express their thoughts.  Restraint of tongue and pen is a good thing.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. ~ George Carlin

Live and let live is a pretty good philosophy. If the guy in the next lane isn't buckled up, why not leave him alone? ~ Anonymous

Divergent paths

This has been a long, tiring day.  I spent most of the day doing some volunteer work for a non-profit organization to which I belong.  This morning one of the members became so angry that she hung up on me when I asked her for some information.  I believe she must have been having a bad day.

I joined this group because it offered some good courses for sailing and boating.  After the phone call this morning,  I realized once again that I am lucky to have a program of recovery.  I am choosing to complete my assigned task for the group and the course that I am taking.  I am not blaming the organization or the person. I find that for some reason though, getting involved with clubs and civic groups seems to be fertile ground for resentments and power struggles.  I am not vested in either.

I met with a couple of fellows I sponsor this morning.  One is struggling to communicate with a wife who is depressed and not wanting to talk.  Communication is difficult when a person doesn't want to hear what another has to say.  It's as if we are talking in different languages.  One person pulls away, and the other advances in an attempt to force intimacy.  These two people may be on a divergent path at the moment.  Hopefully, there is enough love to be able to connect once again in a meaningful way.

I am going to inventory this day and then hope for a better one tomorrow.  At least getting some sleep seems to put an entirely new perspective on most everything.  I suspect that it is time to put away the computer and enjoy the chilly night ahead.

I will meet you there

I talked with a fellow I sponsor about the difficulty of having relationships with those who no longer seem to be on the same wave length.  People change as a result of their life experiences.  And old relationships that once seemed so steady and fulfilling can become stale.  It is easy then to fall into a trap of resentment.

I think that it's a misconception that having a relationship with another human being means happiness and concordance all the time.  Nurturing a relationship certainly takes selflessness, patience and tolerance, even when I may not feel those things.

I don't want to live in solitude or isolate from others.  Yet, I find that I am often disappointed by people.  That is the risk in human relationships.  Maybe it is a sign of growth in myself that I can see the differences, but equally important for me is to understand more about myself and how I relate to others.  I would like to focus on our similarities, rather than go on a fault finding mission.

I know that I am tolerant of differences in people.  How they look, what they wear, their financial status,  where they live are not important to me.  I have a need to connect with people at a deeper level than what the exterior shows.  When I think about all the people who are in my life today,  I wonder sometimes how well I really know them.  But I do believe that we learn from each other, although we may travel on separate paths.

One of my character defects is having expectations that far exceed the abilities of most humans.  I fall short of my own expectations, so there is no need to wish others to be perfect.  Lessons in patience and tolerance are everywhere in my life today: Listening to elderly people tell me the same thing over and over; frustration with friends who are no longer attending meetings; wishing that others made different choices.  But I don't think the people in my life are here out of simple randomness.  There was something within me that was drawn to others.  I am sure that the attraction I felt for my wife was not coincidence.  The close friends I have are those that I connected with at some deeper level.  The lock and key of relationships fit for a reason.

Although I may be tolerant around those I know superficially, I found by doing my inventory that I had little tolerance for those with whom I loved the most.  My tolerance around the alcoholics in my life was low.  I found fault with so much.  Once I owned up to my part in things,  I was able to see that we learn from and teach each other.

Some of the people who may be the most difficult can be great teachers.  That is something that I struggle with.  There is a fine line between accepting unacceptable behavior and having limits to tolerance.  I do my best not to discount my intuition and reserve the right to be wary before trusting everyone. If a red flag goes up, I had best not ignore it.  Yet, I do believe that it is possible to overcome differences and for us to meet somewhere on level ground.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” ~ Rumi

Feelings sometimes feel like facts

I hear the statement that feelings aren't facts at meetings frequently.  But as was shared in the meeting last night: “Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that I’m having my feelings”.  And that surely is okay because for so long emotions are often repressed around alcoholics.  They are repressed until they boil over in anger and resentment.  So feelings are a good thing.

But where does the phrase "Feelings aren't facts" come in?  To me this means that some of my thoughts are really fabricated projections and aren't based on reality.  It is easy for me to relapse into the old way of thinking that involves blame, judgment, obsession, and even dislike. My thoughts can either be ones that are distorted, based on unfounded assumptions and negative projections or they can be ones that bring me pleasure, comfort, peace, and acceptance.

The feelings that I have had which were counter-productive to recovery were those in which I blame myself for what I perceive as a slight by another: "If only I had said something different, the person would like me."  And usually if I stay in that frame of mind long enough, I get around to twisting those thoughts of blaming into having angry thoughts about others:  "I don't deserve to be treated this way.  This person is a royal pain."

I have to smile at these little internal rants that so quickly can take over if I am not careful.  And these can occur whether I actually know the person or not.  It may be a perceived snub from someone on line.  Or it may be someone I know who was busy and didn't say Hello.   These thoughts happen instantaneously based on the old fears of abandonment, rejection, and criticism that happened in the past, mostly in my family of origin.  It is the child within raging against all kinds of perceived slights.

So when these unhealthy and negative thoughts come up,  I take time to sit with them and look at them from an adult perspective.  Are these thoughts really true or are they some dregs from the past that can poison my present?

What I have learned in Al-Anon is to speak my true thoughts to myself.  I see if they are real, based on the facts in front of me.  If they are just something that I have invented based on the old painful stuff from the past,  then I need to look hard at whether I want to believe that these emotions fit the current situation.

I don't want to live in emotional drama in which my thoughts are based on hating others or myself.  I believe that I have a choice about what thoughts to accept as true and which ones are fueled by my past experiences that go all the way back to childhood.  I am glad to realize that not every thought that comes into my head today is valid.  Not everyone is out to get me or be a jerk.  In fact, I think the opposite of that by thinking that most people are truly good and well-intentioned.  If I take the time to think clearly without reacting,  I get along with my fellows better, am more mature in my outlook, and see other points of view that I might not have even considered.

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler. ~F. Nietzsche

Blame shifting

Here is another email question that I received:
My alcoholic boyfriend likes to blame everything on me......everything and anything he can think of, and it really brings me down, very down...and eventually leads to further resentment of him...
I have a full bubbling boiling pot or resentment deep in me that poisons me and makes me angry, that leads to me being sad again because I hate being angry and resentful and bitter, which leads to negative thought after negative thought......it's a muck of anger and pain and hopelessness that is cyclic and doesn't go away. I am tied of being blamed.  I am tired of being angry.  Any suggestions?

Blame shifting is one of the most frustrating things about alcoholism.  It is done not only by the alcoholic but also by the person who has a relationship with the alcoholic.  Blaming is really about trying to get away from uncomfortable feelings.  If I blame someone else, then I don't have to look at what I am doing or admit that I am wrong.

In the situation you describe,  your boyfriend can keep deflecting blame back onto you, coming up with excuses why it is YOU or the rest of the world who has the problem, not him.  Blame shifting allows him to stay in his disease, tucked safely in his denial, so he doesn't need to ever work on himself.  One of the biggest hurdles in recovery is humility.  Those who work the twelve steps and are humbled will stop with the arrogant antics of blaming others around them.  

I am able to see the blame shift now for what it is.  Before when I was unaware of my feelings, I didn't know what was happening.  I would be blamed or I would start blaming.  It was an automatic response.  I didn't even know it was happening until it was too late. 

Whether a person is alcoholic or not,  I don't think anyone likes to feel cornered or blamed.  The solution is to change my reaction when something bothers me and the blaming is right at the tip of my tongue.  I do my best not to react immediately if something bothers me.  I count to ten,  take a few breaths, walk away for a few minutes.  In short, I let it sit and figure out how I want to approach it.  I used to shoot right from the lip which generally caused a huge escalating argument.  But sitting with the feeling and pausing before reacting is not easy.  I am better at it some days than others, depending on where I am spiritually and emotionally. 

When I have sat with the feeling and something is still bothering me,  I will say how I felt when the event or situation occurred.  I don't say, "You made me feel like crap when......." but will speak about my feelings: "I felt angry when you yelled at me for ..........".  If he shifts the blame to you in the hot potato toss, which is a favorite game that alcoholics and Al-Anons play,  I would walk away and say, "It's how I feel." No further need for discussion. Once you stand by your feeling and take away the argument, there is nothing more to say. 

Another thing that I have learned is that most of the blaming does not need to be taken personally.  I know that is really hard but blaming shifted to me isn't really about me.  What your boyfriend is doing is HIS to own.  It is his disease talking.  If I realize that I can separate the alcoholics in my life from their disease, then I am not as quick to react.  What I need to do is work on my own shortcomings and get better at detaching from the disease of alcoholism when it is in my face.  Good luck. 

Unrealistic expectations

Some times I go to an Al-Anon meeting and I don't hear what I think I need to hear.   That happened to me last week.  I went to a meeting where one of the members was being critical and controlling.  It bothered me.  In fact,  I held onto the resentment for the better part of four days.  It was there over the weekend, turning over in my mind to diminish the otherwise happy holiday. 

And then last night,  I walked into a meeting in which I heard what I needed.  I didn't want to go to the meeting last night.  I was tired from the weekend.  I lay down on the bed and thought about taking a nap, yet I had the nagging feeling that I needed to get to the meeting.  So I threw on some pants and a shirt and went.

When I was walking to the door,  a lady that I know came up to me and said that she needed to hug me.  She started crying and said that her favorite brother had been taken off life support and was likely already dead.  Her tears and words made me realize that nothing is coincidental.  Sometimes I come to meetings with unrealistic expectations.  But if I come with my various needs and problems,  I can be assured that there will be someone there who will share words that will help me to get back on the right path, if I choose to listen.

My ego can block my ears and my heart.  I will instead spend time on judging and being critical, rather than focusing on compassion and acceptance.  Just because someone may not be doing things the way that I think they should be done, does not mean that I have to take their inventory and build a resentment.  It is easy to be critical and harsh.  That is what alcoholism has done to me.  It makes me want to isolate, blame others, and feed me lies about how I know more than others.

I know enough to realize that when I get in a critical and judgmental mindset then I have no spirituality going on.  I have nearly walked out of several meetings and actually did walk out of one.  I was mad at Al-Anon and mad at the stupid people in the meeting.  Thankfully, last night  I was able to get back on track with a good meeting on Step Seven.  I decided to close my eyes and "feel" the energy of the room.  I can tell you, I was a very different person than the one who showed up at that meeting.  I got what I needed and walked out with a lot of gratitude.

It is good for me to have a lesson in humility.  I have to let go of what I think things should look like and how I think things should go.  All I have to do is show up,  have willingness,  and an open mind.  I realize that the right people have been put in my path to help me to accept the hugs and have the experience of loving kindness.

Unacceptable behavior

Another hot day, unbearably so actually, until near sunset when the sea breeze came up and the sun began to fade and gave off a firey light.  We fled to the boat for the evening and grilled some steaks and chicken, with a salad and some garlic bread.  It has been a long day for both of us.

There was a good meeting that I attended with the topic being dealing with unacceptable behavior.  I could write a book on that one topic. It brings up a lot of feelings from the past. I put up with the unacceptable behavior of others and dished out my own unacceptable behavior in retaliation. I found it hard to change my attitudes and harder to draw a line in the sand that would be my boundaries.

I was on a merry-go-round. I kept going round and round with the alcoholic, and I kept getting what it was that I didn't want because I wasn't working at getting what I wanted. I wanted her to give me all the emotional stuff that I hadn't gotten at home and she couldn't. She was too sick, and I was also sick.
I was expecting normal things from within an alcoholic relationship that was abnormal. There was no way that I could get health from sickness, or get my Higher Power to answer my selfish prayers to work a miracle on another. I was having problems with my own addiction to the alcoholic. Her drinking perpetuated her illness and my compulsion to make her stop or behave differently perpetuated mine.

The reality of it all was and still is, "If nothing changes....nothing changes." I found that I don't need permission to move my life in a direction of peace of mind and serenity. I don't need permission from the alcoholic or anyone else to change toward the better. I was in denial, or I minimized my pain by saying, "The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know." Yet ultimately I owed it to myself to have dignity and a sense of self-worth. But that won't happen if I had continued a posture of "submission to a degrading situation."

I like having a boat analogy (surprise!). I found that I was missing out on a lot of life by waiting around for others to change. I was waiting for their boat to sail back into port. And in reality I didn't know if they were even on a boat. So I began to change my own behavior and quit waiting around for others to join me. Luckily my wife decided that she wanted to make her own changes.
It's up to me to get rid of my unacceptable behavior. The alcoholic may or may not do so. She may miss the boat entirely. If you're living with the disease, you can make changes anytime you like. Now might be a good time.
"I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me. " from Courage to Change.

"When will I realize that I need not permit the alcoholic's behavior to confuse my life and destroy my peace of mind? When will I learn that there is no compulsion, in law or ethics, that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty and despair? Have I perhaps accepted it because I have a subconscious desire for martyrdom? Do I secretly relish feeling sorry for myself and want sympathy from others?" from One Day at a Time

Communication

I had a really good weekend and even decided to stay on the boat last night as well.  It was very relaxing.  We laughed, talked about a lot of things, and slept soundly both on the boat and at home. I really like these weekend getaways that we have.  It really provides some much needed time for intimacy and communication.

It was meant to be that tonight's meeting topic was on communication.  Communication can really deteriorate in relationships with an alcoholic.  I can remember when I thought that she was funny and sexy during the drinking days of our courtship.  But eventually, the blush on that rose wore off, and I saw that her drunken conversations were a source of embarrassment for me, especially at social gatherings. There was a lot of sarcasm and thinly disguised anger from me.

Over the last few years in Al-Anon, I have come to understand how destructive our old way of communicating was:  I used to badger and manipulate to get my point across and get my way.  I tried arguing which was a failure especially when the alcoholic is drunk.  I think that I wanted to pick a fight.  Not a single thing was accomplished by my getting angry, hostile or being a martyr. 

Now, I realize that she is an individual in her own right with her own ideas.  I don't need to tell her what to do or how to run her life.  She has a program and her own Higher Power.  I cannot be either to her.  So I treat her and most people I encounter with the courtesy they deserve.  Reading about how we communicate from the Al-Anon book, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, has helped me to understand a lot better just how destructive alcoholism is with communicating.

I can speak my truth without condemning the other person.  By tiptoeing around a situation and keeping silent, I am making it seem that I agree.  I have learned that it is important for me to talk about what I want and what my needs are.  I have a right to an opinion today and can express myself without fearing some kind of reprisal.  We may not agree but I am not afraid to speak up.  If we disagree, then that is okay because I have learned to be courteous and not take things personally.

Strange and very typical that I had no trouble speaking up when she had been drinking. I had lots to say then.  And the next morning, I could play the hostile martyr role well.  Thankfully, I know not to harbor resentments or dump my feelings on another.  This is especially hard for the alcoholic because my feelings can often overwhelm her.  No one can handle my emotions and feelings.  That was an unrealistic expectation that I had of my partner being able to take care of my emotions.

Our life today is much less closed than before recovery.  We are patient with each other,  we tell each other how much we love each other every day,  I know that she is the same person that I fell in love with years ago.  We both are evolving to explore new ways to communicate. And as I find out more definitively who I am,  I am also finding that love and closeness we had at the start.  I do not have to allow this disease to take that from me.  I can choose to control how I think and act and talk, I can choose to be the loving person I was.  And I find in doing so, I am getting better and we are getting better together.
  

"You know that no improvement can be accomplished unless we're consistent. If we haven't the courage to speak up when the drinker is in a sober phase, he'll just go on believing that there's no limit to what we can tolerate. But we have to know what we think before we can say it convincingly. We can't just bury it and hide our heads under a blanket of hope. Our husbands have a right to know what we expect from them. It's up to them to decide whether or not they want to live up to our expectations. Not letting them know how we feel is dishonest. It's just another way of pretending we accept the situation when we don't. It's a cop-out. If we want the alcoholic to face reality, we must face it first, and not be afraid to share our feelings. "
from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

Step Four obstacles

Step Four seems to be a big stumbling block to a lot of those I sponsor.  Inevitably, it seems that this step begins to slow down the previous enthusiasm of many.  Many seem to come to a grinding halt at the prospect of honest self-evaluation.

The Al-Anon way of working this step keeps the focus on me.  I am not taking an inventory of another person or writing about what is wrong with them. Instead I'm writing down information about my character traits and behaviors in order to determine  how these have become ingrained in my life and which ones I need to be rid of.

Because I had a very wise and kind sponsor, I felt comfortable taking a good look at myself with total honesty, yet without self recrimination.  I trusted that Step Four was nothing to fear but would reveal those things that I needed to work on, as well as a lot of positive aspects about me.

The Al-Anon book used in Step Four, called Blueprint for Progress, seems to strike fear into some. Maybe it's the length of the book (62 pages) or maybe it's the content. Each topic such as fear, resentment, anger, honesty, etc. has a series of questions associated with it.  Here's an example of the ones on resentment which was a big one for me to write about:

1.Are there any people or organizations from childhood that I stilll feel angry with today?

2.With the people I resent the most, what part did I play in the original events that happened?

3.How did I feel about the way my family dealt with angry situations?

4. Who are the people in my life that I resent the most?

5. What bothered me about the people I resent most?

6. How do I treat those that I resent?

Questions like these bring up a lot of things that most of us would rather not examine. My findings on resentment were that I had expectations of others that were unrealistic. I expected them to be mind readers and do things as I had planned.  But I know that others have a will of their own, and I can’t impose my will on them without disastrous consequences.  I learned from writing my inventory  to have respect for others and realize that they have their own lives to live.

I didn't find the work on Step Four to be difficult.  It did take a while to get through the Blueprint book.  But I would work on a couple of topics each week until I completed that portion of the Fourth Step.  And once that is completed, then I did the AA fourth step inventory as laid out in the Big Book.  That is what I also ask sponsees to do.

Some sponsees move right along with this step and welcome the opportunity to honestly look at themselves.  Others are afraid of bringing up the past.  Some sponsees see the work on this step as being like an assignment, one that has too much structure and semblance to class assignments.  I simply did what my sponsor asked, trusting him to guide me on the way. 

The inventory is supposed to be both searching and fearless. I'm not being asked in this step to judge or to change anything, just to notice and record what is. Answering the questions as honestly as I could does bring up some very painful things but also a lot of good things as well. 

I explain to sponsees that this step is about identifying what each of us needs to work on to become a contented person who is happy within our own skin.  There are inevitably things that occurred during the course of our lives that weren't our fault.  I don't believe that those children who are molested by an adult had a part in that horror.  But perhaps we did have a part in continuing to beat ourselves up over what happened to us during childhood.  And maybe the resentment needs to see the light of day and be released. 

I certainly have more than an inkling of defects that I have.  I don't mind being totally honest about these things. And by realizing what my part is, I am more aware, more humble, and ultimately more compassionate towards myself and others.

"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory ur faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight." from Alcoholics Anonymous

"Until we know exactly where we are, we cannot know where we are headed." from How Al-Anon Works

Pouring outside and in

It is raining here today.  We certainly need the rain as it has been dry for several weeks.  I like these rainy days when the sky is overcast.  When I was working, I would wish that I were home reading a book.  Now that I am retired,  I am home and reading blogs and books.

I can't seem to catch up on the blogs or on the books.  I guess that I will have to get used to the idea that I will get what I can done.  There aren't any deadlines for me now---well, except for the self-imposed ones that I seem to make for myself.   I still feel a bit uneasy about having so much free time to do what I want.

I have gone back into my work place at least for several hours a week since I left.  I see a few people.  But mostly I slip into the building, unlock my old office, and go in to finish a few things that were left undone.  I have finally packed up all my things and moved them out.  There were just a few remaining files to go through.

I am glad to see the people there when someone says hello. But I don't feel as if I belong anymore.  It isn't a particularly good feeling because it reminds me of how I used to do my best to avoid people.  These are old issues with me.  And I will continue to address the feeling of not being wanted or appreciated.  As I have written here many times before, the fear of abandonment is something that I work on every day.

Another one of my character defects that has raised its head recently has been one involving lack of trust with some members in the program.  I go through these ebbs and flows when I feel really great about the people that I am around in meetings, only to be countered by a feeling of irritation and, yes, resentment towards them.

My most recent malcontent feelings were when a fellow chaired one of the Al-Anon meetings with the topic being Step One.  He "rewrote" the first step saying that "we admitted we were powerless over our addicts".  I realize that there are many people who come to Al-Anon because of drug addiction in a friend or relative.  But I like to keep in mind that our primary purpose is to help families and friends of alcoholics.  I do believe in our primary purpose and that trying to change it to focus on addicts isn't what I can relate to.  The more he talked about the addicts in our lives,  equating alcoholism with addiction, the less I could concentrate on the topic.  I sometimes feel as if the fellowship is being diverted from that which I can relate to.  But that is something that I need to reconcile within myself.

So once again there is a lot for me to work on in my recovery.  Acceptance and compassion are two things that I have to be mindful of each day.  This is a gentle program and not one where there are rules and regulations.

A much beloved friend in program shared with me that missing three meetings could result in dismissal from a group.  I don't know where this is written, and I am glad that I have not been told that I need not show up again if I miss three meetings.  That is what makes this fellowship so great.  There are no rules and regulations per se.  One can be gone for years and then show back up to be welcomed.  Something for me to keep in mind as I negotiate the twists and turns in my daily life as well!  And I already feel better for having written this.  The program itself is strong and for that I am grateful.

An extraordinary day

Today was closing day on Sojourner.  It seemed sort of anticlimactic but nonetheless wonderful.  I simply went to the offices of the yacht broker, handed over a check for the amount, and received the documentation and bill of sale.  No fuss, no fanfare--just a feeling of relief to have jumped through the hoops and finally close the deal. She is officially ours.  And I felt a rush of excitement tinged with some feelings of sadness that Compass Rose will soon be pulled from the water and stored.  As I told my wife, I hope that Sojourner will be as good to me as Compass Rose has been. 

After closing on the boat,  I went to the boat yard where she is sitting up on jacks and filled out a work order to get her bottom painted (red),  her boot top painted blue, her sheer line painted blue, and her hull waxed and buffed.  After that, she will go in the water and will be taken to the marina where we will transfer things from Compass Rose to Sojourner.  I hope that our first coastal voyage will be to the nearby Wooden Boat Festival. 

Today was also the 21st. anniversary of Hurricane Hugo's arrival to this area.  Some memories fade away, but the memory of that night and the morning after will stick with me for a life time.  Every time the wind blows hard I remember.  And every time there is discussion of a Cape Verde tropical disturbance, I feel a little knot inside wondering whether this could be another monster storm heading to remind us of how small we really are and how ephemeral all our possessions are.

I am thankful that tonight there aren't any raging winds and no feelings of anxiety.  I am just glad to have had a full day of life's goodness, topped off by a good meeting tonight on resentment.  Who hasn't had a few of those?  But I'm not feeling any resentment tonight.  I am filled with a feeling of tired peacefulness and much gratitude.

How could we be any more different?

I wrote this thinking about a particularly bad evening.  There were a lot of ugly insults hurled back and forth.  But in the end, I couldn't beat the alcoholic at her game.  I learned that alcoholism "victimizes the victims".  Yet, after a night of crazy thinking, I awoke to realize that there is a new day and a solution. 

I am slow to anger and you flail me with your angry words.


I can accept responsibility for my wrongs and you want me to be responsible for yours as well as mine.


I have let go of my resentments through an amends to you.  You throw your resentment back in my face over and over. And resent me because of something that you did.


I want there to be trust and honesty.  You keep secrets and hide so much from me.


I have wanted happiness and good times.  You say that I have made your life miserable for many years.


I have a hard time forgetting the harsh words said in anger.  You sleep peacefully and awake in the morning as if nothing has happened.


I am weary and tired of the charade.  It has taken its toll on my heart and my mental health.  I have decided that the best thing to do is to let you go your own way.  I don't want to have you pull me closer and then push me away.  I am not ready to give in to your truths that aren't really true at all.  I am not going to be a victim in order for you to feel good about yourself.

This is what I think alcoholism does.  It beats down the psyche if I let it. It has the ability to warp my reality if I come to believe the reality that you speak.  It can make me feel less than, smaller than, and sicker than any one else if I'm not careful.   I am looking for a solution and a Higher Power that is much stronger than you.  It is within me and it is something that you can't kill. 

We were failures at relationships--Part One

I went to my home group's meeting tonight and heard the story of one of the group members on her 3rd.  Al-Anon anniversary. She had a good story to tell.  And one of the things that I took away from it was how similar we were in that neither of us knew how to have a relationship with others. 

She had a good upbringing but with dysfunctional parents.  Over time, she had one failed relationship after another, mostly with alcoholics or addicts.  She had been let down by a lot of people and did her share of letting down as well.  Isn't this what we do?  We let ourselves down by accepting the behavior of the alcoholic that wasn't acceptable.  I used to believe that things would change just because I wished them to. That simply doesn't happen.  Things change when I take action for myself. 

In retrospect,  I don't think that I had much of clue about how to have a close relationship.  Instead I had a set of fantasies about how it all "should" be.  And when those unreal expectations weren't met,  I built up a lot of resentment.  In relationships with people, I either gave too much or too little. In either case, I was confused because my life and relationships weren't working.  I understood the pain of living for years with so much anger.  And I too confused hating the disease with intense feelings of dislike for the alcoholic.

I thought that I would put down some of the characteristics that I had which set me up for failing with other people in relationships and just plain living: 

1. I didn't know what a normal relationship was
2. I  judged myself and others harshly
3. I had difficulty just having fun--everything had an agenda
4. I took myself way too seriously and was overly responsible
5. I didn't like change or know how to deal with it
6. I sought approval and affirmations from others but not from myself
7. I wanted immediate gratification
8. I avoided conflict because I didn't know how to deal with it
9. I feared rejection and abandonment and would put up with a lot of stuff to avoid being rejected
10. I feared criticism and judgment of myself, but would not hesitate to criticize or judge others
11. I had a lot of misplaced loyalty

Eventually, when I had enough pain in my life, I found my way into Al-Anon.  I desperately needed balance.  I wanted to learn how to have a relationship that wasn't destructive, one that was  motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and for myself.  But I had to ask myself a lot of really tough questions in recovery: 

Am I giving because I want to or because I feel responsible to?
Am I feeling an obligation, guilt, shame or superior?
Am I afraid to say no?
Am I just wanting people to like me?
If I assist others, am I really enabling and thereby preventing others from facing their true responsibilities?
Am I giving because I want to and it feels right to me?

Tomorrow, I want to write about what my shortcomings did to perpetuate my failure at relating to others. And what I found to be a solution.

The lone coyote

I was sitting in my car at the marina the other night.  I had gone down there after my 8 PM meeting ended and the ice cream social time was over.  I sat in my car for a while and looked out at the harbor with all the lights.  There is always some cargo ship coming or going to the port.  These behemoths fascinate me.  I day dream quite a bit about where they have been and where they might be going. 

Sometimes, but not too often, two ships will pass each other.  But mostly there is a single shape outlined by lights moving silently toward its destination.  And so it happened that I was looking at the outline of a ship passing when I saw her.  She was air scenting and wary, moving cautiously towards my car.  She was in good shape, not thin or starved looking but soft and healthy.  With every tentative foot fall, she crept closer.

Finally, she stopped about 10 feet from the car.  I could see her eyes and her nose quivering.  Her fur was grey and clean.  At first, I thought that she could be a dog but quickly realized that I was looking at an animal which I have only seen on my island recently.  This lone coyote had made it to a marina resort and was standing in the glow of lights from the city.  I think that I quit breathing for a few minutes.  I knew that any motion would make her run off.  I felt a sense of wonder, tinged with sadness and dread.

I wondered whether she had pups or whether she was just a lone coyote hoping to find some scraps of food or to dig through the trash barrels at the marina.  I wondered where her mate was.  I wondered how long before she would be hunted and perhaps killed or trapped.

I have not been in a good place today.  I have been thinking about the single ship traveling on a voyage, the lone coyote in the parking lot at the marina, and my own tendency to go it alone, suffering in silence.  I found out yesterday that there will be a retirement party for a group of us who are leaving service.  I immediately felt a stab of fear and sadness.  I wondered whether I wanted to go at all.  Last night I asked C. if she would go with me to the party. She said that she didn't want to go because she didn't want to see "those" people. Funny, I knew the answer before I asked her.  There are people here who C. has a resentment toward. C. left without any kind of party because she simply didn't want to have anything done for her.  She is a lot like the lone coyote too, moving tentatively and with every intent of flight when things become too uncomfortable. 

I don't want to go to this party alone.  And I immediately began to think how others would have their family members there, and I would be alone. I could feel the self-pity rising inside, and I became that little kid who was left out.

So I asked C. again this morning, and she again said that she didn't feel comfortable going. I am turning that over to my Higher Power. But I am also taking some action. I've asked my sponsor and another good friend to go.  And perhaps I'll ask a few others to go as well, such as old colleagues who have also retired. I don't want to be the lone coyote.  I want to go and say farewell without any resentment.  I don't want to have expectations of how it will be but just be accepting of what is. 

Cunning, baffling and powerful

There are some days that I wake up and feel a lot of joy.  That's probably most of the time.  Then there are those days that I wake up and feel sorry for myself, feel frustrated, or sad. Today I am leaning towards frustration and anger.  I am frustrated and angry at alcoholism.

In Al-Anon, we say that we love the person but hate the disease.  Today I'm hating the disease.  I realize that no matter how much I would like to undo my wife's alcoholism, she will always be an alcoholic. There is nothing I can do to change that.  The leopard was born with spots and will still have those spots until death. 

I hate that alcoholism is a unique disease that tells a person they don't have a disease at all, they don't need help and that just one drink won't make their life unmanagable.  The alcoholic's mental obsession with alcohol is subtle. Even after the sobriety comes,  the manifestations of alcoholism can still be present.  Yet, from reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous I have learned that alcoholism “is an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.” And in “The Doctor’s Opinion” introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous,  Dr. Silkworth writes that: ". . . the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It does not satisfy us to be told that we cannot control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete."

I see my sweet C. as she bakes cookies, does her gardening, smiles at me as we get into bed, snuggles against me.  I see this and want her to be "normal"-- whatever the hell that is.  And my adverse reaction to the disease made me fearful, obsessed, controlling and resentful.  I was exhibiting all the effects of alcoholism without taking a single drink!

I now know that in order for me to have any serenity in my life, I have to accept that she is an alcoholic. I cannot change her "spots".  And I have to focus on taking care of what needs to be done to keep me in a good place emotionally and spiritually.  I have recovered my balance, mind, body and spirit by focusing on my own recovery in Al-Anon.  And just writing this out today has gotten me to a better place.

Friday

I came home and crashed yesterday afternoon.  Exhaustion had set in along with a bit of a cold.  I don't like to miss work, but I'm going to stay home today as well.  I'm still feeling a bit under the weather. 

My amends yesterday made me feel better.  Although the person who chaired the meeting last week wasn't there, I called her last night and left a message saying that I would like to talk with her.  I learned that she was upset because I left the meeting and thought that it was her fault.  My behavior had a domino effect of making others feel bad.  And my resentment that day did nothing for me at all.  So I'm glad that I had a chance to clear that up at the meeting yesterday. 

I am going to meet with a sponsee later today.  He is making great progress on Step Four.  In fact, two of my sponsees are tackling the rather daunting Blueprint for Progress book that is part of Al-Anon's Step Four.  I can see the changes in them, and they have said that they feel as if they are finally getting it.  It just takes a while. 

I am not going out on the boat this weekend.  I will likely go down to the boat and check on her, but Saturday is supposed to be rainy and cold.  Sunday is the day of the gigantic oyster roast that we attend each year.  There will be 10,000 bushels of oysters and thousands of people there to eat them.  We have our tickets so I'm going to rest up for the Sunday festivities. 

I hope that your Friday is going well.