A brief respite

I was away on the boat for a few days this week.  It was windy and chilly, but it felt so good to get out on the water.  I have written here many times that being on the boat restores me and lifts my spirits.  It's simply magical to have a place where the wind in the rigging is music and the gentle rocking lulls me to sleep.  

When I come back home, I can feel the sadness overtake me.  My wife has taken the death of her mother and the continued care of her father with grace, but I know how sad she is.  She has struggled with depression on and off for as long as I have known her.  Her way of keeping those demons at bay is to stay busy, go to meetings, read and tend to her garden.  I want to see her happy, but realize that is something I can't make happen for her.  So we talk and share our thoughts, love each other, and derive comfort in our closeness.  

The memorial service for Mom is tomorrow.  We have not been able to meet with the Monseigneur yet, as he has been busy with church activities.  Hopefully, we will get to meet him before the service tomorrow.  I'm a bit unnerved by not knowing him, but have had to let this go and simply trust that all will be okay.  We chose beautiful music, green buds of lilies for the altar, and a tall vase of spring flowers for the little table where photos of her will be. 

Sadly, Pop continues to decline, and isn't well enough to attend the service.  He fell twice last week and now has to be strapped in his wheelchair.  He mostly wants to stay in bed.  I was thinking about how sad it is that he is spending his last days in anger and depression, not wanting to talk to anyone or be around others.  He doesn't talk to my wife, even when she attempts to talk to him.  Yet, he can tell the nursing home staff that he wants to go to his room.  

Alcoholism truly is a disease of the body, mind and spirit.  I hate what the disease does.  I hate how it tells a person that he/she is not good enough, fills them with self-centered fear, and isolates them from those who care.  Pop hasn't much time left, but seems to want to remain angry and isolating right up to the end.  I know that there is nothing that we can do, except tell him we love him.  My wife says that she has stopped expecting anything from him.  I still have hope, but realize that after all these years, a mere thing like dying is not likely to change his demeanor or way of relating to others.  

I realize that his anger and his wanting to be alone are not caused by us.  But every time we visit, it is with a heavy heart. Our visits are short and not every day because neither of us wants to spend much time around someone who exudes so much anger.  

I am including here the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi which will be part of the memorial service and is also the Eleventh Step prayer that my sponsor and I said together.  I hope that I can live these words. 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury,pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Prayer and meditation

I have been giving quite a bit of thought to taking classes on Buddhism at the nearby Dharma Center.  The classes won't start until September so I will continue to turn this over in my mind.  I'm not sure what I am looking for but somehow there seems to be a connection between Buddhist teachings and principles of the 12 steps.  

Improving my conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation is something that I am interested in doing.  I do a lot of meditating on the boat, but find that when I am back on land and get caught up in my daily routine, I have a more difficult time.  Clearly meditation is an important part of recovery and my spiritual growth.  It puts my mind at ease, takes away a lot of my fear, and enhances my entire well being. 

I am intrigued that several bloggers have shared how well Buddhism aligns with recovery.  And I happened across the following that I thought was interesting.  These are the 12 Steps of Liberation:

1. The truth of suffering. We experienced the truth of our addictions – our lives were unmanageable suffering.
2. The truth of the origin of suffering. We admit that we craved for and grasped onto addictions as our refuge.
3. The truth of the end of suffering. We came to see that complete cessation of craving and clinging at addictions is necessary.
4. The truth of the path. We made a decision to follow the way of liberation and to take refuge in our wakefulness, our truth, and our fellowship.
5. Right view. We made a searching and fearless review of our life. We are willing to acknowledge and proclaim our truth to ourselves, another human being and the community.
6. Right thought. We are mindful that we create the causes for suffering and liberation. Our goodness is indestructible.
7. Right speech. We purify, confess and ask for forgiveness straightforwardly and without judgment. We are willing to forgive others.
8. Right action. We make a list of all persons we harm and are willing and able to actively make amends to them all, unless to do so would be harmful.
9. Right livelihood. We simplify our lives, realizing we are all interconnected. We select a vocation that supports our recovery.
10. Right effort. We realize that continuing to follow this path, no matter what, is joyful effort.
11. Right mindfulness. Through prayer, meditation and action we will follow the path of kindness, being mindful moment by moment.
12. Right concentration. Open to the spirit of awakening as a result of these steps, we will carry this message to all people suffering with addictions.  An excerpt from Darren Littlejohn’s “The Twelve Step Buddhist"
    

I am curious whether you have some experience with how your understanding and practicing of Buddhist teachings has helped with your recovery.  I am interested in learning as much as I can prior to signing up for these classes in September.  

Third Step Prayer

As part of the third step, I ask sponsees to develop a prayer. I wanted to provide this one that I found particularly profound. It is from S.G.

God, Goddess, Universe, Power, Divine Energy,
Take me home
..... to Myself, My Soul, My Heart.
Help me to allow the Power that I am to emerge.
May by beauty take me over....
Like water
Eroding away the jagged edges
that keep me locked in obsession
of some him or her that I confuse will heal my heartache
......my search for connectedness.

May I not deny my quest for union,
but instead see all I have as
the opportunity to be connected
to if I choose.
Help me to know this connection can
be not just enough but it can
exceed my expectations and leave me
with a sense of solidity within
Myself and Everything
that will make
what I am seeking undesirable.

May disappointment not rule me. May I transform
disappointment and bring what I truly seek to
the table wherever I do and am.

Help me to use creativity to experience Us in union......
for you are within me and all around me
and I am of you.
I now and will surrender in your presence and
listen to the Power of our truth;
As I trust our guidance as the wholeness we make in Unity.
Blessed Be.

Feelings

I wanted to share with you some information from an Al-Anon workshop on the three F's: Feelings, Fears, and Freedom. I'm going to spread this out over three weeks, posting the information on Saturday. I found the information helpful in getting past a lot of negative feelings, especially for those who are fairly new to the program.

1. Before Al-Anon, I soothed my deeply hurt feelings in luxurious baths of self-pity; indulged in hot anger, violent reproach, neurotic frustrations; and retreated to avoid embarrassment, shame and to escape feelings of guilt.

2.Pain is a necessary part of the program. Through suffering, if I accept it for the good it is meant to be, I can grow, can achieve an understanding that success is not just in material things, in living a pleasant happy life but in overcoming defects of character, in suppressing my selfishness and in having compassion for others. Pain is the price I pay for a deeper understanding, a richer more meaningful life.

3. Self-Pity and Resentment: I fooled myself when I didn't face up to these two character defects. To soothe my bruised ego, I stayed in situations because I was concerned about the alcoholic loved one, and because I wasn't sure where to go. I have worked on changing these two feelings with courage and detachment and the help of the program by daily practice of the principles in all our affairs.

4, Rejection and fear of rejection: These feelings make me feel anger. If she didn't love me enough to quit drinking, then I would show her that it didn't matter anymore; I would simply reject her from the important parts of our life. Then I added two more feelings to these - guilt and revenge. I came to accept through this program that that drinking is not a deliberate reflection of indifference and has nothing to do with love. I could then become free of the rejection, guilt and anger that I've felt for so long. I'm still working on this one as rejection goes back a long way for me.

5. Reassurance: A suffering Al-Anon member will respond to simple acts of kindness given with love and understanding, but remember, the new member needs constant reassurance. When the road way becomes tough, encourage them to dig deeper in the program. Each of us can learn to live peacefully with troublesome problems.

6. Resentment: A feeling becomes a resentment by reliving it. It isn't what happens that counts, but what I choose to do about it. Allowing things to affect me unduly and harping on something over and over means that I am fostering a resentment. I am allowing a pinprick to become a stab in the heart.

7. How do I resolve a resentment? I need to realize what the resentment is and accept my responsibility for my share in it and then make amends. I want to build relationships. Carrying the grudge or hurt will destroy it. I need to train myself to live each day as a new beginning and to not burden myself with yesterday's problems.

8. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I need faith and hope to endure life's hazards. Giving in to constant doubt kills faith and hope.

9.Best of all possible gifts is a tranquil mind. I can sort out the things I can't change. By working the program, I seek to accept those things and not rebel against them. I learn to change what I can. Whether or not I caused my own turmoil, only I can give myself a tranquil mind and an accepting heart.

10. Meditate and count my blessings - forget the failings - dwell only on what I have that's good.

11. I can picture mountains of resentments overgrown by the green of envy; valleys of despair; roadways that are strewn with self-pity and ill-will. (Sound familiar?) But with a Higher Power, I travel a road where I learn to level those mountains of resentment with straight thinking; fill my valleys of despair with hope; say the Serenity Prayer and change rebellion to acceptance. The best way to help myself it to help others - I forget my own hurt when I am working with others.

12. Anger: I used to blast back in anger when someone offended me. I've learned to recite the Serenity Prayer often during these moments and slogans such as: Think, Easy Does it, and Live and Let Live. Thee will help to put me back on the sane road. To rid myself of resentment and self-pity, I clean house mentally and spiritually. Daily cleaning frees me from the build-up to trash, grime and dinginess that often leads to anger and resentment. For this I use the broom that never wears out - the 12 steps and our program of daily living.

13.Sharing - I can't give another person hope and serenity by mouthing slogans and principles, but by giving of myself, sharing my experiences, strength and hope; by caring about the other person enough to truly give with love. This is how I received the message myself.

14. Learn to laugh at feelings and fears, Learn patience made up of faith, hope, love and courage. Without these ingredients in my life, I can not contemplate tomorrow. Without love, man wouldn't be bothered with anything but himself. I don't need to dwell on bitter disappointments; instead, I can concentrate on who and what helped me. I prefer to remember kindnesses rather than dwell on hurts. I have learned to listen with an open mind, and am learning to live with serenity and confidence.

Sad news

Some of you may recall that my wife lost her sponsor a few months ago to cancer. She had developed a close relationship with her sponsor's sponsor, T., so she became my wife's new sponsor. They have developed a closeness that can only come from sharing, trust and love.

Today my wife received news that T. has been admitted to the hospital with two lesions on her lung and a mass on her brain. We are both full of sorrow. I guess that's putting it mildly. It feels more like my guts have been kicked in.

I am having difficulty concentrating at work. My wife is on her way to the hospital. I am praying for T. and others who are sick and suffering. I am doing my best to not cry. This is all a lot to deal with at the moment.

PS: I've decided that reading blogs is a good thing to do for an hour or so. And what you have written has made me smile and feel a lot of gratitude. These are life experiences that happen. As my dear mother used to say, "And they will happen more and more the older you get until you hope to be the last one standing." She generally made me smile too.

The spiritual bank

"Let nothing upset you;
Let nothing frighten you.
Everything is changing;
God alone is changeless.
Patience attains the goal.
Who has God lacks nothing;
God alone fills all of our needs."

Blessed Mother Teresa's Prayer

My spiritual bank got a little low last evening. I let myself get sucked into an expectation that didn't turn out the way that I wanted. I let someone else start to fill my needs.

When that happens I remind myself of the prayer above. It is my favorite prayer. It reminds me that I don't need to rely upon the unreliable. It reminds me that I lack for nothing today.

Because of the program, I think differently than I used to. I have insights that have brought about healing of myself. I have a clearer self-image. Much of my self-doubt has been replaced with a new confidence.

I've learned to trust my Higher Power who takes me places and shows me things that have opened my mind to so many possibilities. I am grateful for my transformation that is a direct result of God's grace.

Even my failures and shortcomings are things that I can learn from. They keep me humble. I am learning to appreciate the journey. I have never been a quitter, although I've wanted to do so many times.

I have taken plenty of tests in my life. And I've been tested quite a few times. But I don't just want to get by; instead, I want to do the best that I can. I want to continue to learn and grow. I know that as long as I keep working the program and trusting in God's will, that my spiritual bank will help prepare me for the tests of life to come.

Tragedy

I was stunned to hear on the news about the shooting at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial and Museum. A guard died at the hands of an 88-year-old white supremacist.

The alleged shooter denied that the Holocaust ever occurred. His writings revealed a lifetime of seething anger against Jews and African-Americans.

When I visited the Museum in April, I felt that it was a sacred place. I felt that it was a place where commemoration, responsibility, reckoning and understanding came together.

It is hard to reconcile what happened yesterday with what the Museum represents: "A place of deep sadness and a sanctuary of bright hope" (President Clinton). I don't understand the motivation to hate to the point of killing. I don't know what was in the mind of this man. All I can do is send a prayer for the family of the victim, pray to let go of anger against the shooter, and leave the rest up to my Higher Power.

Getting over resentment

With all the stuff going on in my head lately about my work and retirement, I'm surprised that I haven't felt more resentment. I did give thought to some of the incidences that I disliked. But I didn't get stuck in feeling bad for days. I was able to think about decisions without getting mired in resentment.

I used to replay an insult or slight over and over again. And each time I inflicted more suffering on myself. All this accomplished was that I felt worse, and the wrongs grew until they became hugely magnified in my head.

This mental habit of growing resentments extracts tremendous costs. My obsessing over a slight or a wrong did nothing to change the person I resented. It resolved nothing. Instead, it allowed others to dominate my thinking and become my Higher Power.

Here are some great words to think about:
"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for that person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.

Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

My sponsor told me to do this every day for a month. It helped me, even though at first the words were just mere words. Praying for those with whom I have difficulty helps to squeeze resentment out of our minds, because positive concern and resentment simply cannot coexist.
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PS: For those of you who use the embedded comment form below your post, I can't seem to leave comments. I don't know if this is a Blogger issue or not because it used to be no problem. Just wanted to let you know.

Some Thanksgiving History

My mother always maintained that the first Thanksgiving took place in Virginia. She was a Virginia lady who loved the Commonwealth's history. So I'm going to share a bit of that history here. Supposedly, the first Thanksgiving in America took place in 1619, two years before the colonists arrived in Massachusetts.

Capt. John Woodlief, a survivor of the Jamestown settlement's "starving time" who had returned to England, set sail with 37 other settlers on the good ship Margaret to seek their fortune in the New World. After a violent storm blew them off course, they waded ashore Dec. 4, 1619 at what is now Berkeley Plantation. They opened their orders from their backers, which stated that they were to drop to their knees immediately and give thanks. Their landing date was to "be yearly and perpetually keept holy as a day of Thanksgiving to Almighty God."

Whether they prayed the General Thanksgiving prayer is a supposition. But that prayer is a good one: "Almighty God, Father of all mercies, we thine unworthy servants do give thee most humble and hearty thanks for all thy goodness and loving-kindness to us and to all men.

We bless thee for our creation, preservation, and all the blessings of this life; but above all for thine inestimable love in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ, for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory."

No one knows if they had anything other than old ship rations to eat. Historians surmise that they might have supped on roasted oysters and Virginia ham. Others say their feast included bacon, peas, cornmeal cakes, and cinnamon water. But regardless of the menu, to these settlers, the first Thanksgiving was much more than turkey and pumpkin pie. It was all about prayer.

And regardless of who can claim the first Thanksgiving, this day is more than just our feast. It's about being together and giving thanks. Here's wishing you happiness on this day.

Uncertainty and resilience

My thoughts are with blogger friends and colleagues who are under the gun of the massive storm heading their way. It's a time of great uncertainty.

There are times like these when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go next. And there's the fear of losing what material things that we have. It's hard to imagine that life is peaceful one day and the next there is the potential for destruction of those things that we hold dear.

So I'm keeping all those in the path of this storm in my thoughts. I hope that they will do what is necessary to keep themselves safe.

"Well if we can't plan for it, and we can't let it distract us 24 hours a day every day, what can we do?

Beats me, is mostly my response.

But I have fallen deeply in love with a word that may be of use ... Resilience.

To deal with the absurdly unlikely, we can find resilient people ......... to be more or less able to respond to a knockout blow—right out of left field." Tom Peters

Labor Day

My thoughts are with the residents of the Gulf Coast as Hurricane Gustav heads their way. I know that evacuating and preparing for a hurricane aren't the way that many planned to spend their Labor Day. May God bless and keep each and every one of you.

Life comes at you fast

That commercial on TV says that "life comes at you fast". Whoever wrote that must know something because the pendulum can swing from an up cycle to a down cycle in a heartbeat.

I have been coasting along on the good feelings lately. At tonight's meeting though there were a couple of newcomers who reminded me of why I need the program. It was a mother and daughter and the immediate family had been affected by alcoholism. Both women were articulate in describing what brought them to a meeting. The daughter is having a tough time in an alcoholic marriage. The mother has been around alcoholics all her life. It was really a great meeting because of these two people who were looking to stay afloat and the HP gave them a life ring in the form of Al-Anon.

And then to read Kel's blog. I don't have children so I can only imagine how hard it is to love your child and detach after an overdose. It takes great strength and belief in a HP to get through the horror of what Kel describes.

I know about the ups and downs in life and know that the pendulum will swing back in a downward path for me soon enough. I'm just going to stay in the day and pray for those who are still suffering and in need of help.

Thoughts for the day

The party last night was nice. There was plenty of food and the speakers were good. Although I thought about skipping the whole thing because I was tired and in somewhat of a funk, I realized (thankfully) that the time to go to something like an AA/Al-Anon Christmas party is when you don't feel much like being at a party. I'm glad that I went.

Here is something that I heard and thought that I'd share. It helped put things in proper perspective for me.

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

Controlling

I've been reading a book that highlights a lot of the issues that I have in relationships. The book is called Compelled to Control by Keith Miller. He describes that the major cause of relationship failure is the need to control. I can see from what he describes in a chapter called The Child's Journey--How We Develop the Urge to "Get Control" that I fit the description of someone who battles with the fear of not being enough. What's good about the book is that he describes use of the Twelve Steps in order to be healed and transformed.

This book came in handy last night when I fought the demons in my own head about not being enough. I seem to go down this slippery slope and beat up on myself every now and then. It generally happens when I feel lonely and tired (part of the H.A.L.T. scenario). Last night after a full day of meetings, I felt tired and also very much alone. I didn't want to go drink in the bar and I didn't want to talk shop so I went back to my room and got my head in a bad place. It was as if an overwhelming sadness came over me. I felt miserable about my marriage and some of the amends that I still need to make. I beat myself up over my character defects. And I blamed others for not "being there" when I needed them.

Anyway, this stuff in my head was making me pretty crazy until I started reading this book. I got half way through it and realized that the only way to quiet my mind was to trust in my HP and do some praying. For a person who has never been religious, it is amazing how praying the Third Step Prayer, the Seventh Step Prayer, and the Serenity Prayer got me through the dark place in my head. I finally got to sleep around 1 AM and awoke this morning feeling tired but quiet in my head.

I don't know why I forgot about my HP when I started to go down but the program has taught me that when things get really rough and I'm making up things that aren't real, I need to let go and let God. I am grateful that I asked for my HP to help me last night and He listened.

Meditation

I've been thinking about Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the Power to carry that out.

I think that I understand the difference between prayer and meditation, yet it seems that during meditation, one could also be involved in prayer. For example, saying the Serenity Prayer over and over is a kind of meditation for me when I am in a stressed situation. It relaxes me and provides a way for me to approach my HP. The calming effect comes with a "solution" to whatever is on my mind. I can then reflect on what the issue is and turn over in my mind how I will resolve the issue and how I can put it into action in my life.

I especially like being on the boat or on the beach and going off to a quiet place to sit and just stare at the water. I have also experienced a closeness to my HP during my morning prayers. I want to take in all that's around me and enjoy the sensations. It's as if a stillness comes over me, altogether comforting. I've read that others simply tell themselves to "Be still" so that they can approach God. I need to clear my mind of all the distractions that are rushing in and the best way for me to do that is to force them out with the mantra of the Serenity Prayer.

I think that over time with prayer and meditation, I will have closer contact with my HP and the message that I receive will become clearer.

Getting on my knees

For the last few days, I've been doing something that I did when I was a child. I've gotten down on my knees to pray. My prayer is basically the same as when I was a child--I pray for my HP to help me to help myself.

I remember those nights of desperation when I was so confused and sad as a kid. I would pray over and over for strength and courage so that I could help fix myself. I would pray for my family and that they would be happy. Later, I stopped praying regularly and would only pray during those days when things at home were particularly bad. I've also prayed selfish prayers that I know now were not appropriate.

Last week when I got down on my knees for the first time in decades, it felt awkward, as if I were an actor in a movie. My mind was telling me that I was a fake. But I said the Serenity Prayer and then took some deep breaths and said what I needed to say: "Help me to help myself and watch over those that I love that they may find peace and joy in their lives. I am in need of guidance and strength as I continue this journey of life. Be my guide, my strength and my salvation."

After these words left me, I felt very peaceful and content. My mind was clear of agitation. I am seeing the power of this humble act and how it can change who I am and what I feel.

Mad at God

I talked to a good friend who is in recovery today. He said that today he was just "mad at God". It was a day that was stressful, filled with self-pity and envy for him. I've had too many of those days but never felt angry at my Higher Power. When I get into those kinds of moods, I am generally very angry at myself for once again being the one who apologizes or forgives when I haven't actually done anything wrong. I also have found that writing down prayers to my Higher Power helps a lot. One of them might go, "Help me to take care of myself, to let go of my fears and resentments, to recognize what a unique and creative person I am, and revel in taking another breath and having another day to live. Let me appreciate my talents, the beauty of my surroundings and the ability to make good choices. Let me learn from my mistakes, yet treat myself with kindness for my misgivings."

If I am angry at something, it won't be at my HP. It will be at myself for sinking into the swamp again and getting mired in self pity, resentments, and all the other garbage that runs around in my head. I think that my friend needs to revisit his steps and take his inventory.