Storms and intimacy

The weather here is unsettled, windy and humid.  A tropical storm is moving up the coast and will bring much needed rain, along with rough seas and more wind.  I am planning on staying on the boat tonight and tomorrow to make sure that she rides well on her lines at the marina.

The men's meeting was held Wednesday on the boat.  We didn't get but 2 pages read because each of us had a lot to share.  But they concurred that sitting on a sailing yacht on a brilliant fall day was completely awesome.  We shared about intimacy in relationships and how it is hard to maintain over the long haul because it morphs into something different.

"It is only in long-term relationships that we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness and that we confront the challenge of sustaining both...." (Lerner, 1989).

Two of the men are divorced and not married now.  Both, who are recovering alcoholics,  are struggling with intimacy in new relationships. Three of us have been married to the same person for at least a couple of decades.  We struggle with how to keep the intimacy present in our relationships that have been affected by alcoholism.  And I know just how difficult it is to not sacrifice myself for another or resent them for their emotional absence.

"An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way." (Lerner, 1989).  Learning how to achieve such balance is not easy.  It requires honesty and courage to be together without overpowering or suppressing another.  It also means awareness when apathy begins to creep in.  And so we are exploring the application of recovery principles in our most intimate relationships.

And isn't love really at the root of being with another person?  I don't think that I realized at the onset of my relationship with my wife that I was really seeking a best friend.  Now I know that besides the physical attraction and intelligence, I was seeking someone who would be my life partner regardless.  But the give and take, the expectations, and eventual disappointments can cause a lot of damage.  I didn't have the self-awareness or communication skills to cope with the problems that ensured.  And I didn't have knowledge of the 12 steps to deal with alcoholism.

But togetherness feels much less confining than it was in years past.  We know that we are life partners.  I'm hoping that by meeting with several other men, we will learn from each other about how to make the life partnership happen and get better.

Intimacy

The weekend has been great. Once again the magic of being on the water is restorative. We have swum, slept, eaten, walked, and enjoyed intimacy.

One of the hardest things when there is active drinking is to feel any kind of intimacy, even though love for the person is still there. We have slept together for all the years of our marriage, with few exceptions. Those exceptions occurred after my wife had surgery for her heart attack and when she was so drunk that I couldn't stand to be near her.

Because she had blackouts, I would sometimes stay in the same bed in case she got up and wandered, fearing that she would fall down the steps . Intimacy was not something I enjoyed then. I had enough of boozy kisses followed by anger. Up and down moods when drinking made me wary. The loneliness became more entrenched.

Being sober makes a lot of difference in how we interact. Even though she has been sad lately, we still share a great deal of intimacy. We have learned to let go of past hurts in order to forge a new relationship built on mutual respect and compassion.

In fact, we are having so much fun this weekend that we will stay out until tomorrow. Hope that you are having a good weekend too.

Good questions

Well, I received more questions after the "deadline" and will answer those soon. I hope that you will visit Lou at Subdural Flow II, Mary Christine at Being Sober, and Ron at An Addict in My Son's Bedroom to ask them questions, also.

I said that I would say what the "winning" question was. That is difficult. I will say that the one that was most thought-provoking and that you made the most comments about was that asked by Irish Friend of Bill. It's easy to think unkindly of alcoholics because most of us have been hurt in some way by them. So to be asked to look at where they do themselves a disservice made me mindful of my part too. And I am not devoid of self-centered ego. So to write an answer that balances my part with the inventory of the alcoholic was tricky. I felt a huge "Whew" escape my lips after reading Irish's question. So, Irish, I will be sending you a gift of appreciation.

One of the things that I learned from your comments is that Al-Anon WSO will be publishing a book on Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships. Here is what WSO wants to include:
"The 2011 World Service Conference gave conceptual approval for “a new piece of literature on intimacy in general, including sexual intimacy, in alcoholic relationships.” The Literature Committee is seeking sharings from Al-Anon/Alateen members for possible use in this piece.

Alcoholism is an illness that warps and seriously damages our ability to form and maintain intimate relationships. In recovery, we find many ways to connect to others, and learn to replace fear of intimacy with a healthy set of boundaries. We hope this piece can reflect the wide variety of experiences our members have faced regarding intimacy, in many different types of relationships. Intimacy takes many forms, including emotional, physical, and spiritual. Sharings do not need to be limited to sexual intimacy. However, we do want this piece to cover issues around sexual intimacy more thoroughly than any other previous Al-Anon literature, without being either too vague or too explicit and offensive. Please share your struggles as well as your successes.

Intimate relationships, or the lack of them, can be connected to feelings of shame, insecurity, fear, and guilt. Other topics that could be covered in this piece include sexual compulsion, abuse, infidelity, and promiscuity, as well as hope, trust, safety, joy, emotional and physical closeness, and a sense of feeling cared for as well as supported.

Some questions to consider:
• How have the dynamics of the family illness of alcoholism affected my perceptions of all types of intimacy, including sexual?
• To what extent, if any, do I accept responsibility for the loss of intimacy in my relationships?
• In what ways have issues of intimacy within an alcoholic relationship affected my other relationships?
• When, if ever, have I used sex as a substitute for real intimacy? What was the result?
• How did I feel when someone I cared about tried to use sex to control or manipulate me? How did I feel
when I did the same to others?
• Describe the impact that issues of self-worth or other character defects have had on my intimate
relationships with my Higher Power, the alcoholic, family members, friends, or myself.
• How has building a relationship with my Sponsor and learning to trust helped me expand my capacity
for intimacy?
• What other Al-Anon tools have I used to rebuild trust and intimate relationships?"

This should be a good read! And it is a topic that needs to be written about and discussed. I am submitting several of my writings to it. I hope that you will consider doing the same.