If you want what we have......

With so many people in pain from the misery of living with an alcoholic, I wonder what it actually takes for them to eventually realize that they too have been affected by the disease.  Yet, day in and day out, they struggle along as a caregiver, angry spouse, unhappy person who puts on so many masks to the world so the world won't know how much pain and sadness the person has.

Leah Odze Epstein in Drinking Diaries tells what she found at a meeting and what she didn't find:

There, in that room, I finally found people who got it–who felt like me, alone and alienated most of the time, except there, in that room, when they told their stories. I felt those people could help me, if I let them. But I couldn’t bring myself to go back to that depressing room.

Nearly a decade later, plagued by some of the same issues that seem to haunt adult children of alcoholics (control issues? Check. Accept nothing less than perfection? Check. Alienated? Yup), I went to another Al-Anon meeting in the suburbs. Again with the dimly lit room. Again with the hard chairs. Again with the basement. Were we trying to re-create our childhood suffering through the setting? I didn’t get it.

There were only eight of us sitting in a circle, and I was the youngest. No one smoked or drank coffee. The energy in the room was flat. I couldn’t breathe. But I sat there and listened to the forty-something woman with the twisted hands talk about her crippling rheumatoid arthritis and her nightmare mother. I listened to the nearly 300 pound man talk about his bad mother, too. And the woman whose lips barely moved when she, too, spoke of her evil mother.

I never went back to Al-Anon after that. I’m not saying it’s not a lifesaver for many people. I’m sure it is. Still…

Sometimes, I fantasize about the kind of meeting I might like to attend. First off, I wouldn’t call it a meeting. Maybe a Girl’s Night Out. There would be women my age, maybe a bit younger, some a bit older. The women would be smart and funny. Some would have battle scars, but they’d talk about them with humor. Maybe we’d laugh until we cried, sharing our stories, and how we turned out after all that craziness. I picture sitting in a warm cozy place, maybe on a red velvet couch–My fantasy Al-Anon meeting takes place in a restaurant, or a bar.

I know that not all meetings are healthy ones. I have been to many that were not in line with the Traditions. I attended one a couple of days ago in which there was a lot of crosstalk and the main topic was suicide and not those related to alcohol. I shared about how low being affected by my wife's drinking had brought me--to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died and was contemplating my own death.  Sometimes, what we say reaches the ears of someone who needs to hear it, just as I need to hear something that resonates with me.  A lady came up to me afterwards and said that she understood more now about the suicide of her alcoholic brother--how complete loss of hope can bring one to make such a decision.

I know that Al-Anon is a program of attraction rather than promotion.  And I know that there are other ways to get help rather than by working a 12 step program. But if you want people to talk to who are familiar with the disease and its effects on others, why not check it out and see if there is something in it to help you?  Maybe bring a pad if the chairs are too hard. Or bring your own latte.

I get emails from people who say that they get a lot from reading my blog. They write that it helps them to know someone else who has been affected by the disease and worked to recover. And that reading the posts is better than going to Al-Anon.  I don't know about you, but I read a lot of information on alcoholism before I went to Al-Anon and none of it brought me the peace of mind that I now have.  I read books on co-dependence and still I didn't understand how to get free from the years of behavioral patterns or "isms" that seemed to make my life unmanageable.  I don't write as much about alcoholism anymore.  I write about living life on life's terms.  And that, at times, can be wonderful or it can be difficult.

My older blog posts when I first started were about all the issues I had with a newly sober spouse.  I had a lot of issues with understanding what serenity even meant.  I didn't understand what a Higher Power was.  I had no idea of how to "let go", detach with love, or accept others for who they are.  Keeping the focus on myself was meaningless because I had spent so many years focusing on others that I cared about.  I could focus at work, but no one knew how lost I felt on the inside or how sad I was some days.  I had one confidante at work who I talked to mostly about his love for a recovering addict.  I lost a good friend when I told him about the difficulties we were having coping with recovery.

But in all of this turmoil, I knew that if I kept going to meetings, worked the steps, and talked to my sponsor, I would feel better one day.  Misery was truly optional.  And it took me a while before I finally got the idea that I didn't have to focus all of my energy on another person.  I could be my own person and have a life where there was happiness and even serenity.

For those of you who have read this blog or other blogs that focus on recovery, you'll likely find that we have discovered a way of living that isn't about how miserable our lives are.  Most of us have jobs we enjoy or have had successful careers. Most of us have hobbies and activities that are a passion.  Most of us get up in the morning and think about what is good about our lives and are grateful for those we love.  Most of us have discovered that we can handle the ups and downs of this life without falling apart or sinking into self-pity and self-loathing.  We have learned one day at a time to live life on life's terms.

The things that used to bother me aren't nearly as important any more.  I still have my own shortcomings that I work on every day.  I still forget to live in the day rather than project into the future. And I occasionally have an expectation about someone or something.  But for the most part, I am living a much more balanced life than ever before.  I realize that I only have a finite number of years in my life.  And I am grateful for the help of those in Al-Anon who reached out a hand to me and to whom I now offer my own hand in return.

Methodical progression of the living

I have been doing as much busy work as I can over the last few days since Pop died. And in the evening, I fix myself something to eat and then read until I am sleepy.  There is healing in the methodical progression of the day.

Yesterday was the most difficult so far because I looked at a photo of him as a young man of ten years--a school photo in his emblemed blazer and tie, no sign of anything but innocence.  We are so young and then we get to be so old.  In between, we have so many choices on how we live each day.  I feel badly that Pop didn't have much of a choice in the last couple of years.  A nursing home was not his choice. And that hurts my heart.

My wife has been calling several times a day.  She too is feeling sad.  Tomorrow she comes home.  I wish that she were staying in that healing location with the sea and sand a few more days.  I believe that the loss will hit her harder when she comes home.

I am going to pick up all of Pop's things today at the nursing home.  That way the room will be vacated and readied for someone else.  I would like for there to be another way for the sick and aged to live out their final days.  Mom died at home. But Pop's medical condition with late stage liver failure was just too dire for home health care. He needed to be in a place where there was nursing care and a doctor on staff around the clock.  At least, that is what I am telling myself to assuage my guilt.

I think that this morning, I'm going to a meeting.  I have let the fellowship know what is going on.  Once again, the local AA's have not called.  I have heard from a few Al-Anon people, expressing their care and concern.  But this time, I expected nothing based on the lack of response when Mom died. When the funeral staff gave me a little book so that I could write down what people brought to the house in the way of food, etc., I thought inwardly that the book will remain blank.  And so it has.

Death is an uneasy subject to think about. And so much death in such a few months is even harder to imagine.  At the moment, I am really okay with just being by myself, going about my day, listening to the birds, the rain coming down.  It's all okay for me because I have lowered my expectations of humanity.  We are just people trying to get through life until we ourselves die.

Let's talk about anger

I spent a few beautiful days on the boat.  Fall mornings are cool with wonderfully warm afternoons.  It was a good time to walk, take photos, read and  relax.  

It looks as if the men's meeting is going to go forward.  We will get together every couple of weeks, read some recovery literature and talk about what we have read.  The next meeting is going to be on the boat.  After the meeting hour, we will have time to socialize and have a cup of coffee or tea and some snacks.  I think having this meeting is going to be fun.  The idea is to have a small group of fellows who can open up to each other, have a flexible meeting format (i.e. not worry about cross-talk), and forge some closer ties. 

Our first book is going to be on anger. That's something that I think each of us has experienced and will benefit from discussing.  I have evolved in recovery to the point that I don't lash out in anger.  I have learned about restraint of tongue (and pen).  Yet, there are still times that I can feel the angry retort on the tip of my tongue.  And those situations are usually when I perceive an injustice, lack of respect, or just plain selfishness in another.  

I have read that reactivity is a mindless, thoughtless reflex and involves the least evolved, most primitive parts of the human brain. Restraint on the other hand is equated with thoughtful, conscious self-control and indicates better ego functioning. All very true. But there are moments when the primitive parts of myself are fighting with the more civilized me. It would be so easy to let the beast within win.

I have not been a demonstrative rager.  I wasn't a dish thrower, a verbal abuser, or a trafficker in sarcasm. Instead, I tried to be reasonable and be the placater.  And when that didn't work,  I would opt to be the wounded victim, the self-righteous martyr. Rather than confront a situation directly, I would give the silent treatment to my wife. And all the while inside I was fuming, angry at her and at myself most of all. 

I don't do much self-righteous fuming now.  I speak up when something bothers me. I think about what is going on, what I feel, look at what my role is, and make a decision whether it is important enough to discuss.  Often times if I have a "cooling off" period and detach from the situation, I decide that the affront wasn't really about me.  

If I do decide to speak up about something, then the approach that I now use is to be direct and say what is bothering me: e.g. "I am uncomfortable about....". I like a reasonable dialogue rather than blowing someone away with anger. It is less messy and isn't tinged with regret later. Once out of my mouth,  I've found that the indignant rage will deflate me faster than a pin stuck in a balloon. I feel blown apart from my own anger. 

There are lots of triggers that can sabotage self-restraint when it comes to personal relationships.  I strive for balance and awareness. Hopefully, those are taking me on the higher road to kindness. 

What I Needed

We decided on the spur of the moment to drive to the AA conference in Hilton Head. I am so glad that we went. We heard some wonderful speakers yesterday. They provided humor and inspiration. I came away feeling that I had been exactly where I needed to be. After the last week, it was time to surround ourselves with those who could offer their solution to difficult situations.

As we were driving back last evening, we talked about our resolve to make sure both parents have what they need. Neither of us is happy that they may have to live separately for a while. But until we know that Mom won't be verbally abused, we are going to keep them apart, except for visiting.

I want this to be over. I want my wife to feel good again. I want the family unit to be together. But I realize that this isn't up to me. I cannot make things be okay. We simply will work through all this stuff as best we can. Things change so quickly. Others live with horrible situations every day. That doesn't comfort me. But I am grateful that we have a fellowship from which we do draw comfort. We are able to get what we need from the collective strength of so many.

My tribe

Last night, I went to a meeting at the 12 step club.  One of the ladies who was at the meeting on Monday night was there, and she gave me a big hug.  As Ms. Moon commented, no matter where I go, I can find my people--members of a tribe that "understand as few others can".  It surely is a comfort to know that.

I got a comment yesterday from Cris who said that she needed help.  Cris is in Spain so I'm hoping that she will find an AA meeting nearby.  The fellowship of AA and Al-Anon are worldwide so if anyone needs help, that help is available.  And if you cannot travel to a meeting, there are phone services worldwide where you can talk to someone who understands and can share their experience, strength and hope with you.

Not coincidentally, the topic last night was on facing your fears and taking steps to move in a positive direction.  Even if those are little steps, each one added to another is an accomplishment.  Just like sailing, a slight shift in direction can change the course to a destination.  If I don't think that I am moving in a positive direction, maybe it is time for me to make a shift, take a risk, and see what happens.  You may be amazed.

I will be leaving here tomorrow.  I am looking forward to getting home.  It's time for me to rejoin the tribe where my heart is.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." ~Lao-Tse

Forest of trees

I heard someone share at a meeting recently that "In a forest of trees, I didn't recognize that I was a tree."  I clearly didn't have much of a grip on the things that were wrong with me, until I was able to stop the denial.  Before I came to Al-Anon, I could point out over and over what was wrong with the alcoholic.  I knew that she was the one who was making me unhappy.  I could not tell that there was anything wrong with me until the disease progressed.

And once alcoholism had me by the throat, I began to feel the stress, see the craziness, and figure out that something was very wrong with me.  I was out of control with anger, paralyzed by fear.  And that is what brought me to my first meeting. 

After working the steps in Al-Anon, I realized that I had been unhappy for a long time.  The unhappiness went way back, into childhood.  I did a lot of things to try to gloss over the pain of living around alcoholics.  I pretended to be happy.  I put on a brave face.  I did my best to persevere. I tried to gloss over the pain with work.  Finally, I was able to face my unhappiness and undergo some modicum of relief from my denial.  I felt what it was like to be a lone tree. 

Whereas my sole purpose in life was riveted on the alcoholics for so long, I was eventually able to refocus my attention where it needed to be: on me.  I began to find things that I enjoyed doing.  What a revelation to finally get a much needed reality check on denial.  

When I don't look at something that can and is affecting the quality and quantity of my life, then I am in denial.   When I avoid those "three fingers" of responsibility pointing back at me only in favor of aiming the other one out at someone else, I am in denial.  When I don't take appropriate action on something I need to take care of inside of me, that's denial.

As I have learned in meetings, I cannot run from this disease.  I have to stay rooted in my own truth, face whatever occurs, and yet be flexible enough to not break.  I am an individual who gets support now from others around me and know that I am not really alone anymore.

Decorating

We pulled out our fall decorations today and proceeded to decorate the mantles, put some jack o'lanterns about, and add swags of fall leaves to corner cabinets and doorways.  Both of us had a good time, but C. was especially pleased with getting in the fall spirit.  I'm posting a few photos of our efforts. 

Fall bouquet complete with large black spider

One of the jack o'lanterns that we have lit. 

Another group of fun fall stuff on a table in one of the halls

My favorite thing--a rolling eyeball that lights up!

Sparkly purple lights on the mantle in the master bedroom

We also made a couple of cakes.  The one below is a scary pumpkin cake that yours truly decorated. Okay, this was my first time using a pastry bag which definitely in and of itself is a creepy contraption to use.  I thought that the blue bats, spiders and webs was a nice touch.  C. wasn't so sure about my cake decorating abilities.  At least I managed to keep most of the icing on the cake.  Squeezing that pastry bag too hard could definitely have had less than desirable consequences.

Scary ghoul pumpkin cake

We made three of these cakes, each one decorated a little differently.  I took one to a meeting tonight where a sponsee shared his story.  It was his one year anniversary in Al-Anon.  I am glad that he persevered to get through the 12 steps and was willing to share his experience, strength and hope.  He asked what to do with the medallion that was tucked in the card.  I said that I carry mine in my wallet as a reminder of what the program means.  It was a fun day and a good evening. 

It's hard to believe that today is the last day of September.  And some cooler weather is finally coming our way.  I am content with so much today.  I am very grateful.

A friend's message

Last night, our Al-Anon group learned that one of its members had died.  He had only a few months from time of diagnosis to death.  I miss him, I really do.  He had several addicted children that caused a lot of stress in his life.  His career was pressure enough but the children nearly drove him insane.  His marriage became bad, he was paying for rehabs and treatment centers, and the stress was enormous.  He thought that he could somehow fix his addicted children. 

He didn't find Al-Anon for a long time, but when he did come, he was willing and ready.  He got a sponsor, worked the steps and had a good message to share.  He found that all the controlling he tried with his kids didn't work.  He let one son go to jail, didn't bail him out, and told him he loved him.  He told another not to come home for Christmas if he was still using.  He made boundaries and kept them.  And he found serenity by doing these things.

He always had a good message for the newcomers whose children were alcoholics/addicts.  He told them that nothing he said or gave to his children in the way of material things ever made any difference in their getting sober.  But what did make a difference was when he learned to keep his hands off those things that didn't belong to him.

I would visualize the unmarked piece of luggage that sits in the airport.  It doesn't have my name on it, but I decide to pick it up.  Inside is a shit bomb and when I accept the baggage that isn't mine, the shit bomb explodes.  And this will happen time after time until the decision is made not to pick up someone else's stuff.

I am thankful for the message.  I used to not only want to carry the shit of another but wallow in it.  Heck, I was baggage claim.  Now I realize that if something doesn't have my name on it, I don't pick it up.  It can just sit there and stink.

Thank you C. for sharing your message and for walking the talk.  You inspired a lot of people and gave them hope that they too could learn to live and find serenity amidst an ocean of chaos.  I wish that your stay here could have been longer.  But I'm grateful that you found peace during your final years.

Heading home

I'm heading back home this morning.  I enjoyed seeing my colleagues. It is a strange feeling to not be invested in work plans for the next five years.  But I realize that's okay and will just have to let this go.


The above photo is of my dinner last night: American lobster, clam chowder and a lot of soft-shell clams (steamers).  It was quite a feast. And there was a lot of joviality during and after the meal. 



It is still snowing this morning and the snow is accumulating.  What a treat it was to wake up and look out the window to see snow coming down and the ground covered.  I had breakfast looking out over the Eel pond where there are many snow covered sailboats and powerboats bobbing at their moorings. It was indeed a picture postcard scene.

This week I went to an open men's meeting.  Before the meeting began, a young woman walked in.  After she sat down, one of the members walked over and told her that it was a men's meeting. She then got up and went outside.  No one among those regular members got up to talk with her.  So I went outside and asked her whether she had a ride.  She said that she would call her ride to come back and get her. 

This seemed to be one of those situations where "How Important Is It?" would apply.  Was it really necessary to oust someone who came for help from a meeting? What about the idea that limiting the message may also limit my own recovery?  I think that in this case it would have been good to let this young woman stay.  I like the idea of including those who need the message and not excluding them.  Tradition Three seems to be the guide here in which the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

I would be interested to hear your viewpoint on this, both from the point of AA and Al-Anon. 

Impressions from the convention

The theme of the state convention was Seeking a Balanced Life. I heard some excellent speakers.

The AA speaker Dick A. had a good message that was filled with humor. He spoke about doing God's will in the best way I can given the gifts I was given.

I thought about that quite a bit and decided that one of the gifts I can share will be to become certified as an Alateen sponsor. I could see that the behavior of the Alateens reflected the alcoholic household they grew up in. There are more Alateen meetings needed in our area. We have no children but perhaps there will be a way to extend a hand to those young people who, like me,were affected by someone else's drinking. It is a strong feeling that I have that God is directing me to help these troubled kids.

The convention was held at the beach. So I'll share a few other photos from this inspiring weekend.

Tuesday's thoughts

I woke up with a headache today that made me feel nauseous. I wasn't even tempted to have a fresh baked oatmeal raisin cookie. Instead, I took some sinus medication and went back to bed.

I had a meeting yesterday at work that made me wonder about leadership, authority, small minds and narrow vision. It's a chicken or the egg sort of thing---did the small minds and narrow vision come as a result of leadership and authority or is it the other way around?

I can't think of anything that I want or need for Christmas. I would just settle for having a house full of people in recovery that have no family nearby and treating them to a great homemade Christmas dinner. Instead, it will be my in-laws and us. It's times like these that I wish for a big family and children running around.

Tonight is the 20th anniversary of a meeting I regularly attend. There's going to be some festive food. Several of us have been going for ice cream after the meeting, and it's been fun. However, last week, a fellow I know pontificated the entire time about how to work the program of Al-Anon. I chose to join in a conversation about rebuilding an old Mustang. I don't enjoy pontification.

The fall colors are at their best right now in this section of the coast. So far there hasn't been any frost and most of the summer flowers are still doing well. The fall garden is going to yield some collards, kale, and cabbage. Hopefully the collards will be ready by New Year since they are a New Year's Day tradition.

We decided to put up all the decorations again this year because the squirrels, deer, foxes, opossums, and rabbits enjoy them. After all these years, we finally got everything organized into boxes labeled by room. We used to pull a "whatchamacallit" out of the box and wonder where it went.

I'm no longer in search of aluminum Christmas trees since I now have 2 little ones and one large one from childhood that goes on the library table. It even has the color wheel that I thought was so dorky as a kid. Now I think that it's pretty cool.

Since I've been writing this, my headache has gotten better so I'm going to take a shower, get dressed, and head into work. I am glad that writing a few thoughts down works better than Head On. It ranks as one of the worst commercials in my opinion. It's right up there with The Clapper and I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up (Life call).

Have a good Tuesday.

Feelings

I wanted to share with you some information from an Al-Anon workshop on the three F's: Feelings, Fears, and Freedom. I'm going to spread this out over three weeks, posting the information on Saturday. I found the information helpful in getting past a lot of negative feelings, especially for those who are fairly new to the program.

1. Before Al-Anon, I soothed my deeply hurt feelings in luxurious baths of self-pity; indulged in hot anger, violent reproach, neurotic frustrations; and retreated to avoid embarrassment, shame and to escape feelings of guilt.

2.Pain is a necessary part of the program. Through suffering, if I accept it for the good it is meant to be, I can grow, can achieve an understanding that success is not just in material things, in living a pleasant happy life but in overcoming defects of character, in suppressing my selfishness and in having compassion for others. Pain is the price I pay for a deeper understanding, a richer more meaningful life.

3. Self-Pity and Resentment: I fooled myself when I didn't face up to these two character defects. To soothe my bruised ego, I stayed in situations because I was concerned about the alcoholic loved one, and because I wasn't sure where to go. I have worked on changing these two feelings with courage and detachment and the help of the program by daily practice of the principles in all our affairs.

4, Rejection and fear of rejection: These feelings make me feel anger. If she didn't love me enough to quit drinking, then I would show her that it didn't matter anymore; I would simply reject her from the important parts of our life. Then I added two more feelings to these - guilt and revenge. I came to accept through this program that that drinking is not a deliberate reflection of indifference and has nothing to do with love. I could then become free of the rejection, guilt and anger that I've felt for so long. I'm still working on this one as rejection goes back a long way for me.

5. Reassurance: A suffering Al-Anon member will respond to simple acts of kindness given with love and understanding, but remember, the new member needs constant reassurance. When the road way becomes tough, encourage them to dig deeper in the program. Each of us can learn to live peacefully with troublesome problems.

6. Resentment: A feeling becomes a resentment by reliving it. It isn't what happens that counts, but what I choose to do about it. Allowing things to affect me unduly and harping on something over and over means that I am fostering a resentment. I am allowing a pinprick to become a stab in the heart.

7. How do I resolve a resentment? I need to realize what the resentment is and accept my responsibility for my share in it and then make amends. I want to build relationships. Carrying the grudge or hurt will destroy it. I need to train myself to live each day as a new beginning and to not burden myself with yesterday's problems.

8. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I need faith and hope to endure life's hazards. Giving in to constant doubt kills faith and hope.

9.Best of all possible gifts is a tranquil mind. I can sort out the things I can't change. By working the program, I seek to accept those things and not rebel against them. I learn to change what I can. Whether or not I caused my own turmoil, only I can give myself a tranquil mind and an accepting heart.

10. Meditate and count my blessings - forget the failings - dwell only on what I have that's good.

11. I can picture mountains of resentments overgrown by the green of envy; valleys of despair; roadways that are strewn with self-pity and ill-will. (Sound familiar?) But with a Higher Power, I travel a road where I learn to level those mountains of resentment with straight thinking; fill my valleys of despair with hope; say the Serenity Prayer and change rebellion to acceptance. The best way to help myself it to help others - I forget my own hurt when I am working with others.

12. Anger: I used to blast back in anger when someone offended me. I've learned to recite the Serenity Prayer often during these moments and slogans such as: Think, Easy Does it, and Live and Let Live. Thee will help to put me back on the sane road. To rid myself of resentment and self-pity, I clean house mentally and spiritually. Daily cleaning frees me from the build-up to trash, grime and dinginess that often leads to anger and resentment. For this I use the broom that never wears out - the 12 steps and our program of daily living.

13.Sharing - I can't give another person hope and serenity by mouthing slogans and principles, but by giving of myself, sharing my experiences, strength and hope; by caring about the other person enough to truly give with love. This is how I received the message myself.

14. Learn to laugh at feelings and fears, Learn patience made up of faith, hope, love and courage. Without these ingredients in my life, I can not contemplate tomorrow. Without love, man wouldn't be bothered with anything but himself. I don't need to dwell on bitter disappointments; instead, I can concentrate on who and what helped me. I prefer to remember kindnesses rather than dwell on hurts. I have learned to listen with an open mind, and am learning to live with serenity and confidence.

Giving myself permission to not like everyone

Yesterday's meeting was a good one. The topic was about being powerless and having an understanding of what that means.

What I want to write about though is my own self-centered behavior. There is a lady who comes to this meeting only occasionally. She describes herself as a senior transplant from the northeast. She shares that she hasn't made many friends. Ordinarily, this would generate a lot of compassion, but I have to admit that she has a way of sucking the air out of the room when she shares.

Yesterday, she interrupted another member who wanted to share. She said that she needed to go first because there was something that was pressing on her mind. It was a very long share that resulted in her being cut off by the chairman. At the end of the meeting, she turned to me and asked if she could talk to me for just 5 minutes. I said sure and said that we could sit down and talk. She wanted to go outside the room because she didn't want others to hear what she had to say. I had no clue what it was about but figured that she wanted to talk more about her share.

Many in the group were planning to go to lunch to celebrate my Al-Anon birthday. My sponsor was waiting on me. I knew that the lady was long winded and to be honest, I find her off putting. I hesitated for a moment, but then said that yes I would talk with her. Several people then came over and started talking to me about lunch and giving congratulations. The lady was getting agitated at all this and was looking displeased.

Another member of the group saw the dilemma and came over saying that she would take the lady outside for a discussion. I felt this wave of relief wash over me. And immediately felt shame because I had not wanted to talk to her. I had said that I would but knew that I simply didn't want to have an intense discussion with her at that time.

The strange thing is that she came to lunch about a half an hour later with the member who had stayed to talk to her. And she seemed to have an enjoyable time. I was grateful for that.

My response to the situation bothered me and made me reflect on my behavior. I realize that we each have shortcomings. And there are going to be people with whom I simply don't mesh. There must be something that I recognize in her that triggers some discomfort in me. I don't like when this happens, but I'm glad that I recognize it. I am not sure whether this is being self-centered, or whether I can simply give myself permission to not like everybody. I am grateful that there was someone there who had a gift to give to this person that clearly I didn't have at that time.

I guess the Al-Anon closing sums it up: "After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you."

Meeting places

My home group meets in a moldy old church building with no toilets available. Plenty of times I've had to go out to the grave yard to water a bush or tree. The building has ceiling tiles that have fallen in to expose insulation. The heating and AC aren't working well.

Yet, there is a brand new church just across the road. Apparently, there are issues that the vestry has with whether or not the AA/Al-Anon groups should have access to the new building. A TV disappeared from the old meeting building over six months ago. The AA fellowship was blamed for the missing TV.

There are other meeting places in the area where funds were stolen. This resulted in a lot of hard feelings as this was an AA club house that had a safe in the floor. No one was ever arrested for the theft of the money.

I've also noted that meeting attendees could be more respectful and considerate of the people who share the facility with them. Cigarette butts left outside on the grounds are a major issue. People are often inconsiderate about where they park their cars.

Complacency can allow some of the things to happen that are inappropriate. One member described complacency as "live and let live" disguised. I believe that it is part of the trusted servant status to make sure that meeting places are left in the same or better state after they are used by the fellowship. It is a good idea to remove all evidence of a meeting after the meeting is over. That way no can complain about problems with the fellowship.

I'd like to hear about your experiences and thoughts about meeting places. There is a solution.

Great roundup

Every time I go to these roundups, I come away with such a feeling of inspiration that it's hard to describe. I guess it's a comfortable feeling of being around people who seem to also be inspired.

I went to this roundup two years ago. At that time, I hadn't heard any "circuit" speakers. I remember writing at that time that it was hard to listen to the stories being told. I remember when I found it difficult to laugh at anything related to alcohol. I can now laugh at the stories told. And I also tear up over the damage done by alcoholism.

The Al-Anon speaker Debi C. from Alabama talked about so many things that I had experienced. If you ever get a chance to hear her or get a tape by her, do it. She covered the gamut of emotions of a person out of control due to the effects of alcoholism. I could identify with the rages she felt about the alcoholic, the feeling of emptiness, the thoughts of suicide, and the miracle of finding others who had felt the same way in Al-Anon.

After such a beautiful day filled with sunshine, fresh air, and inspiration, I thought that I'd share these gratitudes:

• An awareness of shared experiences and feelings that never cease to amaze me
• That I get what I need to do even if I'm not able to do it all the time
• Forgiving myself for being human
  
• Knowing that I don't have to suffer from delusions or illusions unless I choose to do so
• That I feel a lot of love for those around me without expecting anything in return
  

Cast a wide net

We went to the memorial service for my wife's sponsor yesterday afternoon. It was a beautiful spring afternoon. The large church was overflowing with people, with the majority being from AA.

It was the Episcopal service of my youth--hymns, prayers, readings. But the joyous part were the testimonials to T. Each person stressed how she had reached out and cast a wide net to help others. That no matter what time of day or night, she could be counted on to be there for those in need. And that her spirit was flowing through those she had helped and those who had helped her.

After the service, we went to the home of my wife's new sponsor. She sponsored T. and is another tough AA'er who believes in singleness of purpose and not a lot of BS when it comes to messing with the program. I enjoyed listening to them talk. I feel sure that my wife has found another strong person to guide her as she continues the journey. It is a beautiful program. And God has seen fit to put us right where we need to be.

To marry

I can remember my dad talking about marrying two pieces of line together to make a single strong piece.

That double sheet bend that he used is one that I use now on the boat. I think that it's a beautiful knot. And in thinking about how I can marry these pieces of line, it made me think about how I have interwoven myself in this relationship with another.

It means that I have learned to trust another with my heart, that I have stuck around even when things were rough, that I have accepted even when faced with faults, that I have had compassion when everything seemed frayed.

Then there is the marriage that I have embarked upon in this fellowship. It's not all that different from the one with my partner. It's a vow that I've taken to be true to myself. It's one that I have made to be committed to my own well being, to not quit when things get tough, to understand my faults and weak areas, to take care and love myself no matter what others think, and to bind my life with the truth within me.

Like the ropes, I am interweaving my heart and my head, my faith and truth with my fears and failings, my spirit with my reality. And I vow to have and to hold...for better or worse...in sickness and in health...to love and to cherish, till death do us part. That's my vow to myself in this journey of recovery.

So just like the ropes are made twice as strong by their being married together, my life has been made so much stronger too by being committed to this path towards inner peace.

It it doesn't have my name on it....

I've heard this saying in several meetings: "If it doesn't have my name on it, then I won't pick it up." This is a great saying to remind me that I can only deal with things that are my business.

Since being in Al-Anon, I have lost the desire to pick up those things which do not belong to me. It is a very freeing feeling to go about life and not interject myself into the middle of what is going on in other's lives.

I know that I care when things happen to others. In fact, I've spent much of my life caring more about others than I really cared for myself. The difference now is that self-care has become a priority. I can so easily let my compassion for others take me into their world and out of mine. So I am mindful of that.

My wife has had a blow to her serenity lately because her sponsor is dying from lung cancer. This woman has been the back bone of one of the city's AA groups. My wife is dealing with this and has no desire to drink over it. She is planning to "take shifts", along with other AA members, at her sponsor's house as her sickness worsens. She lives alone and the AA community is rallying around. Bless them and bless this woman who has helped my wife through these last two and half years of sobriety.

Have a great Saturday. I'm working on the boat and then going for a long weekend sail. I'll check back when I get back on land and near a computer.

Another oyster roast

It's finally Saturday. Thankfully. After a long week that had its ups and downs, and cold weather for these parts, today is supposed to be warm with temps in the 60's. It's going to be good weather to go on the boat.

There's a group of people coming to the anchorage and island to have an oyster roast. It's the same group that did the oyster roast for my birthday. They have a pontoon boat that can get up really close to the beach, close enough to put a gangway down. It's a family owned business that does eco-tours of the area and the boat has the capacity to carry around 40 people. So it will be fun to eat some oysters with them and their customers this afternoon.

After the oyster roast, I'm going to meet up with my sponsor and a friend to go to an open AA meeting. After that I'll probably spend the night on the boat.

I like having some activity on a warm Saturday. There's nothing better than getting with friends, eating steamed oysters, being on the water, and then ending the day with a meeting.

Happy Saturday to everyone.

Tradition Three

The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

• Principle: Focus
• Traits: singleness of purpose, keep it simple

Al-Anon's non-affiliation with any other cause or organization keeps our purpose clear and helps us avoid controversies that could hurt our unity. Al-Anon and the recovery offered me is my primary focus. This does not mean I have the right to force my belief in Al-Anon on others. My recovery does not detract from my family’s unity. My preaching may.

To LEARN how to join Al-Anon or form a group, turn to Tradition Three, which tells us that any individual can join simply by deciding he or she is troubled by another person's drinking. A group can be formed whenever two or more persons get together to use the Al-Anon principles to help themselves. The only stipulation is that the group itself not affiliate with any other program, religion or cause. This stipulation is intentionally simple and inclusive. It insures that when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help in dealing with the effects of another's alcoholism, Al-Anon will be there. This tradition points out our singleness of purpose.

Most organizations have specific requirements for membership and some way to see that only those who qualify are admitted. Applications are created and obligations are spelled out. Al-Anon is different. If you think you are troubled by a drinker, you are welcome.

Al-Anon's non-affiliation with any other cause or organization keeps our purpose clear and helps us avoid controversies that could hurt our unity. Although there are many good, related endeavors, our experience indicates that we lose the vitality and effectiveness of our Al-Anon program when we stretch ourselves too thin by trying to be all things to all people.

Practicing this Tradition brings us personal growth and expanded recovery. For all who come through the doors and claim by their presence that they have a problem, we extend the hand of fellowship. We offer them unconditional love and acceptance. It is simple.

We do not use our group for other purposes or link our group to other causes, treatment programs or outside endeavors, however worthy they may be, because we want to be sure Al-Anon is always available to us and others in need of the help we have found so useful.