Getting By

The events of the past month have been unsettling. So much tragedy that I can't wrap my head around it.  So I do what I can to stay insulated by not watching the news, reading the paper, or doing outreach in the community.

I know this isn't good, but the feeling of being overwhelmed is real. Somehow, if I stay in my world, it feels better than constantly rehashing mass murders and the lack of our elected officials to do anything about it.

That the Orlando massacre nearly coincided with the anniversary of the Emanuel church murders in this city was difficult.  And I ask myself, "How many more?". I did not participate in activities planned to honor the dead. I worked on my boat, went to meetings, met with my sponsor, rode the horse and gardened. I feel jaded and tired of the arguing about guns, politics, religion and racial injustice.  Maybe we are moving forward in inches.  I can't see that, and it certainly feels as if we are moving backwards when it comes to giving up hate and divisiveness.

The summer heat has moved in and feels unrelenting.  I do most of my work in the mornings and evenings, otherwise it is unbearable.  Last night, I had terrible leg cramps which I tend to get when I have sweated to the point of dehydration. Irrigation is saving the garden which is producing well.  We are picking blackberries, tomatoes, cucumbers and green beans.

I have learned in recovery to not take things personally, yet I still do that on occasion.  I fight with the notions of rejection and abandonment.  Probably this will be a life long struggle for me.  My father comes to me in dreams. I wait for him and he does not show up. Instead, I find him drinking in a bar, or I walk home and find him drunk at the kitchen table.

In my last dream, I was pouring out bottles of booze while saying the Serenity Prayer.  I awake from these nightmares, shaking and disoriented.  It is PTSD, and I know that the best thing for me to do is to get busy and remember that the dreams are feelings that are coming up, flashbacks to pieces of events from long ago.

Am I happy?  I believe that I am optimistic and reasonably happy.  Some moments are filled with such joy that I feel incredible gratitude.  Other days, I am getting by.  Today is one in which I am getting by.  But that can change if I take some action to make the day better.  I plan on having a good dinner with C. after riding this evening.  Then we will pick blackberries and maybe watch a movie.  I have the ability to make the changes needed to have happiness.

 

Taking time to breathe

Time has slipped away from me once again in a string of days.  I am having the time of my life.  Not being in a demanding job has freed me up in a lot of ways. I'm no longer scheduled in my life.  Blogging used to be on a schedule of a daily write.  I don't feel the need to do that anymore.  And I don't feel guilty. Well....maybe a little because I wonder what each of you is doing and if you are okay. 

My hobbies of sailing and riding and working out at the gym keep me physically fit and sane.  My service in Al-Anon keeps me spiritually fit in a compassionate and humble way.  And I have the usual life stuff to do like car maintenance, yard work, gardening, house chores--I hate calling them honey do's because I live here and share the house with an amazing person so I am glad to do my part in our partnership.  

I love everything I do, but I also need time to not do anything and just be. The boat is my best escape for that.  No people around--just me, the waves and the wind. If I don't get that time to myself, then I can feel the gypsy soul take over. I need the recharge time to be the free spirit that I now embrace.  

Having been a driven scientist for decades, I hardly know that person now.  Who was that guy? He thought that what he was working on was the most important thing.  He had to publish a certain number of papers every year and get multiple grants.  He had to do a lot of administrative BS that felt like sheer drudgery. He sat in an office overlooking a beautiful harbor and hardly ever looked out the window.  Most every day, he was tied to the computer, analyzing data and writing.  It was hard to shake off the harness and simply be free. Add to that the stress of living with an alcoholic, and life was not a lot of fun.  

I now take time to breathe.  I have space in my life now.  I make the space and the time to do what I feel is good for my mental and spiritual health.  I don't know how long I will have the stamina to keep sailing, riding, and cross train. I am hoping that I have at least 20 good years left.  But I don't know about any of that.  I just have this day that's ahead of me.  And it seems good and filled with promise.  

I hope that you have some breathing room in your life.  Some time to just be and refuel your purpose and your spirit. 

A boundary on drunk dialing

The picnic was a fun time. We had about 15 people, most either in Al-Anon or AA, who ate, talked and strolled around the grounds.  The weather cooperated so there wasn't any late afternoon thunderstorms.  Everyone left saying that the food was excellent which makes us happy that no one goes away hungry.

It's so good to be able to have friends over and not worry that anyone is going to get drunk, stay until 1 AM, or throw up in the bathroom.  And to hear so much laughter and happy talk from a bunch of people who aren't drinking alcohol is remarkable, especially when the social scene in this town seems to mostly revolve around people drinking.

So yesterday, we chilled out.  We had plenty of left overs so there was no need to cook anything.  We did go out to check on the garden and picked enough blueberries to have them with meals this week. All was going really well until I got the call last night from my recently deceased cousin's wife.

She was drunk and slurring, ranting and screaming into the phone.  She had traveled back to their home to spend a couple of days. Somehow my cousin's death notice had gotten on the internet, and a friend had called her to say how sorry he was that R. had died.  This made her angry because she now fears that she won't be safe in the house once people know her husband is dead--this being a house that hasn't been lived in for about six years because they were both staying at her mother's house in another part of the state to be near the major medical hospital there.  She kept yelling over and over that "No one had the right to put that he had died in the paper or on the internet".  I explained that his death notice is part of the public record and couldn't be hidden from people.

N. was also telling me how she had done everything she could for my cousin and didn't think that she was responsible for his death.  There was more ranting about his mother and how her shadow person had sucked the life from him.  More tears and drunken mumbling.  This went on for about 40 minutes during which time I was  doing my best to get off the phone with her without being rude. Finally, I told her that I was going to hang up because she needed to get some rest.

I have now decided that I won't answer any more calls from her in the evening.  I am hoping that her drunken call was a one time occurrence.  I know that she used to drink and party quite a bit before she and my cousin married.  She would occasionally get drunk when I would visit them, but over the past 8 years, she has been sober and caring for him.  Now that he is gone, I hope that she doesn't start drinking with regularity.  It's not my problem, and I plan to keep it that way.  Thankfully, she is two states away.  No service is planned, so I won't be going up there to visit.

It's strange that I felt angry at myself for listening to her go on and on.  I wished that I had told her after about ten minutes that I had to go.  Next time, I won't answer. If I do talk to her and she is irrational, I will get off the phone.  I sat through one phone call and that's enough.  I am sorry that she has lost the love of her life.  I feel compassion and sadness about that.  But I am done now with the irrational blaming, anger, and drunken mumblings.  I cannot have a sensible conversation with a drunk.  And I don't have to.

Evidently, drunk dialing has become a problem phenomenon. The New York Times reports:
".......drunk dialing usually limits itself to times long after the close of business and beyond the daily commute. It is in those dark hours of late night and wee hours of early morn, when most people have retired their cellphones for overnight charging, that intoxicated revelers flip open their cellphones and dial into regret."

I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone. I get drunk, and I drive my wife away with breath like mustard gas and roses. And then, speaking gravely and elegantly into the telephone, I ask the telephone operators to connect me with this friend or that one, from whom I have not heard in years.—Kurt Vonnegut

'Nuff said.

Taking action and letting go

I want to thank all of you for comments about my cousin, R.  And I am especially grateful to Mary Christine who offered her suggestion to contact a patient advocate or chaplain.  I did just that this morning.

I have been turning my cousin's situation over in my mind and given it to my HP.  But the feeling I had this morning when I read Mary Christine's comment was that I needed to make a call.  I simply felt it was what I needed to do.

So I called the hospital and talked to my cousin's case worker.  I told him what was going on, explained that he had an advance health care directive (AHCD), and waited for him to say something. He told me that he could not give me any information due to HIPPA and that I needed to talk to R's wife.  I explained that I wasn't wanting information because I had talked to R's wife many times about him. But what I wanted was to give the hospital information that he does have an AHCD.

It is now out of my hands.  I don't feel particularly settled about this.  I suppose I was wanting something more than telling me I could talk to an attorney or his wife. But I did what felt right to me.  I did what I thought I would want done if I were in a situation of wasting away with sores and tubes.  I gave information, and if it is useful so be it.

I will give his wife a call later. And I am going to suggest to her as kindly as I can that she let him go.  What she does is not something I can control.  I can't have this eating at me anymore.

I am going on the boat for a couple of days, leaving this evening.  I will check in with photos of the beautiful weather we are having. Yesterday, it was near 80 here.  And the next few days are expected to be equally as beautiful and warm.

Thanks again to you, the blogging community, for the thoughts and comments and love that you put out there. It is much appreciated.

Not much has changed

We are back from four heavenly days on the boat.  It did rain and storm, but only for a fraction of the time. The rest was restful and filled with swimming, beach walking, reading, sleeping and eating.  Once again, I am transformed when I get away on the boat.  I sleep well and can clear my mind of everything. I didn't even get on the iPad much.  Life just floats by, like the tide, when I am on the boat.

By Sunday, we had eaten most all of the really healthy food.  We pulled the anchor and headed to a picnic that was being held at one of the local yacht clubs.  The place is pretty nice, not fancy, but it has a great new pier where we were able to tie up.  We sat under the oak trees watching the thunderheads move in, knowing that there was going to be a severe storm about the time the picnic started. We weren't disappointed as rain came down in sheets, forcing everyone to move inside.

As I was walking around the dining room, I couldn't help but notice photos of the Commodores.  All were white men in navy jackets.  Later, a group of us were talking, and a couple of people were asking about membership.  My wife asked why there were no women Commodores.  Another lady said, "Well, only men can be members.  Ladies can be part of the Ladies Auxiliary." And forget the idea that there were any African-Americans allowed to be members.  I just don't get this form of exclusivity.  I know that if you have a private club, you can apparently do as you please.  But it still takes be aback that in this day and age, white men still seem to think that they are the most important and have to guard their position.  Fear or ego?

I did a bit of digging and found this from 1957 in which a question was posed as to whether women should be allowed as full members of the US Power Squadron:


RODDIE WILLIAMS
Mayor of Hamilton, Bermuda, owner of the cutter Undina
Yes. Many women can handle a sailing yacht as well as men. They are expert helmsmen and they are handy with the sails, even in heavy weather. Women are also useful in the galley, serving cocktails and tidying up. Besides, it's always nice to have the pleasure of a lady's company on board.

MRS. LOUISE MILES
Co-owner of cruiser Frelousan, Myrtle Beach, S.C.
No. Most women who like boating don't want to crash the membership of the U.S. Power Squadrons. They feel there are times when men should get away from their wives for an occasional healthy vacation. I hope the men won't give in to the few militant women on this issue.

TEMPLE WANAMAKER
U.S. Consul at Nassau, Bahamas
Only on an amendment to the constitution of the U.S. Power Squadrons which now limits membership to males. Women are active in almost everything. They serve as WAVES in the Navy and SPARs in the Coast Guard, but they do not go to sea. Perhaps women should compete with men.

WINNIE SANDS
Owner of the Enchantress
Nassau, Bahamas
No. The majority of the members in the U.S. Power Squadrons are opposed to women members. Sure, the men like to get away from their wives, but they know that most women are poor seamen. The Miami Beach Rod and Reel Club admitted women for one year, then threw them out.

COL. HENRY R. DUTTON
General Manager British Colonial Hotel
Nassau, Bahamas
Today women are contenders in all sports. Few men do a better job on my boat Argus than my wife, Edna, when it comes to handling sheets or taking the wheel. The Power Squadrons are saying: "What's left for the men?" My answer is: "We still have the women. God bless them."

MRS. EVELYN CRISE
Owner of the cruiser Golden Fleece, Miami
Absolutely not. There are some things men can do better than women. Boating is one of them. How many women could take a cruise from New York to Nassau? The one who can is a very rare exception. No woman will seriously argue. So why should women be members of the Power Squadrons?

OTTO FUERST
New York, Stockbroker and railroad director
Women should have full membership. They are more careful than men in handling power cars or boats. Anything an intelligent woman sets her mind to she can do. Cleopatra controlled Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony. She could also captain a trireme as skillfully as any navigator.

BOBBY SYMONETTE
Commodore Nassau Yacht Club
If the Power Squadrons don't want them, no. The English Royal Yacht Squadron and the Miami Beach Rod and Reel Club don't allow women members. The Royal Bermuda Yacht Club only recently capitulated for their annex. Few women are qualified to take a boat out in any weather.

ANN DAVISON
Who sailed the 23-foot Felicity Ann across the Atlantic alone
There is no compelling reason why they should be admitted and there's no point in trying to compete with the men. If you look on the Power Squadrons as a Naval reserve for war, do we women really want to get into it? Frankly, all the men I know who sail, sail much better than I do.

RICHARD I. N. WEINGART
Owner of the yacht  Serendip, New York City
Yes. My wife took the course sponsored by the North River Power Squadron in New York and finished second with an average of 99%. Once, when the skipper and I were green to the gills, she took charge. The Power Squadrons are always ready to help the Coast Guard. Why not a women's division?

It is an awakening to me to know that there were a few enlightened people around back then, but to realize how little things have changed in some arenas still takes me aback.  Equality may be what is law, but separatism and segregation is still alive and well.  Some days I want to apologize for being a white male.

The Black Dog

My wife is in the midst of a depression.  She has been to see a therapist and is starting with a new psychiatrist next week.  Talking with her is difficult because  she tends to hold everything within.  She works all day to stay busy and to chase the sadness away.  It's difficult for me to see her like this because every part of me wants to help her, make her feel better.  Yet, I know that isn't possible.

I realize that the black dog is within me at times too.  But at this time, I can't feel anything but acceptance and compassion. I am not depressed but filled with  hope.  Honestly,  it seems that for the better part of our marriage there has been either alcohol or some other issue that has pulled at us.  Yet, here we are: Two people who love each other but who struggle with our own demons, sometimes separately and sometimes together as a force against what tries to pull us apart.

I am continuing to do those things that I enjoy, although I am concerned about my beautiful wife.  My hope is that she will be able to shake what has caused her such anxiety, let it go, and stop blaming herself for the problems of others.  She feels sad because her mother stayed with her father for so many years, probably emotionally battered by his alcoholic behavior.  She feels anger and sadness for her father who she no longer wants to visit.  She expressed her frustration that over the past year, she has had a heart attack, had to be responsible for her parents and their financial affairs, and hasn't really had a chance to do the things that she wants to do.

I could explain that her parents are well taken care of, her health is now good, her mother is now apart from her father and made her own choices over the years, but I know that all I really need to say is, "I love you and am here."

"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me." ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Turning point

The rain is coming down today and is supposed to last until the afternoon.  I'm enjoying being at home.  The door to the porch is open, letting in the clean smell of rain.  I slept in until 7 AM which is unusual when I'm home.  But today, I don't have anything special to do, no schedule.

Last night, the Tuesday night group had a nice celebration for one of the long time members in Al-Anon.  She celebrated 30 years and talked about the turning point for her.  It came when she was told that her alcoholic son had a Higher Power of his own, and she wasn't it.  To her, that simple statement meant that she could stop trying to force her will on her son.  She could let him go to find his way, entrusting him to a power greater than herself.  I have heard her story many times and remembered the first time she shared that she could finally not carry all the burdens of others on her shoulders.  Her words helped me to shrug off the weight that I carried for so long.

Vanity, ego and stubbornness were my enemies when dealing with others.  If only the person would do what I said, then all would be okay.  But people have their own minds, their own time table, and their own shortcomings.  It was presumptuous of me to think that I could make another person do as I wanted. The cost in energy to my being was huge.

Now when I see a person stumble,  I offer my hand, a word of encouragement, but I don't try to fix or change them.  Many times I have bitten my tongue when I see what I think are mistakes a person is making. But who am I to say whether what they do is a mistake?  Their beliefs and actions are theirs to own.  I know that our paths may diverge and that is okay.

At some point, there will be a turning point for each of us, a place where we either realize that the path we are following is folly or one that will lead us to where we were hoping to go.

In every life there is a turning point. A moment so tremendous, so sharp and clear that one feels as if one's been hit in the chest, all the breath knocked out, and one knows, absolutely knows without the merest hint of a shadow of a doubt that one's life will never be the same.— Julia Quinn

Commitments to the moment

I have a couple of things on my agenda over the next two weeks.  One is a meeting today to become an advisor for a local non-profit group that is conducting a study of water quality in the Harbor.  I don't have any idea what the work load will be so I want to find out more before I formally accept.

I have to say that I'm enjoying the freedom of not having too many commitments. I generally go to three Al-Anon meetings a week, meet with a couple of sponsees,  workout with a personal trainer twice a week,  and go to a couple of sailing club meetings a month.  I have freed my schedule so that a couple of days a week, I don't leave the property.  It feels good to not have "must do" things hanging over my head.  Sailing and visiting the parents-in-law are things that I do, but without a set schedule.  So, I am cautious about taking on more things.

A major commitment that I have made is to attend Sea School in June so that I may obtain my Captain's license.  I have been prepping for this through other courses over the past couple of years, and now it's time to do the final preparation to take the Coast Guard exam.  This will involve three intense weekends back to back, Friday through Sunday, and will include an upgrade to Master.  I have no idea what I will use the license for as the idea of chartering my sailboat is not something that I want to do.  But that may change at some point.  I know that doing eco-tours is something I enjoy, but dealing with the public on my boat feels like a serenity breaker.

Lately, I've been thinking about commitment with sponsoring.  I called a few fellows I took through the steps and made plans to meet up with one of them next week for lunch. I hear from two others on a regular basis and am working through the steps with another one every Tuesday.  I haven't heard from a couple of the others for months. I know that they still attend meetings, but I no longer feel connected to what they are doing.  A friend suggested that without regular contact,  I am no longer their sponsor.  I don't have hard rules about their calling me on a regular basis.  But I would still like to be connected to them.  So I have called each person.  The rest is not up to me.

Also, I haven't had face to face time with my local sponsor in a couple of months.  He emails and we occasionally talk on the phone. I feel disconnected there as well.  I don't think there is a substitute for having face to face time.  I talk to my original sponsor weekly.  He is adjusting to life on the other coast.  I know that no matter what, I can pick up the phone and give him a call, and he will listen to what I have to say.

Perhaps, the first experience with a sponsor is the one that sticks and is the yardstick for all others.  I don't know, but I often long for those times when we would read and study the steps together.  I feel like I am on my own now.  Yet, I know that there are friends in program I can talk to.  Somehow, it just isn't the same as having a sponsor who knows all about me.

I have often longed for the way things used to be--fresh starts, beginnings in relationships and knowledge.  I see such sentiment as the melancholy part of my personality that doesn't like changes that involve loss.  But I know the solution is to be in this day and this moment.  And to take action that will be positive and progressive.  Every day can be a fresh start.

Saturday afternoon

We are out on the boat for the weekend, anchored behind the undeveloped island with the miles of pristine beach. I am still coughing from the cold that has been kicking my butt for a few days. But there is spaghetti sauce with lots of garlic simmering on the galley stove, and we just finished off a bowl of boiled peanuts so life isn't bad.

The weather has turned delightfully cool. A front came through last night dropping temperature to the 50's. It is such a change from yesterday when it was in the mid 80's.

The lunch with my sponsor was good. It was nice for a few of us to get together. Next week, we are hosting a little going away party at our house. He will be leaving on October 14.

The search for a local sponsor is over. I have asked a fellow that I have known since I came in to co-sponsor me. We get along, but I haven't developed the special connection that I felt when I met my first sponsor. Maybe the feeling will come in time. I also know how desperate I was at first to get better. I don't feel that terrible desperation now. Maybe I am looking for a substitute, and there isn't one. Each person is different. It takes time and a lot of trust to develop any kind of special relationship.

Well, the spaghetti sauce is ready. I am going to check the pasta, light a candle, listen to jazz, and enjoy being in this special place. Wishing you a good Saturday.

Working on love

Yesterday, C. and I got up early and went for a long walk.  The temperature and humidity are starting to be bearable.  We took three dogs with us who had a great time sniffing, leaving pee mail, and cavorting.

After the walk we went for a sail.  I haven't just sailed to be sailing about for a while.  Generally, there is a destination.  But I think that having a few hours every Wednesday, regardless of weather, to go sailing is a good idea.  It was a lovely breezy day, making the whole experience a delight.  After that we cooked dinner on the boat and then headed home. We were both asleep by 10:30 PM which is early for me.

I don't think that we could have gotten through the day without a lot of angry words a few years ago. Although we still have a long way to go,  I think that our love has deepened over time.  I can see progress in trusting, not isolating, not blaming, and knowing how to express our feelings.  I still want to draw her closer when she withdraws. 

I understand though that there has to be balance in a relationship.  I can see that we are becoming more balanced and that emotional detachment doesn't scare me as much as it used to.  Some of us are capable of great, fierce love.  Others love the only way that they know how.  I have learned that my insecurities about how to love and being loved don't have to be a struggle.

I hear a friend tell me that he is starving for love.  He loves his wife but cannot take the emotional withdrawal and self-absorption of the dry drunk alcoholic.  Their views of love don't match.  He believes his wife loves him but doesn't know how to express love in a mature way.  He wants balance in the relationship and an equally loving partner. It may or may not happen.

Living with an alcoholic can be so lonely.  My choice was to take care of myself and not try to make the other person fulfill all my emotional needs.  The most important question for me became, "Do I love myself?" I am still working on that.
 

Why I need to have healthy boundaries

Most of us who come to Al-Anon build walls to hide the pain of a life with alcoholism.  I started building those walls when I was a kid, trying to cover up my shame and creating a fantasy world through reading and walling myself off from the dysfunction.  What I didn't realize at the time was that I had only some broken down fences with which to establish boundaries for myself.

When I first heard about boundaries, I knew that I had breached many with a lot of people. And I had no good idea how to establish those that I needed to take care of myself other than by isolating. By admitting that I was powerless over others and accepting that I could not make anyone do anything, I have gradually learned that a healthy boundary is one that I can enforce.   It isn't one in which I ask the other person to establish the boundary for me.

I can remember warning my wife before going to parties that we would have to leave if she drank too much--as if that had any affect on her.  I couldn't control her drinking.  I couldn't make her leave.  What I realize now is that a good boundary would be saying, "I'm going to leave".  That is a boundary that I can stick by.

Broken down fences are like broken down defenses because I'm left vulnerable to whatever may decide to jump, slide under, or glide through the fence. And I've had to shore up my boundaries with those who are potentially "toxic". 
It's a familiar thing in Al-Anon. How to deal with someone in our life who is causing a great deal of pain? Detaching with love and setting boundaries are good ways to do that.

I realize that people who don't have a positive input into my life can be draining.  I have to decide what is best for me.  This is not an easy solution but one that I have come to understand by putting my best interests first.  I simply don't have much time for those who are selfish and think only of themselves.

In the past, putting the needs of others first and mine last has done a lot of damage.  I now look at damage limitation  because my energy resources are low, my physical resources are limited, my emotional resources have been battered and I have been beaten down so badly for many years.  I have to be kind to myself so that I stand even a chance to recover from the affects of alcoholism and find some quality in my life.

So I have learned that I do not have to take on the whole world's needs before looking to my own. Others forget I have needs, because I have not shown them I do.  I would be strong regardless of how bad I felt.  I thought that not being otherwise would leave me vulnerable.  I now know that I have a right to have needs too.  I do not surround myself with totally selfish people who have no thought for me except to use me to make themselves feel better or as a sounding board for all they cannot cope with, with no regard to what that does to me.

I got to the point before the program that I didn't like hurtful people in my life, but I also didn't know how to get them out of my life or how to detach from them. It has taken me a while to realize that I don't have to like everyone nor do I have to stick around those people who have the potential to be harmful to me. I used to try to ignore them but found that it's hard to ignore the elephant in the living room. Turning the other cheek never worked because I would just get slapped on the other one. And I don't wish to be a martyr. Now, I'm done with people that I don't want to be with. I inventory myself and make a decision on whether I want the drama or the potential of a serenity "breaker".

"In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for "finding himself." If he persists in shifting his responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence." Thomas Merton

A nice evening

We are out shrimping tonight. The poles are out and the bait balls have been thrown around each one. We are sitting at anchor waiting for the sun to go down.



The marsh is filled with the sound of clapper rails. A gentle breeze is blowing. There is just a hint of coolness in the air, enough to warrant a long sleeved shirt. This is a truly lovely time of day.

I don't know whether we will catch any shrimp. It's really just being here that is fun. We make quite the duo for this adventure. I will be casting and C. will be driving the boat. She promised not to throw me off the bow, and I promised not to entangle her in the net.

Today was a good meeting on choices. Don't we have a lot of those in this life? Some of mine have been good and some were just knee jerk choices. Today I have the advantage of a program that tells me to inventory my feelings and to consider my motives for the choices I make. I believe that when my head and heart are aligned, I am being guided by my Higher Power to the right choice.



Tonight the choice is to enjoy a beautiful evening, have some fun, and maybe catch some dinner as an added bonus.

PS: We caught about five pounds which means there were about 0.2 shrimp per cast.  But the main thing is we had a great time and a lot of hope: "They are going to start coming out of the marsh at any minute" or "Maybe the next cast will have 25 shrimp in the net" or "Things will start to pick up soon" and then finally resignation: "Well, we have enough for shrimp and grits".  Always the optimist! 

I don't want to be all things to all people

I have been attending a study group that is currently focusing on the traditions.  We finished up Tradition five last week: Al-Anon has but one purpose to help families and friends of alcoholics. It really states our singleness of purpose in the program. But what struck me though was the idea that I can't be all things to all people.

The reading says " My primary concern is and must be my personal recovery. I cannot give to someone else something that I don't have." How true that is and it's something that I have only put into practice since being in the program.

I used to try to do everything that was asked of me. And then I would volunteer for more. If someone had expectations of me, then I tried to fulfill them. Now I know that I was running myself down trying to do what others wanted me to do. I was trying to be all things to all people and neglecting who I was.

Now I decide what I want to do and don't try to cram too much into one day. If I don't accomplish what I need to do in this day, then hopefully with the grace of my HP there will be another day coming. I don't get swamped in guilt to do the bidding of others. I show up for my meetings. I am there when I tell someone that I will be.  And I am here to do what I can to be a member of this household and take care of things in partnership here.

What's important is that what I do now, I do because it feels right. The demands made by others of my free time are not compelling reasons for me to lose my serenity. I can make choices to limit the things that I want to do.  And what a luxury that is these days.  I am finding many ways to spend my time on those things that I have dreamed about for years.  And for the most part, I am enjoying every moment.

Immediate solutions

Today I awoke to peaceful rain coming down.  It was pouring when I left to go to the noon meeting.  There weren't many people there today but it was still good.  There really aren't too many bad meetings that I've attended.

After the meeting,  I left to meet up with a couple of sponsees.    One of the fellows is working on Step Nine.  He is doing well and has put a lot of energy into working on recovery.   He is going through a  rough time right now with his marriage and is holding on for dear life to this raft of recovery.  Amazing how we can float to quiet waters by using the tools of the program. 

The other sponsee has had a lot of excuses lately.  For some it takes some time to get honest and to really want to do the work once the pain of living with active alcoholism has been removed.  All anyone wants initially is to feel better.  Sometimes feeling better can be like removing a splinter from under our skin--I think that the immediate solution is great because the pain is gone, but there still may be some infection that I need to take care of. 

When we first come to Al-Anon, the alcoholic is seen as the immediate source of pain. I, like many others, focused anger and frustration on her.  But I came to see that I needed to look at myself and my attitudes.  What were my motives for staying in a bad situation?  Who was making me accept unacceptable behavior? I had to work to change my attitude.  And in doing so I learned about my own self-worth and grew spiritually.  The emphasis eventually was lifted from the alcoholic and placed where it needed to be--on me. 

Al-Anon has been like a salve that I put on my wounded spirit.  I am glad that I got the full treatment. As it's read in a meeting: "Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it".  I may not be cured but at least for now I am on the road to recovery.  

Dogged and worse

I talked with my sponsor this morning.  During the conversation I mentioned that one of the events at the Al-Anon convention was lead by a declared alcoholic who also happens to be a GR for a group that he started in the area.  He is energetic, enthusiastic and glad to be of service.  The conundrum is that he is also an active member of one of the open AA meetings that I attend.  I see him there when I go, have heard him declare himself an alcoholic, and see him as a GR at our district meeting.

I know, as does my sponsor, that the World Service manual is clear that alcoholics cannot start an Al-Anon meeting nor can they serve at the level of GR.  I've written about that before on here.  My sponsor sees no problem that someone with long-term sobriety would serve as a GR.  I disagree simply because I do believe that these are separate fellowships.  Once an alcoholic serves as GR,  regardless of how enthusiastic the person is, then a precedent is set in which others will do the same.  I know that we both have strong feelings in opposition here.

There is a district meeting coming up in March.  I am struggling with whether to bring this up as a topic under new business.  Perhaps it could be handled by copying information from the service manual and stressing that "double winners" don't serve in GR capacities.  But what if the alcoholic remains silent and decides to continue as GR and the "leader" for the group?  It is a question of how dogmatic I want to be and whether I want to push the point.

One part of me says "back off" because feelings will be hurt.  The other part of me believes so much in the traditions and in keeping Al-Anon at the level of GR and above for just Al-Anons. I go to open AA meetings and don't share, much less sign up for service. I have no problem at all with other service positions being fulfilled by "double winners". They may sponsor, serve as secretary, treasurer, work in outreach, and do a host of other service activities.  And alcoholics have the right to the same recovery that I have found in the Al-Anon fellowship.  The only requirement for membership is that they are affected by alcoholism in a relative or friend.

My father used to tell me that I always wanted to carry my point.  I wonder whether this is another example of the dogmatism that has served me well at achieving goals over the years. But hurting others due to a dogmatic attitude is a different thing.  I am going to pray about this and see what my inventory tells me.  Do I need to just say "how important is it?" or do I need to make it important?

Alone with the killer

Following yesterday's post, I was thinking (sometimes dangerous for me) about how a perceived feeling of hopelessness can feed on itself, growing tentacles until it permeates every fiber of our being. I've sat in restaurants, which is one of my favorite places to people watch, and observed how alone people seem even when they are with another. Just a few days ago, I watched the blank stares of a middle aged couple, intent on chewing and staring at their mashed potatoes as if they were tea leaves foretelling the future.

I would wonder what these two were thinking. And why weren't they looking at each other, or saying something even if it was a trite comment such as "This gravy is a little watery." Yet, each seemed oblivious to the other, each lost in thought. Unfortunately, I don't think that this is unique. From my own experience, I've been in a room of over a hundred people and felt as alone as if I were on an iceberg floating in the southern ocean.

Such retreating inside my head was never a good choice for me. And that's because I tend to think too much, over analyzing just about everything. I often catch myself talking out loud when there is nobody in the room. Although most of you will say, "okay Syd, you are over the edge and ready for the rubber room", I can tell you that speaking something out loud that is stuck in a "do loop" in my head helps.

I think that is probably because I need to export the stuff that I'm thinking out of my head. I need to get out of myself and stop having a monologue about me. Because when I'm in my own head, oblivious to what or who is around me, then I am alone with the "killer".

This "killer" keeps me isolated, insecure and full of fear. It keeps me unaware, shut down, and will eventually kill all joy that I could experience. So what I see on many faces as I people watch is that they are alone with their "killer". I can see the thoughts grinding in their head as they chew their food. I don't know what their thoughts are, but I can bet that they aren't about adventure, excitement, joy, or spontaneity.

Suffering in silence seems to be a tragic part of alcoholism. One of the astounding things about being in recovery is that all the silent suffering I did, all the intellectualizing, all the hurtful thoughts that I kept inside, did nothing to make the problem go away. In fact, it only made me feel worse. I think each of us has been alone with the "killer", but I don't have to do that anymore. I may still suffer, but I don't have to do it alone.

I think that is one of the greatest things about recovery. I get to sit in a room full of other people several times a week, listen to them, be aware of their tears, their laughter, their smiles, their fidgeting hands and legs, and become free of what is in my own head. And instead of talking out loud to the ether, I get to say to others, and to my Higher Power, what is on my mind, and they get it. That is an awesome thing.

How does your garden grow?

It seems we've always had a vegetable garden. There was a large one with corn, strawberries, tomatoes, snap and butter beans, and corn when I was a kid. It was my job to water the tomato plants and pick the beans.

I would haul buckets of water from the house to the garden--back and forth toting a five gallon bucket to keep the plants from dying. I don't remember getting much in the way of allowance for doing that. It was just something that my father told me to do, so I did it. And it wasn't something that I particularly wanted to do.

But his tomato and strawberry plants were his favorites. He would carefully remove the suckers from the tomatoes. He liked the Big Boy and Better Boy varieties. These plants would grow to be over six feet, and he put wire cages around them so that they wouldn't bend or be broken in wind.

I learned about side dressing the tomatoes with fertilizer. And often fish carcasses were buried next to the plants. My father said that they were good for growth. I remember not wanting to pour too much water at a time on a plant because I didn't want to unearth a smelly fish carcass.

The tomato plants are in the garden now. The first suckers have been removed. The lettuce is coming up. The herbs are doing great. I don't have to drag buckets of water these days. There's an irrigation system set up to drip water into the neat rows of wooden boxes that contain the plants.

It's a great sense of satisfaction to see the plants growing and thriving. They do well in spring before the heat of summer starts to get to them.

I like the earthy smell of the garden. There aren't any fish carcasses there. But the smell of sage, rosemary, and sweet basil provide a great aroma. And every time a sucker is pinched off a plant, I smell that pungent tomato plant smell on my fingers. It takes me back in a good way to times past.

It takes work to have a garden. I learned that years ago toting water. There's weeding, fertilizing, checking for insects and blight. But the reward of tasting that first home grown tomato makes it all worthwhile. I think that my father would agree on that and be smiling to see the blooms and the little green fruit starting to appear.

There is no easier softer way

I always like the part in the Big Book from "How It Works" about thinking that "......we could find an easier softer way. But we could not". In Al-Anon, there isn't an easier softer way either. No, we're not in imminent danger of drinking ourselves to death, but we are in danger of a slow, painful emotional death.

I've read a few blogs recently where people are trying an easier, softer way in my opinion. And I listen to this in meetings too. They are making a few meetings if there's time, they are reading a daily reader, but they still feel miserable. And yet, they wonder why.

My experience has been that there is no easier softer way. Half-measures do nothing but prolong the agony. Here are the "steps" that I took to find some peace of mind:

1. I got myself a sponsor. I trusted what I'd heard that I needed one. And so I found the person who would be my guide at my third Al-Anon meeting.

2. I did what my sponsor told me to do. I called every day, I did the readings, I went to several meetings a week, including open AA meetings.

3. I worked the steps. I didn't complain or worry that they would be too difficult. I wanted peace and serenity. I saw that in the faces of those who had worked the steps. I wanted what they had.

4. I started doing service work. I did little things at first...putting out literature, bringing food for meetings. Then I signed up to chair meetings. I told my story when asked to do so. I began to chair Beginner's meetings. And now I'm a GR as well as sponsor.

5. I didn't make up excuses. I work a demanding job. I sometimes don't get home until nearly 10 PM because I go from work to a meeting or to meet a sponsee. I'm not some kind of robot. I get tired and worn out. But this program is important enough to me that I give it time and energy.

6. I got honest with others and myself. I was done with denying things. I got a lot of stuff that had been haunting me off my chest. I realized that by getting rid of all the secrets that I had carried around for so long, I felt lighter in mind and body.

So if you're really looking to go down the road to recovery, then there is no easier, softer way. If you're content to stay stuck in the same pile of crap that you've been sitting in for all these years, then be my guest. I always liked that my sponsor would say, "it's nice and warm sitting in all that shit, but when you move around it stinks". Yes, it does. And being a half-person stinks too.

Thanks... I just needed to say these things.

Y not?

Judith of Vicarious Rising gave me the letter Y. When I think of this letter, there are a lot of words that come to mind. But symbolically, the letter itself is like a fork in the road or path that I need to choose. So here are my 10 Y things:

1. You--That's who I spent most of my life thinking about. Someone other than myself. I still find that you are an important part of my thoughts, just not the entire focus anymore. You has been replaced with more "I". That's part of my recovery.

2. Youth--Ah, youth. Who doesn't wish for that some days? I still feel young most of the time but without the angst of youth. Being young is a state of mind when you age. I don't have any desire to be the youth of my past, unless I could have the wisdom of today.

3. Yearning--This is a poignant one for me. I've yearned for something most of my life: acceptance and love primarily. Yearning for these things set me up for a lot of disappointments. And the things that I yearned for were right within my grasp, within myself. Yearning for the future was also futile when I know that I can just live in this day.

4. Yacht--this isn't a motor yacht but a sailing yacht. Specifically a Tayana, a Shannon, a Cabo Rico, or something like that. I love the lines of these traditional sailing vessels. There's something really appealing to me about a beautiful sailing yacht of the old school design.

5. Yogurt--I like mine with the plain vanilla flavor. It's one of my favorite snacks.

6. Yeti--I've always been fascinated by this hairy mythical beast. I remember seeing the blurry photograph of a yeti and thinking, "Wow, what if this is true?" It was probably a drunk guy in a gorilla suit but still the idea of an unknown species of man fascinates me.

7. Yellow--the color of brightness: sunflowers, yellow submarines, the sun, leaves in fall. And the ground breaking movie, I Am Curious--Yellow. I never saw a yellow streak down anyone's back, but I know that cowardice exists in other forms.

8. Yule--I'm not nordic but like the Yule traditions in Sweden. I have a couple of Julstackes that I bought and have up at Christmas. I have always burned a yule log at Christmas--it's really just a huge piece of oak that burns most of the day.

9. Yin Yang--I like this Chinese concept of opposites within a greater whole. I seem to be involved in love with the Yin to my Yang. I find the following fascinating (from Wikipedia):

"The relationship between yin and yang is often described in terms of sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. Yin (literally the 'shady place' or 'north slope') is the dark area occluded by the mountain's bulk, while yang (literally the 'sunny place' or 'south slope') is the brightly lit portion. As the sun moves across the sky, yin and yang gradually trade places with each other, revealing what was obscured and obscuring what was revealed. Yin is usually characterized as slow, soft, insubstantial, diffuse, cold, wet, and tranquil. It is generally associated with the feminine, birth and generation, and with the night. Yang, by contrast, is characterized as hard, fast, solid, dry, focused, hot, and aggressive. It is associated with masculinity and daytime."

I like the picture of sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. And the symbol for yin-yang has always intrigued me.

10. Yield--This is something that I don't do well. I would think of a rebuttal, a "yes, but" response. I don't like being controlled and yielding smacks of that. I'm learning that boundaries are important in deciding when to yield or not.

There you have it. The Y words that came to mind for me. Let me know if you want a letter. I'll be glad to toss one your way.

Ambivilance

It seems as if this weekend has crawled by. Usually, the weekend seems to just fly past. I suppose that's because the time is spent on the boat where I wish time could be suspended.

Instead of the boat, I spent yesterday inside most of the day. I got up at 3:30 AM to take a good friend to the airport. He is leaving town for a month to do some work. After dropping him off, I was both too tired to do anything of consequence but too awake to sleep. Ambivilance seemed to be the word for the day.

I'm taking care of his dog while he is gone. She is a happy girl but obviously misses him. She and I spent much of the day together with me reading and her asleep at my feet. I think that she just wanted the comfort of being near another human, all the while expecting her owner to come in calling her name. I think that she was feeling a bit ambivilant too.

Today, I'm going to go down to the boat to check on things after the rains yesterday. I also have to go help a fellow get his computer up and going. And then, I'm going to pack for a work related trip to Florida next week. I wasn't sure that my travel would be approved with the budget crisis in this state. In a way, I wish that it hadn't been approved. I find most meetings to be unproductive and too long. Usually the conclusions are action items that require another meeting.

I guess that I'm feeling a bit tired today, yet I still feel as if I have to get several things done. Ambivilant again? So, I'm going to get going and make the day a positive one. That is something that I can chose to do.

I'll be on the road tomorrow and will catch up when I can. Have a good Sunday.