The God of my Understanding

I read yesterday that reknowned physicist Stephen Hawking said that God had no role in the creation of the universe. In his new book "The Grand Design," he says that given the existence of gravity, "the universe can and will create itself from nothing."  My first thought was that perhaps gravity is his Higher Power.

He further states, “Some would claim the answer ...... is that there is a God who chose to create the universe that way. It is reasonable to ask who or what created the universe, but if the answer is God, then the question has merely been deflected to that of who created God. In this view it is accepted that some entity exists that needs no creator, and that entity is called God. This is known as the first-cause argument for the existence of God. We claim, however, that it is possible to answer these questions purely within the realm of science, and without invoking any divine beings."

That's the wonder of this program--that I can have a God of my understanding that can be whatever is greater than I.  And that covers a lot of things, including gravity and many other forces of nature. 

Before Al-Anon, my Higher Power happened to be whoever I was in love with at the time.  I would spend most of my time thinking about that person.  That continued until there was irrefutable evidence that another person being my Higher Power was just not going to work.  For one thing,  there wasn't any unconditional love coming from people.  Eventually, even my parents couldn't give me that.  And relying on another person for my happiness turned out to be a big fiasco.  So I was left in disbelief and a whole lot of doubt. 

When I worked Steps Two and Three, the God of my understanding started out being the Al-Anon group itself.  I could see their collective wisdom for a long time, until I began to see that they too struggled.  I now have focused more on my HP as being a force of energy that encompasses all of those who are with me now and all those who have come before.  This "composite" spiritual being gently nurtures me and loves me regardless of my character defects. It is now a trust that I have and a confidence that no matter how bad things are, my HP that is something greater than me, will see me through. 

I feel closest to my HP when I'm near the water and watch the waves and might of the ocean. Even though there can be confused seas and turbulent times, there is an eternal rhythm to the waves given by the tides. Our lives will also ebb and flow but the HP will be there to keep us in rhythm.

Hope and Faith

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea. Antoine de Saint-Exupery


Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

I received this award from cw2smom. I appreciate receiving this award about keeping the Faith and having Hope.

I appreciate being given not only the award but the hope and faith that I received in this program. Before Al-Anon, I was always directing my hope towards the alcoholic. I was hoping that she would stop drinking; I hoped that she loved me; I hoped that someday I would be happy.

I heard in Al-Anon that there was hope for me. And in working the steps, I found that Step Two opened the door to the possibility that I might be able to get restored to sanity. My insanity meant that my emotions were dictated by the alcoholic who was a barometer of what was a right or wrong response. I always felt that I gave the wrong response.

At first, I only shared the pain that was within me because that was all that I knew what to do. I somehow felt that it was okay to let down my defenses and finally admit what a mess I was. If you looked in my eyes at those early meetings, I think that you would have seen emptiness.

At the meetings, I heard that there was HOPE which also means that when we can Help Ourselves Purge the Emptiness, then this program is working. I didn't need to give up hope, in fact I found much more hope than I had ever imagined.

Faith was something that took a little more time. I've come to learn that faith is a feeling that doesn't rest on logical proof or evidence. I have faith in a Higher Power, but I can't prove that Higher Power exists. I believe it though.

I found that in the Third and Eleventh Steps I could look back at my life and see the many ways that my Higher Power has acted on my behalf and walked beside me through many difficult times. I may not have seen or understood the guidance that I received at that time but eventually I developed faith in a Power greater than myself.

I have learned that my Higher Power can—and will—do for me what I cannot do for myself. I know with certainty that my Higher Power is working in my life. All I have to do is to accept things and people as they are. I do not have to stop questioning and trying to understand. Instead, I have come to realize that by doing those things, I am developing a stronger faith.

I have come to know myself better, and it is my ever deepening faith that allows me to be comfortable in my own skin, to show honest compassion, and to be of service.

Presidents' Day

Today is President's Day and for me that means that I have a day off. It is gray outside and chilly this morning. It looks like another good day to take it easy.

I've been reading quite a bit of history about John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. I didn't know much about Adams until I watched the mini-series on him and became fascinated by his erudite, dogmatic and tenacious ways. His relationship with his wife is truly moving. Even though they were separated by great distances for many years of their marriage, their friendship and love for each other never wavered. Tragically, their son Charles died of alcoholism. John Adams was never able to forgive his son for being an alcoholic, yet Abigail loved Charles with all her heart.

Thomas Jefferson has been a figure of history that I knew quite a bit about since he went to my alma mater the College of William and Mary, was born and bred a Virginian, visited the county where I grew up, and was studied in classes that I took. I also visited his famous house Monticello several times.

I'm currently reading a book Mr. Jefferson's Women that is a scholarly work on his relationship with women. He was somewhat of a misogynist and largely mistrusted women after his two proposals of marriage to Miss Burwell were turned down. He later married but lost his wife following childbirth. His relationship with his slave Sally Hemings has been the subject of much writing.

What I think is the most interesting aspect of the relationship of Adams and Jefferson is that they both died within hours of each other on July 4, 1826. Jefferson died a few hours before Adams, both having made amends for political enmity years before. They remained steadfast friends up until the time of their deaths. It seems that this was a moment that God decided to take these two men, within hours of each other who had both done so much to shape this nation. Another "came to believe" moment for me.

Saturday thoughts

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She was 95 when she died. She had lived a long life, but just as it does for all of us, our bodies eventually wear out. We get tired.

I shared at the meeting on Thursday in my story that one of the things that clearly showed me that there was a Power greater than myself was how I came to know about my mother's death. You see I actually knew about it before she died. And she knew about it also.

On the morning of her death, someone had come over to the house to visit us. It was a Sunday and I always went to visit my mother around noon on Sunday. About 11 AM, as I was talking to the lady who was visiting, I had a great feeling of urgency that I needed to be at the nursing home with my mother. I told my wife and the lady that I had to leave. I drove to the nursing home and when I turned the corner on my mother's hall, I saw the staff standing around and the head nurse standing there looking distressed. She told me that my mother had collapsed and the EMT's were working on her, trying to get her breathing. I watched as they carried her out and rode with them in the ambulance. But I knew that this was the end of her time here.

She had premonitions about her death as well. A few days before she died, she told me that she had a wonderful time going dancing with my father. He had come to pick her up the previous evening. My father had been dead for over 15 years.

I've read Hospice accounts of how the dying have premonitions and begin "traveling" before they are physically dead. My premonition of both my father and mother's deaths were an epiphany of sorts for me. I knew then that there was a Power greater than me who was leading me to be with them before they died, allowing us to connect in some manner before they moved on.

I'm thinking of my mother today and know that she and my dad are now dancing together.

Step Two and the miracle

Sometimes I go to meetings and hear the despair from newcomers, who are afraid that things will never change , that the alcoholic in their lives will not stop drinking . Fear is running their lives just as it did mine in the beginning. And I am reminded of how it used to be for me but thanks to Al-Anon I no longer fear change and know that regardless of what they do I will be okay.

What I have today that I had little of before is hope. And that has come through a lot of patience. Slowly I came to realize that there is nothing I can do about any one else but so much I can do for myself. My life has changed for the better and all I had to do was stick around and do what this program suggests. Although it is a simple program based on humility, faith, hope and love, it isn't an easy one. It means daily vigilance and moment to moment monitoring of what I am feeling and thinking. It is hard work but I have discovered that I am worth it.

So here is what I am hopeful about:

That I can recover from the problems of the past and it will lose the power to run my future.

That I can recover from the affects of alcoholism and become who my HP needs me to be.

That by example others in my life will follow me into recovery.

This program has done for me things that no therapist could ever do. And only my HP knows what is left for me to do. There is a lot to hope for if we just stick around and wait for the miracle.

Step Studies

I really like step studies. It may be my academic tendencies but there's something that really appeals to me about methodically going through the steps, reading literature on a step, answering questions and discussing each step. It's just comforting knowing that by studying and putting into practice each step, I can get better. And it's a wonderful thing to see the light finally dawn in me or someone else when we finally get it.

Last night was a study of Step Two--Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. There were about 45 people at this meeting. And you could hear in the sharing, gems from those who got it and were passing it on to those who are still struggling. One fellow said that this was his third meeting, and he wanted to feel the serenity that he could see on the faces of several that shared.

I felt that same thing when I started. There was an eagerness and a willingness to take in all that I heard and to have what others had. And every time I go to a meeting I am grateful for the serenity that I do have and for the hope that I hear from those who so honesty share. Staying in this day with a lot of gratitude.

Looking towards the light

I am grateful for a day at home yesterday, closeness of the dogs, mending fences with my SO, and those who called to check on me or email me after Tuesday night's drama. I'm back at work today, feeling renewed and inspired to go for a run at noon. It seems that when my head slips back into replaying the old tapes or I accept someone else's pain, then my energy just goes way down. But today is another day and it's filled with a lot of promise.

I do have great concern about one of my older dogs who hasn't been feeling well. She is at the vet's today to be checked out with more tests. I love my dogs. This old girl has been so special for so many reasons. She is now grizzled with grey on her head, paws, and behind. She is depressed from not feeling well, yet she still manages to wag her tail and look at me with adoration. I would like for her to be in your thoughts today.

I know that there is a plan for everything. There are those who will be around when the sun goes down and there are those who won't. I think about the loss of life this week and know that for some reason a disturbed person took away a lot of plans, hopes and dreams. As I heard Sister Maurice say, "All will be revealed in time." I know that there is a plan for me or I wouldn't be where I am today, feeling better about myself and looking at all the day has to offer. I am out of the darkness and looking towards the light today.

One Step Back and One Step Forward

After having a much needed meeting last night, I went to the nearby restaurant with some Al-Anons and a couple of AA fellows. We sat and talked about the roundup and other things related to the program. I had called home on the way to the meeting and after the meeting. Things seemed to be okay.

When I got home though the proverbial shit hit the fan. My SO started by saying that I had no interest other than with the program and that because we had such different interests, it seemed best for her to take a bedroom upstairs and for me to either move out or stay in the downstairs wing of the house. Needless to say, I was taken aback.

I would like to tell you that I detached with love and let go and let God. I would like to tell you that I just accepted that she was tired after a business meeting out of town and that all would be okay. But I reverted to my old behavior and tried to discuss the matter. Rather than just say, I'll talk to you tomorrow and let her sleep upstairs, I asked what was going on to bring this tirade about. So I got a lot of resentment lobbed my way, and I accepted it. As I was embracing all her resentments though, I realized that I didn't feel anger at her or any resentment myself. She said that she wanted things to be the way that they were. And I told her gently that wasn't possible because neither of us are the same people we once were. I told her that I was finally making some good friends in the fellowship and that it was good to get together after the meeting. I said that I was doing what I needed to do for me. Then, she lapsed into self-pity, claiming that it was all her fault with the drinking and that had driven me away. At this point, I just listened. I wanted to say, "No, it wasn't just the drinking that drove me away it was the depression, the self-pity, the martyrdom, and the lack of any interest in me until I started having outside interests myself." But no I didn't say anything. I just walked over and took her hand and said "let's go downstairs and get some sleep".

I got about 3 hours of sleep last night but thankfully today is a different day. She still is wallowing in self-pity to a degree but has gotten better as the day has worn on. I put some speaker tapes on and we listened to those. I took the day off today to be home and be around and try to get some rest. I wouldn't have been much good at work anyway.

What happened to me last night made me realize that it is so easy for me to get back into those behaviors that made me crazy and empty. Today, I'm thinking about Steps One through Three and going over them in my mind. After doing that this morning, I have found that today is a different day. One day at a time is all I can do.

"Today I have a chance to make a contribution to my sense of well-being. I can take some small action that will strengthen a relationship, pursue a goal, or help me to feel better about myself. I don't expect to dramatically alter my life. My goal is simply to move in a positive direction, knowing that major strides often begin with very small steps. " from Courage to Change

Meeting topic: Step Two

I was at a meeting last night where there were parents whose children are either alcoholics or drug addicts. Last week at the Tuesday meeting, I listened to the parents who had such hope before and during the holidays, cry out in dispair because their children had slipped and gone back to drugs or alcohol. It is hard for me to imagine the difficulty that these parents face in detaching from their child and admitting their powerlessness. One parent indicated last night that he had decided to file a warrant because his adult child has stolen from him. He said that it was an agonizing decision but one that he had to do in order to quit enabling the addict. Another parent is dealing with a daughter who blames him for the mother's alcoholism. And yet another mother is in pain because her daughter is an addict who manipulates for money. Each person indicated that they had to look to a Higher Power to help them through the pain. It was good that the topic was Step Two--Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

My willingness to believe came on very slowly but when it came, it was as an epiphany. The night before my father suddenly died, I felt a strong need to be with my parents so I got up out of bed, dressed, and drove to their house. I talked with my dad for over an hour before he told me to go home and that he would be fine. He also told me to take care of my SO because there was a lot of goodness there. The next morning he died due to sudden death from cardiac failure complicated by pulmonary disease. I always felt guilty that I hadn't recognized something that evening and taken him to the hospital or perhaps if I had only spent the night there, I could have saved him. This guilt stayed with me for years and I really didn't see it as a positive sign that my HP had called me to be with my dad. I just thought about what I could have done had I recognized the signs of severe illness.

However, on the day that my mother died, the same thing happened. I was talking to a friend who had come by to visit when an anxiety hit me of such intensity that I knew that I had to go see my mother. I told my friend that I needed to leave right then. I drove to the nursing center and walked in as the staff was doing a code blue on my mother. I don't know if she knew that I was there but at least I was able to touch her and ride in the ambulance to the hospital where she was eventually pronounced dead. She had just told the staff that morning that she was in my kitchen, an indication that she was likely already "traveling" on and letting go of this life. She had told me the day before that she had been out dancing with my father so I knew in my heart that she was preparing to leave. I also knew that there was a Higher Power working to bring me to my parents before they died.

About two weeks after my mother's death, I was in the yard in the early morning and a beautiful luna moth flew to cling to a fence where I was standing. The moth gently opened and closed it's wings. The luna moth was my mother's favorite so I knew then that this was a sign of her presence and a way to comfort me. After a few minutes, the moth flew away. I felt so much of my grief lift at that moment, and I felt happy knowing that my mother was free of her earthly cares and troubles. I too was free and comforted by knowing that my HP had given me a great gift by guiding me to be with my parents before they died and by letting me know that all was okay with them. Thus, I came to believe.....