Abracadabra

For quite awhile my children believed that a mommy went to the dentist to have a baby. Makes sense if you think about it from their perspective: food goes in your belly; it gets there through your mouth. If you throw up food, that comes out your mouth. So of course a baby in your belly has to come out of your mouth. What kind of doctor looks in your mouth? A dentist. See? Completely logical.

Now that my kids are a little older, they know I go to a "regular" doctor to have a baby. But apparently Ellie thought I also went to the doctor to get the baby in my belly, as is illustrated by our after-dinner conversation.

E: Mom, how do you get pregnant?

. . . silence while I gather my thoughts. . .

M: Hmm. That's an interesting question. Why do you ask?

E: Well, I just want to know how the doctor gets that baby in your belly.

M: Well, the doctor doesn't put a baby in my belly.

E: Who does?

M: A daddy puts a baby in a mommy's belly.

E: Oh. But hooow does he do that? Like, I want to know what you do to get it in there.

M: Well. . . . after a mommy and daddy get married then they sleep naked together. But only after they are married.

E: That sounds like magic.

M: It is pretty magical.

Ellie has a thoughtful look on her face before she finally says, But daddy always sleeps with his pajamas on!

Luckily that was the end of our conversation. I'm not sure I could have answered any more questions with a straight face.

**Disclaimer**

After rereading this I realized that it would be easy to assume that I'm actually pregnant. This is not the case. Several weeks ago I had a miscarriage, and Makayla & Ellie wanted to know why I kept going to the doctor and taking new medicines, etc. I figured they were old enough for me to tell them. Ever since then, Ellie has been extremely curious about people's bodies and pregnancy and all things baby.

Birthday

Today is my angel baby's birthday.

I have written and erased several posts in the last 15 minutes. I can't decide how I feel.
A little angry.
A little sad.
A little peaceful.
A little happy?
A lot numb.
All appropriate, I think.

I still haven't decided if I want to celebrate in some way. Sometimes I think yes. Sometimes I think no. So far, today just feels very confusing.

2012

I love a new year! I love feeling like I get a fresh start. I love resolutions--even though I think most people don't take them seriously and make the same ones every year without actually working toward them.

So here are my 2012 resolutions and goals. (In my mind a resolution is a determination to act or be a certain way; whereas, goals are concrete things to work towards and accomplish.)

1. I resolve to be more kind. It's not that I'm completely thoughtless and mean. I just think I could make a more conscious effort to show kindness to family, friends and strangers.

2. Continue working towards my weight loss and getting healthy goal. I started exercising and watching what I eat in September. I feel stronger. I have more energy. And as a result of my positive changes, I am losing weight. I will reach my weight loss goal in August or September.

3. Take more pictures. Every day since Sammy died I wish that I had more pictures and videos of her. I don't want to wake up one day and wish the same thing about my other children. I'm not crazy enough to think I could ever do one of those picture-a-day challenges. That's just not me. But what I can do is get my camera out a little more often.

4. Pay off some debt. We currently have 2 car loans, 2 student loans, and a small amount on our low-interest credit card. My goal is to pay off 2 of the 5 by the end of December.

I'm going to write these down and keep them by my desk where I will see them every day. And by this time next year I will be a kinder, smaller, richer person.

Here's to 2012 being better to me than 2011!!

Ellie's Broken Arm

I kinda forgot that I hadn't blogged about Ellie's broken arm until I read a comment on my last post that asked about it.

Yes, Ellie did break her arm. On the 14th of December while I was shaking my booty at Zumba, Kasey was home watching Ellie and Kimberly. When I got home, Kasey told me that Ellie fell down the stairs and hurt her wrist. I looked at it and sure enough, it was swollen. I asked her to let me look at it and she pulled away. "No mom! Don't touch it! It huuuuurts!!" So we iced it and called the doctor.

A few hours later we got in to the doctor's office. After telling the nurse what happened she said, "I'll give you twenty dollars if it isn't broken."

We ran over to the hospital to get some x-rays. Not only was her arm broken, but both bones in her arm were broken. She had what the doctor called a "buckle" fracture. I'm not great at explaining it, but if you are interested there is an explanation here.

She got a pretty pink cast (they were all out of purple), and we went on our way. Ellie loves having everyone sign her cast. She especially loves the "pirate ship" her grandpa drew on it.

A quick x-ray this morning showed that her bones are healing nicely, and she will get her cast off a week from today. I can hardly wait! I'm getting kinda tired of helping 2 kids pull up their pants after going potty.

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On an unrelated note: I really love this picture. I love the idea that Sammy is watching over her sisters from Heaven. I know she is!

Christmas

I managed to put up a tree and a decoration or two. (Actually, that's not true. My mom put up my tree and Makayla & Ellie decorated it.) Kasey and I bought some presents. The girls loved them!

I've been crying for the past 3 days. I'm glad Christmas is over. Hopefully next year will be easier.

Getting Ready For Christmas. Or Not.

This holiday season is proving quite difficult. More so than I expected. I'm very emotional and not at all in the "Christmas Spirit."

This girl, who every year can hardly stand to wait til Thanksgiving is over to start the Christmas music, has not played one carol yet.

This girl, who loves Christmas countdowns and advent calendars, has not bothered to dig them out of storage.

This girl, who 2 years ago had all her Christmas shopping completed by NOVEMBER!, has not bought 1 gift for her children.

This girl, who can't wait for the sun to go down and drive around town looking at Christmas lights and decorations, has only gone out once to do so--preferring, instead, to stay home with the curtains drawn.

I just can't feel the excitement that I usually do. It all feels so hollow and contrived. I'm really hoping to get it together. If not for me, then definitely for my girls.

Snow!!

We bought a new house in September (more on that later) and one of our favorite things about it is the Humongous back yard!! Yesterday we got about 12 inches of new snow. Kasey and the girls had so much fun playing outside in it.

Kimberly attempting a snow angel

Makayla & Kimberly loved tackling Daddy in the snow.

(I think he liked it too!)

"Look Mom! It's wintertime!"

Ellie and Makayla making snow angels on the deck.