Through a Filter of Love

There are days when all I can see is the darkness and brokenness in the world. And the world wants me to see it that way, I think. There is such an overwhelming amount of bad and terrible stuff out there. Just in the last few days, I've been overwhelmed by bombings of Gaza, the US preparing some sort of military thing near Iran, multiple shootings near home and elsewhere, news coverage of men getting no punishment for raping/abusing/harming girls, overt racism and sexism and homophobia and transphobia... And the more personal darkness and shadows that are also always present - grief, anger, shame, doubt, pain, stress, anxiety.

But there is this amazing gift that my faith gives me.

Love.

Sometimes, it's hard to recognize it. Hard to feel it. But it's always somewhere if I'm willing to make the effort to look for it.

I find love in meeting a stranger who has a story that inspires. I find love in supporting the efforts of those who seek to change the world. I find love in authentically connecting with a loved one or with a stranger. I find love in witnessing an adult trying to make someone's baby smile from across a restaurant. I find love when someone who is hurting deeply finds the strength to ask to be loved through a small gesture or a big one. I find love in hugs and high fives and smiles.

The struggle is remembering to look for it, to recognize it when I see it. To embrace it and cherish it so that it stays with me.

I want to be able to see all things in the world through a love filter. Like, Instagram has filters I can apply to my pics, right? I want to do the same with how I approach the world. Because I want to see where love is flowing out of grief and pain. I want to see where love is shining in the midst of darkness. I want to see love lifting those who fight for justice.

There are days when the world almost breaks me. When the heaviness feels impossible. And I try to find the filter so I can remember and see and feel the love.

Until next time,
Liz

Our Voices Must Continue On

Today is a sad day. In fact, I was surprised by how sad.

I'm just a typical woman in Indiana. I am not famous or well known. I've never published a book. I don't have huge followings on social media.

But somehow, years ago, I found Rachel Held Evans. I don't recall exactly how I came to follow her on Twitter. I believe it was through Michael Gungor and The Liturgists. But she was a voice that spoke of the God I loved in a way that I hadn't heard before. She spoke the words of my heart - saying things that were often contradicting traditional Christian teaching and preaching.

She died today.

And the online world has imploded in grief. And I imagine that the real life world of her husband, children, family, friends, and communities are awash in grief. Her death was very unexpected and leaves a profound hole in their world.

And in the online world, too.

I have been reading tweets and articles and posts all day since the news broke. This woman touched so many lives. This woman changed so many lives. This woman loved fiercely, advocated with courage, and spoke of a God of love and a Jesus of justice. She spoke words of true love and grace and inclusion. She bridged divides. She admitted when she made mistakes and then sought to do better. 

People are afraid of what might change without her voice.

I think it's up to us.

I haven't been using this writing space much lately. I have a long list of reasons. Writer's block. Lack of time. Not feeling the same holy connection I used to feel to writing.

I need to use my voice. My message could matter to someone else. I could change a life. If Rachel Held Evans can't be here to continue using her voice, I guess I just feel like I don't really have a good excuse.

I fight for equity and equality and inclusion. I believe in the beauty and wonder of all humans. I also see the darkness of humanity that creates racism, homophobia, transphobia, islamophobia, xenophobia and more.

I believe in love and grace and mercy and forgiveness. I believe in nature and science and mystery. I believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believe that God is LOVE. Indescribable, undefinable, beyond recognition LOVE. I believe Jesus showed up to disrupt the systems that were getting in the way of love. And I believe that the Spirit moves through us and nature and mystery.

I believe in the value and worth of all people. I believe that being gay isn't a sin. I believe that being transgender isn't a mental illness. I believe that black lives matter. I believe in caring for the poor. I believe in opening arms to immigrants. I believe that religions are supposed to be as diverse as the people who believe in them. I believe in disrupting the systems that perpetuate racism and poverty and injustice. I believe in doing what I can to take better care of the earth. I believe in the equality of women, the abilities of the differently abled, the need to dismantle white privilege.

And all of those beliefs are based on my faith in God. It all goes hand in hand.

Rachel's voice will live on in her written words. Rachel's impact on the world will continue to be felt through the lives she changed.

And the rest of us must continue the work. We must amplify our voices. Even if we only have a whisper in the universe - it's a whisper that is needed and necessary. It will take all of us. And if we all come together and we all share our whispers, we will become a shout that cannot be ignored.

Until next time,
Liz

April Goals - #Happiness and #Health

April is almost here! It's just days away. I slacked off on setting goals back in March.

The March goal for The Happiness Project focused on happiness at work - "Aim Higher." Here's the thing - I'm the happiest at work that I've been in a couple of years. I've had times in my career that I've been truly miserable and times that I've been really thrilled. And I'm in a place now where I'm really happy. I'm building relationships, I'm getting things done. I'm in a newer set of responsibilities and I'm learning more and feeling like I understand more. So I didn't feel like I needed to set goals there.

I've been very consistent on my healthy living goals. I exercise or am active every day. I have been eating mostly right. I have a vacation with my daughter coming up and that is certainly keeping me motivated to stay on top of my goals!

I didn't read anything in March. I have no excuses. I just didn't pick up a book.

So now March is ending and April is days away and I'm ready to have goals again!

APRIL GOALS

Physical Health
Continue daily exercise - finish 21 Day Fix and then either repeat or start a new program.
Continue healthy food choices.
Continue healing my plantar fasciitis. It's getting better. Massage, careful activity, ice/meds when needed.

Mental Health
Reading! First, I plan to read A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood - the poetry of Mr. Rogers. Then, I'm moving to On the Come Up by Angie Thomas.

I want to do something creative - still. And it plays in to my Happiness Project goals!

The Happiness Project - Parenthood "Lighten Up"
I'm going to set my own goals in this area instead of following what Gretchen Rubin did specifically.

Family creative project. I want all of us to go to one of those canvas painting places. There are several close by that do family events. And then I want to hang our artwork in our home.

Bedtime. My biggest place of frustration in parenting is often bedtime. My kids are 11 and 14 years old and they still want mom or dad to be part of bedtime. I want to treasure it, to be patient through it, and not to focus on my own tiredness. So for April, I'm going to make an effort to make bedtime more focused on my kids and giving them what they want/need. I want that time to feel more loving and connected.

Until next time,
Liz

Yup. I'm One of Those Disney People

Our first family trip to Disney World was June of 2013.

I had never planned on being a Disney family. In my mind, it was too expensive and just wasn't ever going to happen. Then I went to a conference that was held at the Contemporary Resort on Disney property.

My mom had taken me to Disney World for a day when I was around 5 years old. I had a few memories - mostly because it's the story of the time I got separated from my mom. And I remember riding Haunted Mansion.

33 years later, I found myself back at Disney World. I attended the conference and the final day, we had a night at Magic Kingdom. So many memories came flooding back! I'd already loved my time at the Contemporary. I knew that I had to bring my family to Disney World.

2013 First Family Trip

2014 Secret Husband and Wife Trip 

2016 Second Family Trip

2018 Third Family Trip

Our plan had been for our next family trip to happen in 2020. But sometimes plans change.

Teagan and I have to go to Florida for a tae kwon do tournament over Memorial Day weekend. And Miami is only 3-4 hours drive from Orlando.

You can see where this is going, right?

Yep. A last minute mother-daughter trip to Disney World!

And as I prepare for the trip and start making my spreadsheets and plans and studying restaurants and FastPass strategies... I realized that I have become one of those Disney people. I speak the Disney World vacation language. I am a full on Disneyphile.

But here is the very best part of this trip coming up...

It's been amazing, already, for my relationship with Teagan. We have something we are both excited about and looking forward to doing together. It feels like it will be a celebration of surviving junior high. She is very involved in planning and has been researching rides and snacks and transportation. My hope is that we create fantastic memories and strengthen our relationship as she heads into high school.

Until next time,
Liz

Unstuck

This past weekend, I attended my church's annual women's retreat. It's one night and there is always a theme. This year, there was a 3 step process.

First, we talked about Hope.

Second, we asked the question - Where am I stuck?

Finally - What is my dream?

I left the retreat feeling as though it wasn't meant for me. I'm already a hopeful person so I don't need to refocus on Hope. I don't feel like I'm really stuck in my life anywhere. And in a lot of ways, I'm living my dream already. And I know that the retreat really did touch many of the women there and I felt like I made some great connections with others.

I struggled with the times of silence and contemplation because I wasn't connecting to the questions. I took time to journal. And what it boiled down to was what I now feel is a pretty important revelation.

The question was - Where am I stuck?
I reduced that to - Am I stuck?
Or am I exactly where I am supposed to be right now?

After getting home, I found myself thinking over the past year and realized that I've only recently become unstuck in some important areas - my health and my work.

In June of 2018, after a few attempts at starting to get healthy and lose weight, I suddenly kicked it into high gear. I wish I could say what made it work. I wish what worked for me would work for anyone else. Bottom line is that I knew we had a family vacation planned for October and I wanted to look good in family photos and be strong enough to have long days of fun at Disney! Thinking of a friend that I admired for her healthy lifestyle, I asked her to help me. She told me about Beachbody and happened to be at the coach summit at that exact time. She got me signed up - I started working out, changed my diet, and fast forward to Oct and a 35 lb weight loss.

I got myself unstuck. And as I face new challenges, hurdles, temptations, I'll keep working to avoiding getting stuck or get unstuck as needed.

My job has been challenging for several years now - some of it due to circumstances, some of it just the nature of the particular job. Just before my vacation, decisions were made to change up responsibilities in our department. This has completely changed my work situation so that my stress levels have seriously reduced. I enjoy my work again. I'm unstuck.

The lesson I learned is that sometimes, it's ok to just realize the good things. To stop and enjoy the good times. To breath in peace and joy and normalcy - to not be expecting bad news at every turn. To not feel like I'm failing with each bite of food.

Until next time,
Liz

February Goals

It's time to set my goals for February. I thought about skipping it but realized that I won't accomplish anything if I don't write down what I want to achieve. I need to write it down and tape it up and make myself accountable.

Physical Health

Workout 4-5 days per week with a focus on weight lifting (Beachbody's LIIFT 4). I will pay attention to my body and not push beyond my capabilities.

I will stick to better nutrition. Vegetables, proteins, fruit, whole grains. Avoiding junk and processed foods.

Mental Health

Reading is good for me and I need to commit to it. I need to finish Frankenstein. I want to read On The Come Up (new book by Angie Thomas) and Thunderhead (book 2 in the Arc of a Scythe trilogy by Neal Shusterman). So my goal is to finish Frankenstein and then I can read the other 2 as my reward.

I also want to do something creative. Last night, before the kids went to bed, we lay on the floor and drew. Just doodles and random things - but it was really fun. I want to be sure I do something creative this month.

The Happiness Project

In the book, author Gretchen Rubin uses February to focus on her marriage. I won't say that my marriage is perfect and all important relationships need ongoing work. But I don't have specific goals that I think need focus this month in my marriage.

However, my relationship with my kids does need some focus. Teagan is a teenager and some days we are very close and some days she pushes very hard. Zach is moving into more activities that I don't understand (video games) and I find that my attention more easily goes towards Teagan.

So my focus in February is going to be ways to keep relationships strong with my kids and with my husband.

Dates with Jeff
Mother son times with Zach
Focus on loving communication - especially with Teagan when she is "teening"

Until next time,
Liz

Figuring Out Not Failing

A couple of weeks ago, I hit my lowest weight in at least 15 years.

It freaked me out a little.

I started to struggle with my nutrition a little. But kept on with exercising.

I didn't lose weight but also didn't gain anything. And could feel muscles in my legs and stomach getting stronger.

And then I hurt myself. Exercising.

Plantar fasciitis. Which is more painful than I'd imagined and very annoying. I've had days where I feel like I literally can't walk. Then the limping and adjusting made my IT band flare up.

I attacked the issue. Researched it. Took ibuprofen and iced my foot. Did stretches and massage. Bought a special sock to sleep in because the pain can be worse in the morning due to the foot not flexing all night. I now know to stay completely off the treadmill. I even stopped doing my new exercise program because step aerobics is bad for plantar fasciitis. I was only working out once a day and less than an hour total.

And after a few days, I felt like totally giving up because I was doing "all the right things" and still had pain in my foot.

It hit me this morning. If I don't address this, I will get right back on the road to giving up and failure. Again.

It was an issue with my IT band that was the start of my downfall back when I was a runner.

It's mind bendingly frustrating to be doing healthy things and exercising and getting stronger... and that leads to being bad for me.

My response to my frustration was to eat. It was surprisingly easy to fall back into bad habits.

So here I am, just one week after this injury, and I've gained a few pounds. I'm frustrated that I still have pain in my foot and have to restrict my activity. I'm angry with myself for the bad food choices I've made in the last week.

But.

This time, I'm not going fully off the rails.

It's a dumb thing, maybe, but I know I still have control because the idea of a Big Mac is still gross to me. That seems to be my major measuring stick. When my mind is in the right healthy place, my desire for fast food is nil.

Today, I am focusing on the things I'm still doing right.

Finding ways to exercise without focusing on cardio. I think I'm going to get back to Beachbody's LIIFT 4 - and just modify the cardio parts until my foot heals.

Even the bad eating I did wasn't the most terrible choosing I could have done. I over ate and I did eat junk - but I still was making 85% good choices.

I don't feel a desire to quit. I want to lose more weight. I want to strengthen my muscles. The desire to be healthier is still there.

Here's to getting back on track. To restructuring the plan. To making it work.

Until next time,
Liz