The Letter

She would be 43 years old today.  I've often wondered if she would have red curly hair like me or straight brown hair like her father. What would she have been like as an older sister of two younger brothers? Would we have had a close relationship?  I dreamed it would be so. 

That entire pregnancy was out of order. From the very beginning nothing seemed to be typical but then again, what is typical from one pregnancy to the next? I was quite ill and ended up in the hospital for nearly a week as I couldn't keep food or water down at all. Nothing. The medical term used was Hyperemesis gravidarum.  Snazzy, eh? It just means excessive vomiting and dehydration, but I like their name better. It seemed to validate how sick I really was. 

I barely gained any weight with this wee one but considering how little food I kept down that wasn't surprising.  Finally, as the months ticked by the sickness sort of settled down, but not entirely.  Into the 7th month the shower invitations had just been sent out and my anticipation grew.  I felt reserved a lot as I'd heard other moms discuss their pregnancy and knew that I wasn't experiencing most of the things they mentioned,   and at my next appointment due to some concerns my doctor had,  I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound as that's the only place they were done. In fact, there was only one hospital in the whole Detroit area that performed the ultrasound.  This procedure was brand, spanking new! For several hours the staff took dozens and dozens of pictures while my mom waited for me. Eventually the head of the department came in and said they were having trouble getting the kind of picture results they hoped for and thought it might be the machine so they moved me to another table in another room for even more pictures.  My back was aching but I decided it was just from laying so long on cold tables as they continually pressed and nudged my tummy while trying to get something better in each picture than the one before.  Shortly afterward, when I was home that afternoon, my doctor called and said I needed to come in for an X-ray ASAP. My personal radar suddenly launched into an alerted feeling. An X-ray on a pregnant woman? We agreed I would be in his office first thing in the morning but throughout the evening I struggled to sleep and was up and down with discomfort, mostly in my back. 

Early the next morning before the world was waking up, my water broke. And I mean broke like a fire-hydrant that had just been opened up for the kids to play in on the streets of Detroit. When I stood up, I knew something was very wrong. We made the call to the Doctor and hurried to the hospital which was about a 20 minute drive from home.  The nurse sedated me when we got to the hospital, but delivery was happening so quickly I could hear everything the medical team was saying. Soon I delivered a still-born baby girl with Anencephaly and a few other deformities that can accompany neural tube defects. In an instant our dreams were dashed! I felt my doctor take my hand and rub my arm trying to speak to me, but when I didn't respond he asked out loud if the baby had been baptized and would someone go get the father.  I wanted to shout out to him, but couldn't utter a sound or make a move. What just happened?? What does all of this mean? 

I thought a lot about that day in 1977 as a young co-worker celebrated her 38th birthday today.  I rushed home from work to look for a letter my father wrote and brought to me in the hospital which I read late that night alone. It's the most special letter I've ever received and at times through the years I've pulled it out to read it again when I need to strengthen my resolve.  Had I read it with wisdom when I received it, I possibly would have avoided other years of struggle in my life, but I was still foolish in so many ways for a long time. 

I want to share parts of this most personal letter with you in the hopes that you will find some words here that can apply to any difficult situation you've encountered or are now going through.  

"First, do not love your grief.  Grieve, but endure and grow from it." Wise, eh? We all know someone that has never moved past a grievous event in their lives. "For some reason God has determined you should not have a child at this time. Accept this fact; do not question for that leads to self-doubt and self-pity."  

Loaded with wisdom. 

"Consider your goals in life. Your loss will certainly cause you to examine your life-style and ambitions. You will be different because of this event but you must go on.  Do not be bitter for that is self-pity and not a reflection of maturity. Try to determine what abilities you have and develop them to serve yourselves and others. Be humble, not humiliated and try to do good without boasting about it."  

Deep, guiding wisdom. 

And lastly Dad said, "I know it is hard to see right now, but by serving we are served."  

Is there somewhere in your life you can put this wise and true statement into practice? It really can change your life perspective and give you just a moment of relief as your focus changes from inward to outward. You will be richly rewarded with peace. I am blessed beyond measure to have this profound love note in my father's handwriting still with me to this day. This letter has impacted my life and more so as I have grown older, and hopefully wiser. 

As they say in recovery, take what you need and leave the rest. This letter may have no bearing on the situation you are in right now, but if you look hard enough, this letter will have great bearing on your own life today and in the days ahead if you so choose.  

Happy Birthday, sweet baby of mine. I can't wait till the day I can cup your beautiful, perfect, healthy face in my hands and tell you how much I've loved you all these years.  

Break the Habit

                                               
                                                             pic googled -  kisspng.com 


What is it about the bathroom that brings on the best "aha" moments??  It never fails that I have my best moments of mulling things over whether I'm seated on the throne, showering, or performing my morning routine of teeth, hair and makeup.  Is it the sound of running water, blocking out life outside that little room? I'm always amazed by the revelations that occur during those moments. 

Today was no different. 

During my morning coffee, I read an article ( The Link between Verbal Abuse to Anxiety That Nobody Talks About ) regarding the long-reaching effect of verbal abuse and of course I was able to check all the boxes.  Ugh to the memories that flashed by as I was reading!  So, I began my morning routine for work which included the conversation to self which used to begin with "I should have said/I should have done, blah, blah, blah".  Thankfully, most of those conversations ended long ago.  But following this article remnants of days gone by began roaming around again when I heard my Dad saying to me, "J can't help the way he was raised, but sooner or later you have to begin to realize that you can't treat others the same way you were treated and make changes."  This was said before my children were born, but J never admitted to seeing anything wrong with the way he spoke with me or my children. Being a loyal to the death sort of person (not always healthy) I was sure that our relationship would change, improve and be forever. Now, in J's defense (because I'm always taking up for the underdog), he wouldn't know much about other households because he was raised under the shroud of alcoholism and all it drags along.  And, while my Dad spoke truth to the situation, he is also from the generation that says "stop talking about this and stop doing that". 

And so the hamster wheel continues to spin chanting "I can't tell anyone,  ...he said, ...she said, ...what about my job, ....my neighbors, ....my parents, ....my siblings, ....they won't believe me" and on it goes. 

The conversation in my bathroom today continued.  I thought about Dad's words. Many people in my generation were raised to keep silent. It seemed to come from the rigid upbringing our parents had of being seen and not heard.  We were also told to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on which was indicative of the times as well.  Now, in and of themselves those sayings aren't necessarily wrong but for wellness the words of injustice have to be spoken. Years of counseling has revealed how important it is to let the voices be heard. There's a passage in the Bible that reads "Then I saw that wisdom excels folly as light excels darkness." ~Ecclesiastes 2:13 

Once we speak of whatever abuses, trials and tribulations have happened, THEN we can begin to step toward healing. The light of truth is shining on the dark secrets hidden in the deepest parts of our mind, heart and soul.  Speaking of these past hurts should be done in a professional setting whether it be with a counselor, mentor, sponsor or clergy.  You choose.  But until you talk about it in a healthy setting (not in low whispered voices with others who will feed your venomous thoughts), the poison will continue to fester inside that deep cavernous cistern where you've stuffed all the pain from the past.

Now the healing side of this is moving on from talking about it.  If you're clinging to pain from 10, 20, 40 years ago and having to still counsel for it, you're somehow stuck in the mental loop as described in the article.  It's tricky to be sure, but it's totally possible to get out of that thinking, speaking, acting and choices. Using positive self-talk, truths of the day (you got up!), making a gratitude list each day, or finding a way to serve others can all be part of the healing that is taking place in shedding the scales of sorrow we sometimes wear as a badge.  Honestly, it doesn't have to be repeated every single day.  If every conversation begins with words pointing to the bad hand you were dealt in your childhood, marriage, college days or now, please examine your life choices and patterns of behavior. Practice the positive (truthful only) statements about you and your life. Find an honest, trustworthy friend to speak them out.  Try this instead: 


                                             

Mom, Take Your Eyes Off!

Next to Christmas and New Years day, the hardest holiday for families in crisis is probably Mother's Day.

Magazines, TV programs and ads, newspapers, radio and Facebook tout enduring pitches of what a great mother your mother was and the reward you should be giving her.  But I'd venture to say that most mother's of addicts and alcoholics are struggling to find their place today.   This holiday almost seems to be a competition as to which mother has been honored more by her adoring children.

After all, where would we be without our mothers?  Some people, however, didn't have loving mothers and are searching for someone to affirm them and validate their existence while some mothers are struggling to find their loving children underneath all the chemicals running rampant through their veins.

Perhaps each Mother's day rolls by with your stomach inside out in anguish wondering whether or not you'll get a glimpse of your addicted one. Maybe Mother's day is the same as every other day with all the chaos, fighting and tears that you've been enduring for weeks, months or years now.  "Nothings changed!"  you shout to yourself as you pull on the covers and put the light out on another disappointing, heart-breaking day.  You go to sleep with tears falling on your pillow and cursing the situation you are in, loathing the alarm that will jolt you awake in 7 hours for yet another exhausting day. 

"How will this ever be different?" you ask to no one in particular.  Heavy sighs follow.

One of the current buzz phrases is "change agent" and people are being urged to be the change they want to see.  Being codependent, we sometimes struggle severely to see that things really can be different. We take on the thinking that this life was merely meant to be endured and nothing better would come our way.  Oh, the lies of addiction affect the whole family!

But, if you could change something today, what would it be?  Don't lose a ton of time thinking about what you know you cannot change.  Instead,  if you could change one thing today for yourself what would it be?  Have you set any goals for yourself?  This isn't easy. We aren't used to focusing on ourselves in a healthy way. I am just beginning to set new, attainable goals and I've been working a program for 6 years.  

What would next Mother's day be like for you if you can make a reasonable change for yourself?  I used to imagine my special days with my children and grands around my feet. That really isn't the way it goes in my family and now I'm okay with that. The truth is, my sons and daughter-in-law don't love me any more or any less because we aren't all gathered together but for years the lies in my head told me differently.  Facebook and other venues may make you feel less loved or cared for, but you can stop that in its tracks right now. Stay off of Facebook if it breaks your heart. 

What can you do that lets love in and allows you to feel at peace?  For me, I took today off. Off from everything.  I didn't go to church which is rare. I would love to have been there but I attend a church that is 35 minutes away and was just in that area yesterday and will be there again tomorrow night for a meeting so I decided a week ago, that I was probably going to spend Sunday morning in my chair, with a cup of coffee and my feet up and my Higher Power, my Savior, is okay with that!  I watched "I Love Lucy" reruns and read the paper.  I made home made waffles and took a nap. I received messages from people that love me which includes my own offspring and watched my beloved Detroit Tigers while catching up on some overdue reading. It has been a perfect day!  In the past I may not have heard from one or the other of my sons and for some reason I let the drugs lie to me about how they really felt about me. Suddenly the day would be lost in "should haves and would haves and if only".  Ugh. 

I'm thankful and grateful that this program allows me to let go of my expectations, to still be at peace in my heart and to know when to walk away from Facebook. Just like I learned years ago to turn off the TV during Christmas when the messages were overwhelmingly laden with couples and romance and what I thought I was missing, I'm learning to not let anyone or anything dictate what these days ought to be and where my joy comes from.

So, I ask again, what will mother's day look like tomorrow? What will it look like next year? What changes will you make in your own life choices that will bring you joy and peace for each day leading up to next mother's day?  Remember  that it's just one day at a time so you don't have to change every messy thing today. It's a process, sometimes slow and laborious but a process nonetheless. You will see that you are different than you were 30 days ago, six months ago and each passing year.   

Take your eyes off your addict.  Look out the window and see how many different kinds of birds are in your neighborhood.  It's that time of year to plant a garden or container that will bring joy to your heart.  Take your eyes off your addict.  Read a book that challenges your thinking or takes you on a brain vacation. Take your eyes off your addict. You are a good mom and you are loved.  Don't hang your head any more for the choices your addict has made. Don't bury yourself for your past parenting mistakes made in love. Get some support and friends who will see the talents and gifts you have been given.  It sounds trite but Let Go and Let God. 

Mostly take your eyes off your addict and place them on God who cares for you more than you'll ever know.  Bask in His love for you as He longs to lead you into something new and loving and exciting. 

Happy Mother's Day from one change agent to another! 

The Door is Ajar

Remember  the 1980's when Chrysler introduced the talking car? If your door wasn't closed all the way it would say "The door is ajar". That innovative creation stirred up conversations and jokes that lasted a long time! 

A major life change has occurred in my home this past weekend. Cliff left for Florida to start a new life with the woman he loves, Miss E. They've known each other for only nine months or so, maybe a little longer, but have declared their love for each other and plan to make it a permanent promise. Having been through the trauma of divorce, and it is a trauma even in the most peaceful of ways, I pray that their declaration to each other is true and forever. 

There was a time that Cliff was not living with me. When I bought my little house I sent him packing, so to speak. Not in a bad way, but it was simply time.  Not too long after life threw a curve ball and the call came asking "would it be okay if I come and stay with you for just a short time till my friend S and I work out sharing a house? He's going to buy something and I'll be his roommate." Cliff was working at the time and had the best laid plans, and so I somewhat reluctantly said yes. I had just been in my little domicile for one year and longed for "my space" as we've come to love in this country.  As you may have guessed, a few months rolled into many more and just recently became 3 years.  Then Miss E came into the picture and life moved into a new direction.  

So, with a Toyota Camry packed to the gills, off they rode into the sunset in the direction of Florida and I'm alone again, naturally. =) 

Before Cliff left I had to have "the talk". That's the part of recovery that continues to be revisited with many an addict and their family. Boundaries are set once again because deep down we fear getting caught up in the landlord relationship one more time. Cliff was ready to go out on his own, there's no doubt of that. But where the doubt comes in it seems, is in Cliff's ability to see past looming obstacles. Putting down one step at a time in order to achieve a hard earned goal still requires some guidance and encouragement along with a push and a hug. So, in a much calmer demeanor and forthright tone than in years gone by, I simply stated that I wished Cliff the very best that God has planned for him and that moving back home was not an option.  The door will not swing back open, and please leave your key.  There's a sadness in my soul that I have to say that so clearly, yet it's a freedom that has to be laid out for both of us. I'm too old to be my sons housemate and he should have the confidence to enjoy life as it's meant to be.  So the door is ajar; it's open just enough to pay a visit but not open wide enough to let suitcases filled with life struggles that belong to another take up residence in my space.  

I'm grateful once again for working it out with my Higher Power, my Creator, who has walked the walk with me to show me how to live a better life that brings unspeakable peace to my heart.  My life is richer because of practicing the 12 Steps over and over.  

That peace of mind is not mine to own.  You can have it, too.  Ask and seek. You'll find it. 

Picture googled

Letting Go

Life is full of choosing.  Do I stay or do I go? Do I love or do I walk away? Do I eat this or choose that?  We are constantly being challenged in our own thoughts to choose wisely or indulge. Sometimes you can do both, but those moments are rare, indeed. 

Letting Go is a topic that follows us everywhere.  In the last few years the song from Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" has been used in a variety of commercials, background music and children's birthday parties.  The lyrics have been sung by people of all sizes and ages in a quest to answer their own dilemma at hand. 

This past week at my meeting, we were discussing the topic to Let Go. One by one, male and female, shared the struggles and scenarios that are so familiar to families in drug crises and varying expressions of nodding, grimacing and sometimes tears were displayed unashamedly. One parent is in such raw pain and so new to this place of healing but not yet understanding how in the world she will ever be able to let go and step away from the child she loves who is active in addiction, she cannot fathom letting go. "But, I'm her mother" and "What if she needs me" were sobbingly stated. "I don't know how, I don't know how. I can't do it - I just can't let go".  

Identifying with her pain, I silently whispered a quick prayer for God's Spirit to comfort her and strengthen her resolve. I didn't want her to be in that place that we all have to walk through.  Being the great enabler that I am, I so wanted to ease her pain and take it from her, but knew that there is simply nothing any of us can do, but stand with her, be available for a phone call or just find the time to sit by her side if she asked. 

As each person shared from their own perspective,  some things were said in the direction of the crying mom in hopes of her realizing that we too, have walked her walk and felt her pain. That only time, and sometimes distance, really is what needs to be given in order to begin to heal. 

Finally, one of the true veterans of this meeting said something very helpful about Letting Go.  "People are often saying let it go, let go, or you should be letting go. What they are leaving out is the rest of the phrase which is to Let God.  If you are carrying something precious to you, such as a beautiful glass dish, or a valued picture frame holding the photo of someone you cherish and you need to suddenly let it go, what do you do?  You don't just drop it and let it fall to the floor in a million shattered pieces. You place it in another pair of hands or into a cabinet, on a table or in a drawer where it's safe.  When someone you love is in addiction and it's time to Let Go, you need to  actively Let God.  Place the one you love in God's capable hands where you know they are safe if they so choose. You have placed them lovingly into the hands of the only One who can change them and make a difference in their life. Oh, you'll attempt to take them back, but keep placing your darling into the hand of God and you will begin to find rest for your self."  

Her message is a great reminder to all of us of this simple practice. And it is a practice that needs to be repeated again and again as we navigate through our own maze of challenges; we have to practice keeping our eyes on our own path to peace and let others experience the same. 

May you find peace and love tonight in Letting God. Let Him in, let Him love, let Him heal, let Him lead you.  

It will only get better, this I know. 

Her God Moment

When I first began writing this blog, I talked about Son #1, Lovely Espousa and mini chick along with Cliff.  This comprised my little family in early 2008 when recovery was brand new to me. Oh, I was aware of meetings and groups and AA and Al-Anon for years but just didn't understand the effects of other people's life choices on me, nor my choices on them. At that time, our family was in a very hard place and each one of us were in our own places of life, often found licking our wounds in a corner somewhere.  A glance here, a quick word there often left someone feeling wounded, angry or misunderstood.  At times, I was certain that we were headed down a path that would leave us all disconnected for the rest of our days on this earth. But God, being merciful to His hard-headed children, heard this hard-headed daughters prayers and answered.  

"Call to me and I will answer you" He promises.   So, as families do, we elbowed around a bit and each one of us continued to find our place and address our own "stuff" individually. Fast forward now six years later, and what a difference God has made in all our relationships! Particularly Lovely Espousa and me, who will forevermore be known as Daughter-in-love. So before I tell today's true story, I share all this to say that even when you can't see, feel or hear God, He's at work behind the scenes if you will just ask Him. Practice all you've learned and have in your toolbox of recovery, and get out of the way. Your life does not have to stay the way it is today.  Now, for today's true story, please read on. 

My Daughter-in-Love has had a lot of heartache for a young woman.  Before she met Son #1, she was in a relationship that was unhealthy.  Lots of stuff that isn't mine to tell, but you all know the stories of teenagers struggling to find their place in this world, in their family and relationships.  DIL was the same as you and me.  In that relationship, she had a beautiful baby girl, red-haired no less (I'm partial), and as cute as she could be!  One day, DIL came home to find that her wee bairn had passed away.  Suffice it to say that a horrible, unintentional thing happened and sweet pea went to heaven before her six month birthday.  That relationship ended and some months down the road DIL was in recovery after using whatever she could find to medicate the pain away.  She met Son #1 in recovery and the rest is history.   

It's a tragic story, to say the least. I can't even imagine the anguish of losing a healthy baby but I know it personally happened to two women in my life that I love dearly.  When I met DIL, she surely was in a deep place of grieving and working out all that was happening in her life.  

The first few years of Son #1 and DIL's marriage was fraught with trauma.   I couldn't find my way into the intimate place I longed to be.  I tried to find my spot as I wanted so much to have DIL as a friend, a companion and a daughter I never had.  Where I thought I was helping, I may have been nagging. What I thought would be my rightful place, wasn't defined.  So we continued to meet and then retreat into our corners working it out, working it out, working it out.  By this time, I was going to recovery meetings faithfully. The message that kept being repeated through reading, listening and praying was "stand firm, take the next step for yourself and wait". THAT didn't seem like it was helping me!! But, little by little over time, I began to step back from the magnifying glass and let God do His work. All the time, I thought He would fix that one, or this one, or better yet THAT one over there when all the while He was "fixing" me!! Oh, He was teaching me so much more than I could have ever tried to learn. 

As I was working out some of my stuff, DIL was always working out some of hers, too. Slowly the hardened walls  between us began crumbling down and the gift of communication began to come through.  We would talk and listen when we could get together.  Forgiveness was given between us as healthier love began forging a new relationship that I never dreamed would come.   DIL began to see that God in His loving way, longs to be in our lives, in all our stuff, and to walk with us in a more peaceful harmony.  She experienced first hand God's long reaching arm of forgiveness no matter how old the transgression. It was a beautiful thing to observe. 

Recently in conversation, my DIL began to tell me about what she called a "God moment" in her life.  She explained that someone she loves who is active in AA met another girl who has recently gone through a similar heart break with her child that DIL lived through.  He wondered if he could give DIL's contact information in case broken-hearted girl wanted to talk to someone who "knows what it's like". DIL agreed to be available if ever she wanted to talk.    As I listened to DIL tell me about her encounter, my mind went to a couple places.  First, I thought to myself "oh lovely one, would you have ever imagined being able to share your story and supporting another one through it?"  DIL looked so pretty and at peace as she recalled her encounter.  She was eager to be used this way which tells me that through her hard work of recovery and relationship with the Creator of her heart, she has come to a place of accepting and releasing what happened with her red-haired girl. 

Immediately I thought about a passage in Scripture that says  "God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us". (2 Cor. 1:3  The Msg)    And, almost simultaneously, Step 12 came to mind as well, urging us to carry the message to others after we've had a spiritual awakening.   

It all goes hand in hand, God's great big plan.  He wants us free from all the demons that try to keep us embittered, sad, in pain and lonely.  Our pain is not wasted and it's the place where we can gain our best wisdom if we Let Go and Let God, as recovery folks say. 

God bless you, DIL.  I'm so pleased to see the changes in your life that is bringing you underlying peace, joy and a beautiful smile every time I see you no matter what the day holds.  

Christmas Peace

It took me completely by surprise at our Christmas family gathering. My sister-in-love has a pretty purple tree covered with lots of beautiful little ornamental fairies, butterflies and other mini-sized trinkets. Earlier I had noticed a few small picture frame ornaments with photos of SIL's mom and dad who have passed away. Later in the day, I sort of heard my sister speaking to me as I was looking all around the tree again, sort of lost in my own world.  Suddenly her voice came into my listening space and she said  "that must have been at A & K's wedding. Doesn't she look great?"   My gaze zeroed in on what my sister was referring too, and I realized it was a picture of our mom smiling beautifully wearing a lovely red dress. My breath was taken away and I kept saying to my sister, "wait, is that our mom?? That's mom!?!"  Then I dissolved into a quiet sob.  In a low voice I said to my sister that I've been missing Mom so much this past year.  And since that moment on Saturday, I've been in a very melancholy mood and weepy every time I think of Mom. And you know what?  It's okay and it's not taking anything away from this Christmas holiday. 

I'm so thankful that I didn't grow up in an environment that focused on dates, memories or situations that came along with pain and hence forth believed that forever after that date was ruined or tarnished.  I believe that's probably what let me spend many a holiday without my sons when they were younger, without Cliff when he was in his addiction, or without the presence of any of those I loved. 

I was reading a post today written by Alissa Parker. The Parker's are one of the families that lost their beautiful first grader in last year's Sandy Hook tragedy.  How they've handled their pain and grief is enlightening and healthy.  As codependents or enablers, we've often stuffed our feelings in an effort to get everyone onto the same page or we've given our best effort to make everything appear as if nothing's missing or wrong.  How refreshing it is to be able to shed a few tears for a few minutes and then move on. And sometimes they are shed again and then you move on again.  It's not a lock down of grief but a process of moving through hurt or pain.  It's living life that is filled with all kinds of emotions and events and we need to give ourselves the gift of balance.  Mourning and dancing truly can be done in the same memory!! 

Don't cling to your hurts.  Embrace the joy and face the grief head on.  It's not a battle you're in. These are allowable feelings and healing is sure to follow.  No one or nothing can ruin your holiday unless you give them permission to do so.  My sons addiction had nothing to do with the birth of God's only son, Jesus. Shed a tear if necessary and then look for the Light of Life as you take the next right step. Practice the Steps you've learned.  May the truth of Christmas be welcomed into your thinking as you take care of yourself in the days ahead. 

Peace. 

A Perfect Day

Yesterday was my birthday and it was the most perfect day I could have asked for.  No, it wasn't filled with parties, presents and activity.  It wasn't about some fabulous food or award winning cake.  The location wasn't lavish.  But it was perfect. 

My day began having breakfast with someone I dearly love.  We talked of many things, who we love and spoke of dreams.  I used to ride this person on my handlebars and still carry the guilt of the time I stopped too quickly and she went tumbling down on the cement. Sorry, Mary!  I'll have to work on that bad feeling another time. This post is about me and my perfect birthday! :)   

Breakfast was followed by a meeting with some other women I love regarding our recovery from co-dependency.  We come together to cheer each other on to the next step of living life in a loving, detached manner.  Agreeing that there is a fine line to still being a parent whose opinion matters compared to a parent who sees what's coming and tries to intercept. Oops!  

Following that, I drove with Cliff to Son #1's house and shared the day with Lovely Espousa, and the two mini's who are growing by leaps and bounds.   From the moment I entered their home till I tucked myself in bed at night, my heart was overflowing with gratitude and love.  It wasn't always this way. 

As a family who has walked the path of addiction, alcohol and all the other yuck that comes with a chaotic lifestyle,  this little family has sparred often as we tried to figure out our roles and place in this mix.  But God, being a merciful and loving Higher Power, Creator, Healer, Counselor and Protector, has taken this family's mess and one step at a time, has brushed us off, put salve on our wounds and moved us inch by inch into a better life.  

Our lives were probably very typical of a family in the throws of high risk living.  That chaos crept in so quietly however that it slowly became the norm, at least for me. So much so, that I didn't always see how skewed I was in my thinking. As I reflect back on the past six to seven years, I am amazed at where we are today and just how much God has moved through our lives individually and collectively calling each of us to our healthy place in the mix. 

Way back when, I couldn't see or imagine this peace in my life within the realm of my little family. In fact, I was sure the writing on the wall would always be the same negative, unhealthy message.  Yesterday was a snapshot of all that has changed and a glimpse of more to come for a family that has loved each other through thick and thin.  We haven't always liked each other much, but that's part and parcel of what's made healing all the better.  

My birthday was covered with love from start to finish. Small rumbles of conversation, children's voices and the scent of a homey meal filled the day.  May this memory burn in deeply and continue to push out the old tainted residue that no longer has a place in my life. 

It was a perfect day.  

The Christmas Ghosts

Ebenezer Scrooge wasn't the only one that had no peace and was visited by ghosts through his hours of restless slumber. Those ghosts can be so active as they try to infiltrate the most lovely of days even when we're awake!   I often find myself alone through these days except for a few brief moments of breaking bread here and there with others, but the hours go slowly when you are by yourself through what appears to be the most wonderful time of the year.  


Yesterday evening I went to a Christmas Eve service where I attend church and as usually happens it brings peace to my soul and new vision to my sight of what Christmas is truly all about. And that's a good, good thing since the chaos of a life partnered with addicts can and will try to blur the truth if you're naively unaware. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past tries to enter into the present on a regular basis.  Flashing pictures before me of somber, sad days when the addict I loved was M.I.A. or incarcerated for yet another year, the ghost tries to rob me of today's love, peace and joy that's rooted down deep in my soul. He throws dirt on my soul in an effort to cover up the truth and tries desperately to turn my feelings into a tumultuous throwback of days gone by.  Ha!  That ghost doesn't know he's coming up against an arsenal of Biblical truths and 12 Step practices that have woven themselves in and through my mind, heart and soul and will come up against any lies or deceit of the past trying to make this day miserable.  Instead, with every fiery dart the ghost tries to shoot my way the Truth comes up to intercept and redirect that dart away from me and quickly floods my thoughts with accurate words that quell my fears and sadness. The Spirit of Truth says to me through His Word: "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light"  (Psalm 56:13)

Life-giving Light!! Take that, Marley!  

The Ghost of Christmas Present is really waging war with the Spirit of The Lord who is keeping my eyes and thoughts where they belong.  He reminds me in Philippians with these words:  "So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Phil 3:15-16)

Oh, I could go on and on about the Scriptures in Philippians as they are a firm foundation to my faith walk and keeping me healthy along with the truths of Al-anon encouraging me to stay focused on NOW.  Not going back to rehash what's already passed and not going forward and fixating on an event or scenario that hasn't happened yet, but to just be here. Right here, right now. Don't you see how they fit hand in hand? It has turned MY thinking inside out and let my Creator whisper truth, guidance and direction in the way that He says I should go or when He says I should be still.  Those are hard lessons learned at times, but the most valuable lessons I've ever experienced.   

The Ghost of Christmas Future is no ghost to me. Not anymore. I've learned to not run ahead of myself and create angst where there doesn't need to be any. I am not going to try to outsmart my addict, or any other person in my life so I can prepare as to how I will react, do or not do the thing that hasn't even happened yet. God's word is rich with promises of leading me into the future in His loving care. Wow...what a lot of time spent unnecessarily in days gone by.  I'm so thankful to be out of the faux rat-race I was in!  Ugh! 

My Creator says: 

"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new."   (Isaiah 43:18 (MSG) 

Step Three says, and I go to this step often in my meditation, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him".  That step is part of the 12 Steps of AA which began in August 1938 and became equally important to Al-Anon in it's beginnings in 1951. 

Make today count in the best way you can focusing on this one important truth. You are loved today whether in a crowd of people or sitting alone in a dark place.  Let the Light of Life shine in your heart and chase those ghosts away whether it be past, present or future. Your Creator desires to do something magnificent in your life!! Step back and let Him in!

Merry Christmas, my friends! 

Addicted Me

The older I get the more I realize that I have an addictive personality of  my own. A few years back Cliff and I were driving home from the store when he spied a bag in the backseat holding a new box of  Little Debbie's Swiss Cake Roll Ups. "Mom,"  he said, "why are you buying those? They can't be good for your sugar."  Usually quite defensive of anyone pointing out my food choices, I reluctantly replied that they just called out to me.  He paused and said without judgment, "I know what you mean. Heroin used to call out to me, too."  Ugh.

When I was in high school, heroin was the rich man's drug but pot and other substances could be found everywhere, including my high school vestibule.  But I was afraid of drugs in any form.  In 1972 I knew of several people who died from drug usage and that was enough for me. Though pot didn't claim those statistics, I was afraid of anything that would alter my  mind and self-control.  I'm so thankful that even without knowing it or knowing God that well, that He gave me a strong sense of 'no' in that particular arena.  He was protecting me and for once I didn't throw all caution to the wind and jump the line. 

Why then, am I now facing my own refusal to acknowledge my need for removal of other forms of substance abuse?  Sugar is my "thang".  I clearly remember being at my cousin Leslie Hamp's 5th birthday party and parking myself right at the corner of the picnic table where a bowl of  M&M's sat unsupervised, calling out to me. All the other party attenders were off playing some games and I wanted no part of that. I was in my own little chocolate heaven until my aunt shooed me away. Ugh. 

Still being a sugar person you'd think by 57-3/4 years old I would have won this battle. Not so. And even with all the issues of diabetes I have, it would make sense to everyone around me to just simply walk away. It isn't that simple as many of you can relate with life hazards of your own that you've yet to kick.  This process always reminds me of the Scripture verse in the book of Romans when Paul says "Why do I do the things I hate?"  Ugh. 

I'm reminded that my life didn't exist simply to raise Son #1 and Cliff. Somehow I saw myself as being their life director and trying to intervene where only God could reach them. In so doing, I continued for many years to ignore God when He was trying to reach me and was beckoning me to look Him square in the face, so to speak, and hear what He has for me.  Love, acceptance, intimacy, goodness, blessing, peace, order, freedom, and unsurpassed joy.  All these things await me as I continue to step fully into the life He has planned for me, which includes well-being and good health. 

As I continue to relinquish my ways and my unneeded help for those I love, it frees me up to connect with myself in a healthy way. Today, I will choose to take care of me, my health and my home all in the freedom of surrendering to His magnificent way.  From despair to hope, I've been set free. At times I feel like I'm just starting again down this path and that's the beauty of 12 Steps and a loving God.  He is always holding out His righteous right hand to start anew and you can practice the 12 Steps over and over and over again. 

Peace. 

Picture from google

Water, where are you?

Water. I've never longed for water so much in my life as I have this year. We are in such a state of heat and drought in the Midwest that water has become a coveted commodity.

Food. Have you ever been hungry? Not a noon-time starving sort of thing, but really hungry? Not knowing where or when you might get your next meal? I thought at times I've had it tough, but I never had to go without life's basic necessities.

One of the activities I've become involved with in the last year is working with a ministry in Detroit which serves the homeless a meal.  One Saturday each month our church takes a turn to put out a little meal for whomever lives under the viaducts, in the abandoned houses or curled up in a park nearby. I must confess that today I was considering finagling my way out of it. I was thinking of a million excuses simply because it is so hot out, I just didn't want to leave my comfortable house and face the heat.  Thankfully after a hustle-bustle kind of morning and hearing from others who were traveling with me, I began to get a bit motivated for the afternoon and today 7 of us went to show some love.

I was surprised when we approached the park.  Many men were already lined up to go through the clothing line and ultimately come through the chow line. Being that this is a ministry that is done right on the sidewalks we mostly see men as the women and children may find shelter elsewhere.  In this heat, 98 degrees in the shade, I was surprised to see anyone outside, but then again, where would they go? There are some cooling shelters here and there, but most aren't wanting to leave their community or their living locations. They're concerned that someone else may claim their piece of land.  

The time goes quickly and we are busy every minute. Young to old today went with me to serve, from 20 years old to seniors in their seventies. Nice!  All the while I kept thinking about what I could be grateful for on a day like this.  Well, for one thing, there was a little cool breeze under the trees where we set up.  We also had some super nice people coming through the line and it isn't always that way.  I was also grateful that I knew in my heart this discomfort was momentary.  In a few hours we would be driving 30 miles back in air-conditioned cars, going to air-conditioned homes and having a place where a nice shower could be had.  I used to take on every one's struggles and wonder and worry about them all the time. But God said that isn't my job.   The 12 steps has helped me learn a very tough thing ~ not to feel sorry for those we help.  No one needs my sympathies, they just need my helping hand. Great peace comes by doing what I can, when I can and where I can.  The rest takes care of itself. 

Ninety minutes later it was time to close up. The food was consumed, the watermelon was gone and soon the beverage bucket held nothing but ice cubes which we offered out as well. Not a drop of water could be found, but a good time was had by all.

11th Step:  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. 

11th Promise: We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

Life is good.