The Letter

She would be 43 years old today.  I've often wondered if she would have red curly hair like me or straight brown hair like her father. What would she have been like as an older sister of two younger brothers? Would we have had a close relationship?  I dreamed it would be so. 

That entire pregnancy was out of order. From the very beginning nothing seemed to be typical but then again, what is typical from one pregnancy to the next? I was quite ill and ended up in the hospital for nearly a week as I couldn't keep food or water down at all. Nothing. The medical term used was Hyperemesis gravidarum.  Snazzy, eh? It just means excessive vomiting and dehydration, but I like their name better. It seemed to validate how sick I really was. 

I barely gained any weight with this wee one but considering how little food I kept down that wasn't surprising.  Finally, as the months ticked by the sickness sort of settled down, but not entirely.  Into the 7th month the shower invitations had just been sent out and my anticipation grew.  I felt reserved a lot as I'd heard other moms discuss their pregnancy and knew that I wasn't experiencing most of the things they mentioned,   and at my next appointment due to some concerns my doctor had,  I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound as that's the only place they were done. In fact, there was only one hospital in the whole Detroit area that performed the ultrasound.  This procedure was brand, spanking new! For several hours the staff took dozens and dozens of pictures while my mom waited for me. Eventually the head of the department came in and said they were having trouble getting the kind of picture results they hoped for and thought it might be the machine so they moved me to another table in another room for even more pictures.  My back was aching but I decided it was just from laying so long on cold tables as they continually pressed and nudged my tummy while trying to get something better in each picture than the one before.  Shortly afterward, when I was home that afternoon, my doctor called and said I needed to come in for an X-ray ASAP. My personal radar suddenly launched into an alerted feeling. An X-ray on a pregnant woman? We agreed I would be in his office first thing in the morning but throughout the evening I struggled to sleep and was up and down with discomfort, mostly in my back. 

Early the next morning before the world was waking up, my water broke. And I mean broke like a fire-hydrant that had just been opened up for the kids to play in on the streets of Detroit. When I stood up, I knew something was very wrong. We made the call to the Doctor and hurried to the hospital which was about a 20 minute drive from home.  The nurse sedated me when we got to the hospital, but delivery was happening so quickly I could hear everything the medical team was saying. Soon I delivered a still-born baby girl with Anencephaly and a few other deformities that can accompany neural tube defects. In an instant our dreams were dashed! I felt my doctor take my hand and rub my arm trying to speak to me, but when I didn't respond he asked out loud if the baby had been baptized and would someone go get the father.  I wanted to shout out to him, but couldn't utter a sound or make a move. What just happened?? What does all of this mean? 

I thought a lot about that day in 1977 as a young co-worker celebrated her 38th birthday today.  I rushed home from work to look for a letter my father wrote and brought to me in the hospital which I read late that night alone. It's the most special letter I've ever received and at times through the years I've pulled it out to read it again when I need to strengthen my resolve.  Had I read it with wisdom when I received it, I possibly would have avoided other years of struggle in my life, but I was still foolish in so many ways for a long time. 

I want to share parts of this most personal letter with you in the hopes that you will find some words here that can apply to any difficult situation you've encountered or are now going through.  

"First, do not love your grief.  Grieve, but endure and grow from it." Wise, eh? We all know someone that has never moved past a grievous event in their lives. "For some reason God has determined you should not have a child at this time. Accept this fact; do not question for that leads to self-doubt and self-pity."  

Loaded with wisdom. 

"Consider your goals in life. Your loss will certainly cause you to examine your life-style and ambitions. You will be different because of this event but you must go on.  Do not be bitter for that is self-pity and not a reflection of maturity. Try to determine what abilities you have and develop them to serve yourselves and others. Be humble, not humiliated and try to do good without boasting about it."  

Deep, guiding wisdom. 

And lastly Dad said, "I know it is hard to see right now, but by serving we are served."  

Is there somewhere in your life you can put this wise and true statement into practice? It really can change your life perspective and give you just a moment of relief as your focus changes from inward to outward. You will be richly rewarded with peace. I am blessed beyond measure to have this profound love note in my father's handwriting still with me to this day. This letter has impacted my life and more so as I have grown older, and hopefully wiser. 

As they say in recovery, take what you need and leave the rest. This letter may have no bearing on the situation you are in right now, but if you look hard enough, this letter will have great bearing on your own life today and in the days ahead if you so choose.  

Happy Birthday, sweet baby of mine. I can't wait till the day I can cup your beautiful, perfect, healthy face in my hands and tell you how much I've loved you all these years.  

What's On Your Bookshelf?

This summer I purposed that I would read more.  I used to love to sit and read for hours, but in the pace of life those days are precious and few not to mention that when I curl up and read I fall asleep. It's taken a lot of practice to be able to sit again and not feel lazy by passing the time away leisurely reading. 

When I first began recovery and even through the years since, I've found that a lot of my reading time has been wrapped up in the topic of recovery from every angle. Some days I couldn't get my hands on anything quickly enough to pacify my pain or answer my frenzied search on the what, why and when questions I had of enabling and codependency.  Soon, my bookshelf contained the excellent writings of Melody Beattie and Angelyn Miller to name a few and I couldn't take it in quickly enough. Boundaries, CoDependent No More, The Language of Letting Go and The Enabler consumed my every waking hour outside of work. 

As excellent as those books are and as medicinal as they were during various times in my life, I soon found that I was often looking at the world through a frown; the topic of recovery and addiction had become an addiction to me.  I wasn't balanced on any scale in my world, and soon I was eating, drinking, thinking recovery on every level of my life.  As we know, addiction to ANYTHING is deadly.  Over time, my chaotic living began to settle just a little bit at a time and I began to see that there was another world beyond my obsession and it was going on without me!  Music, movies, reading for enjoyment (not denial), art fairs and theater.  My world began to open up as I learned to no longer be consumed by the addictive behavior in Cliff's life and in my own.   If you are new to the world of recovery, come on in!   But learn as quickly as you can to be educated and pro-active but not consumed by all things recovery.  That's just as unhealthy as enabling and codependency. 

What's on your bookshelf?   What are your interests?  If you're stuck in a rut due to mind numbing living, ask your friends to suggest something light and easy.  Take the time to sit under a shade tree and listen to something that you can sing along with. Work on a jigsaw puzzle with a younger child or grandchild. Expand your horizons!

Step out of the ash heap and smile because staying in it won't change the ones you love.  You may as well make yourself lovable and remove the frown that the whole wide world sees you wearing.  

You are only promised today. Be set free and read! 

Her God Moment

When I first began writing this blog, I talked about Son #1, Lovely Espousa and mini chick along with Cliff.  This comprised my little family in early 2008 when recovery was brand new to me. Oh, I was aware of meetings and groups and AA and Al-Anon for years but just didn't understand the effects of other people's life choices on me, nor my choices on them. At that time, our family was in a very hard place and each one of us were in our own places of life, often found licking our wounds in a corner somewhere.  A glance here, a quick word there often left someone feeling wounded, angry or misunderstood.  At times, I was certain that we were headed down a path that would leave us all disconnected for the rest of our days on this earth. But God, being merciful to His hard-headed children, heard this hard-headed daughters prayers and answered.  

"Call to me and I will answer you" He promises.   So, as families do, we elbowed around a bit and each one of us continued to find our place and address our own "stuff" individually. Fast forward now six years later, and what a difference God has made in all our relationships! Particularly Lovely Espousa and me, who will forevermore be known as Daughter-in-love. So before I tell today's true story, I share all this to say that even when you can't see, feel or hear God, He's at work behind the scenes if you will just ask Him. Practice all you've learned and have in your toolbox of recovery, and get out of the way. Your life does not have to stay the way it is today.  Now, for today's true story, please read on. 

My Daughter-in-Love has had a lot of heartache for a young woman.  Before she met Son #1, she was in a relationship that was unhealthy.  Lots of stuff that isn't mine to tell, but you all know the stories of teenagers struggling to find their place in this world, in their family and relationships.  DIL was the same as you and me.  In that relationship, she had a beautiful baby girl, red-haired no less (I'm partial), and as cute as she could be!  One day, DIL came home to find that her wee bairn had passed away.  Suffice it to say that a horrible, unintentional thing happened and sweet pea went to heaven before her six month birthday.  That relationship ended and some months down the road DIL was in recovery after using whatever she could find to medicate the pain away.  She met Son #1 in recovery and the rest is history.   

It's a tragic story, to say the least. I can't even imagine the anguish of losing a healthy baby but I know it personally happened to two women in my life that I love dearly.  When I met DIL, she surely was in a deep place of grieving and working out all that was happening in her life.  

The first few years of Son #1 and DIL's marriage was fraught with trauma.   I couldn't find my way into the intimate place I longed to be.  I tried to find my spot as I wanted so much to have DIL as a friend, a companion and a daughter I never had.  Where I thought I was helping, I may have been nagging. What I thought would be my rightful place, wasn't defined.  So we continued to meet and then retreat into our corners working it out, working it out, working it out.  By this time, I was going to recovery meetings faithfully. The message that kept being repeated through reading, listening and praying was "stand firm, take the next step for yourself and wait". THAT didn't seem like it was helping me!! But, little by little over time, I began to step back from the magnifying glass and let God do His work. All the time, I thought He would fix that one, or this one, or better yet THAT one over there when all the while He was "fixing" me!! Oh, He was teaching me so much more than I could have ever tried to learn. 

As I was working out some of my stuff, DIL was always working out some of hers, too. Slowly the hardened walls  between us began crumbling down and the gift of communication began to come through.  We would talk and listen when we could get together.  Forgiveness was given between us as healthier love began forging a new relationship that I never dreamed would come.   DIL began to see that God in His loving way, longs to be in our lives, in all our stuff, and to walk with us in a more peaceful harmony.  She experienced first hand God's long reaching arm of forgiveness no matter how old the transgression. It was a beautiful thing to observe. 

Recently in conversation, my DIL began to tell me about what she called a "God moment" in her life.  She explained that someone she loves who is active in AA met another girl who has recently gone through a similar heart break with her child that DIL lived through.  He wondered if he could give DIL's contact information in case broken-hearted girl wanted to talk to someone who "knows what it's like". DIL agreed to be available if ever she wanted to talk.    As I listened to DIL tell me about her encounter, my mind went to a couple places.  First, I thought to myself "oh lovely one, would you have ever imagined being able to share your story and supporting another one through it?"  DIL looked so pretty and at peace as she recalled her encounter.  She was eager to be used this way which tells me that through her hard work of recovery and relationship with the Creator of her heart, she has come to a place of accepting and releasing what happened with her red-haired girl. 

Immediately I thought about a passage in Scripture that says  "God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us". (2 Cor. 1:3  The Msg)    And, almost simultaneously, Step 12 came to mind as well, urging us to carry the message to others after we've had a spiritual awakening.   

It all goes hand in hand, God's great big plan.  He wants us free from all the demons that try to keep us embittered, sad, in pain and lonely.  Our pain is not wasted and it's the place where we can gain our best wisdom if we Let Go and Let God, as recovery folks say. 

God bless you, DIL.  I'm so pleased to see the changes in your life that is bringing you underlying peace, joy and a beautiful smile every time I see you no matter what the day holds.  

In loving Memory

HBC and Cliff 2010

On January 10th, he hit his 27th birthday. 

He was a son. 

He was a brother. 

He was a grandson.

He was a nephew.

He was a fiance'.

He was a father. 

He was a friend.
He was an addict. 

On January 14th he was dead.  One of Cliff's closest friends over the past five years was slip-sliding away on the slopes of addiction.  When Cliff met H.B.C. they were both working out, trying to develop some healthy life choices and avoid the demons that were waiting to pounce on them.  Cliff was six months out of prison and 1-1/2 years clean from drugs; the longest stretch in 15 years. 

H.B.C. had a personality as big as life and loved to have fun and made it his job to be sure that everyone else was having fun too. But H.B.C. loved money, fast easy money and found a way to enjoy the trappings of dealing K2, which at the time was considered a safe, natural and legal alternative to marijuana. Cliff and I had many an argument about this synthetic pot and all the ill effects of using it, which seems to have a reverse side effect of pot.  Many users have had symptoms of drug induced psychosis episodes, violence and death.  Cliff did not indulge but thought it was okay for others. 

K2 also provided H.B.C. the money to live like a king and eventually when money wasn't available by those desiring to purchase, pills became the bartering exchange to which H.B.C. became a powerless man.  You name it, he took it.   H.B.C. lived a life of risk-taking, a telling symptom of an addict.   Eventually over time, Cliff  began to see what this mess was doing to his friend and more importantly, began to see that he had to distance himself from the group.  

Cliff called me frantically on Tuesday morning to see if I could find anything on the Internet stating H.B.C. was dead.  It was too soon for any announcement and when it was finally posted, it was briefly stated that this would be a private shiva.  I can only imagine the phone call H.B.C's mother received as I had expected a call far too often during Cliff's drug years.  I always felt that had I got the call, Cliff's funeral would have been private too.  

I had dinner with my son last night. He didn't have much of an appetite and every now and again the tears would rise to the surface and bring Cliff to a silent weeping.  He was going through the process of all those in grief of what he could have/should have done.  He was especially sorry because they were having a texting war of disagreement as Cliff was trying hard to love with detachment, but may have just given words of detachment with no love which happens often in frustration and chaos.  Cliff said H's death drove home even more the reason to stay clean. His friend's life was snuffed out way too soon and probably unintentionally and how he tried so hard to get through to H, but H just didn't seem to hear him. He also said he had just a glimpse of how I must have felt when I tried to talk to him too about changing his life. I encouraged Cliff that he can use this in his life to urge others to walk the recovery walk.  I was never more thankful for where each of us are today.

When we parted I hugged my son a good long time and told him I loved him and was so sad for H's mother but so thankful that it wasn't him. Those were hard words as I felt a little selfish having my son in the flesh standing in front of me while another mother cries out that she will never be able to hug her firstborn again. 

Reality bites hurt and you can't avoid them no matter what lifestyle you live. Not one more soul needs to be lost this way.  If you love an active alcoholic or addict, make sure they know you love them and are always urging them to win.  Meet them for a meal, buy them some warm socks or shoes if they need them.  Let them take a shower.  Show some love especially if they don't deserve it. They are still one of God's most precious creations. 

May God bring comfort to those still standing and strength to the sick and suffering. 

Laura