Hope Through the Years

Life. Recovery life. Purposeful living. Through each passing year we learn more about how to care for ourselves realizing care for ourselves is not selfish care.  We learn more about compassion for those who are still struggling in the world of addiction and other abuses and all the chaos it brings. And for some like me, it only deepens our faith and trust in the Living God.

Yesterday was Cliff’s 43rd birthday. Yikes!!  How did he get to be my age so quickly (joking, of course!).  I still feel so much younger than the calendar says I am!  Cliff and I are now worlds apart as I am in Scotland serving the Lord and he is in Michigan making his life happen.  Fifteen years ago, life was a stinkin’ mess. Cliff was in the height of his heroin use and I was in the height of my sleepless, hand-wringing nights trying to cope without good coping skills.  That is a learned thing, you know.  Coping requires a sound mind and practiced choices, and I had neither of those skills in my backpack of life. I am so thankful to say that way of life is behind Cliff and it’s behind me.  We each arrived at different times to our healing and wellness but God in His mercy never let go of either one of us. 

Slowly but surely, Cliff is re-aligning his thinking with good and healthy thoughts.  I’ve been the recipient of several sincere phone calls within the past year.  In the first call a few months back he thanked me for always pointing him to God throughout his life even when I wasn’t necessarily walking strong with the Lord.  His comments were an affirmation to my restless heart when the enemy tries to tell me all the things I did poorly as a mother. I was really caught off guard by his recollection and appreciation all these years later to the things he resisted against for so long.  It was salve to my soul.

Yesterday as we chatted for Cliff’s birthday, it was such a nice and simple conversation about his day (he worked) and any celebrating he might do. His work had a small cake for him and many wished him a happy birthday. He had received a few texts early in the morning and he was quite happy to receive those before he went to work. Then when we spoke, he was planning on making his dinner and probably watch a movie once the animals (birds, squirrels and yard cats) were tended to. One more time, Cliff threw me for a loop when he said “Oh! Mom, before we hang up I want to tell you something - I want to tell you that I’m proud of you (gasp!). I know I have not always said it or felt it but lately God has been revealing some things to me and one of them is how selfish I was in expecting you to be perfect while I was a mess.  I’m sorry I held you to that expectation.”  Another memorable mom moment that will be stored forever.  We (my two sons and me) didn’t have a lot of those exchanges (very, very few) over his life as the turmoil (not always his) was often on an extreme level of struggle.  To see him enjoy a quiet birthday as an adult and to pour out a blessing over me was an inward major change and brings peace to my heart.

And, it's been a healing process in his heart which is separate from the healing in mine that can only come from God. In Scotland, I am in a Hope Group that uses nothing but the Word of God for changing lives. And, if you were to take the original 12 Steps of recovery you would see that they line up with the truths of Scripture in every way.  For those of us who believe in the Living God we are being transformed day by day.  2 Corinthians 4:16 says  “That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.”  And, we walk with each other for support, encouragement and compassion.  

This little update doesn’t cover the years between my posts, but it does ring through with all the things I’ve spoken of before.  Never lose hope! Ever!! This has been a 30 year journey for Cliff and me since he was on the path of destruction. The path of destruction may look appealing, but it's a pure lie. Our lives were full of pain, sorrow and regret - faith didn't make this walk a breeze. The narrow path to healing was hard work and full of stumbles and re-starts. But, if God is part of your life and recovery, you can be sure He will walk with you every step of the way and the one you love too, if they will ask.  Let Him lead. 

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit"

Romans 15:13 NLT

The Letter

She would be 43 years old today.  I've often wondered if she would have red curly hair like me or straight brown hair like her father. What would she have been like as an older sister of two younger brothers? Would we have had a close relationship?  I dreamed it would be so. 

That entire pregnancy was out of order. From the very beginning nothing seemed to be typical but then again, what is typical from one pregnancy to the next? I was quite ill and ended up in the hospital for nearly a week as I couldn't keep food or water down at all. Nothing. The medical term used was Hyperemesis gravidarum.  Snazzy, eh? It just means excessive vomiting and dehydration, but I like their name better. It seemed to validate how sick I really was. 

I barely gained any weight with this wee one but considering how little food I kept down that wasn't surprising.  Finally, as the months ticked by the sickness sort of settled down, but not entirely.  Into the 7th month the shower invitations had just been sent out and my anticipation grew.  I felt reserved a lot as I'd heard other moms discuss their pregnancy and knew that I wasn't experiencing most of the things they mentioned,   and at my next appointment due to some concerns my doctor had,  I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound as that's the only place they were done. In fact, there was only one hospital in the whole Detroit area that performed the ultrasound.  This procedure was brand, spanking new! For several hours the staff took dozens and dozens of pictures while my mom waited for me. Eventually the head of the department came in and said they were having trouble getting the kind of picture results they hoped for and thought it might be the machine so they moved me to another table in another room for even more pictures.  My back was aching but I decided it was just from laying so long on cold tables as they continually pressed and nudged my tummy while trying to get something better in each picture than the one before.  Shortly afterward, when I was home that afternoon, my doctor called and said I needed to come in for an X-ray ASAP. My personal radar suddenly launched into an alerted feeling. An X-ray on a pregnant woman? We agreed I would be in his office first thing in the morning but throughout the evening I struggled to sleep and was up and down with discomfort, mostly in my back. 

Early the next morning before the world was waking up, my water broke. And I mean broke like a fire-hydrant that had just been opened up for the kids to play in on the streets of Detroit. When I stood up, I knew something was very wrong. We made the call to the Doctor and hurried to the hospital which was about a 20 minute drive from home.  The nurse sedated me when we got to the hospital, but delivery was happening so quickly I could hear everything the medical team was saying. Soon I delivered a still-born baby girl with Anencephaly and a few other deformities that can accompany neural tube defects. In an instant our dreams were dashed! I felt my doctor take my hand and rub my arm trying to speak to me, but when I didn't respond he asked out loud if the baby had been baptized and would someone go get the father.  I wanted to shout out to him, but couldn't utter a sound or make a move. What just happened?? What does all of this mean? 

I thought a lot about that day in 1977 as a young co-worker celebrated her 38th birthday today.  I rushed home from work to look for a letter my father wrote and brought to me in the hospital which I read late that night alone. It's the most special letter I've ever received and at times through the years I've pulled it out to read it again when I need to strengthen my resolve.  Had I read it with wisdom when I received it, I possibly would have avoided other years of struggle in my life, but I was still foolish in so many ways for a long time. 

I want to share parts of this most personal letter with you in the hopes that you will find some words here that can apply to any difficult situation you've encountered or are now going through.  

"First, do not love your grief.  Grieve, but endure and grow from it." Wise, eh? We all know someone that has never moved past a grievous event in their lives. "For some reason God has determined you should not have a child at this time. Accept this fact; do not question for that leads to self-doubt and self-pity."  

Loaded with wisdom. 

"Consider your goals in life. Your loss will certainly cause you to examine your life-style and ambitions. You will be different because of this event but you must go on.  Do not be bitter for that is self-pity and not a reflection of maturity. Try to determine what abilities you have and develop them to serve yourselves and others. Be humble, not humiliated and try to do good without boasting about it."  

Deep, guiding wisdom. 

And lastly Dad said, "I know it is hard to see right now, but by serving we are served."  

Is there somewhere in your life you can put this wise and true statement into practice? It really can change your life perspective and give you just a moment of relief as your focus changes from inward to outward. You will be richly rewarded with peace. I am blessed beyond measure to have this profound love note in my father's handwriting still with me to this day. This letter has impacted my life and more so as I have grown older, and hopefully wiser. 

As they say in recovery, take what you need and leave the rest. This letter may have no bearing on the situation you are in right now, but if you look hard enough, this letter will have great bearing on your own life today and in the days ahead if you so choose.  

Happy Birthday, sweet baby of mine. I can't wait till the day I can cup your beautiful, perfect, healthy face in my hands and tell you how much I've loved you all these years.  

So this is Christmas.....

"So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year over, and a new one just begun"

Each year the strains of this tune by the legendary John Lennon gain strength and echo out this famous question through the festivities of the season.  Dare I say that I'm not a huge John Lennon fan (gasp!) but I sing along with my generation whenever this song is playing. 

This season of the year which is a joyous celebration for so many, especially if you are a Believer of Jesus, is also a season of anguish for just as many at the very same time. "And what have you done?" echoes through my mind like a tolling bell reminding me of some things that have simply never changed. 

Oh, I spent years kicking it around and played out scenes over and over of what would be different if only I had made a different decision, but as you know if you're in recovery, that scenario is a dead-end street. Sometimes the residue of stinkin-thinkin creeps into a fairly routine life now, just to shake things up a bit if I'm not on my toes and wearing my shoes of awareness. It's easy to play the same record of regret over and over if this year isn't any different than last.  Perhaps you don't know where your addict is but repeatedly you set a plate for him at the dinner table just in case he arrives on your doorstep. You don't notice the others rolling their eyes when he shows up, or you choose not to notice because you think for a moment, the fatted calf has come home.   Maybe you don't leave the house because, you know, you don't want her to walk into an empty home on Christmas. When and if she does walk in, the turmoil wafts in with her, just like the cloud that surrounds Pig-Pen wherever he goes, but you choose not to see.

"So, what have you done?" Are you in the same boat as you were last Christmas and the year before that and the year before that? Oh, I surely hope not!

Addiction and alcoholism are no respecter of seasonal calendars and today someone's phone will ring with the news that their addict overdosed or their drunk blacked out and never regained consciousness.  Are you sitting in the dark with the Christmas tree on counting your blessings or bracing yourself for that phone call? Are you in a state of mourning year after year for what can't be changed?  Have you taken the steps this past year walking into wellness with others who will support you if your phone rings with tragic news? 

Perhaps your vision is blurry with one bad decision after another. But here's the good news - Jesus was born for this situation.  Yes, contrary to what many would say, Jesus came back for the sick, not the righteous.  He came to redeem the wretched man or woman, not the one who toes the line, believing they don't need a Savior while looking down at the others.  Jesus also came to help you walk out of that chaos.

Possibly you have a relationship with Jesus but stumble through the debris of loving an addict.  You're most definitely not alone but you can trust that God doesn't want you to continue to choose someone else's life over your own well being and relationship with Him.  Jesus was born in a stable to reach even the most downcast soul and lead them in a different direction if only they choose to walk with Him.  You can choose for yourself, too.  If the one you love won't decide to live a clean and sober life that's up to them but you can decide differently for yourself and be set free! The choices they make have nothing to do with your heart of celebration today or any day.

Remember the father of the Prodigal Son?  He didn't run around town asking people to keep an eye on his son who was determined to go his own way and purposely live against the Jewish laws he was raised to respect.  He didn't try to circumvent the problems at all.  No, he just merely kept an eye out for his return and when he came home a changed man, the father welcomed him home with joy!

I pray that if you celebrate Christmas today, that you will find joy in the midst of those you are with, and if you are alone today, don't look for reasons to feel sorry about it.  Watch a movie you've been wanting to see, read a book that's waiting to be opened.  Play the music you love at the highest volume you can handle.  Take a walk, make something you like to eat, but just be sure to find some joy in your day and a reason to be thankful.  Watch the Grinch or It's a Wonderful Life and see if you can relate to the ending!

Christmas isn't about romance, food comas or gifts galore. It's about God's love for you.  Find it - believe it and walk in it.  I promise - you WILL find joy.

Merry Christmas!   

The Struggle is Real

You know, it's been over 10 years since my son was in active addiction and for that my gratitude runs deeper than my words can express.  With the surging business of social media we are becoming much more aware of the far reaching ravages of addiction and the pain strewn around like petals falling from a beautifully bloomed rose bush.  It's everywhere.

People are becoming more vocal about this uninvited guest that wormed its way into the midst of their homes, jobs, bank accounts and family gatherings.  It seems the unwanted, lurking blood-sucking traitors are now out in the open instead of tucked away in some dark, web-filled corner of the attic.  In many ways, this "outing" of the problem is good.  What was automatically considered a life of crime, is now thought of as a life of disease.  You will find 2 very strong opinions regarding this topic of conversation and how to handle the outcome of those stances.  Personally for me, I'm glad to see that the issue is coming out more in the ways of education and our culture realizing that the addiction is not the only identifying feature of the person we love.

Sometimes I'll read an obituary on FB, that has no relevance to me, other than a parent is grieving yet relishing the person beyond their battles. What were they known for? Perhaps they were a great dancer, a flourishing writer, or record-setting ball player.  Did they have a scientific mind that functioned on the realm of genius when they weren't in the battle at hand? Was the dearly departed beloved, the next king or queen of cuisine that was honing their skill when untouched by the thief of life? I'm thankful that life is now being celebrated beyond the ravages of sorrow, filled with pain and rejection. It's hard enough to grieve alone when your addict is actively using, let alone hiding your grief in death because we are still ashamed of the place and way they were or are living. 

If you had known me 20 years ago, you wouldn't recognize me as the same person and you surely wouldn't believe that my son is the same man he was under the guise of a needle. My appearance isn't so different but my actions, reactions, ability to focus and hopefully my demeanor are markedly different from then till now.  Cliff's life is NOTHING reflective of the years of active using.  He's been clean from the needle for 10 years but has worked extremely hard in the last 2 years to make changes since his past addiction.  It's not been easy for either of us but when Cliff finally "let God" in to the places of hurt that hadn't been dealt with, he slowly began to make life-changes that I believe will follow him all of his days.  Isn't this what every parent dreams of?  

Cliff has come to the realization that even though much of his childhood was filled with angst, anger and abusive situations, his choices now are up to him. He's reading daily devotionals and letting the truth of God's love for him fill into every joint and marrow that oozes positive choices, decisions and words, quelling the memories from days of old that attempt to stir him into a temperamental eruption.  Additionally, he's choosing a peaceful presence in all his surroundings which has flowed into my life, too.  I could take a lesson from Cliff in my food choices and exercise routine.  Those who follow a plant-based diet and movement for wellness (Cliff has been battling back and neck injury for the last 2 years) would laud Cliff's life-changes and call him king! It's quite possible the addict you love is one step away from the life-change you've been praying for.

For those still in the battle with your loved ones, I know the struggle is real.  But your support is more real - more real than you may believe.  Check for meetings in your community whether it be AA, NA or Celebrate Recovery.  Plant yourself in the middle of a well-run, long withstanding group that has years of recovery behind them.  Let yourself be loved in a healthy, supportive way because most likely you've been withholding getting close to anyone, as a form of unintended defense, for a very long time.  And make a list of what you love (loved) about your addict.  Don't let the enemy of your heart and soul rob you of all that is or was true.

Whatever you do, please don't try to manage this all alone.  There is a community of wellness waiting to help you see much more clearly than you can muster alone.  You're almost there.

"Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us"

Charles Kingsley 

*Picture from Google*

gustavofrazao - Fotolia

Mom, Take Your Eyes Off!

Next to Christmas and New Years day, the hardest holiday for families in crisis is probably Mother's Day.

Magazines, TV programs and ads, newspapers, radio and Facebook tout enduring pitches of what a great mother your mother was and the reward you should be giving her.  But I'd venture to say that most mother's of addicts and alcoholics are struggling to find their place today.   This holiday almost seems to be a competition as to which mother has been honored more by her adoring children.

After all, where would we be without our mothers?  Some people, however, didn't have loving mothers and are searching for someone to affirm them and validate their existence while some mothers are struggling to find their loving children underneath all the chemicals running rampant through their veins.

Perhaps each Mother's day rolls by with your stomach inside out in anguish wondering whether or not you'll get a glimpse of your addicted one. Maybe Mother's day is the same as every other day with all the chaos, fighting and tears that you've been enduring for weeks, months or years now.  "Nothings changed!"  you shout to yourself as you pull on the covers and put the light out on another disappointing, heart-breaking day.  You go to sleep with tears falling on your pillow and cursing the situation you are in, loathing the alarm that will jolt you awake in 7 hours for yet another exhausting day. 

"How will this ever be different?" you ask to no one in particular.  Heavy sighs follow.

One of the current buzz phrases is "change agent" and people are being urged to be the change they want to see.  Being codependent, we sometimes struggle severely to see that things really can be different. We take on the thinking that this life was merely meant to be endured and nothing better would come our way.  Oh, the lies of addiction affect the whole family!

But, if you could change something today, what would it be?  Don't lose a ton of time thinking about what you know you cannot change.  Instead,  if you could change one thing today for yourself what would it be?  Have you set any goals for yourself?  This isn't easy. We aren't used to focusing on ourselves in a healthy way. I am just beginning to set new, attainable goals and I've been working a program for 6 years.  

What would next Mother's day be like for you if you can make a reasonable change for yourself?  I used to imagine my special days with my children and grands around my feet. That really isn't the way it goes in my family and now I'm okay with that. The truth is, my sons and daughter-in-law don't love me any more or any less because we aren't all gathered together but for years the lies in my head told me differently.  Facebook and other venues may make you feel less loved or cared for, but you can stop that in its tracks right now. Stay off of Facebook if it breaks your heart. 

What can you do that lets love in and allows you to feel at peace?  For me, I took today off. Off from everything.  I didn't go to church which is rare. I would love to have been there but I attend a church that is 35 minutes away and was just in that area yesterday and will be there again tomorrow night for a meeting so I decided a week ago, that I was probably going to spend Sunday morning in my chair, with a cup of coffee and my feet up and my Higher Power, my Savior, is okay with that!  I watched "I Love Lucy" reruns and read the paper.  I made home made waffles and took a nap. I received messages from people that love me which includes my own offspring and watched my beloved Detroit Tigers while catching up on some overdue reading. It has been a perfect day!  In the past I may not have heard from one or the other of my sons and for some reason I let the drugs lie to me about how they really felt about me. Suddenly the day would be lost in "should haves and would haves and if only".  Ugh. 

I'm thankful and grateful that this program allows me to let go of my expectations, to still be at peace in my heart and to know when to walk away from Facebook. Just like I learned years ago to turn off the TV during Christmas when the messages were overwhelmingly laden with couples and romance and what I thought I was missing, I'm learning to not let anyone or anything dictate what these days ought to be and where my joy comes from.

So, I ask again, what will mother's day look like tomorrow? What will it look like next year? What changes will you make in your own life choices that will bring you joy and peace for each day leading up to next mother's day?  Remember  that it's just one day at a time so you don't have to change every messy thing today. It's a process, sometimes slow and laborious but a process nonetheless. You will see that you are different than you were 30 days ago, six months ago and each passing year.   

Take your eyes off your addict.  Look out the window and see how many different kinds of birds are in your neighborhood.  It's that time of year to plant a garden or container that will bring joy to your heart.  Take your eyes off your addict.  Read a book that challenges your thinking or takes you on a brain vacation. Take your eyes off your addict. You are a good mom and you are loved.  Don't hang your head any more for the choices your addict has made. Don't bury yourself for your past parenting mistakes made in love. Get some support and friends who will see the talents and gifts you have been given.  It sounds trite but Let Go and Let God. 

Mostly take your eyes off your addict and place them on God who cares for you more than you'll ever know.  Bask in His love for you as He longs to lead you into something new and loving and exciting. 

Happy Mother's Day from one change agent to another! 

Practice the Pause

Spring seems to be showing itself around here, unseasonably early. Most are welcoming the weather with great joy! I like it too, but am somewhat apprehensive that winter is over just yet. However, today is fabulous so I'll get out there and give my car some much needed attention. :) 

I claimed this year to be the year of de-clutter for me. When Cliff was in addiction, I probably really needed to do this mundane task but my mind couldn't make a solid decision on what to keep and what to toss. Some people are true taskmasters and relish the opportunity to dig in deep when their plate is loaded with family struggles. They find healing and clarity through the process ~ it's quite cathartic. Me? I was looking for love in all the wrong places - through food and a comfy chair with a blanket. I simply sank deeper into my personal world of woe and twisted my mind all around the challenge and life of my son. An unhealthy reality for me really had nothing to do with Cliff. I didn't have any skills in life care. And I didn't pursue them well. It was just easier for me to place the blame on everything else going on around me only I didn't notice that I was doing life that way. All of my statements began with "some day, I'm going to ..." or "some day, I'm going to be..." or "some day, my prince will come...".   You get the idea. 

Now, it's years later and thankfully Cliff is in a healthier place, but so am I. And my healthier choices are unrelated to Cliff's life choices. They are my own.  

The years can be helpful or hateful. I am happy to see that in my life, recovery has brought me to a place of well being and hopefully wisdom. I find that I've been able to learn to pause and listen to what God, my Higher Power, would like me to know. It comes slowly at times and often through prayer and meditation but sometimes through the affirmations of others in conversation. They don't even know they are being used by God to tell me something He wants me to know!

Learning to pause allows you to take a breath. Sit back and process what's really going on. Don't let others ever push you into something you aren't willing to say yes to.  The person that's trying to rush your decision  making process is usually out for one thing. Themselves.  

Pause often through the day. Let your spirit be at ease. Sometimes you have to practice the pause every hour just to get through the current reality.  Pause and pray.  

You've got nothing to lose but your own peace of mind. 

*Picture googled*

Valentine, Shmalentine

VALENTINE, SHMALENTINE!

Are you cringing with the approaching celebration of Valentine's Day? You know, that day that makes many hearts knot up rather than cheer up.  Billions of dollars ($13,290,000,000 in 2016) is spent worldwide but most of the spending is done in the US. We love a reason to romance, it seems.  

Over the years I've known many couples who choose to NOT spend and celebrate Valentines Day in the traditional fashion, but rather show love in a personal way that requires some thought and planning. Perhaps one partner rising before the other to be sure the coffee is brewing nice and early.  A handwritten note of what makes your loved one special in your eyes, or celebrating with your favorite burgers as a splurge for the week. There may not be a lot of glamour with those options, but they are options that could make a memory to last a lifetime. 

As your family is facing a day of unwanted turmoil in the midst of crisis, how can you show love, especially for yourself?  The Codependent, Enabler or Caregiver is often passed over on days like this. It's a lonely day of feeling unloved, uncelebrated or more simply, unnoticed. 

What choices do we have? I hope you're still not hibernating through your chaos. I hope you've found a support group or recovery meeting to call home and a group that you can do some fun things with, too. We often get into groups and do nothing but hone in on all of our problems and worries. There's no help or healing in those types of groups. Find people that know how to celebrate each day despite the choices others are making and who urge you on to a brighter future for you. 

Learn to appreciate that you are a child of the Creator who longs to see you step into His plan for you. That plan wasn't to be torturous or sad.  So, what to do? 

Take a child to a movie or take yourself! There are plenty of good movies to choose from and they aren't all romantic comedies if that's your stumbling block. Here are a few other suggestions: 

• Save your pennies through the year and splurge on a little something for yourself if you need to feel the extra love on Valentines day. 
• Go to the salon, or get a pedicure or look for a sweet bracelet that means something to you. Too much money? Buy a new color of nail polish or download some of those coloring pages you like so well. 
• Visit your local florist. A few roses in a vase can lift anyone's spirit and they don't cost an arm and a leg. Still too much? Choose my favorite: Carnations!
• Get an Ice Cream Sundae - Go ahead!! 

You get the idea. I know several area groups that have had Stupid Cupid nights which involved singles and marrieds. Pot-Luck meals and games and tons of laughs which does a heart good.  The Bible Says "A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing. But a broken spirit dries up the bones."  When we allow our feelings and emotions to rule our day it shows all over us!! 

Remember, the 3C's.  You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. 

Find your joy today!

Oh, and these are for you  =)

The Times They Are A-Changin

Happy New Year! 

2017 is here whether we like it or not. And the song by Bob Dylan from 1964 is as relevant as ever. "The times they are a-changin". I've made a lot of personal changes in the last few months as previously shared and so I was beginning to look forward to this year with great anticipation and excitement as to what might lay ahead. 

Of course, the pivotal political scene is looming large but I'm looking beyond it at my own place and my own pace and the part I play living in the here and now. Challenged a few weeks ago by a group I'm part of to come up with my personal word for this year, I pondered and noted and reasoned within to see what word would suit the year ahead.  At first I was entertaining the word Discipline as it's a lifestyle I earnestly seek in many facets of my life. So I noted Discipline as a contender for this year. Another word that I played with in my dance to and fro was Freedom. I preferred the sound of Freedom over Discipline as it just had such a "spin around in circles and twirl your dress" kind of feeling for me. Sort of a feeling that I would have wings and soar wherever I wanted to go as high as I wanted or dive down at a great rate of speed, only to pull up on my own wings and soar again. Or to merely float in an ethereal type of meandering through life causing everyone to wish they were me. Truly Freedom seems the opposite of Discipline and yet you really can't have Freedom without Discipline.  But all that changed last night. 

A few years back I designed a website entitled Enabling Love just like this blog page. But I noticed a while back that when I went to view my pages, they were nowhere to be found. Knowing that this would take some uninterrupted time on the phone with my provider, I didn't address it until last night. "Hmmm" they said, "let's have a look see."  Well, 65 minutes later (see? you need an open ended amount of time) it turns out that something disconnected from one part of the website to the other and needed to merely be corrected. It wasn't anything I would have known or would have done intentionally.  We tweaked a few more things over the phone and the provider told me that my page would come back as originally designed and be up and running shortly.  However, as you may have guessed, what should have happened and what actually happened are two different things.  It turns out that my website will have to be redesigned and that doesn't necessarily make me happy and yet it gives me a thought of a new direction for Enabling Love. A change of sorts. 

I had been contemplating making this change for some time as I began to realize that I have so much more to discuss with you then always my walk in recovery. Now, my recovery and the walk through the years of addiction within my family have certainly been a HUGE part of what shaped me but it isn't all I am. I began to feel last year that I wanted to take this blog up a little more. Breathe deeply and exhale slowly because we are so much more than what hardships have come our way.  We were created for more! 

Enabling has two meanings but most of our culture has come to relate it only to a negative action connected to addiction or alcohol abuse. In the negative aspect, enabling describes dysfunctional behavior and codependency patterns that makes any parent, spouse, child or sibling add another heap of guilt and shame onto their own sagging shoulders. 

Enabling is also referred to in a positive manner as an action that empowers someone to soar above the clouds (wear your wings!); the ability to accomplish something that takes work to finish. When one is empowered they are confident and capable of seizing opportunities that come along. Can't isn't on the radar screen.  

What a difference, eh? 

So, with that being said my new word for this year is Change and along with that my website and blog will be making changes too. It will still have references and resources to assist those desperately looking for help during the crisis and chaotic situations that come with addiction and alcohol. But hopefully, it will also offer some bright outlooks, good stories and wellness to soothe your soul, too. After all, if we only wear the gas mask we are limited by the reservoir of stale air in the tanks we wear until they are empty. We need to shed those gas masks and allow the air of good living and God's Wise direction change our thinking and change our lives for the better. 

Remember what they say on an air flight? Put on your own mask first then you can help others.  In other words, take care of you. 

"If you change the way you look at things, 

the things you look at change."  

Wayne Dyer

Ho, Ho, Hum

Ah, Christmas!  It always messes with my mind. In my imagination I see the day played out like a scene from It's a Wonderful Life, but in reality it's probably more like Roseanne.  This year it was kind of the same. 

Though it's been years since my son has been active in addiction, the world of addiction and recovery is wagging it's tail behind me. For just about all my years as an adult, I have been single and often alone. What happens is that I used to seclude myself from the world in order to not face the drama or the truth of what was going on. It was less painful for me to fret at home alone than to have to look into the faces of others and try to read their thoughts, which I was certain were all about me and my struggles with Cliff. Problem #1 is the deceiver is such a liar but when you're vulnerable you will believe anything that makes sense to ease the pain. Problem #2 is it's not my job to try to read any ones thoughts or non-verbal communications toward me.  Sheesh. 

Now, many years later I have to work hard at not slipping back into my seclusion. What used to be my insane asylum is slowly becoming my sanctuary again and I like it. This has taken MANY years and tears and LOTS of hard work. Addiction and chaos are not polite or sensitive to the family members at all. It will hold you hostage if you let it. Even years after, I must remain on guard of my thoughts and actions. 

As busy as I can be, however, I still find myself with a lot of time alone. No phone calls, no visitors, no outings. Facebook can fill my heart with angst as I see people I love living the lives I had hoped for.  Even at my age, most communication with family and friends is via text, which I HATE.  I repeat, I HATE, but phones don't get answered so I've joined the ranks of texting. I'm quite a distance from my circle of friends so meeting up for a quick anything is not too quick. It requires planning ahead. Who's got time?  40  minutes away makes nothing quick. One thing after another ticks off the list of why I'm alone. Who can change it? Only me. Therein lies the problem. 

Many changes have taken place this year in my life.  Son #1 and Lovely Espousa have been married 11-1/2 years now and have a sweet little family with two precious daughters;  Mini-chick turned 10. Whaaaaa??.  Oh, the joy those little girlies bring to my heart, I can't even begin to express.  I have since retired (semi) and am fumbling around to find my way. Not aimlessly, mind you, but unplanned  just yet.  Because I try to pray about everything, I talked with the Lord about retiring for quite a while before the decision was made. Pressing on my heart, was that my family is getting older and I've worked hard for many years and missed out on some important relationships. I didn't want to watch the remainder of my days and years nor the ones I love slip away without spending some valuable time with them. Lo and behold, just a short time after I retired, my brothers cancer moved to his brain.  He's going to need some assistance and I will make every effort to be available as often as I can. He's alone 90% of the time, too. My healthy father is 87 but can use a companion on occasion to accompany him to Florida, for instance. Poor me ;) 


Thankfully, my relationship with The Lord, my Higher Power, has strengthened over the years and He can step through and diffuse the little landmines in my thinking and bring truth and reality to me with haste. He sorts through the issues and says "Laura, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."  (Phil 4:8-9 Msg.) He reminds me to draw close to Him, the Rock on which I stand and take my place with Him.  He encourages me greatly with my days ahead.  Look at this promise for our future in His Word: "But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I’m going to do!  For I’m going to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Don’t you see it?" (Isaiah 43:18-19). 

Recovery is available to anyone who truly and earnestly wants it. Seek out the better way of life. You don't have to do this in your own strength and most likely it won't stick and stay if you do.  God, who made you and knows you intimately and better than you know yourself, is just a whisper away. Truly, He will never leave you to figure this out alone if you ask Him. 

Just like I have to work on not "hiding out" I encourage you to also find your place and your group. It could be in a church or synagogue and it could also be at 12 Step meetings. Support each other in a positive way. Step out of the muddy puddle you're standing in now and begin with one new habit. Tell yourself the whole truth about the situation in your life and surround yourself with friends who you can count on.  Lean into your Creator. Your life depends on it. 

The 3C's

A few weeks ago, just as the new year was beginning, two dear friends of mine got the confirmation of what they each suspected. Their sons were active in addiction again; the timing was crazy since these two families don't interact. The anxious texts and calls were frequent and though I've been down this path for years now, I found myself frustrated that I didn't have "the answer" to give my friends.  And I know deep in my heart I don't have the answer for them. It took me a long time to learn that there isn't one answer that fits all.  And in fact, just as I had to learn to walk through the devastating pain of a loved one's addiction, I knew and they knew they had to process through the mess again.  These friends are recovery savvy.  They know these programs inside and out.  But still, when it's someone you love getting the news is like hitting a brick wall with your face and instantly the inability to swallow comes back.  The only difference this time around is that we've learned more quickly how to go to the source of peace.  We acknowledge much faster that we are powerless over others and their choices. And we realize we have to call out for a meeting and to surround ourselves with real, live people that will help support us through the days that are hard.  

When my friend said "I can't believe I'm here again, how did I miss the signs?"  it got me thinking about my own walk with recovery and Cliff.  Have I been lulled into a complacent place in life that I would miss the signs of returned drug activity?  Would I live in the pig pen named denial again before I would acknowledge the action?  

So, that led me to search out a meeting for me.  In all the years I've been working this out, I have always gone to Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery meetings.  I had never visited a Nar-Anon group though I thought about it many times.  These meetings certainly fit the profile of my life much more than Al-Anon, but they aren't as readily available as Al-Anon.  Or at least they weren't 10 years ago.  Nar-Anon is becoming a bigger group now and I was happy to find one less than 5 miles from my house.  I went last night and was glad I did.  The group size was larger than anticipated since many of the "family" meetings can be quite small.  Others were new last night, too.  One young woman had never attended a support group at all.  As I listened to each person around the table, I realized how thankful I am to God for the Steps and the program I have worked. I could recall with some who were still in such grave pain what confusion and pain that place was, and  connect with others like me who have found their balance in life and were able to share without hurting. Too much. 

How easily we can be roped into a different line of thinking if we're not careful.  Many who live in addiction/alcoholic lifestyles love to place blame on anyone else but themselves.  And so as a reminder to the newbies and myself, I mentioned the 3C's of recovery. The 3C's can help and if you need to do this daily, say the following out loud. Write it on your bathroom mirror or post it on your desk at work.  "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it". And then say it again until you believe it and know that it's true.  

It looks like I'll be dropping in on this meeting regularly, I do believe. It felt good to be in a different place spiritually, emotionally and mentally and hopefully I will bring hope to those around me, if they need it. 

Keep Moving Forward

So, it's been a while. A long while. I've thought of landing here so often in the last few months and have cleverly written such witty repartee in my thoughts that someone, somewhere would be applauding me and asking for more. Sigh.  

Life stands still for no one.  I'm not saying anything new or clever here, just a blatant reminder that if my blog is a priority for me as it once was,  I have to come by, sit down and share.  I make a lot of excuses since I'm on a sales desk all day long and sometimes those days become 9 and 10 hour days at a computer, on a phone or replying to the zillionth email.  Still, as important as this topic is for me I need to visit here more often.  This exercise has a way of sorting out  my thoughts; positive or negative and letting me sift through to separate the truth from fiction.  I have so much to share...it's hard to begin because I'd have to go back. Way back. 

I'll just begin with the last few months and move on.  I haven't mentioned Cliff in a very long time.  As I went to a few graduation parties this summer, and missed some graduation parties this summer, I thought to myself that Cliff had a bit of a graduation in his life, too.  The road to recovery is a long and never ending process, really, because we are changing month by month, day by day, minute by minute if we're willing. But sometimes it's not just addiction and all the behaviors that come with that life style that stall us from accomplishing our goals. Sometimes it's our own personality that's formed and developed or never matured that keeps us in a muddy place.  I, for one, often have to stifle a "who said?" or my eternal favorite "you're not the boss of me" comment.  I see and hear that behavior sometimes reflected in my offspring.  Gosh, I was hoping they would have picked up something better from me. 

Back to Cliff.  At long last, 8 years I think since he's used, Cliff has secured a real job as a permanent employee and for the first time is on a payroll with real benefits.  It was a graduation of sorts that came through some tough knocks and some unwise choices.  It also came with words that we all want to hear 'We'd like you to come and work for us permanently. You need us and we need you.'  Who wouldn't want to receive those words?  It won't be long before Cliff will be entirely on his own again, but in a far better way.  This time he's all grown up with a license and a car and something solid under his feet for employment.  It didn't come quickly nor easily but it came right on time - when he was ready. 

And sometimes the family members take a long road to recovery too, and when the dust settles they might find themselves pursuing the very thing that seemed to allude them for so long.  I am returning to school next month. I'm hoping to segue into a new career that will allow me to work according to my time frame, and not punch a clock anymore. This new goal should allow me to supplement my retirement when I get to cross that threshold.  My long term goal is to be a therapist for women and families in crisis mode. I lived there so long, it's my arena of comfort.  That could be good or bad, but I believe it's good. Wisdom comes through pain and we all love to talk to someone who's walked in our shoes. Wisdom also comes from slowly and methodically doing the right thing even if that means to stand and wait.  That took me a very long time to learn.  

I'm excited for the future for both of us.  It looks like we finally came to a place where we can retreat to our neutral corners, come to the middle and shake hands.  It feels good and I am blessed. 

I'll be back soon, I promise. 

One Day at A Time

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

In the solitude of my car yesterday, I was going through the years of recovery for me and for Cliff.  I recalled how I felt when I first began attending meetings with regularity. I couldn't handle the pain well and that's when I began to write. I needed an outlet somewhere but didn't know what to do. 

At first, I went to meetings like most parents do, desperate for someone to tell me how to save my son. How to stop the madness and chaos and I was desperate to understand why anyone would put something into their bodies so seriously unhealthy and dangerous that each time they handled a needle it was like playing Russian roulette. What hurt my son so much that we couldn't talk about it and get to the bottom of it?  

I didn't believe that I had to go to these meetings for me. "Don't you get it??" I shouted silently "I don't have the addiction. My son is going to die in some house in Detroit or Highland Park and no one will be able to tell me. They don't know me, they don't know how to reach me!? He's only 18, he's only 19, he's only 23"....and so it went day after day, month after month, year after year.  After attending meetings weekly for several months, the scales on my eyes began to loosen and fall away, a little at a time.   And still, the boundaries and denial played tricks on me. I needed to face the facts in order for some of "it" to stick and stay and allow me to pick through it and digest what I could, when I could. Like a heaping Thanksgiving dinner plate while fighting off a flu bug, I worked through the steps of recovery. 

Finally, a year later when Cliff went to prison I had my respite. I could step back from the mental squalor that surrounded me and really work on myself and my understanding of this mess without an addict constantly coming at me like a whirling tornado.  I began to sift and sort. Cliff found recovery and so did I. He would, in his own way, sift and sort through his "stuff" and is now just beginning to see some of the fruits of living life differently, with a plan and not a substance.  To this day, I sift and sort and probably always will. 

Driving to my meeting yesterday I remembered that one of the things I used to say and wrote about early in the beginning of this blog, was "if you had a child with a terminal illness you would do anything you could to save his life." So that's what I did.  But the difference is that a terminal illness randomly comes onto someone unexpectedly and they are then dependent upon the medical field and a miracle from God in heaven, to be healed. They are subject to this test and that exam to figure out the best way to treat their invasive life-robbing disease and sadly, sometimes there isn't any cure. The terminally ill person is facing a giant to which they no longer have the slingshot and stone that will take it down. 

Now the addict may also randomly find himself addicted when they take that first step to try something risky.  Suddenly their illness takes hold and directs their life choices.  They too, can put themselves into the medical fields hands for healing but the difference is they can be healed if they simply take a step to help themselves.  They do not have to face a death sentence unless they choose to.  It's a simple change that they have to choose for themselves. No one can hand it to them. They have to pick it up and walk to the next step, inch by inch, but they can be healed.  The key is in their hands. 

So all this to say, it's taken me a long time in these meetings to come to this "aha" moment of letting this part go.  Life choices for someone at 18 are different than someone at 25 and then again at 30. Cliff is now 7 years clean, and I am 8 years on a path of life-changing choices for me that free from all the garbage that I simply used to kick from room to room and try to make sense in my thinking.    

Hang in there. Your "aha" will come to you at sometime in your recovery walk as well. And then another "aha" will come along when you are ready for the next bite.   

Just keep taking life one day at a time. God will guide you. He promised. 

Unforced Rhythm of Grace

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  Matthew 11:28-30  (The Message)

When was the last time you read something from God that sounded so inviting and refreshing?  Did you think that recovery and God's Word didn't go together?  Look again. Be comforted. You are invited to rest and recover your life -  Your life! His Word doesn't ask you to come to Him to save your spouse, son, daughter or parent.  It invites you to come and recover yourself. Ahhhhhhhh.  I can feel my shoulders relaxing and loosening up.  I can sense the weight coming off of me as I breathe just a little bit deeper.  I love the invitation to come and "learn the unforced rhythms of grace."

Grace.  A way of moving that isn't stiff.  A charming or attractive trait.

The word grace conjures up many a picture in my mind.  Being that I loved to dance, especially ballet as a young girl, grace is a beautiful arabesque followed by a quick glissade into a spinning turn with skirts of chiffon twirling about me free and flowing while following a gentle pattern of beauty. Some of you might see Audrey Hepburn in your minds eye.  Others will see a soaring bird or a swimming swan with wings lifted to show its grandeur.  Each of these scenarios is an unforced rhythm ~ it just happens, involuntarily, unplanned movement. 

Grace. A virtue coming from God.

How I've enjoyed grace weaving it's way through my life allowing me to live freely and lightly but I didn't always have that grace in my life. Oh, I thought I did but when I was chasing after dreams, ideals and rules that weren't mine to have, live or enforce, I was living in a forced pattern of rigidity that brought me nothing but chaos, angst and sadness.   I just didn't realize it.  I didn't know how to let go and let God, so to speak.  I didn't realize how freeing it was that I could merely live my life and let others live theirs and that I could choose to be close or distant from the chaos and poison.  I knew nothing about love with detachment or boundaries. But, now, WOW!!

Grace, grace, God's grace.

God's grace allows me to let God be God and lets me be me just as God created me to be.  Little ol' me that doesn't have to keep track of what everyone else is doing and why they're doing it that way. Grace allows me to leave the ones I love and care about into the marvelous grace of God's hand where they too, may find the unforced rhythms of grace.   When we choose to let God be God in our lives it brings an overwhelming amount of grace to us and we learn to give grace to others.  We don't deserve anything more than those who haven't come to the table yet. But the only difference is we've made a choice to live in a powerless place which is right where God is waiting.

Grace. A wonderful gift!

Second-guess!

"I'll do my best today, without trying to second-guess every word or action."

Like most people these days, I choose to receive a myriad of daily e-mails to help encourage my walk in this life. Some are to help me grow spiritually in my walk with Jesus, others come from recovery based programs, and still others are general topics of encouragement that keep me focused upward in life.  It's so easy to look down, it seems if we don't train ourselves to focus on what is good, right, true and honorable. 

So today, in my email from Hazelden.org the "Today's Gift" came from "Walk in Dry Places" by Mel B.  and the closing line shown above was a perfect gentle nudge to remind me that I don't have to try to figure out or second-guess myself or what others are trying to say. Or what I THINK they're trying to say. I don't like it when others assume they know what I'm thinking or know what I meant, when their assumption is as far from my point as it can be.  I used to drive myself crazy second-guessing if everything I said was co-dependant, controlling or just plain wrong. I was in misery! 

Meeting with Cliff this past weekend for a minute or two was enlightening.  He mentioned how he's finally stepping out of the junkie thinking and applying some of life's most basic concepts.  Hard work generally gets noticed and pays off. Cliff found a job on Craig's List sometime back and that job has continued to lead him to his next paycheck two times now.  This next opportunity may land him into some permanent employment.  It's satisfying to hear his words and know that his life has changed and I no longer second-guess what he's doing, where he's going or how he's spending his money. 

I've learned the hard way to step back and just listen to others. I don't have to tell them I don't agree. By keeping my thoughts to myself doesn't necessarily mean I agree or condone them it just means I'm not in charge of anyone else's life but my own.  I try to choose to back out of conversations that used to lure me in, if it doesn't pertain to me. The best part though, is being free from second-guessing or trying to figure out things that don't belong in my brain space. I don't have room for anyone but my own life issues and don't have the knowledge or ability that the Creator has to re-align someones life choices. 

It's so freeing to be free from all the things that used to entangle me!

All pics googled. 

In loving Memory

HBC and Cliff 2010

On January 10th, he hit his 27th birthday. 

He was a son. 

He was a brother. 

He was a grandson.

He was a nephew.

He was a fiance'.

He was a father. 

He was a friend.
He was an addict. 

On January 14th he was dead.  One of Cliff's closest friends over the past five years was slip-sliding away on the slopes of addiction.  When Cliff met H.B.C. they were both working out, trying to develop some healthy life choices and avoid the demons that were waiting to pounce on them.  Cliff was six months out of prison and 1-1/2 years clean from drugs; the longest stretch in 15 years. 

H.B.C. had a personality as big as life and loved to have fun and made it his job to be sure that everyone else was having fun too. But H.B.C. loved money, fast easy money and found a way to enjoy the trappings of dealing K2, which at the time was considered a safe, natural and legal alternative to marijuana. Cliff and I had many an argument about this synthetic pot and all the ill effects of using it, which seems to have a reverse side effect of pot.  Many users have had symptoms of drug induced psychosis episodes, violence and death.  Cliff did not indulge but thought it was okay for others. 

K2 also provided H.B.C. the money to live like a king and eventually when money wasn't available by those desiring to purchase, pills became the bartering exchange to which H.B.C. became a powerless man.  You name it, he took it.   H.B.C. lived a life of risk-taking, a telling symptom of an addict.   Eventually over time, Cliff  began to see what this mess was doing to his friend and more importantly, began to see that he had to distance himself from the group.  

Cliff called me frantically on Tuesday morning to see if I could find anything on the Internet stating H.B.C. was dead.  It was too soon for any announcement and when it was finally posted, it was briefly stated that this would be a private shiva.  I can only imagine the phone call H.B.C's mother received as I had expected a call far too often during Cliff's drug years.  I always felt that had I got the call, Cliff's funeral would have been private too.  

I had dinner with my son last night. He didn't have much of an appetite and every now and again the tears would rise to the surface and bring Cliff to a silent weeping.  He was going through the process of all those in grief of what he could have/should have done.  He was especially sorry because they were having a texting war of disagreement as Cliff was trying hard to love with detachment, but may have just given words of detachment with no love which happens often in frustration and chaos.  Cliff said H's death drove home even more the reason to stay clean. His friend's life was snuffed out way too soon and probably unintentionally and how he tried so hard to get through to H, but H just didn't seem to hear him. He also said he had just a glimpse of how I must have felt when I tried to talk to him too about changing his life. I encouraged Cliff that he can use this in his life to urge others to walk the recovery walk.  I was never more thankful for where each of us are today.

When we parted I hugged my son a good long time and told him I loved him and was so sad for H's mother but so thankful that it wasn't him. Those were hard words as I felt a little selfish having my son in the flesh standing in front of me while another mother cries out that she will never be able to hug her firstborn again. 

Reality bites hurt and you can't avoid them no matter what lifestyle you live. Not one more soul needs to be lost this way.  If you love an active alcoholic or addict, make sure they know you love them and are always urging them to win.  Meet them for a meal, buy them some warm socks or shoes if they need them.  Let them take a shower.  Show some love especially if they don't deserve it. They are still one of God's most precious creations. 

May God bring comfort to those still standing and strength to the sick and suffering. 

Laura 

2012, We Bid Adieu!

As the end of another year draws to a close what are your thoughts?  Are you thinking "good riddance" or "wow, what a great year this was and I can't wait to see what 2013 will bring!" ?  For a long time option  number one was my choice and turning the page of another calendar year meant nothing to me. Nothing was going to change, I thought.  I was sooooo wrong!

Change your thoughts, change your life is a great and popular motto to live by today.  With recovery I would add, "change your thoughts, change your actions, change your life."  I have to add that middle step because you and I both know how we can live out our thoughts in our mind but still do nothing about it. Faith and recovery has allowed me to garner up the courage and strength to take my productive thoughts, put them into steps and receive a positive result of a changed life. That is followed by a changed heart.  Lighter, freer and more joyful.

So, what about you?  I quit doing resolutions long ago because as you know most resolutions aren't kept.  However, I am choosing to make some life changes even today going into the new year.  I attend church just about every week and am in touch with my faith family regularly.  Those you surround yourself with have the greatest impact on your life.  Yesterday the pastor was talking about a couple of things, but one of the things he referred to was how important it is to have remembrances of the changes and blessings that have come into your life through each year. You know there were events or situations that have come along and you felt overwhelmed or lost and wondered how you were going to get through it.   Time ticks by and soon it's weeks or months down the road and you find that you've survived or overcome that thing that tried to trip you up.  But oh, how easy it is to have these memories walk away quietly. Oh, you might never forget the major blessings and good fortunes that came your way, but what about the smaller players?  I was with my little family yesterday, all of us together, in the most healthy get together in years.  My heart was at peace and full of joy when "I lay my head down now to sleep."  I can now recall that my life hasn't always been full of sad addiction stories or sagas of enabling mishaps that ruled or dictated my life. No,  in fact I must call to mind all the ways that the Lord has walked me through the most tumultuous days of my life and has even blessed me through it. I want to remember how he placed people I had never met, into my path for the purpose of finding my way back to a healthy life no longer held hostage by addiction and step into the promises He has beckoned me too. 

So going into the new year, my cousin Leslie Hamp, posted a great suggestion that backs up yesterday's message about filling your new year with joy.   Here's the link to a great suggestion and I'm off to find myself a LARGE empty jar! I know at the end of  2013 I'm going to love to review all my love and joy notes!

Happy New Year! Expect something big!