The Letter

She would be 43 years old today.  I've often wondered if she would have red curly hair like me or straight brown hair like her father. What would she have been like as an older sister of two younger brothers? Would we have had a close relationship?  I dreamed it would be so. 

That entire pregnancy was out of order. From the very beginning nothing seemed to be typical but then again, what is typical from one pregnancy to the next? I was quite ill and ended up in the hospital for nearly a week as I couldn't keep food or water down at all. Nothing. The medical term used was Hyperemesis gravidarum.  Snazzy, eh? It just means excessive vomiting and dehydration, but I like their name better. It seemed to validate how sick I really was. 

I barely gained any weight with this wee one but considering how little food I kept down that wasn't surprising.  Finally, as the months ticked by the sickness sort of settled down, but not entirely.  Into the 7th month the shower invitations had just been sent out and my anticipation grew.  I felt reserved a lot as I'd heard other moms discuss their pregnancy and knew that I wasn't experiencing most of the things they mentioned,   and at my next appointment due to some concerns my doctor had,  I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound as that's the only place they were done. In fact, there was only one hospital in the whole Detroit area that performed the ultrasound.  This procedure was brand, spanking new! For several hours the staff took dozens and dozens of pictures while my mom waited for me. Eventually the head of the department came in and said they were having trouble getting the kind of picture results they hoped for and thought it might be the machine so they moved me to another table in another room for even more pictures.  My back was aching but I decided it was just from laying so long on cold tables as they continually pressed and nudged my tummy while trying to get something better in each picture than the one before.  Shortly afterward, when I was home that afternoon, my doctor called and said I needed to come in for an X-ray ASAP. My personal radar suddenly launched into an alerted feeling. An X-ray on a pregnant woman? We agreed I would be in his office first thing in the morning but throughout the evening I struggled to sleep and was up and down with discomfort, mostly in my back. 

Early the next morning before the world was waking up, my water broke. And I mean broke like a fire-hydrant that had just been opened up for the kids to play in on the streets of Detroit. When I stood up, I knew something was very wrong. We made the call to the Doctor and hurried to the hospital which was about a 20 minute drive from home.  The nurse sedated me when we got to the hospital, but delivery was happening so quickly I could hear everything the medical team was saying. Soon I delivered a still-born baby girl with Anencephaly and a few other deformities that can accompany neural tube defects. In an instant our dreams were dashed! I felt my doctor take my hand and rub my arm trying to speak to me, but when I didn't respond he asked out loud if the baby had been baptized and would someone go get the father.  I wanted to shout out to him, but couldn't utter a sound or make a move. What just happened?? What does all of this mean? 

I thought a lot about that day in 1977 as a young co-worker celebrated her 38th birthday today.  I rushed home from work to look for a letter my father wrote and brought to me in the hospital which I read late that night alone. It's the most special letter I've ever received and at times through the years I've pulled it out to read it again when I need to strengthen my resolve.  Had I read it with wisdom when I received it, I possibly would have avoided other years of struggle in my life, but I was still foolish in so many ways for a long time. 

I want to share parts of this most personal letter with you in the hopes that you will find some words here that can apply to any difficult situation you've encountered or are now going through.  

"First, do not love your grief.  Grieve, but endure and grow from it." Wise, eh? We all know someone that has never moved past a grievous event in their lives. "For some reason God has determined you should not have a child at this time. Accept this fact; do not question for that leads to self-doubt and self-pity."  

Loaded with wisdom. 

"Consider your goals in life. Your loss will certainly cause you to examine your life-style and ambitions. You will be different because of this event but you must go on.  Do not be bitter for that is self-pity and not a reflection of maturity. Try to determine what abilities you have and develop them to serve yourselves and others. Be humble, not humiliated and try to do good without boasting about it."  

Deep, guiding wisdom. 

And lastly Dad said, "I know it is hard to see right now, but by serving we are served."  

Is there somewhere in your life you can put this wise and true statement into practice? It really can change your life perspective and give you just a moment of relief as your focus changes from inward to outward. You will be richly rewarded with peace. I am blessed beyond measure to have this profound love note in my father's handwriting still with me to this day. This letter has impacted my life and more so as I have grown older, and hopefully wiser. 

As they say in recovery, take what you need and leave the rest. This letter may have no bearing on the situation you are in right now, but if you look hard enough, this letter will have great bearing on your own life today and in the days ahead if you so choose.  

Happy Birthday, sweet baby of mine. I can't wait till the day I can cup your beautiful, perfect, healthy face in my hands and tell you how much I've loved you all these years.  

Mr. McAlpine Is Here!

What happens when someone comes along and interrupts your joy and peace?  In chaos living, it's a common occurrence though for me, it's not so common any longer.  The tug-of-war of words is exhausting and mood-altering if we allow it to be.  Yesterday morning started out quite nicely beginning my day with a soothing cup of coffee and a gratitude list to God.  I love when the stillness of the morning allows me to approach the new day this way - it sets me on a good path.

On Friday night I had been to a couples home with a small gathering of people I dearly love. It was a Michigan summer evening performance that couldn't be beat with it's cooler temperatures, soft breezes and no humidity.  Great conversation, laughter and delicious food was the order of the evening, and I went to sleep that night with a contented heart.  So, thankfulness was coming easily to my mind Saturday morning as I began to thank God, one by one for the many blessings in my life. I went about the early morning preparing myself for what was ahead which included a day with my Dad to a school picnic where he taught upper elementary in the late 50's through the mid 60's.

In the midst of my perfect morning, something went awry.  A word spoken between the only two people living in this house went sideways and soon words were being tossed in tones determined to destroy.  It was ugly and the younger me began to do a mental audit of who I am against what was said.  It's one of those old habits that doesn't want to quit.

I finished my morning chores in silence, but mentally I was talking with God over and over about the issue at hand. I changed my clothes, got in the car to pick up my Dad and had barely gotten very far when I landed at a red light.  The continued beautiful weather meant windows were down and music played softly.  I was looking straight ahead when I heard the softest little "hiiii".  I looked over my left shoulder to see a truck next to me with the back window open and the sweetest little chubby hand waving at me.  This curly haired child, maybe about 2 years old, was greeting me with a little love that I know came from my Creator as a calming, soothing pat on my head reminding me that despite the words that were spoken that morning, my day is not ruined and the choices ahead of me for the next 24 hours are mine to make. I continued my drive to Dad's and when I got to his place to pick him up, he was sort of down, it seemed.  He said he didn't have a very good morning, so after having my own rough start I suggested we make the best of the rest of this day. 

We got into the car and as we drove he said "now, I don't want to stay to long.  I'll see some people say a few words and then we'll head home. I'll take you to lunch".   Well, okay I thought - we are going to a picnic but he didn't seem to want to get to comfy. I simply agreed with him and figured the day would play out as it should.  We arrived at the site, got out of the car and I began hearing small rumbles of conversation with words popping up of "Mr. McAlpine's here!" We moved around the pavilion in a slow and methodical way and one by one, people began sharing stories with my dad, retelling something he taught them, who they got in trouble with or Dad recalling their siblings by name or their father's profession.  Taped up around the pavilion on each support pole was a school picture of my Dad in his very early years of education. It was easy to see why he was so liked!  

As the time went by Dad began to settle slowly into the gathering and eventually asked me to get him some pasta salad.  He sat down, ate a little bit, conversed more and really began to lighten up at the memories being shared by this group of "kids".  Emotions were running a bit, which Dad doesn't like showing, when he said that Holcomb Elementary was his favorite assignment in all the years he was teaching. Many students also reminisced about the Paddle that was prominent in the classroom and prominent during that era of education.  As Dad began to relax it allowed time for the others to speak to me in a little more depth about their school years and memories of Dad. One by one, I heard over and over again, that "Mr. McAlpine was always my favorite teacher." One of the female students re-iterated to the group what I heard several times through the day - they had crushes on Dad and at pajama parties they would call our house, then hang up and giggle when he answered the phone! Remember 5th and 6th grade? Having a male teacher always brought along school-girl crushes and I remember a few myself. 

Repeatedly I was told, "he really loved his students and did a lot of things to keep us interested in learning".  Several women who are near 70 or so, said that Dad was the reason they became educators and they are still teaching today.  

Finally, one man said to me, "all those nice things they are saying about your dad are true, but don't get me wrong when I say that your dad was a hard-ass.  What I mean is that he was strict with us and we had to follow the rules closely.  He was a no-nonsense guy."  Now, he's talking about my Dad as that was true at home, too! The day ended with a re-written song which went into a birthday celebration honoring him as a wonderful teacher who's approaching his 90th birthday in October.  

What started out to be a questionable day for both of us, turned out to be a day filled with great love and enjoyment.  A little later Dad signaled to me when it was time to go, and when I pulled up with the car, he was surrounded by men and women alike getting in their last words with their favorite teacher.  

The students of Holcomb Elementary really honored "Mr. McAlpine" in a deeply, heartfelt way and when we got back to Dad's apartment, he hunkered down in his chair and snoozed into the evening sunset. My drive home was sweet to the soul and I have one more memory for my gratitude list 💖

So, when was the last time you heard some words that made you feel valued as a person? Not words about your clothing, your physical appearance or the car you drive but words about your character or behavior?  Yesterday was my last day of work at the oil company I joined last November.  When I was hired in I really believed I found my last forever place but it didn't go down that way. It's funny how we like to talk about what we will do tomorrow, next week, next month or next year because we feel like when we put a plan in place that we've decided well and it should not change quickly.  But that's not always the way it turns out. 

In the Bible, James 4:14-15 says: Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that."

The older I get the more I realize that our lives are but snippets of seasons.  God moves and directs us, whether you are aware or not, in and out of scenarios and situations for a season.  Your season may be years but it may be a moment in time. I'm thankful that I've come to a place in life that I recognize that when it's time to go, it's time to go. Why delay the next move if you acknowledge the One who directs your path?  

Finding my niche at the oil company was not hard, but the processes were difficult.  The software they purchased some years back was not at all sales or user friendly and seemed cumbersome and inefficient to me.  It created many extra steps needed on a busy sales desk to process an order because the program didn't connect all the dots to all departments as promised. Recognizing that I couldn't change the system or fight for improvement any longer,  I had to determine if I could fit into the process or move on. I had my eyes on several opportunities, when an opportunity came to me. It seemed right and brings me some flexibility that I am looking for so after some discussion with trusted friends and prayer for peace of mind, I accepted the new opportunity.  I gave my resignation. 

Two weeks later as I made my way through the management team and different departments to bid adieu, one by one I was told ‘whether you know it or not, your being here really made a difference for the better.’  I was stunned and more than that, I was thankful.  Instead of regretting the choice I made 7 months ago, I realize that this season seemed to be a needed confidence booster and training ground as I got my footing back in the race. It gave me time to gain a steady pace, brush up on the language of business semantics and hone my skills that God gave me making me a desired hiree even at retirement age.  It’s not easy to interview against potential candidates half my age, but if God’s behind it He will shine His spotlight on you! As I made my way through the ranks yesterday, I was told by a decision maker, that if things didn’t work out where I was going, to reach out and I would be welcomed back.  Nice!

Never count yourself out!

All pics googled 

Counting Your Blessings?

White Christmas is one of my favorite movies for so many reasons! Do you recall Bing Crosby singing Count Your Blessings?  Here's a little snippet of it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qmMaPTuTEE

When is the last time you counted your blessings with your loved ones or with the ones you love that aren't living exactly as you hoped? 

The other day, Cliff and I were discussing how time seems to be moving so quickly when suddenly he looked at the calendar and said that he was about to celebrate 10 years clean.  Ten years! Now that's something to be thankful for from his perspective and mine! 

After spending 15 years on the pathway to destruction Cliff had his moment with God who heard his heartfelt plea and removed him from the cavernous call of addiction into a life of freedom. The walk of freedom hasn't been without struggles, sometimes really hard struggles, but the call back to heroin has not been in his timeline since that day. In the same way the chaos has begun to become a thing of the past for me. Changes for me have also not come easily as one who was enmeshed in codependency and enabling. I thought I was being a good and loving mom. Ugh. 

As Cliff and I chatted he couldn't help but acknowledge just how much God had intervened and spared his life in moments of danger, provided food in moments of deep hunger and kindness from strangers when he was cold or alone. The conversation was one of gratitude and thanksgiving for Cliff. It soothed my soul as well as I thought of just how much God answered prayers in all kinds of ways for all types of situations. 

Sometimes when we're caught up in the molasses of someones addiction we struggle to find one thing to be thankful for. We can't see past our pain to the promise or hope for the future especially for the ones we love. But God says to give thanks in all circumstances! 

What?!? How in the world am I supposed to do that! Can't you see what I'm dealing with here? 

We speak to ourselves in negative and heavy ways and moment by moment we struggle to even get our eyes up off the ground.  We shake our fists at God in frustration and anger. We are so stinkin' tired of the battle that we lose sight of the hope and promise God is offering to us. 

But He says:  Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. 
(Col 4:2)

You argue in your heart and mind with this thinking. But as simple as it sounds, if we practice counting our blessings one by one, as we ask God to protect the ones we love and call them into healthy living, our own mindset and outlook on life gets changed. Do you have a roof over your head, food on the table and something warm to wear when you are cold? Be thankful! You've worked hard for it, for sure, but are you thankful for your job even if the circumstances are less than ideal? Do you own a car? Do you have  pet who loves you even if you're grumpy, sad or tired? 

Honestly, you can't do anything about another persons life choices. Nothing. What should be our response? Giving it all over to God in prayer and asking Him for help in our own situations that our attitudes and behaviors would be honorable. As a parent, child or spouse of one who is still caught up in a deadly life style, you have to let them go and take care of yourself. Don't waste the years on what you cannot change. Only God has that kind of life-changing ability! 

"If you're worried and you can't sleep

Just count your blessings instead of sheep

And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings"

(picture googled)

Mom, Take Your Eyes Off!

Next to Christmas and New Years day, the hardest holiday for families in crisis is probably Mother's Day.

Magazines, TV programs and ads, newspapers, radio and Facebook tout enduring pitches of what a great mother your mother was and the reward you should be giving her.  But I'd venture to say that most mother's of addicts and alcoholics are struggling to find their place today.   This holiday almost seems to be a competition as to which mother has been honored more by her adoring children.

After all, where would we be without our mothers?  Some people, however, didn't have loving mothers and are searching for someone to affirm them and validate their existence while some mothers are struggling to find their loving children underneath all the chemicals running rampant through their veins.

Perhaps each Mother's day rolls by with your stomach inside out in anguish wondering whether or not you'll get a glimpse of your addicted one. Maybe Mother's day is the same as every other day with all the chaos, fighting and tears that you've been enduring for weeks, months or years now.  "Nothings changed!"  you shout to yourself as you pull on the covers and put the light out on another disappointing, heart-breaking day.  You go to sleep with tears falling on your pillow and cursing the situation you are in, loathing the alarm that will jolt you awake in 7 hours for yet another exhausting day. 

"How will this ever be different?" you ask to no one in particular.  Heavy sighs follow.

One of the current buzz phrases is "change agent" and people are being urged to be the change they want to see.  Being codependent, we sometimes struggle severely to see that things really can be different. We take on the thinking that this life was merely meant to be endured and nothing better would come our way.  Oh, the lies of addiction affect the whole family!

But, if you could change something today, what would it be?  Don't lose a ton of time thinking about what you know you cannot change.  Instead,  if you could change one thing today for yourself what would it be?  Have you set any goals for yourself?  This isn't easy. We aren't used to focusing on ourselves in a healthy way. I am just beginning to set new, attainable goals and I've been working a program for 6 years.  

What would next Mother's day be like for you if you can make a reasonable change for yourself?  I used to imagine my special days with my children and grands around my feet. That really isn't the way it goes in my family and now I'm okay with that. The truth is, my sons and daughter-in-law don't love me any more or any less because we aren't all gathered together but for years the lies in my head told me differently.  Facebook and other venues may make you feel less loved or cared for, but you can stop that in its tracks right now. Stay off of Facebook if it breaks your heart. 

What can you do that lets love in and allows you to feel at peace?  For me, I took today off. Off from everything.  I didn't go to church which is rare. I would love to have been there but I attend a church that is 35 minutes away and was just in that area yesterday and will be there again tomorrow night for a meeting so I decided a week ago, that I was probably going to spend Sunday morning in my chair, with a cup of coffee and my feet up and my Higher Power, my Savior, is okay with that!  I watched "I Love Lucy" reruns and read the paper.  I made home made waffles and took a nap. I received messages from people that love me which includes my own offspring and watched my beloved Detroit Tigers while catching up on some overdue reading. It has been a perfect day!  In the past I may not have heard from one or the other of my sons and for some reason I let the drugs lie to me about how they really felt about me. Suddenly the day would be lost in "should haves and would haves and if only".  Ugh. 

I'm thankful and grateful that this program allows me to let go of my expectations, to still be at peace in my heart and to know when to walk away from Facebook. Just like I learned years ago to turn off the TV during Christmas when the messages were overwhelmingly laden with couples and romance and what I thought I was missing, I'm learning to not let anyone or anything dictate what these days ought to be and where my joy comes from.

So, I ask again, what will mother's day look like tomorrow? What will it look like next year? What changes will you make in your own life choices that will bring you joy and peace for each day leading up to next mother's day?  Remember  that it's just one day at a time so you don't have to change every messy thing today. It's a process, sometimes slow and laborious but a process nonetheless. You will see that you are different than you were 30 days ago, six months ago and each passing year.   

Take your eyes off your addict.  Look out the window and see how many different kinds of birds are in your neighborhood.  It's that time of year to plant a garden or container that will bring joy to your heart.  Take your eyes off your addict.  Read a book that challenges your thinking or takes you on a brain vacation. Take your eyes off your addict. You are a good mom and you are loved.  Don't hang your head any more for the choices your addict has made. Don't bury yourself for your past parenting mistakes made in love. Get some support and friends who will see the talents and gifts you have been given.  It sounds trite but Let Go and Let God. 

Mostly take your eyes off your addict and place them on God who cares for you more than you'll ever know.  Bask in His love for you as He longs to lead you into something new and loving and exciting. 

Happy Mother's Day from one change agent to another! 

LEFTOVERS!

What goes through your mind when you hear the word Leftovers? Yay or Nay?

Leftovers were a main staple in our household which was bursting at the seams through most of my childhood. Restaurant visits were a rarity and fast food was just coming over the horizon when I was in high school.

Leftovers can be a wonderful taste of what you enjoyed a day or two before, or it can stick in your mouth like prison mush if you didn't like it in the first place! Spaghetti, for instance, is always better the 2nd day around in my humble opinion but some may not agree at all with my standard of taste. As families have reduced in size or for the person flying solo, folks are learning to either prepare just enough for one meal (a great accomplishment in my book) or opt for dining out.  Times have surely changed!

What brings this topic to mind for me is that as I examine myself often through life (Step 4: We made a searching fearless moral inventory of our lives) and come upon some distasteful behaviors (Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character) I find that even still I am battling some ingrained reactions or impulses that aren't pleasing or attractive to be around.

As a red-headed girl I viewed myself as just being direct and feisty in my communications and responses. In fact, impulsiveness I mistook as fun and impromptu but one of these words is not like the other. Not that these characteristics are bad in themselves, but usually my reactions were exhibited when I was riled or upset about something and it would rear its ugly head in anger instead of direct communication being clear and reasonable. In other words, it wasn't necessarily the message but the delivery that was the big problem.  When people respond in such a way, their message isn't heard at all. Their behavior is what catches attention.

I'm sorry to say that I still struggle with this character defect. In the world of ugliness that we live in now, I could fit right into certain circles. But in the gang I hang with, this just isn't a good quality! I strive daily to be more like Jesus in all aspects of my life but severely miss the mark time and again. I'm very aware that God is merciful and chooses to forgive me for these crazy, unplanned outbursts or reactions but He also desires a change in me to look more like the person I claim to be and to be more like the Person I claim to be connected with.

I'm thankful all the more for this taking an inventory and asking God to remove these character defects. The beauty of the 12 Steps is that,  like faith, we aren't asked to be perfect nor will we know what we're to work on all at one time. We will never see the complete list of defects we have fighting for position in our world - the veil is lifted inch by inch to expose the next item on our list of defects. Otherwise, it would be too overwhelming and seem impossible.

Those leftovers still hanging on from my childhood need to be clipped and matured immediately but I'm not entirely convinced that all of these characteristics will be removed. Sometimes a little bit is left behind so we never forget that we are powerless over this thing and need Him to help us day by day. Not in my own strength but His.

Practice the Pause

Spring seems to be showing itself around here, unseasonably early. Most are welcoming the weather with great joy! I like it too, but am somewhat apprehensive that winter is over just yet. However, today is fabulous so I'll get out there and give my car some much needed attention. :) 

I claimed this year to be the year of de-clutter for me. When Cliff was in addiction, I probably really needed to do this mundane task but my mind couldn't make a solid decision on what to keep and what to toss. Some people are true taskmasters and relish the opportunity to dig in deep when their plate is loaded with family struggles. They find healing and clarity through the process ~ it's quite cathartic. Me? I was looking for love in all the wrong places - through food and a comfy chair with a blanket. I simply sank deeper into my personal world of woe and twisted my mind all around the challenge and life of my son. An unhealthy reality for me really had nothing to do with Cliff. I didn't have any skills in life care. And I didn't pursue them well. It was just easier for me to place the blame on everything else going on around me only I didn't notice that I was doing life that way. All of my statements began with "some day, I'm going to ..." or "some day, I'm going to be..." or "some day, my prince will come...".   You get the idea. 

Now, it's years later and thankfully Cliff is in a healthier place, but so am I. And my healthier choices are unrelated to Cliff's life choices. They are my own.  

The years can be helpful or hateful. I am happy to see that in my life, recovery has brought me to a place of well being and hopefully wisdom. I find that I've been able to learn to pause and listen to what God, my Higher Power, would like me to know. It comes slowly at times and often through prayer and meditation but sometimes through the affirmations of others in conversation. They don't even know they are being used by God to tell me something He wants me to know!

Learning to pause allows you to take a breath. Sit back and process what's really going on. Don't let others ever push you into something you aren't willing to say yes to.  The person that's trying to rush your decision  making process is usually out for one thing. Themselves.  

Pause often through the day. Let your spirit be at ease. Sometimes you have to practice the pause every hour just to get through the current reality.  Pause and pray.  

You've got nothing to lose but your own peace of mind. 

*Picture googled*

Valentine, Shmalentine

VALENTINE, SHMALENTINE!

Are you cringing with the approaching celebration of Valentine's Day? You know, that day that makes many hearts knot up rather than cheer up.  Billions of dollars ($13,290,000,000 in 2016) is spent worldwide but most of the spending is done in the US. We love a reason to romance, it seems.  

Over the years I've known many couples who choose to NOT spend and celebrate Valentines Day in the traditional fashion, but rather show love in a personal way that requires some thought and planning. Perhaps one partner rising before the other to be sure the coffee is brewing nice and early.  A handwritten note of what makes your loved one special in your eyes, or celebrating with your favorite burgers as a splurge for the week. There may not be a lot of glamour with those options, but they are options that could make a memory to last a lifetime. 

As your family is facing a day of unwanted turmoil in the midst of crisis, how can you show love, especially for yourself?  The Codependent, Enabler or Caregiver is often passed over on days like this. It's a lonely day of feeling unloved, uncelebrated or more simply, unnoticed. 

What choices do we have? I hope you're still not hibernating through your chaos. I hope you've found a support group or recovery meeting to call home and a group that you can do some fun things with, too. We often get into groups and do nothing but hone in on all of our problems and worries. There's no help or healing in those types of groups. Find people that know how to celebrate each day despite the choices others are making and who urge you on to a brighter future for you. 

Learn to appreciate that you are a child of the Creator who longs to see you step into His plan for you. That plan wasn't to be torturous or sad.  So, what to do? 

Take a child to a movie or take yourself! There are plenty of good movies to choose from and they aren't all romantic comedies if that's your stumbling block. Here are a few other suggestions: 

• Save your pennies through the year and splurge on a little something for yourself if you need to feel the extra love on Valentines day. 
• Go to the salon, or get a pedicure or look for a sweet bracelet that means something to you. Too much money? Buy a new color of nail polish or download some of those coloring pages you like so well. 
• Visit your local florist. A few roses in a vase can lift anyone's spirit and they don't cost an arm and a leg. Still too much? Choose my favorite: Carnations!
• Get an Ice Cream Sundae - Go ahead!! 

You get the idea. I know several area groups that have had Stupid Cupid nights which involved singles and marrieds. Pot-Luck meals and games and tons of laughs which does a heart good.  The Bible Says "A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing. But a broken spirit dries up the bones."  When we allow our feelings and emotions to rule our day it shows all over us!! 

Remember, the 3C's.  You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. 

Find your joy today!

Oh, and these are for you  =)

Ho, Ho, Hum

Ah, Christmas!  It always messes with my mind. In my imagination I see the day played out like a scene from It's a Wonderful Life, but in reality it's probably more like Roseanne.  This year it was kind of the same. 

Though it's been years since my son has been active in addiction, the world of addiction and recovery is wagging it's tail behind me. For just about all my years as an adult, I have been single and often alone. What happens is that I used to seclude myself from the world in order to not face the drama or the truth of what was going on. It was less painful for me to fret at home alone than to have to look into the faces of others and try to read their thoughts, which I was certain were all about me and my struggles with Cliff. Problem #1 is the deceiver is such a liar but when you're vulnerable you will believe anything that makes sense to ease the pain. Problem #2 is it's not my job to try to read any ones thoughts or non-verbal communications toward me.  Sheesh. 

Now, many years later I have to work hard at not slipping back into my seclusion. What used to be my insane asylum is slowly becoming my sanctuary again and I like it. This has taken MANY years and tears and LOTS of hard work. Addiction and chaos are not polite or sensitive to the family members at all. It will hold you hostage if you let it. Even years after, I must remain on guard of my thoughts and actions. 

As busy as I can be, however, I still find myself with a lot of time alone. No phone calls, no visitors, no outings. Facebook can fill my heart with angst as I see people I love living the lives I had hoped for.  Even at my age, most communication with family and friends is via text, which I HATE.  I repeat, I HATE, but phones don't get answered so I've joined the ranks of texting. I'm quite a distance from my circle of friends so meeting up for a quick anything is not too quick. It requires planning ahead. Who's got time?  40  minutes away makes nothing quick. One thing after another ticks off the list of why I'm alone. Who can change it? Only me. Therein lies the problem. 

Many changes have taken place this year in my life.  Son #1 and Lovely Espousa have been married 11-1/2 years now and have a sweet little family with two precious daughters;  Mini-chick turned 10. Whaaaaa??.  Oh, the joy those little girlies bring to my heart, I can't even begin to express.  I have since retired (semi) and am fumbling around to find my way. Not aimlessly, mind you, but unplanned  just yet.  Because I try to pray about everything, I talked with the Lord about retiring for quite a while before the decision was made. Pressing on my heart, was that my family is getting older and I've worked hard for many years and missed out on some important relationships. I didn't want to watch the remainder of my days and years nor the ones I love slip away without spending some valuable time with them. Lo and behold, just a short time after I retired, my brothers cancer moved to his brain.  He's going to need some assistance and I will make every effort to be available as often as I can. He's alone 90% of the time, too. My healthy father is 87 but can use a companion on occasion to accompany him to Florida, for instance. Poor me ;) 


Thankfully, my relationship with The Lord, my Higher Power, has strengthened over the years and He can step through and diffuse the little landmines in my thinking and bring truth and reality to me with haste. He sorts through the issues and says "Laura, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."  (Phil 4:8-9 Msg.) He reminds me to draw close to Him, the Rock on which I stand and take my place with Him.  He encourages me greatly with my days ahead.  Look at this promise for our future in His Word: "But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I’m going to do!  For I’m going to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Don’t you see it?" (Isaiah 43:18-19). 

Recovery is available to anyone who truly and earnestly wants it. Seek out the better way of life. You don't have to do this in your own strength and most likely it won't stick and stay if you do.  God, who made you and knows you intimately and better than you know yourself, is just a whisper away. Truly, He will never leave you to figure this out alone if you ask Him. 

Just like I have to work on not "hiding out" I encourage you to also find your place and your group. It could be in a church or synagogue and it could also be at 12 Step meetings. Support each other in a positive way. Step out of the muddy puddle you're standing in now and begin with one new habit. Tell yourself the whole truth about the situation in your life and surround yourself with friends who you can count on.  Lean into your Creator. Your life depends on it. 

The Door is Ajar

Remember  the 1980's when Chrysler introduced the talking car? If your door wasn't closed all the way it would say "The door is ajar". That innovative creation stirred up conversations and jokes that lasted a long time! 

A major life change has occurred in my home this past weekend. Cliff left for Florida to start a new life with the woman he loves, Miss E. They've known each other for only nine months or so, maybe a little longer, but have declared their love for each other and plan to make it a permanent promise. Having been through the trauma of divorce, and it is a trauma even in the most peaceful of ways, I pray that their declaration to each other is true and forever. 

There was a time that Cliff was not living with me. When I bought my little house I sent him packing, so to speak. Not in a bad way, but it was simply time.  Not too long after life threw a curve ball and the call came asking "would it be okay if I come and stay with you for just a short time till my friend S and I work out sharing a house? He's going to buy something and I'll be his roommate." Cliff was working at the time and had the best laid plans, and so I somewhat reluctantly said yes. I had just been in my little domicile for one year and longed for "my space" as we've come to love in this country.  As you may have guessed, a few months rolled into many more and just recently became 3 years.  Then Miss E came into the picture and life moved into a new direction.  

So, with a Toyota Camry packed to the gills, off they rode into the sunset in the direction of Florida and I'm alone again, naturally. =) 

Before Cliff left I had to have "the talk". That's the part of recovery that continues to be revisited with many an addict and their family. Boundaries are set once again because deep down we fear getting caught up in the landlord relationship one more time. Cliff was ready to go out on his own, there's no doubt of that. But where the doubt comes in it seems, is in Cliff's ability to see past looming obstacles. Putting down one step at a time in order to achieve a hard earned goal still requires some guidance and encouragement along with a push and a hug. So, in a much calmer demeanor and forthright tone than in years gone by, I simply stated that I wished Cliff the very best that God has planned for him and that moving back home was not an option.  The door will not swing back open, and please leave your key.  There's a sadness in my soul that I have to say that so clearly, yet it's a freedom that has to be laid out for both of us. I'm too old to be my sons housemate and he should have the confidence to enjoy life as it's meant to be.  So the door is ajar; it's open just enough to pay a visit but not open wide enough to let suitcases filled with life struggles that belong to another take up residence in my space.  

I'm grateful once again for working it out with my Higher Power, my Creator, who has walked the walk with me to show me how to live a better life that brings unspeakable peace to my heart.  My life is richer because of practicing the 12 Steps over and over.  

That peace of mind is not mine to own.  You can have it, too.  Ask and seek. You'll find it. 

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Hold On Tight to Your Dreams

This post was written in 2016, but worth resurrecting in 2021.  A timeless thought and practice for anyone looking at their life in the midst of chaos. 

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Here we are. One month under our belt in 2016.  I hope you still have a glimmer of the hopes and dreams you planted for yourself, or thought you did, as the new year approached. 

Do you remember being full of hope and new promise of untouched ideas and unexplored dreams before the chaos of addiction was crouching at your door?  Remember what it was like to look ahead and see yourself doing something you thought would change the world or at least change your life? 

Gosh, it was so long ago when I used to imagine myself either performing, teaching or nursing.  But when life didn't head in that direction, nor did I have my feet firmly planted to make any of these aspirations a goal, I began to put those dreams into boxes near my chair so I could pull them back out when I was ready.  Then the boxes were in the way and after hurting myself tripping over them, they were placed up high on a shelf that were never pulled back down and remained there unopened.  Finally, those boxes were tossed away when changes came along and those dreams seemed untouchable or foolish for one like me. 

When Cliff was in full blown addiction, I began to see myself through a narrower eyeglass and only examined his life through the telescopic lens, because you know, he was my son.  My problem, my rescue and my responsibility.  I was so exhausted trying to save Cliff, I had no time or desire to change my own life.  I thought it was selfish to think about me because, after all, who would help my poor baby??  As if he were my infant child, I would cry out at night "He's hungry, he's alone, he's cold, he's fearful."  Is he going to survive another night on the street?  But the fact was "He's 18, he's 21, he's 25" and those concerns kept overriding all sensible thinking.  

When I was created, like all of us, I was planted with a future and a hope.  Dreams, visions and ideas were indelibly planted in my marrow by my Creator.  He gave you some of your own, too.  But, when the chaos of addiction became my partner in every breath I took, the enemy of my soul kept telling me that nothing would change. The subtle, sneaky, lying deceiver kept telling me my dreams and visions I had were foolish and a thing of the past, let alone the dreams I had for my children. Those were stomped out and gone. The only dream I could see was burying Cliff from an overdose, which by the grace of God didn't happen.  Wow, the time I spent lost in the lies added up to years.  

But guess what?  When my own recovery from codependency finally took root, I learned that I was powerless over this thing and certainly powerless over my sons lives and therefore, better look closely at my own. I discovered that some of my character traits weren't very nice and were requiring change, even at 61.  But, they don't change the dreams and goals planted by my Creator and are still here.  He never took them away from me in spite of my belief that they were long gone. There was no expiration date on those specific gifts He gave me. Soon, the boxes of dreams re-appeared in my line of vision and were within my grasp.  The lids were lifting up again and soon, the plans re-awakened in my thinking. 

Some of the things God planted in me, occur without thought because I simply love the life He's given me and I'm thankful that today I can walk in confidence that I will still have opportunities to live out my dream. Writing happens to be one of them. Other dreams and character behaviors are still being shaped, even at 61.  Yay!

And in those dreams that are taking shape, I see both of my sons becoming the men that God created them to be, without their mommy's direction.  They are men. They are responsible. They are loved by the same Creator and were born with a future and a hope, too.  Your addict and your alcoholic were created in just the same way!  This is not an exclusive club. Have hope! 

Not nobody, not no how (tipping my hat to the Cowardly Lion) is going to steal my dreams and blessings again.  They may not look like the vision I had at 18, 25, or 40, but they are exactly as they should be right now. God keeps His plans and promises. We just have to believe and let Him in. 

Hold on Tight To Your Dreams

You tube and picture googled

The 3C's

A few weeks ago, just as the new year was beginning, two dear friends of mine got the confirmation of what they each suspected. Their sons were active in addiction again; the timing was crazy since these two families don't interact. The anxious texts and calls were frequent and though I've been down this path for years now, I found myself frustrated that I didn't have "the answer" to give my friends.  And I know deep in my heart I don't have the answer for them. It took me a long time to learn that there isn't one answer that fits all.  And in fact, just as I had to learn to walk through the devastating pain of a loved one's addiction, I knew and they knew they had to process through the mess again.  These friends are recovery savvy.  They know these programs inside and out.  But still, when it's someone you love getting the news is like hitting a brick wall with your face and instantly the inability to swallow comes back.  The only difference this time around is that we've learned more quickly how to go to the source of peace.  We acknowledge much faster that we are powerless over others and their choices. And we realize we have to call out for a meeting and to surround ourselves with real, live people that will help support us through the days that are hard.  

When my friend said "I can't believe I'm here again, how did I miss the signs?"  it got me thinking about my own walk with recovery and Cliff.  Have I been lulled into a complacent place in life that I would miss the signs of returned drug activity?  Would I live in the pig pen named denial again before I would acknowledge the action?  

So, that led me to search out a meeting for me.  In all the years I've been working this out, I have always gone to Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery meetings.  I had never visited a Nar-Anon group though I thought about it many times.  These meetings certainly fit the profile of my life much more than Al-Anon, but they aren't as readily available as Al-Anon.  Or at least they weren't 10 years ago.  Nar-Anon is becoming a bigger group now and I was happy to find one less than 5 miles from my house.  I went last night and was glad I did.  The group size was larger than anticipated since many of the "family" meetings can be quite small.  Others were new last night, too.  One young woman had never attended a support group at all.  As I listened to each person around the table, I realized how thankful I am to God for the Steps and the program I have worked. I could recall with some who were still in such grave pain what confusion and pain that place was, and  connect with others like me who have found their balance in life and were able to share without hurting. Too much. 

How easily we can be roped into a different line of thinking if we're not careful.  Many who live in addiction/alcoholic lifestyles love to place blame on anyone else but themselves.  And so as a reminder to the newbies and myself, I mentioned the 3C's of recovery. The 3C's can help and if you need to do this daily, say the following out loud. Write it on your bathroom mirror or post it on your desk at work.  "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it". And then say it again until you believe it and know that it's true.  

It looks like I'll be dropping in on this meeting regularly, I do believe. It felt good to be in a different place spiritually, emotionally and mentally and hopefully I will bring hope to those around me, if they need it. 

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and to write to me specifically about your experience with your son. Your question of being able to let go and have peace, even if he was still using, is valid and is faced every day by parents like you and me.  You're right that it's a lot easier to face our struggles when the tornadoes stop and we begin to sift through the aftermath again. When the winds are roaring and we are in the midst of the storm, we can't hear anything or anyone else. That's when we really need our sisters and brothers in the program to help steady us and keep the blinders off our eyes.

Personally what I've learned along the way through the years of torment is that my life matters as much as Cliff's life does. I know the news media is rampant with the "all lives matter" lingo, but that statement applies to more than just a race issue.  It seemed for so many years I chased and questioned and longed for something or someone to fix, heal and save my son because his life mattered so much to me, I'd do anything; anything at all if I thought it would stop him.   But I never thought about my life mattering too, and have many horror stories as a result.  I never thought about my place in this world. I'm not sure I would be writing this blog if Cliff had never gone to prison as I don't have that kind of knowledge to know what I would have done but I do know that before he went to prison, the situations, tempers and risks were increasing to such a high level of insanity and intensity that I truly was at risk myself.  For what? I'm not sure, but I know that I wasn't capable of much but putting myself in harm's way for Cliff's life.  How unhealthy and toxic is that behavior? 

When our children become adults, we should be able to see them making some smart and wise decisions and choices.  Everything shouldn't be done in panic or chaos.  Every dime I make shouldn't be used to pay a debt I don't have. Our addicts are smart enough to find a way to get the drug or drink they want without our knowledge or help. Often we don't hear from them for weeks. Who is caring for them? Where are they getting their basic needs met?   When I finally began to "see the light" so to speak, it took a great deal of support from others who were in the same place in life.  Not just to cry on each others shoulders but to be accountable for making healthier decisions FOR ME.  This is not selfish, this is self-care.  It might just be a night of sleep that I should be getting, which meant shutting my phone off. It might have been a walk or dinner out with friends to laugh and focus on people living life to the fullest. It could be buying a new winter coat for yourself that you need instead of always putting clothes and shoes on the back of one who is still in addiction.  

When our addicts relapse after a period of sobriety, that is the time we need to work the program harder than ever before for ourselves. We can't work it for our addicts. They have to find their own way at this point. We can cheer them on, give them phone numbers to shelters, rehab programs or the like, but this is the time that  we must take care of ourselves, or we will both die. Maybe not physically, but in every other aspect of the world we live in.    How fair is that to your family, your grandchildren, your co-workers or your friends? How fair is that to you and your Creator? 

We slowly learn to love in detachment.  If our addicts are using, boundaries are necessary and must be used for our well being. Meet them at McDonalds to be sure they have eaten that day.  If you want to be sure they're warm, pickup up a coat, boots or a blanket at Salvation Army so you know they've got their basic needs met.  Will it completely take away your concerns or hurts? No, but you'll know you've done something to help and the rest is in their own choosing.  It's the hardest path a parent will walk because it doesn't make any sense to us. We may not get supported from family, friends or even our spouses.  Self-care is priority one and it's a new way for many of us. It may feel strange but it's absolutely right. 

Learning to let go and Let God, Trust God, Believe God in all you do will help you stop worrying and fretting. That solves nothing.  If your son wants to be well, he can take those same steps too. God will answer him when he is ready to listen. 

I'm praying for you and many others in the fight, Anonymous, as you find your way out of this chaos. Feel free to email me anytime. 

God Bless You and all others in this boat.  

Photo googled. 

One Day at A Time

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

In the solitude of my car yesterday, I was going through the years of recovery for me and for Cliff.  I recalled how I felt when I first began attending meetings with regularity. I couldn't handle the pain well and that's when I began to write. I needed an outlet somewhere but didn't know what to do. 

At first, I went to meetings like most parents do, desperate for someone to tell me how to save my son. How to stop the madness and chaos and I was desperate to understand why anyone would put something into their bodies so seriously unhealthy and dangerous that each time they handled a needle it was like playing Russian roulette. What hurt my son so much that we couldn't talk about it and get to the bottom of it?  

I didn't believe that I had to go to these meetings for me. "Don't you get it??" I shouted silently "I don't have the addiction. My son is going to die in some house in Detroit or Highland Park and no one will be able to tell me. They don't know me, they don't know how to reach me!? He's only 18, he's only 19, he's only 23"....and so it went day after day, month after month, year after year.  After attending meetings weekly for several months, the scales on my eyes began to loosen and fall away, a little at a time.   And still, the boundaries and denial played tricks on me. I needed to face the facts in order for some of "it" to stick and stay and allow me to pick through it and digest what I could, when I could. Like a heaping Thanksgiving dinner plate while fighting off a flu bug, I worked through the steps of recovery. 

Finally, a year later when Cliff went to prison I had my respite. I could step back from the mental squalor that surrounded me and really work on myself and my understanding of this mess without an addict constantly coming at me like a whirling tornado.  I began to sift and sort. Cliff found recovery and so did I. He would, in his own way, sift and sort through his "stuff" and is now just beginning to see some of the fruits of living life differently, with a plan and not a substance.  To this day, I sift and sort and probably always will. 

Driving to my meeting yesterday I remembered that one of the things I used to say and wrote about early in the beginning of this blog, was "if you had a child with a terminal illness you would do anything you could to save his life." So that's what I did.  But the difference is that a terminal illness randomly comes onto someone unexpectedly and they are then dependent upon the medical field and a miracle from God in heaven, to be healed. They are subject to this test and that exam to figure out the best way to treat their invasive life-robbing disease and sadly, sometimes there isn't any cure. The terminally ill person is facing a giant to which they no longer have the slingshot and stone that will take it down. 

Now the addict may also randomly find himself addicted when they take that first step to try something risky.  Suddenly their illness takes hold and directs their life choices.  They too, can put themselves into the medical fields hands for healing but the difference is they can be healed if they simply take a step to help themselves.  They do not have to face a death sentence unless they choose to.  It's a simple change that they have to choose for themselves. No one can hand it to them. They have to pick it up and walk to the next step, inch by inch, but they can be healed.  The key is in their hands. 

So all this to say, it's taken me a long time in these meetings to come to this "aha" moment of letting this part go.  Life choices for someone at 18 are different than someone at 25 and then again at 30. Cliff is now 7 years clean, and I am 8 years on a path of life-changing choices for me that free from all the garbage that I simply used to kick from room to room and try to make sense in my thinking.    

Hang in there. Your "aha" will come to you at sometime in your recovery walk as well. And then another "aha" will come along when you are ready for the next bite.   

Just keep taking life one day at a time. God will guide you. He promised. 

Unforced Rhythm of Grace

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  Matthew 11:28-30  (The Message)

When was the last time you read something from God that sounded so inviting and refreshing?  Did you think that recovery and God's Word didn't go together?  Look again. Be comforted. You are invited to rest and recover your life -  Your life! His Word doesn't ask you to come to Him to save your spouse, son, daughter or parent.  It invites you to come and recover yourself. Ahhhhhhhh.  I can feel my shoulders relaxing and loosening up.  I can sense the weight coming off of me as I breathe just a little bit deeper.  I love the invitation to come and "learn the unforced rhythms of grace."

Grace.  A way of moving that isn't stiff.  A charming or attractive trait.

The word grace conjures up many a picture in my mind.  Being that I loved to dance, especially ballet as a young girl, grace is a beautiful arabesque followed by a quick glissade into a spinning turn with skirts of chiffon twirling about me free and flowing while following a gentle pattern of beauty. Some of you might see Audrey Hepburn in your minds eye.  Others will see a soaring bird or a swimming swan with wings lifted to show its grandeur.  Each of these scenarios is an unforced rhythm ~ it just happens, involuntarily, unplanned movement. 

Grace. A virtue coming from God.

How I've enjoyed grace weaving it's way through my life allowing me to live freely and lightly but I didn't always have that grace in my life. Oh, I thought I did but when I was chasing after dreams, ideals and rules that weren't mine to have, live or enforce, I was living in a forced pattern of rigidity that brought me nothing but chaos, angst and sadness.   I just didn't realize it.  I didn't know how to let go and let God, so to speak.  I didn't realize how freeing it was that I could merely live my life and let others live theirs and that I could choose to be close or distant from the chaos and poison.  I knew nothing about love with detachment or boundaries. But, now, WOW!!

Grace, grace, God's grace.

God's grace allows me to let God be God and lets me be me just as God created me to be.  Little ol' me that doesn't have to keep track of what everyone else is doing and why they're doing it that way. Grace allows me to leave the ones I love and care about into the marvelous grace of God's hand where they too, may find the unforced rhythms of grace.   When we choose to let God be God in our lives it brings an overwhelming amount of grace to us and we learn to give grace to others.  We don't deserve anything more than those who haven't come to the table yet. But the only difference is we've made a choice to live in a powerless place which is right where God is waiting.

Grace. A wonderful gift!