The Blast of Lightening

 I have a new term...Blast of Lightening.

It is the thoughts that come suddenly into my head...that I wasn't pondering on but it seems God is giving me encouragement or enlightenment about something that gives me an 'AHA" moment.

One day, as I was putting laundry into the washer this thought just suddenly came into my head:

"Things are worked out way in advance...I began working on things  before you knew what was coming.  I knew what was in Troy's head and heart so I was the reason he lost his job WHEN he did and that he was given that job in another state when he did.  I took him AWAY from you to help you.  I worked out the unemployment for you for that year because I knew you would need the time.  Now that you see...you NEED to not be anxious.  I have been there every step.  I will be there for you when you need to retire.  I will take care of it.  Have FAITH!"

I have not been thinking about my ex except when I pray for him.  I have come to pity his life.  And I have been able to forgive and realize what he has done to me throughout the years was because he did not know better and I had chosen to marry him and I stayed with him.  I also realized that because I forgive him does not mean he has to be in my life.  So, I pray for him because I care about his soul the way I do everyone's.

I start my day with a prayer of thanksgiving...thankful for the roof over my head, thankful for a job that He keeps helping me to grow in and do better as I go along, thankful for His protection of my family and friends.  Then I continue to ask for protection and salvation for family, friends and people that I may not be fond of...my ex is one.  

I went to Bible Study/Prayer meeting Wednesday night for the first time.  It is a 20 minute drive out into the country to get there.  Hardly any traffic.  It was nice to be amongst other Christians.  It was good to study and pray.  I lifted up Heather...a co-worker.  I have known her for going on 6 years.  She has a boy in 8th grade and she is a single mom.  The dad lives in the same city and for some reason they never got married.  He is not married either.  They are good friends.  She would wake early every morning and take her son for hockey practice before she started her job with OHVA.  Then at the end of May, she lost sight in one eye and her other eye was blurry. She was admitted to the hospital and she told them she would raise a very large fit if COVID was anywhere on her hospital records. They ran tests and told her she has MS and they gave her something that restored her eyesight...until the end of July when her sight left her..both eyes.  It has not returned since.  She is a Christian.  I know this must be very tough for her.

I told her story in prayer meeting and we prayed for her long and hard.  I have not heard anything about her condition yet.  I pray for her every day.  We used to keep in contact through work IM and FB IM but, of course, there has not been any of that since a FB IM was sent to me to inform me of her eye sight loss.  I have prayed about what I can do to encourage her.  She is in NW Ohio now at her parents' house and I was given the address.  A package will go out soon.

God gives us little 'winks' and we get things that give us just that little bit of joy.  I have often looked at my couch and thought about trying to find pillows that would contrast but it was always a non-essential so I have not looked.  Then, my sister talked me into going with her to a street sale.  As I strolled along and was looking at things, I happened to look down at some things laid out on a sheet by a table and there were these 2 beautiful throw pillows that matched my couch exactly with the colors and they woman said she only wanted $1 for them.  So, of course I snatched them. They are perfect and made with strong material.  And it made me quite happy.  Pillows.  Used pillows.  for $1.  God gave me that little thing that made me happy...an unexpected thing that doesn't mean anything to anyone other than me.  At another street sale I found a vase with a butterfly on it...for a quarter and on the bottom of it was written: For Nancy.  ha ha!  It's the little 'winks' from God.

After prayer meeting on Wednesday night, Debbie insisted she take me for tea and cake for my birthday. As we sat drinking our tea she looked at me and said, "I want you to know that I appreciate your friendship.  It is good to have someone there that shares my struggles. It has been a joy to get to know you again."  I was shocked and just let that sink in.  I thanked her and told her I felt exactly the same about her.  We encourage, are there for the other one to lean on when needed, do not judge.  I am not here to condemn or cause someone else to stumble.  I know what I see and think may not be the whole story and I certainly am not going to make someone feel badly about their life.  She struggles and has been through a lot.  She has 4 kids that have all gone and are going through so many things and she is trying to help them make the right choices and they are not always going in the right direction.  I told her all we can do is pray and set the example.  I do not have to 'work' to be her friend, explain myself or beg for her to understand and accept me as I am.  Susan is another good friend.  She does not judge my every thought and act.  

I am feeling that maybe TJ and Brit are doing better right now.  I am thankful that TJ has stood in his faith and follows a path he knows is right for him.  I pray that they both continue to seek and follow.  This new home for them is a beginning to a better existence for them.  I pray that God blesses it.

I pray that Bethany and Jordan find their path with God.  I will be traveling down to see TJ and his new home in a few weeks.  I do not know if I will see Bethany. She and Jordan have been very careful about getting out around others.  I told them I will understand if I can't see them right now.  They will be up here by May this next year and I can see them all I want.  This COVID sucks and it creates a chasm.  

I am thankful for the people that have passed through my life that have helped me become who I am.  Sometimes these people were painful, sometimes they were helpful but they ALL changed me.  God winked.

Move or Sit Still

6 hours outside on Saturday pulling and digging and planting. It got hot and I ran out of power.  I left the west side of the house until Monday.  

Yesterday I went to my parents' where they had a cookout of sorts.  We had sat indoors to eat because it got too hot outside and it was just the 4 of us.  mom, dad, Dawn, me.  It was nice just relaxing around the house with them.  

Dawn showed me a house for sale on the other side of town.  I got really interested in it.  I picked up my phone and texted the realtor about it and that I would like to see it.  I get upset because they drag their feet.  By today, she was still dragging so I contacted the realtor selling the house.  I went to school with her.  She said she would call me tomorrow and I can ask questions and she will set up a viewing for me.  In the meantime, I looked up the names of the people that live next door and asked my brother (he knows everyone) and Nick (he knows everyone).  They both vouched for the neighbor...that he and his wife are decent people and are hardly ever home.  They are in their 50's and no kids.  The house is a 2 bedroom, has a Florida room and a utility room that can be used as an office, decent sized kitchen, full water proofed basement with a bathroom in it.  BUT this is just the description and pictures from the realtor listing.  It could be totally different once I look at it.  At least it only has the one neighbor and sits on a quiet street.  All of that stuff alone would make me want to buy it and move.

My son reached out to me tonight and asked to have a phone conversation tomorrow.  He says that he and the wife have been arguing for days.  Not sure what he is thinking or if he just wants to unload it all on me.  

I did not get to any yard work today because the neighbors set up picnic tables in their driveway and were getting ready for a gathering.  I just decided not to mess with it and Lucy and I went to my parents' again.  The neighbors have not bothered me for about a year now so I am not screwing with it.  It would be kinda nice to move away from the noisy road and not have to hear the hoards of motorcycles.  Lucy may like a quieter place also.

Last week of actual school with some classes.  Next week I finish up the things I have to do.  Then...freedom!

Dealing with the Dirt

Today will be spent digging in the dirt. SO MANY WEEDS!  And I have 4 plants and 7 bushes to put in.  It is good to get them in now as it is going to be raining for the next 5 days.  Next weekend will be paver walkway time and 'fix the new garden I started time.  During the week I will put plastic on the garage floor and do some spray painting...the bird bath, the rebar to support my privacy screen.  I also have the railing to paint but I can put that off for another week. 

This next week will be my last week of school.  Not my last week of work, just my last week of school.  The following week I will work on the student progress reports.  I can finish those in about 2 days.  I hate doing them.  I start with the longest ones first, then do the shortest ones then leave the medium length until last.  I have 3 or 4 students that have EVERYTHING on their IEPs.  I have 6 students that barely came to any Intervention classes this 2nd semester.  In hind sight, the padlet that I started as a resource for them to use...I listed the links to extra help lessons for their gen ed work, step sheets, study guides....that was supposed to be as much help to the parents as it was the students, and save me some time, it may have caused them to quit coming to Interventions.  They simply did not understand that the Intervention classes were not the same thing as the gen ed assignment help.  No matter the amount of emails that I sent to the students and parents.  So I had to go by work samples if they were doing better or not.    Next year...I am making my plans for next year....

The interview went as I feared....they don't have a SOLID job opening.  They have some tentative job openings but they are waiting on enrollment numbers.  If those numbers go up before the 1st of August and she wants to make me a job offer then it will be considered.  If I don't hear anything out of them then I know I am meant to stay at OHVA for whatever reason.  If the latter is the outcome, I am trusting that God has something in the works to help me with my income situation.  I will need more in order to afford a car replacement. 

I am also trusting His guidance on my housing situation.  This place is nice but the summer traffic gets on my nerves.  He knows me and will work it out as it should be.    I just have to relax and go with it. 

I have barely heard anything out of my son all week. This means that he and the wife are getting along okay and that he is also feeling a little guilty about complaining about her to me so much.  He did text me that he is getting a bonus from the job he is on right now and if he adds that to the money he has been saving, he will be 3/5 of the way to the down payment he is saving for a house.  All I said was, Just make sure your relationship is solid before you do that.  He replied, Definitely.  And that is all the unsolicited advice I am giving on that.  In order to lure him back home, his wife had told him that if he came back she would give him the credit and debit cards except the debit card for her personal bank account.  He felt that was a good start and, frankly, I was stunned that she would relinquish them.  That is why I said to him that if he was going back, he needed to leave that day.  I knew he would at some point and it was not only because I was concerned with him driving in the rain but I wanted my quiet routine back.  I didn't want to listen to the roller coaster that is his relationship.  I had lived through my own for 25 years and I just didn't want to deal.  He will have to decide if he wants the ride to stop so he can get off or just continue for many years to come.  I feel as much to blame that he is on this because he is just living the life he grew up with.  I have tried to convince him that there is a different kind of life out there but it is up to him to decide if he believes me or not.

I don't hear a lot out of Bethany.  She stays fairly quiet. She and Jordan support each other, as far as I know.  I don't like to poke at her too much because she feels attacked and gets defensive.  I could ask her the simplest question such as, "Are you and Jordan doing okay with your jobs and the stress?"  and she would get defensive as if I had said something negative.  Yet, I sometimes worry that if I DON'T ask questions and show an interest that she will feel as if she is abandoned by me. 

Well...time to get ready to go dig in the dirt.  I am looking forward to the end result.  However, if I am truly going to 'end' this today, it will be a very long day.

Shaking It Off

I had the usual Sunday meet up with 2 of my siblings at mom and dad's after they got home from church.    I do it for my parents.  My brother and older sister are too busy talking and trying to one-up each other.  At some point I TRY to get a word in edgewise but I barely say a sentence before they cut me off.  They take off running with whatever I started to say.  They don't even notice that I finally pull out my phone and start messing with my texts and facebook. 

Being home around my family can be nice, in some sort of twisted sense of comfort yet, at the same time, I find myself becoming angry inside because they all want to tell me what is wrong with my choices and what I should do instead.  I am SO tired of being told that what I am doing or decide to do is wrong...or what is wrong with it.  Because everyone else is so perfect and just KNOWS EXACTLY what is right.  It must be right because it is THEIR opinion and ideas...not mine.

I got to my son's apartment Thursday late afternoon.  NOTHING was packed.  I opened the door to the 'guest' bedroom and it was WORSE than when I was there in November...and had cleaned it up and packed some things.  I was SO overwhelmed.  I wanted to cry. 

Friday I dug in and started packing box after box after box.  My younger sister showed up to help pack some of the kitchen.  She didn't get very far because she couldn't stay long but whatever she did I didn't have to.  I packed boxes all day long Friday.  I got up super early Saturday morning and continued packing some of the kitchen.  TJ had to work Friday night.  He came in the apartment and I had him take me to Arby's to grab something to eat.  He had eaten at work.  He was ranting and raving about an argument he had with Brit on the phone.  I could feel the muscles in my neck tightening.  I finally told him, "STOP!  Just STOP!  I can't take this anymore!  I know you need to vent but this is the same thing OVER and OVER!  You are stressing me out SO much I am sorry...I don't mean to make this about me but honest to GOD I can't listen to this anymore!  You made the decision to move in to that house...you are going to go and stay until this contract job is done THEN it is either going to work or you are going to leave but I can't listen to this ANYMORE!" 

He was speechless.  Then he apologized.  He said she had told him she wasn't sure she even liked him anymore but she wanted them to work it out.  He was really hurting.  I told him he deserved not to be miserable but he had to care about himself. 

I just about killed myself packing them up.   Did everything make it on the truck?  No. They had to go back and pack up some leftover stuff under the sinks and in a few upper kitchen cupboards.  He had the nerve to call me and tell me, "not everything got packed! "  welllll...maybe if the 2 of you had done SOMETHING!  I couldn't pack a whole apartment in one damn day!  I am just so over the 2 of them!

I love my son and will always be here for him but they have GOT to get their crap together.  He has decided to keep working some contract jobs and in between he is going to be sponsored by Ohio Means Jobs to get some certifications for various IT things so he can move into a full time job with a company. 

I stopped and spent Saturday night with Beth and Jordan.  They had come and helped us unload the truck into a storage unit...along with Brit's mom.  Her mom kept Brit moving.  I was grateful.  Jordan kept TJ moving and they packed and piled things inside the storage unit.  Bethany climbed up into the Grandma's Attic in the truck and pushed out the boxes...I put them at the edge of the truck, Brit's mom piled them onto the long hand trucks and Brit took them into the storage unit (it was inside a building).  It was a pretty good system.  I ended up driving TJ back to their house because we had to take some night stands and a few other things back there and it would not all fit in Brit's car and carry the 3 of them.  I dropped him off and by the time I got to Beth and Jordan's, they had some chicken enchiladas for me and some wine coolers.  We talked until I just could not anymore.  In the morning I took them to Bob Evans for breakfast.  After we got back to the apartment, it was not long before I had to pack up and leave. 

Jordan was asking me all kinds of questions about houses up here.  They are planning on moving in with me (wherever I am) for a year.  I am looking at other houses and hoping to sell this place and move out of here.

Debbie P got me out of the house Friday night to a coffee house and game night at the church.  It was pretty fun.  She texted me today that she is thinking of looking for a place to rent in Rock Creek so she is closer to the hospital where she works.  Rock Creek is farther away from where I am now.  I have not had time to see Susan lately.  My life has been wrapped around work.  I worked until 6 p.m. on Friday.  This coming weekend TJ will be here to visit before he starts his next contract job.

I wrote my last IEP Friday until April.  I get a break.  Hallelujah!  yeah...I had 9 of those to write in the weeks leading up to going to help my son move. We shall see what happens....

Support Garments

    I attended Celebrate Recovery.  The part I liked best was the message by Pastor Steve before we broke up into small groups. 

     I had had a discussion with my son earlier.  I felt badly and frustrated about it.  He began to complain to me about his dad's assessment of things and what he thinks our son should do.  Jr. got a surprise because I said, "I agree with your father.  You need to just walk away.  She is getting everything she wants and she does not care about you.  AND everything is falling apart there.  I really think God is stripping you down to the nubs because He is trying to get you to face reality and get out, start over...everything...your whole life."  I felt badly because I could hear the dejection in his voice.  I am frustrated because we have had this discussion over and over for the past 2 months.  I just want to show up with a moving truck, load him and his stuff up, hand her a 'good bye' letter and leave!  His dad even thinks he should come move back in with me until he can get his act together.  That says something right there!

     So, listening to Pastor Steve, I heard some things that sounded like what I had gone through but I kept thinking, "if only my son could be sitting here listening to this."

     Small group was sort of helpful.  It wasn't exactly what I expected.  It was more about what each has learned from their experiences and if they are moving forward.  Others gave some suggestions that may help.  It was not ex bashing or family bashing.  It was everyone realizing their part in how they got to where they were.  That was good to hear. 

     Starting back to  work has been a whirlwind...as usual.  I have my calendar of events filled up through the end of February, already.  I have started working ahead on some things so that it is more evenly spread out and I can have time for myself.

     My eating change is going well.  And I actually slept 8 hours straight last night.  That is a major thing right there!  I am still working on incorporating more movement in to my days.  Any extra is a plus for me. 

     I am trying to mentally prepare myself for having another person in the house.  I really do not see any other options for my son.  But it will be a lot to deal with.   He is a very deep feeling/emotional person and it will take a lot of me to support him.  However, I cannot let his situations derail me from taking care of me, either. 

    It is a real dance on the edge of that volcano.

I Don't Have A Degree in that BUT...

The family that I was upset about a few weeks back...that was getting evicted...

Prayers are a wonderful thing.  This mother found help, got a job, and they are all safe, with a roof over their head.  She contacted us this morning.  I checked on the students' progress and updated their Back on Track plans before I contacted her.  In the meantime our school social worker called me.  She was of the opinion that the mother was not going to be able to handle all of this and that the kids would be better off in a brick and mortar school...they would be safer and fed.

I think she was surprised that I would not back her in this decision.  I told her that:

1) she had not talked to the mom, yet, to find out what all was going on...how stable with the 'roof over their head', did she have other support systems, etc.
2) the middle school boys would not necessarily be better off in an inner city middle school.  I told her that she had not actually been in one of those schools and it could be a frightening, harmful environment.  My sense of the mother was that she was trying to make schooling and life less frightening for her kids.

Priti seemed a bit agitated with me.  I dug my heels in and I told her the whole conversation was moot until we both spoke with the mom.

Priti beat me to it. She called me back and told me that perhaps I had a point.  She went through the whole list of all the mother had done to ensure proper schooling and that her kids were being taken care of by her sister while she was at work and that she was on top of what her kids were doing with their classes when she got home from work.

I called the mother and congratulated her on her big turn around.  I had already sent emails to her kids giving them all a pat on the back for getting back to their schooling and being responsible.

Life is tough and why can't we have more faith in others?

On the flip side, I had a family that I DID recommend for withdrawal from our school.  The mother really wasn't doing her part, the kids were getting farther and farther behind and everytime we reached out and tried to help, she fought us.   I tried working with them for the last 2 months and nothing got better.  Bye.  The biggest piece I did not mention is...she had her kids in the school last year and bucked the system and was abusive to the teachers all year.  This year, we have a different system that helps us weed out the difficult ones that refuse to do as they should.  One of the students' teachers called me to thank me.

Kinda like The Darkness.  He can make things seem better for a while but...he is who he is.  He IS trying to step up and help TJ and Brit with gathering what they need for their first place.  He keeps suggesting ways he wants to help me...or things he can do for me.  I really am not interested in that. But if he wants to help his son then good.

I think when he is here over the holidays, I will do a 'forgiveness burial' with him.  I want to move on.  I want him to move on.  This may help us both.

Totally unrelated:  I joined the school Walker Tracker Challenge.  I have to walk 3 miles a day every day until Christmas.  I shall try to rise to the challenge.  Wish me luck.

Still Hanging in There

I have no major problems.  Not at this point.  I will enjoy my respite for now.  Something always comes along, eventually but I am not going to sit in wait.

Brittany was able to secure the job at my church's daycare.  She begins her new job next Monday.  She seems happy and excited.  I hope it goes well.  Her happiness is fleeting.  I am hoping that once she starts there she can look into seeing a counselor.  She is going to need it.

TJ is waiting to get his interview for a full time assistant TV news producer.  I am confident he is going to get the job.  He was told by one of the admins over in the TV studio that TJ is his pick for the job.   AND that there will be 2-3 producers leaving in about 3-4 months so if TJ does his assistant job well, he can move up quickly.  It would be nice to see things go well for TJ and Brit.

Bethany will be starting classes the last week of August.  It will be a juggling act that week.  TJ will be returning from a week in NYC just as I am leaving for a 2 day all staff meeting at a conference and resort center and Bethany will be starting classes. 

I am still training and seems I will be next week also.  I have lots of material to cover. 

This weekend I am taking Bethany and Jordan 'home' to be around the family.  Bethany hasn't had much chance to see anyone since March.  Jordan will get to meet EVERYONE all in one weekend.  He is excited and nervous all at once. 

I am back to trying to lose weight...for many reasons:  1) my lower back; 2) my hips; 3) my heart; 4) so that I can feel like the real me inside and out, again; 5) the most vain reason of all...to be attractive for someone new.  No, I don't have anyone in mind.  Bethany at first thought that was a terrible reason but I pointed out to her that whether we like it or not, people are visual and outward appearances matter.  I asked her to honestly tell me that she would have been quite so attracted to Jordan if he still looked like the fat, poofy haired guy he was in 10th grade.  I see her think about it and she admitted she may not have talked to him at first.  I told her, "See?  He is still the same guy inside and personality wise BUT in order for someone to want to get to know you, they have to be attracted to you."  It is the way of the beast.  Although, in my ex's case, he is attracted by the availability of sex.  And he doesn't seem to much care about the outside package.  *shudder*

Anyhow...I had better get back to my training sessions.  And by next Monday I should (hopefully) have my office set up.  And have a regular routine established.

Dead Weight

I am not really sure what happened. I don't know if it is all the praying that finally worked, or something I read or it just worked its way out...I do credit praying for a lot...I finally FINALLY feel nothing.  Seriously nothing.

Well...I do feel happy.  I feel lighter.  However, I do not feel hurt.  I do not have the deep soul sucking pit of pain invading me anymore.  I do not feel depressed or anxious...sad, mad, bad...

I simply do not care.  And it isn't like I do not care out of anger.  I just don't care.  I don't care what he does with his life or who he does it with.  I do not care if he is having a good or bad day.  I don't care what is going on with him in the slightest.  I don't care if I know anything that is going on with his life.  I don't care to share anything with him.  It has all passed.

And I feel FREE. 

I did manage to have a talk with the kids about how they viewed things.  If they feel I am being fair/unfair about things.  I told them that emotions can get in my way and I don't want them to feel I am being crazy about stuff and unfair to their dad.  I don't want them to be in the middle and uncomfortable with things anymore than would be natural.  So, we discussed how things are and they seemed to feel that everything is okay.  They understand how things were settled in the divorce and that it seems fair.  They said the only thing they have had any struggle with is how their father handled certain situations.

Which brought me around to the gf issue.  I asked them how that affected them and what it was about the whole thing that really bothered them....besides it being weird that daddy had a new woman in his life.

They admitted that is weird but that part they could get used to.  What they have a problem with is how quickly it happened, his attitude about it ("it's my life and no one else's business"), and the fact that she portrays herself as this nasty individual that is someone they would not want to be friends with anyway. 

I told them I just wanted to make sure that they are not giving their dad a hard time about it out of 'loyalty' to me.  I told them that they don't have to hold back because of me.  If they want to get to know her or give their dad's new life a chance to be a part of then do it.  It is weird for me too but I am not going to be mad at them or hurt about it.  It is the way it is.  However, if it is just the person that she is that they object to, that is a different issue and no where is it written that just because daddy picked her do they HAVE to like her or include her in their lives.  Just like IF I ever start dating, if they don't like the guy I am dating because they find him to be a type of person they would not pick to hang with, then they don't HAVE to like him.  However, if he is a decent person, he would deserve a chance.  Just like anyone their dad is with.  It is part of the family relationship package.

Divorce is an unnatural state of affairs.  It makes things complicated.  But, I am now finding myself to like it.  And the weirdest thing...this morning I found myself looking at shoes and dreaming about buying lots of them.

When I first met Troy, I had LOTS of shoes.  Not real expensive fancy models.  Just lots of various colors and types.  But, once we were married and kids started, money was tight, shoes started wearing out and I just never had the money to replace them.  But now that I am looking forward to getting a job and having a paycheck of my own, I am going to start rebuilding my collecting.  And there is the joy in my life...for now.

I am also really loving getting into my classwork now.  Now that my head is clear and I don't have stuff rolling around in it anymore, nor do I have people telling me what I should be doing anymore, I can think clearly about it all and I am really enjoying what I am learning.

I have to take a teacher exam the end of June to get an endorsement on my license to help me get a teaching job.  My second class ends at the end of the first week of June.  I think I am going to ask to put off my third class until after I take the teacher exam.  I want to be able to do a really great job on it.  After all, the test is 4 hours long and $105.  And that is just for Elementary reading.  I am contemplating taking the Middle School math.  That is 4 1/2 hours long and another $105.  yay.

Back to the class. 

24 Years

The end of July will be 24 years of marriage.  24 years.  If I sit and fathom the time...look back over what we have been through...really remember what our marriage has been like, it is hard.  It is painful.  I don't place all the blame on him.  I obviously did not know how to be married, either.  His approach to the marriage was more like he could still do what he wanted to, when he wanted to, and the big part about being married was helping to support a wife and a family.  Once he earned a paycheck and deposited it into the bank, he'd done his duty.

He is who he is and I am who I am.  I deal with ppl as individuals, not a lump sum.  He does not understand anyone thinking/acting any differently than he.   I understand that everyone is different, can handle different things, struggle through other things.  It is why we have scientists and football players.  Not everyone can be a teacher.  Not everyone can be a soccer player.  Not everyone can be the President of the United States..successfully...as demonstrated by Barack Obama. (yes, I went there...my opinion...just a little levity).

For instance, my son's first job was a bust.  He got a job with Kohl's working in the back room as an unloader.  He was too slow for them.  So he tried stocking shelves.  He was still too slow for them.  It was a stress for him...so he quit.  He eventually found another job and he stuck with it for quite a while until he got the part time job that  pays for his gas to get back and forth to class and for the occassional date.

Bethany started a job with McD's.  It is the busiest fastfood place in our town.  It caused her panic attacks.  So I told her it is up to her if she stays or not but the trainer might be more appreciative if she quits during training so she isn't wasting her time.  And the trainer WAS appreciative...thanked Bethany for coming in when she did and being honest.  She also asked Bethany if there was something she could do to make things better for her.  Bethany thanked her for asking but no.

There are other jobs out there that my daughter can do that won't cause panic attacks.  She is a good kid and is not lazy.  She is filling out more applications for jobs that are a better fit for her.  Troy is angry with me.  That I 'allowed' her to quit.  Frankly, I really don't understand the idea of putting someone through the torture of sticking with a job that is causing them such problems...especially when they don't HAVE to have that job.  I don't dare point out to him that he had a job that caused him major stress and anxiety not so long ago and he dealt with it by smoking crack, getting fired, and leaving his family. 

Perhaps him going off to Wichita will be a good thing.  I am just afraid that I will like it too much not having to deal with him everyday. 

I must admit, I will miss having another adult my age in the house.  Someone to hang out with now and then...interact with.  I need a friend close by.  It's weird that I don't have one of those...a friend close by.  My closest friend, Jackie, is on the other side of the state.  I suppose I should get to be more involved with the Women's Ministry group at church.  They hang out and do things.  I used to be part of it but I quit when it got to a point where they were doing a lot of baby/wedding shower planning.  I hate that stuff.  But, I guess, take the boring with the interesting.

Writers Wanted, Part 2

So perhaps I could write about tutoring my kids at home...while they are supposed to be getting educated at the school they are enrolled in.  I had to teach them organization: both class work and for writing essays, stories and reports.  I had (have) to help them learn their math.  I guess I'm not doing so good at that becuz my daughter was a GREAT math student until she hit middle school then something went wrong.  I had to help her with her lessons becuz she didn't understand what the teacher was trying to show them in class.  I would spend about 5 minutes explaining it, I would hear, "OOOHHHH!" and she would whiz through her homework and get an A.  My son did well in math...always, as long as I sat and explained it to him then he was off and running.  Now he is in college and he is majorly struggling with it.  He KNOWS if I sit and show him and work with him a bit he gets it.  Yet, he still resists doing that!  Now he is freaking out becuz he has one more class this summer (algebra II) then Trig in the fall.  I have to figure out how to instil some confidence in him with this math.  He works through it slowly, second and third guessing himself through it all.  I have told him ALL his life, "You are looking for something 10x's harder than it really is!  It is NOT that difficult.  There is a logic and pattern to everything."  If he can sit and use html code to build a web site without the help of web builder programs, then he should be able to do math! 

Parenting takes listening...REALLY listening.  Listen for what they are really trying to tell you between the words coming out of their mouth.  The even more difficult part is listening to what they are trying to tell you when they are saying nothing.  You have to KNOW your kid. 

There have been times when I quit listening to my son.  I said I didn't get him.  I may not always GET him but I know him.  I think what I took as not getting him is really being afraid of what I know.  He is scared, unsure, and any confidence he had in himself has slowly leached from him and down the drain.  It is really tough trying to prop him back up. 

Sometimes they need it.  Most times they need it. 

My daughter doesn't fool me.  She puts on a brave face and acts like she is 'good'...has it figured out OR she can figure it out herself.  But I know what is really there becuz she is me.  I was just like her..still am.  We all need someone to at least be by us as we journey forth, and sometimes clear a path for us once in a while, no matter how old we are.

I get weary myself becuz all my life ppl have stood back and let me do it all myself.  They have ALL thought that I have a plan...I'm determined...I am smart...I know what I want and how to get it...I don't ask for help becuz I don't need it.

Here's a clue:  It's the ones that DON'T ask for help that need someone else to give them a break and start clearing a path for them once in a while.  NO ONE always knows...

And that is why my daughter can count on me to be there to hold her hand or start clearing a path for her once in a while.  She won't ask...but I know she would like to.

My son is trying to be strong and independent.  He is doing the 'guy thing'.  Getting help from mom with his college math makes him feel like a kid...a mama's boy.  I think tomorrow I am going to put a label on my shirt that says, "Math Tutor".  Wonder if that will make him feel any differently?

I guess by the time I am done with my math tutoring of my kids I will have made up my mind if I want that masters in math ed. or not.

Writers Wanted, part 1

I was amused while looking through an online version of the old hometown newspaper...I glanced through their classifieds.  They have fallen into the same pit as a lot of online newspapers;  their employment classifieds are actually Monster boards.  ick.

What amused me was the ads for writers...blog writers.  One of the ads was for someone who was an expert on parenting to write a blog on it.

My thoughts exactly.

Everyday is an adventure in parent land.  My mother made it look so easy, for the most part.  Then again, she was always in a whirl. 

When my son was small, there was something (and don't ask me what it was, I think it had something to do with table manners) that flipped a switch about a fundamental piece of handy info all parents should be told about raising kids: They don't just automatically know stuff...they have to be TAUGHT EVERYTHING. This should be common sense for parenting but it reallys doesn't seem to be.  I think my generation just really never got it.  Want proof?  Just look around at the generation behind us...not ALL of them are messed up but enough of the percentage of the population to make it seem like they are all pretty much without morals and lacking a logical thinking process.

I have noticed too many parents of my generation that just figure their offspring will automatically KNOW stuff.  Where's the guidance?  And not everything has to have a good 'reason'...sometimes courtesy should be good enough.  But when the children grow up with parents that are so centrally focused on themselves they kinda get the idea that this world is pretty much 'every person for themselves'.  I still believe in the golden rule: do unto others as you want them to do unto you.  I have raised my kids that way.  They are finding out that not too many ppl think like that.

AND the death of the golden rule is one of the reasons this country is in the state it is in...but that is a whole nother rant entirely.