My hair is not straight, so?

For the past few years, I have been getting my haircut only once a year.
I am lazy.
And...
I want to keep my hair long, sometimes.

Ever since hair straightening become the 'in' thing several years ago, 'the' question never fails to be directed to me.

"Tak mau luruskan rambut?"
"Tak."

Are you saying my natural wavy/ curly hair is ugly? Did you know it costs so much money to maintain straight hair? I know my hair is already beautiful, you are just saying that because you want more money from me, kan? Do I look like someone who would rather spend money on my hair than food? I am food-lover!

After that, the hairdresser usually asks me this:

"Why not??? Lagi cantik tau kalau rambut lurus."
"Susah nak maintain la..."

"You buat lah permanent...Boleh tahan 4-6 bulan."
"I sebenarnya tak tinggal dekat Malaysia. I tinggal dekat London. Balik Malaysia setahun sekali, kadang-kadang 2 tahun sekali. Mahal tau kalau nak pergi saloon dekat London," this is not exactly a lie, a-quarter-true je...

Now, this reply usually diverts the conversation to how is my so-called life in London, away from getting my hair straightened issue. Staying overseas is always more interesting to talk about than your hair, like, duh!!!
Eureka!

Straightening your hair could damage it if you do it excessively. Even blowing your hair dry every morning is not good for your hair if you don't do it properly.

Do I look like someone who wakes up early in the morning just to get ready for two hours before an hour journey to work?
Do you know how it is, to have your hair straightened, then after a few months, the newly grown hair from the top of your head is curly and wavy half-way...It's ugly!
Don't I look clumsy and lazy enough to follow the tedious proper manual of maintaining my hair religiously?

I hide my bad hair day by wearing a hat or tying my hair up or put some hair accesories on my crown as a distraction.
Cheap, easy and effective!

And sometimes, I really love how my hair is naturally messy. I look more care-free and youthful. Call me weird, but I love it when I just wake up from my sleep, my hair is all over the place, then my boyfriend comes to see me and tells me that I look beautiful, regardless. And he means what he says, I know. He has seen me at my worst and still thinks I'm attractive.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against straightened hair, it is just not for me.

To tell you the truth, I am adventurous when it comes to hair. I am never afraid to try a new hair-do.

"Kalau tanak luruskan rambut...Colour rambut takmau?"

Sorry, I just don't deal with straightening or colouring my hair. Lain-lain hair-do, boleh, no problem!

The importance of teaching English to kids, when they are still sponges.

My 8-year-old niece, Nur, is number 8 in her class and her batch.

Me: Nombor lapan! Siapa dapat nombor satu?
Nur: Budak India. Nombor satu sampai nombor tujuh semua budak India, tak ada Melayu langsung.
Me: Are you trying to tell me you are the smartest Malay in your school?
Nur: Ye la...Next budak Melayu dapat nombor berapa entah.
Me: Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai?
Nur: Sebab tak pandai cakap English.
Me: Awak kan sekolah Melayu, bukan sekolah Inggeris, belajar guna Bahasa Melayu.
Nur: English lah!
Me: Oh, sorry, sorry, Auntie lupa. Sekarang Matematik dan Sains dalam bahasa Inggeris...Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai English? Sekolah Nur kan banyak bangsa lain...Nur tak kawan dengan mereka?
Nur: Kawan...
Me: Nur guna bahasa Melayu atau bahasa Inggeris?
Nur: English lah!
Me: You must speak in English with them okay...Nanti lama-lama dah tak fluent. Budak Melayu lain cakap English tak?
Nur: Budak Melayu tak pandai cakap English...Nur yang paling pandai...
Me: Kenapa?
Nur: Auntie...Nur kan dulu tadika English! Budak Melayu dekat sini semuanya tadika Agama!
Me: Hahahahaha...Patutlah sampai sekarang Nur tak pandai mengaji lagi!
Nur: Nur sekarang dah Iqra' lapan lah!
Me: So, Nur tak dapat hadiah lah macam ni.
Nur: Tak dapat.
Me: Hadiah dari Mama and Papa?
Nur: Tak dapat! Boringlah duduk rumah! Cuti tak buat apa-apa.
Me: Lets play a game. From now on, we talk in English. Whoever breaks the rule will be punished. Can you do that?
Nur: No problem!
Me: Do you want to follow me to The Curve?
Nur: Yes, yes, yes!

Give back to the society.

Aiyo...I had a typo in my previous previous entry. No, it wasn't a typo, I made a mistake in choosing the correct word to describe my boyfriend. I didn't realized about it until 'eff' pointed that out. I guess, my mind was really in a mess that time. I meant the opposite.

Most people like him la, okay?

Oh, another thing I should mention in my 'About me', my English is not perfect. I sometimes struggle to write in English. My grammar is all over the place. My vocabulary is limited.

So, why not write in Malay, some of you may ask. I do, sometimes. I just want to get out from my comfort zone. And writing in English is my tool to mask myself. Some people could recognize the similarities in the way I speak and write.

****************

In highschool, I had always dreamt to obtain a license and freely drive the car to wherever I want. I wanted to do charity work because I knew I would have all the time in the world to do something beneficial for the society.

After I finished school, I began to search for charity home adresses. My tendency was towards rumah kebajikan orang miskin rather than orphanages.
Most people would donate to orphans.
Most people forget about the poor.

I may not have the money to give, but I wished to teach the underprivilage kids.

I had the addresses, but I never go to visit them.
I didn't know how I would approach them. I didn't know how they would welcome a lonely 17-year-old girl.
My friends were not interested. Most of them were already busy in colleges.

Two years passed by.

I was involved in a charity work for indigenous school kids.

It felt good because I felt like I was contributing to the society.

"Bapa saya kerja kilang, mak saya tak kerja," one them said.
"Kami bukan macam kakak-kakak dan abang-abang semua. Kami tak pandai belajar."
"Cita-cita saya nak jadi pak guard!"

I forgot about my experience with them until yesterday.

And today, I wish I had the power to change the world.

My first 20 postsecrets.

1- I want to send in my secrets but I can't find the time.

2- I want to send in my secrets but I don't know how my postcards should look like.

3- I want to send in my secrets but I'm afraid someone would know it's me.

4- I cry when I read their secrets on the website.

5- I wish postsecrets.com had an archive so I could go through all previous secrets. All I could do now is search 'postsecrets' on youtube.

6- My parents are not as bad as I described them in my blog. They are good in everything else.

7- I wish I could be a housewife. But that would be such a waste to all the years in university. And nobody supports me in this, not even my boyfriend.

8- After I give birth, I want to take some years off from working and spend my time with my baby. When I told this to my friends, they laughed. As if I was being an unreasonable career woman.

9- I sometimes, just want to be: ORDINARY. Because I am not that special, really. It is easier that way.

10- I waste time. I hate it. But I can't find a solution to this problem.

11- I don't want to be a role model because I am not perfect.

12- I wish karma didn't exist. I don't want the bad things I did to repeat themselves on me.

13- I miss my friends when we were in high schools. Those times were so much fun. I hate drifting away from them.

14- My new friends are not the same like my highschool friends. I feel so lonely.

15- Sometimes, I want them to know I'm in pain, even though I am smiling.

16- How I wish it was easy to quit...But life is not that simple.

17- I used to have crushes on bloggers. Because I imagine they were as beautiful as what they've written.

18- I want to make friends with other bloggers, but I have to remain anonymous.

19- I DON'T WANT SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ME TO FIND THIS BLOG.

20- God has given me most things and I am grateful. But sometimes, I forget and I pretend like I am inadequate so I could complaint like everyone else, just so to be a part of the rest of the world. Because life is not perfect, ain't it?

The good marry young?

The doctor (Rossi) didn't win the game. Casey Stoner, the champion, is 21 years young, rich and married. How come people are getting married so young these days?

I asked my boyfriend, "Are you hurt?"
He denied it, but I know, deep inside, he is hurt.
Father said him being with me is not 'sekufu'.
All I could say was, "Sorry, sayang..."

Then, he promised, he will do whatever it takes to wed me.

I admire his maturity, passion, patience and determination.

I love you too.

Ordinary.

A scene from Grey's Anatomy, when Meredith's mother scolded her because she still hasnt chosen her speciality yet, the dialogue goes something like this:

"Everybody could fall in love and be blinded by love. But not everybody could pick up a scalpel and save a life! Bla bla bla and you are just ordinary?!"

Harsh.

What's wrong with being ordinary anyway?

Syahdu.

One shop in my neighbourhood always give free food as sedeqah on the first of Ramadhan.

I went just now. I saw husbands and wives.

Tiba-tiba, saya rasa syahdu. Saya mahukan 'comfort' itu juga. Saya mahu ikatan itu. Saya mahu berbuka puasa, berjalan, dan bermesra dengan seseorang yang sah statusnya sebagai suami saya.

Then, I was home. My ritual is to hop-blog.

Syahdu sekali lagi apabila membaca blog-blog yang gembira baru menimang cahaya mata. Mereka yang gembira menerima khabar menanti ketibaan orang baru tidak lama lagi. Saya mahukan 'comfort' itu juga. Saya mahu membelai anak. Saya punya naluri keibuan yang kuat.

I cried thinking that I am alone. That I probably will never find my 'comfort'. The truth is, I've found him, but I can't be with him.

Not yet.

Dan pada malam ini, saya terkenangkan diri sendiri yang bergelumang dengan dosa. Banyak. BESAR.

From http://permai-apt.blogspot.com

Entry July 4 2007.

"if you had a rough time with your father, make it smooth.

if you have been holding onto bitterness about something he did long time ago, let it go.

if you did something wrong, seek forgiveness from your father.

i'll say a little prayer for you if your father has passed on; you do the same for me."

I will try.

Bunga (kerna aku lelaki)

Lagu tiada kena mengena dengan diriku (kerna aku perempuan).

Berlagakkah saya?

In university, a senior told me this, "When you do your practical in Malaysia, you have to be extra extra extra friendly and humble, just because you study abroad".

We, students who study/ studied abroad, especially for undergraduate programmes, especially if we study/ studied in the Western countries, are constantly watched. For the slightest mistakes, we hear hurtful statements like, "Berlagak belajar overseas!"

Most graduates from local universities often feel threatened by us. They think we think we are superior than them, believe me, most of us, do not!

We are under pressure all the time.

People expect us to be fluent in English when we return. The truth is, I know a few who still suck at the language (eg: me!).

An innocent statement like, "Panasnya!" make the local students glared at us.

Or, "Dulu belajar dekat mana?" "Ala...Tak belajar oversease macam you..." (Tak berniat nak berlagak pon soalan tu sebenarnya.)

One time, someone got a scolding, "Awak ingat awak belajar overseas tu bagus sangat? Ingat, mak bapak kami semua yang tanggung perbelanjaan awak belajar dekat sana!"

Harsh, I know.

Maybe that someone made a mistake too, maybe.

From my observation, Malaysian students/ workers feel like they need to justify themselves most of the time in the presence of 'overseas' students.

"Kau orang dekat sana tak dapat buat macam ni kan?"

"Final year baru kau orang dapat buat kan? Kami dah buat sejak kami second year!"

It is hurtful to read a blog which expressed the blogger unsatisfaction and many replied to her blog, making statements like, "Budak overseas memang berlagak pon, susah nak jumpa yang elok..."

Hmm...Difficult?

My Malaysian friends from university are all kind, how could you say nice overseas students is a rare breed?

Don't you know there are some of us who come from poor families, and living abroad is/ was really difficult? We work/ed to get extra income.
We are/ were the international students who have to compete with other students ALL OVER THE WORLD just to be accepted in the universities.

Do you think it is all leisure?

Oh, and for your information, I have a friend who works as a lecturer and he is biased towards Malay students, especially those who come from the same state as he is!

Tak senonoh.

Why can't we be treated the same?

Why are these people become so sensitive when dealing with the 'overseas' students?

We actually look up to the local students sometimes, because they have many opportunities they do not realize.

For example, the local students graduate sooner than us.

Then, why are you so jealous of us?

Is it simply because some of us speak with an accent?

Okay, that's probably a little bit annoying but there are local students who speak with an accent too!

Kulit khinzir

My boyfriend and I went to the Versace boutique.

He was eyeing on a pair of Versace shoes in the glass shelf and wanted to try them on.

"Berapa harga ni?" my boyfriend always speak in Malay when shopping in Malaysia. He likes it when Malaysian sale assistants speak in Malay ni matter how posh the shop is.

"RM****"

"Ohh...Boleh try?"

"Ini kulit babi."

"Ohh...Yeke..." my boyfriend continued to view the shoes. "Ade orang Melayu beli?" my boyfriend asked.

"Ade yang tak kesah...Kite pon serba salah nak jual....Mase minta tunjuk, kita cakap ini kulit babi, tapi diorang tak kesah...."

"Hish, Melayu ni...Sanggup eh diorang nak pakai style punye pasal..." my boyfriend commented.

I like to think positive, so I defended them, "Diorang pakai stokin kot..."

The sale assistant then said, "Pakai stokin pon...Tapi...Masih babi kan..."

My boyfriend agreed with her, "Ha ah...Kan ade kulit lain, nak jugak pakai babi!"

I have friends who wear shoes made of pig skin leather. She is very careful not to wet it and wear socks with the shoes everytime.

Entahlah...

I've kissed sins

My friend said she has never been bothered to watch what she eats everytime she is abroad.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because...Jaga atau tidak, sama saja," she said.

"I don't get what are you trying to say here," I was confused.

"My ex-bf was a Chinese, right? He eats pork, he drinks alcohol...And I kissed him everyday when I was with him...So, in a way, I've tasted them all..."

"Ahhh???"

Yeah, then it struck me. I've never thought of it this way. As much as I try to select my food everytime I am abroad, I actually have tasted them all, because I've kissed non-Muslims and alcohol consumers before!

Banyaknya dosa aku!

A few days ago, I was on the telephone with my boyfriend, talking about his career. It felt like an achievement to me.

You see, I never really knew what exactly he does. All I know is, he is quite good at what he is doing. Well, I know the name of his job, but I do not know what he does from day to day.

Unlike me, I always update him about how stressful/ wonderful my day is, etc etc. He does not do that.

And I don't always ask him about his career. I give him space. I know he does not like to discuss about his work to me, but I am curious.

I know the reason why he does not want to discuss his work with me. He is being cautious. He is being humble. But I really do not see him boasting if he talks about his work with me. But I have to understand, it is just him, he is like that, and I respect that.

But sometimes, it feels nice if he has something to share with me.

Part of it is my fault, really. During the early days of the relationship, I asked him not to discuss the value of his projects to me. I specifically told him, "You could tell things to me, but please, don't mention the values".

I just do not want to be blinded by the amount of money he is making.
I want to love him for him, not for his money.
Besides, if I know his salary, I would feel I am not suitable for him, he could find someone better, I would feel intimidated.

I do not want to encourage him to talk about money. The truth is, I am afraid.
I know how some people change after they become rich.
I do not need wealth, a comfortable life is just fine with me.

Actually, I do not want him to make more than we need. But as you progress with your work, everything you thought to be a huge amount, is now nothing.

But I guess, he took my instruction wrongly. He probably thought I am not interested at all about his work. The truth is, I am, it is one of the things that makes a couple stronger, is it not? I want him to feel that he is free to tell me anything. Communication is key. I want him to feel comfortable to discuss all sorts of things with me.

So, a few days ago, after much persuasion, he finally opened up. It feels good. It made me feel like I am REALLY a part of his life. Now, I know, there are certain buttons I need to push for him to talk about his work, I've found the secret weapon!

Right now, my boyfriend is busy filing a lawsuit because he was duped by his friend.

Losing weight 2

(1)
The first time I was concerned about my weight was...when I was 16.

Family members, friends and even teachers (yes! Teachers!) began to notice how chubby my cheeks had became.

After getting their remarks, everything I owned seemed to appear smaller. Pants were tighter.

I blamed my puberty. I was a late bloomer, that's why I changed rapidly, from a ruler-shaped girl to a pear-shaped lady.

Another problem was, I am the kind who finishes everything on my plate. I do not waste food. Therefore, the only solution to this was NOT TO EAT ANYTHING AT ALL.

So, I did not eat for more than 24 hours. I only drank water. After 24 hours, I felt so weak, I ate an apple to supply energy to my body.

I did not tell anybody because I knew they would stop me.

Yes, I was the 16-year-old who desperately need want to lose weight.

I knew I couldn't lose weight overnight, but I was so sick of people talking about my weight. I probably wanted to punish these people and myself. If I fainted, everybody would worry about me and after finding out the reason of why I fainted, they would stop commenting about my weight and I would be happier.


I was not even that fat. Because I was skinny and I gained weight in a few months, I was relatively fatter than usual.

And they could use other words other than 'gemuk'! How about chubby, 'berisi' or etc etc. Gemuk/ fat is BMI over 25 okay! I was under the underweight category, then gained weight to be in the normal range, and they called me fat!

Anyway, after that 24 hours of straving and not fainting, I was disappointed and I decided not to give a damn about how my body look like. I took small steps like fasting and reducing the amount of food I put on my plates (because I just have to finish everything on my plate, you see, so, less food on my plate means less calories intake).

Now, I am happy of the way I am, and I will not care what people say about my body.


Isn't it funny, they have so much time observing my body, don't they have anything else to do?

(2)
When my niece was seven years old, she refused to eat rice. She only eat things she likes. One day, my mother was feeding her, but she kept watching the TV, ignoring my mother.

"Why don't you want to eat? Are you on a diet?" I jokingly asked my niece.

To my surprise, she said, "Yes, I am on a diet".

"Why are you dieting?"

Her exact words were, "Semua orang perempuan kena diet!"

I was bewildered, "No! Only fat people need to go on a diet. And you are not fat! Do you hear me? You are not fat!"

(3)
My friend is into sports and she takes good care of herself.

She eats based on what she should eat for the day (the things you would find at the back of the food package- the recommended daily intakes).

The typical things she says are:

- I need to finish this because I have only eaten 800 calories today.
- No, thank you. I have consumed all my calories for the day.

She is weird. I pity her because she gets the 'rolled-eyes' all the time.

Losing weight

I think I am not fat. Of course I am not fat.

In fact, I am happy with the body I have now. My boyfriend was attracted to my body shape first before he decided to approach me. So, that indicates something good eh? I told my guy friend about this and he agreed, I am not fat, I have a nice body. A bit flat on the chest. Okay, I lied, my boobies are actually very small....

But, I live with friends who are concerned about their looks.

I have a friend (Aminah) who is lighter than I am by a few kgs, same height, but she is convinced that I look thinner than she is.

She began to take pills that resulted in late menstruation because she took more than the recommended dosage. She collapsed once after working out because she starved herself. She even throws up after heavy meals.

Until a few months ago, she thought the smallest UK size is size 8. She is a size 8. After she found out that the smallest size is actually size 6, she is determined to squeeze into that dress size.

I am worried about her because her behaviour is affecting me as well. Now, I feel guilty if I am able to finish the food portion I order while she is puking everytime we go out together.

And she is not even a model nor a stewardess!

Another friend of mine (Bedah) is naturally thin. Well, she wasn't, but she seems to lose weight rapidly by itself.

Aminah adores Bedah's skinny legs and is always comparing herself with Bedah.

Aminah spends her time online surfing for websites on how to lose weight.

She makes me feel fat.

Bedah and I repeatedly tell her that she looks fine.

How small do you want to be?!

Her boyfriend even likes the fleshy type of girls. That's why everytime her boyfriend says she is pretty just the way she is, she would brush him off, "You like my body means my body is fat!"

So, the newspaper said 20% of the women population in Malaysia have 3G syndrome. Gebu, gempal, gemuk.

I am always afraid if I become fat one day. But I love food! Why can't I eat anything I like without worrying how bad the food is to my body?!

I am also afraid if I become fat after I give birth.

Risau, risau...

Smart men

I was a little girl with big dreams. By the age 6, I already listed the personalities I would like to have in my ideal boyfriend/ husband. Nope, not charming princes, I was smart enough to know there are not too many princes available in this world and they are not that smart. And only blonde princesses get all the charming princes.

I liked smart guys. I still do, but it is no longer on top of my list. I find it is quite difficult to seduce a smart guy, so, I reduce my standard of intelligence in a guy. They don't have to be genius-smart, I would accept okay-smart.

When we were small, we were protected. We thought the world is perfect. We thought there were only right and wrong, and nothing in between.

That's why I thought my ideal guy had to be genius-smart.

"And because I am a girl, my boyfriend/ husband has to be smarter than I am!" I do not who the hell implemented this kind of mentality into my head.

As I grew up, more and more characteristics were added to my list: smart, handsome, guitar player, soccer player, skater, tah ape ape lagi.

This went on until I was 16. I talked about this to three of my friends.

Friend A and B were determined to find a guy who are smarter than them.
Friend C said she did not care.

After the discussion, I studied my list and made it more realistic.

To friend A and B, I said: Good luck, babes!

Friend A is still single.
Friend B has crushes on game characters, such as, that guy from Final Fantasy, or that guy from Kingdom Heart, or probably the latest one is that guy from Grim Fandango. She is a big gamer girl, I tell you!
Friend C is in love with Korean actors.

Yup, when I was 16, I realized all the smart guys in my school were nerds and not fun to be with.

My priority shifted to guys who were popular and fun to be with.

Soon after, I dated the skaters, the guitarist, the drummers, the school soccer star, the bad boys, the cool scooter guys.

My crowd of friends grew bigger but I was so shallow, I judged them from their schools. I aimed for MCKK boys, Alam Shah boys, St. John's boys, BBBS boys...They had to be either smart or cool.

In college, my boyfriend was the total opposite of me. I liked him, he was nice, I believed he could guide me.

Too nice, in fact. I was crazy during that time, I just got my driving license, new friends in college, I needed to save my social reputation. I needed a boyfriend who would make me look good.

I searched for his faults.

He was not a clubber.
He was not fluent in English.
He was not that smart.

One time, I even questioned his genetics. His sister has severe asthma. His mother is fat, I assumed, suffering from many illnesses such as high blood pressure and diabetis.

For two weeks I thought how he would ruin my children and grandchildren's futures if I marry him. I wanted my children to be healthy!

Yes, I was paranoid.

Because I studied in Malaysia, I was not the ideal girl guys would after. They liked ayu type of girls, softspoken, polite, sane...

This is when I entered the non-Malay phase. I actually would like to marry a non-Malay because I want my children to be beautiful AND smart. Don't you notice how most good-looking and smart people in this world come from mixed parentage? No fair!

I told you I have a split personality.

Even though I go to clubs, I don't drink and I don't do drugs. I am probably one of the most well-behaved girls you would find in a club.

I wanted a guy who goes clubbing but doesn't drink and doesn't do drugs, just like me. And prays five times a day too!

I stopped looking for a man because it was almost impossible.

Until my Laling found me =)

Maturity teaches me you cannot judge how smart a guy is based on his SPM result, what course did he take in university, what he is doing for a living, how fluent he is in English...

So, what defines a smart guy?

Answer: A smart man.