high.

I shouldn't be writing now but my hands are itchy like that.

I know someone, lets call him Malik, who was a very bright student and good-looking. He lived in Bangsar with his wealthy parents. Earning a five-figure salary every month in the 80s is impressive, don't you think? His father was smart too, graduated from one of the top universities in the world.

I don't know what happened, but his father became a womaniser, spending the company's money like mad. It affected his work performance and was fired. He never reclaimed his glory days after that.

Now, lets talk about Malik. Malik was popular in school. He had everything, good looks, music talents, brain, money. Living in the heart of KL, he was introduced to drugs at an early age. Plus with his family situation, he grew up to be angry and rebellious. Never had a proper tertiery education even. He is now very skinny, old, jobless, all thanks to the drugs.

It is sad to see a boy who used to have so many potentials in him, turn out to be running around the neighbourhood half-naked because he was high on drugs. Once, he even pointed a knife to his own mother.

A successful businessman told another businessman who told me this:
Nak berjaya, perlu ada dua benda
- jangan tinggal sembahyang
- jangan main perempuan

A woman can destroy everything you have ever worked for. Trust me. I've seen it. Some of us can be very poisonous.

Drugs.
I am not familiar with the drug industry in Malaysia. But from friends, I know it is easily available.

Probably because I didn't grow up in an urban area, I was very surprised when an 17 or 18-year-old girl admitted that she is a regular drug user. I thought she was too small and too innocent for drugs and she came from a very good family background. How could she be too stupid to get addicted?

I am trying to understand the minds of drug users. I know, some of them were born unfrotunate, nobody to guide them, too stressed for such young souls, that they turn to drugs for comfort. But there are also those who use drugs because they can. The second kind is the people who purposely invite troubles in their lives. I give them none of my sympathy.

Ganja or weed, to me, is the lowest class of drugs. According to my observation, people who are addicted to weed are normally temperemental. They beat their wives. They can be sweet at times, but they have terrible mood swings.

I could never imagine myself to marry a drug user. Most of the wives knew about their husbands' bad habits before tying the knots. But, we, women, always hope that they will change, because the men promised us so. When we realize it will never change, it is already too late.

I don't know how some women could overlook this fact in finding their husbands.

Haha, look who's saying.

I was involved with a person who was a regular drug user. When I met him, he said he had stopped. I welcomed him in my life.
Things weren't going so well between us, so I called it off, but he always threatened me.
He said he would be so crushed without me, only drugs could numb his sadness.

I didn't want to be responsible of him returning to his bad, old habit, so I gave in, many times. One day, I realized, I couldn't control this guy, he should be responsible for his own act, it is not my fault if he decided pollute his body with drugs, why would I take care of someone who wouldn't want to take care of himself?

I've had enough.

I think, the drug use also contributes to his regular visits to the psychiatry department for therapies.

At first, he blamed me for making him go crazy. I felt guilty for months. This guy has his own ways to abuse me mentally. He stalked me so bad, he once broke into my house to steal my bra. How did I know? He told me so!

The therapy helps him in some ways, I think, because he is no longer angry with me, but I would avoid any possible contacts with him.

Jangan buat jampi-jampi dekat coli tuh, sudah...

drama mama.

Have you ever felt suicidal before?

When I was 18 or 19, I always thought of how I was going to kill. I knew I am not brave enough to slit my wrist or hang myself, so I thought, jumping from the 18th floor is the easiest way to die.
As I know suicide is not accepted in Islam, and I really want to go to heaven, I imaginatively created another way to die:
- Stand by the window, somebody surprises me, I lose control, fall.
or
- Suddely is woken up by bees swarming over me, I close my eyes, I cannot see, I run and run, and fall.

Both are accidental, so, it is not really my fault if I died, eh?

How severe was this thought? Lets say, whenever I was taking a break from studying, I would look at the window and imagined myself doing the above.
Sometimes, I really stood by the window and bent my body halfway.

One other reason why I like to stand by the window is I like how night breeze brushes softly onto my skin. I feel livelier everytime. Just like when I am at the beach.

Why I wanted to die? Because I thought I was going to fail my exams. I fear the embarassment the most. I'd rather die than repeating my course or settle down for something less than expected.

Oh, did I tell you there was someone who jumped off the building? From the 11th floor, I think. I heard his scream. Or was it the scream of someone who saw him fall? I don't know, but a scary scream that I ignored because I thought it was just another stressed student screaming in the exam season.
I saw his body. I saw big cars came and went. I saw the ambulance and the police cars. I saw his friends.

I thought, wow, somebody actually fell from this building, just like my vision. Thank God he was not me!

I was the craziest at this age, driving madly and secretly hoping I would be involved in an accident, just because I didn't want to study for my exams. I thought, if I was hospitalized, I couldn't sit for the exams.

I passed my exams with flying colours, shocking not only me, but my parents, lecturers and some of my friends.
I am not that stupid afterall.
Cuma drama mama sahaja...Hehehe...

Now, I no longer have suicidal thoughts but I get more depressed.
I don't know how severe is my depression, I am never close to anyone who has depression before.

I cry for no reason.
I notice I cannot be left alone or this depression would cloud over me. Betulkan, bila keseorangan, memang banyak setan.

Do a depressed person know that he/ she is depressed initially?
At what stage should I consult a doctor about this?

Or is this another drama mama part of me?

Air-cond

Yesterday:

Mother: Are you still with that guy from that state?
Me: Yes.
Mother: What is his actual occupation?
Me: He is ***
Mother: Apa kelulusan yang dia ada?
Me: Degree in Business Admin.
Mother: (I'm not impressed intonation) Why don't you concentrate on your work first before thinking about anything else?
Me: (Silence)
Mother: I'm not saying that you aren't working hard enough, this is just an advice.
Me: Iya lah...


Nur is my niece.

Me: Next year, Nur masih sekolah agama?
Nur: Yes.
Me: Pagi ke petang?
Nur: Apa?
Me: Sekolah kebangsaan, pagi ke petang?
Nur: Mana ada sekolah kebangsaan petang!
Me: OK...So, sekolah agama dekat mana? Dekat masjid atau sekolah agama biasa?
Nur: Sekolah agama biasa! Ada air-cond!

Haha, children...Air-cond is the determining factor where would they be schooling at.

Property.

I pestered my boyfriend to buy a house. I don't mind living in an apartment even, I just think somebody who is serious to get married has to have all the necessities ready. You are not being responsible if you are not prepared to take care of your spouse.

My boyfriend said he has a land. I said, a land is not enough. We need a house, somewehere to move into, a house to start a new life as husband and wife.We are not going to live with my parents. Not yet. We will live with my parents when they are too old to take care of themselves. It's crazy to live with my parents when they don't like my boyfriend in the first place!

We argued.

He said he wanted to buy a house, he already paid the deposit, but the contract was violated and he cannot sue him. It's not that easy. Yes, I do understand. But that doesn't mean the house hunting should stop. I know it's difficult to buy a suitable house now in KL/ Selangor.

I was guilty because I proceeded to say mean things to him.
I didn't mean to hurt him. I was just trying to advise him, trying to put some senses into his head, but I guess I was too harsh and too insensitive.

I said, why didn't he think about buying a house when he was much younger. We wouldn't be facing this problem when everything has been settled early. He said he didn't have a girlfriend that time and was only having the time of his life, being single and no commitment. That's why he didn't buy any property.

I was mad, so I told him, when my pilot friend was 21, he already bought a condo with his own money. (I was poor when I was 21 because I was still studying) Now, where the hell should we buy a house, Putrajaya is an okay place, but it's far and the schools are new. I want to live in a place where good schools are near for my children. Damansara is expensive and most of them are condominiums. I want to live in a Semi-D, at least. I scolded him for being ignorant when he was younger.

He defended himself by saying he never planned to move out from his hometown. By this time, I raised my voice, a smart person will buy properties in KL/ Selangor to let them. How can he not have a thinking like this? I am younger than him, and I a woman, even I know how to play the market! House properties increase in price over time. My boyfriend is more interested to spend money on big cars. I told him, cars don't generate money and they don't last long. There will always be a newer car model, just like mobile phones.

I think his ego was challenged by this, he said, "I don't do bank loans. You know me, I don't do loans!" I told him that there's nothing wrong in loans, people do it all the time, it's normal. He then said, no, loans are for people who don't have their own money. I said, fine, then go buy a decent house by cash, if you insist! Where are all your cash? You've spent it on your cars and motorbikes, didn't you? And you go shopping buying expensice clothes. Now, tell me, can we take shelter in your shoes? Sarcasm.

That's what I am doing now, I working my ass off to satisfy you and your parents, he said. "Since when you become so materialistic like this?" he continued saying. I know things would get worse if I didn't shut up, so I was in silence. I let him talk: You don't know how much money I've spent to get these projects. Sakit kepala pikir perangai orang macam-macam, kena tipu lagi...You tengok I kerja macam senang, tapi you tak tahu I......

I let him talk what he feels:

Look, that's why I want to marry you okay? I feel so wrong to burden you with my problems, I don't want to interrupt your work, I know you have your own problems too. Besides, if we are married, I am more comfortable to tell you about my work, about money, about everything. At least, when I go to bed, I have you by my side. Right now, all I could do is sakit kepala before I sleep. Talking to you is always relieving, but I still have to limit what I could tell you. I don't want to talk money with you. I don't want you to think I am like that. Rezeki bila-bila masa Tuhan boleh bagi, boleh hilang. I work hard to have you. You know I will fight to win you. Right now, I need to know you will always stand by me.
I will buy a house for us. Can you please be patient?

*********************

So, anyway, what annoys me the most is the part when he didn't save money when he was younger. When we were 21, my male friends were starting to save money from our monthly allowence just in case, and they didn't even have girlfriends back then!

Am I being materialistic to request for a house?

It's called survival instinct! Every human has it! Except for some men...Because some of them are not human enough!

Lelaki kampung.

When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I used to ignore him a lot. Friends always come first. So, everytime I was with my friends, it would take a very long time for me to reply his SMSes. Also, whenever he called, I would turn on my cold shoulders on him and ended our conversation fast.

Not that I didn't love him, I. Just. Don't. Know.

So, because it would take me so long to reply his SMSes, he would worry and started to give me 'Missed Calls'. I hate this part the most because it was so embarassing to receive 'Missed Calls' from a grown up! Not just once, but many until I finally had to give him a reply!
I understood his situation though, he was still a student and he never asked money from his parents. He needed to save money. He even worked part-time to support himself.

Jadi, tak payahlah call terus kan? Risau sangat...

I did explain to him that whenever I was with my friends, I would be extra excited to gossip and I couldn't afford to spare my time just to reply his unimportant SMSes like, "Dah makan?" or "Sihat?"

I was a bad, bad girlfriend.

Tetapi,
The most annoying part is when I sulked after we had an argument, and he still dared to give me 'Missed Calls' as a way to make up to me!

We broke up years ago.

Before we ended our relationship, we were separated by distance. I didn't believe in long-distance relationship. Why? Because I know long-distance relationship won't work WITH HIM.

All we did was sending SMSes to each other. I was the one who always had to call. He called me once in a blue moon, and most of the time he called me from a public phone!
I missed him so much but calling from a public phone wasn't so private (duh!) and we couldn't be all mushy and stuff.
He had limited coins in his hands, so I couldn't talk to him as long as I wanted.
Before I even finished the things I wanted to say to him, there would be 'beep' sounds indicating he was running out of money and we had to hang up abruptly!

At first, my ex-boyfriend didn't want to let me go. (Ada pulak tak jadi break up sebab one party disagrees?) I lied to him that I didn't reply his SMSes because I was at a club because I know he hates girls who go clubbing. Berdosa. One day, he suddenly said okay. I soon found out he said okay after he found a replacement. Bodoh!

My ex-boyfriend was not stingy at all, he was just not well-off.
He always tried to be romantic but ended up a little bit silly. Like the time he bought me plastic blue flowers! Or like the time he went to a funfair in his hometown and gave me this weird, small bunny (or at least I thought it was a bunny). Or the time he went to Pulau Pangkor and my souvenir was this cheap keychain!

I don't hate him because of his financial status, I hate him because he was a cheater. I remember I was feeling depressed and angry, I told my friends what a cheapskate he was, he who didn't appreciate all the money I spent on him. Babi!

Coincidentally, my two other friends just broke up with their boyfriends too, and we totally bashed on them, saying nasty things like, "Jangan harap aku nak cari lelaki miskin lagi, tak guna!"

One of my friends even sent money all the way from the UK to her boyfriend. He treated her so bad, I am glad she left him. But of course, she was depressed for a weeks and decided to splurge in Paris.
Another friend loved and called her boyfriend almost everyday when she was in the UK but he left her just because she refused to live with him in Kedah. He also had a problem with my friend being the daughter of a Datuk.

We were so hurt and sad and angry, we swore not to fall in love with a poor, inferior, kampung boy ever again!

Fast forward, all the three of us love our NEW, not so poor, confident, kampung boys. Haha!

The importance of teaching English to kids, when they are still sponges.

My 8-year-old niece, Nur, is number 8 in her class and her batch.

Me: Nombor lapan! Siapa dapat nombor satu?
Nur: Budak India. Nombor satu sampai nombor tujuh semua budak India, tak ada Melayu langsung.
Me: Are you trying to tell me you are the smartest Malay in your school?
Nur: Ye la...Next budak Melayu dapat nombor berapa entah.
Me: Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai?
Nur: Sebab tak pandai cakap English.
Me: Awak kan sekolah Melayu, bukan sekolah Inggeris, belajar guna Bahasa Melayu.
Nur: English lah!
Me: Oh, sorry, sorry, Auntie lupa. Sekarang Matematik dan Sains dalam bahasa Inggeris...Kenapa budak Melayu tak pandai English? Sekolah Nur kan banyak bangsa lain...Nur tak kawan dengan mereka?
Nur: Kawan...
Me: Nur guna bahasa Melayu atau bahasa Inggeris?
Nur: English lah!
Me: You must speak in English with them okay...Nanti lama-lama dah tak fluent. Budak Melayu lain cakap English tak?
Nur: Budak Melayu tak pandai cakap English...Nur yang paling pandai...
Me: Kenapa?
Nur: Auntie...Nur kan dulu tadika English! Budak Melayu dekat sini semuanya tadika Agama!
Me: Hahahahaha...Patutlah sampai sekarang Nur tak pandai mengaji lagi!
Nur: Nur sekarang dah Iqra' lapan lah!
Me: So, Nur tak dapat hadiah lah macam ni.
Nur: Tak dapat.
Me: Hadiah dari Mama and Papa?
Nur: Tak dapat! Boringlah duduk rumah! Cuti tak buat apa-apa.
Me: Lets play a game. From now on, we talk in English. Whoever breaks the rule will be punished. Can you do that?
Nur: No problem!
Me: Do you want to follow me to The Curve?
Nur: Yes, yes, yes!

Give back to the society.

Aiyo...I had a typo in my previous previous entry. No, it wasn't a typo, I made a mistake in choosing the correct word to describe my boyfriend. I didn't realized about it until 'eff' pointed that out. I guess, my mind was really in a mess that time. I meant the opposite.

Most people like him la, okay?

Oh, another thing I should mention in my 'About me', my English is not perfect. I sometimes struggle to write in English. My grammar is all over the place. My vocabulary is limited.

So, why not write in Malay, some of you may ask. I do, sometimes. I just want to get out from my comfort zone. And writing in English is my tool to mask myself. Some people could recognize the similarities in the way I speak and write.

****************

In highschool, I had always dreamt to obtain a license and freely drive the car to wherever I want. I wanted to do charity work because I knew I would have all the time in the world to do something beneficial for the society.

After I finished school, I began to search for charity home adresses. My tendency was towards rumah kebajikan orang miskin rather than orphanages.
Most people would donate to orphans.
Most people forget about the poor.

I may not have the money to give, but I wished to teach the underprivilage kids.

I had the addresses, but I never go to visit them.
I didn't know how I would approach them. I didn't know how they would welcome a lonely 17-year-old girl.
My friends were not interested. Most of them were already busy in colleges.

Two years passed by.

I was involved in a charity work for indigenous school kids.

It felt good because I felt like I was contributing to the society.

"Bapa saya kerja kilang, mak saya tak kerja," one them said.
"Kami bukan macam kakak-kakak dan abang-abang semua. Kami tak pandai belajar."
"Cita-cita saya nak jadi pak guard!"

I forgot about my experience with them until yesterday.

And today, I wish I had the power to change the world.

Happy.

My ex-boyfriend replied my e-mail stating:

- He holds no grudge against me
- He bought a new car
- His wife drives his old car
- He gets two months bonus this year
- His wife just got transferred so they are no longer living separately
- There is still no sign of his wife getting pregnant

I told my boyfriend about his e-mail.

Bf: Why is he telling you about his new car?
Me: I don't know.
Bf: Eleh, setakat kereta tu pun nak bagitau ke? Kereta I lagi hebat...
Me: Memang pun...
Bf: And why is he telling you about the bonus?
Me: Mana I tahu!
Bf: Dah setahun kahwin tak ada anak lagi?
Me: Well...Diorang kan jauh...Lepas ni pregnant la tu...
Bf: You jangan nak contact-contact dia lagi...I risau ni...
Me: I tak reply pun e-mail dia...
Bf: Nanti kita kahwin, you bagitau dia okay...I really, really love you. You jangan buat I jealous.
Me: I love you too. You jangan risau okay...Dia kan suami orang, I pun dah nak kahwin dengan you...You lagi best! I nak you je, tanak dia...

I feel so relieved after I read his e-mail. Why?

Because I don't feel anything! I don't feel sad that he is not mine. I don't imagine how my life would be like if he was with me. I don't feel excited to reply his e-mail.

Now I know for sure that I've moved on!

I am happy because of that. Really, really happy! Happy that I have found someone that I am happy with.

I am going to reply his e-mail next week or the week after. I don't want to become the third party, just in case.

P/S: My boyfriend does not know I initiated the contact. Don't tell him. He probably doesn't understand why I need this assurance.

The first love.

Okay, my Sunday is wasted by staring at my laptop for the whole day and reading blogs.

And I am writing the third entry for today!

I sent an e-mail to my ex-boyfriend. Because I read somewhere that it is a sin to memutuskan silaturrahim.
We broke up in 2002 and stayed friends until last year. My heart broke into pieces when he announced that he was getting married. I was so hurt, I requested for him to stop contacting me ever again.

Why DID I still have feelings for him? He was well-liked by everybody. My parents adored him. I wanted us to separate because I DID NOT believe the relationship could withstand the distance. He disagreed. But, one day, he said it was time to let me go.

Within a year after the break up, I still felt like I was his girl. We were mushy to each other. I was happy. Despite the distance, our love rekindled, or so I thought.

One day, he came to my house and we went out. I thought it was a date. I thought he would ask me to get back together.

While he was driving, I took his mobile phone and read his messages. I read a few messages from the same number. The number was familiar. The number was very similar to his.

My mind was running wild. This must be his special girl. Couples usually have similar numbers!

Although I was sad, I didn't let the messages bother me. I went with the flow. I stayed positive, there must be a good reason for those SMSes, I was trying to convonce myself. We kissed. He must still have feelings for me. I even gave him a hand-job! That was my first time doing it. I thought I was winning his heart. How naive I was...

He sent me home. I was unsatisfied because he didn't say anything about us getting back together even though he kissed me and all. I called HER number. I didn't talk to her. I didn't have the courage. But I did try to call her a few times that night.

Then, he called me. He said I had been calling her number. Correct! He was mad, he didn't allow me to call her again.

I was mad at first. I demanded an explaination. I thought he was single all along. For one year I had been fooled. And to think that I just had given him a hand job made feel more disgusted about myself. Not him. I loved him too much.

I was such a fool.

I cried so much that night. I am crying now because I was so hurt. How could he not tell me about this other woman? And apparently, his new girlfriend never know about my existance either. I really thought he would choose me over her.

I felt so unpretty, so dirty, so unwanted. It was pathetic. I almost begged for him to choose me. Never in my life before, I was so much in pain, like the one he caused me.

I acted like a crazy woman. I cursed him and hoped he will rot in hell. There was nothing he could do to console me. I felt so cheated. I felt used. He used me.

I never say this to him, but I wish I said, "You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me. You said you wanted my baby. How could you? You said you were madly in love with me! Me! You even gave me a ring and proposed to me!"

For the next two weeks, I felt so alone. I didn't tell anybody because I was ashamed. All my friends thought I was completely over him, so, what would I tell them about how furious I was when he decided I was not his The One.

I told myself that I am better off without him.

He said he was sorry and hoped we still could be friends. We were friends even though I hate him so much.

I couldn't take it anymore when he said he was getting married. That's why I ended it.

I wondered and pondered about him every now and then. My new-found love is way much better than him, and I hope he would be jealous of us (even though we haven't reached our happy ending YET).

Sometimes, I become so bitter, I hope their marriage doesn't work out. But, I quickly realize, as much as I want my ex-boyfriend to be miserable, I don't want his wife to suffer. I believe she is a good person. She is probably the right person for my ex-boyfriend because she might have changed my ex-boyfriend to become a better person. I hope my ex-boyfriend will stay loyal to her, no more cheating.

I never reveal to his wife about what he had done to her and to me. I opt to not interfere.

The e-mail I sent to him just now was just to let him know that I am sorry for breaking our so-called friendship. I hope he forgives me and we could be friends again.

Just friends.

My ex-boyfriend, left me for someone better, and is now married to her.

My boyfriend always remind me that: You are a good person. God will pair you up with a good person too. Tuhan dah cakap kan...

My ex-boyfriend told me he never touched his then girlfriend because his girlfriend doesn't allow him. I conclude, she must be a really, really good person.

Now that she is married to my ex-boyfriend, doesn't that make him a good person too?

(God pairs a good person with another good person.)

So, if he is a good person, but he doesn't end up with me, I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me, I must be not good afterall!

Thinking about my ex-boyfriend is depressing. Our relationship ended in a horrible way, but we stayed friends until the day his wedding invitation arrived.

Even though I hate him, I also despise him for not choosing me over his new woman. It is the ego in me, I guess.

After much thinking, I decide that I should not be hating my ex-boyfriend. Whatever happened, is really not his fault, isn't it? Because she is his jodoh, and jodoh is fixed by God. Why should I blame him for causing this heartache, when God has planned everything for us?

But, is it fair? Is it fair to play with people's hearts, and when things don't work out, all you say is, "Tak ade jodoh..." Are you not guilty?

And why am I not good?

Cinta Alan

I used to know a Parisian, a Frenchman, an architect named Alan.

I don't know why, but I have a 'thing' for architects. I just love men with that profession. I used to imagine they were good-looking, decent and smart. But that was not the reason I agreed to go out with Alan.

Alan was nice and I thought I was representing the Malay Malaysian community, so, he could get to know us better.

He was successful, he worked in various countries such as Indonesia and Japan before. I was impressed.

So, we went jalan-jalan. He was a gentleman, holding my hands, opened doors, offered seats to me etc the usual things that make us feel special, which most Malaysian men tend to forget.

Alan told me about his family, his job, his previous relationships and the people he had slept with. He told me about how a married Chinese lady who wanted to have sex with him but he refused because he just didn't do colleagues. I liked having conversations with him. He brought me to bars and drank beers. He said, "I only drink on weekends. I don't drink when I am working. It is against my principle".

At one of the restaurants, he studied my hand, trying to be a fortune tellar. He said my hands were soft, and he kissed my cheeks.

He perfectly understood why I don't drink: because I am a Muslim. He introduced me to his friends and his friends told me nice things about Alan, despite their lack of English.

At one of the last bars that we went to, Alan confessed that he liked me. He said I was interesting and pretty. I was flattered, of course. No wonder he was being extra nice to me, putting his arm over my shoulders and around my waist, holding my hands etc. I thought he was just being the typical Parisian. You know what they say about Frenchman, romantic...

But I knew things were moving too fast. I told him it was too soon for me to decide whether I liked him back. I mean, I liked him, but not to that extent.

One night, he invited me to dinner. I agreed. He brought me to his apartment because I was excited when he told me he was a skilled cook. I specifically instructed him not to cook pork or have alcohol as an ingredient. He said he would cook fish.

Entering his apartment was something new to me. It was a different atmosphere. Have you ever entered an artist home before? I found out he was an artist as well. He drew many potraits, even a nude picture of one of his friends I had met earlier.

Little did I know Alan was craving to have sex with me.

He was honest, and asked to have sex with me many times before but I politely declined. I gave him many reasons: I am not ready, I am a virgin, I want to wait for the right man, I believe in sex after marriage, I am having my period and I am Muslim, I don't fuck around. Somehow, whenever he asked to have sex with me, I was not offended and he was not irritating at all.

While drinking his beers, he cooked in the kitchen. Once in a while, he checked on me, making sure I was comfortable, and we french-kissed.

He said, "Why do you kiss me if you don't like me?"

I said, "Well...I did not kiss you, you kissed me!"

Oh, and for your information, I was never sexy in front of Alan. All I wore were a pair of jeans and a simple top.

He explained to me about his paintings, and kissed me, I turned my face away and he served me a glass of orange juice and kissed me, and again, I made faces. I made sure I looked at him when he poured me the drink, just in case if he was trying to drug me or something.

I didn't want to lead him on, I even made it clear to him that we were just two friends having dinner together.

His apartment had a nice view. There we were, appreciating the beauty of the scenery, (konon-kononnya romantik and I think he was hoping I would melt) when he began to kiss and touch me all over. I pushed him slightly, I said, "I told you, I do not want to have sex with you".

"Why?" he asked.
"Because I am a virgin, and I am planning to stay that way!" my voice raised.

"But I like you. You will like me too after we make love".
"NO!"
"Look, no commitment. If you don't like me tomorrow, it is okay. But if you still like me tomorrow, then I will commit to you. Let's just try for one night".
"I said 'No'! I think I should leave!"

I walked to the door. He stopped me.

"Okay...I respect you. Lets just have dinner."
I looked at him and said, "Okay".

I was sitting at the sofa when he said, "Please sleep at my house tonight. I promise, no sex, just talking. I want to get to know you better".

"Alan, I think I wanna go home now".
"Why?"
"I don't want to sleep at your house"
"But it is getting late!"
"It is okay, you don't have to send me home. I will find my way"
"But...Wait!" he pulled my hand. He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
"I am very sure" I was really afraid that time. What if this Alan tried to rape me? I prayed to God to tebalkan imanku dan tidak terjatuh dalam perangkap maksiat Alan. Chewahh....Hehehehe...But, seriously, I was scared.

I was so scared, I was preparing myself to scream if he did anything weird.

"Fine. Just let me turn off the stove and take my house keys".
"Okay".
"Sit down".
"No, I will wait here, at the door".

So, he walked me to a station (LRT station, train station, bus station, commuter station? Hehe. I'll keep you guessing). He bought a ticket for me, and waited with me.

He apologized and he said I had hurt him.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Alan asked.
"I am busy tomorrow," I answered.
"How about the day after?"
"You have to see my friends and I".
"I only want to see you," he said, almost pleading.

I didn't reply straight away.

"I am sorry, but I don't think I could see you again," I finally broke the silence.
"Are you sure?"
"I am pretty sure".
"Is that what you really wish for?"
"Yes".

Silence.

"Then, erase my number," he said, challenging.
"Okay," I replied, taking out my mobile phone, erasing his number.
"You can't contact me after this," Alan said.
"I know. I don't want you to contact me again," I said.

He looked sad, so I tried to console him, the least painful way, "Look, you are a nice guy and all. But we are different. I am sure you will find someone you really like. But, you and I, this could not work. We are too different".

"But I really like you".

Silence.

"May I kiss you for one last time?"
Hish, mamat ni....Getting annoying pulak dah!

I nodded.
He kissed me long and gently.

He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
Konon I would feel something after the kiss la tuh....

I nodded.

"You go home. I am fine..." I wanted him to leave.
"I'll wait with you".

And my ride came.
He kissed me on the cheek, and I left him.

That was the day I almost got screwed!
I didn't tell anybody because they would scold me bad....

Smart men

I was a little girl with big dreams. By the age 6, I already listed the personalities I would like to have in my ideal boyfriend/ husband. Nope, not charming princes, I was smart enough to know there are not too many princes available in this world and they are not that smart. And only blonde princesses get all the charming princes.

I liked smart guys. I still do, but it is no longer on top of my list. I find it is quite difficult to seduce a smart guy, so, I reduce my standard of intelligence in a guy. They don't have to be genius-smart, I would accept okay-smart.

When we were small, we were protected. We thought the world is perfect. We thought there were only right and wrong, and nothing in between.

That's why I thought my ideal guy had to be genius-smart.

"And because I am a girl, my boyfriend/ husband has to be smarter than I am!" I do not who the hell implemented this kind of mentality into my head.

As I grew up, more and more characteristics were added to my list: smart, handsome, guitar player, soccer player, skater, tah ape ape lagi.

This went on until I was 16. I talked about this to three of my friends.

Friend A and B were determined to find a guy who are smarter than them.
Friend C said she did not care.

After the discussion, I studied my list and made it more realistic.

To friend A and B, I said: Good luck, babes!

Friend A is still single.
Friend B has crushes on game characters, such as, that guy from Final Fantasy, or that guy from Kingdom Heart, or probably the latest one is that guy from Grim Fandango. She is a big gamer girl, I tell you!
Friend C is in love with Korean actors.

Yup, when I was 16, I realized all the smart guys in my school were nerds and not fun to be with.

My priority shifted to guys who were popular and fun to be with.

Soon after, I dated the skaters, the guitarist, the drummers, the school soccer star, the bad boys, the cool scooter guys.

My crowd of friends grew bigger but I was so shallow, I judged them from their schools. I aimed for MCKK boys, Alam Shah boys, St. John's boys, BBBS boys...They had to be either smart or cool.

In college, my boyfriend was the total opposite of me. I liked him, he was nice, I believed he could guide me.

Too nice, in fact. I was crazy during that time, I just got my driving license, new friends in college, I needed to save my social reputation. I needed a boyfriend who would make me look good.

I searched for his faults.

He was not a clubber.
He was not fluent in English.
He was not that smart.

One time, I even questioned his genetics. His sister has severe asthma. His mother is fat, I assumed, suffering from many illnesses such as high blood pressure and diabetis.

For two weeks I thought how he would ruin my children and grandchildren's futures if I marry him. I wanted my children to be healthy!

Yes, I was paranoid.

Because I studied in Malaysia, I was not the ideal girl guys would after. They liked ayu type of girls, softspoken, polite, sane...

This is when I entered the non-Malay phase. I actually would like to marry a non-Malay because I want my children to be beautiful AND smart. Don't you notice how most good-looking and smart people in this world come from mixed parentage? No fair!

I told you I have a split personality.

Even though I go to clubs, I don't drink and I don't do drugs. I am probably one of the most well-behaved girls you would find in a club.

I wanted a guy who goes clubbing but doesn't drink and doesn't do drugs, just like me. And prays five times a day too!

I stopped looking for a man because it was almost impossible.

Until my Laling found me =)

Maturity teaches me you cannot judge how smart a guy is based on his SPM result, what course did he take in university, what he is doing for a living, how fluent he is in English...

So, what defines a smart guy?

Answer: A smart man.

Pure and naive

I once worked as a part-time waitress in a hotel to raise enough money to buy a prom dress.

That was the first time I saw Malay men drank alcohol.

As a waitress, I was required to serve these customers. I refused.
I pretended to be busy with something else so my colleagues had to do the job.

Alcohol is haram.
Serving alcohols is bersubahat.

After the event, we had to clean the banquet hall. This means, clearing the table tops and changing the tablecloths.

I avoided alcohol up the point that I only cleaned 'clean' tables. Tables with no beer spills. I didn't even touch the beer mugs.

In the changing room, I was worried if I smelled like beer.

That is how pure I was, years ago. Pure and naive.

I want to be pure but not naive.