Lelaki kampung.

When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I used to ignore him a lot. Friends always come first. So, everytime I was with my friends, it would take a very long time for me to reply his SMSes. Also, whenever he called, I would turn on my cold shoulders on him and ended our conversation fast.

Not that I didn't love him, I. Just. Don't. Know.

So, because it would take me so long to reply his SMSes, he would worry and started to give me 'Missed Calls'. I hate this part the most because it was so embarassing to receive 'Missed Calls' from a grown up! Not just once, but many until I finally had to give him a reply!
I understood his situation though, he was still a student and he never asked money from his parents. He needed to save money. He even worked part-time to support himself.

Jadi, tak payahlah call terus kan? Risau sangat...

I did explain to him that whenever I was with my friends, I would be extra excited to gossip and I couldn't afford to spare my time just to reply his unimportant SMSes like, "Dah makan?" or "Sihat?"

I was a bad, bad girlfriend.

Tetapi,
The most annoying part is when I sulked after we had an argument, and he still dared to give me 'Missed Calls' as a way to make up to me!

We broke up years ago.

Before we ended our relationship, we were separated by distance. I didn't believe in long-distance relationship. Why? Because I know long-distance relationship won't work WITH HIM.

All we did was sending SMSes to each other. I was the one who always had to call. He called me once in a blue moon, and most of the time he called me from a public phone!
I missed him so much but calling from a public phone wasn't so private (duh!) and we couldn't be all mushy and stuff.
He had limited coins in his hands, so I couldn't talk to him as long as I wanted.
Before I even finished the things I wanted to say to him, there would be 'beep' sounds indicating he was running out of money and we had to hang up abruptly!

At first, my ex-boyfriend didn't want to let me go. (Ada pulak tak jadi break up sebab one party disagrees?) I lied to him that I didn't reply his SMSes because I was at a club because I know he hates girls who go clubbing. Berdosa. One day, he suddenly said okay. I soon found out he said okay after he found a replacement. Bodoh!

My ex-boyfriend was not stingy at all, he was just not well-off.
He always tried to be romantic but ended up a little bit silly. Like the time he bought me plastic blue flowers! Or like the time he went to a funfair in his hometown and gave me this weird, small bunny (or at least I thought it was a bunny). Or the time he went to Pulau Pangkor and my souvenir was this cheap keychain!

I don't hate him because of his financial status, I hate him because he was a cheater. I remember I was feeling depressed and angry, I told my friends what a cheapskate he was, he who didn't appreciate all the money I spent on him. Babi!

Coincidentally, my two other friends just broke up with their boyfriends too, and we totally bashed on them, saying nasty things like, "Jangan harap aku nak cari lelaki miskin lagi, tak guna!"

One of my friends even sent money all the way from the UK to her boyfriend. He treated her so bad, I am glad she left him. But of course, she was depressed for a weeks and decided to splurge in Paris.
Another friend loved and called her boyfriend almost everyday when she was in the UK but he left her just because she refused to live with him in Kedah. He also had a problem with my friend being the daughter of a Datuk.

We were so hurt and sad and angry, we swore not to fall in love with a poor, inferior, kampung boy ever again!

Fast forward, all the three of us love our NEW, not so poor, confident, kampung boys. Haha!

Panic attack.

So much is going on with my mind right now.

I am scared seeing couples who were married last year, or last two years but are now divorced.

They don't have children yet, perhaps that's why it is so easy to walk out on each other?

But isn't it too early?
On the other hand, isn't ending it now better than dragging it until it is too late?

They have known and loved each other for years, 5 years at least, before tying the knot.
Now it all means nothing.

My boyfriend and I? Are we strong enough?

I am frightened to see how some people lie too.

"Hello, I am single, and those are not my children, I don't know them. In fact, I have never seen them in my life."

"I swear, in the name of God!"

What my boyfriend tells to comfort me may have some truth in it afterall.
"Biar susah sekarang, tapi nanti kita bahagia, okay?"

Don't envy us.

A person envies us, envies our relationship.
A person envies the determination my boyfriend has, the things he does to win me.

I was flattered.
If that person has faith in us, why shouldn't we have faith in us?

I cried thinking how blessed I am.
I cried thinking how fear I am.

I fear the nice things will come to an end.
I fear if we won't make it.

So, to that person:
Please don't envy us. We might not reach our happy endings. Do you want to be like us then?

Stuck in between.

"I told him (one of his bestfriends) that I am going to marry you, I can't wait to marry you," my boyfriend told me just now.

Most of my boyfriend's friends know about me. Most of them know how seriously involved my boyfriend is with me. How could one adult not be? Sometimes, I really don't understand how adults can be so childish, having affairs and flings here and there. Saying 'I love you' without actually mean it.
But this time, is one of the times, when my boyfriend spoke with determination, he spoke without doubt, it was one of the serious heart-to-heart conversation a man would have with his bestfriends.

"What did he say about it?" I asked.

"He asked me, 'When?'. I told him that I would tell my parents to see your parents next year. Do you think your parents will be mad if my parents come to see them?"

"I don't know," I am still unsure.

The topic about my relationship with my boyfriend has been avoided for months now. After the big fight a few months back, my parents and I pretended it never happened. Only once after the incidence mother did ask me, "Are you still in contact with him?"
Him.
She didn't even say his name out loud.
I told mother the truth, "Yes".
And that was that. No further response.

I really don't know how my parents are going to react if suddenly I announce, "His family is coming to our house next week."
I could imagine how it is going to be like. Mother and father would say, "No."
"Beranilah nak datang. Kami tak akan terima, we wouldn't open the gate," they would say, followed by long lectures of why I should choose someone else. I would plead, "Please don't embarass me", I would defend him, voices will be raised, tears will be shed, and I would lose the battle. Parents always win, don't you know? A daughter is helpless. Especially a daughter like me who doesn't have siblings to back me up. They wouldn't dare to interfere.

I'll end up looking like a gila meroyan girl, terkena sumpahan orang.

"Look at what he makes you turn into? We never teach you to become like this! He is a bad, bad influence, is this the kind of guy you want to marry? He makes you rude to us! Are you being ungrateful after all we have done for you?" my parents will accuse my boyfriend, they did that before. I know their game strategy. I will feel guilty. I will be left with no choice. To stop further accusations, I will have to calm myself, I will have to stop my tantrums. It is not his fault, stop blaming my boyfriend, he is a good person. That's how my parents win the battle.

My boyfriend's intention to wed me has became a known fact to his parents. But he is yet to persuade his parents to see my parents. "I still need to save money for the wedding," is his excuse to his parents. "We could help you out," his parents would offer. The truth is, money is not an issue.
But how could a son tell his parents, "Her parents don't like me. They say I am not good enough for her."
We are adults. We don't want our families to hate each other. I don't want my boyfriend to tell anybody how choosy my parents are. My boyfriend doesn't want anybody to know how much his girlfriend's parents hate him.

Siapa yang mahu membuka pekung di dada? Kami tidak mahu menconteng arang ke wajah sesiapa.

My boyfriend and I are stuck in between.

When I first introduced my boyfriend to my parents, I thought everything would go well. The possibility of my parents hating him never crossed my mind, not even once. He is perfect to me. He is a gentleman to my friends. He is the responsible son in his family. He is such a dear to his friends. He works in an environment where he deals with people of all ages. He woes most people. How could my parents not like him?

It was a shock to both of us. I wasn't prepared for this.

Our hopes collapsed. It was supposed to be running smoothly, it was supposed to be simple and straight to the point: introduction, acceptance, merisik, meminang, bertunang, marriage...

I wasn't prepared for this.

What went wrong?

I'm trying to stay optimistic. If God wants to put obstacles in my current love life, fine, but I hope I will be having easy success in other areas. I hope I will overcome the obstacles and be happy later in life.

I believe I can have everything I want, just not at the same time.

Well, my Lord, Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku...Show me the correct path.

Postponed.

I am sorry I don't reply your comments.
But, trust me, I do read them.
I just don't know what to say.

Anyway...
Everybody else around me is getting married and I wish I could share the excitements with them. Of course, I am happy for my friends, but I wish I could tell them, "Hey, I am getting married too!"

I wish I too could go shopping for barang hantarans, set appointments with the photographers to see their portfolios, go to the bridal shops, having my mind about to explode thinking about every single detail and become a bridezilla just because it is all about me on my big day.

My plan, or more correctly, our plan to get married in several months has been postponed to early next year. I requested for it.

Some of you might not know this, but I have two homes. One in Malaysia, with my parents, another, my bachelor pad, is in somewhere not in Malaysia. I often travel in and out of the countries. The same goes to my boyfriend. Although we have different professions, fate brings us together. His other home is near to my other home, but he travels even more rarely than I do, once a year.

My boyfriend and I really want to make sure the marriage we will be having is truly 'sah', so he consulted a few pious men. So, the akad nikah will not be held in Thailand or Malaysia, but at a mosque near my other home. My 'tempat bermastautin' for a few months in a year.

My boyfriend always ask me this, "Sudah bersedia untuk menjadi isteri?"

My preparations for my big akad nikah day? Nothing. We don't want anybody to be suspicious. I think I am ready. I will love my husband and take care of him. I will ask for his permission, ask for his advice, make decisions together and respect him.

And I will learn how to cook his favourite dish? Maybe...He is a better cook than I am...

I will not be wearing a nice baju kurung and a lacey veil on my akad nikah. Instead, I will be wearing my baju raya, which is pretty too, by the way. But I have the feeling my boyfriend will surprise me with a pretty wedding baju kurung for me.

He is a sucker at keeping secrets to surprise me, that's how I get to know. Haha! His choice on my wedding baju kurung doesn't concern me at all. For your information, my boyfriend has excellent taste in clothings.

My boyfriend will have several gifts ready for me, but nothing in return from my side. He will buy me a wedding ring, a necklace, matching watches for both of us and money as duit hantaran. I can't be wearing the ring most of the time. The wedding ring will be the pendant of the necklace, so I could wear it without anybody asking my status.

I think I may have given too much informations here...

Okay, I would stop. I was just being a normal lady who is excited for her nikah day.

How would we live our lives? My boyfriend said he is ready to introduce me as his wife to his friends after we are married.

"But, they will ask you why they weren't invited to our wedding!" I protested.
"I would tell them the truth. We nikah first, and the Walimatulurus will be held later. I will invite them then," he said.
"And if they tell your parents about this?"
"My parents will understand...I know them."
"Kalau kena tangkap basah?"
"Kita cakap kita dah kahwin."
"Tapi kita tak ada bukti, tak ada sijil nikah!"
"Kita bayar denda."
"But they will inform my parents and they will kill me!"
"Well, we just have to make love overseas then!"

At this point, I just had to laugh at the simplicity of my boyfriend's mind. He is so cool and determined about this, which in turn, makes me feel safe and secure as long as he is with me.

My feet are still on the ground. The reality is not that simple. I know. We know.

Poligami 2.

Saya pun tak tahu kenapa tiba-tiba saya mahu mengulas tentang isu ini walaupun musim poligami lama sudah berlalu (musim berlalu di dada-dada akhbar, tapi tak bermaksud orang tak buat).

Entri yang lepas membuatkan saya lebih peka terhadap isu ini. Contohnya, baru-baru ini, saya berkenalan dengan seorang lelaki 65 tahun yang inginkan pil Viagra tapi tak lampu hijau dari doktornya kerana beliau mempunyai masalah jantung.

"Tua-tua pun aktif lagi ye?" saya fikir. Secara tak langsung, saya membayangkan ibu bapa saya dan ibu bapa boyfriend saya mengadakan acara rompy session mereka.

"Blerrrghh!!!" saya tiba-tiba tak dapat meneruskan bayangan itu.

Kemudian saya fikir, adakah saya sanggup melayan kehendak seks suami saya apabila beliau berumur 65 tahun nanti? Seorang isteri yang baik, tentulah akan menunaikan tanggungjawabnya. But, can a wife give it all, can her sexual desire be aroused? Isteri yang baik kena fully pleasurable!

Mungkin, by that time, saya akan menjadi tak kesah, saya sendiri yang buat request, "Sayang, I dah tak larat ni, pinggang I dah nak patah...You kahwinlah isteri yang muda sikit..."

Dari Jabir r.a, katanya dia mendengar nabi s.a.w bersabda:”Apabila ada di antara kamu yang tergoda hatinya kepada seorang wanita maka hendaklah dia pulang kepada isterinya untuk melepaskan rasa rindunya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian itu dapat mententeramkan gejolak hatinya.”

Tengok...Kena pulang kepada isteri! Eh, tapi nanti ada pulak yang argue, 'Lepas saya kahwin dengan wanita itu, bolehlah saya pulang kepada isteri baru saya tu!!!'

Tak ape...Argument masih boleh diterima. Ye lah, kahwin setakat nak memuaskan nafsu, ape kelas!!

Masa muda-muda dulu, mesti lelaki memilih kan? Calon isteri hendaklah bukan sahaja cantik, malah bijak, pandai masak, baik hati, pandai layan budak-budak etc.

Tapi selalunya, lelaki kalau dah tua, tergoda dengan perempuan muda, lebih 50% tertarik pada kecantikan perempuan itu. Jarang sangat yang memilih kriteria-kriteria lain. Ya, betul, isteri muda mesti baik hati dan pandai bergaul juga, tapi threshold/ standard criteria yang lelaki cari pada seorang wanita ketika dia muda dulu sudahpun berkurangan. Ini kerana lelaki itu pun sudah tak berapa kacak.

Jadi, kepada isteri pertama, janganlah anda jealous kepada isteri muda. Andalah yang paling perfect sekali, cuma kini dimamah usia...Nak buat macam mana, suami perlu dipuaskan.

PADA PENDAPAT SAYA, (ditekankan, ini pendapat saya seorang), yang layak berkahwin lagi itu hanyalah lelaki yang tua ataupun yang isterinya telah tua, lalu tidak dapat memenuhkan permintaan seks lelaki itu.
ATAUPUN, lelaki yang kerjayanya membawa ke seluruh dunia, di mana dia perlu isteri untuk menguruskan keperluannya. Paling layak adalah lelaki yang merantau atas tujuan berdakwah (Nabi Muhammad SAW dulu pun berkahwin ramai atas sebab dakwah).
DENGAN syarat, dia berkemampuan DAN adil saksama.

Kepada lelaki, kalau isteri anda muda dan mampu zahir DAN batin, anda pula tak bekerja outstation sana sini (tapi yang selalu anda buat ialah menipu isteri anda outstation), tak perlulah kahwin lagi seorang! Bak kata hadith di atas, "PULANG KEPADA ISTERI". Tak ada sebab untuk anda tidak dapat pulang kepada isteri anda yang telah sedia ada itu...Tak jauh pun!!!

UNLESS YOUR WIFE REFUSES TO SERVE YOU. (or if she's infertile and you want a child so badly. But you know what, nowadays, there are many alternatives to conceive. The cost might be even cheaper than marrying another woman!)
Baru boleh anda beralasan untuk kahwin lagi. Tapi perlulah cari dahulu punca-punca isteri kurang taat. Anda sebagai suami, perlu membimbing isteri anda.
Suami yang baik, perlu ada wibawa dan bijak menjaga rumah tangganya. Kalau isteri yang seorang pun sudah huru hara, inikan pula tambah lagi seorang.

Huraian
Rumah tangga orang beriman adalah benteng mempertahankan maruah dan harga diri. Rumah yang didiami bukan sekadar tempat berlindung dari panas dan hujan bahkan ia merupakan tempat untuk beristirehat, membina kasih sayang antara ahli keluarga, anak dan isteri dan mencari keredhaan Allah S.W.T. Sesungguhnya, alasan yang paling kukuh mengapa manusia itu perlu berkahwin adalah disebabkan tuntutan psikologi. Dengan perkataan lain ia adalah fitrah yang dijadikan oleh Allah S.W.T. Maka atas tuntutan tersebut, tanpa adanya perkahwinan kadangkala manusia akan terjerumus ke lembah perzinaan dan maksiat. Sebab itulah Islam memuliakan sebuah perkahwinan dan amat menggalakkan umatnya supaya berkahwin sebagaimana sabda Rasulullah s.a.w yang maksudnya: "Wahai anak muda, berkahwinlah. Sesiapa yang mampu, berkahwinlah kerana ia lebih memelihara mata dan menjaga faraj. Sesiapa yang tidak mampu untuk berkahwin hendaklah dia berpuasa kerana puasa adalah penahan (daripada gelojak nafsu)." (Bukhari)

Kalau suami saya berkahwin lagi satu, adakah ini bermaksud he has gone mental (psychological problems)? Ehehehe...Just kidding!

Jadi, isteri pertama perlu paham! Alasan paling kukuh untuk berkahwin kerana sesungguhnya memang fitrah Allah itu menjadikan jiwa manusia ini bergelora, meronta-ronta hendak kepuasan...

Para isteri perlu redha dan berfikiran positif. Semua ini pasti ada hikmahnya...

Cara menenangkan perasaan isteri tua: Jangan risau, isteri muda itu tempat suami anda memuaskan nafsu sahaja...Tak perlu jealous dengan isteri muda!

Cara menenangkan perasaan isteri muda: Suami pasti lebih sayang dan lebih bermanja-manja dengan anda! Isteri tua sudah tidak dapat belaian macam yang kamu dapat! Kalau suami yang baik, dia akan membelai kesemua isteri-isterinya dengan sama rata, cuma caranya berbeza...Jadi, tahniah, anda dibelai dengan hebat sekali! Jadi, tak perlu jealous dengan isteri tua...

Sesungguhnya, lelaki yang mempunyai lebih dari seorang isteri bukanlah sesuatu yang senang. Seorang kenalan yang beristeri dua, pernah mengaku, "Tak perlulah kahwin banyak-banyak! Penat! Balik rumah isteri pertama, dia minta...Esoknya balik rumah isteri kedua, dia minta juga! Kalau tak bagi, tak adil. Penat....."

Dan sesungguhnya, bukanlah seronok sangat pun jadi isteri muda. Ingat mudah hidup dicemuh masyarakat yang tidak memahami situasi mereka? Ingat senang menjaga anak-anak yang masih kecil tanpa suami sepenuh masa? Lebih-lebih lagi kalau baby, suami pula jarang ada untuk membantu! (Sebab selalunya anak-anak isteri tua sudah besar, jadi tiada masalah anak-anak mempunyai bapa yang macam Chipsmore, sekejap ada, sekejap tak ada).

Tapi kalau jenis suami yang tak adil tu, jawab masa akhirat sajalah nanti.

Jadi, apa kata kita beramai-ramai jangan berat sebelah kepada mana-mana pihak.

Seorang ustadz pernah berkata, "Kalau ikut sunnah Nabi Muhammad SAW, baginda kahwin ramai selepas isteri pertamanya, Khadijah meninggal dunia".

Sejauh mana kebenaran kenyataan di atas, saya tak dapat pastikan, kerana saya kurang mahir dengan sejarah perkahwinan Nabi Muhammad SAW. (Ada sesiapa dapat confirmkan Nabi Muhammad hanya beristerikan Khadijah seorang sebelum Khadijah meninggal dunia?)

Kalau betul....Kudos to our Pak Lah, our Prime Minister!

SEDIKIT KATA-KATA MOTIVASI DARI SAYA YANG TAK BERTAULIAH.

Kepada isteri-isteri yang berasa suaminya kejam:
Jodoh itu Allah yang tentukan. Allah itu Maha Adil. Kalau diri anda elok, tentulah Allah menjodohkan dengan lelaki yang elok tingkah lakunya. Kalau diri anda beriman, tentulah suami anda pun beriman juga orangnya.

Jika suami anda tak elok budi pekerti, tentulah jodoh baru suami anda sumbang juga perlakuannya.

Kepada isteri-isteri yang baik (tak bias kepada isteri muda atau isteri tua asalkan baik hati) tapi berasa dirinya tertindas dan teraniaya ("kenapa aku walaupun baik dijodohkan dengan lelaki sebegini!" bisik hati kecil anda:
Ingatlah, semua yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya. Cabaran yang Allah beri mesti dapat diselesaikan sebab Allah bukan main suka-suka sahaja nak menyusahkan hidup hamba-hambanya. Sesungguhnya Allah lebih mengetahui.

Dan, doa-doa orang yang dizalimi, yang teraniaya, memang dikabulkan oleh Allah. Jadi, gunakan kesempatan ini untuk berdoa banyak-banyak dengan Allah. Sebagai contoh, "Ya Allah, ubahlah sikap suamiku supaya lebih adil terhadap isteri-isterinya. Tabahkan diriku ini untuk sentiasa menjadi isteri yang baik dan tidak derhaka atau berdendam dengan suamiku. Ubahlah sikap maduku agar lebih bertolak ansur".

Sekarang, kepada isteri pertama yang sedang pedih hatinya, cuba gabungkan kedua-dua motivasi di atas,
"Saya baik, suami saya jahat. Sebab itu suami saya dapat perempuan jahat. Tapi saya baik. Sebab itu dapat dugaan begini".

Diingatkan, ayat di atas cuma sekadar ayat menyedapkan hati sendiri. Hehehehehe...

Realitinya, kita kena sentiasa berbaik sangka terhadap orang lain.

Sekian.

Poligami.

Dulu, saya pernah terbayangkan, hidup saya ni ditakdirkan untuk bermadu. Sebab, dulu, saya bercinta dengan seorang lelaki yang baik, tetapi saya terlalu fokus dengan kerjaya. Pernah saya nyatakan pada dia, "Lepas kahwin nanti, I akan benarkan you kahwin lagi". Dia pula berjanji, takkan ambil isteri lain. Saya memikirkan hal dia. Dia baik tapi saya pasti tak terlayan dia. Lagipun, saya tak pandai masak, kerja tak tentu masa. Baik jugak lah kalau saya berkongsi kasih. Tak ade lah saya berdosa sangat nanti kalau saya tak ada masa nak uruskan suami. Pass aje dekat isteri lain...

Belum sempat pun kami berkahwin, dia bercinta dengan orang lain. Masa itu, barulah saya paham. Walaupun saya kata berkata pada diri saya, saya rela bermadu, tapi bila dah betul-betul terkena, memang sakit. Syukur juga, belum kahwin lagi kan...He chose her over me lagipun...

Betul kot pilihan dia. Perempuan tu baik. Tak salah apa pun. Saya ni je yang tak cukup bagus untuk ex-boyfriend saya. Tapi, sampai sekarang ni perempuan tu tak tahu apa yang pernah berlaku sewaktu dia syok bercinta dengan ex-boyfriend saya tu. Kawan saya suruh bagitau, saya tak mahu. Biarlah...Sudah bahagia...Saya tak mahu musnahkan.

Fast forward, I am now in love with my current boyfriend.

Entah macam mana, mentaliti dan prinsip yang saya pegang dulu (ie: tak apa jika suami berkahwin lagi) dah tiada. Mungkin sebab betul-betul sayang, sampai tak sanggup berkongsi.

Tapi sejujurnya, tak pulak saya pandang hina pada isteri-isteri lain, cuma kasihan pada isteri pertama, lebih-lebih lagi kalau tiada salah, tiada cacat cela.

Biarlah, it happens to other people, but not to us. Although I know, I cannot control this, who knows what future lies for us.

Tadi saya baca http://cintarahsia.blogspot.com/

Kisah isteri kedua.
Dulu pernah terjumpa satu blog isteri kedua, saya tak suka, saya tak ingat pun alamat blog dia.

Saya ni, kalau jenis baca blog, suke baca dari awal sampai akhir. Jadi, blog yang saya dah lupa pon alamat dia tu, saya memang tak setuju, bukan berdasarkan satu entry saja, tapi berdasarkan archive die yang saya baca semuanya.

Blog Puan Suri ni, saya tak ade lah bersetuju sepenuhnya. Ade juga part-part yang saya tak setuju.

Kadang-kadang bergenang air mata saya membaca blog itu. Terbayangkan diri jika berada dalam situasi yang sama, jika berlakunya suami saya kahwin lagi. (Oh, walaupun hakikatnya, saya masih belum berkahwin.)

Tapi, tak baik kutuk-kutuk, hina-hina orang...Takut terkena dekat batang hidung sendiri...Dan kadang-kadang, orang yang kita kutuk-kutuk dan hina-hina itu, lebih mulia dari kita kerana imannya.

Terus terang saya katakan, iman saya ni nipis. Solat lubang-lubang. Itu pun tak khusyuk. Tak tutup aurat, pergi clubbing, bergaul bebas. Jadi, mereka semuanya sememangnya lebih baik dari saya.

Hujah-hujah Puas Suri ada asas, contohnya, dalam Islam, tak ada isteri pertama, kedua, ketiga, keempat, yang ada cuma isteri-isteri. Itu saya setuju.

Tapi dia cakap,

"Lelaki yang dah berkahwin punya kestabilan yang lebih dari segi mental, emosi dan ekonomi. Mereka jugak lebih sabar melayan karenah wanita, berkat pengalaman melayan isteri. Haha.. Lagipun, biasanya lelaki yang baik-baik ni cepat je diambil orang, jadi suami orang, maka sebab mereka ini lelaki yang elok dan baik, wanita lain pun inginkan mereka."

Kadang-kadang, macam tak adil kan? Sebab, waktu suami susah-susah dulu, belum stabil, isterilah yang mula-mula tolong. Tapi bila dah senang, banyak pulak perempuan yang jatuh hati.

Kasihan.

Tak marah pun pada perempuan-perempuan yang jatuh hati pada suami orang. Biasalah, manusia, perempuan, mahukan seseorang yang boleh jaga dia, stabil. Saya pun paham juga...Tak hina pun...

Tapi kasihan....Macam saya cakap tadi, saya tak marah, tapi kasihan. Saya bayangkan saya si isteri, mesti terasa hati.

Saya bayangkan saya seorang anak, saya pun tak mahu ayah saya kahwin lain, ada anak dengan perempuan lain.

Tapi apa nak buat kalau benda nak jadi, jodoh, qada' dan qadar.

Lagi satu, cinta ni kan kena ade respons dari kedua-dua belah pihak. Jangan salahkan sebelah pihak saja...

Anyway...

Puan Suri ni isteri rahsia...

Kasihan kan?

Kasihan dua-dua.

Kasihan dekat isteri pertama, kasihan dekat isteri kedua.

Bayangkan, kalau isteri pertama tiba-tiba dapat tahu, mesti rasa tertipu. Suami bertopeng. Bercengkerama dengan orang lain. Mesti rasa rendah diri juga. Kenapa perlu seorang lagi? Kalau aku isteri yang baik, aku patut dah syak, dan boleh bau benda ni awal-awal!

(Tapi mungkin juga dia dah tahu tapi buat-buat tak tahu...Mulianya...Sakit tapi tahan sendiri, display a happy face pretending like it doesn't hurt, just so not to hurt anybody, especially yourself. Macam Puan Guile awal-awal dulu...Atau pun mungkin sebab masih in denial. Tak mahu percaya benda tu benar-benar berlaku.)

I think, benda-benda macam ni, memang better keep it low. I mean, things we don't know, won't hurt, kan?

Yang si isteri kedua pula, memang tak ade pilihan, kena live with the consequences. Dah tahu pun what lie ahead, tak boleh nak complaint lebih-lebih.

Tapi kan, kenapa mesti melukakan? Kadang-kadang saya rasa, kan lebih elok terseksa sendiri daripada menyeksakan orang lain.

Hahaha! Cakap senang! Love is selfish itself.

Contohnya, macam isu saya ni.

Ramai orang cakap, saya selalunya mementingkan orang lain lebih dari kepentingan diri sendiri. I agree so too.

And now, it is time for MY happiness, that's why I feel very strongly to marry my boyfriend. I deserve to be happy too...

Teringat cerita kawan. Seorang doktor yang BARU berkahwin melanjutkan pelajaran ke luar negara, meninggalkan isteri jururawat dan seorang anak yang masih kecil. Isteri tidak ikut berhijrah. Tak tahu kenapa...(Suami tak bagi, tak cukup duit, jaga anak, sebab kerjaya mungkin?)

Sudah habis belajar, suami pulang ke tanah air dengan seorang perempuan untuk dinikahi.

Sekali lagi saya kasihan.

Isteri yang setia menanti, membesarkan dan menjaga anak yang masih kecil itu, seorang diri, dengan harapan suaminya pulang dan hidup gembira, tapi suaminya pulang membawa seorang wanita lain yang jauh lebih hebat darinya.

Mesti terasa rendah diri...

Beliau memberi keizinan, suami dan wanita itu pun melangsungkan perkahwinan dengan meriah dan besar-besaran.

Perlu jadi wanita yang betul-betul tabah untuk hadapi semua itu kan...

Keluarga lelaki itu pula berbelah bahagi, tapi nak buat macam mana...Cara mereka deal with the situation? They distant themselves, mereka tak mahu memilih.

Kasihan si isteri pertama, keseorangan bersama anak yang masih kecil. Hubungan dengan keluarga suami pun jadi longgar. Mungkin masing-masing tak tahu macam mana nak deal dengan situation yang awkward ni.

Kadang-kadang, poligami ni complicated. Banyak perasaan yang perlu dijaga. Melibatkan orang lain juga. Jadi, kena fikir sebelum buat keputusan.

I laugh.

"So, how are things going on with you and your boyfriend?" a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in weeks, asked.

As usual, I smiled happily, "We are doing great! I already met his parents, and he met mine."

"Really?"

I nodded and lied, "Both visits went fine..."

I lied because he is not a bestfriend. Besides, my boyfriend wants me to keep things between us only. I too, think, this is a personal matter.

"So, the families are fine with you guys?" he asked.

"Yes. His parents like me. They are very nice..."

I hoped he would be satisfied with the answer and wouldn't go any specific, but he did. "What about your parents?"

"They are okay..." I am not sure whether I was in denial or was that the answer I would like things to be?.

"Because you know...I read your father's blog..." my friend kept his eyes on the road, he was driving.

Luckily, there were only the two of us in the car. I would die if he decided to discuss this in front of anybody else!

"Oh, yeah? Hmm...Yeah, that's how he feel about us, then..." My face was hot. I know father wrote about his disapproval in his blog, but I didn't know my friends are reading it!

They must have thought I am such an anak derhaka!

Could you understand how I feel? Father dooesn't talk to me but he writes in his blog for the whole world to know how I have disappointed him, how I hurt mother etc. Why can't he write anonymously like I do? Why must he publish the letters he sent to me in his blog?

Bullocks.

"I like reading his blog. I find it very interesting. I like the issues discussed in his blog," my friend probably wanted the conversation to be less awkward.

We were stopped at the traffic lights and I was still searching for the right words.
The long silence was broken by my friend, continuing asking, "So how?"

"Howwwww???" I repeated the question, more to myself.
"What do you want me to do? Stay saja lah in the relationship. Takkan you nak I break up? Like Girl and Boy?"

"Why did they break up actually?"

"Girl's parents don't like Boy. Boy thinks, what's the point of being in the relationship when they both know what's going to happen in the end. Girl's parents will not accept him. He doesn't like to be rejected by her parents, because he is an orphan himself, since he was a child. He wants to feel a parent's love. He couldn't achieve it if he was with Girl."

"That's a pity," my friend said. I somehow was glad the conversation steered away from my life.
To keep things less serious, I asked if he was able to introduce me to his friends. I was joking. I don't know whether he knew I was joking. I didn't care. At least he would think I am doing something to please my parents.

We were talking about something, when I laughed.

"How could you be laughing?"

"Habis tu...Takkan I nak nangis? Laughter. It's a tool to hide my real emotions," I answered honestly.

"It's a bad tool," he said.

Betul. Tapi, takkan nak suruh I nangis? I am not very expressive. That defines me.

I'm pretty sure he has told my other friends to read father's blog.

Because now, there is already another friend confessing that she reads father's blog. She even advised me to dump my boyfriend because she said parents are always right.

I wish to tell them, "You don't know my side of story yet. How could I tell you how mean my parents have been to my boyfriend? They are my parents."

I joke and change the topic instead, everytime.

My family.

When I read about other people's families, I envy them.

My family is rather a weird family. We don't talk much to each other. I only talk to my mother...And my sister...And we are not that intimate.

Looking at the surface, we would have potrayed a perfect family. Everything else is going great. Father never has scandals, siblings and I always do well in school, we are proper and well-behaved, we are financially stable too.

We just don't communicate.

I don't know why. There are may be several factors contibuting to this:

- The big age gap between the the older two siblings with the younger two siblings.

- Brother was sent to a boarding school since he was 13 and studied abroad as well. He has always been so distant.

- Brother and I had a fight when I was 13 or 14. Prior to that, we were close and I liked him because he was brotherly. But I was rude to my mother, ran to my room, he chased after me a few moments later to teach me a lesson. He said awful and mean things to me and I stopped talking to him after that.

- Sister has always been so shy and so quiet. Her voice is so soft, almost mute. She only talks when she needs to or cries. She doesn't have many friends but she is pretty. Even though she is quiet and shy, there are always guys approaching her. I think, that balances things for her. Imagine if she was flirty! Err...Too many broken hearts...

- Father is a fierce person. When I was small, I heard stories about how he treated the older two siblings when they misbehaved or did not do well in school. Mother said my younger sibling and I are lucky because by the time we were born, father was no longer as temperemental as before. No, we were never abused physically nor mentally. Father just would be furious and scolded us if the grades were not As. The worst would be the rotan. But, if we did well, we would be treated a nice holiday together!

I don't know what went wrong. Everything was fine when I was young. I don't know what make us stop talking. Probably I was a rebellious teenager but never recover from it. But what about my other family members?

Mother is like the medium in the family. The way we communicate to each other is through her. I couldn't imagine our lives would be like without her. Too awkward.

Although most of the time we are under the same roof, we could go days without talking. The house would be too quiet. Sometimes, it would be a little bit livelier with the presence of my brother's only child. But she is becoming a teenager soon and there seems like an infertility problem running in the family.

To conclude, the only persons who talk to everybody are mother and my brother's child.

I thought, after we welcomed in-laws into our families, things would improve. I was wrong.

Sometimes, I wonder how things would be like in 10, 20 years time. What will we talk about? By then, everybody certainly would have led our own lives. We can't be in silence like this if we want to keep the the family ties strong!

That's why, it is my dream to marry a person who is friendly and talkative and well-liked by my family. He must come from a joyous family too, because I want to be a part of that. It is tough since my parents are having a difficult to accept my boyfriend.

In my family, we don't talk about personal stuff. Everything is very basic. The most talked about topics are our careers and educations. When I was young, the only things father would ask me were, "Bila exam?" "Results macam mana?" "Pergi study" End of conversation.

Father tries to bind us together though. We sometimes have family dinners but we usually end up 'buat hal masing-masing' and eat quietly. It's pathetic. We do most things together, actually. We just don't talk! For example, if one of us is going overseas, everybody would be at the airport to bid our farewells. Since father is punctual, we leave the house early and wait at the airport for hours before boarding. Within that time, we don't talk. We don't talk in the car. We don't talk during hari raya, we don't talk. Father and mother talk to each other all the time, but we, the offsprings, seldom get involved in their conversations. We listen. We talk when we are asked, when are expected to talk.

If I were to call home, I always ask for mother, even if father answered the phone. I just don't know how to talk to father.

That's why, when father is against my relationship, I am upset because I feel like he doesn't know me, he never talks to me about anything else, how come out of a sudden he has something to say about my boyfriend!

One time, I was so mad, I sent an SMS to mother expressing my unsatisfaction after a domestic quarrel with them, I said, "Father never talks to me before. And just now he had something to say to me, he yelled at me."

According to them, I am the most difficult child to dealt with because I couldn't tolerate is when somebody is rough with me. I would either break down or fight back, thus it is hard for them to get the message across. I guess, father has gotten too used with his military style approach. So, as I am now older, our mode of communications are via the SMSes, written letters and e-mails. And we live under the same roof.

Although I am quiet at home, I am very talkative among my friends. This annoys my parents sometimes. I couldn't help it.

Aidilfitri.

We shake and kiss hands. Then eat separately and watch TV separately. Apparently, we have enough TVs, telephones, computers, you name it, to cater for our separate needs.

Not that I don't love them, and I am sure they love us too (my parents only recently started to tell me they love me in SMSes, letters or e-mails, technologies do miracles!) but we are not trained to be affectionate.

I vow to change this in my future family.

I am ashamed to admit about my family situation to my friends, but I think they could feel the vibe.

Up until now, I only know one other person whose family is similar to mine.

We are not normal, aren't we?

Why?

Saya tahu, tak patut saya mengeluh. Tak patut saya bertanya, "Kenapa saya? Kenapa susah?"

Tapi saya terpaksa luahkan juga! Dah tak ada tempat lain lagi...

Nak buat benda baik pun susah ke?

Orang lain susah jugak? Susah macam mana? Saya tak tahu pun. Betul? Tak tipu? Kalau macam tu, ceritakan pada saya. Saya perlu tahu. Bagi saya harapan.
Saya perlu tahu kesusahan begini adalah biasa, normal.
Semua orang pun melaluinya.

It's not that simple.

I don't have anyone to talk to.

Except my boyfriend. But that's different.

I need another point of view.

An advice. Hope.

Kadang-kadang, saya rasa tidak adil. Everything else is going very fine with us. We hardly argue about anything, he is very understanding and very mature. He is financially stable and he comes from a good family. The most important thing is, he could guide me in life.

Kan dah cukup semua tu: Berharta, berketurunan baik, cantik, beragama, sihat tubuh badan, bertanggungjawab, berakhlak mulia, sekufu.

Orang lain yang banyak perangai, senang-senang pula dapat kahwin. Contohnya, yang kaki ganja, kaki penipu, yang nak kahwin lagi satu...Tapi kenapa kami ni pula yang banyak cabaran?

Tapi, kenapa mother and father masih tak bagi?

Faktor yang mother and father bagi tu irrelevant! And I think you said it just because you have to, because there is no other reason you could give to forbid me from marrying him, kan? Ada fakta yang salah, tapi kenapa mother and father tak mahu percaya benda yang betul? Kenapa tak mahu dengar penerangan kami? Kenapa tak mahu terima kebenaran?

Dari mana sebenarnya mother and father dengar cerita-cerita tipu pasal dia? Tak betul...Nak kami buktikan macam mana lagi?

I didn't ask to fall in love with him. But it happened. If I didn't meet him, I could stay single effortlessly, I wouldn't want to rush for a wedding. But I've met him. It's fated, I've met him.
My love for him is growing. Don't you know how it feels like when you just know that he is the right one for you? How you want so much for him to become a family, a partner, a husband, and a father to your children?

Father and mother ingat senang nak cari lelaki yang jaga solat? Puasa penuh? Tahu hukum-hakam? Merokok pun tidak!
Saya ni pun bukannya elok sangat. For me to have somebody like him who is willing to marry me, genuinely, is like, bulan jatuh ke riba.

He may not have a professional career, but he is good in what he is doing and he has a degree. Dia bukan budak bodoh.

Degree macam mana lagi yang mother and father would allow?

Sampai hati mother and father fitnah dia macam-macam. Although, things are not said directly to him, but the things I hear hurt me.

Everytime I try to tell good things about him, about his success, being abroad expanding his horizons, anything, mother and father always have negative remarks after that.

Paling sakit hati bila mother and father cakap dia ke luar negara mengedar dadah.
Atau ke luar negara untuk berdakwah, maka jika saya kahwini dia, saya akan ditinggalkan berbulan-bulan.
Atau sebab dia lari dari hutang.
Atau dia cuma ada sijil SPM saja.
Atau dia sudah pun beristeri lain.

Ape ni...Merepek betul!

Mother and father betul-betul mahu dia tunjuk sijil ijazah ke?
Kalau sudah beristeri lain, masakan dia bawa saya jumpa ibu bapanya, jumpa saudara maranya, jumpa rakan-rakannya.
Dan, orang yang sudah beristeri selalunya pandai mencairkan orang tua...Putar belit kata-kata...

And stop ridicule him everytime you meet him! He is a noble person and he treats me really good. Why can't you see that?

-Pasti ada hikmah-

Still thinking.

"Kenapa mesti takut Allah? Kita sepatutnya sayang Allah. Dan takut jika kita tidak lagi disayangi Allah, takut dengan balasan Allah."

Something I sometimes ponder upon when I was about to sleep, while thinking about my life.

"Nasi Lemak Buah Bidara
Daun Selasih Hamba Lurutkan
Buang Emak, Buang Saudara
Kerana Kasih, Hamba Turutkan."

I never intend to choose between my family and my boyfriend. Call me greedy, but I want them both. I insist to believe, I deserve both of them!

During my younger days, I told myself to never compromise my love towards my parents.

"So, you would leave the man you love, and marry the person you parents choose? How could you live with someone you don't love for the rest of your life?" my friend asked.

At that time, I thought, it would be easy. I would teach myself to love him. If I can't, I would live without love, I thought I could.

"You always put other people ahead of you," my friend told me. What was so bad about sacrificing my happiness for others? They are my parents, two people who make sure I live comfortably all this while. I thought, the decision of choosing between family and boyfriend, should never be an issue. I thought I didn't even have to think about it, I knew the priority would be given to my family.

Obviously, I was not yet this much in love.

Now, I understand how difficult it is to lose somebody you love. Now, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with somebody else other than my boyfriend. Me and another guy living together? No way, I could never be the loving and caring wife. I would probably constantly finding his faults, comparing him to my current boyfriend. I'd rather live alone. At least until I get over my boyfriend, which I don't know whether it is possible or not.

The decision whether to marry my boyfriend without my parents' consent or not, is the biggest, most difficult decision ever I have to make. I have to be aware of the impacts and be prepared to face the consequences.

Follow my heart? I don't want to blindly follow my heart, I have to use my head as well. Marriage is a big thing, I am weighing the pros and cons so I wouldn't make a stupid decision.

However, everytime I am thinking about it, I'd be riding an emotional roller-coster which is sickening and tiring, and it seems like it is never-ending.

Right now, the only thing I could be sure of is to let my boyfriend find out about the marriage procedures. In the meantime, I hope Allah will show me the correct path.

Fear.

According to plan, we should be married in several months. I did solat istikharah a couple of times already, but I haven't dreamt anything solid yet.

Why is it so hard for us to get married? My boyfriend said, other people might get married easily, but they might face problems later on. We should be grateful, because if we could overcome this test, insyaAllah, everthing else would be much smoother in the future. I want to believe him. I think he is right.

So, in a few months, we'll get married and it'll be our secret for two years. We are sure by that time, my parents would have been too tired to separate us and they'd give in and allow us to be together. Then, we'd get married all over again and pretend like we are virgins. We just have to be patient.

Patience.

"Sayang, parents are correct in most things, but not everything," he said.

We decide to get married because it is better to make it halal than going on like this. We want the Almighty's berkat. I think 'bercinta' unofficially is a burden. I feel guilty all over, like I've sinned.

"Are you sure this is the best thing to do?" I asked.

"Why is getting married so bad? Kan Allah suka orang yang berkahwin, kita bukan nak buat benda jahat. Lebih baik kita bercinta, dapat berkat dan pahala, daripada bercinta macam ni, kumpul dosa. We've been together for one year, berapa lama lagi kena bercinta macam ni...You've known me enough, you've met my parents, my families, my friends, everything is settled on my side. I want to love you, to take care of you, to be with you when you need me, but I can't if I am not married to you. Nak kumpul dosa sampai bila?" my boyfriend tried to convince me.

True, but the only thing that makes me a bit reluctant is the fear if my parents ever find out about our secret.

Hmm...

The good marry young?

The doctor (Rossi) didn't win the game. Casey Stoner, the champion, is 21 years young, rich and married. How come people are getting married so young these days?

I asked my boyfriend, "Are you hurt?"
He denied it, but I know, deep inside, he is hurt.
Father said him being with me is not 'sekufu'.
All I could say was, "Sorry, sayang..."

Then, he promised, he will do whatever it takes to wed me.

I admire his maturity, passion, patience and determination.

I love you too.

My match.

My friend just broke up with her boyfriend. Her parents want her to find somebody 'better'.

She briefly poured her heart to me.

She said, "My parents can be very mean. I know if I marry him, he will be hurt. I know my father, he would say awful things to him. He would intentionally humiliate him in front of his friends, my uncles and aunties. I think it is better this way."

My friend was very sad.

"My father could be very mean too. I think he is meaner than your dad," I smiled, trying to lighten things up for her. "Did you know he once threatened my boyfriend?"

My friend gasped. I couldn't tell her the details. I could not 'membuka pekung di dada'.

That day, I was out with my boyfriend, and my parents kept pestering me to come home.
Father said on the phone, "Come home this instance! Or I'll call him and curse him!"
Father did call and curse my boyfriend.
I was embarassed and I was sorry for my boyfriend. But my boyfriend was very calm and patient.

"I am sorry. I didn't know it was that bad," my friend said to me.
I hid my sadness behind my smile. I controlled myself not to let the tears fall.

Yes, nobody knows the real situation is ugly.

"Emma's parents are against her relationship with her boyfriend too," my friend said.

"Why?" I asked. "Because he is a police officer, that's why," she said.

"What's wrong with our parents?" I sighed.

Because of our profession, it seems like no man is good enough for us. This is so unfair.

I understand, they only want the best for us, but how could they look down at other people. How could they be judgemental and say that these men are no match for us. Then who are?

Do they think it is easy to score an eligible bachelor with a pleasant attitude? How many Malaysian guys out there, who in this range of age, are truly successful? Most of them are taken anyway! And why oh why, a police officer, is not considered successful? What kind of successful men do our parents want for us really?!

I value the heart, how a man would love and treat me, rather than what career he is having or how smart he is.

I just want to be comfortable and happy in my life.

Happy.

My ex-boyfriend replied my e-mail stating:

- He holds no grudge against me
- He bought a new car
- His wife drives his old car
- He gets two months bonus this year
- His wife just got transferred so they are no longer living separately
- There is still no sign of his wife getting pregnant

I told my boyfriend about his e-mail.

Bf: Why is he telling you about his new car?
Me: I don't know.
Bf: Eleh, setakat kereta tu pun nak bagitau ke? Kereta I lagi hebat...
Me: Memang pun...
Bf: And why is he telling you about the bonus?
Me: Mana I tahu!
Bf: Dah setahun kahwin tak ada anak lagi?
Me: Well...Diorang kan jauh...Lepas ni pregnant la tu...
Bf: You jangan nak contact-contact dia lagi...I risau ni...
Me: I tak reply pun e-mail dia...
Bf: Nanti kita kahwin, you bagitau dia okay...I really, really love you. You jangan buat I jealous.
Me: I love you too. You jangan risau okay...Dia kan suami orang, I pun dah nak kahwin dengan you...You lagi best! I nak you je, tanak dia...

I feel so relieved after I read his e-mail. Why?

Because I don't feel anything! I don't feel sad that he is not mine. I don't imagine how my life would be like if he was with me. I don't feel excited to reply his e-mail.

Now I know for sure that I've moved on!

I am happy because of that. Really, really happy! Happy that I have found someone that I am happy with.

I am going to reply his e-mail next week or the week after. I don't want to become the third party, just in case.

P/S: My boyfriend does not know I initiated the contact. Don't tell him. He probably doesn't understand why I need this assurance.

The first love.

Okay, my Sunday is wasted by staring at my laptop for the whole day and reading blogs.

And I am writing the third entry for today!

I sent an e-mail to my ex-boyfriend. Because I read somewhere that it is a sin to memutuskan silaturrahim.
We broke up in 2002 and stayed friends until last year. My heart broke into pieces when he announced that he was getting married. I was so hurt, I requested for him to stop contacting me ever again.

Why DID I still have feelings for him? He was well-liked by everybody. My parents adored him. I wanted us to separate because I DID NOT believe the relationship could withstand the distance. He disagreed. But, one day, he said it was time to let me go.

Within a year after the break up, I still felt like I was his girl. We were mushy to each other. I was happy. Despite the distance, our love rekindled, or so I thought.

One day, he came to my house and we went out. I thought it was a date. I thought he would ask me to get back together.

While he was driving, I took his mobile phone and read his messages. I read a few messages from the same number. The number was familiar. The number was very similar to his.

My mind was running wild. This must be his special girl. Couples usually have similar numbers!

Although I was sad, I didn't let the messages bother me. I went with the flow. I stayed positive, there must be a good reason for those SMSes, I was trying to convonce myself. We kissed. He must still have feelings for me. I even gave him a hand-job! That was my first time doing it. I thought I was winning his heart. How naive I was...

He sent me home. I was unsatisfied because he didn't say anything about us getting back together even though he kissed me and all. I called HER number. I didn't talk to her. I didn't have the courage. But I did try to call her a few times that night.

Then, he called me. He said I had been calling her number. Correct! He was mad, he didn't allow me to call her again.

I was mad at first. I demanded an explaination. I thought he was single all along. For one year I had been fooled. And to think that I just had given him a hand job made feel more disgusted about myself. Not him. I loved him too much.

I was such a fool.

I cried so much that night. I am crying now because I was so hurt. How could he not tell me about this other woman? And apparently, his new girlfriend never know about my existance either. I really thought he would choose me over her.

I felt so unpretty, so dirty, so unwanted. It was pathetic. I almost begged for him to choose me. Never in my life before, I was so much in pain, like the one he caused me.

I acted like a crazy woman. I cursed him and hoped he will rot in hell. There was nothing he could do to console me. I felt so cheated. I felt used. He used me.

I never say this to him, but I wish I said, "You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me. You said you wanted my baby. How could you? You said you were madly in love with me! Me! You even gave me a ring and proposed to me!"

For the next two weeks, I felt so alone. I didn't tell anybody because I was ashamed. All my friends thought I was completely over him, so, what would I tell them about how furious I was when he decided I was not his The One.

I told myself that I am better off without him.

He said he was sorry and hoped we still could be friends. We were friends even though I hate him so much.

I couldn't take it anymore when he said he was getting married. That's why I ended it.

I wondered and pondered about him every now and then. My new-found love is way much better than him, and I hope he would be jealous of us (even though we haven't reached our happy ending YET).

Sometimes, I become so bitter, I hope their marriage doesn't work out. But, I quickly realize, as much as I want my ex-boyfriend to be miserable, I don't want his wife to suffer. I believe she is a good person. She is probably the right person for my ex-boyfriend because she might have changed my ex-boyfriend to become a better person. I hope my ex-boyfriend will stay loyal to her, no more cheating.

I never reveal to his wife about what he had done to her and to me. I opt to not interfere.

The e-mail I sent to him just now was just to let him know that I am sorry for breaking our so-called friendship. I hope he forgives me and we could be friends again.

Just friends.

forgiveness

Because things were so tensed at home, mother and father decided to write two letters to me.

It is probably the best thing to do, since we would end up shouting if we communicate verbally anyway. This is why I avoid talking to them about the matter. I guess they were trying to reach me because they felt bad and guilty seeing me so hurt.

I didn't read the letters. Until one week later.

I can't remember exactly the content of each letter, but what I know is, I couldn't read them one more time. The facts are wrong. I cried to sleep after reading father's accusations.

Father means well, but he doesn't want me to get involved with someone who, in his eyes, is not my match.
So wrong.

Mother, on the other hand, in the letter said, she doesn't mind if I continue being 'friends' with him as long as I don't take things seriously.

However, I am a bit glad when she said, "Mak sedar yang mak selalu marahi kamu tapi itu bukannya mak tak sayang kamu. Maafkan mak ya..."
Mother realizes the mean things she had said to me and she apologoizes!

I forgive you.

Please forgive me too.

i need to tell him but i can't! at least, not yet. but when?

Dear boyfriend,

I am sorry. I love you sooo much. So, so much. But sometimes, in this life, we cannot get the things/ persons we love. I hope you know, how devastated I am, how broken my heart is. I cannot marry you. Mother said she will never forgive me if I marry you.

With lots of love,
ectopy
*sobbing uncontrollably*

In between

I do not know whether to continue with the plan.

Do I really want a secret marriage, or do I need to wait until I get my parents' approvals?

I want to be married, I'll carry less burden religiously. But, I have to put myself in parents' shoes and think how would they feel if they ever find out about this.

I do not want to be a bad daughter, I know they have raised me well, is this what I want to do to return the favours?

Am I being selfish?

But my parents are selfish too. They don't have a concrete reason to not like my boyfriend. Everything about him is wrong in their eyes; the look, the car, the job, the list is endless!

Everytime I demand an explaination, we end up in a big fight, and I cannot find the root of the problem. Until, one day, I accidentally found out the main problem is where he comes from. That's discrimation. It is just a place, like the rest of the world, the place he is from DOES NOT affect the way he is going to treat me. He is a good a person, and I don't understand why my parents cannot see that.

If I go with the plan, I will be married to my boyfriend, and in the meantime, he will try his best to win my parents' hearts.

I hope one day my parents will accept him and we could be OFFICIALLY married.

My parents are so hypocrite.
In front of him, they act okay and treat him well. But behind him, they would make faces and tell me how they despise my boyfriend.

Poor my boyfriend, everytime after he meets my parents, he would be all happy and positive, "They are okay with me! We had a nice conversation just now," he'd say, putting his hope high.

Sometimes, my parents ridicule him and being sarcastic to my boyfriend.

My parents have said really, really mean things about my boyfriend.

I am so hurt and I am in between. My instinct tells me my parents are wrong about him, but they are my parents.

It is just so wrong for my parents to hate him so much, but his parents love me so much.

I am tired of crying.

My ex-boyfriend, left me for someone better, and is now married to her.

My boyfriend always remind me that: You are a good person. God will pair you up with a good person too. Tuhan dah cakap kan...

My ex-boyfriend told me he never touched his then girlfriend because his girlfriend doesn't allow him. I conclude, she must be a really, really good person.

Now that she is married to my ex-boyfriend, doesn't that make him a good person too?

(God pairs a good person with another good person.)

So, if he is a good person, but he doesn't end up with me, I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me, I must be not good afterall!

Thinking about my ex-boyfriend is depressing. Our relationship ended in a horrible way, but we stayed friends until the day his wedding invitation arrived.

Even though I hate him, I also despise him for not choosing me over his new woman. It is the ego in me, I guess.

After much thinking, I decide that I should not be hating my ex-boyfriend. Whatever happened, is really not his fault, isn't it? Because she is his jodoh, and jodoh is fixed by God. Why should I blame him for causing this heartache, when God has planned everything for us?

But, is it fair? Is it fair to play with people's hearts, and when things don't work out, all you say is, "Tak ade jodoh..." Are you not guilty?

And why am I not good?