Property.

I pestered my boyfriend to buy a house. I don't mind living in an apartment even, I just think somebody who is serious to get married has to have all the necessities ready. You are not being responsible if you are not prepared to take care of your spouse.

My boyfriend said he has a land. I said, a land is not enough. We need a house, somewehere to move into, a house to start a new life as husband and wife.We are not going to live with my parents. Not yet. We will live with my parents when they are too old to take care of themselves. It's crazy to live with my parents when they don't like my boyfriend in the first place!

We argued.

He said he wanted to buy a house, he already paid the deposit, but the contract was violated and he cannot sue him. It's not that easy. Yes, I do understand. But that doesn't mean the house hunting should stop. I know it's difficult to buy a suitable house now in KL/ Selangor.

I was guilty because I proceeded to say mean things to him.
I didn't mean to hurt him. I was just trying to advise him, trying to put some senses into his head, but I guess I was too harsh and too insensitive.

I said, why didn't he think about buying a house when he was much younger. We wouldn't be facing this problem when everything has been settled early. He said he didn't have a girlfriend that time and was only having the time of his life, being single and no commitment. That's why he didn't buy any property.

I was mad, so I told him, when my pilot friend was 21, he already bought a condo with his own money. (I was poor when I was 21 because I was still studying) Now, where the hell should we buy a house, Putrajaya is an okay place, but it's far and the schools are new. I want to live in a place where good schools are near for my children. Damansara is expensive and most of them are condominiums. I want to live in a Semi-D, at least. I scolded him for being ignorant when he was younger.

He defended himself by saying he never planned to move out from his hometown. By this time, I raised my voice, a smart person will buy properties in KL/ Selangor to let them. How can he not have a thinking like this? I am younger than him, and I a woman, even I know how to play the market! House properties increase in price over time. My boyfriend is more interested to spend money on big cars. I told him, cars don't generate money and they don't last long. There will always be a newer car model, just like mobile phones.

I think his ego was challenged by this, he said, "I don't do bank loans. You know me, I don't do loans!" I told him that there's nothing wrong in loans, people do it all the time, it's normal. He then said, no, loans are for people who don't have their own money. I said, fine, then go buy a decent house by cash, if you insist! Where are all your cash? You've spent it on your cars and motorbikes, didn't you? And you go shopping buying expensice clothes. Now, tell me, can we take shelter in your shoes? Sarcasm.

That's what I am doing now, I working my ass off to satisfy you and your parents, he said. "Since when you become so materialistic like this?" he continued saying. I know things would get worse if I didn't shut up, so I was in silence. I let him talk: You don't know how much money I've spent to get these projects. Sakit kepala pikir perangai orang macam-macam, kena tipu lagi...You tengok I kerja macam senang, tapi you tak tahu I......

I let him talk what he feels:

Look, that's why I want to marry you okay? I feel so wrong to burden you with my problems, I don't want to interrupt your work, I know you have your own problems too. Besides, if we are married, I am more comfortable to tell you about my work, about money, about everything. At least, when I go to bed, I have you by my side. Right now, all I could do is sakit kepala before I sleep. Talking to you is always relieving, but I still have to limit what I could tell you. I don't want to talk money with you. I don't want you to think I am like that. Rezeki bila-bila masa Tuhan boleh bagi, boleh hilang. I work hard to have you. You know I will fight to win you. Right now, I need to know you will always stand by me.
I will buy a house for us. Can you please be patient?

*********************

So, anyway, what annoys me the most is the part when he didn't save money when he was younger. When we were 21, my male friends were starting to save money from our monthly allowence just in case, and they didn't even have girlfriends back then!

Am I being materialistic to request for a house?

It's called survival instinct! Every human has it! Except for some men...Because some of them are not human enough!

Jangan menghina dan selalulah bersyukur.

Saya suka dengan tulisan orang ini tentang perhimpuan gelombang kuning baru-baru ini.

Saya mahu negara saya aman damai.
Saya sedih melihat negara saya huru hara.

Ramai yang berkumpul untuk suka-suka.
Ramai juga yang berkumpul membawa kanak-kanak.
Ramai yang berhimpun mahu menegakkan keadilan.
Tapi berapa yang berhimpun untuk di masjid untuk menunaikan sesuatu yang wajib?
Ramai yang menjerit-jerit.
Tapi berapa yang berdoa?

Ramai yang benci polis.
Sila jangan benci polis.
Polis hanya menjalankan tugas.
Tapi jangan kata mereka anjing yang mengikut kata.
Jangan hina mereka.

Polis juga manusia.

Tidak semua orang sehebat kamu, para jurutera, para peguam, para profesional sekalian.
Kamu mampu belajar tinggi-tinggi kerana kamu dikurniakan minda yang cerdas.
Kamu mampu belajar tinggi-tinggi kerana kamu punya wang untuk ke kelas tambahan supaya dapat bantu kamu dapat keputusan yang cemerlang.
Kamu mampu belajar tinggi-tinggi kerana kamu datang dari keluarga yang sentiasa mendorong kamu untuk berjaya.

Tidak semua orang bertuah seperti kamu.
Jadi jangan hina orang lain jika kamu tak pernah merasai kesusahan orang lain, paling tidak, cuba untuk memahami kesusahan orang lain.

Kamu berjaya sekarang ni pun, entah-entah sebab bapa kamu dapat tender-tender sebab berbaik-baik dengan menteri, kan?

Jangan hina orang lain, nanti terkena batang hidung sendiri.

Jangan ajar budak-budak untuk hina orang lain.
Bayangkan perasaan anak-anak polis apabila mereka mendapat tahu bahawa ramai orang benci ayah dan/ atau ibu mereka kerana polis jahat.
Jika polis jahat, tentulah generasi akan datang tidak bercita-cita hendak jadi polis.

Jadi, siapa mahu jadi polis?

Ramai orang tidak bersyukur dengan kedudukan mereka.
Ramai orang marah-marah bila harga tol naik, harga minyak naik, harga tepung naik, harga bil air naik.
Kerajaan pula guna duit rakyat menghantar orang pergi ke angkasa, memang tak patut!

Tapi, kenapa masih ramai orang sanggup beli rokok yang mahal?
Kenapa masih ramai orang sanggup beli arak yang mahal?

Kadang-kadang kita terlupa bahawa ada sesetengah rakyat di benua Afrika yang kebuluran.
Ada sesetengah rakyat negara China yang bekerja siang malam di kilang-kilang tapi diberi gaji yang terlalu sedikit semata-mata kita mahukan barang yang murah!

Kamu tidak rasa syukur dengan kos perubatan yang begitu rendah di negara ini?
Begitu rendah sehinggakan gaji para doktor yang kekurangan pun tidaklah setinggi mana.
Kalau ikut logik, bila produk berkurangan, demand tinggi, harga patut melambung!

Manusia kalau tak bersyukur, memang tak pernah puas.

Kalau tak tahu bersyukur, Tuhan pun tak hendak tolong.

Islam pula menyarankan kita untuk berwasatiah.
Wasatiah itu maksudnya berpada-pada.
Jadi janganlah fanatik terhadap sesuatu parti atau ideologi (tidak kira samada sayap kanan atau kira), berpada-padalah...

Ramai cakap Pak Lah suka tidur.
Jangan hina orang lain.
Kamu pernah jadi Perdana Menteri?
Kamu berbual-bual di mamak sampai lewat malam, bila pagi menjelma, kamu mengantuk, kamu tidur.
Kamu pernah fikir, mungkin Perdana Menteri penat memikirkan masalah negara?
Kamu tahu berapa jam Pak Lah tidur setiap hari?
Kalau tak tahu, jangan hina orang lain.
Cuba bayangkan, kamu seorang lelaki 60 tahun.
Cergas lagikah kamu? Masih energetik?

Hormatilah beliau kerana beliau pemimpin kamu.
Jika kamu sendiri tak hormat pada pemimpin sendiri, siapa lagi?
Sekurang-kurangnya, hormatilah beliau sebagai orang yang lebih tua, lebih 'wise' dari kamu.

Jika kamu rasa you could do a better job than him, why don't you join the election and compete to become the next Prime Minister

Sekadar nak mengingatkan jangan menghina orang lain.
Jangan banyak merungut, jangan kuat complaint, jangan kuat whining, banyakkan bersyukur.

Kalau nak mengubah dengan cara yang berkesan, perlu ada etika. Tunjukkan teladan yang baik. Jangan jadi jahiliah.

Ingatlah wahai pembaca sekalian.

A small, black dot on a piece of white paper.

What do you see?
You say, "A small, black dot!"
I say, "What about the rest of the white paper? Don't you see it?"

Manusia memang mudah nampak yang negatif walaupun kecil.
Tapi perkara-perkara positif yang banyak-banyak susah nak lihat, kan?

Sekarang tak apa, negara masih selamat (agaknya), masing-masing ada pendapat sendiri.
Saya cuma berharap, kalau ada tentangan dari musuh luar, kita warganegara mesti bersatu padu. Lupakan sengketa lama OK?

Lelaki kampung.

When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I used to ignore him a lot. Friends always come first. So, everytime I was with my friends, it would take a very long time for me to reply his SMSes. Also, whenever he called, I would turn on my cold shoulders on him and ended our conversation fast.

Not that I didn't love him, I. Just. Don't. Know.

So, because it would take me so long to reply his SMSes, he would worry and started to give me 'Missed Calls'. I hate this part the most because it was so embarassing to receive 'Missed Calls' from a grown up! Not just once, but many until I finally had to give him a reply!
I understood his situation though, he was still a student and he never asked money from his parents. He needed to save money. He even worked part-time to support himself.

Jadi, tak payahlah call terus kan? Risau sangat...

I did explain to him that whenever I was with my friends, I would be extra excited to gossip and I couldn't afford to spare my time just to reply his unimportant SMSes like, "Dah makan?" or "Sihat?"

I was a bad, bad girlfriend.

Tetapi,
The most annoying part is when I sulked after we had an argument, and he still dared to give me 'Missed Calls' as a way to make up to me!

We broke up years ago.

Before we ended our relationship, we were separated by distance. I didn't believe in long-distance relationship. Why? Because I know long-distance relationship won't work WITH HIM.

All we did was sending SMSes to each other. I was the one who always had to call. He called me once in a blue moon, and most of the time he called me from a public phone!
I missed him so much but calling from a public phone wasn't so private (duh!) and we couldn't be all mushy and stuff.
He had limited coins in his hands, so I couldn't talk to him as long as I wanted.
Before I even finished the things I wanted to say to him, there would be 'beep' sounds indicating he was running out of money and we had to hang up abruptly!

At first, my ex-boyfriend didn't want to let me go. (Ada pulak tak jadi break up sebab one party disagrees?) I lied to him that I didn't reply his SMSes because I was at a club because I know he hates girls who go clubbing. Berdosa. One day, he suddenly said okay. I soon found out he said okay after he found a replacement. Bodoh!

My ex-boyfriend was not stingy at all, he was just not well-off.
He always tried to be romantic but ended up a little bit silly. Like the time he bought me plastic blue flowers! Or like the time he went to a funfair in his hometown and gave me this weird, small bunny (or at least I thought it was a bunny). Or the time he went to Pulau Pangkor and my souvenir was this cheap keychain!

I don't hate him because of his financial status, I hate him because he was a cheater. I remember I was feeling depressed and angry, I told my friends what a cheapskate he was, he who didn't appreciate all the money I spent on him. Babi!

Coincidentally, my two other friends just broke up with their boyfriends too, and we totally bashed on them, saying nasty things like, "Jangan harap aku nak cari lelaki miskin lagi, tak guna!"

One of my friends even sent money all the way from the UK to her boyfriend. He treated her so bad, I am glad she left him. But of course, she was depressed for a weeks and decided to splurge in Paris.
Another friend loved and called her boyfriend almost everyday when she was in the UK but he left her just because she refused to live with him in Kedah. He also had a problem with my friend being the daughter of a Datuk.

We were so hurt and sad and angry, we swore not to fall in love with a poor, inferior, kampung boy ever again!

Fast forward, all the three of us love our NEW, not so poor, confident, kampung boys. Haha!

Panic attack.

So much is going on with my mind right now.

I am scared seeing couples who were married last year, or last two years but are now divorced.

They don't have children yet, perhaps that's why it is so easy to walk out on each other?

But isn't it too early?
On the other hand, isn't ending it now better than dragging it until it is too late?

They have known and loved each other for years, 5 years at least, before tying the knot.
Now it all means nothing.

My boyfriend and I? Are we strong enough?

I am frightened to see how some people lie too.

"Hello, I am single, and those are not my children, I don't know them. In fact, I have never seen them in my life."

"I swear, in the name of God!"

What my boyfriend tells to comfort me may have some truth in it afterall.
"Biar susah sekarang, tapi nanti kita bahagia, okay?"

I am a Muslim.

"Abang, I feel like dancing. I wanna go clubbing," I said.
"Kenapa tiba-tiba?"
"Entah...Mengidam pula tonight," I chuckled. "Can you imagine if I were pregnant and suddenly I wanted to go clubbing? Maklumlah...Dah mengidam..."
"Ye la tu! You duduk rumah, baca Quran!"
"I tahulah...Nanti besar, anak dalam perut jadi kaki clubbing," I said followed by a pause, before I continued to say, "Eleh...You tak bagi I selalu clubbing, but when you were my age, you lagi banyak clubbing dari I!"
"I lain...I entertain orang..."
"Jangan nak tipu....You tak pernah entertain orang dekat clubs...You clubbing suka-suka you je!"
"Haha! You know me too well..."

When I was in primary school, I only wore baju kurung on Fridays.
Since little, I was told, "Disco itu haram. Rumah syaitan".

In Standard 4, I started to wear more baju kurung than pinafores. Peer pressures. More and more friends were wearing baju kurung instead of pinafores. Besides, I was still not lady-like. One teacher scolded me for not sitting properly and let everybody see my panties. Budak lagi katakan...

I remember I had a talk with a friend of mine, "Bila nak pakai tudung?" We agreed to start wearing tudung after we finish school.

In standard 6, I wore the tudung after an ustazah brain-washed us. My friends started to cover their heads. Again, peer pressures. Mother was surprised but didn't object. I still remember, in my class, there were only 5 hijab-less girls. (My classmates were all Muslims).
This is the time when most children, or shall I say, adolescents try to develop their own identities. They want to think and decide for themselves. They want to be accepted.
I only wore tudung to school.
One day, I decided not to wear skirts outside of the house.
I remember looking at my red skirt and put it on one side, the side of 'clothes to be worn at home only'. Saya sudah besar...I thought to myself.

At 13, mother wanted to buy pinafores for me but I protested.
"You want to wear tudung to school? Your cousin is 17 and she still wears pinafores! Mengada-ngadalah kamu ni," mother said.
I was a late bloomer. My period didn't come yet and I remember how happy I was to think, "Saya tak berdosa kalau tak sembahyang. Saya kan belum baligh!"

At 14, I wanted to wear tudung permanently because one my bestfriends just decided to wear it full-time.
Mother said, "Suka hati kamulah..."
A tiny voice inside me said, "Kata nak mula pakai tudung lepas habis sekolah..." but I knew it was time for me to cover my aurat.

At 16, I was transferred to a new school. It was compulsory for the Muslims to wear tudung. The school had many other strict rules. I became rebellious. This is the time when I started to ditch tudung. Some schoolmates talked about me behind my back, but I just didn't care. I do what what I want.
I learned the word 'clubbing' this year from a friend who told me about how her parents met (in a club) and how they dated (clubbing together) before they got married.

After school, I was sponsored by the government to further my studies abroad. I wore tudung because because everybody else did. Most of them didn't wear tudung outside the college though, just like me! So, I didn't feel indifferent. It felt normal to me.

Besides, how was I supposed to go clubbing with a tudung on?

I remember the first time I went clubbing. I was in the line, excited and nervous at the same time. Nervous because, "I am entering rumah setan! Oh my God, I am so gonna be burnt in hell! Does this mean my solat won't be accepted for the next 40 days? Really? But I won't drink, I just come here to dance. Besides, somebody else is paying this for me. I am not using my own money, the money that is meant for study purposes, to jalan kemungkaran."

The next few visits, I made sure somebody was willing to pay for me. Or, I would only go when it is free. The truth is, until today, I never pay to go clubbing.

During college, I refused to study in the library because it is a public place where men would look at my aurat and I would accumulate sins by not covering myself. I thought, 'I've had enough sins going to clubs and going out without wearing tudung. Hence, I would hide myself from men of non-muhrim where and when possible. It's not like I can't study in my room...'

I went to study abroad and started to become permanently tudung-less.

Mother and father who used to advice me to take my tudung off because 'You are still young,' now wanted me to wear tudung.

I declined.
I started to wear skirts and shorts outside of the house again after so many years.

Mother and father were surprised but didn't actively forbid me. They just said, "Dah besar pun nak pakai skirt? Dulu nak sangat pakai tudung!"
"Sekarang tengah cantiklah nak pakai sexy...Nanti dah tua, orang cakap buang tebiat pula," I defended myself.

I promised myself I would wear the tudung when I reached 23.
23 came and went. Solat started to become less than 5 per day.

The guilt I had before going to clubs is no longer there. I compromised myself. A club, bar, disco...Tak apa masuk rumah setan kalau tak buat benda setan, kan?

But I still have the mentality of, "I've had enough sins revealing myself, holding and kissing my boyfriend and etc. Hence, I would try to avoid to do MORE sins when possible."
Which is why I don't shape my eyebrows.
And why I want to get married!

P/S: Still working on my 5 solat per day.

Whitney Houston - My Love Is Your Love

If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy)
And I`m standin` on the front line
And the Lord ask me what I did with my life
I will say I spent it with you

If I wake up in world war 3
I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I want to go home
It`s okay if you coming` with me

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I lose my fame and fortune
And I`m homeless on the street
And I`m sleepin` in Grand Central Station
It`s okay if you`re sleepin` with me

As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other`s eyes
And no matter how old we get
It`s okay as long as I got you babe

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I should die this very day
Don`t cry, cause on earth we wasn`t meant to stay
And no matter what people say
I`ll be waiting for you after the judgement day

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldnt hold us

Don't envy us.

A person envies us, envies our relationship.
A person envies the determination my boyfriend has, the things he does to win me.

I was flattered.
If that person has faith in us, why shouldn't we have faith in us?

I cried thinking how blessed I am.
I cried thinking how fear I am.

I fear the nice things will come to an end.
I fear if we won't make it.

So, to that person:
Please don't envy us. We might not reach our happy endings. Do you want to be like us then?

Stuck in between.

"I told him (one of his bestfriends) that I am going to marry you, I can't wait to marry you," my boyfriend told me just now.

Most of my boyfriend's friends know about me. Most of them know how seriously involved my boyfriend is with me. How could one adult not be? Sometimes, I really don't understand how adults can be so childish, having affairs and flings here and there. Saying 'I love you' without actually mean it.
But this time, is one of the times, when my boyfriend spoke with determination, he spoke without doubt, it was one of the serious heart-to-heart conversation a man would have with his bestfriends.

"What did he say about it?" I asked.

"He asked me, 'When?'. I told him that I would tell my parents to see your parents next year. Do you think your parents will be mad if my parents come to see them?"

"I don't know," I am still unsure.

The topic about my relationship with my boyfriend has been avoided for months now. After the big fight a few months back, my parents and I pretended it never happened. Only once after the incidence mother did ask me, "Are you still in contact with him?"
Him.
She didn't even say his name out loud.
I told mother the truth, "Yes".
And that was that. No further response.

I really don't know how my parents are going to react if suddenly I announce, "His family is coming to our house next week."
I could imagine how it is going to be like. Mother and father would say, "No."
"Beranilah nak datang. Kami tak akan terima, we wouldn't open the gate," they would say, followed by long lectures of why I should choose someone else. I would plead, "Please don't embarass me", I would defend him, voices will be raised, tears will be shed, and I would lose the battle. Parents always win, don't you know? A daughter is helpless. Especially a daughter like me who doesn't have siblings to back me up. They wouldn't dare to interfere.

I'll end up looking like a gila meroyan girl, terkena sumpahan orang.

"Look at what he makes you turn into? We never teach you to become like this! He is a bad, bad influence, is this the kind of guy you want to marry? He makes you rude to us! Are you being ungrateful after all we have done for you?" my parents will accuse my boyfriend, they did that before. I know their game strategy. I will feel guilty. I will be left with no choice. To stop further accusations, I will have to calm myself, I will have to stop my tantrums. It is not his fault, stop blaming my boyfriend, he is a good person. That's how my parents win the battle.

My boyfriend's intention to wed me has became a known fact to his parents. But he is yet to persuade his parents to see my parents. "I still need to save money for the wedding," is his excuse to his parents. "We could help you out," his parents would offer. The truth is, money is not an issue.
But how could a son tell his parents, "Her parents don't like me. They say I am not good enough for her."
We are adults. We don't want our families to hate each other. I don't want my boyfriend to tell anybody how choosy my parents are. My boyfriend doesn't want anybody to know how much his girlfriend's parents hate him.

Siapa yang mahu membuka pekung di dada? Kami tidak mahu menconteng arang ke wajah sesiapa.

My boyfriend and I are stuck in between.

When I first introduced my boyfriend to my parents, I thought everything would go well. The possibility of my parents hating him never crossed my mind, not even once. He is perfect to me. He is a gentleman to my friends. He is the responsible son in his family. He is such a dear to his friends. He works in an environment where he deals with people of all ages. He woes most people. How could my parents not like him?

It was a shock to both of us. I wasn't prepared for this.

Our hopes collapsed. It was supposed to be running smoothly, it was supposed to be simple and straight to the point: introduction, acceptance, merisik, meminang, bertunang, marriage...

I wasn't prepared for this.

What went wrong?

I'm trying to stay optimistic. If God wants to put obstacles in my current love life, fine, but I hope I will be having easy success in other areas. I hope I will overcome the obstacles and be happy later in life.

I believe I can have everything I want, just not at the same time.

Well, my Lord, Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku...Show me the correct path.

From time to time, I receive SMSes from a man in his forties. Because of our age difference and his appearance (he looks wise and decent), I trust him to be professional and platonic with our friend/ relationship (we are not exactly friends). I didn't hesitate to exchange phone numbers with him. I think of him as an acquiantance, a brother, or probably an uncle (?). Besides, he is single. I asked him why, but he never answers. I thought he was gay.

But lately, what bothers me is, the word 'sayang' he includes in the SMSes.

For example, last few days, he wished me Happy Aidilfitri, to which I replied: Baru sekarang bagi SMS raya? I prefer duit raya!
"Ala saje, ingat you," was his reply.
Okay, that was it. I didn't reply. What else should I say? There's nothing else to be said.
But he sent me another SMS, telling that he is having a headache. "Kalau you sentuh boleh cepat pulih".
"Me? As if I have magic hands. Go to sleep and you'll be fine," I replied. Platonic or not?
"Banyak rahsia sentuhan tau, nanti you belajar la...Bye sayang."

He is a good man, and wise, like I mentioned earlier. But I told him many times before that I have a boyfriend and I am seriously involved with him.

I am not cheating because my boyfriend knows about him and everytime I get his SMSes, I would tell my boyfriend. I rarely contact this guy, more like, once a month, and everytime, he is the one who initiates the contact.

Sometimes, it is flattering to know someone fancies you. But this guy gives me the shivers, not in a creepy kind of way, and my boyfriend does not know this.

I have the feeling he is the kind of guy who turns up at your parents' house, out of sudden merisik or masuk meminang.

So, maybe I am just being paranoid, but I don't know, I just have that feeling and other men don't give me this kind of feeling.

Why? Why? Why?

He doesn't harrass me with contant calls/ SMSes, he has never confessed his love towards me, just a few 'sayang' here and there. I know I shouldn't take it seriously because that could be his style communicating with women but why do I feel like this? Is this what we call, a woman's instinct?

He once mentioned he wanted me, he said he would wait for me, but I took it as a joke. Adakah saya seorang yang perasan?

I don't know.

Entahlah...Maybe because he is sort of alim-alim and you know la what alim people do...Suddenly without warning, "Ana mahu kahwin dengan ente (or is it anta? Whatever la, I don't know Arabic!)"

Tapi saya tak cukup alim, jadi jangan kahwin dengan saya!

He doesn't know where I live, so thank God.

Anyway, lately I have been so distant with God. For the past two years, it has been difficult for me to find the time to recite the Quran. After reading hansac's blog, I am determined to improve my relationship with God. Baca Quran berlagu-lagu...Solat tak boleh tinggal...

Tapi susah sangat nak pakai tudung.

Sometimes, when I am out and about wearing skirts, it is difficult for me to enter the surau to perform my solat. People always look. I feel like I am such a disgrace, dressing inappropriately in a surau.

I end up missing my solat.

I know I should give up wearing skirts or shorts, but...

Iman nipis...

Postponed.

I am sorry I don't reply your comments.
But, trust me, I do read them.
I just don't know what to say.

Anyway...
Everybody else around me is getting married and I wish I could share the excitements with them. Of course, I am happy for my friends, but I wish I could tell them, "Hey, I am getting married too!"

I wish I too could go shopping for barang hantarans, set appointments with the photographers to see their portfolios, go to the bridal shops, having my mind about to explode thinking about every single detail and become a bridezilla just because it is all about me on my big day.

My plan, or more correctly, our plan to get married in several months has been postponed to early next year. I requested for it.

Some of you might not know this, but I have two homes. One in Malaysia, with my parents, another, my bachelor pad, is in somewhere not in Malaysia. I often travel in and out of the countries. The same goes to my boyfriend. Although we have different professions, fate brings us together. His other home is near to my other home, but he travels even more rarely than I do, once a year.

My boyfriend and I really want to make sure the marriage we will be having is truly 'sah', so he consulted a few pious men. So, the akad nikah will not be held in Thailand or Malaysia, but at a mosque near my other home. My 'tempat bermastautin' for a few months in a year.

My boyfriend always ask me this, "Sudah bersedia untuk menjadi isteri?"

My preparations for my big akad nikah day? Nothing. We don't want anybody to be suspicious. I think I am ready. I will love my husband and take care of him. I will ask for his permission, ask for his advice, make decisions together and respect him.

And I will learn how to cook his favourite dish? Maybe...He is a better cook than I am...

I will not be wearing a nice baju kurung and a lacey veil on my akad nikah. Instead, I will be wearing my baju raya, which is pretty too, by the way. But I have the feeling my boyfriend will surprise me with a pretty wedding baju kurung for me.

He is a sucker at keeping secrets to surprise me, that's how I get to know. Haha! His choice on my wedding baju kurung doesn't concern me at all. For your information, my boyfriend has excellent taste in clothings.

My boyfriend will have several gifts ready for me, but nothing in return from my side. He will buy me a wedding ring, a necklace, matching watches for both of us and money as duit hantaran. I can't be wearing the ring most of the time. The wedding ring will be the pendant of the necklace, so I could wear it without anybody asking my status.

I think I may have given too much informations here...

Okay, I would stop. I was just being a normal lady who is excited for her nikah day.

How would we live our lives? My boyfriend said he is ready to introduce me as his wife to his friends after we are married.

"But, they will ask you why they weren't invited to our wedding!" I protested.
"I would tell them the truth. We nikah first, and the Walimatulurus will be held later. I will invite them then," he said.
"And if they tell your parents about this?"
"My parents will understand...I know them."
"Kalau kena tangkap basah?"
"Kita cakap kita dah kahwin."
"Tapi kita tak ada bukti, tak ada sijil nikah!"
"Kita bayar denda."
"But they will inform my parents and they will kill me!"
"Well, we just have to make love overseas then!"

At this point, I just had to laugh at the simplicity of my boyfriend's mind. He is so cool and determined about this, which in turn, makes me feel safe and secure as long as he is with me.

My feet are still on the ground. The reality is not that simple. I know. We know.

Poligami 2.

Saya pun tak tahu kenapa tiba-tiba saya mahu mengulas tentang isu ini walaupun musim poligami lama sudah berlalu (musim berlalu di dada-dada akhbar, tapi tak bermaksud orang tak buat).

Entri yang lepas membuatkan saya lebih peka terhadap isu ini. Contohnya, baru-baru ini, saya berkenalan dengan seorang lelaki 65 tahun yang inginkan pil Viagra tapi tak lampu hijau dari doktornya kerana beliau mempunyai masalah jantung.

"Tua-tua pun aktif lagi ye?" saya fikir. Secara tak langsung, saya membayangkan ibu bapa saya dan ibu bapa boyfriend saya mengadakan acara rompy session mereka.

"Blerrrghh!!!" saya tiba-tiba tak dapat meneruskan bayangan itu.

Kemudian saya fikir, adakah saya sanggup melayan kehendak seks suami saya apabila beliau berumur 65 tahun nanti? Seorang isteri yang baik, tentulah akan menunaikan tanggungjawabnya. But, can a wife give it all, can her sexual desire be aroused? Isteri yang baik kena fully pleasurable!

Mungkin, by that time, saya akan menjadi tak kesah, saya sendiri yang buat request, "Sayang, I dah tak larat ni, pinggang I dah nak patah...You kahwinlah isteri yang muda sikit..."

Dari Jabir r.a, katanya dia mendengar nabi s.a.w bersabda:”Apabila ada di antara kamu yang tergoda hatinya kepada seorang wanita maka hendaklah dia pulang kepada isterinya untuk melepaskan rasa rindunya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian itu dapat mententeramkan gejolak hatinya.”

Tengok...Kena pulang kepada isteri! Eh, tapi nanti ada pulak yang argue, 'Lepas saya kahwin dengan wanita itu, bolehlah saya pulang kepada isteri baru saya tu!!!'

Tak ape...Argument masih boleh diterima. Ye lah, kahwin setakat nak memuaskan nafsu, ape kelas!!

Masa muda-muda dulu, mesti lelaki memilih kan? Calon isteri hendaklah bukan sahaja cantik, malah bijak, pandai masak, baik hati, pandai layan budak-budak etc.

Tapi selalunya, lelaki kalau dah tua, tergoda dengan perempuan muda, lebih 50% tertarik pada kecantikan perempuan itu. Jarang sangat yang memilih kriteria-kriteria lain. Ya, betul, isteri muda mesti baik hati dan pandai bergaul juga, tapi threshold/ standard criteria yang lelaki cari pada seorang wanita ketika dia muda dulu sudahpun berkurangan. Ini kerana lelaki itu pun sudah tak berapa kacak.

Jadi, kepada isteri pertama, janganlah anda jealous kepada isteri muda. Andalah yang paling perfect sekali, cuma kini dimamah usia...Nak buat macam mana, suami perlu dipuaskan.

PADA PENDAPAT SAYA, (ditekankan, ini pendapat saya seorang), yang layak berkahwin lagi itu hanyalah lelaki yang tua ataupun yang isterinya telah tua, lalu tidak dapat memenuhkan permintaan seks lelaki itu.
ATAUPUN, lelaki yang kerjayanya membawa ke seluruh dunia, di mana dia perlu isteri untuk menguruskan keperluannya. Paling layak adalah lelaki yang merantau atas tujuan berdakwah (Nabi Muhammad SAW dulu pun berkahwin ramai atas sebab dakwah).
DENGAN syarat, dia berkemampuan DAN adil saksama.

Kepada lelaki, kalau isteri anda muda dan mampu zahir DAN batin, anda pula tak bekerja outstation sana sini (tapi yang selalu anda buat ialah menipu isteri anda outstation), tak perlulah kahwin lagi seorang! Bak kata hadith di atas, "PULANG KEPADA ISTERI". Tak ada sebab untuk anda tidak dapat pulang kepada isteri anda yang telah sedia ada itu...Tak jauh pun!!!

UNLESS YOUR WIFE REFUSES TO SERVE YOU. (or if she's infertile and you want a child so badly. But you know what, nowadays, there are many alternatives to conceive. The cost might be even cheaper than marrying another woman!)
Baru boleh anda beralasan untuk kahwin lagi. Tapi perlulah cari dahulu punca-punca isteri kurang taat. Anda sebagai suami, perlu membimbing isteri anda.
Suami yang baik, perlu ada wibawa dan bijak menjaga rumah tangganya. Kalau isteri yang seorang pun sudah huru hara, inikan pula tambah lagi seorang.

Huraian
Rumah tangga orang beriman adalah benteng mempertahankan maruah dan harga diri. Rumah yang didiami bukan sekadar tempat berlindung dari panas dan hujan bahkan ia merupakan tempat untuk beristirehat, membina kasih sayang antara ahli keluarga, anak dan isteri dan mencari keredhaan Allah S.W.T. Sesungguhnya, alasan yang paling kukuh mengapa manusia itu perlu berkahwin adalah disebabkan tuntutan psikologi. Dengan perkataan lain ia adalah fitrah yang dijadikan oleh Allah S.W.T. Maka atas tuntutan tersebut, tanpa adanya perkahwinan kadangkala manusia akan terjerumus ke lembah perzinaan dan maksiat. Sebab itulah Islam memuliakan sebuah perkahwinan dan amat menggalakkan umatnya supaya berkahwin sebagaimana sabda Rasulullah s.a.w yang maksudnya: "Wahai anak muda, berkahwinlah. Sesiapa yang mampu, berkahwinlah kerana ia lebih memelihara mata dan menjaga faraj. Sesiapa yang tidak mampu untuk berkahwin hendaklah dia berpuasa kerana puasa adalah penahan (daripada gelojak nafsu)." (Bukhari)

Kalau suami saya berkahwin lagi satu, adakah ini bermaksud he has gone mental (psychological problems)? Ehehehe...Just kidding!

Jadi, isteri pertama perlu paham! Alasan paling kukuh untuk berkahwin kerana sesungguhnya memang fitrah Allah itu menjadikan jiwa manusia ini bergelora, meronta-ronta hendak kepuasan...

Para isteri perlu redha dan berfikiran positif. Semua ini pasti ada hikmahnya...

Cara menenangkan perasaan isteri tua: Jangan risau, isteri muda itu tempat suami anda memuaskan nafsu sahaja...Tak perlu jealous dengan isteri muda!

Cara menenangkan perasaan isteri muda: Suami pasti lebih sayang dan lebih bermanja-manja dengan anda! Isteri tua sudah tidak dapat belaian macam yang kamu dapat! Kalau suami yang baik, dia akan membelai kesemua isteri-isterinya dengan sama rata, cuma caranya berbeza...Jadi, tahniah, anda dibelai dengan hebat sekali! Jadi, tak perlu jealous dengan isteri tua...

Sesungguhnya, lelaki yang mempunyai lebih dari seorang isteri bukanlah sesuatu yang senang. Seorang kenalan yang beristeri dua, pernah mengaku, "Tak perlulah kahwin banyak-banyak! Penat! Balik rumah isteri pertama, dia minta...Esoknya balik rumah isteri kedua, dia minta juga! Kalau tak bagi, tak adil. Penat....."

Dan sesungguhnya, bukanlah seronok sangat pun jadi isteri muda. Ingat mudah hidup dicemuh masyarakat yang tidak memahami situasi mereka? Ingat senang menjaga anak-anak yang masih kecil tanpa suami sepenuh masa? Lebih-lebih lagi kalau baby, suami pula jarang ada untuk membantu! (Sebab selalunya anak-anak isteri tua sudah besar, jadi tiada masalah anak-anak mempunyai bapa yang macam Chipsmore, sekejap ada, sekejap tak ada).

Tapi kalau jenis suami yang tak adil tu, jawab masa akhirat sajalah nanti.

Jadi, apa kata kita beramai-ramai jangan berat sebelah kepada mana-mana pihak.

Seorang ustadz pernah berkata, "Kalau ikut sunnah Nabi Muhammad SAW, baginda kahwin ramai selepas isteri pertamanya, Khadijah meninggal dunia".

Sejauh mana kebenaran kenyataan di atas, saya tak dapat pastikan, kerana saya kurang mahir dengan sejarah perkahwinan Nabi Muhammad SAW. (Ada sesiapa dapat confirmkan Nabi Muhammad hanya beristerikan Khadijah seorang sebelum Khadijah meninggal dunia?)

Kalau betul....Kudos to our Pak Lah, our Prime Minister!

SEDIKIT KATA-KATA MOTIVASI DARI SAYA YANG TAK BERTAULIAH.

Kepada isteri-isteri yang berasa suaminya kejam:
Jodoh itu Allah yang tentukan. Allah itu Maha Adil. Kalau diri anda elok, tentulah Allah menjodohkan dengan lelaki yang elok tingkah lakunya. Kalau diri anda beriman, tentulah suami anda pun beriman juga orangnya.

Jika suami anda tak elok budi pekerti, tentulah jodoh baru suami anda sumbang juga perlakuannya.

Kepada isteri-isteri yang baik (tak bias kepada isteri muda atau isteri tua asalkan baik hati) tapi berasa dirinya tertindas dan teraniaya ("kenapa aku walaupun baik dijodohkan dengan lelaki sebegini!" bisik hati kecil anda:
Ingatlah, semua yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya. Cabaran yang Allah beri mesti dapat diselesaikan sebab Allah bukan main suka-suka sahaja nak menyusahkan hidup hamba-hambanya. Sesungguhnya Allah lebih mengetahui.

Dan, doa-doa orang yang dizalimi, yang teraniaya, memang dikabulkan oleh Allah. Jadi, gunakan kesempatan ini untuk berdoa banyak-banyak dengan Allah. Sebagai contoh, "Ya Allah, ubahlah sikap suamiku supaya lebih adil terhadap isteri-isterinya. Tabahkan diriku ini untuk sentiasa menjadi isteri yang baik dan tidak derhaka atau berdendam dengan suamiku. Ubahlah sikap maduku agar lebih bertolak ansur".

Sekarang, kepada isteri pertama yang sedang pedih hatinya, cuba gabungkan kedua-dua motivasi di atas,
"Saya baik, suami saya jahat. Sebab itu suami saya dapat perempuan jahat. Tapi saya baik. Sebab itu dapat dugaan begini".

Diingatkan, ayat di atas cuma sekadar ayat menyedapkan hati sendiri. Hehehehehe...

Realitinya, kita kena sentiasa berbaik sangka terhadap orang lain.

Sekian.

I laugh.

"So, how are things going on with you and your boyfriend?" a friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in weeks, asked.

As usual, I smiled happily, "We are doing great! I already met his parents, and he met mine."

"Really?"

I nodded and lied, "Both visits went fine..."

I lied because he is not a bestfriend. Besides, my boyfriend wants me to keep things between us only. I too, think, this is a personal matter.

"So, the families are fine with you guys?" he asked.

"Yes. His parents like me. They are very nice..."

I hoped he would be satisfied with the answer and wouldn't go any specific, but he did. "What about your parents?"

"They are okay..." I am not sure whether I was in denial or was that the answer I would like things to be?.

"Because you know...I read your father's blog..." my friend kept his eyes on the road, he was driving.

Luckily, there were only the two of us in the car. I would die if he decided to discuss this in front of anybody else!

"Oh, yeah? Hmm...Yeah, that's how he feel about us, then..." My face was hot. I know father wrote about his disapproval in his blog, but I didn't know my friends are reading it!

They must have thought I am such an anak derhaka!

Could you understand how I feel? Father dooesn't talk to me but he writes in his blog for the whole world to know how I have disappointed him, how I hurt mother etc. Why can't he write anonymously like I do? Why must he publish the letters he sent to me in his blog?

Bullocks.

"I like reading his blog. I find it very interesting. I like the issues discussed in his blog," my friend probably wanted the conversation to be less awkward.

We were stopped at the traffic lights and I was still searching for the right words.
The long silence was broken by my friend, continuing asking, "So how?"

"Howwwww???" I repeated the question, more to myself.
"What do you want me to do? Stay saja lah in the relationship. Takkan you nak I break up? Like Girl and Boy?"

"Why did they break up actually?"

"Girl's parents don't like Boy. Boy thinks, what's the point of being in the relationship when they both know what's going to happen in the end. Girl's parents will not accept him. He doesn't like to be rejected by her parents, because he is an orphan himself, since he was a child. He wants to feel a parent's love. He couldn't achieve it if he was with Girl."

"That's a pity," my friend said. I somehow was glad the conversation steered away from my life.
To keep things less serious, I asked if he was able to introduce me to his friends. I was joking. I don't know whether he knew I was joking. I didn't care. At least he would think I am doing something to please my parents.

We were talking about something, when I laughed.

"How could you be laughing?"

"Habis tu...Takkan I nak nangis? Laughter. It's a tool to hide my real emotions," I answered honestly.

"It's a bad tool," he said.

Betul. Tapi, takkan nak suruh I nangis? I am not very expressive. That defines me.

I'm pretty sure he has told my other friends to read father's blog.

Because now, there is already another friend confessing that she reads father's blog. She even advised me to dump my boyfriend because she said parents are always right.

I wish to tell them, "You don't know my side of story yet. How could I tell you how mean my parents have been to my boyfriend? They are my parents."

I joke and change the topic instead, everytime.

My family.

When I read about other people's families, I envy them.

My family is rather a weird family. We don't talk much to each other. I only talk to my mother...And my sister...And we are not that intimate.

Looking at the surface, we would have potrayed a perfect family. Everything else is going great. Father never has scandals, siblings and I always do well in school, we are proper and well-behaved, we are financially stable too.

We just don't communicate.

I don't know why. There are may be several factors contibuting to this:

- The big age gap between the the older two siblings with the younger two siblings.

- Brother was sent to a boarding school since he was 13 and studied abroad as well. He has always been so distant.

- Brother and I had a fight when I was 13 or 14. Prior to that, we were close and I liked him because he was brotherly. But I was rude to my mother, ran to my room, he chased after me a few moments later to teach me a lesson. He said awful and mean things to me and I stopped talking to him after that.

- Sister has always been so shy and so quiet. Her voice is so soft, almost mute. She only talks when she needs to or cries. She doesn't have many friends but she is pretty. Even though she is quiet and shy, there are always guys approaching her. I think, that balances things for her. Imagine if she was flirty! Err...Too many broken hearts...

- Father is a fierce person. When I was small, I heard stories about how he treated the older two siblings when they misbehaved or did not do well in school. Mother said my younger sibling and I are lucky because by the time we were born, father was no longer as temperemental as before. No, we were never abused physically nor mentally. Father just would be furious and scolded us if the grades were not As. The worst would be the rotan. But, if we did well, we would be treated a nice holiday together!

I don't know what went wrong. Everything was fine when I was young. I don't know what make us stop talking. Probably I was a rebellious teenager but never recover from it. But what about my other family members?

Mother is like the medium in the family. The way we communicate to each other is through her. I couldn't imagine our lives would be like without her. Too awkward.

Although most of the time we are under the same roof, we could go days without talking. The house would be too quiet. Sometimes, it would be a little bit livelier with the presence of my brother's only child. But she is becoming a teenager soon and there seems like an infertility problem running in the family.

To conclude, the only persons who talk to everybody are mother and my brother's child.

I thought, after we welcomed in-laws into our families, things would improve. I was wrong.

Sometimes, I wonder how things would be like in 10, 20 years time. What will we talk about? By then, everybody certainly would have led our own lives. We can't be in silence like this if we want to keep the the family ties strong!

That's why, it is my dream to marry a person who is friendly and talkative and well-liked by my family. He must come from a joyous family too, because I want to be a part of that. It is tough since my parents are having a difficult to accept my boyfriend.

In my family, we don't talk about personal stuff. Everything is very basic. The most talked about topics are our careers and educations. When I was young, the only things father would ask me were, "Bila exam?" "Results macam mana?" "Pergi study" End of conversation.

Father tries to bind us together though. We sometimes have family dinners but we usually end up 'buat hal masing-masing' and eat quietly. It's pathetic. We do most things together, actually. We just don't talk! For example, if one of us is going overseas, everybody would be at the airport to bid our farewells. Since father is punctual, we leave the house early and wait at the airport for hours before boarding. Within that time, we don't talk. We don't talk in the car. We don't talk during hari raya, we don't talk. Father and mother talk to each other all the time, but we, the offsprings, seldom get involved in their conversations. We listen. We talk when we are asked, when are expected to talk.

If I were to call home, I always ask for mother, even if father answered the phone. I just don't know how to talk to father.

That's why, when father is against my relationship, I am upset because I feel like he doesn't know me, he never talks to me about anything else, how come out of a sudden he has something to say about my boyfriend!

One time, I was so mad, I sent an SMS to mother expressing my unsatisfaction after a domestic quarrel with them, I said, "Father never talks to me before. And just now he had something to say to me, he yelled at me."

According to them, I am the most difficult child to dealt with because I couldn't tolerate is when somebody is rough with me. I would either break down or fight back, thus it is hard for them to get the message across. I guess, father has gotten too used with his military style approach. So, as I am now older, our mode of communications are via the SMSes, written letters and e-mails. And we live under the same roof.

Although I am quiet at home, I am very talkative among my friends. This annoys my parents sometimes. I couldn't help it.

Aidilfitri.

We shake and kiss hands. Then eat separately and watch TV separately. Apparently, we have enough TVs, telephones, computers, you name it, to cater for our separate needs.

Not that I don't love them, and I am sure they love us too (my parents only recently started to tell me they love me in SMSes, letters or e-mails, technologies do miracles!) but we are not trained to be affectionate.

I vow to change this in my future family.

I am ashamed to admit about my family situation to my friends, but I think they could feel the vibe.

Up until now, I only know one other person whose family is similar to mine.

We are not normal, aren't we?

21.

I want to help those people in Sudan. I want to do volunteer work in Darfur.

Easier said than done.

Everytime I think about them, which by the way, is not that often, I realize how petty my problems are compared to theirs.

Right now, all I could do is donate RM50 to UNICEF every month.

I could have done so much more than that.

Why?

Saya tahu, tak patut saya mengeluh. Tak patut saya bertanya, "Kenapa saya? Kenapa susah?"

Tapi saya terpaksa luahkan juga! Dah tak ada tempat lain lagi...

Nak buat benda baik pun susah ke?

Orang lain susah jugak? Susah macam mana? Saya tak tahu pun. Betul? Tak tipu? Kalau macam tu, ceritakan pada saya. Saya perlu tahu. Bagi saya harapan.
Saya perlu tahu kesusahan begini adalah biasa, normal.
Semua orang pun melaluinya.

It's not that simple.

I don't have anyone to talk to.

Except my boyfriend. But that's different.

I need another point of view.

An advice. Hope.

Kadang-kadang, saya rasa tidak adil. Everything else is going very fine with us. We hardly argue about anything, he is very understanding and very mature. He is financially stable and he comes from a good family. The most important thing is, he could guide me in life.

Kan dah cukup semua tu: Berharta, berketurunan baik, cantik, beragama, sihat tubuh badan, bertanggungjawab, berakhlak mulia, sekufu.

Orang lain yang banyak perangai, senang-senang pula dapat kahwin. Contohnya, yang kaki ganja, kaki penipu, yang nak kahwin lagi satu...Tapi kenapa kami ni pula yang banyak cabaran?

Tapi, kenapa mother and father masih tak bagi?

Faktor yang mother and father bagi tu irrelevant! And I think you said it just because you have to, because there is no other reason you could give to forbid me from marrying him, kan? Ada fakta yang salah, tapi kenapa mother and father tak mahu percaya benda yang betul? Kenapa tak mahu dengar penerangan kami? Kenapa tak mahu terima kebenaran?

Dari mana sebenarnya mother and father dengar cerita-cerita tipu pasal dia? Tak betul...Nak kami buktikan macam mana lagi?

I didn't ask to fall in love with him. But it happened. If I didn't meet him, I could stay single effortlessly, I wouldn't want to rush for a wedding. But I've met him. It's fated, I've met him.
My love for him is growing. Don't you know how it feels like when you just know that he is the right one for you? How you want so much for him to become a family, a partner, a husband, and a father to your children?

Father and mother ingat senang nak cari lelaki yang jaga solat? Puasa penuh? Tahu hukum-hakam? Merokok pun tidak!
Saya ni pun bukannya elok sangat. For me to have somebody like him who is willing to marry me, genuinely, is like, bulan jatuh ke riba.

He may not have a professional career, but he is good in what he is doing and he has a degree. Dia bukan budak bodoh.

Degree macam mana lagi yang mother and father would allow?

Sampai hati mother and father fitnah dia macam-macam. Although, things are not said directly to him, but the things I hear hurt me.

Everytime I try to tell good things about him, about his success, being abroad expanding his horizons, anything, mother and father always have negative remarks after that.

Paling sakit hati bila mother and father cakap dia ke luar negara mengedar dadah.
Atau ke luar negara untuk berdakwah, maka jika saya kahwini dia, saya akan ditinggalkan berbulan-bulan.
Atau sebab dia lari dari hutang.
Atau dia cuma ada sijil SPM saja.
Atau dia sudah pun beristeri lain.

Ape ni...Merepek betul!

Mother and father betul-betul mahu dia tunjuk sijil ijazah ke?
Kalau sudah beristeri lain, masakan dia bawa saya jumpa ibu bapanya, jumpa saudara maranya, jumpa rakan-rakannya.
Dan, orang yang sudah beristeri selalunya pandai mencairkan orang tua...Putar belit kata-kata...

And stop ridicule him everytime you meet him! He is a noble person and he treats me really good. Why can't you see that?

-Pasti ada hikmah-

Budget.

Last night, my boyfriend and I had a long conversation about our wedding budget.

"Do you realize how much money you have to spend for the wedding?" I asked.

What I told him:

First nikah
- Flight tickets
- A ring and a necklace (because I won't be wearing the ring on my finger to avoid suspicion)
- RM5000 (elaun sara diri/ hantaran)
- pocket money
Total: RM20000

Engagement
- A new ring (he cannot be 'buruk siku' and recycle our initial nikah ring!)
- Barang-barang hantaran atas dulang
Total: RM3000

Second nikah
- A platinum ring (as demanded, hehe)
- Hantaran RM10000- RM15000 (mother and father will decide on this)
- Hantaran atas dulang
- The kenduri
Total: RM50000

Etc
- A house (he planned to build our house since he already has the land but I told him to get a nice little apartment for us first)
- Cars (he wants to buy a new car for himself but what's more important is he has to buy a new car for me!)
- Honeymoon
- House furnitures
Total: RM80000 (honeymoon + down payments)

GRAND TOTAL: RM153k

"You have two years to find at least half of that, no more shopping spree for you after this!" I said.
"I dah lama tak shopping tau. What about you? How much do you have to spend?" he asked.
"Well, there would only be one kenduri on my side, but I think my parents would cover for that. Most of the guests would be their friends anyway! I probably will have to pay half of that and I'll pay for the hantaran as well. That's all," I answered with a smile.
His comment to that was, "Senangnya jadi perempuan!"

"And don't forget, you have to have savings too! For our future, for our children," I reminded him.
"Of course, of course, I've planned everything. Lets just hope we'll get the projects," he said.
"What if..." I was thinking the possibility of not getting the tenders.
"We'll get the projects. Don't worry. I also have plan B just in case. But I'll get the money. Duit dekat mana-mana pun boleh cari, sayang. Cuma kena usaha, bukan susah sangat. Nak cari soulmate tu yang susah..."

Aww...Isn't he sweet? I know he has savings in his accounts, I just don't know how much he has prepared for us. Anyway, all the best to him, he'll get the projects because I know he is good in what he is doing.

Still thinking.

"Kenapa mesti takut Allah? Kita sepatutnya sayang Allah. Dan takut jika kita tidak lagi disayangi Allah, takut dengan balasan Allah."

Something I sometimes ponder upon when I was about to sleep, while thinking about my life.

"Nasi Lemak Buah Bidara
Daun Selasih Hamba Lurutkan
Buang Emak, Buang Saudara
Kerana Kasih, Hamba Turutkan."

I never intend to choose between my family and my boyfriend. Call me greedy, but I want them both. I insist to believe, I deserve both of them!

During my younger days, I told myself to never compromise my love towards my parents.

"So, you would leave the man you love, and marry the person you parents choose? How could you live with someone you don't love for the rest of your life?" my friend asked.

At that time, I thought, it would be easy. I would teach myself to love him. If I can't, I would live without love, I thought I could.

"You always put other people ahead of you," my friend told me. What was so bad about sacrificing my happiness for others? They are my parents, two people who make sure I live comfortably all this while. I thought, the decision of choosing between family and boyfriend, should never be an issue. I thought I didn't even have to think about it, I knew the priority would be given to my family.

Obviously, I was not yet this much in love.

Now, I understand how difficult it is to lose somebody you love. Now, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with somebody else other than my boyfriend. Me and another guy living together? No way, I could never be the loving and caring wife. I would probably constantly finding his faults, comparing him to my current boyfriend. I'd rather live alone. At least until I get over my boyfriend, which I don't know whether it is possible or not.

The decision whether to marry my boyfriend without my parents' consent or not, is the biggest, most difficult decision ever I have to make. I have to be aware of the impacts and be prepared to face the consequences.

Follow my heart? I don't want to blindly follow my heart, I have to use my head as well. Marriage is a big thing, I am weighing the pros and cons so I wouldn't make a stupid decision.

However, everytime I am thinking about it, I'd be riding an emotional roller-coster which is sickening and tiring, and it seems like it is never-ending.

Right now, the only thing I could be sure of is to let my boyfriend find out about the marriage procedures. In the meantime, I hope Allah will show me the correct path.

Fear.

According to plan, we should be married in several months. I did solat istikharah a couple of times already, but I haven't dreamt anything solid yet.

Why is it so hard for us to get married? My boyfriend said, other people might get married easily, but they might face problems later on. We should be grateful, because if we could overcome this test, insyaAllah, everthing else would be much smoother in the future. I want to believe him. I think he is right.

So, in a few months, we'll get married and it'll be our secret for two years. We are sure by that time, my parents would have been too tired to separate us and they'd give in and allow us to be together. Then, we'd get married all over again and pretend like we are virgins. We just have to be patient.

Patience.

"Sayang, parents are correct in most things, but not everything," he said.

We decide to get married because it is better to make it halal than going on like this. We want the Almighty's berkat. I think 'bercinta' unofficially is a burden. I feel guilty all over, like I've sinned.

"Are you sure this is the best thing to do?" I asked.

"Why is getting married so bad? Kan Allah suka orang yang berkahwin, kita bukan nak buat benda jahat. Lebih baik kita bercinta, dapat berkat dan pahala, daripada bercinta macam ni, kumpul dosa. We've been together for one year, berapa lama lagi kena bercinta macam ni...You've known me enough, you've met my parents, my families, my friends, everything is settled on my side. I want to love you, to take care of you, to be with you when you need me, but I can't if I am not married to you. Nak kumpul dosa sampai bila?" my boyfriend tried to convince me.

True, but the only thing that makes me a bit reluctant is the fear if my parents ever find out about our secret.

Hmm...

The good marry young?

The doctor (Rossi) didn't win the game. Casey Stoner, the champion, is 21 years young, rich and married. How come people are getting married so young these days?

I asked my boyfriend, "Are you hurt?"
He denied it, but I know, deep inside, he is hurt.
Father said him being with me is not 'sekufu'.
All I could say was, "Sorry, sayang..."

Then, he promised, he will do whatever it takes to wed me.

I admire his maturity, passion, patience and determination.

I love you too.

My match.

My friend just broke up with her boyfriend. Her parents want her to find somebody 'better'.

She briefly poured her heart to me.

She said, "My parents can be very mean. I know if I marry him, he will be hurt. I know my father, he would say awful things to him. He would intentionally humiliate him in front of his friends, my uncles and aunties. I think it is better this way."

My friend was very sad.

"My father could be very mean too. I think he is meaner than your dad," I smiled, trying to lighten things up for her. "Did you know he once threatened my boyfriend?"

My friend gasped. I couldn't tell her the details. I could not 'membuka pekung di dada'.

That day, I was out with my boyfriend, and my parents kept pestering me to come home.
Father said on the phone, "Come home this instance! Or I'll call him and curse him!"
Father did call and curse my boyfriend.
I was embarassed and I was sorry for my boyfriend. But my boyfriend was very calm and patient.

"I am sorry. I didn't know it was that bad," my friend said to me.
I hid my sadness behind my smile. I controlled myself not to let the tears fall.

Yes, nobody knows the real situation is ugly.

"Emma's parents are against her relationship with her boyfriend too," my friend said.

"Why?" I asked. "Because he is a police officer, that's why," she said.

"What's wrong with our parents?" I sighed.

Because of our profession, it seems like no man is good enough for us. This is so unfair.

I understand, they only want the best for us, but how could they look down at other people. How could they be judgemental and say that these men are no match for us. Then who are?

Do they think it is easy to score an eligible bachelor with a pleasant attitude? How many Malaysian guys out there, who in this range of age, are truly successful? Most of them are taken anyway! And why oh why, a police officer, is not considered successful? What kind of successful men do our parents want for us really?!

I value the heart, how a man would love and treat me, rather than what career he is having or how smart he is.

I just want to be comfortable and happy in my life.

Today.

The ex still hasn't replied my e-mail yet, I guess he is not going to, it has been more than a week of silence.

WHAT?!!!!

I haven't even told him about how happy I am with my new man! The last e-mail I sent to him was very brief, about how I want to be married but have to postpone the plan due to some unavoidable circumstances.

I want him to know the details, like what he did to me when he was getting married!

Well, the wife probably found out about the e-mail exchange and make him swear not to reply my e-mail...But, it feels good anyway!

Oohh...And happy fasting to all Jewish out there.

Jewish friend: We are tougher than you...
Me: What do you mean?
Jewish friend: Because, we fast for 25hours straight!
Me: Yeah, but we fast for one month.
Jewish friend: But that's nothing, I always skip my breakfast and lunch...
Me: You'll be sleeping when you fast. We couldn't sleep more than half-day, or our fast wouldn't be counted.
Jewish friend: But you get up in the morning to eat before you fast.
Me: That's for preparation. Even a glass of water would do, and it's not even compulsary. You too could eat before you fast!

I dreamt just now. In my dream, mother was asking whether I am still seeing my boyfriend. Mother was calmer than usual (calmer than she would be in reality when talking about my relationship with my boyfriend) so I tried to explain things to her. I cannot remember whether I cried in the dream.

As the conversation went, I got angry and sad. I acted like a spoilt child, saying things like:
"Mak kejam! Kejam!"
"I wish you were not my mother!"

I woke up. Why did I utter such horrible things to mother in my dream? Do I really hate her, subconciously?