banyak dosa.

Berdosakah saya, kalau kadang-kadang, saya malu dengan agama sendiri?
(Selidik dalam-dalam)
Tidak, saya tidak malu dengan agama saya, saya cuma malu dengan penganut-penganut agama saya.

Berdosakan saya, jika saya lebih malu dengan saudara-saudara saya se-Islam yang terlalu fanatik dan 'ridiculous' berbanding dengan saudara-suadara saya se-Islam yang 'non-practitioners'?

Sebagai contoh, baru-baru ini, kecoh dengan teddy bear bernama Muhammad.

Di manakah rasionalnya?

Teddy bear bernama Muhammad tak boleh, tapi nama nabi lain boleh? Ismail, Adam, Daud?
Kalau teddy bear bernama Jesus, boleh tak?

Kalau pun she meant to degrade our religion, kenapa tak soal siasat dulu?

Hhhmmm...

I've never been ashamed to admit that I am a Muslim. I am.
"But why are you like this?"
Well...I am a Muslim, but I am not religious. It is compulsory to wear hijab and I have no excuse to not wear one. I have sinned. Degil...Dah tahu nak masuk neraka pun, masih tak takut.

I remember a friend of mine who didn't admit she was a Muslim to a drunk man because she was afraid of him.
I was surprised.
My wild imagination led me to this:
Kalaulah betul lelaki mabuk tu nak bunuh aku malam itu sebab aku cakap aku Muslim, mesti aku bersyukur dapat masuk syurga. (Perasan berjihad)
To my friend: Mati berdosa murtad la engkau masuk neraka tak mengaku Islam, I thought.

But who am I to judge her? Entah-entah, saya yang masuk neraka sebab dah tahu ada bencana, lagi mahu nak provoke. Saja nak bunuh diri ke?

Berdosakah saya kadang-kadang saya malas hendak menerangkan keadaan sebenar tentang agama saya. Saya lari dari anjing/ babi, kemudian saya hanya menjawab mudah, "I'm allegic to dogs and pigs".
Malas nak terang panjang-panjang. Dan juga memang tak tahu kenapa.
Maklum sajalah...Manusia zaman sekarang ni mempunyai sifat inkuiri yang tinggi. Tak cukup kalau jawab, "My religion forbids me from touching dogs and pigs".
"Why?"
"We could touch them, but najis mughollazah bla bla, samak, bla bla bla, tak boleh makan babi juga bla bla bla, sebab tak tahu! Saya tak tahu! Saya tak tahu kenapa saya tak boleh pegang anjing! Tak tahu! Paham tak! Tak tahu!"
"I could not accept your answer. Dogs are the gentlest, cutest and the most adorable creatures on earth, they are not dirty at all..."
Oh, my God, I have sinned again because I didn't provide them THE answer, which I don't know, thanks to my ultimate ignorance to my own religion.
Tuh la...Nama saja Islam, tapi tanak belajar agama sendiri...

Tapi, kenapa saya rasa, orang yang ignorant terhadap agama Islam, tapi tidak mengganggu ketenteraman orang lain, lebih baik daripada orang terlalu fanatik dengan Islam, tapi menimbulkan banyak prasangka buruk terhadap Islam.

Last-last, saya juga yang susah kena jawab, "I don't know, I don't know! Paham tak! I tak tahu! They are crazy people who killed themselves and they wanted to kill other people too, but I don't know why they wanted to do that in the name of Islam because there is no such thing in my religion, really! Really, there is no such thing in Islam."

Dugaan, dugaan...

I am a Muslim.

"Abang, I feel like dancing. I wanna go clubbing," I said.
"Kenapa tiba-tiba?"
"Entah...Mengidam pula tonight," I chuckled. "Can you imagine if I were pregnant and suddenly I wanted to go clubbing? Maklumlah...Dah mengidam..."
"Ye la tu! You duduk rumah, baca Quran!"
"I tahulah...Nanti besar, anak dalam perut jadi kaki clubbing," I said followed by a pause, before I continued to say, "Eleh...You tak bagi I selalu clubbing, but when you were my age, you lagi banyak clubbing dari I!"
"I lain...I entertain orang..."
"Jangan nak tipu....You tak pernah entertain orang dekat clubs...You clubbing suka-suka you je!"
"Haha! You know me too well..."

When I was in primary school, I only wore baju kurung on Fridays.
Since little, I was told, "Disco itu haram. Rumah syaitan".

In Standard 4, I started to wear more baju kurung than pinafores. Peer pressures. More and more friends were wearing baju kurung instead of pinafores. Besides, I was still not lady-like. One teacher scolded me for not sitting properly and let everybody see my panties. Budak lagi katakan...

I remember I had a talk with a friend of mine, "Bila nak pakai tudung?" We agreed to start wearing tudung after we finish school.

In standard 6, I wore the tudung after an ustazah brain-washed us. My friends started to cover their heads. Again, peer pressures. Mother was surprised but didn't object. I still remember, in my class, there were only 5 hijab-less girls. (My classmates were all Muslims).
This is the time when most children, or shall I say, adolescents try to develop their own identities. They want to think and decide for themselves. They want to be accepted.
I only wore tudung to school.
One day, I decided not to wear skirts outside of the house.
I remember looking at my red skirt and put it on one side, the side of 'clothes to be worn at home only'. Saya sudah besar...I thought to myself.

At 13, mother wanted to buy pinafores for me but I protested.
"You want to wear tudung to school? Your cousin is 17 and she still wears pinafores! Mengada-ngadalah kamu ni," mother said.
I was a late bloomer. My period didn't come yet and I remember how happy I was to think, "Saya tak berdosa kalau tak sembahyang. Saya kan belum baligh!"

At 14, I wanted to wear tudung permanently because one my bestfriends just decided to wear it full-time.
Mother said, "Suka hati kamulah..."
A tiny voice inside me said, "Kata nak mula pakai tudung lepas habis sekolah..." but I knew it was time for me to cover my aurat.

At 16, I was transferred to a new school. It was compulsory for the Muslims to wear tudung. The school had many other strict rules. I became rebellious. This is the time when I started to ditch tudung. Some schoolmates talked about me behind my back, but I just didn't care. I do what what I want.
I learned the word 'clubbing' this year from a friend who told me about how her parents met (in a club) and how they dated (clubbing together) before they got married.

After school, I was sponsored by the government to further my studies abroad. I wore tudung because because everybody else did. Most of them didn't wear tudung outside the college though, just like me! So, I didn't feel indifferent. It felt normal to me.

Besides, how was I supposed to go clubbing with a tudung on?

I remember the first time I went clubbing. I was in the line, excited and nervous at the same time. Nervous because, "I am entering rumah setan! Oh my God, I am so gonna be burnt in hell! Does this mean my solat won't be accepted for the next 40 days? Really? But I won't drink, I just come here to dance. Besides, somebody else is paying this for me. I am not using my own money, the money that is meant for study purposes, to jalan kemungkaran."

The next few visits, I made sure somebody was willing to pay for me. Or, I would only go when it is free. The truth is, until today, I never pay to go clubbing.

During college, I refused to study in the library because it is a public place where men would look at my aurat and I would accumulate sins by not covering myself. I thought, 'I've had enough sins going to clubs and going out without wearing tudung. Hence, I would hide myself from men of non-muhrim where and when possible. It's not like I can't study in my room...'

I went to study abroad and started to become permanently tudung-less.

Mother and father who used to advice me to take my tudung off because 'You are still young,' now wanted me to wear tudung.

I declined.
I started to wear skirts and shorts outside of the house again after so many years.

Mother and father were surprised but didn't actively forbid me. They just said, "Dah besar pun nak pakai skirt? Dulu nak sangat pakai tudung!"
"Sekarang tengah cantiklah nak pakai sexy...Nanti dah tua, orang cakap buang tebiat pula," I defended myself.

I promised myself I would wear the tudung when I reached 23.
23 came and went. Solat started to become less than 5 per day.

The guilt I had before going to clubs is no longer there. I compromised myself. A club, bar, disco...Tak apa masuk rumah setan kalau tak buat benda setan, kan?

But I still have the mentality of, "I've had enough sins revealing myself, holding and kissing my boyfriend and etc. Hence, I would try to avoid to do MORE sins when possible."
Which is why I don't shape my eyebrows.
And why I want to get married!

P/S: Still working on my 5 solat per day.

Whitney Houston - My Love Is Your Love

If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy)
And I`m standin` on the front line
And the Lord ask me what I did with my life
I will say I spent it with you

If I wake up in world war 3
I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I want to go home
It`s okay if you coming` with me

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I lose my fame and fortune
And I`m homeless on the street
And I`m sleepin` in Grand Central Station
It`s okay if you`re sleepin` with me

As the years they pass us by
We stay young through each other`s eyes
And no matter how old we get
It`s okay as long as I got you babe

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

If I should die this very day
Don`t cry, cause on earth we wasn`t meant to stay
And no matter what people say
I`ll be waiting for you after the judgement day

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldnt hold us

From time to time, I receive SMSes from a man in his forties. Because of our age difference and his appearance (he looks wise and decent), I trust him to be professional and platonic with our friend/ relationship (we are not exactly friends). I didn't hesitate to exchange phone numbers with him. I think of him as an acquiantance, a brother, or probably an uncle (?). Besides, he is single. I asked him why, but he never answers. I thought he was gay.

But lately, what bothers me is, the word 'sayang' he includes in the SMSes.

For example, last few days, he wished me Happy Aidilfitri, to which I replied: Baru sekarang bagi SMS raya? I prefer duit raya!
"Ala saje, ingat you," was his reply.
Okay, that was it. I didn't reply. What else should I say? There's nothing else to be said.
But he sent me another SMS, telling that he is having a headache. "Kalau you sentuh boleh cepat pulih".
"Me? As if I have magic hands. Go to sleep and you'll be fine," I replied. Platonic or not?
"Banyak rahsia sentuhan tau, nanti you belajar la...Bye sayang."

He is a good man, and wise, like I mentioned earlier. But I told him many times before that I have a boyfriend and I am seriously involved with him.

I am not cheating because my boyfriend knows about him and everytime I get his SMSes, I would tell my boyfriend. I rarely contact this guy, more like, once a month, and everytime, he is the one who initiates the contact.

Sometimes, it is flattering to know someone fancies you. But this guy gives me the shivers, not in a creepy kind of way, and my boyfriend does not know this.

I have the feeling he is the kind of guy who turns up at your parents' house, out of sudden merisik or masuk meminang.

So, maybe I am just being paranoid, but I don't know, I just have that feeling and other men don't give me this kind of feeling.

Why? Why? Why?

He doesn't harrass me with contant calls/ SMSes, he has never confessed his love towards me, just a few 'sayang' here and there. I know I shouldn't take it seriously because that could be his style communicating with women but why do I feel like this? Is this what we call, a woman's instinct?

He once mentioned he wanted me, he said he would wait for me, but I took it as a joke. Adakah saya seorang yang perasan?

I don't know.

Entahlah...Maybe because he is sort of alim-alim and you know la what alim people do...Suddenly without warning, "Ana mahu kahwin dengan ente (or is it anta? Whatever la, I don't know Arabic!)"

Tapi saya tak cukup alim, jadi jangan kahwin dengan saya!

He doesn't know where I live, so thank God.

Anyway, lately I have been so distant with God. For the past two years, it has been difficult for me to find the time to recite the Quran. After reading hansac's blog, I am determined to improve my relationship with God. Baca Quran berlagu-lagu...Solat tak boleh tinggal...

Tapi susah sangat nak pakai tudung.

Sometimes, when I am out and about wearing skirts, it is difficult for me to enter the surau to perform my solat. People always look. I feel like I am such a disgrace, dressing inappropriately in a surau.

I end up missing my solat.

I know I should give up wearing skirts or shorts, but...

Iman nipis...

Dying.

I read http://pausetoreflect.blogspot.com
Takziah.
I wonder if I could be as courageous as her.

I told my boyfriend about it, "He was 38 years old, sayang, and he passed away on his birthday."

I wanted to tell my boyfriend that I am afraid if the same thing happens to us. The possibility is there. The words just couldn't come out from my mouth. It's not that I am embarassed to tell him how much I love him, it is just, my feelings cannot be described by words...They are more than that. I hope he could feel how I feel towards him.

Everytime I think about death, I think about my boyfriend's death, not mine. Isn't it ironic? As if I am immortal. Because whenever I think about what will happen if I die, how I die, I'd re-set my mind: I can't die, I have so many things to do! and I stop thinking about my own death.

This is my secret:

One of the reasons I want to marry my boyfriend soon is because I am afraid if he dies before I could marry him. I am afraid if I cannot find him in heaven. I am afraid if he is matched with an angel who is not me. That's how much I love him, how much I want to be with him.

Not that I am confident to be put in heaven because I have committed so many sins in my life, but I am hoping God will forgive me and one day place me in heaven. I hope God places us in heaven, together.

"Do you love me?"
"Yes, I do love you."
"How much do you love me?"
"I love you forever and ever and ever."
"Do you want to marry me?"
"Yes, I do want to marry you."
"Do you want to live with me?"
"Yes, I do want to live with you."
"I don't think I could live if you leave me..."
"I won't leave you. We will die together."
"Will you live with me forever?"
"I love you and I will live with you...Sampai ke syurga."

I also think what if my boyfriend dies after we are married but nobody knows we are married.

I wouldn't want to marry another man.
And I know my parents will persuade to end my 'single' life.
How would I explain to them, "Hey, mother, father, I am actually a widow...And the reason I don't want to be married is because I am waiting to meet my husband in heaven."
But am I strong enough to overcome the temptations of being in love, be loved and have children?

My wild imaginations have made things complicated.

Why do I keep thinking about death of my boyfriend?
Because he isn't exactly young, you see. We are not young. But he is older than I am, and men generally do die sooner than women.

"Don't worry. I don't smoke and I play sports," my boyfriend tried to calm my worries.
"But look at your food, high cholesterol! You could get a heart attack! Mati mengejut! Or you could die in an accident! That's the worst thing ever, you could die before I am ready to let you go!" I was semi-hysteric.
"I told you, we are going to die together..."

Although 'dying together' sounds ridiculous, but hearing the words from him is soothing.

I think I am living in a fairy-tale.

"Jom lah kahwin cepat," I said.
Because I don't want to lose you, I wish to add.

Poligami.

Dulu, saya pernah terbayangkan, hidup saya ni ditakdirkan untuk bermadu. Sebab, dulu, saya bercinta dengan seorang lelaki yang baik, tetapi saya terlalu fokus dengan kerjaya. Pernah saya nyatakan pada dia, "Lepas kahwin nanti, I akan benarkan you kahwin lagi". Dia pula berjanji, takkan ambil isteri lain. Saya memikirkan hal dia. Dia baik tapi saya pasti tak terlayan dia. Lagipun, saya tak pandai masak, kerja tak tentu masa. Baik jugak lah kalau saya berkongsi kasih. Tak ade lah saya berdosa sangat nanti kalau saya tak ada masa nak uruskan suami. Pass aje dekat isteri lain...

Belum sempat pun kami berkahwin, dia bercinta dengan orang lain. Masa itu, barulah saya paham. Walaupun saya kata berkata pada diri saya, saya rela bermadu, tapi bila dah betul-betul terkena, memang sakit. Syukur juga, belum kahwin lagi kan...He chose her over me lagipun...

Betul kot pilihan dia. Perempuan tu baik. Tak salah apa pun. Saya ni je yang tak cukup bagus untuk ex-boyfriend saya. Tapi, sampai sekarang ni perempuan tu tak tahu apa yang pernah berlaku sewaktu dia syok bercinta dengan ex-boyfriend saya tu. Kawan saya suruh bagitau, saya tak mahu. Biarlah...Sudah bahagia...Saya tak mahu musnahkan.

Fast forward, I am now in love with my current boyfriend.

Entah macam mana, mentaliti dan prinsip yang saya pegang dulu (ie: tak apa jika suami berkahwin lagi) dah tiada. Mungkin sebab betul-betul sayang, sampai tak sanggup berkongsi.

Tapi sejujurnya, tak pulak saya pandang hina pada isteri-isteri lain, cuma kasihan pada isteri pertama, lebih-lebih lagi kalau tiada salah, tiada cacat cela.

Biarlah, it happens to other people, but not to us. Although I know, I cannot control this, who knows what future lies for us.

Tadi saya baca http://cintarahsia.blogspot.com/

Kisah isteri kedua.
Dulu pernah terjumpa satu blog isteri kedua, saya tak suka, saya tak ingat pun alamat blog dia.

Saya ni, kalau jenis baca blog, suke baca dari awal sampai akhir. Jadi, blog yang saya dah lupa pon alamat dia tu, saya memang tak setuju, bukan berdasarkan satu entry saja, tapi berdasarkan archive die yang saya baca semuanya.

Blog Puan Suri ni, saya tak ade lah bersetuju sepenuhnya. Ade juga part-part yang saya tak setuju.

Kadang-kadang bergenang air mata saya membaca blog itu. Terbayangkan diri jika berada dalam situasi yang sama, jika berlakunya suami saya kahwin lagi. (Oh, walaupun hakikatnya, saya masih belum berkahwin.)

Tapi, tak baik kutuk-kutuk, hina-hina orang...Takut terkena dekat batang hidung sendiri...Dan kadang-kadang, orang yang kita kutuk-kutuk dan hina-hina itu, lebih mulia dari kita kerana imannya.

Terus terang saya katakan, iman saya ni nipis. Solat lubang-lubang. Itu pun tak khusyuk. Tak tutup aurat, pergi clubbing, bergaul bebas. Jadi, mereka semuanya sememangnya lebih baik dari saya.

Hujah-hujah Puas Suri ada asas, contohnya, dalam Islam, tak ada isteri pertama, kedua, ketiga, keempat, yang ada cuma isteri-isteri. Itu saya setuju.

Tapi dia cakap,

"Lelaki yang dah berkahwin punya kestabilan yang lebih dari segi mental, emosi dan ekonomi. Mereka jugak lebih sabar melayan karenah wanita, berkat pengalaman melayan isteri. Haha.. Lagipun, biasanya lelaki yang baik-baik ni cepat je diambil orang, jadi suami orang, maka sebab mereka ini lelaki yang elok dan baik, wanita lain pun inginkan mereka."

Kadang-kadang, macam tak adil kan? Sebab, waktu suami susah-susah dulu, belum stabil, isterilah yang mula-mula tolong. Tapi bila dah senang, banyak pulak perempuan yang jatuh hati.

Kasihan.

Tak marah pun pada perempuan-perempuan yang jatuh hati pada suami orang. Biasalah, manusia, perempuan, mahukan seseorang yang boleh jaga dia, stabil. Saya pun paham juga...Tak hina pun...

Tapi kasihan....Macam saya cakap tadi, saya tak marah, tapi kasihan. Saya bayangkan saya si isteri, mesti terasa hati.

Saya bayangkan saya seorang anak, saya pun tak mahu ayah saya kahwin lain, ada anak dengan perempuan lain.

Tapi apa nak buat kalau benda nak jadi, jodoh, qada' dan qadar.

Lagi satu, cinta ni kan kena ade respons dari kedua-dua belah pihak. Jangan salahkan sebelah pihak saja...

Anyway...

Puan Suri ni isteri rahsia...

Kasihan kan?

Kasihan dua-dua.

Kasihan dekat isteri pertama, kasihan dekat isteri kedua.

Bayangkan, kalau isteri pertama tiba-tiba dapat tahu, mesti rasa tertipu. Suami bertopeng. Bercengkerama dengan orang lain. Mesti rasa rendah diri juga. Kenapa perlu seorang lagi? Kalau aku isteri yang baik, aku patut dah syak, dan boleh bau benda ni awal-awal!

(Tapi mungkin juga dia dah tahu tapi buat-buat tak tahu...Mulianya...Sakit tapi tahan sendiri, display a happy face pretending like it doesn't hurt, just so not to hurt anybody, especially yourself. Macam Puan Guile awal-awal dulu...Atau pun mungkin sebab masih in denial. Tak mahu percaya benda tu benar-benar berlaku.)

I think, benda-benda macam ni, memang better keep it low. I mean, things we don't know, won't hurt, kan?

Yang si isteri kedua pula, memang tak ade pilihan, kena live with the consequences. Dah tahu pun what lie ahead, tak boleh nak complaint lebih-lebih.

Tapi kan, kenapa mesti melukakan? Kadang-kadang saya rasa, kan lebih elok terseksa sendiri daripada menyeksakan orang lain.

Hahaha! Cakap senang! Love is selfish itself.

Contohnya, macam isu saya ni.

Ramai orang cakap, saya selalunya mementingkan orang lain lebih dari kepentingan diri sendiri. I agree so too.

And now, it is time for MY happiness, that's why I feel very strongly to marry my boyfriend. I deserve to be happy too...

Teringat cerita kawan. Seorang doktor yang BARU berkahwin melanjutkan pelajaran ke luar negara, meninggalkan isteri jururawat dan seorang anak yang masih kecil. Isteri tidak ikut berhijrah. Tak tahu kenapa...(Suami tak bagi, tak cukup duit, jaga anak, sebab kerjaya mungkin?)

Sudah habis belajar, suami pulang ke tanah air dengan seorang perempuan untuk dinikahi.

Sekali lagi saya kasihan.

Isteri yang setia menanti, membesarkan dan menjaga anak yang masih kecil itu, seorang diri, dengan harapan suaminya pulang dan hidup gembira, tapi suaminya pulang membawa seorang wanita lain yang jauh lebih hebat darinya.

Mesti terasa rendah diri...

Beliau memberi keizinan, suami dan wanita itu pun melangsungkan perkahwinan dengan meriah dan besar-besaran.

Perlu jadi wanita yang betul-betul tabah untuk hadapi semua itu kan...

Keluarga lelaki itu pula berbelah bahagi, tapi nak buat macam mana...Cara mereka deal with the situation? They distant themselves, mereka tak mahu memilih.

Kasihan si isteri pertama, keseorangan bersama anak yang masih kecil. Hubungan dengan keluarga suami pun jadi longgar. Mungkin masing-masing tak tahu macam mana nak deal dengan situation yang awkward ni.

Kadang-kadang, poligami ni complicated. Banyak perasaan yang perlu dijaga. Melibatkan orang lain juga. Jadi, kena fikir sebelum buat keputusan.

Why?

Saya tahu, tak patut saya mengeluh. Tak patut saya bertanya, "Kenapa saya? Kenapa susah?"

Tapi saya terpaksa luahkan juga! Dah tak ada tempat lain lagi...

Nak buat benda baik pun susah ke?

Orang lain susah jugak? Susah macam mana? Saya tak tahu pun. Betul? Tak tipu? Kalau macam tu, ceritakan pada saya. Saya perlu tahu. Bagi saya harapan.
Saya perlu tahu kesusahan begini adalah biasa, normal.
Semua orang pun melaluinya.

It's not that simple.

I don't have anyone to talk to.

Except my boyfriend. But that's different.

I need another point of view.

An advice. Hope.

Kadang-kadang, saya rasa tidak adil. Everything else is going very fine with us. We hardly argue about anything, he is very understanding and very mature. He is financially stable and he comes from a good family. The most important thing is, he could guide me in life.

Kan dah cukup semua tu: Berharta, berketurunan baik, cantik, beragama, sihat tubuh badan, bertanggungjawab, berakhlak mulia, sekufu.

Orang lain yang banyak perangai, senang-senang pula dapat kahwin. Contohnya, yang kaki ganja, kaki penipu, yang nak kahwin lagi satu...Tapi kenapa kami ni pula yang banyak cabaran?

Tapi, kenapa mother and father masih tak bagi?

Faktor yang mother and father bagi tu irrelevant! And I think you said it just because you have to, because there is no other reason you could give to forbid me from marrying him, kan? Ada fakta yang salah, tapi kenapa mother and father tak mahu percaya benda yang betul? Kenapa tak mahu dengar penerangan kami? Kenapa tak mahu terima kebenaran?

Dari mana sebenarnya mother and father dengar cerita-cerita tipu pasal dia? Tak betul...Nak kami buktikan macam mana lagi?

I didn't ask to fall in love with him. But it happened. If I didn't meet him, I could stay single effortlessly, I wouldn't want to rush for a wedding. But I've met him. It's fated, I've met him.
My love for him is growing. Don't you know how it feels like when you just know that he is the right one for you? How you want so much for him to become a family, a partner, a husband, and a father to your children?

Father and mother ingat senang nak cari lelaki yang jaga solat? Puasa penuh? Tahu hukum-hakam? Merokok pun tidak!
Saya ni pun bukannya elok sangat. For me to have somebody like him who is willing to marry me, genuinely, is like, bulan jatuh ke riba.

He may not have a professional career, but he is good in what he is doing and he has a degree. Dia bukan budak bodoh.

Degree macam mana lagi yang mother and father would allow?

Sampai hati mother and father fitnah dia macam-macam. Although, things are not said directly to him, but the things I hear hurt me.

Everytime I try to tell good things about him, about his success, being abroad expanding his horizons, anything, mother and father always have negative remarks after that.

Paling sakit hati bila mother and father cakap dia ke luar negara mengedar dadah.
Atau ke luar negara untuk berdakwah, maka jika saya kahwini dia, saya akan ditinggalkan berbulan-bulan.
Atau sebab dia lari dari hutang.
Atau dia cuma ada sijil SPM saja.
Atau dia sudah pun beristeri lain.

Ape ni...Merepek betul!

Mother and father betul-betul mahu dia tunjuk sijil ijazah ke?
Kalau sudah beristeri lain, masakan dia bawa saya jumpa ibu bapanya, jumpa saudara maranya, jumpa rakan-rakannya.
Dan, orang yang sudah beristeri selalunya pandai mencairkan orang tua...Putar belit kata-kata...

And stop ridicule him everytime you meet him! He is a noble person and he treats me really good. Why can't you see that?

-Pasti ada hikmah-

Still thinking.

"Kenapa mesti takut Allah? Kita sepatutnya sayang Allah. Dan takut jika kita tidak lagi disayangi Allah, takut dengan balasan Allah."

Something I sometimes ponder upon when I was about to sleep, while thinking about my life.

"Nasi Lemak Buah Bidara
Daun Selasih Hamba Lurutkan
Buang Emak, Buang Saudara
Kerana Kasih, Hamba Turutkan."

I never intend to choose between my family and my boyfriend. Call me greedy, but I want them both. I insist to believe, I deserve both of them!

During my younger days, I told myself to never compromise my love towards my parents.

"So, you would leave the man you love, and marry the person you parents choose? How could you live with someone you don't love for the rest of your life?" my friend asked.

At that time, I thought, it would be easy. I would teach myself to love him. If I can't, I would live without love, I thought I could.

"You always put other people ahead of you," my friend told me. What was so bad about sacrificing my happiness for others? They are my parents, two people who make sure I live comfortably all this while. I thought, the decision of choosing between family and boyfriend, should never be an issue. I thought I didn't even have to think about it, I knew the priority would be given to my family.

Obviously, I was not yet this much in love.

Now, I understand how difficult it is to lose somebody you love. Now, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with somebody else other than my boyfriend. Me and another guy living together? No way, I could never be the loving and caring wife. I would probably constantly finding his faults, comparing him to my current boyfriend. I'd rather live alone. At least until I get over my boyfriend, which I don't know whether it is possible or not.

The decision whether to marry my boyfriend without my parents' consent or not, is the biggest, most difficult decision ever I have to make. I have to be aware of the impacts and be prepared to face the consequences.

Follow my heart? I don't want to blindly follow my heart, I have to use my head as well. Marriage is a big thing, I am weighing the pros and cons so I wouldn't make a stupid decision.

However, everytime I am thinking about it, I'd be riding an emotional roller-coster which is sickening and tiring, and it seems like it is never-ending.

Right now, the only thing I could be sure of is to let my boyfriend find out about the marriage procedures. In the meantime, I hope Allah will show me the correct path.

Fear.

According to plan, we should be married in several months. I did solat istikharah a couple of times already, but I haven't dreamt anything solid yet.

Why is it so hard for us to get married? My boyfriend said, other people might get married easily, but they might face problems later on. We should be grateful, because if we could overcome this test, insyaAllah, everthing else would be much smoother in the future. I want to believe him. I think he is right.

So, in a few months, we'll get married and it'll be our secret for two years. We are sure by that time, my parents would have been too tired to separate us and they'd give in and allow us to be together. Then, we'd get married all over again and pretend like we are virgins. We just have to be patient.

Patience.

"Sayang, parents are correct in most things, but not everything," he said.

We decide to get married because it is better to make it halal than going on like this. We want the Almighty's berkat. I think 'bercinta' unofficially is a burden. I feel guilty all over, like I've sinned.

"Are you sure this is the best thing to do?" I asked.

"Why is getting married so bad? Kan Allah suka orang yang berkahwin, kita bukan nak buat benda jahat. Lebih baik kita bercinta, dapat berkat dan pahala, daripada bercinta macam ni, kumpul dosa. We've been together for one year, berapa lama lagi kena bercinta macam ni...You've known me enough, you've met my parents, my families, my friends, everything is settled on my side. I want to love you, to take care of you, to be with you when you need me, but I can't if I am not married to you. Nak kumpul dosa sampai bila?" my boyfriend tried to convince me.

True, but the only thing that makes me a bit reluctant is the fear if my parents ever find out about our secret.

Hmm...

Today.

The ex still hasn't replied my e-mail yet, I guess he is not going to, it has been more than a week of silence.

WHAT?!!!!

I haven't even told him about how happy I am with my new man! The last e-mail I sent to him was very brief, about how I want to be married but have to postpone the plan due to some unavoidable circumstances.

I want him to know the details, like what he did to me when he was getting married!

Well, the wife probably found out about the e-mail exchange and make him swear not to reply my e-mail...But, it feels good anyway!

Oohh...And happy fasting to all Jewish out there.

Jewish friend: We are tougher than you...
Me: What do you mean?
Jewish friend: Because, we fast for 25hours straight!
Me: Yeah, but we fast for one month.
Jewish friend: But that's nothing, I always skip my breakfast and lunch...
Me: You'll be sleeping when you fast. We couldn't sleep more than half-day, or our fast wouldn't be counted.
Jewish friend: But you get up in the morning to eat before you fast.
Me: That's for preparation. Even a glass of water would do, and it's not even compulsary. You too could eat before you fast!

I dreamt just now. In my dream, mother was asking whether I am still seeing my boyfriend. Mother was calmer than usual (calmer than she would be in reality when talking about my relationship with my boyfriend) so I tried to explain things to her. I cannot remember whether I cried in the dream.

As the conversation went, I got angry and sad. I acted like a spoilt child, saying things like:
"Mak kejam! Kejam!"
"I wish you were not my mother!"

I woke up. Why did I utter such horrible things to mother in my dream? Do I really hate her, subconciously?

Anggapanmu

Orang anggap saya sombong. Tapi sebenarnya, saya tak sombong. Dulu saya memang sombong, terutamanya dengan lelaki. Ada suatu peristiwa yang menyebabkan saya sombong dengan lelaki. Sebelum peristiwa itu, sayalah yang paling ceria, yang paling mudah untuk didekati, tetapi selalu disalah ertikan oleh lelaki dan perempuan. Saya elak lelaki kerana saya takut jika saya mesra dengan lelaki, lelaki akan salah anggap dan jatuh hati. Waktu itu, saya belum bersedia untuk jatuh hati dan tidak mahu dianggap perampas.

Orang anggap saya yakin. Tapi sebenarnya, saya kurang yakin. Dulu saya memang yakin. Semua pun saya hadapi dengan keyakinan. Sekarang saya sudah ada beberapa kegagalan, dan kegagalan itu memusnahkan keyakinan saya. Kini, keyakinan saya hanya di permukaan saja (superficial), saya tak yakin sepenuh hati. Saya rindu dengan keyakinan saya.

Orang aggap saya bijak. Tapi sebenarnya, saya kurang bijak. Dulu, benar, saya bijak. Seperti keyakinan, kegagalan juga telah membunuh kebijakan saya. Walaupun kegagalan saya tidak sebesar mana, tapi mengapa saya masih kurang yakin dan berasa bodoh?

Orang anggap saya kaya. Tapi sebenarnya, saya tidak kaya. Sampai sekarang saya pelik kenapa orang anggap saya kaya. Maaf, saya tidak dapat 'sponsor', saya tidak kaya!

Orang anggap saya baik. Tapi sebenarnya, saya tidak baik. Dulu saya memang baik. Dulu saya yakin masuk syurga. Ramai lagi yang lebih jahat, lebih hina dari saya. Sekarang, saya mungkin baik dari segi perbuatan, tapi tidak begitu baik kepada Tuhan saya. Bukan saya tidak mahu jadi baik, saya mahu, tapi saya senang terpengaruh dengan Iblis Syaitan. Saya baik perbuatan kerana saya mahu menebus dosa-dosa saya. Harap-harap, kebajikan saya diterima. Tapi tak cukup, memang tak cukup, banyak menggunung perlu ditebus! Jadi, jangan anggap saya baik, saya bukan orang baik.

Saya selalu dengki pada orang yang baik. Terutama sekali gabungan orang yang baik, bijak, cantik dan kaya. Sempurna. Baik, bijak dan cantik adalah hampir sempurna. Saya dengki pada orang yang hampir sempurna juga.

Saya dengki pada orang yang terpelihara. Ibadat saya dulu sepatutnya memelihara saya! Tapi kenapa tidak? Sia-siakah?

Tuhan tidak suka pada saya. Saya harap satu hari nanti Tuhan akan sangat sayang pada saya. Masih sempat?

Syahdu.

One shop in my neighbourhood always give free food as sedeqah on the first of Ramadhan.

I went just now. I saw husbands and wives.

Tiba-tiba, saya rasa syahdu. Saya mahukan 'comfort' itu juga. Saya mahu ikatan itu. Saya mahu berbuka puasa, berjalan, dan bermesra dengan seseorang yang sah statusnya sebagai suami saya.

Then, I was home. My ritual is to hop-blog.

Syahdu sekali lagi apabila membaca blog-blog yang gembira baru menimang cahaya mata. Mereka yang gembira menerima khabar menanti ketibaan orang baru tidak lama lagi. Saya mahukan 'comfort' itu juga. Saya mahu membelai anak. Saya punya naluri keibuan yang kuat.

I cried thinking that I am alone. That I probably will never find my 'comfort'. The truth is, I've found him, but I can't be with him.

Not yet.

Dan pada malam ini, saya terkenangkan diri sendiri yang bergelumang dengan dosa. Banyak. BESAR.

Apa itu jodoh?

I have questions.

What is jodoh?
Semua orang ada jodoh sendiri?

Is jodoh someone we marry, or someone we have sex with?

If everybody is promised to have our own jodoh, so, that must mean the non-Muslims have their jodohs too.

Setiap manusia (kafir atau tidak) mempunyai rezeki dan jodoh masing-masing. The difference is, rezeki is something we could get even if we work for it, but you cannot do anything for your jodoh no matter how hard you try.

But if jodoh is someone we marry, that means, the non-Muslims never find their jodohs! This is because, they are not actually married in the eyes of God. In order for a marriage to be 'sah', it needs a husband, a wife, witnesses, akad nikah (solemnization) and wali.

Are you catching my drift?

So, is jodoh actually someone we have sex with?

I hope my jodoh is not dead. I don't want to wait until I go to heaven before reuniting with my jodoh! (Because I probably will end up in hell anyway)

Glad?

I know a Jew for three years. I guess, in that three years, it never crossed his mind that I am a Muslim. Blame me, it is my fault.

A conversation led to this.

Him: So are you a Muslim?
Me: Yes, I am.
Him: So, why don't you wear the hijab?
Me: Well, a lot of Muslims don't wear the hijab!
Him: No, no, I mean, I am glad that you decide to get rid of the hijab to become equal to the men.
Me: I am not getting rid of the hijab! It is just, well, it is my upbringing.

Offence 1: Not explaining the actual reason of not wearing the hijab. No, it is not the religion. It is me, who is so stubborn to follow God's rules. I am a bad Muslim.

Offence 2: Blaming my upbringing because I was too lazy to explain into such depth on why I don't wear the hijab, hence, my upbringing was the simplest answer I could think of at that moment.

Offence 3: How could I know a person for three years but he never knew I am a Muslim! He was not exactly a friend, and we rarely talked to each other except for the past 6 months, but we know each other, and I damn well know he is a Jew! It is probably my lack of commitment towards the religion. I am guilty.

I actually was a bit offended when he said he was GLAD that I didn't wear the hijab. I felt so bad, so sinful.

I probably should start to wear one.

In two years time.

My ex-boyfriend, left me for someone better, and is now married to her.

My boyfriend always remind me that: You are a good person. God will pair you up with a good person too. Tuhan dah cakap kan...

My ex-boyfriend told me he never touched his then girlfriend because his girlfriend doesn't allow him. I conclude, she must be a really, really good person.

Now that she is married to my ex-boyfriend, doesn't that make him a good person too?

(God pairs a good person with another good person.)

So, if he is a good person, but he doesn't end up with me, I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me, I must be not good afterall!

Thinking about my ex-boyfriend is depressing. Our relationship ended in a horrible way, but we stayed friends until the day his wedding invitation arrived.

Even though I hate him, I also despise him for not choosing me over his new woman. It is the ego in me, I guess.

After much thinking, I decide that I should not be hating my ex-boyfriend. Whatever happened, is really not his fault, isn't it? Because she is his jodoh, and jodoh is fixed by God. Why should I blame him for causing this heartache, when God has planned everything for us?

But, is it fair? Is it fair to play with people's hearts, and when things don't work out, all you say is, "Tak ade jodoh..." Are you not guilty?

And why am I not good?

Kulit khinzir

My boyfriend and I went to the Versace boutique.

He was eyeing on a pair of Versace shoes in the glass shelf and wanted to try them on.

"Berapa harga ni?" my boyfriend always speak in Malay when shopping in Malaysia. He likes it when Malaysian sale assistants speak in Malay ni matter how posh the shop is.

"RM****"

"Ohh...Boleh try?"

"Ini kulit babi."

"Ohh...Yeke..." my boyfriend continued to view the shoes. "Ade orang Melayu beli?" my boyfriend asked.

"Ade yang tak kesah...Kite pon serba salah nak jual....Mase minta tunjuk, kita cakap ini kulit babi, tapi diorang tak kesah...."

"Hish, Melayu ni...Sanggup eh diorang nak pakai style punye pasal..." my boyfriend commented.

I like to think positive, so I defended them, "Diorang pakai stokin kot..."

The sale assistant then said, "Pakai stokin pon...Tapi...Masih babi kan..."

My boyfriend agreed with her, "Ha ah...Kan ade kulit lain, nak jugak pakai babi!"

I have friends who wear shoes made of pig skin leather. She is very careful not to wet it and wear socks with the shoes everytime.

Entahlah...

Hijab

Sometimes, I wish hijab is just a fashion, not a responsibility. I have no problem with hijab being an identity, though.

From time to time, I want to wear the hijab. But I know, once I am wearing it, the hijab has to stick on my head. I couldn't take it off whenever I want.

I know many, many people who wears on-off hijab. They don't appear weird to me. But it is different, because they are hijab-ed most of the time, part-time hijab-free.

I want to be the part-time hijab-ed woman! (Have you ever seen a woman who doesn't wear a hijab MOST of the time, and only wears the hijab when she feels like it? No, right?)

It's funny. When you wear the hijab, you are automatically kinda 'protected' from doing anything sinful. Well, not protected, but you'd feel obliged to behave. Obliged? That's what I think. You just have to behave, you think twice before you do anything that could scratch the image.

But, when you feel you want to do something un-Islamic, you take off your hijab because you don't want to embarass the religion or give the wrong impression on Islam.

Once you do this, you are 'supposedly' looked down (people don't really care now) because you are 'memperkotak-katikkan hukum agama' (because you are not serious with your hijab! You think you can play-play?! You think you can take off your hijab when you FEEL like it?!)

But if you wear the hijab while misbehaving, you are disrespecting the religion pulak!

So, like it or not, once you wear the hijab, your personality changes, no matter how 'I am still the same inside' argument you give to your friends! Because if you don't change to become a better person, you are a disgrace.

It's funny because you expect covered women to be noble. But they are like the rest of us, except for the piece of cloth covering their hair! How can a piece of cloth make a whole lot difference? Okay, it makes whole lot difference in term of the number of 'pahala' they get compared to 'exposed' women like I am but not in term of attitude! A hijab is not like a switch on/ off button! You wear it, 'cahaya keimanan terpancar-pancar' and 'wah, sungguh ayu!', but when you take it off, 'sekarang kamu wanita jahat!'.

Hmm...

Talked to a male friend. I was single and wondering why was it hard for me to be involved in a serious relationship.

"Probably because you don't wear tudung".
"Whatttttttt?????? Whyyyyy??" I said.
"Because, it is highly unlikely for you to be a virgin if you don't wear the hijab".

Judgmental and not fair!

"I don't wear a hijab but I am a virgin!" I protested.
"I know. But the chances are low".

Oh, suddenly I feel I want to write about why men who fuck around think virginity is sacred out of sudden when it comes to marriage. Gile, tak sedar diri!

I've kissed sins

My friend said she has never been bothered to watch what she eats everytime she is abroad.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because...Jaga atau tidak, sama saja," she said.

"I don't get what are you trying to say here," I was confused.

"My ex-bf was a Chinese, right? He eats pork, he drinks alcohol...And I kissed him everyday when I was with him...So, in a way, I've tasted them all..."

"Ahhh???"

Yeah, then it struck me. I've never thought of it this way. As much as I try to select my food everytime I am abroad, I actually have tasted them all, because I've kissed non-Muslims and alcohol consumers before!

Banyaknya dosa aku!

They are ambiguous

Sometimes, I think, Islam is very ambiguous. I am confused. Everytime I have this kind of feeling, I would try to think of something else. I know, there are certain things in Islam that are better left unknown. Nobody could answer all the questions.

Eg 1:
When you get sick:
1) Your small sins are forgiven (which means it is either you have so many sins or you are blessed because you are chosen to suffer first in this world rather than later: burn in hell)
2) Or, it means that this is one of the small tests that God want us to overcome.

Eg 2:
When you die with your eyes open and a horror expression:
1) You were a bad, bad person when you were alive, that's why you die a slow and painful death. They say, your face look terrified because you saw the punishments you will get for your wrongdoings before you actually died (nazak).
2) God loves you. He wants to punish you now so later, in the afterlife, you would get a lighter punishment.

Eg 3:
A prostitute is supposed to go to hell, but the prostitute who gave the dog water with her shoe will be rewarded heaven.

There are many other ambiguities. I couldn't recall them at this time, but when they hit me, my thought goes like this: "Oh, this is another tease He is going to play on us". There is no way we could know, what trials and tribulations, joy and triumph, actually mean to us.

I watched a documentary about Hinduism. They believe in reincarnation. They believe they are born into a lower caste because of the past sins they did in the lives before.

That's why, in India, the people in the lower caste do not fight for their rights. According to them, they accept their fate because they did something wrong before. They would just try to become good human beings and hope after they die, they will be re-born into someone in the upper caste.

While watching this, with the faith I have in Islam, my immediate response was, "That is so wrong! How can you say that is your fate? How can you not fight for your rights? Because you are alive just once! There is no such thing as a reincarnation!"

But I always try to put myself in their shoes. If Hinduism was my religion, I probably would think the same way as they do.

Then, I started to apply this in Islam. What if there is no life after death? What if there is no hell and heaven? What if what I do in this life, doesn't count for anything afterwards!

Oh, I felt so guilty for thinking like this.

But, I read http://iammuslim2.blogspot.com/ by Kimster. Yes, I do all these with a sincere heart. If there was no heaven and hell, there is no regret. This is what I choose to believe in. I am obliged by Islam, my religion, but at the same time, I have faith for its teachings and I am prepared, noone is forcing, I am practising with my own will.

My logic tells me, the world could not be that cruel! Of course there are heaven and hell! Otherwise, life would be too unfair! What is the meaning of life if it was unjust?

Although I think about Islam, I am still not a good Muslim. It is all in the mind, no action taken by me to actually become better in practising this religion.

Ohh...Setan!

Cinta Alan

I used to know a Parisian, a Frenchman, an architect named Alan.

I don't know why, but I have a 'thing' for architects. I just love men with that profession. I used to imagine they were good-looking, decent and smart. But that was not the reason I agreed to go out with Alan.

Alan was nice and I thought I was representing the Malay Malaysian community, so, he could get to know us better.

He was successful, he worked in various countries such as Indonesia and Japan before. I was impressed.

So, we went jalan-jalan. He was a gentleman, holding my hands, opened doors, offered seats to me etc the usual things that make us feel special, which most Malaysian men tend to forget.

Alan told me about his family, his job, his previous relationships and the people he had slept with. He told me about how a married Chinese lady who wanted to have sex with him but he refused because he just didn't do colleagues. I liked having conversations with him. He brought me to bars and drank beers. He said, "I only drink on weekends. I don't drink when I am working. It is against my principle".

At one of the restaurants, he studied my hand, trying to be a fortune tellar. He said my hands were soft, and he kissed my cheeks.

He perfectly understood why I don't drink: because I am a Muslim. He introduced me to his friends and his friends told me nice things about Alan, despite their lack of English.

At one of the last bars that we went to, Alan confessed that he liked me. He said I was interesting and pretty. I was flattered, of course. No wonder he was being extra nice to me, putting his arm over my shoulders and around my waist, holding my hands etc. I thought he was just being the typical Parisian. You know what they say about Frenchman, romantic...

But I knew things were moving too fast. I told him it was too soon for me to decide whether I liked him back. I mean, I liked him, but not to that extent.

One night, he invited me to dinner. I agreed. He brought me to his apartment because I was excited when he told me he was a skilled cook. I specifically instructed him not to cook pork or have alcohol as an ingredient. He said he would cook fish.

Entering his apartment was something new to me. It was a different atmosphere. Have you ever entered an artist home before? I found out he was an artist as well. He drew many potraits, even a nude picture of one of his friends I had met earlier.

Little did I know Alan was craving to have sex with me.

He was honest, and asked to have sex with me many times before but I politely declined. I gave him many reasons: I am not ready, I am a virgin, I want to wait for the right man, I believe in sex after marriage, I am having my period and I am Muslim, I don't fuck around. Somehow, whenever he asked to have sex with me, I was not offended and he was not irritating at all.

While drinking his beers, he cooked in the kitchen. Once in a while, he checked on me, making sure I was comfortable, and we french-kissed.

He said, "Why do you kiss me if you don't like me?"

I said, "Well...I did not kiss you, you kissed me!"

Oh, and for your information, I was never sexy in front of Alan. All I wore were a pair of jeans and a simple top.

He explained to me about his paintings, and kissed me, I turned my face away and he served me a glass of orange juice and kissed me, and again, I made faces. I made sure I looked at him when he poured me the drink, just in case if he was trying to drug me or something.

I didn't want to lead him on, I even made it clear to him that we were just two friends having dinner together.

His apartment had a nice view. There we were, appreciating the beauty of the scenery, (konon-kononnya romantik and I think he was hoping I would melt) when he began to kiss and touch me all over. I pushed him slightly, I said, "I told you, I do not want to have sex with you".

"Why?" he asked.
"Because I am a virgin, and I am planning to stay that way!" my voice raised.

"But I like you. You will like me too after we make love".
"NO!"
"Look, no commitment. If you don't like me tomorrow, it is okay. But if you still like me tomorrow, then I will commit to you. Let's just try for one night".
"I said 'No'! I think I should leave!"

I walked to the door. He stopped me.

"Okay...I respect you. Lets just have dinner."
I looked at him and said, "Okay".

I was sitting at the sofa when he said, "Please sleep at my house tonight. I promise, no sex, just talking. I want to get to know you better".

"Alan, I think I wanna go home now".
"Why?"
"I don't want to sleep at your house"
"But it is getting late!"
"It is okay, you don't have to send me home. I will find my way"
"But...Wait!" he pulled my hand. He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
"I am very sure" I was really afraid that time. What if this Alan tried to rape me? I prayed to God to tebalkan imanku dan tidak terjatuh dalam perangkap maksiat Alan. Chewahh....Hehehehe...But, seriously, I was scared.

I was so scared, I was preparing myself to scream if he did anything weird.

"Fine. Just let me turn off the stove and take my house keys".
"Okay".
"Sit down".
"No, I will wait here, at the door".

So, he walked me to a station (LRT station, train station, bus station, commuter station? Hehe. I'll keep you guessing). He bought a ticket for me, and waited with me.

He apologized and he said I had hurt him.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Alan asked.
"I am busy tomorrow," I answered.
"How about the day after?"
"You have to see my friends and I".
"I only want to see you," he said, almost pleading.

I didn't reply straight away.

"I am sorry, but I don't think I could see you again," I finally broke the silence.
"Are you sure?"
"I am pretty sure".
"Is that what you really wish for?"
"Yes".

Silence.

"Then, erase my number," he said, challenging.
"Okay," I replied, taking out my mobile phone, erasing his number.
"You can't contact me after this," Alan said.
"I know. I don't want you to contact me again," I said.

He looked sad, so I tried to console him, the least painful way, "Look, you are a nice guy and all. But we are different. I am sure you will find someone you really like. But, you and I, this could not work. We are too different".

"But I really like you".

Silence.

"May I kiss you for one last time?"
Hish, mamat ni....Getting annoying pulak dah!

I nodded.
He kissed me long and gently.

He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
Konon I would feel something after the kiss la tuh....

I nodded.

"You go home. I am fine..." I wanted him to leave.
"I'll wait with you".

And my ride came.
He kissed me on the cheek, and I left him.

That was the day I almost got screwed!
I didn't tell anybody because they would scold me bad....

The PM is getting married. At first, I do not mind at all. But after much thinking, I am a bit disturbed.

Probably he is marrying her for the sake of racial integration?

You know..."Even the PM is marrying a non-Malay" sort of thing, which is good.

But, it got me thinking:

Is she a newly converted Muslim or is she a long-time mualaf?

If she is a newly converted Muslim, converting for the sole purpose of marrying, that is so wrong!

Being the PM, he is a very busy man, I believe, and when is he going to find time guiding this woman to Islam?

He is the leader of the nation, he needs to set a good example.

I want my leader to be almost perfect!

Hmm...I know a man from the Middle East, married to a woman from South-East Asia.
He told me, his wife was a Roman Catholic. Now, she has REVERTED, not converted to Islam. She is very particular with that word: reverted, kembali ke jalan yang benar.

She actually was not planning to revert, but on the wedding day itself, she surprised everybody by telling them she was ready to revert.

I told him: In Malaysia, a Muslim is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim.

He told me this: This is what many people do not know! A Muslim guy can marry a non- Muslim woman, but a Muslim woman cannot marry a non- Muslim man, in fact, it is haram to accept his proposal. You know why? Because the man is the head of the family, and he could guide his wife.

I thought, "Eh, yeke?" but I did not argue with him because my knowledge in Islam is still shallow.

Anyway, his wife, could read, understand and speak Arabic within one year.

I said: I could read Arabic, but I could not understand the language. I read the translation.

He said: You should!

And he went on about how I will be questioned by God in the after-life and complimented on my good hasanah (good intention), although, I did not really say I was planning to learn Arabic.

Allah knows everything, I do not need to speak Arabic for Him to understand me!

Anyway, I love the new, young mufti of Perlis:

MURTAD: Antara emosi dan realiti.

MURTAD adalah ungkapan yang menakutkan. Tidak ada mukmin yang sebenar tidak berasa sensitif atau ketakutan apabila perkataan murtad dikaitkan dengannya. Bahkan mukmin yang sejati apabila mendengar perkataan murtad atau kufur akan menyebut dalam jiwanya, "aku pohon perlindungan dengan Allah dari itu semua." Allah berfirman dalam s urah al-Baqarah: 217: (maksudnya) dan sesiapa di antara kamu yang murtad (berpaling tadah) dari agamanya (agama Islam), lalu dia mati dalam keadaan kafir, maka mereka itu rosaklah amalan (yang baik) mereka di dunia dan di akhirat, dan mereka itulah ahli neraka, kekal mereka di dalamnya (selama-lamanya).

Murtad jika menjadi satu fenomena ia akan mengancam masyarakat muslim. Jika masyarakat itu telah membentuk negara muslim, ia akan mengancam identiti negara tersebut. Maka fenomena murtad sangat berbahaya serta boleh mencetuskan perubahan identiti atau maruah sesebuah negara muslim. Dalam masyarakat hari ini, kita menangkap dan mengambil tindakan kepada penyalahgunaan dadah. Walaupun mudarat langsung itu kelihatan berlaku kepada diri individu, namun jika ia menjadi arus, ia akan mengancam identiti dan keseimbangan sesebuah masyarakat.

Maka tidak hairan apabila murtad menjadi gelombang yang mengancam kestabilan maka Abu Bakar mengambil tindakan memerangi mereka. Hakikat ini tidak wajar dipertikaikan oleh seorang muslim.

Namun dalam suasana sekarang ini, saya ingin mengajak persoalan ini dilihat luar dari sempadan emosi, tetapi atas kerangka tanggungjawab agama dan kepentingan umat. Langkah pencegahan ke arah murtad perlu dilakukan secara bersungguh. Ini sesuatu yang kita sepakati. Di samping sesuatu yang perlu kita tahu bahawa seseorang itu menjadi murtad apabila dia melanggar batasan akidah Islam secara sedar, faham dan tidak dipaksa. Sama ada pelanggaran itu dalam bentuk perkataan, atau perbuatan, atau keyakinan. Apabila pelanggaran itu dilakukan seperti menghina Allah dan Rasul-Nya, atau mengisytiharkan diri telah keluar atau ingin keluar dari Islam maka dia menjadi murtad.

Kemurtadan ini tetap berlaku sama ada disahkan atau tidak disahkan oleh mana- mana pihak. Pernyataan agama dalam kad pengenalan bukanlah penentu sebenar kepada hakikat akidah seseorang. Ia hanya untuk urusan kemasyarakatan atau pentadbiran. Ini bererti sekiranya kita berjaya menahan seribu orang yang mengisytihar diri keluar dari Islam agar tidak dapat menukar agama kad pengenalannya, kita sebenarnya hanya menyimpan seribu orang murtad yang akan bertopeng dalam masyarakat muslim sahaja. Apa jadi, jika kad pengenalan itu dijadikan ukuran oleh beberapa pihak lalu berkahwinlah golongan murtad ini dengan orang-orang Islam yang sebenar?

Mereka juga mungkin menguasai institusi-institusi agama atas kebijaksanaan mereka dalam bidang tertentu, sedangkan mereka murtad. Akhirnya kita menyimpan barah yang amat berbahaya dalam tubuh umat. Maka sekadar pertahankan perubahan agama pada kad pengenalan semata, bukan satu kejayaan. Bahkan mungkin menjadi musibah jika berleluasa pada suatu hari nanti. Kejayaan yang sebenar adalah mengembalikan mereka ke pangkuan Islam secara reda dan menghilangkan kekeliruan mereka mengenai agama ini.
Berikutnya, kita jangan sampai diperdayakan oleh musuh dengan meletakkan angka murtad sehingga ratusan ribu. Walaupun ada, ia tidak sampai kepada angka tersebut. Jangan pula kita mudah menghukum orang lain murtad hanya atas khabar angin. Apakah kita ingin menghidupkan suasana kafir-mengkafir atas andaian semata. Perbuatan itu hanya memporak- perandakan masyarakat Islam.

Meletakkan angka yang sebesar itu hanya melancarkan agenda musuh-musuh Islam. Ia akan menyebabkan dunia menekan negara agar tidak mengabaikan hak jumlah manusia yang ratusan ribu itu. Lantas usaha ke arah murtad mendapat sokongan dunia luar.

Kedua, meletakkan jumlah yang sedemikian besar, hanya akan mematahkan semangat mereka yang ingin menganut Islam dan usaha ke arah mengajak manusia kepada Islam. Alangkah malunya, ketika umat Islam dunia Barat yang ditekan sedang giat dan berjaya mengislamkan saban hari jumlah begitu banyak penduduk Barat sedangkan kita kalut dengan cerita orang murtad. Padahal tidak ada kerajaan yang memberikan keistimewaan kepada umat Islam di Barat. Apatah lagi perlembagaan yang boleh dikaitkan dengan Islam. Tiba- tiba dalam negara yang banyak masjid, ceramah agama di sana sini, ada pejabat agama dan mufti, pelbagai pertubuhan Islam wujud, perlembagaannya menyebut Islam, ustaz-ustaznya pun banyak duit ceramah yang telah dihasilkan, mufti-muftinya pun ramai yang berjenama mewah, slogan Islam pun banyak kedengaran di sana sini, lalu kita isytiharkan ratusan ribu telah murtad.

Sedangkan umat Islam Barat yang lebih mencabar keadaan mereka itu mengisytiharkan ratusan ribu yang menganut Islam. Bahkan begitu banyak gereja bertukar menjadi masjid. Padahal tidak ada mahkamah syariah pun di negara-negara tersebut. Namun mereka berdakwah dengan penuh amanah dan kesarjanaan. Lantas, manusia berbondong-bondong menganut Islam.
Aduhai malangnya kita. Jika hal yang berlaku sebaliknya. Kalau begitu, barangkali elok sahaja kita pencenkan menteri Jakim, mufti-mufti kesemuanya yang sewaktu dengan mereka kerana ternyata gagal mempertahan dan menjelaskan Islam yang agung ini kepada umat.

Kita juga hendaklah mengkaji sebab-sebab murtad di negara ini. Jangan hanya menuding jari ke pihak lain, tanpa melihat kepada diri kita sendiri. Jika kita teliti, ramai yang ingin meninggalkan Islam terdiri daripada mereka yang dahulunya beragama lain. Mereka menganut Islam kadangkala disebabkan faktor perkahwinan. Apabila berlaku perceraian, mereka hilang tempat bergantung. Masyarakat Islam pula ramai yang kurang prihatin terhadap saudara baru. Lalu mereka tiada pilihan, terpaksa kembali kepada keluarga asal atau masyarakat yang lebih memahami mereka. Sebab itu, saya mencadangkan masjid Cina. Antara sebabnya membolehkan mereka bertemu dengan yang senasib atau yang lebih faham tentang diri mereka. Lalu berlaku bantu-membantu. Juga proses pemahaman Islam lebih lancar dan mudah. Itu pun ada yang membantah cadangan tersebut. Kononnya hendak jaga identiti Melayu.

Takut berpecah antara sesama Islam yang berlainan bangsa. Itulah andaian emosi tanpa satu kajian. Padahal, apa yang berlaku sekarang bukan sekadar berpecah, bahkan keluar agama!
Baru-baru ini ada saudara baru yang minta hendak menganut Islam di hadapan saya. Katanya, dia telah ke pejabat agama sebuah negeri tetapi ditolak beberapa kali kerana lidahnya tidak dapat menyebut ucapan syahadah dengan baik. Inilah sikap buruk sesetengah kita yang menghalang orang hendak menganut Islam. Barangkali ustaz berkenaan kalau boleh bacaan tajwid orang yang hendak menganut Islam pun hendak diujinya. Ya syeikh! Islam dianuti bukan kerana kefasihan lidah, tetapi keyakinan dan akidah!

Amatlah pelik, bagi agama yang indah, harmoni dan dipenuhi pula dengan hujah dan alasan, tiba-tiba ada pula yang tidak puas hati dengannya dan ingin meninggalkannya. Padahal saluran penerangan Islam begitu luas dalam negara ini. Sedangkan Islam sudah sempurna. Tidak ada masalah dengan inti kandungannya. Ia agama yang mampu dicabar. Firman Allah dalam surah al-Baqarah ayat 111: (maksudnya): Dan mereka (Yahudi dan Nasrani) berkata pula: "Tidak sekali-kali akan masuk syurga melainkan orang-orang yang berugama Yahudi atau Nasrani." Yang demikian itu hanyalah angan-angan mereka sahaja. Katakanlah (Wahai Muhammad): "Bawalah bukti-bukti kamu itu, jika betul kamu orang-orang yang benar."

Apa yang tinggal untuk dipersoalkan adalah sikap penganutnya. Manusia lari meninggalkan Islam kerana sikap penganutnya atau huraian Islam yang salah. Bukan kerana Islam. Kita gagal membina benteng yang mampu mempertahankan Islam. Kita lebih suka menyalahkan orang lain apabila kita lemah. Saya ambil contoh dalam masalah Bible dalam bahasa melayu. Saya bukan ingin mengatakan dibolehkan atau tidak. Tetapi sehingga bila kita ingin menjerit dan membantah. Kita bimbang anak-anak kita terpengaruh dengan Bible jika ianya dalam bahasa Melayu. Apakah kita tidak bimbang jika anak kita pandai bahasa Inggeris dan nanti dia boleh baca Bible dalam bahasa Inggeris pula? Tidak inginkah pula kita mengharamkan bahasa Inggeris untuk anak-anak kita? Apa pula yang hendak kita buat dengan Internet yang seseorang mampu mendapatkan apa sahaja daripadanya? Apa kita kata jika kita dapati ada satu bangsa yang takut orang- orangnya diberi kesempatan membaca al- Quran terjemahan dalam bahasa mereka. Tentu kita akan kata; mereka takut sebab al-Quran itu benar. Demikianlah orang lain fikir tentang kitab mereka apabila dihalang. Sehingga bila kita mampu menghalang? Sepatutnya kita membina benteng ketahanan yang kuat. Lihat apa yang dibuat oleh Ahmad Deedat dan Dr. Zakir Naik dalam menjawab Bible. Orang menganut Islam apabila mendengar mereka membahaskan Bible. Huraikan Bible secara ilmiah dan buktikan kebenaran al-Quran dan Islam. Ustaz-ustaz mesti meningkatkan kemampuan menguasai bidang yang pelbagai sesuai dengan tuntutan zaman. Bukan asyik kempen kismis jampi sahaja. Kocek penuh, umat lari. Jawab segala tuduhan terhadap Islam dengan penuh wibawa dan ilmiah. Bukan emosi semata. Bahkan kalau perlu dihuraikan Das Kapital pun huraikanlah sekalipun dalam masjid. Namun apabila ceramah dan syarahan agama lebih banyak jenaka dan lawak 'tak pandai' maka pelbagai tohmahan terhadap Islam gagal ditangkis dengan mantap. Sedangkan al-Quran mengajar pelbagai isi dan cara berdialog menghadapai Ahl al-Kitab. Antaranya Allah menyebutkan: (maksudnya) Dan janganlah kamu berbahas dengan Ahli Kitab melainkan dengan cara yang lebih baik, kecuali orang- orang yang berlaku zalim di antara mereka; dan katakanlah (kepada mereka): "Kami beriman kepada (al-Quran) yang diturunkan kepada Kami dan kepada (Taurat dan Injil) yang diturunkan kepada kamu; dan Tuhan kami, juga Tuhan kamu, adalah satu; dan kepada-Nyalah Kami patuh dengan berserah diri." (al-Ankabut: 46).

Anak-anak kaum muslimin mustahil akan terpengaruh dengan Bible jika mereka membaca al-Quran. Ada yang kata: masalahnya mereka tidak baca al-Quran. Kita tanya; jika al-Quran pun mereka tidak minat baca, macam mana pula mereka berminat membaca Bible? Atau barangkali di rumah mereka tidak ada al-Quran terjemahan? Ataupun mungkin juga cara al-Quran dihuraikan oleh sesetengah kita menjadikan orang salah faham atau tidak minat dengan al-Quran.

Apa yang penting, kita mesti bina ketahanan diri dalam kefahaman umat Islam di Malaysia ini. Sejauh manakah kita hendak bertahan dengan jeritan dan bantahan terhadap orang lain, jika kita sendiri lemah. Umat Islam di negara Barat tanpa pelbagai keistimewaan seperti kita tetapi mampu menyebarkan Islam. Bahkan selepas 11 September al-Quran dilaporkan begitu laris di pasaran mereka. Mengapa kita sebaliknya?

Ramai yang memperkatakan hukuman murtad. Saya tidak ingin melebarkan khilaf fuqaha di sini. Namun kita tidak melaksanakan langkah-langkah yang diperintahkan syarak sebelum menghukum orang murtad. Hasil dari nas-nas hadis dan amalan sahabah, para fuqaha menyatakan hendaklah orang murtad itu diberikan ruang perbincangan, dihilangkan kekeliruannya mengenai agama dan diajak bertaubat (lihat: Abd al-Halim 'Uwais, Mausu'ah al-Fiqh al-Islami al-Mu'asir, 3/438).

Proses ini penting, sebelum kita sibuk memperkatakan tentang hukuman. Proses ini boleh dibuat oleh pelbagai pihak. Tidak semesti memerlukan kuasa. Namun hanya sedikit yang melakukannya. Banyak perkara yang mengelirukan umat Islam pada zaman ini. Manusia mungkin murtad disebabkan kurangnya penjelasan yang meyakinkan. Sikap, tindakan dan pentafsiran sesetengah pihak di kalangan umat Islam juga boleh menyebabkan orang bingung dengan Islam. Tiba-tiba apabila mereka murtad terus sahaja ada pihak yang memperkatakan tentang hukuman sebelum mendengar dan membuat penjelasan secara mantap dan adil, mana mungkin jiwa yang merdeka dapat menerimanya. Proses penerangan dan dialog tentang Islam dengan cara yang lebih terbuka dan berani patut dilakukan. Di negara lain, tokoh-tokoh umat Islam sudah lama mampu menyampaikan penerangan tentang Islam sehingga di gereja dan di pelbagai saluran.

Hari ini tidak ada Abu Bakar yang mampu menolong kita. Apa yang patut kita fikirkan adalah membina ketahanan umat agar kukuh kefahamannya terhadap Islam. Pengukuhan itu tidak akan berlaku jika pihak yang menerangkan Islam itu sendiri rapuh kefahamannya dan menakutkan pula wataknya. Lebih penting isu murtad jangan dijadikan sebagai peluang untuk mempromosi diri, persatuan atau modal politik. Sebaliknya lihat ia sebagai tanggungjawab bersama yang mesti ditangani secara ilmiah, bukan sentimen.


Dr. Mohd. Asri Zainul Abidin ialah Mufti Kerajaan Negeri Perlis.