drama mama.

Have you ever felt suicidal before?

When I was 18 or 19, I always thought of how I was going to kill. I knew I am not brave enough to slit my wrist or hang myself, so I thought, jumping from the 18th floor is the easiest way to die.
As I know suicide is not accepted in Islam, and I really want to go to heaven, I imaginatively created another way to die:
- Stand by the window, somebody surprises me, I lose control, fall.
or
- Suddely is woken up by bees swarming over me, I close my eyes, I cannot see, I run and run, and fall.

Both are accidental, so, it is not really my fault if I died, eh?

How severe was this thought? Lets say, whenever I was taking a break from studying, I would look at the window and imagined myself doing the above.
Sometimes, I really stood by the window and bent my body halfway.

One other reason why I like to stand by the window is I like how night breeze brushes softly onto my skin. I feel livelier everytime. Just like when I am at the beach.

Why I wanted to die? Because I thought I was going to fail my exams. I fear the embarassment the most. I'd rather die than repeating my course or settle down for something less than expected.

Oh, did I tell you there was someone who jumped off the building? From the 11th floor, I think. I heard his scream. Or was it the scream of someone who saw him fall? I don't know, but a scary scream that I ignored because I thought it was just another stressed student screaming in the exam season.
I saw his body. I saw big cars came and went. I saw the ambulance and the police cars. I saw his friends.

I thought, wow, somebody actually fell from this building, just like my vision. Thank God he was not me!

I was the craziest at this age, driving madly and secretly hoping I would be involved in an accident, just because I didn't want to study for my exams. I thought, if I was hospitalized, I couldn't sit for the exams.

I passed my exams with flying colours, shocking not only me, but my parents, lecturers and some of my friends.
I am not that stupid afterall.
Cuma drama mama sahaja...Hehehe...

Now, I no longer have suicidal thoughts but I get more depressed.
I don't know how severe is my depression, I am never close to anyone who has depression before.

I cry for no reason.
I notice I cannot be left alone or this depression would cloud over me. Betulkan, bila keseorangan, memang banyak setan.

Do a depressed person know that he/ she is depressed initially?
At what stage should I consult a doctor about this?

Or is this another drama mama part of me?

My first 20 postsecrets.

1- I want to send in my secrets but I can't find the time.

2- I want to send in my secrets but I don't know how my postcards should look like.

3- I want to send in my secrets but I'm afraid someone would know it's me.

4- I cry when I read their secrets on the website.

5- I wish postsecrets.com had an archive so I could go through all previous secrets. All I could do now is search 'postsecrets' on youtube.

6- My parents are not as bad as I described them in my blog. They are good in everything else.

7- I wish I could be a housewife. But that would be such a waste to all the years in university. And nobody supports me in this, not even my boyfriend.

8- After I give birth, I want to take some years off from working and spend my time with my baby. When I told this to my friends, they laughed. As if I was being an unreasonable career woman.

9- I sometimes, just want to be: ORDINARY. Because I am not that special, really. It is easier that way.

10- I waste time. I hate it. But I can't find a solution to this problem.

11- I don't want to be a role model because I am not perfect.

12- I wish karma didn't exist. I don't want the bad things I did to repeat themselves on me.

13- I miss my friends when we were in high schools. Those times were so much fun. I hate drifting away from them.

14- My new friends are not the same like my highschool friends. I feel so lonely.

15- Sometimes, I want them to know I'm in pain, even though I am smiling.

16- How I wish it was easy to quit...But life is not that simple.

17- I used to have crushes on bloggers. Because I imagine they were as beautiful as what they've written.

18- I want to make friends with other bloggers, but I have to remain anonymous.

19- I DON'T WANT SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ME TO FIND THIS BLOG.

20- God has given me most things and I am grateful. But sometimes, I forget and I pretend like I am inadequate so I could complaint like everyone else, just so to be a part of the rest of the world. Because life is not perfect, ain't it?

Losing weight 2

(1)
The first time I was concerned about my weight was...when I was 16.

Family members, friends and even teachers (yes! Teachers!) began to notice how chubby my cheeks had became.

After getting their remarks, everything I owned seemed to appear smaller. Pants were tighter.

I blamed my puberty. I was a late bloomer, that's why I changed rapidly, from a ruler-shaped girl to a pear-shaped lady.

Another problem was, I am the kind who finishes everything on my plate. I do not waste food. Therefore, the only solution to this was NOT TO EAT ANYTHING AT ALL.

So, I did not eat for more than 24 hours. I only drank water. After 24 hours, I felt so weak, I ate an apple to supply energy to my body.

I did not tell anybody because I knew they would stop me.

Yes, I was the 16-year-old who desperately need want to lose weight.

I knew I couldn't lose weight overnight, but I was so sick of people talking about my weight. I probably wanted to punish these people and myself. If I fainted, everybody would worry about me and after finding out the reason of why I fainted, they would stop commenting about my weight and I would be happier.


I was not even that fat. Because I was skinny and I gained weight in a few months, I was relatively fatter than usual.

And they could use other words other than 'gemuk'! How about chubby, 'berisi' or etc etc. Gemuk/ fat is BMI over 25 okay! I was under the underweight category, then gained weight to be in the normal range, and they called me fat!

Anyway, after that 24 hours of straving and not fainting, I was disappointed and I decided not to give a damn about how my body look like. I took small steps like fasting and reducing the amount of food I put on my plates (because I just have to finish everything on my plate, you see, so, less food on my plate means less calories intake).

Now, I am happy of the way I am, and I will not care what people say about my body.


Isn't it funny, they have so much time observing my body, don't they have anything else to do?

(2)
When my niece was seven years old, she refused to eat rice. She only eat things she likes. One day, my mother was feeding her, but she kept watching the TV, ignoring my mother.

"Why don't you want to eat? Are you on a diet?" I jokingly asked my niece.

To my surprise, she said, "Yes, I am on a diet".

"Why are you dieting?"

Her exact words were, "Semua orang perempuan kena diet!"

I was bewildered, "No! Only fat people need to go on a diet. And you are not fat! Do you hear me? You are not fat!"

(3)
My friend is into sports and she takes good care of herself.

She eats based on what she should eat for the day (the things you would find at the back of the food package- the recommended daily intakes).

The typical things she says are:

- I need to finish this because I have only eaten 800 calories today.
- No, thank you. I have consumed all my calories for the day.

She is weird. I pity her because she gets the 'rolled-eyes' all the time.

Losing weight

I think I am not fat. Of course I am not fat.

In fact, I am happy with the body I have now. My boyfriend was attracted to my body shape first before he decided to approach me. So, that indicates something good eh? I told my guy friend about this and he agreed, I am not fat, I have a nice body. A bit flat on the chest. Okay, I lied, my boobies are actually very small....

But, I live with friends who are concerned about their looks.

I have a friend (Aminah) who is lighter than I am by a few kgs, same height, but she is convinced that I look thinner than she is.

She began to take pills that resulted in late menstruation because she took more than the recommended dosage. She collapsed once after working out because she starved herself. She even throws up after heavy meals.

Until a few months ago, she thought the smallest UK size is size 8. She is a size 8. After she found out that the smallest size is actually size 6, she is determined to squeeze into that dress size.

I am worried about her because her behaviour is affecting me as well. Now, I feel guilty if I am able to finish the food portion I order while she is puking everytime we go out together.

And she is not even a model nor a stewardess!

Another friend of mine (Bedah) is naturally thin. Well, she wasn't, but she seems to lose weight rapidly by itself.

Aminah adores Bedah's skinny legs and is always comparing herself with Bedah.

Aminah spends her time online surfing for websites on how to lose weight.

She makes me feel fat.

Bedah and I repeatedly tell her that she looks fine.

How small do you want to be?!

Her boyfriend even likes the fleshy type of girls. That's why everytime her boyfriend says she is pretty just the way she is, she would brush him off, "You like my body means my body is fat!"

So, the newspaper said 20% of the women population in Malaysia have 3G syndrome. Gebu, gempal, gemuk.

I am always afraid if I become fat one day. But I love food! Why can't I eat anything I like without worrying how bad the food is to my body?!

I am also afraid if I become fat after I give birth.

Risau, risau...