I've kissed sins

My friend said she has never been bothered to watch what she eats everytime she is abroad.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because...Jaga atau tidak, sama saja," she said.

"I don't get what are you trying to say here," I was confused.

"My ex-bf was a Chinese, right? He eats pork, he drinks alcohol...And I kissed him everyday when I was with him...So, in a way, I've tasted them all..."

"Ahhh???"

Yeah, then it struck me. I've never thought of it this way. As much as I try to select my food everytime I am abroad, I actually have tasted them all, because I've kissed non-Muslims and alcohol consumers before!

Banyaknya dosa aku!

Cinta Alan

I used to know a Parisian, a Frenchman, an architect named Alan.

I don't know why, but I have a 'thing' for architects. I just love men with that profession. I used to imagine they were good-looking, decent and smart. But that was not the reason I agreed to go out with Alan.

Alan was nice and I thought I was representing the Malay Malaysian community, so, he could get to know us better.

He was successful, he worked in various countries such as Indonesia and Japan before. I was impressed.

So, we went jalan-jalan. He was a gentleman, holding my hands, opened doors, offered seats to me etc the usual things that make us feel special, which most Malaysian men tend to forget.

Alan told me about his family, his job, his previous relationships and the people he had slept with. He told me about how a married Chinese lady who wanted to have sex with him but he refused because he just didn't do colleagues. I liked having conversations with him. He brought me to bars and drank beers. He said, "I only drink on weekends. I don't drink when I am working. It is against my principle".

At one of the restaurants, he studied my hand, trying to be a fortune tellar. He said my hands were soft, and he kissed my cheeks.

He perfectly understood why I don't drink: because I am a Muslim. He introduced me to his friends and his friends told me nice things about Alan, despite their lack of English.

At one of the last bars that we went to, Alan confessed that he liked me. He said I was interesting and pretty. I was flattered, of course. No wonder he was being extra nice to me, putting his arm over my shoulders and around my waist, holding my hands etc. I thought he was just being the typical Parisian. You know what they say about Frenchman, romantic...

But I knew things were moving too fast. I told him it was too soon for me to decide whether I liked him back. I mean, I liked him, but not to that extent.

One night, he invited me to dinner. I agreed. He brought me to his apartment because I was excited when he told me he was a skilled cook. I specifically instructed him not to cook pork or have alcohol as an ingredient. He said he would cook fish.

Entering his apartment was something new to me. It was a different atmosphere. Have you ever entered an artist home before? I found out he was an artist as well. He drew many potraits, even a nude picture of one of his friends I had met earlier.

Little did I know Alan was craving to have sex with me.

He was honest, and asked to have sex with me many times before but I politely declined. I gave him many reasons: I am not ready, I am a virgin, I want to wait for the right man, I believe in sex after marriage, I am having my period and I am Muslim, I don't fuck around. Somehow, whenever he asked to have sex with me, I was not offended and he was not irritating at all.

While drinking his beers, he cooked in the kitchen. Once in a while, he checked on me, making sure I was comfortable, and we french-kissed.

He said, "Why do you kiss me if you don't like me?"

I said, "Well...I did not kiss you, you kissed me!"

Oh, and for your information, I was never sexy in front of Alan. All I wore were a pair of jeans and a simple top.

He explained to me about his paintings, and kissed me, I turned my face away and he served me a glass of orange juice and kissed me, and again, I made faces. I made sure I looked at him when he poured me the drink, just in case if he was trying to drug me or something.

I didn't want to lead him on, I even made it clear to him that we were just two friends having dinner together.

His apartment had a nice view. There we were, appreciating the beauty of the scenery, (konon-kononnya romantik and I think he was hoping I would melt) when he began to kiss and touch me all over. I pushed him slightly, I said, "I told you, I do not want to have sex with you".

"Why?" he asked.
"Because I am a virgin, and I am planning to stay that way!" my voice raised.

"But I like you. You will like me too after we make love".
"NO!"
"Look, no commitment. If you don't like me tomorrow, it is okay. But if you still like me tomorrow, then I will commit to you. Let's just try for one night".
"I said 'No'! I think I should leave!"

I walked to the door. He stopped me.

"Okay...I respect you. Lets just have dinner."
I looked at him and said, "Okay".

I was sitting at the sofa when he said, "Please sleep at my house tonight. I promise, no sex, just talking. I want to get to know you better".

"Alan, I think I wanna go home now".
"Why?"
"I don't want to sleep at your house"
"But it is getting late!"
"It is okay, you don't have to send me home. I will find my way"
"But...Wait!" he pulled my hand. He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
"I am very sure" I was really afraid that time. What if this Alan tried to rape me? I prayed to God to tebalkan imanku dan tidak terjatuh dalam perangkap maksiat Alan. Chewahh....Hehehehe...But, seriously, I was scared.

I was so scared, I was preparing myself to scream if he did anything weird.

"Fine. Just let me turn off the stove and take my house keys".
"Okay".
"Sit down".
"No, I will wait here, at the door".

So, he walked me to a station (LRT station, train station, bus station, commuter station? Hehe. I'll keep you guessing). He bought a ticket for me, and waited with me.

He apologized and he said I had hurt him.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" Alan asked.
"I am busy tomorrow," I answered.
"How about the day after?"
"You have to see my friends and I".
"I only want to see you," he said, almost pleading.

I didn't reply straight away.

"I am sorry, but I don't think I could see you again," I finally broke the silence.
"Are you sure?"
"I am pretty sure".
"Is that what you really wish for?"
"Yes".

Silence.

"Then, erase my number," he said, challenging.
"Okay," I replied, taking out my mobile phone, erasing his number.
"You can't contact me after this," Alan said.
"I know. I don't want you to contact me again," I said.

He looked sad, so I tried to console him, the least painful way, "Look, you are a nice guy and all. But we are different. I am sure you will find someone you really like. But, you and I, this could not work. We are too different".

"But I really like you".

Silence.

"May I kiss you for one last time?"
Hish, mamat ni....Getting annoying pulak dah!

I nodded.
He kissed me long and gently.

He looked at me, "Are you sure?"
Konon I would feel something after the kiss la tuh....

I nodded.

"You go home. I am fine..." I wanted him to leave.
"I'll wait with you".

And my ride came.
He kissed me on the cheek, and I left him.

That was the day I almost got screwed!
I didn't tell anybody because they would scold me bad....

Aku dan Dolah

Dipetik dari http://hafeziftiqar.blogspot.com

Sendirian dalam gelita. Takut! Takut! Takut! Gelap. Rupanya dia telah mati. “Rehmat kaki todi mati.” Heboh satu kampung. “Senyap, tak baik kata benda buruk walhal tuan punya badan tengah gelisah bimbang disoal malaikat kubur.” Kata Pak Mat kepada aku yang masih budak-budak. Aku belum sunat lagi. Tahun depan baru emak suruh masuk jawi. Aku tak suka sunat-sunat ni. Sakit! Tengok Dolah kena sunat dah buat aku gelisah. Waktu dia kangkang atas batang pisang, elok Tok Mudim janggut kambing tunjuk saja pisau, dia lari. Lintang pukang. Dua tiga orang kejar dia. Dia lari tak ubah macam kerbau terlepas dari tambatan. Habis diredah semak samun. Dulu dia yang beritahu aku dalam semak samun tu ada ular besar betis dia. Dia dah tak peduli ular besar betis. Dia cuma takut anu dia kena potong dengan mudim janggut kambing. “Habis... nanti aku nak kencing macam mana kalau anu aku kena kerat?” Tanya Dolah sehari sebelum kena sunat. “Kencing ikut mulut la!” Kata Zaki yang telah masuk jawi tahun lepas sebelum ketawa geli hati. Muka Dolah pucat betul, pucat macam muka Rehmat yang dah mati semalam. Aku tak percaya. Aku tak pernah tengok abah atau abang aku kencing ikut mulut. Tapi Dolah percaya. Dia tak boleh fikir betul barang kali kerana terlampau takut.

Orang kampung benci betul pada Rehmat. Aku pun benci juga. Dia selalu kacau aku dan Dolah main tuju tin. Kalau dia nampak kami bermain tuju tin, sengaja dia sepak tin yang kami susun bertingkat-tingkat. Dolah selalu mengadu pada Makcik Yam. “Mak, Rehmat muka hodoh kacau kami main, dia sepak tin kami,” adu Dolah pada emaknya. “Huh... kalau selalu buat dosa, perangai pun hodoh, muka tak jernih, orang tengok pun benci. Kamu berdua nanti jangan jadi macam Rehmat.” Kata Makcik Yam sambil memandang muka aku dan Dolah gilir-gilir. Kejahatan Rehmat bukan lagi rahsia di kalangan penduduk kampung. Setahu aku, Rehmat itu tak beribubapa. Rehmat kaki todi, kaki perempuan dan kaki embun. Jenuh orang nasihat Rehmat suruh bertaubat, tapi dia tak mahu. Masa muda untuk ronggeng katanya. Itu sebab Rehmat selalu ulang-alik pergi Siam. Cari perempuan kata Dolah. Rehmat pun kaki judi. Muka dia memang pelanggan setia kedai judi. Sembahyang Jumaat haram tak datang. Kadang-kadang khatib baca khutbah, Rehmat pasang Inul Gelek Gerudi kuat-kuat. Memang jelas dengar waktu kami bersolat Jumaat. “Macam mana kau tahu Inul Gelek Gerudi?” Tanya aku kepada Dolah. “Mak aku pun selalu dengar Inul Gelek Gerudi, tu sebab aku tahu.” Kata Dolah. “Gerudi? Macam gerudi kayu? Gelek, gelek, gelek?” Tanya aku. “Kau usah tengok. Kau budak kecik lagi. Berdosa, kau tahu! Mak aku tak apa, dia perempuan.” Kata Dolah. Lantak kau lah Dolah... Kau tengok, kau pun berdosa!

Dolah lari mengengkang dalam hutan lalang. Tak berbaju, cuma sehelai kain pelikat. Dia takut kena sunat, khatan atau masuk jawi. Aku gelak. Dolah takut anu dia hilang kena potong dek tok mudim. Dia takut nanti dia kena kencing ikut mulut. Dua tiga orang kejar Dolah. Sehebat-hebat Dolah yang pernah menang lumba lari 100 meter di sekolah, hebat lagi abah dia. Dolah kena tangkap. Dolah nangis-nangis. “Kenapa kamu lari?” Tanya Abah Dolah, Pakcik Seman. “Takut cacat! Takut cacat! Takut cacat!” Kata Dolah. “Tak mahu kencing ikut mulut! Takut cacat!” Kata Dolah sambil menangis teresak-esak. Pakcik Seman ketawa. Dolah kena dukung dan didudukkan di atas batang pisang semula. “Tak cacatnya, mana ada kena kencing ikut mulut. Tengok abah, tengok semua orang besar, ada kena kencing ikut mulut?” Tanya Pakcik Seman. “Mudim janggut kambing kencing ikut mulut!” Kata Dolah. “Dia bukan kencing, dia ludah sirih, tu sebab ludah dia warna merah!” Kata Pakcik Seman. Mudim janggut kambing ketawa. Aku mengintip takut-takut di celah bilah tingkap. Zap! Dolah meraung. Anu dia sudah kena kerat dek mudim janggut kambing.

“Macam kena rentap nyawa!” Kata Dolah yang terbaring. “Macam mana kau tahu? Kau bukan pernah mati.” Tanyaku. “Aku tahulah. Kau pergi tengok mayat Rehmat kena tanam pagi tadi?” Tanya Dolah. “Tak pergi, aku nak tengok anu kau kena bunuh dengan mudim janggut kambing.” Kataku.

Dengar cerita, Rehmat mati waktu dia mabuk-mabuk. Dia kena langgar dan mati di tempat kejadian. Rehmat tak sempat bertaubatlah. Urusan taubat jangan buat main-main. Mati tak kenal usia. Lepas kamu habis baca tulisan aku ini, mungkin kamu akan mati. Dulu bapak kepada Zaki kata, kalau dah sampai ajal, takkan cepat atau lewat sesaat. Jangan ingat muda macam Rehmat tak boleh mati. Lepas mati kamu takkan hidup balik. Itu yang jadi masalah. Ada disebut dalam Quran orang merayu-rayu untuk balik ke dunia beribadat tapi Tuhan kata ‘no way!’ Lepas tu masuk nerakalah engkau. Api neraka berganda panas daripada api dunia. Paling ringan pun dah mendidih otak.

“Kau tak takut mati?” Tanya Dolah tiba-tiba. “Takut.” Kataku. “Kenapa?” Tanya Dolah. “Takut kena buli dengan arwah Rehmat.” Kataku. Dolah ketawa. Aku ketawa. "Kalau mati boleh main tuju tin?" Dolah ketawa. Aku ketawa. Tiba-tiba kami senyap. Teringat mati. Kami masih kecil tapi kami takut kalau mati macam Rehmat. Tak sempat bertaubat.

TAMAT.

Pure and naive

I once worked as a part-time waitress in a hotel to raise enough money to buy a prom dress.

That was the first time I saw Malay men drank alcohol.

As a waitress, I was required to serve these customers. I refused.
I pretended to be busy with something else so my colleagues had to do the job.

Alcohol is haram.
Serving alcohols is bersubahat.

After the event, we had to clean the banquet hall. This means, clearing the table tops and changing the tablecloths.

I avoided alcohol up the point that I only cleaned 'clean' tables. Tables with no beer spills. I didn't even touch the beer mugs.

In the changing room, I was worried if I smelled like beer.

That is how pure I was, years ago. Pure and naive.

I want to be pure but not naive.