I want to break free....

Sach main zindagi ne bahut kuch sikha diya,

Jaane kab itna bada bana diya......

I see a girl running, she’s just running ,running so fast as if she was running for her life ,but the truth is she’s running away from her life.So far into the horizon till she is not able to see the world she lives in ,till the time its just her and her alone. And no one else.

And that girl is me.

Really ,its been enough.Its been ages since I had a good nights sleep…can’t remember when was the last time I slept without a troublesome head ,without my mind buzzing with troublesome thoughts devoid of any peace.

On the face of it nothing is really wrong.I go to office everyday ,do my job ,come back ,have a chat with my guy,talk to my parents and doze off.But inside me I just want to quit everything and run away,far far away from it all to a place where I am all alone.Just me and myself.

For once,I don’t want to think about others,I just want to think of myself.I just want to care about myself.I just want to LIVE FOR MYSELF.

I don’t want to do this job to earn money for me and my family’s security.

I don’t want to save the money that I earn for my marriage,I want to spend it all away,on luxury.

I don’t want to take a new job in the new city,I just want to quit and sit at home.

I don’t want to think that if I don’t get a pedicure done I will save 300 Rs.

I don’t want to take any responsibilities,I want to be that little girl once again.

I don’t want to change myself for anyone.

I don't want to give others the strength,which I myself don't have.

No one is asking me to do the above things, only the situation.

The burden is too heavy for me,God .Looks so difficult to take more of it. And yet can’t do anything about it.

For all those girls who are living their lives for themselves , you are lucky, lucky that God has given you that kind of life. Coz when you start living for others, its hard to find yourself back again.

Its been ages..

Yes,its been ages..

More than an year after I write back in Soul curry..I went to Kolkata and cudn't keep up with it..May be coz I dint have a laptop..and neither the time..But majorly coz everything went so great there that I probably dint feel the need...the need to write here..talk to myself..clear my thoughts..That's what this blog has always been..My strength.. I started this blog at a time when I was totally down n out..Most of the posts I wrote here were to give myself the strength to face life in spite of everything that had happened..and "strength" it did give..Bundles of it..

Because this blog has always been a reflection of my thoughts and my life ..I just wanna update it with whatever has happened in my life for the past 1 year..You know why?Coz it was the most beautiful year of my life...An year that changed me completely..that made me love and live life the way I had almost forgotten to do .

Quick updates

-I am in love..would like to put it as pyaar main pagal..foud my jigar ka tukda in Kolkata itself..and no hes not a bengaali..diili ka hi hai sadda munda..heera hai heera! oki enuf bakwaas..but yeah crazily in love with him..theres just so much i wanna pen down bout this special someone and so ill let that be in the next post!

-I was a pukka Delhiite when I left...no city cud I love more than Delhi...but things have changed!yes Delhi still does and always will top the list..but Kolkata is one place I totally fell in love with!I loved the slow pace of life there which was a total contrast to Delhi's fast paced life.I loved the contentment I saw within people there...they are happy with whatever they have..theres no rat race or "hod" to get ahead of others..I love the way its so culturally inclined...but then probably the reason I love Kol most is coz it is the city where I met the person I am going to marry...and spent the most romantic moments of my life there...

-My first brush with the corporate world turned out to be great...things fell in place...I was appreciated for my work....as the year neared completion rewards recognition came along...my managers used to love me..so much so that when I finally resigned they were ready to do anything to retain me..oki not exactly anything!but yeah the fact remains that I excelled there..its always sad to leave your first job...because you get so attached..I have moved on..shifted back to Delhi for home and a better career opportunity but the support and love I got in my first job will forever stay unparalleled.

-Life lessons learnt during my stay alone in a new city turned out to be invaluable..without your parents and family around you ,you learn things you can never learn otherwise...and by that I just don't mean aatte daal ka bhaav but also fighting for youself alone..adjustment with people who may not be like you...taking care of yourself on your own when you are sick...dealing with your finances single handedly...it makes you fiercely independent and strong..

Well,that's its for now!
Cheers!
Echo

Hello Happiness!!!!

Happy New Year !!!!Wishing you all loads of happiness and love for the coming year!!!Muahhh!!!

Ant bhala toh sab bhala!

Today is the last day of 2008..i look back an realize what an year it was...theres a part of me that screaming inside and saying never ever return me back this year in my life ever again...then theres another one that says it tested your limits of endurance..wud u ever noe u had so much strength inside you if this year had never come?
Rite..it def tested my strength..and guess what..i came out as a winner throughout..there were times when i wud just want to give up..times when i wud go to sleep wishing to never wake up...but now when i look back i realize what it made me..i cud never be what i am today had i not gone thru everything i went thru in tht year...
The year started with me coming to terms with his memory loss..me searching within him to find the guy i had once known n luved for wat he was..however hard i tried i cudnt....i realized he had ceased to exist anymore..n in tht one moment my world came crashing down.. i cud hardly come to terms with this loss and another one just awaited me..bauji was dying..my dadaji..the prsn i loved the most in this world and always will..i was his world and he was mine.. .i was his most luved grandchild...yes i lost the most precious prsn to me in the whole world ..then came another news...turbulence in my dads job..i was proud tht within some time i was starting mine ..i cud finally support my dad when he needed it the most..n then it happened...my job was no longer mine..the US Recession took it away..rite i was jobless..
2008 was an year ill never forget..for it taught me what tough times were...and in the worst times of my life i was all alone..i dint have a shoulder to cry on...i desperately needed support and i had none...for him i cried n cried...baujis death was the first i actually ever witnessed since everything happened at my house..i cudnt believe i wud never see him again..i cried inconsolably..the tears never stopped...and when everyhtin happened with dad i was supposed to be the strength of the family ..inside me i was totally shattered...but i cudnt tell that to my parents..i had to give them hope when i cudnt see it myself...rite..my eyes welled with tears when i was all alone... when my job was taken away ..all my coll hardwork gone to waste my morale totally shattered was when i told god..this was it.i had had enuf.i dint have any strength left in me...i really dint.
Yes the year changed me...totally...i thot i had lost a part of me that was never coming back...if theres one thing which cud carry me thru everything i faced was my faith in god..its unbreakable..it will always be..i mite hav complained to him at tht time..asking him where he was when i was facing everything..now i realize he was d one carrying me thru..
His memory loss happned..but i m thankful god u gave him life thankful to u that hes still alive..alive and happy..perhaps we just weren’t meant to be.
Bauji had to face tuffer times ahead due to his alzeihmers..god took him away sooner and relieved him of the suffering.
Dad..better things await him i m sure of that..i can see him taking steps to realize his dream..something he always wanted to do but never had the time for..i can see it happen dad..and something in my heart says it will.
My job..rite it was taken away but god ,you gave me a better one than tht..u knew i deserved more..
rite you never noe how much strength you have inside you till god makes u realize it..and at that time u curse him for making you go thru everything all alone without realizing hes the carrying you thru it so as to make u into what you wud never be without facing those expreinces.so have faith,it does wonders.
i m in cal at present.. calcutta m falling in luv with it gradually..its a peaceful city....it coincides with the peace in my mind.. i have found happiness here after a long time..and rite now without thinking of the future i just want to soak it all in!
So much happened in 2008 i noe...but kehte hain naa ant bhala toh sab bhala!
cheers to 2009!

Love,anyone???

Yup,So I take off right from where i had left a few posts back..stuck with an aweful roomie who was obssesed with phone sex ,not being able to adjust in d bengaali crowd,completely friendless and bored in this totally sleepy city.So i packed my bags and took a week off to saddi dilli not wanting to return at all.But return i did,with a resolution that if things werent improving on their own i would have to do something surely.
Chucked out that slut of a roomate(right,after i caught her stealing my stuff!),made some new bengali frends who have been extremely sweet to me and now i can catch up bengaali quite well (shotti baaba!!) apart from that the most brilliant thing that happened was that i got a new roomie!!and guess wat??we clicked from day 1!tan tana!!yes i finally had someone to talk to when i went back from office,i finally had that connection ,i finally had someone to do all the masti with (i tried tequila!!yay!!)and the best thing was she introduced me to this totally awesome group she had in office which mainly consisted of delhites.. so i started hanging around with the group...now now now..now comes the twist!right as i always say my life can never be void of any twists and turns ..so this guy in the group took a liking to me...hmm lets call him A.quite ok till now naa..thats what i thought too...we started talking on the office messenger..meeting for lunches (with the whole group)..d guy seemed to be nice ...i had just begun to give him a serious thought ..just when i thot of telling me roomie all this guess what happens!!she comes up to me one day and shes like can i tell u a secret?i m like yeah..sure...and shes like "i like A!!!!" for a second i dint know how to react!i was left gaping..and then she told me her whole story of how she was so totally in lov with him since the day she joined this firm and what a great guy he was and how she had missed him when she went to UK and how she totally adored even d smallest attentions he got from him...man!!
my mind was just thinking one thing "we both cant like the same guy!!!"but then i thot over it this gurl was so damn serious for this guy while i was just making up my mind...but dint i love all the attention he gave me??dint i suddenly love dressing up for office ??the way my face lit up with a smile every time he msgd me between work??or the way he generally cared??
the sad thign was i hadnt told her anything about my increasing interactionw ith this guy..and the sadder thing was she failed to notice the attention he gave me whenever we were together ina grp..and the saddest thing was she used to come n share with me everytime she thot A gave her some attention!!and then i would feel so damn guilty!!i dint know what to do...whether to go away from the scene completely ..or to keep talking to the guy normally...but then wudnt i be encouraging him??but i loooooved d way he cared...and i cud see it so clearly he wasnt int in my roomie at all...or shud i just tell A that my roomie was totally latoo on him..love has eluded me before..in the most tragic way one can think of...i dint want to let go of it now...and yet i cudnt be selfish...my roomie is the reason i got some life in cal..shes d one who introduced me to the grp..to the guy...man!!for once gawd!!stop making my life look like some bollywood movie!
anyway i took the step i found so hard to take..i started withdrawing..stopped comin on messenger..or hanging around with the grp...but it was soooo hard!but then i knew it was rite too...ok so i tried..but i kind of failed..i cudnt really maintain the distance bw me and A...and guess what..he came and proposed..rite...i shud have been freaking happy ..but all i cud think of wat was going to tell her???
hmmm thrs so much more i gotta rite...what happend thereafter..and wats finally happening now...i guess ill continue in the next post!

Some Restroom Gyaan!

The moment I read this note stuck on my comapnys restroom door ;) I knew it had to be here.
"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens,not by what life brings to us,but by the attitude we bring to life."

So much for India's diversity..

A north indian trying to fit into the bengaali crowd..desperately!
Hmmm its def not easy.