To My Destiny I Bow

© akka b.

REPETITION. I remember the days when it was comfortable to repeat old patterns; those days are close still, so it's easy - easy to remember, but impossible to go back. Trying - yes. But all attempts are futile - in other words the cause for horrendous pain. Internal. But also, sometimes it comes out in a skin rash or a hurt ankle or a lost anklet or a broken shoe. Big fat sigh goes here.

The other amusing aspect of the attempt to repeat negative patterns; indulge old anger, feelings of threat, neglect, abuse, betrayal, fear and on and on... is that we usually want to blame someone or something. Well I do. And when I do, I receive the greatest therapy on earth, it's called, "RETURN TO SENDER." It pierces; like a fire-arrow straight into the solar plexus. What I attempt to resolve through an 'outside me' blame place, only ricochets back making me feel like I am dying a slow and painful death. Which in a way, I am.

There is something safe about living the way we always have. Crying the same tears, punching the same wall, blaming the same archetype. REPETITION. It's a trap and it no longer works in the context of what we have already done - (that doesn't work). It will only keep biting - and biting deeper each time - until surrender settles in.

SURRENDER always wins. Because everything we fight outside our Self is only a hologram of a pattern that exists because we have asked it to and we are accustomed to it. Therefore, the only real conquest is to dissolve the source of the hologram - the place where we project from; to bow down to the pain place within, and say, I give you up, I forgive you, I release you, I love you. 

I give you up, I forgive you, I release you, I love you. 

REPEATEDLY.

Clearing room for who we really are - sans smoke screens.

I Must Love You Blog

© akka b.

I must love you blog. I must love you in an everyday way. Coffee foaming from my mouth, tangled hair, tired eye, or eye(s), pinched skin, blushed lips, palpitating heart beat fire bang bang blast off sort of way! I must love you blog. BIG DEEEEEEEP BREATH.

So I've been sort of unavailable. And I forgive myself for it. There are times to run screaming deep into the wooded, musk infused, lichen growing, compost carpeted tree lands, sky falling, bird calling, acorn throwing places. But, just when I think I've 'been there done that' and can resurface... boom, boom, boom, I plunge again. Dunked. By heaven? By my own prayers? Prayers I made years ago to live this way. In the all-the-way kind of way? Probably.

But every time I do - go away. I also come back. Usually more ripe, more soft, more precise, more lovely then I ever thought possible. What is possible? What are the possibilities of living in this body that I love and am growing to love? Growing to live?

I must love you blog/I must love me. Even when I've been unavailable, there is purpose in this distance. Even in the seemingly unproductive mountain scaling times, there is purpose.

SELF PEACE

"PEACE is every man and woman's responsibility. It does not begin or end with a few good or bad seeds, but is sustained by every individual's commitment to SELF examination, SELF maintenance, and SELF love. When we can accept and love ourselves all the way ~ there is PEACE. A steady mind and steady heart, create a steady environment. I am at work on this in myself, everyday." ~akka b.

The Great Liberation IS

Not walking naked through sleepy rivers 

Not pressing wishes unto the moon

Not bedding down with mind altering substance

The Great Liberation is

Not smashing dishes in search of a point

Not traveling the world without destination 

Not defying rules just to fit - differently 

The Great Liberation IS

The way of forgiveness

The way of looking into the eyes of our own fury and recognizing light

Not in the form of raging fire

But - IN THE FORM OF LIGHT

Hand of akka b. / Photo Credit: Asha Tyska Mclaughlin

THE GREAT LIBERATION IS

Revisiting the ugly past and saying THANK YOU

NOT because it's no longer the present, but

THANK YOU for being the mountain that made me

THANK YOU for being the mirror of my internal conflict 

THANK YOU for revealing the depths of my madness, self-composure, resilience 

THANK YOU for being the only thing that stands between me and

THE GREAT LIBERATION IS

NOT waiting for anyone else to say they're sorry,
but to say, you're sorry

NOT waiting for anyone else to say you're right, but to say, you're right

NOT dismissing the gift that is right before you, it is for you

THE GREAT LIBERATION IS

NOT walking naked through sleepy rivers

THE GREAT LIBERATION IS

 Walking Naked

*I had the pleasure of reading this piece tonight at Danielle Lopez's art opening @ Ojai Coffee Roasting Co. A powerful poem written in less than 30 minutes and also recorded last week for my upcoming poetry cd.

DEAD/ALIVE

 Honoring all things dead, but not dead

I shared this poem a couple days ago, 

(the same day I wrote the poem) 

at a Psychic Faire on HALLOWEEN. 

The photos are from the reading, 

the sound clip was recorded last night 

(All SOUL'S DAY) 

and I present it today on...

THE DAY OF THE DEAD - El Dia de los Muertos

Click HERE.  
(Headphones recommended)

Photos by: Raksha Boiteau

Definition of a Drunk Love Heart #2:

Absolutely fixed on the sweet elixir... 
Obstacles between, I do not love. 

Even though TO LOVE might improve my visibility.

TO LOVE might improve my invincibility...

I could call it an obstacle or a monster 
Or a locked closet with no key. 

It doesn't matter, YOU, get the picture - you must.
(I know I'm not alone in this). 

We've been fighting for years... 
Ignoring each other, demanding, threatening, 
Waiting for it to be different - and for someone else to make it so. 

I'm counting my gray hairs between now and then. 
Exhausted. Bored. Bored with this roundabout way. 

I must do that opposite thing again. 

Get cozy with that which I abhor: Okay, go...

forgive the fight. 

forgive the key that doesn't fit, make a new one.

forgive the monster who has no mother, no harbor, no friend.

forgive the chance that was lost, but not lost, but integral.

forgive the past for being difficult, more so than thought deserved.

forgive the future for being scary and fear, for moving slowly.

forgive the way its been done before and the way I do it now.

forgive the way I have loved and haven't loved and wanted love.

forgive out loud

forgive anyway and in general

but not until I'm ready and ripe and it is time

it must be honest.

AND I must be willing to use new eyes when closets begin to open, 

and monsters want to cuddle, and the sweet elixir returns... 

When I become invincible for real, for really real.