Ill start with the latter. 6 years ago on January 31st, Mark and I got married. It wasn't a big extravagant wedding with hundreds of guests...it was a small intimate wedding with close family and friends.....Its especially special to me because my best friend since I was 5 was my Maid of Honor....she passed away a year and a half later. I was so glad to be able to share that special day with her and wont think back on our wedding day without remembering her by my side.
1/31 is also a day we wont forget because in 2009 it was the day we found out that our little Cammy would be joining us. It was our 5th wedding anniversary! Ill never forget it. A lot of mixed emotions because we thought we were done with kids and then SURPRISE! But we couldn't be happier! She is the sweetest, most beautiful baby in the whole wide world!!!
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Confirmation.
I debated on whether I should post this publicly or not, because some people don't believe, some people do, some people might think I'm nuts (which at times I'm not denying! lol)...but when Hilary asked me tell more about my previous post, which i mean to go back and set to private, but i forgot, I decided I'd share it. If you believe, great. If you don't, I'm sorry. To each their own.
Its funny how God works, isn't it? Ive been told since I was young, that if I wonder if something is really from God, pray for, and wait for confirmation. There have been things in my life that I have wondered about, and never uttered a word about it aloud, and have received a word from someone who either didn't know me at all, or barely knew me. Someone who would have no idea what was going on. I would know without a doubt that it was confirmation.
As a Christian, I feel ridiculous sometimes when I wonder "is there really a God?" Ill ask sometimes "God, do you really exist? Is there really something beyond this life? Are you real?" I have often asked God to let me know, but not in a way that is bad, like an accident or something. I don't want an out of body experience, just confirmation. Many times I'll have dreams a couple days later that remind me of the fact that there IS a God....Ive dreamed about Jesus coming back, Ive seen him in a distance, in the clouds, on a horse. Some might say I've dreamed that because I was thinking about it and it came about in my dream. Maybe so, but is it just a coincidence that I've dreamed certain things shortly after asking God for confirmation? I don't think so. But, like I said - to each their own.
So, Cammy had recently been pretty sick with a bad cold. I was up at night with her, taking care of her, even more exhausted than I have been in the 4 months since she's been here. I prayed so much for her, that God would just take this sickness away from her, but when she was still sick, I started doubting, again. I would even get mad at God for not making her better. She's a baby, she doesn't deserve to be this sick. I just hated seeing her suffering through this horrible cold she had, AND I had never had a sick BABY before, so I didn't know what to do with her! My other girls were never sick as babies, but I also didn't have a child in school when they were babies.
At night, she was sleeping either propped up on my pillow, or in her bouncer in her pack n play so that she'd at least be able to some what breathe. One night, she was in her pack n play in the bouncer, finally sleeping peacefully after a lot of nose suctioning and sitting in a steamed up bathroom at about 3am. I fell asleep facing her pack n play, where I could just open my eyes and see her. I was sleeping really good when I suddenly woke up. When I opened my eyes, I saw him. I saw an Angel standing next to her pack n play, barely leaning over her as to check to see that she's OK, but so subtle as to not disturb her. As soon as I blinked, he was gone. Its very hard to explain what he looked like. He wasn't big and winged. He was tall, slender and about the size of a regular man. He was white, but not solid. Basically what I saw was his outline in a fine white mist. Again, its hard to explain, I just knew. I didn't see his face, i saw him as if i were looking at him from the side. I knew that he was an older man, like a grandfather type.
My only thought was "Its OK, that was just her angel" and I went back to sleep! When I woke up the next morning, I remembered it. I did not question it. But later as the day went on, I kind of starting wondering about it. So, I prayed and asked God to let me know if what I saw was from Him---I felt such a peace about it.
I decided to call my grandma and talk to her about it. I said "I don't know why I was allowed to see this" and she told me to pray about it. So I did, and then something came back to my remembrance--------Several days before, my same age old question came around again "God, are you real?"...I remember lying awake in bed one night, not able to sleep, and asking that. I remember saying "If I could only see an Angel, then I'd know"---Then I felt stupid again for even wondering because God has shown Himself to me so many times, in so many different ways, that for me to even question is really stupid. I never thought much more about asking to see an Angel because Ive asked before and nothing's happened,(although I have seen 2 angels when I was a kid, but one I don't remember and I was very sick and my mom said I told them that a woman was at the end of my bed, but they couldn't see her. The other was when my little cousin passed away...the night of the day we buried her, I woke up and saw a small white being above me....I blinked and it was across the room, i blinked again and it was gone. It looked the same as the angel I saw here...soft white outline kind of) Well, the night before this happened with Cammy, I was awake and thinking "I wonder what it would be like if an Angel walked in the room right now. Would it be big and bright? Would it have wings? Would it talk to me? Would Mark know it?" and then I went to sleep not giving it a second thought. So, when I saw this angel over Cammy, it really came as no surprise when I think back on it. Its like I must have known something was going to happen, but it didn't register in my mind...its was like my spirit sensed it.
So anyway, I know that it was confirmation from God, that not only is He real, He had his hand on Cammy while she was ill, even if I didn't realize it. I'm so thankful that God hears me and my stupid thoughts and that He doesn't get mad at me, yet He, in his way, brings me back to reality.
If you've ever wondered about God, or even if you are suppose to do something in your life, big or small, and you want to know if that seed was planted by God, pray for confirmation. He will give it to you. If you don't receive it, it might not be from Him, but from you, or it might not be the right time. Listen for God. He speaks to us so quietly, but He also speaks to us through feelings, dreams and other people.
When I look at Cammy, I often think "I saw your Angel".
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