Son of A

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.  It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Now wipe that smile off your face..

Thanks L.
BBB

I Liked The Last One

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.  Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? WINNER OF THE YEAR -- A college teacher reminds
her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Two bonus extras: A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'  The clerk says, 'What denomination? ' The blond says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

He never heard the shot....

BBB

Sunday Afternoon Humor

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."

BBB

Tuesday Afternoon Humor

9 Things I Hate About Stupid People



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

A Variation On...

How to wash a cat.

This was simply too much of a  time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up. And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Sincerely,

The Dog



BBB

A Little Light Humor

Cleaning sheet for men

* Broom (brum) - a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of transportation for your mother)

* Vacuum (vak' u em) - much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the dishwasher.

* Dust pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.

* Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look for your old "lucky shirt".

* Bucket (buk' it)- Cylindric container used for holding soapy water when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you're playing with our seven-year-old.

* Mop - (mop) a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year's Eve party last year.

* Toilet Brush (toi' lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower loofah again!

* Oven Cleaner (uv' en Klen' er) - No, not the teenager. This is an actually product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.

* Sponge (spunj) - used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power wash set. That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the EXTERIOR of the house (hint hint).

* Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men DO squeegee!

Final Note:
While Duct tape may be a wonderful plumbers aid, it's really not the best solution for keeping the bathroom towels in place, and Jamie's teacher is still asking why his homework was stuck to his forehead last week. For these reasons, I have hidden the duct tape and distributed your picture to the local hardware stores. Don't make me call Duct Tape Anonymous again.

Take your time, everything will be fine. If you need me, I'll be in the basement cleaning up the smoke damage from your "do it yourself" electrical rewiring incident last week.

Big Brass Blog

6 Smart Ass Answsers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.  "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when he sees a sign that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.  Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.  "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.  When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

BBB

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Joke Of The Day

This last few weeks have been a little crazy for more than a few reasons.   So here is one of the emails I didn't get a chance to read until this morning.  I identify with more of these in regard to men than I do women.  Weird.


WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Their last name stays put. The garage is all their's. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. They can be President. They can never be pregnant. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. They can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell them the truth. The world is their urinal. They never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at their chest when they're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle their feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. They know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.. They can open all their own jars. They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite them, he or she can still be their friend.

Their underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. They almost never have strap problems in public. They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes. Everything on their face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. They only have to shave their face and neck.

They can play with toys all their life. One wallet and one pair of shoes-- one color for all seasons. They can wear shorts no matter how their legs
look. They can 'do' their nails with a pocket knife. They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Are You Getting Enough Vegetables?

The first one is familiar and the rest are a hoot.


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't  waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:  animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is 1:1. If you have two bodies, your ratio is 2:1, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You  should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Have a cookie ... flour is a veggie!

One more thing...When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt.

3Bs

Fuelish Humor

Sent to me by a friend.

Let's All Wring Our Hands

The world is worried about Burma. Again. Just as it was obvious that the Bush administration had no intention of helping the drowning people of New Orleans, it's obvious that the junta in Burma is hoping, and actively preventing assistance, so that most of their citizens troublemakers perish in the aftermath also. While the world waits and discusses what to do, innocent men, women and children are dying by the minute. Like the crisis a few months ago didn't give everyone a clue as to how the junta would respond.

People are talking all kinds of smack because the Democratic Convention isn't locked up tighter than a black person with a stick up his ass months before the actual convention. Heaven forbid that every citizen have an opportunity to express their vote. Since I didn't really start paying attention to the conventions until Shirley Chisholm received 152 delegates in 1972 "in spite of hopeless odds", I am having a difficult time understanding why it is so important that Hillary drop out, we present a united front, yada, yada, yada. James Polk (POTUS #11) wasn't added until the eighth ballot. What are we? Sheep or Republicans? Ron Paul hasn't given up and the Republicans don't have their panties in a bunch. Whatever we are, we aren't being democratic, we are being autocratic. At the rate our democratic process is disappearing we might as well be Russia and let the Chimmpleton become Prime Minister. Oh, we don't have one of those in our Constitution? Well, we didn't have illegal search and seizures, ridiculous (unless you're a corporation) interpretations of eminent domain, torture or poll taxes before 2001 either. Speaking of traitors, NARAL can kiss my black ass. In Macy's window. At lunchtime.

I never thought I would dislike a candidate more than Bush, but Obama finds the one nerve that Bush missed. He can claim all the victory he wants, he will never be able to claim my vote. McCain will also never get my vote but I absolutely will not vote against my conscience just so a "Democrat" can win. Over 300 million people in America and we get these two boobs as a choice for president. I'd rather have a president with real ones. And we all know that isn't going to happen in my lifetime. According to the Death Clock that's at least seven more presidential elections. Isn't it odd how many female leaders there are in the world and we think their countries are backwards? Even the Vatican has an assistant Vice Minister. We're lucky we have female Governors. Equality is not a way of life in America. Sexually, racially, economically or representatively.

In a further continuation of Support The Troops, but only in your dreams, Bush will be the first President in history to veto benefits. This isn't really a surprise since he went to war with the military we had and not the one he wanted. But Blackwater is coming along and I'm sure things will work out the way he wants. Too bad about all those dead soldiers, their sad families and the all the brain injured vets who will be left as roadkill. Not in the country they were injured in, but in the country that supposedly supports them. How are the sales of those car magnets doing these days?

I haven't posted a joke in so long, so here is a clean one. What do you find on the inside of a clean nose?

Fingerprints.

People forget that Barry Cowsill was one of the victims of Bush's determination to let New Orleans drown.


Dangerous wasn't he?

BBB

Terrible Accidents Happen

By way of Reader Rick:

I almost cried when I saw this picture. It is absolutely gut wrenching. It shows the importance of being properly strapped in.

A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Germany. The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage. Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

My friend stayed on the scene to help and even though he performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them, none apparently survived.



Mom prefers Becks, but it's still a sad sight.

3Bs

YouTube Sunday

For today's entertainment Reader Rick sent me two links a few weeks ago and now that I'm feeling slightly better (headache is only a 6 instead of the 9.8 that it has been for the past three weeks), it's time for some humor.

First up: Speed Bump


Second up: The Front Fell Off

Reader Rick Strikes Again

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

Thanks Rick!

Worst Pun Ever

"In Fyfe, Scotland, there's an annual tench-eating competition [tench are small fish like sardines]. The world champion, Sven from Finland, was in Fyfe to defend his title. Local boy Hix won through to the final and it was a contest between him and Sven. The result was that Hix ate 27 tench and Sven managed only nine - so Hix was crowned world champion. The headline?


One To Three For Fyfe's Hix, Sven Ate Nine Tench."

3Bs

They're Here

The truffles have arrived, yippee! Other than that, the move is sucking. The place still hasn't been painted, the floor isn't finished, the satellite guy doesn't have the pieces he needs, the refrigerator is due any minute and I'm supposed to be out of my current abode by 5 o'clock and nothing has been packed because there is no where to put it. Now I know why I never made the successful transition from military to civilian life. This would never, and I mean never as long as one troop was standing, would a job be done as half assed as this one was.

Plus, I think Jose skipped town and left me holding his $30K in bail bonds, so I'm a little depressed and very much scared.

Thank goodness for the truffles. Thank goodness for Minstrel Boy. Right now he is my savior.

Of course things could always be worse. This could be the beginning of my day instead of the almost the middle.

3Bs

New Words For 2008

Time for some humor, courtesy of Reader Rick and those wacky Brits. A few have been seen before, but there are a couple that will make you snicker. I'm fond of Salmon Day, Percussive Maintenance and the Beer Compass.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again..

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.

Seven Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow ahuman; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
******************

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute.
*****************

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
***************

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
***************

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, She's dead."
***************

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..";

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
***************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want God is watching the apples.

If Only

I could think as fast as this person did. I hate stupid questions and honestly do try to restrict my answers but sometimes one just has to respond. I'm still snickering. Reprinted form Alternate Brain because it is just that good.

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big Wand standing in line at the check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid broad... why else would I buy dog food??]

'Cause ya got company comin'? Put toothpicks in the kibbles, they'll never know the difference...

Can't you just see the people who were standing in line trying to retell this story to their friends?