THE ART OF PALM READING

Palmistry or 'chiromancy' (also spelled cheiromancy, Greek cheir (χειρ), “hand”; manteia (μαντεία), “molester”), is the art of characterization and foretelling the future through the study of the palm. (I sometimes refer to it as "Necromancy" because it reminds to re-watch the Evil Dead movies). The practice is found all over the world, with numerous cultural variations. Those who practice chiromancy are generally called palmists, palm readers, hand readers, hand analysts, wrinkle readers, hand fetishists, charlatans, and 'gypsies-that-curse-you-for-refusing-to-pay-them'.

Schedule a reading with my Mom- $50 for one palm, 25% off second palm. Complimentary cursing available on request.

The practice of palmistry is often regarded as a pseudoscience. Scientists and doctors alike are just jealous, because they can't diagnosis some body's brain tumor or a mystery man in your future without using a stethoscope or that headband with a mirror on it. Palmistry doesn't need these antiquated tools; all you have to do is look at the lines on your palm, and use my chart below to see whether your destiny is to be an unemployed mortician, married to a supermodel, and whether or not you will lose your leg* when you drive your Vespa through a department store window...

*You will. And then people will laugh at you for having a Vespa in the first place

There are many conflicting interpretations of various lines and features across various schools of palmistry. But take it from me and myself: these line interpretations are the real deal. Observe the picture below...during this particular reading I saw a plague of locusts and Purell Hand Sanitizer in his sharpie line. In other words, he was soon to be electrocuted in a freak "changing the lightbulb while standing in a bucket of water" accident.

During my palm readings I like to focus on the positive rather than the negative. What good is it to agonize over the fact that you will only live for another 2 months? Instead, the client should enjoy what the 2 months leading up to his/her tragic demise has to offer!

When this doesn't work and my client is still brooding about his short life-span, I administer some useful and uplifting advice to my client's doomed palm:

If the client is still complaining about his situation, then a palmist must resort to other measures. Be patient but firm when reasoning with him. Make it clear that your not his therapist, your simply his All-knowing and All-seeing Spiritual Oracle and you will not put up with his whining. Try using these flash cards:

Now, I have done readings for some very high profile people, but the rules of palmistry state that palmist-palm confidentiality is sacred. Therefore I will just show you facsimiles of my diverse clientele:

Did I mention I do animal paw readings? Contrary to "sciencism", animals are highly intelligent and lead extraordinary rich and complex emotional lives. Just the other day I was doing a reading for a squirrel. Her Ring of Axl Rose revealed a squirrel with unparalleled business savvy; on the downside, her divorce line indicated she was to be married and divorced 9 times. Instead of being discouraged over that unfortunate news, she took it extremely well. During our silent psychic dialogue and she told me "10th times the charm" and then offered me some walnuts/ Percocets.

Squirrel paw with formidable Wesley Snipe Phalance on the lumbar axis and her virtually immeasurable divorce line


The Elizabeth Taylor of squirrels

Next time we will examine 4 separate palm reading sessions that were applied "speed dating style" and explore Palm Pilot reading. I will also read my own palm, which many necromancers advise against but I encourage.

My hand (notice my prominent 'love line'?)

CLASSIC MOVIE REVIEWS

LAWRENCE OF ARABIA

Sir Peter O’Toole gets captured and then tortured in the desert. Other key events in this long movie are: the conquest of the Port of Aqaba, the fall of Damascus, Turks, Sheiks, burning matches that set the sun on fire. Lawrence is a cartographer, which is a person who is sexually attracted to maps. Lawrence is in love with his friend Sherif Ali so he is gay for men too, but sadly the homophobic Turks won't let them be in love. What else? It’s four hours long. Better to watch Clash of the Titans starring Sir Lawrence Olivier instead, because it’s shorter yet still explores all these same historical events and has Medusa, Calibus, the Kracken, and Pegasus (gay horse!). 1 star, for the exceptionally bloody massacre at Tafras.

"Is there no place where two men can roll around together on top of a sexy map in this homophobic desert?" "

"In MY movie you can get it on wherever you damned well please. I'll even place your mortal action figures smack down in the middle of the coliseum on my own sexy map."

BLADE RUNNER/ SCHINDLER'S LIST DOUBLE REVIEW

These movies are so similar that I created this review on dialogue alone. Compare this line from Blade Runner:
Taffey Lewis: “Hey Louie, the man is dry. Give him one one the house, OK?”
With this line from “Schindler’s List”:
Oscar Schindler: “Why do you drink that motor oil? I send you good stuff all the time. Let me get you some wine for the Sabbath”.
Blade runner...
Deckerd: “I have had people walk out on me before, but not when I was being so charming.”
Schindlers List...
Oscar Shindler:”I could try to read this, or I could eat my lunch while it's still hot.”

This badass saved many many Jewish people from the gas chambers by giving the SS chocolate bars. (He had some other tricks up his sleeve but the chocolate strategy is my personal favorite)

Maybe Schindler is more heroic, but Rutger Hauer is in Deckerd's movie

Both of these movies main characters are sassy detectives trying to overthrow apocalyptic tyrants. Blade Runner gets 4 stars and Schindler 3- one star off for not having Rutger Hauer in it. He was born to play a Nazi. Ralph Fiennes is Irish or something.

THE GODFATHER

This film is about a family of Mafiosos. The Godfather is a Marlon Brando, who in the movie is Don Corleone and head mafia man. Everybody constantly goes to him for favors. I completely relate to this. Sometimes I feel like everyone wants something from me and they are just lined up at my door, one, after another, after another. And I just want to push them over like dominoes and watch them all fall down, down down... and then I can just take a long bath and then dance around to my 2 favorite song ("Top of the World" by the Carpenters and "Colt 45" by Afroman). 2 chopped horse heads.

"Here's a quarter, go call someone who gives a fuck".

ON GOLDEN POND

This is good. I wish all the young people would go away in this so I could just watch Katherine Hepburn and Henry Fonda living in tranquil senility without that stupid kid. I want to live on Golden Pond. I love when Katherine Hepburn goes “Remember when we used to skinny dip?” and Henry Fonda is like, “What? I can’t hear you”. 5 stars!!! I can’t hear about skinny dipping either because I’m against it- it’s always cold and you can’t have proper sex in water.

TAXI DRIVER

This movie was like being transported back in time to when I was twenty six years old, a taxi driver, living in a one room cold water flat and I was sick of the filthy, filthy city streets and the pimps and the criminals and the garbage and the dirty politicians. Robert Deniro is so good in this. He has a jacket that has a gun that pop’s out of the sleeve, knives that shoot out of his mohawk, lazers that shoot out of his eyes. He talks to himself in the mirror a lot, which is something I do all the time. He saves a young prostitute by killing her pimp and then there’s a ticker-tape parade. What else...he takes this lady on their first date to a porno movie and then gives her a Kris Kristofferson album(?) That is my dream date so this movie get’s 8 stars!

This woman below could have bagged the most romantic guy in NYC, who would have serenaded her with Kristoffersons "Sunday Morning Coming Down" while watching "Kitty Going Down in the Valley" at the Times Square Marquee. Give your rose to someone who deserves it Travis.

THE EXORCIST

In this movie a young girl is possessed by the evil spirit of Ronald Reagan. There is some very sacrilegious stuff going on here like crosses in vagina's and a lot of blasphemy. Don’t watch this if you think Ronald Reagan is the greatest president ever, because it will skew your opinion of him. Also don’t watch it if you pray to the cross of the Lord because it gets put into Ronald Reagan's vagina. I have warned you! I thought this movie was pretty excellent but my favorite president was Benjamin Franklin, so therefore this film didn’t bother me much at all. If the main character was a demonic Benjamin Franklin, than I would boycott this film because that brilliant man invented the post office, the fire department, the stove, the lighting rod, chewing gum, duct tape, the fountain pen, the blender, and condoms. Look it up. No demon would ever make those awesome things. 4 satanic stars.

Ronald Reagan being impeached during the exorcism

AMADEUS

I saw this when I was a kid and it made a major impact on me. It is the tragic tale of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, a brilliant, eccentric composer from long long ago. Manipulated by a bitter mediocre contemporary named Saliari, Mozart's career is ruined and he ends up destitute, in a mass grave covered in baking flour. Mozart liked farting, having sex with girls, making music, and candy. Just like all musical geniuses. Saliari is a true hater who manipulates Mozart employing cunning means, such as bringing him whores and chocolate (The Schindler technique). Who could resist those things? If Mozart had been deaf, as in Beethoven’s case, he would never have heard Saliari’s misleading suggestions. And if he was blind like Ray Charles he never would have seen Saliari dressed up in a Darth Vader outfit, pretending to be his dead Father’s ghost. Then he would have gone on farting and making awesome music. 3 tragic whore-less candy-less fartless stars.

Mozart pre- Salieri.

Later on, a fartless Mozart has lost his will to live.

APOCALYPSE NOW

Marlon Brando is Colonel Kurtz, a vitiligo faced jungle warrior poet in the middle of Vietnam woods with natives who think he’s a Jesus. Martin Sheen plays a guy who breaks mirrors with fists and is sent on a mission to take Kurtz down. Personally I liked this movie for two reasons: lot’s of spider monkeys, and this line: “ I'm going 75 clicks above the Do-Lung bridge”. Whatever that means I don’t know, but one day I will declare this in a conversation with my Mom and Dad.
5 clicks!

Hiding in the mud till the planes drop more USO Playboy Bunny's.