Hadn't Thought About it in Years

Right before I went on my mission, I came out to my parents.  In fact it was the morning of my missionary farewell.  I was beating around the bush so much that my mom asked if I was worrying about masturbating.  (Hey, that was kind of funny).  I can't remember how I told them, but I got it out there. 

They didn't seem terribly surprise, although they certainly didn't say "we always suspected".  Actually, though, they were great.  No anger.  No how could you do this to us.  Amazing when you consider that both of them came from families with long traditions in the church - handcarts across the plains and all that.

My dad actually talked about a, well "relationship" I guess, that he had with a boy we will call Whitey when he was a boy.  He said it always made him wonder.  Then he said nothing more about it.  So I really don't know what the relationship was and he has not, and will never, speak of it again.

My mom was the funny one.  Her one comment:  "Well if we weren't LDS we'd just take you to a hooker and show you how good it is."  And I do think she was serious.  Years later, my oldest brother, who is perfectly fine with me being gay, said I should just give "pussy" a try because I had no idea what I was missing.

My mom has passed away.  Dad remarried, and is absent in many ways the details of which I won't relate here.  I miss them both and will always be grateful that they were there for me.  My life still turned out to be a disaster, but that experience could have been so much worse.

Must be California.  You know how it corrupts Mormon folk.

Tired and Disappointed

Please excuse me while I indulge in a little self-pity today.

I am just flat out tired of being gay.  I realize, of course, that the sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s ass every day.  But honestly feel like I haven’t had any real warmth in forever.  I like to pretend like I am Mr. Cool who doesn’t care if he fits in or not.  However, the deep down truth is that I care very much.  All of my life I have struggled with the desire to fit in and the inability to do so.

It would be so much easier to be straight.  Right?  Let’s face it, life is just easier when you are straight.  Finding someone is easier – I’m not suggesting it’s always easy, just easier.  You don’t have to feel uncomfortable, fake it or make everyone uncomfortable when the topic of romance comes up.  You don’t have to work to find that balance that a gay man/lesbian woman must have between being authentic and being needlessly confrontational.

Yup, I want to be normal.  Be straight.  Have a wife and kids.

And I’m disappointed that I don’t and can’t.  And I’m disappointed in my life.

On the bright said, aren’t we lucky that we live in a day where we can actually focus on personal satisfaction and meaning?  Think of it.  Even 100 years ago, most people only had time to focus on staying alive.

Gay McDonald's ad in France: