Determination

We are confident that we have a very determined group of children that we are raising. It would take lots of determination for them to survive all that they have been through - both prior to coming to our home and all that the past two years of transition have meant for our entire family. I used to joke that the term determined was the polite kindergarten teacher's way of referring to a child as stubborn or obsessive. I might have even used the word determined on some report cards in the past when trying to find a positive term to define an often frustrating character quality. (Hopefully if you are one of my former kindergarten families you are not digging out old report cards right now!) There are often two ways to look at the same character qualities. Determination is a wonderful character quality - and it is also a drivenness that can manifest in anxiety and frustration for some people. We pray that we can help channel this determination, and that anxiety and frustration lessens, as the children learn to trust God as He leads them.

Corinn is a very careful child and determined in almost all that she does. She does not like to take big risks and does not enjoy participating in new activities until she is certain that she can succeed at them. She quietly observed for the entire first two dance classes she attended, refusing to participate, and now we can't keep her from turning everything into a stage for a personal performance of the Nutcracker. She loves dance class. She has been determined to keep up with her big sisters in homeschooling and has followed along in all their subjects, eating it up. Last summer she tried a few times to ride her bike without training wheels but just wasn't ready. Being a careful child, she knew it was a risk she was just not willing to take. Yesterday she asked for the training wheels off, declared that she was ready and going to learn, so after bedtime they were removed. Today - she's zooming around with no help from me! She determined that she was ready to do it and off she went. Even more impressive she taught herself how to start, stop, turn around, go down our sloped driveway, and was racing her siblings including her big sisters within the afternoon! That is some real get-up-and-go determination! Everyone celebrated Corinn's new success together with her today. It was so nice to see the kids cheering one another on.

Noting that children are all different and have different ways of displaying their determination, upon seeing Corinn ride her bike without training wheels, Noah immediately declared, "I'm going to learn to ride without training wheels next week! Papa, can you take mine off?" And knowing the kind of child he is, fearless and determined with regard to challenges, this will probably be the true for him.

Racing with Noah

Pop-a-Wheelie

Loser: A Lesson in Selflessness

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Matthew 16:25

Earlier this summer we prayed and agonized over the decision of sending our big girls to a Christian summer camp. We sought counsel from other families in similar situations and researched Bible camps throughout the greater Minnesota area. By the time it came around to making a decision, most of the summer was over and we just didn't have a great sense of peace about which camp to choose. I know that many people love the camp they have grown up attending. The problem I kept coming back to when doing my research was that the costs were generally between $250-$350 per week per child and the camp websites focused so much on what they had to offer the child: horse riding, rock climbing walls, tubing, boating, water skiing. The list of attractions was endless. But attractions were absolutely not the reason we were seeking to send our girls to camp - in fact, our family desires to avoid attractions of most kinds because, by their very nature, attractions are designed to distract from the truly meaningful and purposeful things in life. Not that horse riding or rock climbing can't be great hobbies, but that wasn't the purpose we were seeking in sending our girls to a Bible camp. Towards the end of July we decided to do more research over the fall/winter and make a better plan for next summer, trusting that the girls would also be at a better place in their attachment to attend a camp away from us.

On Sunday evenings our family attends a small Spanish service at the 16/33 Center in South Minneapolis that is offered as an outreach ministry of Bethlehem Baptist Church. Pastor Luis and his wife have been an incredible encouragement to us in our parenting journey, cheering us on each week in our faith with Biblical teaching. Our children get to see Latino role models leading worship, preaching, and ministering to one another, as well as seeing us as their parents involved in the Latino community in ways beyond just their adoption. Our kids enjoy it so much that they even pretend to be Jonathan and Sarah leading worship when we're at home. We are blessed and encouraged through this ministry and the relationships we can build there.

Just when we tabled the decision regarding Bible camp, God provided an opportunity for our family to attend family camp at Riverside Bible Camp in Amherst, Wisconsin, with the congregation from the 16/33 Center as well as a small group from Bethlehem that we had never met. We were a little unsure of what to expect from the weekend - okay, a lot unsure of what to expect from the weekend because planning ahead and organization is not really one of the lists of strengths in our small Spanish-speaking congregation - but we had a fabulous time! There was great structure and everything was well planned, including teams for preparing meals, playing games, presenting skits, and cleaning up. Those aren't the important details, though...

The theme for the weekend was The Biggest Loser. We were a bit concerned because our kids don't watch any TV and we wondered if they would be a bit lost not knowing that this was a theme of sorts. It turned out that it didn't matter. The theme actually centered around living a selfless life, a dying to self in order to gain an eternal life that matters. It was a precious theme for our family and each of us learned from the family devotion that was carefully prepared, the sermons that were delivered in Spanish and English, the games where the losers were actually the winners, the skits that revolved around learning to lose ourselves and our things for Christ, and working together as a family.

The camp was a beautiful place totally void of all the glamorous things that most of the camps I had researched earlier this summer had boasted about. It was nice and simple with a focus on the Bible and an obvious lack of attractions. The primary goal of the camp is to provide Bible teaching at an affordable cost, so our entire family attended the camp for two nights which included meals and matching t-shirts for the same as it would have cost me just to buy 6 t-shirts at most summer camps. The kids loved the experience of being together with our family and with our 16/33 church family. No special attractions were necessary. Best of all, they loved that we took them there to learn about how to live selfless lives to honor God. I look forward to continuing the practice of being losers...

Two-by-Two Update

I wanted to give an update about our use of two-by-two time and ask for feedback and ideas from others who also build a special bonding time into their day. We have found that dividing our children up into groups of two for an hour a day after Nic gets home is really good for the children. We have chosen to split them into groups based on their needs for security and attachment. Our big children have specific needs seeking out reassurance of our attention and love that our younger children don't have and so when all of the children are together or when we combine older and younger child we find that there are many more behavior issues that complicate the intended objective behind this time.

This special time each day is meant to be a time to bond together over something fun that the children are almost guaranteed to be successful at. Some children can try to sabotage anything, even plain old fun - but we do our best not to let them. We don't often make this time about food (like going to get ice cream) because food is a big issue for two of our children and because this time comes immediately before supper.

We have had great success with this time each day. The children look forward to it and ask eagerly about what they will be doing with us. They share their two-by-two adventures with each other over the supper table. We have found that it is an opportunity for us to slow down and enjoy the children more as we teach them a new skill or just enjoy playing together for the hour. While we don't spend hours planning ahead, we do take some time to talk and plan every day when Nic gets home, and our plans for this time are always intentional and purposeful, even if it is just playing. For example, on a great day it is possible that one group could handle going to the tennis court and learning a new skill, but on a harder day they may just need to play pictionary so that they aren't frustrated if they are not able to succeed at mastering something new. Our goal is to enjoy this time with our children and for them to enjoy it with us while we encourage them in love. It is a special opportunity to pour into them and we are thankful that we can make time for it most days.

Some things that have been successful during two-by-two time include:

• building forts in the house
• bike rides
• nature hikes
• tennis
• board games or card games
• baking together
• doing crafts for fun, not for a purpose (not making birthday cards for someone)
• reading together (although we already do a LOT of this)
• playing catch

If you spend intentional time one-on-one, or other small group time, with your child(ren) for bonding or attachment reasons (or other reasons) I would love to hear feedback on how you make it successful and some other creative ideas to keep things fresh for our family. Thanks in advance for sharing!

An Answered Prayer

Yesterday afternoon before quiet rest time I noticed that Noah was over-tired and was not going to have the fortitude to make it through a group story time together with the self-control necessary for success, so I read him a story individually in his room before putting him to sleep. It was a sweet story about a mother reassuring her child of the constancy of her love regardless of the child's choices while acknowledging that the choices were not good choices. If there were not two sleeping children in that room I would go get it off the bookshelf and share the title, but the risk of waking children before my morning quiet time is over is too great.

All of our children love having books read to them and could sit for hours daily listening to stories. It is our best time of the day to sit and read together and something I enjoy very much, especially if I have gotten enough sleep the night before and/or I am highly caffeinated.

After reading this particular book, Noah and I had a short chance to talk before I had to return to the girls who were *supposed* to be clearing the table, unloading the dishwasher, and picking out books for us to read together. It was the sweetest conversation with a softness in his heart that we have been praying would return for over a year now. It went something like this:

Me: Noah, I'm so thankful that I can be your mommy.

Noah: I'm thankful that I can be your kid.

If you remember our journey, Noah came home when he was only four months old, so he has been home close to four years now. The past two years have been very traumatic for him and our hearts have been crushed to watch the devastation caused in his life and heart by living with the trauma of his newest siblings. He has struggled to trust us and feel safe in our home because of living with older siblings who experience attachment disorders and extreme anxiety which is often acted out on him. He has spent the past year acting out behaviors of fear and trauma that he never previously knew.

Before you read this and judge our decision to bring older, traumatized children into a home with younger children, let me assure you that we did not make that decision lightly or without educating ourselves. In our journey, we asked specific questions of the psychologists and social workers who cared for and worked with our big kiddos in Colombia in order to make sure they would be ready and safe to be placed in a family with young children. The answers we received from the psychologists in this particular region through Colombia's ICBF system were very dishonest and uneducated about the effects of years worth of trauma on children's development. We trusted their answers. We received the full and true answers to our questions upon receiving the complete file the day the judge signed our adoption decree and our hearts broke. God has been healing our hearts ever since.

I do not write this to discourage anyone from adopting from Colombia or from adopting out of order, this is simply our journey. In fact, we love Colombia and we are thankful for our precious children and for those who advocated for them. In spite of all of that and all that our young children have endured, it gives us great peace that we trust a sovereign God who knew all these things and allowed this adoption for His good purposes. It has been a process to work through the shock, grief and acceptance of dealing with more issues and special needs than we were assured the children were coming home with. In this process God has been good to guard our hearts with His tender compassion and mercy, helping us to rejoice that we get to be the parents of all of our children.

Please rejoice with us in God's good work in the lives of our children, especially in the returning softness of Noah's heart. Please continue to pray for soft hearts in our home to seek Him every day. Pray that we would be wise, compassionate parents attentive to the heart needs of our children.

Birthday Girl

Yesterday we celebrated Aliah's 10th birthday with a park playdate and picnic with some very special friends. Together with our friends there were 13 children ages 3 - 12 from our three families - all the children who had come home through international adoption within the last five years. It is an incredible blessing to have a group of friends who share your experience and lifestyle when that same experience and lifestyle is considered countercultural by society. Our children enjoyed hours of playing together and we enjoyed hours of sharing experiences and doing our best not to intervene too much in their play. It was a fabulous way to celebrate together.

When we came home we settled down for some quiet time, enjoyed our regularly scheduled two-by-two time where Nic and I each take two of the children for some purposeful, fun, bonding activity, and then it was time for Aliah's birthday supper of choice. Aliah chose French toast bake, bacon, and fruit for her supper of choice. We occasionally have breakfast for supper because it is too hard to make a big breakfast in the morning.

After supper Nic's brother and his family came over for cake and ice cream. Time with cousins is so much fun! Aliah asked me to make a marble cake with pink frosting and princesses on it for her birthday. It is sweet to see her child-like heart and to be able to celebrate with her on her birthday. Having had a hard and traumatic start to life, Aliah has some developmental delays that make her really appreciate the things of early childhood more than typical 10 year olds. While these delays can be challenging at times, I am learning to be thankful for the simplicity that comes along with this disability. Sweet Aliah is not trying to keep up with all of the 10 year olds she knows, instead she enjoys princesses, baby dolls and pretty hair bows.

We enjoyed our day of celebrating God's precious creation of Aliah and His good gift to us in this daughter. It is our prayer that Aliah will continue to understand more and more about God's love for her and that she will trust in Jesus with her whole heart. We pray that Aliah will know and experience God's sovereignty and sufficiency in her life, and that she will find her true joy in Him. We are thankful for you, Aliah, for you are wonderfully made by God.

Camping Adventures

God has been gracious to teach me about the effect my expectations have on myself and on others. At times expectations are a good thing and other times my expectations are a trap. For example, our big kiddos came home to us not knowing anything about how to behave in a civilized or safe manner. Teaching these behaviors along with having the expectation that the kids would employ what we taught them made for quick learning and changes in behavior in some of these areas. Conversely, my expectations for my newest children to accept our love and trust our family as safe, and in turn stop their anxious and hurtful behaviors, was a huge set up for disappointment and failure - both for myself and for them. This is a balance I am still working out in parenting. It is my desire to set a standard for our children that they can strive to meet with God's help, to feel encouraged by us and not crushed by an unrealistic expectation I have for them to be what they cannot yet be. God is good to bring about tools of refining in my own life to shape me into the person He created me to be. In this same way, I think that it is good for parents to challenge their children toward God's right standards, holding them accountable and training them in God's Word. This is the kind of expectation, seasoned in love and grace, that brings life.

I write all of this about expectations because two years ago as we ventured into older child, sibling group adoption we had an expectation for how long it would take our newest children to adjust to being part of our family, and never did we imagine it would take this long. We were very well educated about parenting children with traumatic pasts, and we thought our expectation for their adjustment period was very compassionate. We were wrong. We have been disappointed, exhausted and discouraged. It is also likely that we have exasperated our children a time or two on any given day with some of these expectations. It's not that we weren't compassionate, it's just that it has taken so much longer than we ever imagined and our expectation in this area caused our disappointment. Of course, there were other hurts involved and they are ongoing, but God is good to cover those with His love and a burden to love these precious children.

As summer winds down we have found ourselves concluding that we are finally at the point we thought we would have been at last summer - a whole year ago. It would take several blog posts to describe all of what that looks like in detail and I'm certain I will not get around to that. We are thankful that God continues to work mightily in our hearts to love our children and in their hearts to work at being part of our family. He has kept our hearts tender to one another, to adoption, and most importantly, to Him. We are plodding along in this journey, amazed at where we've been, open to where He's taking us, and thankful to be in His grip.

This past weekend we enjoyed a therapeutic camping adventure with the kids and it was wonderful all the way around! Nic and I are so thankful to our parents, and specifically our dads, for raising us in families that appreciated God's creation and enjoyed camping together. I learned about camping from having to sit in on my brother's boy scout meetings where my parents were leaders and help him get all his gear ready for so many boy scout camping trips. As the younger sister, I wanted to do everything he did and so when I got to be "old enough" my dad started taking me on their special father/son camping and fishing trip to the Northwest Angle of Minnesota and Lake of the Woods. I suppose I never have apologized for crashing those special trips and complicating things by being a girl in the midst of their "guy time". (As an aside, I did do most of the cooking during those trips.) Nic and his dad have shared many camping/canoeing trips throughout his growing up years. These are precious memories of camping with family for us. When we got married we continued to go camping and inherited camping gear from both sets of our parents. We would take our dog with us to state parks all over Minnesota before we had kids. We flew to Massechusettes and camped on Cape Cod. We drove to Colorado and camped in Rocky Mountain National Park during a forrest fire. There is always some great adventure to camping. Then when the first little ones came along we even took them as babies, though it got sufficiently harder to keep them out of the poison ivy when there were two toddlers. One of our camping trips with the two littlest included a non-life threatening trip to the Fergus Falls Emergency Room which ended well. Very nice staff there. Nic has also maintained some close friends for the past 14+ years who dream up a daring and adventurous camping trip every year with very little prior planning. I am pleasantly surprised that none of their trips have involved the emergency room, at least not to my knowledge.

We didn't get around to camping last summer because it was just too hard. For everyone. For many reasons. We were so excited to try it out this summer and so were the kids. Our nature-loving selves were eager to get back to camping after two years away from it. We decided to just go for one night at a state forest close by and we had things well planned out. The kids did a fabulous job learning all about "how" to go camping. We were doubly blessed by all the hand-me-down camping equipment we have received in years past because we put it ALL to use this weekend. The entire weekend was a success from loading up the vehicles, to setting up the tent, to cooking, cleaning up, hiking, swimming, playing, tearing down, and putting everything away when we got home. The kids were so tired they were all in bed and asleep by 7 p.m. on Saturday night - a bonus for us! We were also that tired, but it was a sweet and pleasant exhaustion after a wonderful night away camping. We are thankful for God's provision of this time away together and for His sustaining grace to bring us to this point of healing and growing together as a family.

The Adventurous Campers

Our Chef, Camp Director, and Fearless Leader

I learned to do this job well as a child.

The Kitchen Help: She says it's her favorite part of camping!

More Kitchen Help - Fabulous at Drying!

Enjoying pancakes and eggs!

Never forget the Colombian Brewed Coffee!

The Sitter: Assigned job to attract campfire smoke away from everyone else.

Dirt, Sticks & Freedom to Roam - Heaven to a 4 Year Old Boy

Even Keira the Wonderdog proved to be a super-camper.

Campsite all cleaned up with campers ready (and happy) to return home!

Successful theraputic camping!