What About My Birthday?

Joel 2:25-27

I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.  You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, who has dealt wondrously with you.  Any my people shall never again be put to shame.  You shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the LORD your God and there is none else.  And my people shall never again be put to shame.

On the first night they arrived they were so squirrelly, and wild, and scared.  It was all we could do to get them cleaned up and calm enough to get to bed before midnight.  Traumatized and terrorized by the journey that had led them into foster care, they had a hard time settling down.  They worried if we would feed them and asked repeatedly if we would leave the door open a crack.  Repeatedly.  Every 30 seconds they asked again and again as we got closer to tucking them in.  In not so few words they indicated that they had been locked in a room before.

The next day there were more questions.  Hard questions.  Questions no child should ever have to ask.

Why are we here?

When can we see our parents?

When will our parents get out of prison?

How long will we be here?

Will you feed us?  (Again and again!)

And constant reminders that they like the door open a crack at bedtime.  Always the reminders throughout the day.  Horrible questions.  Heartbreaking questions that gave a terrifying glimpse into what life must have been like.  Questions which revealed that the circumstances which landed them here were considered routine in their day-to-day lives.  The one question that caught me off guard and revealed the childhood innocence that had not yet been stolen was this:

What happens if we are still here when my birthday comes?

She quizzed me mercilessly about the date of her birthday, making sure I would not forget.  Together we rehearsed plans, menus, birthday gift ideas, favorite cake, and frosting flavors.  We talked about family birthday traditions in our home and theirs.

Days and weeks passed and her birthday got closer and closer while the certainty of her future got less and less clear.  I had no answers for her about the length of prison sentences or why her parents hadn't completed the plans that child protection officials offered them to help them reunite with their children.  I didn't know how long they were staying, if there were relatives who could care for them, why the relatives they knew hadn't called or come for them or completed any type of kinship licensing process.

I didn't know where they were going next but I knew that her birthday was right around the corner and I determined that we would not be the ones to break her heart on her birthday.  We were going to celebrate her precious life and the God who had sustained her through unimaginable hardship, who was in fact making all things new while we lived in the midst of the unknown.

We celebrated with singing, balloons, and cupcakes that she helped bake and decorate, a trip to the beach, a meal of her choice, and the kinds of gifts that little girls love.  It was a sweet day and my hope was that when she went to bed that night that she knew that God loved her and was caring for her even in the midst of the unknowns.  Secretly I also hoped that she was so tired and exhausted by the fullness of her birthday that there was no time to mourn for the sorrow and grief in her life that was real and consuming.  As I prayed over her and sang her the nightly choice of three songs, I lingered a little longer that night and rubbed her back, singing extra verses of each song until she had fallen asleep.

It is hard to wrap my mind around the preciousness of that birthday night and the days and weeks surrounding it, that opportunity to love that little sweetheart and her siblings for a short season while God was at work redeeming the years of brokenness in her life.  Being able to celebrate this birthday with this little one made the challenges in foster care seem so very faint and distant in comparison to the joy we got to experience with her that day.

Answered Prayers for the Least of These

Matthew 25:39-40 

'...And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'  And the King will answer them, 'Truly I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'

When we get a call from the county regarding fostering a child it is often like a mini-emergency in our home.  When we have the chance, if time allows, we drop what we are doing and have a family meeting and prayer time.  There is much to pray over and consider in only a matter of moments.  We received one of these calls last month regarding a foster sweetie needing a placement.  As it was close to lunch time, Nic was already making lunch (the perks of a husband working from home!) and we were all already gathered in the kitchen.  I hastily scribbled down the minimal notes the social worker had available and promised to call her back in a few minutes.  Dropping what we were doing, we  bowed our heads to pray for this little one, asking God for wisdom regarding how to care well for our family and the potential of welcoming another child.  This particular day it turned out the answer was a no...

No, we would not be a placement option for this precious child.

It broke my heart to say no when we have so much love to share, when there is room at the table, room in a bed, room in our hearts to love and share and pray over a child.

It turned out that Nic was facing a two week business trip to Europe.  During the time he was gone we would be having grandparents visit, going to visit other grandparents, and continuing our weekly routine of piano lessons, dance, church, and classes outside of home.  Immediately upon his return we had scheduled a 10 day trip to Florida, driving all the way crowded into the big van.  The next month would be busy and a bit more chaotic than our norm.  We knew that the timing wasn't right to add a new foster child to the mix with whatever medical, legal, and visitation appointments it would automatically add to the schedule.  We had a peace in our hearts regarding our decision and a tender concern for this little one who was in a desperate place of need.

I dialed the social worker back and let her know of our decision.  She was gracious.  As I hung up the phone, the concern for this precious child continued to grow.  And then we prayed.  We prayed for all the hurts, dangers, and traumas that precipitate a child needing to be taken into protective custody.  We prayed for the county to find a loving and caring foster home.  We prayed that through this foster care experience this child would know genuine joy, love, and stability.

A week later I was touching base with the only other foster family I know in our entire county.  I'm sure there are more foster families than the two of us but they are the only other ones I know since we are still relatively new here.  I was overjoyed to find out that they had a recent foster placement that matched the brief description of the child we had had to turn down the week before.  I knew this precious child would be loved on, cared for, and prayed over in their home.  It was a direct answer to our prayers for this little one.  I am always amazed to see how God cares for the least of these, the fatherless, and the orphan.

Rejoicing in the Inheritance

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
 Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the Lord,
    you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

 Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

 “For I, the Lord, love justice;
    I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
    and make an everlasting covenant with them.
 Their descendants will be known among the nations
    and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
    that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
    and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
    and praise spring up before all nations.

Our children's past is their own private past, even though today I walk alongside them and help carry some of those burdens.  I live daily with the effects of what happened in their past before becoming a part of our family and I am uniquely familiar with each of their stories because I am their mom.  I cannot understand exactly what they have lived through because their stories in adoption are not my story.  We each have different stories and we each respond differently.  It takes time and maturity for children to be able to understand and accept their own stories and to see what God has done and is doing in their lives.  

I love these precious children.  They are resilient.  They are survivors.  They are overcomers.  They are image-bearers of God, fearfully and wonderfully made.  They are cherished and dearly loved by their dad and I, by their grandparents, by aunts and uncles and cousins, by their church family and friends.  

We are humbled to have been chosen by God to walk this journey with these amazing children.  It hasn't always been easy.  The burdens they carry haven't always been light or typical or uncomplicated.  Instead, at times their burdens have been very heavy, very complex, and very complicated.  Knowing that God is at work sustaining our family and doing His work exchanging  the brokenness of the past for His promises of future grace has made all the difference.

We delight in seeing God give beauty for ashes.  Little glimpses one at a time, day by day, we see God bringing joy in place of mourning, bringing praise in place of despair.  It is our prayer that ultimately any shame or despair or sorrow would be replaced with a double portion of rejoicing in the inheritance of a family.  And not just an earthly inheritance and family, but an eternal inheritance and family with everlasting joy.

Thanksgiving Plan B

Proverbs 16:9 

The heart of man plans his way,
but the Lord establishes his steps.

I am sitting in a quiet house with just the hum of the washer and dryer in the background.  Outside my windows the snow falls silently in big, heavy, wet flakes.  It is a rare moment of solitude, rest, and reflection. The two littles are napping snug in their beds while the rest of the household is in town volunteering at the community Thanksgiving dinner.  It is a sweet day and I'm filled with reason to rejoice and give thanks.

However, this was not how I had planned for today to go several weeks ago, or even last week at this time.  My Plan A included an 11 hour road trip to visit family in Illinois and a weekend full of cousins and fun. Plan B included lice, lice, and more lice, an amazing opportunity to deep clean the entire house including all sheets and bedding (several times), re-organizing the cupboards and pantry closet, board games, card games, movies and a heap of library books, and a 16 year old foster girl with nowhere to go for Thanksgiving,

In the past it has been hard for me to not get disappointed when my plans don't work out.  I have my heart and mind set on something and when it doesn't go as planned, well, I get discouraged.  I think of  what might have been and I grieve, or pout, or sulk.  I am slowly learning that my Plan B is not God's second best for my life.

While I would have loved to spend this holiday with family making lefse, watching plays created by our kids and their cousins, taking family pictures, and storing up memories, God had a different plan for our family.  Moving our family this spring/summer felt like it required a herculean effort followed closely by diving right into school (and making adjustments to school plans) this fall.  We have been feeling the burden of the move and so many transitions catching up to us. It is good to just stop and be still, to be where we are and to be content and thankful.

Plan A was a good plan that seemed so full of fun and Plan B is a good plan, full of other memories and a sweetness that I had never planned for.  A week ago a 16 year old came to stay with us temporarily while her kinship foster placement got licensed.  Life has been tragically hard for this amazing teen.  The paperwork process to reunify her with relatives has been fraught with issues.  So here she sits with no family to go to for Thanksgiving weekend and here we sit with no where to go.  I shouldn't be surprised that my Plan B is not God's second best for my life.

There is purpose in knowing we can be family for this sweet teenager this weekend.  We amended the schedule for the weekend to include volunteering at the Community Thanksgiving Dinner, decorating for Christmas, baking our favorite holiday treats, and some fun family down time.  As an added bonus, the house is clean and more organized than it has been since we unpacked boxes this summer!  There is so much to be thankful for today, especially that it is the Lord who establishes our steps.  

It Matters

Psalm 147:3 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

As I sit and write this I feel something itchy in the back of my shirt and pull out a handful of grass and leaves.  It is the residue from an earlier game of raining grass that I was playing outside with the littlest ones of the family.  It was a silly game that probably looked rather meaningless as we pulled out handfuls of grass and tossed them in the air to rain down on us but it mattered to these two little ones as they laughed and giggled until they were out of breath.  And it mattered to me as it brought simple sweetness and joy to my afternoon.

I have been reflecting on what has really mattered in my life and I cannot stress enough how much my own adoption has mattered.  I absolutely love my adoptive parents - they are truly the best.  I am grateful that God in His sovereignty and love chose these two to be my mom and dad.  Not only that, God chose adoption as the way I would come to understand family.  My parents and their love for me growing up taught me that adoption was a wonderful thing.  In every way it helped me to understand my eternal adoption as a child of God.  

My own adoption story is beautiful.  It is a story saturated with love from a birth mother who sacrificially chose a family to love and raise me, to parents who lavished love upon my brother and I, to grandparents and extended family who joyfully welcomed us into the family.  Growing up I knew that being adopted meant being loved. 

This love and belonging is what has motivated my heart toward adoption and foster care.  It is not always easy but because of my experience I know that it matters to these precious children. 

I understand that not all adoptees have such a joyful and ideal story as I have experienced.  In fact, many children come to their adoptive or foster homes with tragically broken hearts unable to even understand love.  In those dark days of anger and fear, when a child rejects all that you are aiming to give, the love of adoptive and foster parents matters.  When the seasons of rejection seem long and heartbreaking for adoptive and foster parents and siblings, what you are doing really does matter in the lives of your children.  

And it matters in the lives of the children who are already established in your home, whether by birth or adoption.  They see your love.  They see your mistakes.  Well, I know my kids see lots of my mistakes in our attempt at loving all our children.  (This is a valuable opportunity for us to model repentance and humility and for them to learn from my mistakes.)  They see your dependence upon the Lord to walk this journey of joyful obedience, even through much heartache sometimes.  They see that God is faithful and that He is able to heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.  They see that eternity is what really matters and modeling the love of the Father and adoption into an eternal family can be done in even in an imperfect, earthly family.  They see that it is worth spending their lives for love, being poured out as a fragrant offering.

Those extended family members who have been chosen, too, as a part of an adoptive or foster family - their roles matter.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends...you matter in the lives of adopted and foster children!  Never once in my childhood did I ever believe that I was less cherished because I was not born into the family.  My grandparents' overwhelming love for me confirmed in my heart that I was precious to them.  When I look at the love our parents have for all of our children, both foster and adopted, I know that it matters to our kids.  This summer I was reminded again that the example that our siblings and their spouses give to our kids is priceless. When our children see how we interact with our grown siblings and their families, how we love one another and care for one another, they are learning that family is forever, even into adulthood.  This is an example that some of our kids have never seen prior to coming to our home - adult siblings who love one another and care for one another.  By seeing this lived out they can see how they might someday interact with their siblings and with us.  Knowing the love and support of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and family friends matters!

Tonight I'm thinking of several of our friends who are walking hard roads in adoption these days.  I think of all the people in our lives who love and support us and our growing household of children.  I want them to know that what they are doing matters.  I want them to know that it mattered to me.  I see in my kids' lives that it matters to them, too.  When it is hard, when it feels futile, when it feels broken, when it doesn't make sense, it still matters.