look what i found!

Look what I found! Haha. I wrote this and forgot to post it. but I’m doing that now because I’m currently facing the problem of writing a good piece of crap. (as if I ever do anyways, haha)

Chubster
That’s actually a nickname Abu gave to a “dear” friend of his, whom we have all gotten used to calling the same. Thing is, it’s becoming more evident now that the name suits me just as well.

What I’m going to write about is probably already written somewhere in this somewhere in this blog, or you’ve probably heard me whine about it. If you happened to be my classmate or housemate, you’ve probably already witnessed my demonstration involving the juggling, dancing love handles, which is kind of giving me the creeps.

Thing is, I know I’m not big. Get it? I know that I fit into the smaller sizes, which makes me un-big at all. Correct? The thing is, all this rest, lots of free food and also alot of love is making me a tad bit chubbier than I normally am. And normally, I just dismiss the thought because the more I think about it, the chubbier I become and the more stressed out I am. So, normally, I just let the paranoia pass because I know I look alright.

Okay, this past semester has really been a stressful one and I think that’s pretty apparent from the all the anger and whining and babbling I’ve managed to put into writing, which I have successfully posted here. Anger makes me hungry, making me eat more, but since anger is so energy consuming, it makes me slim without me having to work too hard on it. I don’t have to think about what I put in my mouth because it all burns out eventually and I’ve nothing to worry about, really.

But right now, I really am having the time of my life, even if everyday were full with nothingness. I am happy despite the fact that my hair keeps falling every time I sweep the floor, causing me to have to sweep it again. I am happy although Abdul is leaving for Penang. I am happy although I stay in all day and no one calls me to ask me out for a drink. All in all, I’m grateful and I’ve just been really happy. The thing about endorphins is that... well, it just shows. And for me, especially, it’s been showing on my cheeks, on my arms, on my hips.

And every freaking body is noticing it. Like for once, everyone is telling me that I’ve GAINED WEIGHT.! Yikes. My sister keeps on reiterating the fact that I’m chubbier since I got home. Jaja says the same. Abdul claims that I look just fine, but that’s only probably because I asked him the question all men dread: “am I fat?”. And he’s probably just being kind because he loves me too much to even notice. Even my mom says that I’m on my way to becoming her. I’m a size 36 and she’s a 42. I’m her size now? Yikes again. And my brother is also one of the kinder ones who said that I look cuter when I’m chubby. Like damn. Ugly but adorable? Yikes, yikes and yikes again.

Should I just remain a scarecrow then? Should I stop eating altogether then because all this response is upsetting me. They probably all mean well and they’re probably telling me that I’m piling on the kilos and that I should stop munching chocolates (which btw, has NEVER given me problems before where weight is concerned!). And I should probably stop eating rice? (Which is highly impossible because I truly am Malay, and we must have rice! If tak, lapar la saya ni... kan Nadira?)

Or probably I look better with these chubby cheeks.
Probably the name Chubster suits me well after all...

anti anti-virus!

I don’t even know how to start telling you about what I’ve done to keep this computer safe and sound and virus-free. I don’t know how many times I’ve reformatted my computer for fear of virus infections, I don’t know how many times I’ve been to the CC to have a new anti-virus installed, I don’t know how many CD-RW’s I’ve bought already to burn all the important data in my computer just in case it crashes. And I don’t know how much money I’ve invested in it already, just to ensure that when I sleep at night, I can be rest assured, that Insya Allah, I would not wake up in the morning only to find that I can no longer have access to all the data, photos, songs and games I’ve so carefully and diligently collected all these years.
Probably my computer isn’t one of those “canggih” ones where the monitor could be turned 360 degrees, or one which is super small it could be mistaken as a book, etc., etc. In fact, it has the most basic functions, which some of them I use only occasionally and still, I’m happy to have a computer on which I can get my work done.
But still, with all my TLC, this computer has failed to respond to me in a way which reflects all the care I have been giving. And I know it’s just plain silly to expect a gadget to reciprocate but really, trust me, if you were in my shoes, you’d be frustrated too.
And right now, a few months after I sent this computer to be reformatted and after months of hard work in making sure that all files were scanned before they were opened, it failed me AGAIN... and it’s not that I was watching some silly movie or some silly site. I was just looking at someone else’s fotopages to have a look at the photos he took for someone else’s wedding.
Argh. This is so irritating. Now, I have to fork out some money to get the CC to install a new anti-virus for me. I’m just really confused right now as to which I should use because I know that they were the ones who made the viruses anyways. So, there’s a high probability that they would release a new virus as and when they pleased just so they could sell their new products.
Am I rambling? Oh, yes, I am. I’m just so freaking frustrated, that’s all. And my computer is starting to switch itself off, and I would like to stop here before I get started on how annoyed I am of this gadget which helps me yet gives me a whole load of problem at the same time.
Salam. Good night.

chop the devil

Its 2 weeks into my holidays already. Truthfully, nothing productive or fruitful has been done to fill in the time. Just hours and hours of sleep, binge and more sleep. I’ve also made several attempts of writing a good blog entry or 2 but to no avail, although there are just about thousands of issues on which I have my 2 cents to contribute.

Ah, never mind that. I’m currently very proud of the fact that I have finally managed to clean my room, which was in total disarray when I arrived home and even more so after a week of my being home. But the sweeping-the-floor-which-will-never-be-clean part was really testy. I don’t normally sulk about housework because it’s something I don’t mind doing (besides the fact that I cannot stand dust, etc.). But I have no other option other than to complain about sweeping. Ah. The only housework I seem to have growing despise over as days go by.

I don’t understand why my room is dusty because our house isn’t on one of the busy or big roads and furthermore, my room is the top most floor, where dust particles are supposed to reach last!; this in itself is pretty hard to fathom, unless of course my knowledge of science is failing me terribly. Having to sweep the floors which refuse to become clean is another kind of agitation in itself. Imagine having swept the entire floor from one end to another, only to find out at the end of it that at the very spot you started, more dusts have accumulated. Or did I not see that dust in the beginning??

And it doesn’t help when you have hair like mine. By the end of the sweeping session, there would be strands of hair trailing after me, at every place I stepped. Argh. Annoying AND irritating! But I’m just glad that my room is organised now, though there really isn’t anything that can be done about the hair.

Speaking of the devil, I feel like having it chopped. Any suggestions, anyone? I thought of trying something new, but then again, I can’t think of a hairstyle which I have not yet tried. Hmm... look at what it was then, way, way before, what it was before it became this long, and what it looks like when it’s this long. Then, probably, you can help me decide?

tears and rain

The rain is pouring and it’s pouring really hard at the moment. Alhamdulillah my sister is back from my cousins’ sleepover party or else I would’ve been worried sick, my mom more so. The rain is pouring and here I am listening to Mr. Tumpul’s song, entitled Tears and Rain. Tears and rain. Tears and rain.

I’m currently going through the motions. I’m currently trying to put everything into perspective. I’m currently trying as much possible to accept change. After all, change is inevitable, isn’t it? And why do I feel so ashamed the fact that I hate departures? Is there even a necessity to feel so ashamed for tears that come so naturally? I mean, wouldn’t you cry if your man was leaving?

Whatever. I’m rambling ever so randomly. It’s just tears and rain...

I wish I could surrender my soul;

Shed the clothes that become my skin;

See a liar that burns within my needing.

How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.

How I wish I'd screamed out loud,

Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;

Hold memory close at hand,

Help me understand the years.

I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.

I wish I would save my soul.

I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain.

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and rain

Far, Far away;find comfort in pain

All pleasures the same: it just keeps me from trouble

Its more than just words; its just tears and rain

worth it

It was my Convocation last Saturday, and my, my, what a long day it was for all of us. All the waiting, all the multimedia presentations, all the cheering, all the hunger and all restlessness was only for less than 3 seconds on the stage. But guess what? I really don’t mind because it was worth it.

Not to brag, but I am one out of the 3 who managed to get a First Class Honours for my BLS. And I am so glad that I was there with the people I love most; my family and my closest friends. I wouldn’t have made it this far without them. I almost vowed to never come home again when my mom first dropped hints that she wouldn’t be there on the 24^th November. I know it’s a little bit childish of me, but still. It’s not everyday that I get to go on stage to receive that scroll. And of course I can’t promise her the same excellent results for my Honours, so yes; I really wanted her to be there. And of course I wanted the rest of my family to be there as well.

I’m proud of who I have become. I’m proud that I have finally gotten up from the long, hard fall I had to endure after I received my SPM results. I guess I really have found my tuft; something I really, really like to do. Though admittedly, reading the Law isn’t easy, but once you get the hang of it, it really all comes pretty naturally. It all really is common sense. And mostly, it’s all in the mind. I just hope that my Honours results are equally encouraging.

I don’t really have much to tell. I’m currently on holidays and basking in the luxury of sleep and rest. Pictures just for fun!

tak sabar dah ni

my life support

leganya kami

kanak-kanak pandai yang saya sayang

meet my firm mate, Natrah

not ready to make nice

Have you ever been in that spot where you felt like people came and went as and when they pleased? Have you ever felt like people trample on you just because you are you and that being you, you would respond ever so nicely despite the fact that you are upset, dissatisfied and utterly disappointed? Have you ever been in that spot before?

Because if you have been in that spot before, tell me what to do... please? I don’t think I’m the revengeful, remorseful, hating kind of person, bar one person, perhaps. Holding grudges against another never really has been my thing. I may be moody (where I have fluctuating mood swings, which are totally and completely incomprehensible) admittedly, but never to the point of being totally and completely rude or dismissive of people. And I am never ungrateful.

In a nutshell, I really am very seldom angry (unless of course to count the last 2 weeks of Honours I). So, it does seem silly somehow that I’m angered, annoyed and upset with the fact that some people act like I am a mat they can trample on as and when they please.

I don’t think it’s fair to disappear almost completely out of someone else’s life after all that has happened and then to come back strolling into that person’s life at one’s pleasure. Absurd isn’t it? Totally unacceptable.

Thing is, I used to have so much tolerance, so much patience for all these nitty gritty stuff which are actually quite petty, considering all other things that I have in mind. It’s just that I think I need to lash it out. Siapa tergigit cili, terasa lah pedasnya.

I’ve stopped being tolerant now. I’ve stopped being nice. I think it’s important that I make a statement. I think it’s important for some people to know that just because I act all nice almost all the time you can come strolling back into my life when you feel like you need me out of a sudden.

It’s not that I am hoping that people would reciprocate. It’s not that I am hoping that I would get return for all that I’ve done. I enjoy being a good friend. I enjoy being a confidante. I enjoy being there when people need me. Just don’t make it so obvious that you were using me for a temporary necessity and that I’ve actually lost such importance when you’ve gained what you came for to begin with.

I really shouldn’t be so angry, correct? It really isn’t worth my anger.

But like I said, I just need to make a statement.

Please. Don’t expect me to act like nothing happened when you’ve shut me out completely... well, okay, almost completely.

Don’t expect me to forget that you somehow forgot that we were good friends and that we enjoyed talking to each other.

Don’t expect me not to be angry because I DO feel USED.

So, don’t expect me to be nice just because I’m me. And trust me, I am nice.

I’m just not ready to make nice. Not for now.

from friendster to blogspot

AQUAR IUS - The best
(1/20-2/18)

Great talker- I wouldn’t like litigation if I’m not great at talking

Attractive and passionate- very (though probably a little bit vain on the “attractive” part)

Laid back- yes (when I’m not serious)

Knows how to have fun- oh, yes, within limits, of course

Is really good at almost anything- I would say I try my best all the time

Great kisser- rahsia

Unpredictable- absolutely true!

Outgoing- when I feel like it

Down to earth- iyeap, if you knew me well enough, you would know

Addictive- ask Abdul. He’ll verify ;p

Loud- yes. Speak your mind. Why keep mum, huh?

Loves being in long relationships-

totally! Why skip from one guy to another within short periods of time? Jatuh saham

Talkative- pok pek pok pek. Non-stop

Not one to mess with- people know better then to mess with me

Rare to find- try and find another me if you can! I should be preserved ;p

Good when found- very, very good

7 years of bad luck if you do not repost-
I’ve reposted. Rezeki di tangan Tuhan. Mana nak tau bad luck ke tak. Apa daaa~~

laugh and cry

My heart smiles at such good luck, Alhamdulillah. Truly, Allah is fair. He will never ever give you what you cannot handle. He puts you through hardship so that when all the rain and storm is gone, you’d appreciate the rainbow that you see at the end of it even more. Allah is kind. He shall never leave you if you remember Him always. In fact, He forgives you when you ask for forgiveness.

And I am truly thankful for the blessed life he has, and for all the good luck that has come tumbling, after all the hardship he had to go through.

But my heart cries; though just a little bit, it cries. Penang is such a distance away. I’m fine with Malacca because it’s still quite near as compared to anywhere else. But Penang? It’s going to need some getting used to, I’m very sure of that.

But nonetheless, I am still happy all the same. Very, very happy. The tears are grateful and sad at the same time. Things will go well, Allah willing.

Many things have happened this past week, actually, and I’ve of course written something on them. But on my second reading, I decided against posting them. They are a little bit private actually, and the issues I have currently can never be settled by posting blog entries. I’ll figure a way to deal with them and I need to do it soon.

For now, let’s just rejoice in Allah’s kindness and fairness.

selamat sangat

Finally, all papers have come and gone, and to my surprise, Advanced Civil Procedure paper wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. And now, I’m just lazing around on my bed (which btw I haven’t slept on for a week or so due to the mess) thinking about nothing, and listening to melancholic songs yang sangat sesuai dengan jiwa saya.

Am I ungrateful if I said that I don’t really have much of a “life”. I mean, it’s not that I’m dead or anything, it’s just that my life is so routine that I’m getting sick of it. I meet the same people everyday, I go to parties with the same crowd all the time, I go to class, I come back, I read books, I sleep, I eat. Boring kan hidup saya?

And don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the people I meet everyday. In fact, they’re the people who understand me most because we all go through the same series of ups and downs. I’m talking about me.

I feel like I’m living so safely, to the point that it is TOO safe. I go to the same eat-outs, and order the same thing every time. I’m so scared to try new food because I don’t want to waste money. Mengarut tak? I don’t meet up with people though there are just tons of people whom I would love to meet up with now. Like Sonia, K.Edi, K.Za, Myra and more of other people whom I’ve just lost touch with because I’m just TOO busy concentrating on my Honours.

And all this is because to begin with, I don’t even know the road to get to where they are. As far as directions are concerned, I am the Queen of Worst. What’s worse is that I’m actually the Queen of Lost too. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t get lost going to or coming back from somewhere. (except for Subang la because I go there more often now). Even that, sometimes I get confused.

I’m so scared to go out at night, and that’s because of all the gory stories reported in the newpapers which we all are scared of I think. And I don’t travel much because I’m not allowed to drive out of the Federal Territories.

Sometimes, I just feel like my life is stuck in bottle, or a coconut shell, or something of that nature. I lack exposure. I lack a life. I lack permission for alot of things. I lack the trust of my parents. I lack the courage to ask because I’m afraid of rejection. I’m just lacking where life in general is concerned and this honestly sux.

Sometimes, I live too safely just makes me sick, Sick, SICK. Right down to my stomach.

Give me an injection of courage and life. And just let me try to live this life. Not too safely this time.

Sorry emo sikit. It always happens when I see pictures of people overseas travelling to Europe and stuff like that like they didn’t have to bother about a thing. Seronok kan kadang-kadang boleh live life sesuka hati macam itu? Seronok dapat jalan-jalan. Seronok when things are cheap and you’re getting scholarship yang banyak. At least more than mine lah, yang rate 20 tahun lepas. Mimpi jer la nak increment. Pegi mampus.

of trust, distrust and abuse of trust

Believe it or not, these past few weeks have seen me stressing out over the fact that I can no longer write a good piece of crap. Honestly, I’ve just lost it. Or probably, I’ve just lost things to write about, or the interest to put my 2 cents in, if any.

I’ve one more exam paper to sit for, and one mock trial to prepare. I’ll be the defence cousel, which is cool actually considering the fact that I just love to cross-examine and make the witnesses confused. Haha. I’m trying my best to make peace with civil and at least TRY to like it just a little bit, but to no avail. I won’t elaborate further. I don’t want to keep on telling my mind that I hate it for fear that I might actually believe in it and abandon it altogether. (I’m talking about Advanced Civil Procedure, just in case you’re wondering).

I lost my ATM card yesterday, which makes me sad because I’ll be out of business for the whole weekend. And just in case some of you didn’t know, I sell credit now. The commission isn’t exactly to die for but the work isn’t at all tough. So, I’ve no complaints on that. Back to my lost ATM card- I was at the TTDI Maybank yesterday morning depositing some of the money I collected from the business. And being the excited (and of course careless) me, I forgot to take the ATM card after the receipt was issued by the Deposit Machine.

I don’t think I turned my back for more than 5 minutes before I realised that the card was missing and I didn’t even leave the premises. But then, when I went back to the Deposit Machine, the card was gone, as in GONE. I mean, don’t be surprised by my surprise, but I always thought that Taman Tun people were alot more civilised than the rest of the world, (no offence to the rest of the world, of course), but I’ve always known Taman Tun people to be some of the most honest and trustworthy of all the people I know.

But you know what? Yesterday was a real eye-opener. I didn’t find my card and I was panicking (of course) like I would, and so, I called up Abdul (like I always do when I can’t think for myself), and did the necessary to cancel the ATM card. So you see, no one can be trusted in this world today. I used to wonder alot about why we no longer trust people enough to stop by the road to help when we see someone in despair, with a car in need of repair.

of trust, distrust and abuse of trust Part II

I used to wonder why we keep our gates closed ALL the time, and why we locked our doors even in broad daylight. I mean, I do come from that era where we simply crossed over to our neighbours’ houses WITHOUT the use of gates, and where the doors and grills of our neighbours’ houses were always open for us when we needed a drink. Kan Pear? (if Pear is reading this), she would know how boundary-less and carefree we used to be. We used to run from house to house like no one’s business in Seremban because in the first place, there wasn’t even a gate to separate my cousin’s house and her grandma’s house.

And Siti (my former neighbour) would know that we thought of each other’s houses as our own because we went in and out, NOT using the gate, like I mentioned before. And Aimi (also our former neighbour) would know what it feels like to be in a community where my mother’s children are also her mother’s children, vice versa because we weren’t THIS selfish to just mind our own businesses ALL the time, without caring what the hell is happening to the world around us.

But when I moved in to KL, I got the shock of my life because none of these things were happening. And I honestly don’t wonder anymore because nothing like the things I used to have in Seremban can ever be done here in KL. There’s just too much distrust amongst the members of the society. There are way too many GREAT con mans who know the tricks of the trade and know HOW and WHEN to tackle and trick other people.

It’s sickening to know that no one is ever going to be safe anywhere they go. It’s sad to know that MY children will be brought up in a world where I will ALWAYS have to put a leash on them although I would hate to make them feel like I am controlling. It’s sick. And don’t even let me start about the late Nurin Jazlin. Or the murder of the 9 year old who was thrown out of a condominium window after she was raped, sodomised and murdered.

What on earth do you guys see in a 9 year old? I mean, don’t you see that they are just KIDS? Not that I want any of these mentally sick people to be attracted to me, but please. Pick on somebody your own size lah. Or somebody as sickly as yourself so that the both of you would enjoy all those worldly and distorted pleasures that other people repel.

What has become of the eastern society we used to be so proud of? What has happened to the minds of the people in the world? Why has sex become the centre of most peoples’ minds? Is there NOTHING we can do to help or change the world? Would this world ever be safe, ever again? For me, for you, for our sisters and children?

I think not. And that scares the hell out of me.