MP3 Player - the New Magic 8 Ball

Make your MP3 Player the new Magic 8 Ball.
Put it on random, then ask it a question and see what happens. The answer lies in the song title that comes up.

Or, you can do the below Q&A that I picked up from some other site (although I don’t remember where).

So on the train this morning, I asked little Luka (he’s my iPod) these questions and the answers below are what he spit back at me. I am going to spend the weekend analyzing the responses. But this exercise strengthens my suspicion that Luka isn’t really the friend I believe him to be and is out to get me. Of the possible 4,922 responses, these are the best he could come back with?

PS – The below answers are the honest-to-God ones that popped up in all cases. They were not changed for dramatic or comedic effect, despite the fact that I think some of them couldn’t be funnier if I’d written it myself (see answers to #4, 7, 11)

1. What is my day going to be like?
“Hey Boy Hey Girl” – Chemical Brothers
2. How does the world see you?
“White Houses” by Vanessa Carlton
3. Will I have a happy life?
“Oceans Away” – the Fray
4. What do my friends really think of me?
“How Bizarre” - OMC (I am not lying on this one)
5. Do people secretly lust after me?
“When Tomorrow Comes” – the Eurythmics
6. How can I make myself happy?
“Lady (Hear Me Tonight)” - MoDJo (Um, yeah. Most of my friends know this one is waaaay off.)
7. What should I do with my life?
“Dancing Queen” - Abba (I knew there was something missing in my life.)
8. What am I afraid of?
“Saturday Morning" - the Eels
9. What is my biggest regret?
“Mama Told Me Not to Come” – Tom Jones & Stereophonics (I am just gonna stay away from that one.)
10. What is my biggest extravagance?
“Forever on My Mind” – the BoDeans
11. What is some good advice for me?
“Laid” – James (Once again, swear to God I am not lying on this. I have to say, this is probably the best advice I've received in months.)
12. How will I be remembered?
“84,000 Different Delusions” – Shawn Colvin
13. What should my theme song be?
“Total Eclipse of the Heart” – Bonnie Tyler (OK, I don’t even know how this song got onto my iPod in the first place)
14. What song will play at my funeral?
“Tether” – Indigo Girls (That one is lame)
15. If I could change one thing about my life, what would it be?
“Perfect” – Maren Ord (Yeah, now I know this whole thing is full of crap.)

Potato Chip

The day I moved into my cubicle, I noticed a potato chip under my desk, towards the corner (yep, that's a photo of it above). I meant to pick it up and throw it away but got distracted and forgot. The next day I noticed it still there. Again, thought about throwing it out but fogot. And then the next day I noticed it was still there.

We have a cleaning crew that comes through here each night to clean, and yet the potato chip was not vacuumed up by the cleaners. It seems to me that maybe they're not doing as thorough a job as they should be.

So now it is a battle of wills. I am not going to pick it up because I think the cleaning person should vacuum it away. And now, said potato chip has been under my desk for almost two weeks. I wonder how long it is going to stay there. Anyone want to place any bets? I'm giving it a month.

Dunkin Donuts Haiku

Walking to work each day I pass about 5 Dunkin Donuts. Normally this isn’t a problem. But Man, today it became harder and harder to resist the beckoning of the boston crème and “strawberry” frosted at each passing.

I successfully resisted, but as I sit here now I wonder if that small, vague feeling of will power victory floating in the back of my brain is really better than that sensation of creamy, lardy goodness that could be floating through my stomach right now.

Also, I’m worried that I will end up running* out for one** in about an hour anyway. I haven’t haiku’d in about a year, and I think this is as good a reason as any:

Walk to work today
Siren call Yummy Custard
Resist, you fat ass!

* and by "running" I of course mean walking slowly
** and by "one" I of course mean a half dozen.

Another Reason Not to Ride a Motorcycle

Driving on Lake Shore Drive, near North Ave., I see a motorcyclist at the roadside standing looking onto LSD at a few articles of clothing that had fallen off his bike - a pair of shoes, some shirts - and onto the Drive. He's standing there like he's going to go out into the Drive and get them. Dude, it's Lake Shore Drive! Those shoes are as good as gone; just let it go. Let it go.

I Am Apple Pie

...and not particularly happy about it. I didn't realize I was so boring, so predictable.

You Are Apple Pie

You're the perfect combo of comforting and traditional Those who like you crave security

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Friday Thoughts

Well, today is the end of my first official week back on the employment wagon. It is also payday – the first paycheck I’ve received in about 14 weeks (!). Because I’ve been focused on work, I don’t have a lot to blog about, but a few things of interest:

1. After one week, I have exactly 20 messages in my Outlook inbox. Which is to say, this job is much different than any of my previous ones, since in other jobs I would average about 20 messages an hour in my inbox. I think this is going to be a nice change.
2. I’m growing increasingly concerned by my cluelesness over what time of year it is. This has been a problem for about a year. I used to have a good internal calendar. Is it an age thing? Last week it was no knowledge about the whole daylight savings. Earlier in the week I was in the kitchen and for a split second convinced myself it was October and that the Holidays were coming soon. And to top it all off, I don’t think I realized until Tuesday that it is Easter week. I have got to pull my shit together.
3. Wednesday was my first day in Chicago that I did not have to wear a jacket when going outdoors. The very first. And while I’m thrilled by that, I’m a little disappointed that it took until the frickin’ middle of April before it could happen.
4. I am not the only person I know that has started a new job recently. Congrats to my friends KatyF, Rebecca and The Core. There is good mojo out there if you're looking for a job.
5. Happy Birthday, Richard!
6. Happy Birthday, Kirsey!
7. I have not been to the pool in a week. Normally this would be upsetting news but I cannot muster the energy to care.

So NOT Lovin' It

Walking to work this morning I felt thirsty and in need of caffeine. I was close to a McDonald's (the old Rock n' Roll McDonalds on LaSalle and Ontario) so I stopped in to get a Coke because I could get a big one and on the cheap.

Well to my surprise McDonald's ain't so cheap anymore. A large Coke is $2.09. Wasn't there a time in the recent past where you could get a large for, like, a buck? I think I could have gone to the gas station across the street and paid less. But even if that were true, I would have missed out on the witty exchange between me and the assistant manager working the register:

• Me: "Wow. $2.09. I thought McDonalds was supposed to be cheap."
• Assistant Mgr: "Yeah. No. I guess not. Let me re-ring it and see if there's a mistake." (He re-rings it.) No, I guess not."
• Me: "..."
• AM: "You could, like, get a 2-liter at the store for that price."
• Me: "..."
• AM: "But, like, there is a lot of Coke in a large. Well, that and a lot of ice."

Which is fine, because two bucks for 20 ounces of ice and 12 ounces of Coke is so totally worth it.

Interviewing is Hell (Or: Why my life has Sucked these last 2 months)

Now that I finally have a job and don't have to worry about jinxing myself, I can finally say it: Job Interviews Suck Ass. The last two months have been sheer absolute Hell. There cannot be a more demoralizing, de-humanizing process than interviewing for a job. And this is from someone who, up until this process began, had a high confidence level – I liked to think that I was a good package (good interviewer + good resume).

And everyone says, "Oh, you should be relaxing! Take advantage of not working and go out and have fun." Fun my Ass. I'm in Chicago and it is winter and I'm broke. Watching E! and hanging out at Starbucks will only take you so far on the Fun Bus.

And it is true - looking for a job is full-time work: applying for jobs online, surfing company websites for leads, contacting friends who may or may not be able to help you out ("My neighbor’s cat-sitter’s second cousin works for so-and-so. Let me talk to him and see if he knows anyone” blah blah blah), customizing your resume, customizing your cover letter, going in for interviews that last hours at a time, fucking LUNCH INTERVIEWS, follow-up thank you notes.

Part of the problem is that, for better or worse, the last ten years or so my job seemed to be a large part of who I am. Your job is part of your identity. So when you don't have one and are searching for one, you feel morally, socially and civically lost. Let alone when you don't get the job you apply for. You come out the other end of the process scarred, sleep deprived, over or underweight (depending on your “relationship” with food), alcoholic and quite possibly with a substance abuse problem (luckily in my case I’ve come out only “scarred”; I was overweight and alcoholic before this process started).

At my level in my field, the job opps can be slim pickins. With two agencies I interviewed with, they liked my resume and wanted me to come in for "informational interviews" because they didn't have anything available at my level (which is code for: "If we like you enough we can find something, but otherwise we're off the hook on committing to anything."). One of them said nice things about me during the interview but ended the day with, "We'll let you know if something comes available." (Which I took to mean, "Yeah, we liked you but not that much."
The other said, "Even though we don't have anything at this time, we like you and we're going to try to create a position for you." Which was great because I liked these guys and it would have been a good job. So I was excited and flying high for about a week, only to get a call from them a few days later saying, "We tried to work it, but we simply can't hire you at this point." I felt like someone had slammed a car door into my head.

Then there was the previously mentioned douchebags/agency that had me come in three different times to meet with four different execs. Personally, I think when you've met with four different Vice Presidents the agency must be pretty serious about you, right? Wrong. After the last interview they said, "We'll be making a decision at the end of the month and will let you know." When the end of the month came and went and I didn't hear from them, I sent an email. Two days later I get a response saying, "We went with another candidate. But thanks for coming in." Now, that's an Ouch on many different levels. That's like, "Not only didn't we hire you, but you sucked so bad that we didn't even bother to call you back to let you know."

All the while you have to keep repeating to yourself: “I am a good person. I am a smart person. People like me.” But after a few weeks when the phone don’t ring and you don’t get that email response back, you don’t believe it so much. Surely I can’t be the only person that knows what a good person I am?

As I’ve mentioned above, I have good experience, but much of it coming from working with a certain large software maker. This can be a bad thing when employers assume that you’re only good for hi-tech work. Two different interviewers said to me, “Hmm, you’ve got good experience with hi-tech, but we do consumer work. Why would you think you’d be good for our company?” Now, I know they ask me that because they want to see how I will answer (and I think I answer that question well). But you get so frustrated that you want to spit back, “I dunno, why don’t you tell me why I might be good for this job? You called me in for the interview, asshole.” You either like my resume or you don’t, but don’t sit there and nit-pick my experience. So I spent a few years helping to launch an operating system and getting press to understand how software can help people with disabilities and elderly, and not working for Purina Cat Chow and Dannon “X-Treme Fruit Smoothies.” My background is what it is and I’m not going to apologize for it, douchebags!

Besides, my interview shoes – the ones I never wear except for interviews – hurt my feet and I was getting really tired of wearing them. So if nothing else, I’m glad to be employed so I no longer have to wear them.

Hours of Entertainment

Holy crap, now I've got something to do this weekend.

Sox Game

Yesterday Fred took me to the Sox vs. Indians game, my first Sox game in about 25 years.

On the way to the game on the train I was stopped by a woman who, upon seeing my Sox cap said to me: "Sox are gonna WIN today!" a few decibels higher than what I might consider appropriate for the morning train. Everyone in the car turned to look, and all I could do was sort-of nod my head and look away, embarrassed. Apparently not satisfied with my response, she continued: "...because it's MY BIRTHDAY!!" That's great, drunk-at-10:30am-lady. Now please move along.

The weather was supposed to be great for it, but it turned out to be downright cold (shocker, I know). I spent most of the game shaking from the cold, imagining that it was August and sunny. I am not close to being considered a fan of baseball but I love going to games, so hopefully this was the first of many this summer. After 11-innings, Sox lost 4-3. A great time overall, but a few highlights:

• Because we were among the first 20K into the park, we got a commemorative replica of the Sox 2005 World Champion Trophy. If that wasn't good enough, someone told me I could probably get a few hundred dollars for it on eBay.
  
• Had my first PBR in, like, five years (thanks, Laura!). It is the first time I willingly chose one in my life...ever. (The only other option was a Miller Lite, so it wasn't really such a tough decision.)
• Fred told me he actually has a blog, but won't give me the URL. Dickhead.
• In a moment of spontaneous inspirational dance, I saw an old guy a few rows ahead of us standing up and doing the robot. No joke, the robot. And he was like 65 years old. Unfortunately I may have been the only one who witness this - Fred missed it.
• Fight in the outfield. I bet it was Ms. Drunk Birthday Lady too.
  

Below a photo of Fred and I standing next to the almighty Sox 2005 World Champion Trophy. (A life-altering moment for me.)

Personally, Not My Choice...

...for a personalized license plate, but hey. I guess it is tough to shake some of those nicknames you get in college.

Letter to the Editor

I have never written a letter to the editor in my life, but last month I did so in response to the cover story in The Advocate that attempts to outline the creation of two seperate and competing athletic events this summer for gay & lesbian atheletes (the Outgames in Montreal and the Gay Games in Chicago. Basically, I think the article failed to capture how the creation of the Outgames and the division it has caused among the community is a bad thing). And they printed it!

There's my name and my letter printed on page 14. It is weird seeing your name printed in a real life national magazine.

I Am a Benelovent Visionary

I took a personality quiz from a site called Personal DNA that tests my personality. You should take it too (but give yourself about 15 minutes to do it, and another 30 to analyze the results it spits back out to you).

It turns out that I am a "Benelovent Visionary" represented visually like this:

Benevolent Visionary

But truth be told, even after reading the detailed description of what a "Benelovent Visionary" is, I still don't quite know. Overall I am fine with the results (but I guess they could tell me that I was a "Depressive Sociopath" and I would have been fine with that too), except that part of being a BV requires (despite "average masculinity") having "a high degree of femininity." And everyone that knows me knows how that is TOTALLY NOT TRUE.

Anyone interested in reading my full report it is here:

My Personal Dna Report

And on another matter altogether, aren't they supposed to announce when it is Daylight Savings? Or have they been doing that and I am that completely out of touch with reality?

First Chicago Celebrity Sighting

Eating breakfast this morning at Michael's on North Ave, we saw Billy Corgan (of Smashing Pumpkins). As we passed him, he was complaining to his dining companion that they didn't have herbal tea. What did you expect, Billy? You're eating at Michael's for crissakes!

I found this photo of him online, and it was pretty much exactly what he was wearing this morning - same hat and scarf. Times must be tough. I guess singing lessons for Billy are out of the question if he's wearing the same clothes all the time.

Stylin Rob - Part II

This week's Cherry Ride Question of The Week involves Stylin' Rob. Unlike previous QOTW's, you can vote for as many answers as you like.

'Bags of the Week

Permit me to be crude and bitter for a moment today. I don't use the term "douchebag" (or any of its cousins: douche-cracker, douche-rocket, douche-wad, etc.) very often even though I think it is deserving in certain situations. Sometimes you just have to use it to describe certain people: Tom Cruise, George W., Dick Cheney, Ryan Seacrest, Fred Durst, Sean Hannity, Bob Novak, that guy in Starbucks with the cell phone holder).

But today I am honoring the Chicago office of a certain worldwide PR agency (winner of the 2003 Holmes Report "International Agency of the Year") as being Douchebags of the Week. For having me come in three different times for interviews, having me meet with four different executives, and then not having the courtesy to contact me to let me know I didn't get the job. Nice follow-up, Douchebags.
There, I feel better now.

Cool

This is the coolest clock I've ever seen. I nabbed it from Hello Ninja.

King Kong

Every once in awhile the geek in me comes out and gets excited for DVD releases. The deluxe version of King Kong came out yesterday and I think I'll be watching me some of it this evening. Am I the only person who thought it was the best movie of 2005? (Yes, probably.)

This is a test. There is nothing to see here...

Things I Would Buy with an Extra $1K

1. New earbuds for my iPod. ‘Cuz those Apple ones truly suck and I can’t believe I still use them. I want those Bang and Olufsen ones that are a couple hundred bucks. I don’t care that I’ll lose them in about 6 days. That’s what I want.




2. Tickets to London. Because I’m missing me some “Hollyoaks” and dirty Indian.







3. Some dignity and/or self respect. (Oh wait. That's more than $1K)







4. Eames Plywood Lounge Chair. Is it wrong to want one of these things badly? (Likely.) Is it wrong that I want 4 of them? (Certainly.) Is it wrong that they cost about $600 each? (Most Definitely).







5. Vegas baby, Vegas!









6. Membership, lessons in a Rowing Club.











7. Jenny Craig.








8. Tivo – 'Cuz like Diddy, I am waaaay to busy to watch tv these days.







9. Adidas Y-3/Yohji Yamamoto black leather soccer shoes (yeah, they’re totally worth the $300 price tag).

Classy-Assy

One of the great things about moving back to Chicago has been re-connecting with my family. Yesterday we took my mom out to dinner for her birthday, and afterwards went to check out my brother and Kari's new condo. Ethel, my grandma, called it "classy-assy." If I were still back in DC, I doubt I would have the opportunity to hear a ninety-something woman use the term classy-assy.

Let's Start a Nuclear War at the Gay Bar

Yesyerday Fred introduced me to Electric 6, from Detroit. Their song "Gay Bar" rawks my sawks. "Gay Bar" on its own is brilliant. But "Gay Bar" sung by flying viking kittys on rathergood.com is so brilliant it is criminal. Or maybe just psychotic.

My 2006 Personal Motto

The results from last week's poll are in, and it is a three-way tie (which, I think, is fitting. I mean, like pretty much everything in my life right now, why should anything be easy or clear-cut?).

Therefore, my battle cries for the rest of the year will be: "Put it on my tab" (good), "I'm not wearing underpants" (also good) and "Popozao!" (I'm glad that others share my sense of humor).

This is actually a good thing because each of them will come in handy for any of the various situations I may get into this year (run-ins with the cops, three-day controlled substance benders, job interviews, traffic court appearances, confrontations with old ladies and right-wing fundamentalists, etc. You name it.)

New poll regarding my continued unemployment appears to the right. Please vote, and vote often.

Best Song of the 21st Century

(Ed. note: I had a lot of time on my hands this afternoon when I wrote this entry.)

This month's Esquire Magazine has a feature that tries to determine the best song of the 21st Century (so far). The grid used in determining the song - a single elimination grid that pits 32 songs against each other - is also found on their website here. The object is to play along with the magazine and see if your choice matches theirs. It is a fun game and if you have 5 minutes you should check it out.

I admire their ambition, but like anything that tries to determine the "best" of something, it is flawed. What makes something the best? In this case, I think it is commercial success or maybe the "catchiest" songs, not necessarily based on the artistic merit (perhaps the reason songs from artists like System of a Down and Maroon 5 are listed instead of, say, the Shins, Emmilou Harris, or Wilco).

And how did Esquire get the list down to these 32 songs? (Do they really believe a song like John Mayer's "Daughters" is a better song than, say, Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone"? -- Sure, "Gone" is a bubblegum pop anthem from a top-40 princess, but I'll bet people will be listening to that song long after "Daughters" is a faded memory. If you like Mayers, why not "No Such Thing"? which I bet most people would agree is a far better song.) How about Madonna's "Music" or Justin Timberlake? Dave Matthews? No Doubt? Mary J. Blige? Alan Jackson or Toby Keith over Gretchen Wilson?

There are two ways to go about playing the game: you could choose songs based on your own personal like/dislike, or you could try to imagine which of the songs, regardless of your personal opinion of them, will sort-of "stand the test of time." (For example, Sheryl Crow's "Soak Up the Sun" is a featured song; I'm personally sick of it but I think it will probably be remembered long after Beck's "The Golden Age" will be; therefore, I would vote for Sheryl over Beck for this game, even though I think Beck's song is better.)

However, using this system I couldn't pit the two songs against each other anyway. Some of the pairings are very hard -- it is tough to choose "Somebody Told Me" vs. "Feel Good Inc." because I like both of them; just as it is hard to choose "Get Ur Freak On" vs. "Best of You" because personally they're both crap.

I suppose you could over-analyze this exercise like I have, or you could just have fun with it.

By the start of round four, after some painful choices, I was down to four songs: "Float On", "Crazy in Love", "Hey Ya" and "Beautiful Day" (a song that, by the way, was released in late summer 2000 so technically from the last century so probably shouldn't be on this list to begin with).

In the end, I chose "Hey Ya" by Outkast for two reasons: I think it is the best of my four finalists, and because I think it is the only one of my final 4 that my hypothetical grandkids might hear on a radio in 2050. Turns out, only 5% of the people agreed with me. For those of you who will play along, I won't give away the current winner.

Curious to see how others voted. Gimme a shout-out and let me know.

Product Endorsement of the Week

Pandora.com.
Tell Pandora what kind of music you like (supply them with your favorite artists and/or songs), and they'll create our own private, personalized radio station for you. Sure, you can do this elsewhere, but Pandora is really easy to use, and its just cooler anyway.

According to the website, it works because a group of folks got together and for 5 years analyzed over 10K different music acts and assembling hundreds of musical attributes (or "genes" as they call them) to create the Music Genome. Or something like that.

So as this radio station streams music to your computer, you rate each song that comes through so that the engine and algorythms keep refining your playlist. And it is fun to see what music the station plays next (not sure how it happened, but an old Billy Joel song popped up this morning -- ummm, no thanks.) Anyway, give it a try. I've already found a new favorite band.

Ever Since I Can Remember I've Been Poppin' My Collar

There's been an emptiness in my life for several months and I can't figure out what it is. Then today I remembered - it's Stylin' Rob! I've been back to his site and nothing for months! SR, please come back to us. There are a few people in Portland, Seattle and London who miss you.

In other news: Conan O'Brien is coming to Chicago to film four episodes in May. I'll spend my last dollar if I have to..

Lunch Interview

Why do people think it is a good idea to schedule a lunch interview? How is it possible to conduct any meaningful interview over a turkey club sandwich or salad?
Today I had such an interview with a potential employer. So not only did I need to be clever for more than an hour - a difficult task (as opposed to a regular office interview, which requires about 30-45 minutes of cleverness), but I also had to spend more time than a person should worrying about what to eat. And what to do if I should spill something (very likely for me). Or worse, get something stuck in my teeth (an even likelier scenario).

I asked my friend Sara "What does one eat in an interview?" more as a rhetorical question than anything else, and she quickly responded with: "Two cocktails and finger food." Sage advice.

I ended up defaulting to the Cobb Salad (I was under pressure to make a decision and my mind totally blanked on everything else) - a bold decision considering the lettuce, bacon and tomato factor - and between bites tried to subtly swish mineral water around my mouth to prevent any food from sticking to my teeth. My potential future employer conducted the interview between bites, scribbling notes on my resume, which sat between his bowl of soup and the bread basket.

Overall, a nightmare situation. I'm convinced that if I don't get the job it will be because I didn't order the steak, offending my interviewer's Midwest sensibilities. I was sure to use the proper fork, so hopefully I will score points for that.

Eurovision Song Contest

The countdown to the most important European event of the year has kicked off. No, it wasn't the Winter Olympics in Turino, it is the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest in Athens this coming May.

Wingman sent me a link to the latest controversy in Serbia-Montenegro, where the country has decided not to participate in this year's contest due to some internal fighting over their country's oifficial entry. Very scandalous. Poor, cute boy band No Name (pictured below). Their chances for international stardom (and by "international" I really mean a shot at recognition in Serbia-Montenegro and perhaps neighboring Yugoslavia) may be gone forever.

But what I find most intriguing is that S-M faces "a possible 3 year ban from the contest and a fine of up to 35,000 Swiss Francs" because they've withdrawn. Which begs the question, is it really that important to the ESC people that S-M participate?? This ain't the United Nations or the Olympics. It's a glorified American Idol, for chrissakes.

After witnessing last year's contest I find it unbelieveable that so many people take the event seriously (to my eyes, the whole thing looks like an episode of Star Search, and that ain't no complement). Personally, I thought the ESC was just a geography lesson for kids, with pyrotechnics and sequened outfits. But in a way I guess it is refreshing to think that with everything that happens in this world, there are people and whole nations that can put such misplaced priority on the ESC.

Last year I experienced my first Eurovision Song Contest Party while I was in London (the play-by-play is here). I am hoping that I can return to London in May to experience the drama firsthand.

Tragic Drag Queen of the Week

Not only is it Friday here at the Ride, but it is also St. Patrick's Day, and what better way to celebrate the occasion than to highlight one of our (and by "our" I mean mine) favorite Tragic Drag Queens!
In honor of St. Patty's, this week's TDG is Titts McGee.
Titts comes to us from suburban Boston MA, where she works as a truck driver and plays mommy to her Tabbys: Miss Leeza and Ronaldo. She counts Sara Lee, Bette Davis and Lane Bryant as her inspirations, and enjoys acrylic and caramel.
When not working (and Honey, she's always working), Titts likes to spend time at late night keggers, Atlantic City and KFC.
Her motto is: "Show momma where it hurts."

Da South Side

Last Saturday night, hanging out with Doug and David at NoMI at the Park Hyatt, we met a woman from the South Side. Doug was impressed by this (apparently the fact that I too am from the South Side is not impressive to him).
Doug: "Say something 'South Side'."
Woman: "Where's my money?'

In other news, last week's Cherry Ride Question of the Week: after a whopping 22 votes, almost half of you (45%) agreed that "Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp" won the Academy Award because it's a song about a pimp. Second place went to those who agreed it was supposed to be a joke.

Tragic Drag Queen of the Week

It's Friday night here at the Ride, and that means we're ready to party. And what better way to prepare for the weeekend than by introducing our new Friday feature: Tragic Drag Queen (or TDQ for those in the know) of the Week.
This week's TDQ is Miss Anita Cocktail.
Miss Cocktail is a Midwestern girl at heart (from Minneapolis) but still has dreams of making it in the big city, "like Baltimore."
Girl's been a drag queen for about 30 years now. She works in telephone sales and counts Juice Newton as her idol/inspiration.
Miss Cocktail likes "strong men and strong drinks", and lists soduko and diet cherry vanilla coke as her dislikes.
Her motto is "I'm Fierce!" and she drives a Suzuki Samurai.

Random Thoughts This Week

1. I’ve almost reached a milestone on my Flickr site – almost 500 photos loaded.
2. The last two weeks I’ve been slowly connecting with a few of my friends from high school and college. Like me almost all of them are fatter. Unlike me, almost all of them have kids; as many as four. Four kids!
3. Found out this week that I didn’t get a call back for a second interview from a large PR agency here in town because, according to my headhunter, they found my experience “too specific” for their needs. Apparently experience with hi-tech, corporate affairs and consumer accounts is too specialized. Bite me.
4. My friend Tom told me it took him 10 months to find a job he liked here. 10 months! Do I need to start applying to Starbucks??
5. My dad confessed to me that in the early seventies he had an afro. So big, in fact, that his fro stuck out from his fireman’s helmet. I’m not sure how I feel about this revelation, but I am praying for photographic evidence.
6. Portland isn’t that big of a town, yet three of my friends from there now live here in Chicago, and I think that’s a little weird.
7. I had a dream last night where all the jars and cans in the kitchen cupboards were upside down, so I had to take everything out and restock them right-side up. What does that mean?
   

R2, Do You is Fucking

Think twice about picking up one of those Chinese-produced cheap pirated DVDs from street vendors. And no, not because buying pirated DVDs is illegal (and that would just be wrong) or because street vendors are creepy. Mostly because the translators don't always have the best handle on the subtleties of the English language. For proof, check this out from a guy who bought a pirated copy of "Revenge of the Sith". Or maybe the guy translating the movie just thought it was a complete piece of crap and not worthy of his effort, which I guess is totally understandable. Either way, Hilarious.

Two Things I Won't Be Eating

Everyone knows I like to get my fast food on. But these are two things I won't be eating anytime soon:
The Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme:








And I don't care that it's Lent, the McDonald's Double Filet-O-Fish:

Overheard in Chicago

Finally, a site for other voyeurs like me, Overheard in Chicago. Now I have more than just "Overheard in NY" and "Tube Talk" to keep me busy. Since at this point I don't take public transportation, hang out in public places, or go anywhere without my iPod, how else am I going to listen in on other people's conversations?

And on a totally unrelated note: have fun next week, Jason. We all expect pictures.

Bush Cheney Bumper Sticker

Cherry is about to get all political today. This morning I was late trying to get to the pool, so of course I got stuck behind a pickup truck (on the South Side!) driving too slow with one of those "Bush-Cheney" bumper stickers. It was 5 in the morning, no other cars on the streets, and this guy is going about 30 and taking up both lanes so I couldn't pass him. So this guy pissed me off at the start of my day, and it got me thinking about his bumper sticker, and just how wrong it is.

Let's say you voted for Bush in 2000 because you didn't like Gore. And in 04 you didn't like Kerry. Fine, whatever.

And maybe you voted for Bush (both times) because you're a Republican and you need to support the party. Which is fine, I can (sorta) respect that.

Hopefully you didn't vote for those two idiots because either:

• you think Osama is from Iraq and by sending troops there we'll totally catch him
• you like your SUV/pickup truck and you want Bush to start drilling in Alaska to keep the price of gas down so you can continue to drive your SUV/pickup truck
  
• Jesus says homosexuality is wrong, and a vote for Kerry would be like saying it is OK for The Gays to marry, move in down the street, and become grade school teachers and make your kids go gay!
• Ann Coulter is a hottie!
  

But if to this day you are out there driving around with a Bush Cheney sticker, you have to remove it from your car now, or you are just an idiot, plain and simple.

Because if you personally like either one of them, after all the crap they've done to this country, we've got big problems. Be a Republican, but just say no to those two morons.

The Black Eyed Peas Suck

This has been a long time coming. This band just sucks. It might be argued that they started out strongly - a new fresh hip-hop sound. But c'mon, now they're just lame. Is there not a product these guys won't suck-up for? Apple and iTunes, XM Satellite Radio, Verizon (perhaps with worst cell carrier in the US). Did I see them in a Chevy commercial the other day? Swear to God, Carl's Jr. is next. Their current tour is sponsored by the Honda Civic, for fuck sake! They have no credibility. To wit:

1. A few years ago they change their song "Let's Get Retarded" to "Let's Get it Started" to sell a few more records. Granted, the whole retarded thing wasn't all that PC but whatever.
2. "Elephunk" features appearances from Papa Roach (yes, Papa Roach) and Justin Timberlake. Which makes sense, because if I was out there trying to gain credibility as a hip-hop band, I'd get two white guys to help me out.
   
3. What's the deal with Fergie, anyway? Lots of surgery, that one. She's starting to look like the child of Mickey Rourke and Melanie Griffith. Girl, you're not even middle-aged yet. Give it a rest!
4. "My Humps" is perhaps the worst song recorded in 2005. (Except, of course, by anything from Nickelback, but that goes without saying.)
5. They're touring with The Pussycat Dolls (!), the biggest novelty act of this decade. As a band, aren't you supposed to pick a opening act that closely aligns with your muiscal sensibilities? To admit that you'd like to tour with the Pussycat Dolls is admitting you make shit music. You might as well be touring with that William Hung guy.
1. And while we're on the subject of the Pussycat Dolls, what's with that song "Stickwitu?" Wow, that's romantic. If my lover told me they wanted to "stickwitme forever" I'd run em over in my car. Learn a little proper english.

Finally, you just can't take a band seriously when the members are called Will.I.Am, Apl, and Taboo.

You may be asking, why I care so much about this or why I've given it so much thought? Its because on Monday I was driving from DC to Chicago and heard that fucking "Humps" song everywhere. And by everywhere I mean even in West Virginia and eastern Ohio. (Have you been to those areas? Radio is dominated by Gospel, Classic Rock and Christian Contemporary. And now, apparently "My Humps" too.) That, and because I have nothing else to do.

Highlights from The Reader Classifieds

This week's highlights from the Chicago Reader's Bulletin Board Section. Again, why do people spend the time and effort?

• "Where is my transporter thingy? Och. I can be a scatterbrain sometimes."
• "Is This Ad In The Paper? I submitted this at 4:55pm. Does this show up in the 2/24 issue? Well wouldn't you like to know! I know that you're a nerd and you need to stop messing with my ads!"
• "I don't hate Frank, I just don't feel connected with him any more. I think I was connected to him for a short-time, but in retrospect, which happens very often, realized that we were very different and would never be happy together or completely fullfilled. Recently, The Swiss Hotel brought about a mini-anger fit, but its my problem not his. Someone asked about anger so I thought I would post. Of course, I'm also unhappy about the government...BUSH BLOWS."
• "Ch-ch-chuh-chuh-change-ezz. Bowie, Faure, and Cross-pollination. Confirm a battered but faithful old soul's faith in you, this, everything. I loved Carrie, too. You are no vampire, and have never fooled me. My hands are strong as steel, but a wren and her eggs could nest there and feel downy. Everlasting, even. Number please."

Fascinating Interactions with the Locals (Pt. II)

Background: I'm working at a Starbucks on Michigan Avenue. Seating area is about half full. I'm sitting at a 2-seat table, my things (computer, iPod, magazine, notebook, cell phone) take up the whole table. A guy comes in and comes up to me.

• Crazy Man: "Mind if I sit here?"
• Me (with a look of confusion, as I observe that there are several empty tables in the sitting area): "Ummm, OK."
• So to make room for the guy, I proceed to take all my stuff off the table. Then I remember that I'm sitting next to one of the only available outlets in the room. Maybe he needs to plug something in. But then he just sits down and starts reading the paper (!). This is bullshit. So after about a minute I say:
• Me: "Excuse me for asking, but is there a particular reason you needed to sit here? I mean, there are other empty tables in the room."
• Crazy Man: "I'm just waiting for the bathroom."
• This is also bullshit, because I don't know what sitting at this particular table has to do with waiting for the bathroom, since my table is nowhere close to the bathroom.
• Me: "Umm, OK. Whatever."
• About 10 seconds later the guy gets up, uses the bathroom, then leaves the store.

People is just crazy.

Weather With You

I went to DC this weekend to pick up a few things (my car, my clothes) and say hello to some friends. The Capitol Lounge had finally opened all sections, returning to its former glory. Had a few of Krista's Kickass Lemonades and monopolized the jukebox, just like old times. Saw both Match Point and Date Movie, which as you can imagine are very similar movies; I liked one and hated the other but can't remember which was which.

When I arrived Thursday night, the weather was great - still about 55 degrees at 9pm. But it started getting very cold Friday afternoon and stayed that way until I left Monday morning. Most all my friends knew I was coming in from Chicago, and some of them asked the following joke question (which, btw, never gets old): "Did you bring the cold weather with you?"

Yeah, you caught me. I brought it.

Saturday night met some friends at my favorite bar, Cafe St. Ex. Although the place was Packed. So packed that I think I need to re-evaluate whether or not it is my favorite DC hangout. After about 15 minutes there, we left and went to Halo. Stood next to some guy with the stupidest hair I've seen in a long time, and this is including all the freaks in Sydney. A picture, thanks to Jason, appears below. But it doesn't really do justice to the precise absurdity and height of the hair.

You've Come a Long Way, Beeatch

A year ago today I was hiking the Tongariro Crossing in New Zealand. I was happy. I was care-free. Most of all, I was 10 pounds lighter than I am now.

What have I done today? Contacted some potential employers, sent out a few emails. Fell asleep on the couch. Watched a bit of "Maury." Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

But at least I got up to go swim, my first organized swim workout in about 8 weeks. (Of course, my shoulders, back and legs will be paying for it tomorrow, but...)

Listening to Richard Ashcroft's "Keys to the World" which is rocking my lame ass. Highly recommended (although I see it is getting panned by some critics).

Conversation of the Day (from Overheard in New York):
- Girl #1: Is that a real fur coat?
- Girl #2: Yes, oh my god and this woman started yelling at me this morning. I was like, 'Please don't throw blood on me or something. I don't hate animals; I have a dog!'
- Man: Not around your neck.

Chicago To-Do List

Chicago To-Do List:

It is my 6th official day in Chicago, trying to adjust to my new old surroundings. It’s like I’ve stepped back in time to my high school and college years. I drive and walk around, expecting to see old friends and classmates walking the sidewalks. XRT’s Saturday morning flashback was 1990. Pretenders, Charlatans UK, Jesus Jones, Robert Cray. It was like they knew I was back. I even sprouted two pimples on my face; I haven’t had two pimples on my face since, well, last time I lived in Chicago.

I wake up every morning (in my parent’s guest bedroom – let’s not even go there) adding more items to the growing list of to-do’s, listed below in a general order of priority:
1. Get a job
2. Get an apartment/sublease (for about 6 months)
3. Contact my friends, letting them know I’m back
4. Join a masters team and get my fat ass in shape
5. Look into nursing programs
6. Blog
7. Join a gym, maybe go to it
8. Get a haircut
9. Get a Illinois driver’s license
10. Buy a condo

Hey Jane! Eat Me!

I've been checking out the Chicago Reader each week with interest. I especially love the Bulletin Board Section. What possesses a person to take the time and pay money to place these kinds of classified ads? Some highlights from this week's issue:

1. "Contrary to the 1/25 episode of 'Lost', baptism alone does not guarantee that you will go to heaven. It only changes you from a dry sinner to a wet one."
2. "The Keyboard is a Harsh Mistress - It kinda makes me cry...but I'm trying. I played for over an hour yesterday. Voluntarily. I don't think I've ever done that in my life. My poor mother's white hair came from trying to get me to practice when I was a kid. It's cold comfort. But things are looking better."
3. "HEY JANE! EAT ME!"
4. "Transvanguardia, the High Holy Empire of Mind Over Matter is expanding its grasp in March. During March 2006 we shall absorb the city of Paris into the empire - by Imperial Command of the GrandArchDuke Conrad I. So it is written, so it shall be."
5. "BUSH SUCKS"
6. " Wake Up, America! If the Iranians get the bomb, you won't have to worry about the bird flu. Cheddar Cheetah"
7. "If I learned anything from being falsely accused and attacked, I learned that Valentine’s Day is a restricted holiday. As always, still seeking truly positive, friendly establishments where love does come to everyone every day."
8. "Hey I was just trying to get back at my exgirl through our favorite Ray Charles song. She called and we're back... but you all keep having fun with that."
9. "Graaah! grrrrr! Mmrh? Graaahh, graaah. BRAINS!"
10. "Finally, a breakfast burrito."
    

Looking for a Job

So now that I'm back in the States (and staying for awhile) I've begun a search for a job. I'm employing a two-pronged approach: 1. - applying for jobs myself & using my underdeveloped (read: nonexistant) network of friends and acquaintences, and 2. - using headhunters. At this point, I'm pretty much at the mercy of a headhunter to find me a job.

The main one I'm using (so far) seems to be decent, but we'll see. Her first questions to me: "Are you interested in Weber Shandwick?" (Me: "Um, that would be a resounding No.") Her next question: "How about Edelman?" (Me: "Uhh, that would be a negative. But thanks.")

I'm not that picky, but I'd at least like to work for an agency that doesn't make me throw up - just a little bit - in my mouth.

Fascinating Interactions with the Locals (Pt. I)

Background: Go to the local Chinese restaurant to pick up my take-away order. Since all I have top do is run in, get the order, and run out, I decide to park in the "No Parking" zone in front of the building. And sure enough, I'm back out and to the car in about 60 seconds. Opening my car door as I see a woman in her minivan slowly rounding the corner in front of the "No Parking" zone, rolling down her window.

• Crazy Woman: "Ya know, you're in a no parking zone.*"
• Me: "Yes, well, I was just running in to pick up an order."
• Crazy Woman (who has at this point stopped her car to continue the conversation): "Good thing the cops didn't catch you."
• Me: "Well, I was just in-and-out."
• Crazy Woman: "Well the cops don't care about that."
• Me (very loudly): "WELL WHY DO YOU CARE????"
• Crazy Woman, taken aback that someone might actually challenge her holier-tha-thou comments, rolls up her window and continues on.

I'm thinking, Is it that important to you, Crazy Lady, to stop your car, roll down your window on a freezing cold Chicago night to tell me this?" Unless of course you're pissed that I took the same space that you wanted so that your fat ass didn't have to walk all the way across the crowded parking lot to pick up your order of sweet and sour pork.

People is just crazy.

* Note that the word "zone" was pronounced in that deep upper-midwest accent made popular in the movie "Fargo."

One week left in Sydney...

My time in Australia is winding down; a week from now I will be on a plane back to the States. So I've been busy doing all the things I wanted to do over the last 5 weeks that I haven't yet gotten around to. I guess I figured that by sitting back and relaxing the things on my to do list would just naturally happen, but no.

Since the weather here has been crappy for the most part, one of the things on the list was to improve my tan. It was sunny yesterday so I went to Coogee and got a burn. I'm hopeful that it will fade into a nice brown color by next week.

Today sitting outside a certain Seattle-based international coffee chain, I watched as the pigeons descended on two different sets of Japanese tourists sitting at the tables around me. In both cases, a pigeon would jump onto their tables, causing the tourists to scream and run away. The pigeon would then be joined by other pigeons and together they would eat whatever food the tourists left on the table -- in these cases, half a piece of cheesecake and half a bagel. My question is: do they not have pigeons in Japan? Are pigeons that scary that they'd cause you to leave your food at the table to run for your life? I'm now convinced that as long as there are Japanese tourists in Sydney, Sydney will always have a pigeon problem.

Missing London

The other day I was thinking about my friends in London, so I took a look at my pal Wingman's blog, which had this photo. How can you not love these guys?

I Like To Talk to Myself After Drinking

This evening I was in the kitchen at a party all alone since everyone was outside on the deck. Naturally, I decided to have a conversation with myself while I was pouring a drink.
Me: "This music sounds familar. Is it the Kaiser Chiefs?"
Me: "Hmmm, not sure. It does sound like them."
Me: "Yeah, I agree."

Just then I looked up from my drink and saw a woman across the room staring at me.

In situations like that, there's really not a whole lot you can do to bounce back. You pretty much have to just leave the room. So I did. Luckily we left the party soon after that, but I'm sure I'd be forever known as "that guy who talks to himself at parties" if I ever ran into these people again.

What I Learned Over the Australia Day Weekend

So the past few days we've been celebrating Australia Day, which was actually Thursday but for many enterprising Aussies it evolved into a 4-day weekend. From what I can gather, Australia Day is some sort of national pride celebration which involves face painting, barbecues and heated discussions about what it means to be an Australian (informal polling on my part has concluded that nobody really knows).

Australians love their days off, so it seems odd to me that instead of making it an official 4-day holiday weekend, many people headed back to work Friday. A poll by National Nine News asked if Australia Day should be celebrated as a long weekend, and 4/5ths of respondents said yes.

Well DUH.
My question is: who are these 25% who think it shouldn't? What's wrong with these people?

We spent the day on the Sydney Festival yacht in the Harbour, watching the Ferry-a-thon, which is a traditional race between the ferry boats. As far as I can tell, a bunch of the ferry boats decide to race each other, and all the other boats in the harbour follow behind them and cheer for their favorite. Or in the case of the yacht I was on and the people on it, the Ferry-a-thon is an excuse to charter an air-conditioned boat, drink free liquor and mock the people on the other boats who cheer for the competing yachts (photos can be found here).

Earlier that morning, I watched on tv the annual Surfboard Challenge, a paddling race across Sydney Harbour (pictured above). It looks like fun and something I would definitely do next year, if I lived in Australia and knew how to use a sufboard.

On Friday I went to Bondi, which was actually a bit boring since the sea was alarmingly calm (read: lame) and on Saturday night we went to a party in North Sydney, specifically to North Narrabeen. Overall, a lovely weekend not without some valuable lessons learned:

1. It is amazing how easily you can confuse your own shadow for a shark while swimming alone in the ocean.
2. Kylie Minogue is a tiny woman.
3. Flea markets in Australia are pretty much identical to ones back in the US.
4. I need to learn to stop talking with my hands, especially when in the presence of open containers of alcohol.
5. No matter how nice or gracious or graceful you try to be, spilling your drink all over someone (caused by talking with your hands) makes you look like an ass.
6. The whole "Eating is Cheating" mantra, while philosophically sound, is in actuality hard to practice.
7. "Eating is Cheating" while fun to attempt to live by, can get you in lots of trouble.

Worst Day Ever

I'm going to let this pretty much speak for itself.
Except to say mine wasn't so bad. Had center 7th row seats to Elvis Costello and the Sydney Symphony at the Sydney Opera House. He sang a great rendition of "Watching the Detectives" and during "Veronica" I swear to God he looked at me, and when I grinned at him he grinned back. Not making that up.

Quote of the Day (from TubeTalk):
"In the last ten days I have received precisely zero phone calls."

Friendly Neighborhood Stalker

We have a stalker as a neighbor. He watches us all the time. He says things like, "I saw you get out of the taxi yesterday wearing your green trainers and blue shirt." Freaking bunny boiler.

As today was the first nice weather day in about two weeks, Greg, Richard and I took the ferry over to Manly Beach. Great weather, great waves and great day. Got stung by a jellyfish though, but luckily it got in just a few small stings. Afterwards, we headed over to Richard's friend Nicole's flat on a private inlet on the Harbour side of Manly, where we did more swimming, had loganberry cordials (I don't even know what those are, exactly, but I like the idea of sitting on a deserted beach drinking loganberry cordials in the afternoon sun) and watched a woman on a nearby apartment balcony take off her top for a boat full of men having a bachelor party. (Note: that was perhaps the longest sentence I've ever written.)

Yesterday, Greg and I saw Elvis Costello and the Brodsky Quartet. Fucking brilliant.

Quote of the day (from Overheard in New York):
Teen boy: Do you have any matches?
Counter lady: Can I see ID?
Teen boy: You need ID for matches? For just matches?
Counter lady: I can't give you matches without ID.
Teen boy: ID for matches...what the fuck is this world coming to?

Why I Love the Midwest - Pt. 1

I'll be heading back to Chicago soon, back to the Midwest. Read this article in the Battle Creek (MI) Enquirer (courtesy of Beerzie Boy), which makes me realize why I miss it...

According to the article, a man destroyed his car by putting his toolbox on the accelerator, while he pushed the car out of a mud field. Per the article, according to police "The man was successful in freeing the vehicle, although unsuccessful regaining control of the vehicle" as he chased behind it. My favorite part of the whole incident was the following description: "The car reached an estimated speed of 100 mph, traveled a half-mile, sometimes becoming airborne. The car then struck a tree."

I seriously would have paid a hundred bucks to see that. "Sometimes becoming airborne" - priceless.

Stimulating Conversations with the Locals - Pt. II

The other day at the Victoria Park Pool:
[Background: I know I have issues when it comes to slow people swimming in the designated fast lanes. But the other day I was in the fast lane and shared it with a woman who was seriously the slowest person I've seen in the fast lane in a long time. I think it is really inconsiderate and rude when people do this. And don't give me that whole "maybe she didn't see the 'fast lane' sign" crap because that would make her blind as well as stupid. In the course of 15 minutes I had to swim around her about ten times.]
Slow-ass woman: "Wow, you're really fast."
Me: "Yeah, well that's why I'm in the fast lane."
Slow-ass woman (clearly not picking up on the biting sarcasm in my last comment): "Yeah, I feel like I'm practically standing still swimming in this lane with you in here."
Me: "..."

Take Me Out

Forget the Golden Globes, last night we had our own little celebrity sighting adventure at the Sydney Opera House. Greg, Richard and I went to see the Tiger Lillies and afterwards met Eleanor Friedberger of the Fiery Furnaces and Alex Kapranos of Franz Ferdinand . What do you say when you meet (semi) famous people? That's a question for the ages.

Me (to Eleanor): "So you're from Oak Park? I'm from Chicago."
Eleanor: "Where abouts?"
Me: "The south side - 103rd and California in Beverly."
Eleanor: "Great."
(awkward silence)
Me: "So did you go to Oak Park-River Forest High?"
Eleanor: "Yes."
Me: "Cool. I had cousins that went there."
Eleanor: "Great."
Me: "........" (awkward silence)

The show itself was rather strange and dull. But Greg and I did get a kick out of watching this blonde girl who kept getting out of her seat to dance by herself in the corner, even to the "Masturbating Jimmy" song, which I felt was clearly inappropriate. She was on something, surely. I kept asking, "Is she supposed to be part of the act?"


Extra bonus is that I was able to sneak a snapshot of Kath from the Kath and Kim Show who was sitting at the table in front of us, not having a good time (see photo to the left). I think she was not at all amused by all the sex jokes and comments about Jesus.



Richard was super excited to meet Eleanor and Alex, but the poor guy was the walking dead by 11:30 pm (when the photos were taken), hopped up on all sorts of pain meds.

Convalescing in Australia

Well I've been here in Sydney for three weeks and looking back realize that I haven't a whole lot to show for it. Aside from a lot of walking around the streets of Newtown and the CBD/downtown, I haven't really done a thing. Beach? Only once. Sightseeing? Did that last time I was here, thanks.

I don't even have a good tan.

Part of the reason is the weather has been absolute crap - lots of rain, not much sun; not much reason to hit the beach. I can count on one hand how many days of good weather since I've arrived. But the reason is that I just can't be bothered.

But I can say that I am getting plenty of rest. So I have that going for me.

My friend Greg from DC arrives this afternoon, so I'm hoping his visit will kick my ass into doing something besides eating and sleeping; maybe get to the beach and do some other stuff while he's here.

Things Overheard at the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital

I spent the weekend at the hospital - the very fine Royal Prince Alred Hospital - and it is amazing the things you hear while hanging out in the emergency ward.

Patient #1: "I went to poop this morning and my stool was bright white."
Doctor: "That's perfectly normal. Well, not really normal. But normal for someone in your condition."

Patient #2: "I came in because I was bleeding out of my belly button."
Doctor: "Out your belly button? I don't think I've seen that too often."

Sick in Sydney

It is Friday the 13th and I am feeling sick. Very sick. Can barely get out of bed. I did not factor this into my Australia activities.

Last night sat on the steps of the Opera House at dusk and watched the giant fruit bats (that nest at the Royal Botanic Gardens) swoop into the sky and begin their nightly feedings. (Actually, they're not bats but rather grey-headed flying foxes). Either way, they're huge.

Heading back to bed now.

"Huge Pressure" on Sharks

I've been here for two weeks and only once to the beach. Here's why:
1. On Sunday, a woman swimming in waist-deep water was attached by three sharks. According to rescuers, her arms were missing by the time they reached her. Yes, a rescuer went to grab her arms to pull her to safety but found she had no arms to grab. This happened on a NSW beach that had been protected for the last 40-some years by shark nets. She was pronounced dead before they could get her to the hospital.
2. Also on Sunday, a girl was attacked by a jellyfish at another NSW beach. As she got out of the water, she collapsed and died from shock.
3. Yesterday afternooon, all swimmers at Tamarama and Bronte Beaches (here in Sydney) were called out of the water due to shark sightings.

Until Sunday, there had not been a fatal shark attack on a New South Wales beach in 44 years. And then I arrive and there are sharks (and a jellyfish) everywhere. Of course, there is now a lot of debate about what to do with this perceived increase in shark activity. But this morning's Sydney Morning Herald quoted a local marine biologist saying that "There's huge pressure on sharks these days. If anything you would expect that sightings would be decreasing."

Mmm, OK. So what kind of pressure, exactly, would that be? Regardless, I'll be swimming tomorrow at Andrew Boy Charleton Pool in downtown Sydney.

Sydney Festival 2006

Saturday night was the opening of the 2006 Sydney Festival, and, more importantly, the Opening Night Party at the Hyde Park Barracks. Hands down, the best party I've been to in a year. Great music (a group called Panjea from NYC for the first part, then a DJ later), free alcohol (champagne and Russian vodka) and celebrity sitings. I'm standing there talking to some of Richard's friends and then - bam! - I look over and Cate Blanchett is walking right past. A few more glasses of champagne and I would have stopped to talk to her (which would not have been good for anyone).

I did manage to go up and babble to an actress I recognized from my new all-time favorite show "Headlands." Like my previous all-time favorite show from the UK, "Hollyoaks", "Headlands" is a horrible evening soap opera that everyone watches but nobody will admit to. I've been here about 2 weeks and I'm hooked on it, and even told the Headlands actress. She didn't seem as impressed with my admission as I feel she should have been.

The Liar's Club I

Stimulating Conversations with the Locals - Pt. I

Sunday night after the Shins concert, standing in line at Hungry Jack's.
Drunk guy: Hey, your shirt. It's almost a pink color.
Me: Yes.
Drunk guy: It's like salmon colored.
Me: Yes.
Drunk guy: It's a little gay. Don't get me wrong. I'm a metro-sexual just like the next guy. But if you don't mind me saying, your shirt is a little gay.
Me: Well, you're the one that called it "salmon."
Drunk guy: Good point. Good point.

Some Thoughts on 2006

Things I Could Do Without in 2006:

1. Nicole Ritchie – she’s gross.
2. American Apparel Ads – they’re gross.
3. “Times New Roman” font (esp. as the default in Word)
4. Swass
5. Sizzle Reels
6. Tom Cruise
7. Piercings
8. “On no you di-int!”
9. The Eurovision Song Contest
10. Those photos with the little babies dressed as flowers
11. My humps. Or your humps, or anybody’s humps, really.
12. T-shirts with stupid, lame sexual double-entendre references, like “Woody’s Longboards” or “Cleveland Coffee Roasters – Start Your Day with a Cleveland Steamer!”
13. Another iPod product. Seriously, let’s give it a rest Steve.
14. Nickelback

Things I Could Have More of in 2006:

1. Arrested Development
2. Crimped hair (on women or men)
3. More jokes/comments about Your Momma
4. Eurovision Song Contest Parties
5. Cadbury Malt Crisps
6. Limahl
7. Rockin’ to the Beat
8. Stevie Nicks
9. Kilts
10. Pink (the color, not the singer)
11. Merino Wool
12. Cornhole (the game, not the other thing)
13. Moo n' Oink

Toblerone

Lager and Lime Disease

Experiment in Terror

Hot Hot Heat

As I write this, it is 112 degrees here in Sydney. It hurts to move. In Chicago, it is about 28 degrees. That's a 84 degree difference between here and home. How is this possible??

Richard and I went to the beach this morning bright and early before the crowds and heat. I'd never been to Coogee Beach, and it was fantastic. Swimming in the ocean was a great way to start the New Year.