No Siren's Call

I have a rather unusual confession today, the garden is not calling this spring.  For the first time since I've had a home to call my own my garden is not the place I want to create in.  Usually the urge to plant, weed and grow overwhelms me at this time of year.
Our weather is unseasonably dry and warm, perfect time to get out and plant, even if it means being more vigilant with watering than is usual in May.
I have noticed the desire to dig in the dirt lessening in the last few years but I'm a bit shocked to feel it dwindle down so much this year.
My herb pots and my tiny front plot care for themselves and I think I will head out and get some colourful annuals very soon. I have smelled lilacs and the new pink roses blooming nearby with pleasure. Not surprisingly I feel called to plant pots of bright red geraniums....like some I'll certainly see adorning window boxes on our trip to France.
Though I love to work in the soil and grow things that desire is lacking this year, I have faith it will return someday. April used to be the month where my hands started to twitch to hold plants, and I'd take out my gardening journal and check my notes, but these things can not be forced.
So the siren song of playing with nature is not where my hands are called to be this spring.  But here is to the rest of you and your glorious gardening time.

 

Big like Spring

As the light has been increasing in minutes each day I have felt more topsy turvy than usual. Does one become more sensitive to change as one ages? I seem to remember feeling much more focused at this time of year in the past. I guess it can be attributed to a different season of family life. A time when each of the four members of our family need our own time. I no longer steal moments for myself but rather schedule dedicated time. I can link the increasing light to my own increase in personal priority which often feels wrong. Mothers are notoriously bad at taking time for themselves without guilt. I honestly don't understand why but feel it just the same.
In January I began to meet with some wonderful women to venerate the full moon.  Marking this time for myself has been a balm to the soul.  Learning has blossomed; acceptance, peace, trust.  Meeting others where they stand and just being, such a gift. It could not have been at another stage of parenting, not with this level of maturity.  I am grateful to have this companionship and right now it encompasses most of my spiritual life.
Last week Elliott lost his first tooth.  I can compare the feeling of children growing to standing inside a tornado.  You are in the calm middle watching as the winds rush around you.  It is impossible to stop them, they offer you brief moments of beauty, pain, laughter, fear...but there is no stopping the movement.
The emotional challenge of right now leaves me feeling overwhelmed but I just keep going.  There is no other option.  I hope that some clarity will come, a path will open up and be less unknown or covered in brambles.  Other parents seem to have things aligned better but I know that really we all struggle. We all work hard to put one foot in front of the other and chart the unknown journey of our own life. To carry the weight of our own desire while balancing the day-to-day and do all this without maps. It feels big right now. Big like Spring in the growing light.

May Mystery

The mystery of May is which word best describes the breakneck pace with which it advanced.  Mayhem, madness and masochistic would suit I think.  Phew.  I'll take a breath now that it's almost over. 
Much of the month was fun and celebration, and of course as life tends to present itself there was (and continues to be) much sadness and stress. 
Our countdown to our England trip looms in the distance and as excited as I am I am still not in a position to plan too much or even make my top 5 list of places to visit.  There is still a long list of things to do, finish, and prepare just in our day-to-day.  I can't say I'm great at approaching life at this speed but regardless I either have to run or miss the train. 
As all of this stuff of four lives lived together zooms around us the boys are growing as quickly as the spring plants.  The reality of their changing selves strikes chords with me daily.  How can the time move so fast?  With each little baby I hold I see how un-little my boys are, while simultaneously shaking my head at how much there is to watch unfold inside them before they exit my daily influence.
Am I recording the sweetness of now?  For their benefit but mostly for my own....I'm not sure how successful I am at that. 
Today a girl I have know since she was born turns 13.  And it literally feels like it was a blink in time.  May's mystery...the stunning dash of our children as they grow.  I'll take a breath again and sit with that for a while.

April Outside

Last weekend we visited a wonderful organization's open house.  O.W.L which stands for Orphaned Wildlife Rehabilitation Society rescues injured birds (mostly raptors) and houses ones that can not re-enter nature and releases ones that have healed.

 Turkey Vulture.

  A Barred Owl.  We think an owl like this may be nesting near our home.  

We have seen her/him 3 times now.

And the climax of the day was the release of this juvenile bald eagle.  He was saved by a BC Hydro worker after being caught in a power line.  It was very moving to hear his story and witness this bird's release back into the wild.

There are so many people that dedicate their time to worthy causes, this is just one of many.  Supporting such brilliant work is a great way to send a family day outside.

March: Equal

Being one of the months that brings us the day and night in balance often makes March a positive time.  As the month winds down I am reflecting on how the longer hours of light change our very nature.  All of a sudden we are such busy bees and we try to pack more into our days.  Or at least that is what I do.  A to-do list that was ambitious in January is just not enough in March.  

Dave and I are both stretching the possible for ourselves.  How much can you accomplish today, this week, this month?  Oh, sure I'll add one more thing, I'm sure I have time for that.  And then the inevitable sinking feeling in your stomach happens and you start to get a bit nervous that you have bitten off more than you can chew.  The list in your head or on paper or if you are fancy, on your cool app list thingy becomes rather daunting and you run the risk of avoiding it at all cost.  

But the light in its in your face brightness gives you a tiny bit more energy.  You dig deep, you cross off one thing at a time.  You delegate (maybe).  And slowly but surely it will get done.  It will get done.  Spring comes, snow (if you have any) melts, the wheel turns.  Those equal hours are both a blessing and a curse.  You balance it or  you do not.  But as surely as spring comes you go on.

Commitment (a multipart series)

Oh, what a crazy month April has been.  Life has been very full and a bit hectic and my head is overwhelmed with ideas of things to write here and this is the first time I've sat down to do so all month.  But rather than let my hands type out all these thoughts I'd rather focus on one at a time, because well, it seems more fair to you as a reader.  My next few posts will probably skirt around a theme that is coming up frequently this year.
Commitment and self-discipline.  April presented two opportunities to practice my commitment to the earth.

On April 12 our family attended the B.R.O.K.E sponsored rally against Kinder-Morgan's proposed pipeline expansion in our city.  There are dozens of reasons I am against this expansion but the first one is that our earth cannot sustain the practices of extracting fossil fuels.  This pipeline will transport oil across our backyard to buyers in foreign markets, navigating tricky waters with tankers that could spill and destroy wildlife and precious natural areas. We already live with the risk of the current pipeline's potential hazards let alone adding another.  This type of thinking about our environment as an extraction field needs to be stopped.

On Earth Day I visited Kyan's classroom and read "Earth Mother" by Ellen Jackson.  It is a wonderful story of the gentleness, power and wisdom of nature's cycles.  The kids were very engaged by it and we followed up with learning the first verse of The Earth is our Mother chant.  And to end the lesson we talked about what each of them could do to take care of the earth using this sheet.  I was happy that the kids responded as they did.  And despite being busy in other things I was glad to mark the day for the kids and myself.  I plan to do this each year as long as Kyan's (and eventually Elliott's) teachers are on board.  This work is about my spiritual path and in a future post I'll expand on where these values are building from.

Around home our interest in birds continues to be enhanced by our bird feeders.  Elliott built a nest for our little eggs one morning.  Spring brings forth so much life and newness that it spills over in the boys' faces.  The inspiration of it seems endless.

April's Restless Moon

There are many more poetic names for April's moon: Pink moon, Sprouting Grass moon, Egg moon....but at this moment Restless is all I can call it.  After two nights in a row of disturbed sleep, tossing, crying, calling out, strange dreams, I'm a little on the grumpy side.

This month has been great in terms of weather, we've planted some seeds, watched some grow bigger than their little pots, started soccer, singing and swimming.  The boys have taken a cue from the seedlings and are growing and eating like crazy.  The events in Boston, Texas and family emergencies have been overwhelming and emotional.

The fullness of this time of life comes up often.  Full schedules, full heads, the fullness of life being reborn with the spring.  I'm trying to take concrete steps to keep us flowing with this but the month has left both Dave and I and probably the boys too feeling tired and slow to adjust to the longer days of light.

My new artwork schedule has been put in place and is rewarding beyond words.  Having set aside that time to just make art and let out the images or words that build up inside out of my head, along with a weekly yoga practice and time in nature feeds my soul.  I feel like a more whole person; like the pieces of me that have been on the back burner have equal footing.

With this change comes transitions that are contributing to the restlessness though.  Weaning Elliott, I remember it not being easy and overall it is going very well.  But there is a certain cry he'll make at night when he really just wants to nurse but I've already given him his scant allotment of two short sessions and it is just so forlorn.  It makes me so sad.  That cry cuts right to my guts, pulling out guilt and sorrow for the baby stage that is soon to go and will never be seen again by us.  It is really such a personal thing between him and I, a journey begun at his birth, somewhat of an extension of the pregnancy itself in that only the two of us share it.  I can only hope that we are moving at a pace that is sensitive to his development and that once this season of our bond comes to an end it will fade into his unconscious like it did with his brother in such a way that Kyan has no memory of nursing beyond the physical closeness that we shared which he continues to experience through hugs and cuddles.

Change, transitions, new green, sprouts, sunshine, rain, restless birthing spring.

March: Bringing up the rear

 This March brought much sweetness to our days.  Spending two weeks where I grew up with family and friends and trying to make maple syrup yet again.  It seems that the sap doesn't flow just because I really, really want it to.  But what the cold kept away the warmth of being surrounded by familiar people and the grounding nature of place filled up; not just for me of course but for my boys too.

When you live far away from the people who raised you, where your peers growing up, and know you in your first awkward and/or innocent versions it is surreal to return sometimes.  I often feel a bit out of sorts trying to reconcile the me of the past with the me of now.  But then you feel the old bonds, are taken care of in ways that speak more to your soul than to your rational mind and when I leave I feel full.  Full of the energy of those who formed my sense of self, who shared years of memories and made the person I am now possible.

  

So while the cold temperatures were difficult for this west coast convert to accept, there is no mistaking the spring in my step and deep gratitude I feel for being able to go home again.  And while we were away the youngest member of the family turned 2.  Oh, goodness here he is, 2 already.  I can't say that I wish he wasn't exactly where he is.  This little ball of cuteness that is full of mischief and silly grins, I dare say he is most perfectly himself and that makes this spring all the brighter (and of course busy).

So the thing about March is that it was over in a flash and now we are in full on spring mode and there is so much to say, so much good art about, and so much life being lived.  I can't help but feel optimism oozing out of everyone's pores.  2013 is quite a trip so far.

Spring cleaning

In my magical dreams spring cleaning would look something like Disney's Snow White movie.  Snow White dancing around with a broom in the seven dwarf's home, chanting a cleansing rhyme as the animals of the forest circle her with help in dappled sunlight.  
You know like this...

 image source

The windows would be open, the pail of warm water scented with essential oils, I would be scrubbing with energy and intentions of letting go of the old and welcoming the new energy of the season.  At the end of the day I would look around with a sense of accomplishment at a clean home...

I now interrupt this  daydream with a reality check.

Instead of seven dwarfs I have two little boys.   They circle around me as I try to finish one task; washing the windows, cleaning the cupboard fronts, maybe vacuuming under the fridge.  All the while I hear calls of: I'm hungry, can you fix this, various grunts and yells from the smaller one.   The essential oils never made it to the pail of water, all I can think is please don't spill all  the water on the floor and please let the windows stay fingerprint free for at least an hour.  At the end of the day the cleaning done earlier is a mere speck in the chaos of toys, food ground into the carpet and folded laundry that is now crumpled in the corner.

So the daydream of cleaning remains just that and finishing one task without someone being injured is an accomplishment.  And the crazy chaos of life with littles is our normal and I can't think beyond that for now. 

Beltaine 2012: ribbons in the wind

Yesterday we had the pleasure of joining some old and new friends to dance the Maypole and make May baskets.  The spring has teased us with a few warm days here and there and glimpses of sun.  Just when I thought it was time to put on sandals and put the heavy coats away we get a week of gray days and Beltaine brought us wind.
It was crisp and fresh and had only a hint of sun here and there.  But we gathered, we danced, we laughed and the kids ran and played.  The adults made a tincture of spring's fertile energy, really it was just a lovely afternoon.  I plan to put out some offerings and clean and refresh my altar.  All the while preparing a handmade gift for a little girl friend and today I'm cleaning away.  But more on all that to come.  Blessings of Beltaine to you all.

like the colour when the spring is born...

just a little green.

It finally feels like spring here.  I'm digging the vibrant green all around me.

Traveling Together

Another lovely visit has come to an end today with my mom & dad heading back east to Quebec.  My what fun we had visiting a stunning garden, riding the ferry to Victoria, eating good food and listening to the crazy antics of a 4 and 1 year old.
The challenge of shaking up the routine of said 4 and 1 year old can be tricky but in the end is worth the intensive grandparent energy that surrounds them with love and mama with some much needed parent time too!  We never stop needing our parents they just morph into a different relationship or at least that is what has happened with myself and my parents.

my camera decided it didn't like some rather humid conditions at a butterfly conservatory so I have to send it  off for repair.  I'm rather partial to it but my iphone will have to do for now.

The Sunken Garden at Butchart Gardens, Victoria BC

 Beacon Hill Park, Victoria BC

Travel with little ones is challenging but the good moments are so special.   Visiting Beacon Hill park was magical as the waves rushed in and Elliott was quiet and calm on my back as we listened to the water and the birds in the sunshine.  There was enough energy in that moment to carry me through the spring rains that continue to fall on us tonight.  

Bunnies, eggs & chocolate

not necessarily in that order...

Slow

I've been such a bad blogger these last weeks.  That in and of itself makes me sad a bit but I guess sometimes you have to put things on the back burner to get other things done.  It feels like everything from the weather to my household routine are taking their time these days.  Moving, but oh, so slowly.  And since things are not linear they spiral up and down, around and around.  In truth I've written several posts in my head and just need to scan this or photograph that and then of course write them.  The ebbs and flows of this life often surprise me in sudden realizations of oh, yah, it's been days since I "...."
But regardless, I'm here.  Doing my thing.  Cooking porkchops, making Easter cookies, walking Kyan to pre-school, planting peas & a raspberry bush, and going to Co-op meetings.  Looking longingly at piles of fabric, stepping out of my comfort zone, swimming with the boys and setting a naptime for Elliott that so far is helping his sleep become more regular.

Today I got to sit in the sunshine and eat salad and drink chai with two lovely women with our boys dancing crazily around us.  And in the not so great end I've now burnt two pots of chickpeas this week.  So I'm taking this to mean that the universe does not want us to eat hummous this week.  So be it.  Sunshine is in the forecast, that is enough for now.

For the Birds

As promised here is a little playlist to accompany the lovely birdsong that is bringing spring on the wind.  Spring is taking its time with us this year, teasing us with some sunshine here and there but bringing rains and winds that stir the juices regardless.  I hope this means a long and hot summer to come.

Birds

Cicadas & Gulls - Feist

Big Bird in a Small Cage - Patrick Watson

Sweet Bird - Joni Mitchell

Norwegian Wood (This Bird has Flown) - The Beatles

Given to Fly - Pearl Jam

Black Crow - Joni Mitchell

Emperor Penguin - The Tragically Hip

Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine

The Birds on the Bridge - The Deep Dark Woods

Blackbird - The Beatles

Bird Guhl - Antony & the Johnsons

Song to a Seagull - Joni Mitchell

Three Little Birds - Bob Marley

And Your Bird Can Sing - The Beatles

The Littlest Birds - The Be Good Tanyas

You may have noticed several Joni songs, she sings about birds a lot.  As do The Beatles but you can't deny the classics.  Feel free to add your favorites in the comments and get out and enjoy the birds.  I plan on doing a bit more to honour them this spring, I'll be back with more on that soon.

Spring birthday

Despite the fact that I was reminded that Elliott is in fact a Winter baby since he was born before the Equinox,  his birth's proximity to the date still makes him my Spring baby.  And here are some celebration pictures from a day of cupcakes, lunch and Peter Rabbit.

Just like his brother before him E took a mid-party nap.  There were several of us big kids that would have loved to have a nap too.

The nap was helpful in that it gave him lots of energy for cake eating.  Cupcakes are so cute for the first taste since they fit nicely in the hand.

So my spring baby is now 1.  I want to thank everyone who helped us with the party and who came to celebrate.  It means so much to be surrounded by love from near and far on these special days.

When it rains...

we go for a walk anyway.  At least that's what I decided today.  This week was a bit quieter for us and mama was starting to go stir crazy.  So despite the cold, wet and downright soggy conditions outside our door we loaded up with chips & some cheese, did some errands and headed to the trail. 

We had many companions on our journey on this dreary day: ducks, seagulls, pigeons, hardcore joggers, another mama with a sleeping stroller babe, some ladies with umbrellas, strange, hovering insects that looked like winter mosquitoes (!?!) and my favorites (other than the boys) lovely birds singing happily away. 
Rain, heck they love the stuff.  It was all happy birdsong out on the marsh by the lake today.  And something in their songs lifted my heart out of the marshy lowlands and into a rejuvenated spirit of it's good to be alive.  The cold does that to me.  It's something about the promise of warmth later that makes me enjoy the chill.

And then there is the beauty of nature.  The colours of spring emerging out of the west coast winter gray. 

Yellows and vibrant peachy pinks are in this spring, nature has a jump on the fashion trends.   And as for the birds I am making them a playlist.  Please leave a comment with your favorite bird song if one comes to mind and I'll share the playlist when I finish it off.  Have a great weekend.  

spring love

Just some images of the love that is blooming all around us.  The sun is finally here for a few days in a row.  And is much needed I might add.

 cousin love (shhh..it's a surprise)

 

brother love (making mama's heart melt)

bubble love with new friends

clothesline love

first patio art session of the season love

and first picnic at the park love

happy weekend!