My first appointment with the RE (Dr.Puzzle) went pretty smoothly, well until the morning after when a had a mini-freakout. More on that later. So, I think I really like Dr.Puzzle, but he also seems to be a bit hard to read. I felt very relaxed with him, which is great. I'm the kind of gal that only goes to women doctors for her annual poking and prodding. I thought it kind of sucked that the majority (Like 95%) of REs out there are male doctors. I thought it would be a problem, but he was very relaxed and I felt really at ease with him.
The reason I call him Dr.Puzzle is because during our consultation he'd give me these looks, almost like he's giving me the evil eye. Kind of like if he looks at me a certain way I'll give up the key to my problem. It honestly was a little off-putting. That's when it dawned on me that he sees it as a puzzle, trying to look at it from different angles. He loves a puzzle, and a puzzle is what I gave him!
So, a bit of our history he wanted. We're both healthy, under 30 and unsuccessfully TTC for almost a year. I showed my charts which easily show that I ovulate, on average, between CD14 and CD16. No spotting, no difficult symptoms, no low or high temperatures and LP is normal. In fact, he wrote "Excellent Charts" in his notes. DH's numbers are a bit on the low side, but still normal. I got acquainted with Wandy rather quickly, and unexpectedly. Ultrasound showed everything was perfectly normal and he even showed where I had ovulated from my right ovary and pointed out the follicles that were still visible. The best looking ovaries he'd seen all day.
My case baffles him. I have mixed emotions about that. For me, the unknown is more scary and more frustrating that anything else. The diagnosis I would loathe to hear, "Unexplained Infertility". I know it could be worse, which is why I am comforted that it still looks like we're good to go, just that our number hasn't come up yet.
He asked me what I thought might be the problem, and I said I didn't know, that this is what is frustrating to us. I should have stated my position right there, that the reason I was there was to find a diagnosis and not just throw treatments at it. I was enamoured by the fact that I appeared to be fine (I was afraid I had cyst on my left ovary). Dr.Puzzle doesn't see the need to medically try to induce ovulation since I appear to be doing a capable job on my own. His recommendation was to head into an unmedicated IUI, and that he thinks the problem might like in the motility numbers and that IUI is all we'd need. At roughly $200 (!!!!!) a pop, not a bad deal at all.
We had a bit more conversation where we got to know Dr.Puzzle and his practice a little more. We met with someone from billing about insurance and fees and what not. That's where we learned that IUI is closer to $800 after all office visits, that the $200 was just the IUI procedure. IVF is $12,000-$14,000, which includes everything and cost depends on what stims are used. Insurance, of course, does not cover treatment at all. Then we waxed unpoetically about frustrations around the politics of it all.
I was instructed to call at CD1 IF it arrived (FX that it doesn't) and to call again the day I ovulate to get in for the IUI. It wasn't until after I left the office that I hadn't spoken about wanting a diagnosis and not just a treatment plan. Apparently it was bothering me more than I thought because when the cat woke me up the next morning I couldn't get back to sleep.
My biggest fear, that he had given an official diagnosis of infertility and that we'd go through with the IUI or several IUIs only to finally get an HSG scheduled and find out that I have blocked tubes. Almost $1000 a try, and then have to pay for the HSG out of pocket on top of it? It only makes sense to me to try the HSG first since insurance will cover diagnostic tests, plus HSG can help increase fertility by cleaning out the cobwebs.
So from 5am-8am I fretted about the fact that I'll probably not get the test done and that he's already flagged me for infertility. I left a message with the receptionist who called back a few hours later, and calmed me a bit. The visit was not coded for infertility and she'd pass the message to Dr.Puzzle after she got his dictated notes. Hopefully I'll hear something before CD1
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Tomorrow I have decided to break up my torrid love/hate relationship of roughly 1 year. At times it was all consuming. The first thing I kissed in the morning and the last thing I touched before falling asleep. Some days I swore it off, threatening to end it all then and there in a fit of rage. Other days I sought its comfort and reassurance.
I met with the RE and he suggested that I could end the relationship, should I so choose. It's usefulness has all run out and the proof is in ink. I can stand up proudly and proclaim, I know I can O.
So, farewell to you, Mr. Thermometer. Its been a lovely ride but you are no longer needed. I think in the long run, I would be better off without you in my life. No more pouring over charts and 2ww temps to indicate any signs. After tomorrow I will no longer be a slave to your beeps and lack of a day glow light that requires me to shine my phone at you to see your face.
Please don't stare at me with your 97.70 eyes, or show me how LO you're feeling. You cannot guilt me back. If you are good, I will store you with some pink wrapped pillows for the next 9 months.
Farewell O Thermometer, it was a wild ride while it lasted.
I met with the RE and he suggested that I could end the relationship, should I so choose. It's usefulness has all run out and the proof is in ink. I can stand up proudly and proclaim, I know I can O.
So, farewell to you, Mr. Thermometer. Its been a lovely ride but you are no longer needed. I think in the long run, I would be better off without you in my life. No more pouring over charts and 2ww temps to indicate any signs. After tomorrow I will no longer be a slave to your beeps and lack of a day glow light that requires me to shine my phone at you to see your face.
Please don't stare at me with your 97.70 eyes, or show me how LO you're feeling. You cannot guilt me back. If you are good, I will store you with some pink wrapped pillows for the next 9 months.
Farewell O Thermometer, it was a wild ride while it lasted.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Not Quite Babymoon
As you probably figured out in the last Wordless Wednesday post, DH and I went on a little trip.
It was intended to be a babymoon, but considering how I ovulated 5 days early, it was a post babymoon trip, lol. We both took a long weekend and took off the only two free days I could find in my schedule. Busy Bee, I am lately.
Anyway, we took a road trip to the middle of nowhere Tennessee to visit Fall Creek Falls State Park. We took a ton of pictures and had a ball. It was just the thing we needed to do to get away from life.
The weather was fantastic. It was early in the season so no bugs, but it warmed up early so we could hike without being bogged down with layers of clothing. We saw a lot of wildlife, challenged our muscles, bonded and renewed our spirit.
We stayed in a cabin this time around, but next time I think we may just take a tent. The trip reminded me how much I love to be out in nature and that I hope someday we can find our forever home in a forest somewhere.
Baby Notes - April 19th 2010
I find out in a few days if I have been blessed with your conception. It will have been 10 months now since we've been praying for you.
I feel awful. My breasts are sore, going to the bathroom more, I'm even having cravings, for green olives of all things! However, I'm scared to be hopeful every nauseous feeling or twinge or flutter I feel in my stomach. Every symptom makes me think of you.
So long I have dreamt of you, so many tears I have shed because it just wasn't time yet. I am afraid to hope it is you because I don't think my heart can be glued back together if I am wrong this time. Too many times already my mind, my body has played these cruel tricks on me.
April 19th, 2010
11DPO
I feel awful. My breasts are sore, going to the bathroom more, I'm even having cravings, for green olives of all things! However, I'm scared to be hopeful every nauseous feeling or twinge or flutter I feel in my stomach. Every symptom makes me think of you.
So long I have dreamt of you, so many tears I have shed because it just wasn't time yet. I am afraid to hope it is you because I don't think my heart can be glued back together if I am wrong this time. Too many times already my mind, my body has played these cruel tricks on me.
April 19th, 2010
11DPO
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Baby Notes - April 15th 2010
I have been a bad mommy-to-be this month, and I am very sorry. I have been working really hard o be more relaxed at work, I can get used to that. The weather has been unseasonably warm so I have been spending more time outdoors and moving around, which is good for you
However, I just can't seem to give up the junk food this month. Pop, sugar, fattening fast food.
I am trying not to be too down on myself. I'm still taking vitamins for you to keep us both healthy. I just need to focus on drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. For us.
April 15th, 2010
7DPO
However, I just can't seem to give up the junk food this month. Pop, sugar, fattening fast food.
I am trying not to be too down on myself. I'm still taking vitamins for you to keep us both healthy. I just need to focus on drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. For us.
April 15th, 2010
7DPO
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
New Segment - Baby Notes
I have a new segment I am introducing to my blog, Baby Notes. Recently I have found myself writing to my someday child. I don't know how often or how regularly I will be posting these notes.
Here is the First:
I dream about you every day, wishing and yearning to feel you in my womb. When I started this journey almost a year ago, I thought I'd be holding you in my arms by now.
Alas, you are not ready, but I am waiting. I take this challenge as a time to work on my patience. Every day passes and my wish for you grows.
I hope I can experience you soon.
April 13th, 2010
5DPO
Here is the First:
I dream about you every day, wishing and yearning to feel you in my womb. When I started this journey almost a year ago, I thought I'd be holding you in my arms by now.
Alas, you are not ready, but I am waiting. I take this challenge as a time to work on my patience. Every day passes and my wish for you grows.
I hope I can experience you soon.
April 13th, 2010
5DPO
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Update
I've been a bad blogger this week. I haven't posted in a while, or commented on any one's blogs. I'm sorry. I've worked late just about every night this week.
For now I am on DPO 15, which means AF is due tomorrow. My temps started dropping 3 days ago and I've had two BFNs. Despite no AF, I partied last night with my neighbor for her birthday.
It was a great night, and much needed letting loose by me. I'm not much of a drinker but I found a new drink I can handle. I'm not a fan of either Red Bull or Jagermeister, but I really like Jägerbombs. I don't even remember the last time I went to a bar, it's been a while.
The goals for today, rehydration (yay for no hangover) and more spring cleaning.
For now I am on DPO 15, which means AF is due tomorrow. My temps started dropping 3 days ago and I've had two BFNs. Despite no AF, I partied last night with my neighbor for her birthday.
It was a great night, and much needed letting loose by me. I'm not much of a drinker but I found a new drink I can handle. I'm not a fan of either Red Bull or Jagermeister, but I really like Jägerbombs. I don't even remember the last time I went to a bar, it's been a while.
The goals for today, rehydration (yay for no hangover) and more spring cleaning.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
New plan of attack
We had an interesting discussion today over breakfast. I mentioned a book I was reading, "How To Get Pregnant", and how informative it is. The title got a little chuckle from DH, of course. :)
Over breakfast, I think we came to an understanding about TTC and the future. I feel a bit bad because I feel I pushed DH into seeing a urologist. It had been 6 long months while I was regular, like clockwork, we still weren't pregnant. DH did some research and it really started to kick in how important it was for him to change his lifestyle a bit as well. I think I was afraid that if I didn't keep up the momentum for him, that he wouldn't get around to seeing anyone. I know it wasn't the easiest thing for him to do, but honestly it was going to be the easiest thing for US.
The urologist released him from care with borderline numbers but no diagnosis for male infertility. Lifestyle changes seem to be slowly improving and I'd like to try for a bit longer before dealing with ARTs (Assisted Reproductive Technology). Surprisingly, he seems to be on the same page. He was eager for me to get tested earlier, so I'm not sure what has changed.
So, now we have a new plan of attack. We're going to keep up what we are doing now until July and then seek out diagnostics. July will be 1 good solid year of trying, then we will learn if ovarian stimulation will help, or if it's suggested we go onto IUI/IVF. Of course, if its the latter then we'll have to wait until we've saved up some money. I love the health insurance that I have, but it sucks that it doesn't cover any infertility treatments. Of course, there's always the Medical Flex Spending account.
BTW, I just joined the 2ww club. Currently 1DPO *Fingers Crossed*
Over breakfast, I think we came to an understanding about TTC and the future. I feel a bit bad because I feel I pushed DH into seeing a urologist. It had been 6 long months while I was regular, like clockwork, we still weren't pregnant. DH did some research and it really started to kick in how important it was for him to change his lifestyle a bit as well. I think I was afraid that if I didn't keep up the momentum for him, that he wouldn't get around to seeing anyone. I know it wasn't the easiest thing for him to do, but honestly it was going to be the easiest thing for US.
The urologist released him from care with borderline numbers but no diagnosis for male infertility. Lifestyle changes seem to be slowly improving and I'd like to try for a bit longer before dealing with ARTs (Assisted Reproductive Technology). Surprisingly, he seems to be on the same page. He was eager for me to get tested earlier, so I'm not sure what has changed.
So, now we have a new plan of attack. We're going to keep up what we are doing now until July and then seek out diagnostics. July will be 1 good solid year of trying, then we will learn if ovarian stimulation will help, or if it's suggested we go onto IUI/IVF. Of course, if its the latter then we'll have to wait until we've saved up some money. I love the health insurance that I have, but it sucks that it doesn't cover any infertility treatments. Of course, there's always the Medical Flex Spending account.
BTW, I just joined the 2ww club. Currently 1DPO *Fingers Crossed*
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day!
Me and my two loves
DH and I celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday since my sister was bring over her LO, who is 4. DH is so great with her, which left time for my sister and I to catch up (and for me to work on her computer). The 4 of us ate a heart shaped pizza for dinner.
The day before, DH and I did some shopping and had dinner with my parents. How romantic, yes I know. We've been celebrating all week really, just doing little things for each other. DH surprised me with flowers on Friday and I surprised him with an edible arrangement on Saturday.
Cycle Update
I'm currently on week 3, or 9DPO. My temps are sporadic, and never really established so its really hard to tell how the cycle is going. I'm maintaining cautious optimism. The Dr gave us a 15% chance of conceiving with DH's numbers and if my hormones are playing around with me this month, then I'm sure that's even lower. After all we're already at a bit of a disadvantage because of needing to watch our timing and getting a + OPK 2 days early.
I've been getting twitches in my lower abdomen lately, which is hopeful yet confusing. I'm trying really hard not to read too much into things. My bbs are starting to get a bit sore and I've been wanting to go to bed earlier every day, but other than that I've not felt anything special. No PMS even, but the week is still young.
To keep my days sane, I am attempting to not chart my temperature until the evening, before I go to bed. I'll take it in the morning still, but I won't check the thermometer until I go to bed. That way I can get out the emotion, get some sleep, and then feel hopeful in the morning. I'll report back my findings, and if I'll be doing it again. I'm going to do some research on my charts to determine would be the best time to start it. I'll have to check when my cycle temps start to get rocky. I'm thinking of starting it tomorrow, but since I have the day off I'm not sure that I can resist. :)
Ah yes, I also got the "are you" question today from my sister. We were talking about vitamins. I told her I was taking a prenatal at night and she interrupted me with a, "because you want to or because you have to" inquiry. LOL! Well, I've been taking them for a year now...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Cycle Update - Implantation Dip?
So, for a quick recap:
I got a positive OPK on the day after my Wordless Wednesday post last week, meaning I ovulated on Friday. I had a temperature dip to confirm that so I knew. The problem with that is that it was before my normal predicted fertile window, and it was 2 days before I expected to ovulate. So, we didn't get as much BDing or time it very well (couldn't DB every other day like planned). In one way, it's probably a blessing that it happened early because it was supposed to happen the day of the Superbowl and I'm sure not much action would have been had since we were hosting a party.
Today I am at 6DPO, and I had this
Implantation dip maybe? I am going to keep temping normally until it goes back up (hopefully shoots up tomorrow or it's not an ID). For sanity sake, after then, I am going to chart in the evening instead of in the morning. That way, low temp won't ruin my day.
FX!
I got a positive OPK on the day after my Wordless Wednesday post last week, meaning I ovulated on Friday. I had a temperature dip to confirm that so I knew. The problem with that is that it was before my normal predicted fertile window, and it was 2 days before I expected to ovulate. So, we didn't get as much BDing or time it very well (couldn't DB every other day like planned). In one way, it's probably a blessing that it happened early because it was supposed to happen the day of the Superbowl and I'm sure not much action would have been had since we were hosting a party.
Today I am at 6DPO, and I had this
Implantation dip maybe? I am going to keep temping normally until it goes back up (hopefully shoots up tomorrow or it's not an ID). For sanity sake, after then, I am going to chart in the evening instead of in the morning. That way, low temp won't ruin my day.
FX!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Obsession
Ah yes, I have been obsessing. I'm in my 2WW, little more than half way through, and I've just about worn out the chart overlay button on http://www.fertilityfriend.com
Yesterday I had a dip of a half a degree and this morning it was right back up, classic signs of an implantation dip. I also had some minor achy and crampy feelings last night while we were at the football game. They were bad enough that I wish I had brought some Tylenol and that I wasn't standing most of the game.
The only thing that does concern me about today's temp was that I didn't go to bed until about 2am and we realized that the house temp was set much higher than normal (almost 10 degrees since we drop it down when we sleep), then the cat woke us up at 4:30 and I was so hot that I had a hard time getting back to sleep. So I had 4 hours of interrupted sleep before I took my temperature. I'm not sure if that would give me a higher or lower than usual reading. It is noted on my chart but it is driving me crazy! I want to go to bed and wake up in the morning so I can get a more accurate reading. The only down side to that, is well tomorrow is Monday. :(
As for signs and symptoms, I have reverted back to how I was before I started TTC and charting. I rarely ever had any PMS/Pregnancy symptoms. I was always tired during the 2WW, but never realized it was related to the progesterone. I never had sore breasts or mood swings or bloating or anything like that. Usually exactly 7 days before AF I would have a bout of irritability, then sometimes I would feel down or be more sensitive. So my chart has been pretty bare, and I'm currently at 7DBAF (Days Before AF) and no signs of irritability or sadness. The only thing that's been a little unusual is the cramping I've been feeling. Whenever I get cramps, it's usually w/i hours of AF arriving.
So FX and *babydust* for me for a BFP. If temperatures are still high tomorrow, then I'll probably test before DH's SA this week, but even then it might be too soon for a positive.
Yesterday I had a dip of a half a degree and this morning it was right back up, classic signs of an implantation dip. I also had some minor achy and crampy feelings last night while we were at the football game. They were bad enough that I wish I had brought some Tylenol and that I wasn't standing most of the game.
The only thing that does concern me about today's temp was that I didn't go to bed until about 2am and we realized that the house temp was set much higher than normal (almost 10 degrees since we drop it down when we sleep), then the cat woke us up at 4:30 and I was so hot that I had a hard time getting back to sleep. So I had 4 hours of interrupted sleep before I took my temperature. I'm not sure if that would give me a higher or lower than usual reading. It is noted on my chart but it is driving me crazy! I want to go to bed and wake up in the morning so I can get a more accurate reading. The only down side to that, is well tomorrow is Monday. :(
As for signs and symptoms, I have reverted back to how I was before I started TTC and charting. I rarely ever had any PMS/Pregnancy symptoms. I was always tired during the 2WW, but never realized it was related to the progesterone. I never had sore breasts or mood swings or bloating or anything like that. Usually exactly 7 days before AF I would have a bout of irritability, then sometimes I would feel down or be more sensitive. So my chart has been pretty bare, and I'm currently at 7DBAF (Days Before AF) and no signs of irritability or sadness. The only thing that's been a little unusual is the cramping I've been feeling. Whenever I get cramps, it's usually w/i hours of AF arriving.
So FX and *babydust* for me for a BFP. If temperatures are still high tomorrow, then I'll probably test before DH's SA this week, but even then it might be too soon for a positive.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Since Last Cycle...
We've seen a new year and quite a bit has occurred in the way of TTC.
First off, we're sick, or at least recovering now. We started coming down with symptoms on the first, what a great way to start the new year! AF arrived on Christmas morning. She was late, but no BFP. Let me tell you, it was a heartbreak after a heartbreak. I felt that I wasn't pregnant on Dec.22nd even before I tested. AF was due on the 24th, but she didn't arrive, mild cramping but not even a spot. I barely slept that night, a combination of being restless and being excited that I might be preggo. I even wasted a digital test that morning, BFN :(
The rest of the week was pretty much a blur. I couldn't really concentrate on work, I couldn't concentrate on my cycle, so I decided au natural this time. Just me, DH, the therm and some OPKs. I did end up taking guaifensin because of being sick, hey two bird/one stone!
At Christmas I told one sister to find a place to donate the crib. Since so many cribs have been recalled we thought it best to just get a new one. The crib has history, so it was sad to turn it down but I'd feel more safe with a new one. Another sister overheard the conversation and asked if we were going to see a LO in the near future and I said, "I dunno, I dunno if it'll ever happen". Of course by this time all my sisters were near so they all know of my IF concerns. I am glad they know and glad to be outed in such a casual way. I think my brother even knows because he he walked in on the "have him get tested first" part of the conversation. I just told him he didn't want to know what the pow wow was about, lol. He's used to it by now.
I did have a nice talk with my sister about her struggles with IF on NYE. I won't go into too much here because its her story to tell, but maybe one day I'll have her write a post about her experience. She even offered to be a surrogate for me if it came down to it. The talk was very comforting. Not only was she able to give me a lot of information and resources, but she also offered reassurance that some of what I was feeling was completely normal.
Also during the past two weeks, I have booked an appointment with the birth center and the midwives there to tour the facilities. They also cover well-women care so perhaps I'll make an appointment for an exam. I do hope I like the facilities and their policies as I'd love to have my birthing experience in a place other than a hospital. We are also in the process of getting an SA scheduled. I'll try and get DH to write about that experience.
Because we've been sick we haven't really been BDing as much but we seemed to have timed things well enough. The break has also rejuvenated a bit of our stamina. I am so very lucky though. On CD11 I contemplated starting OPKs, but decided not too. I didn't want to waste them since I never O before CD14. Since I had been sick, I was concerned that it would actually be delayed, but hoped for CD17. I started OPKs on CD14 and got a blaring positive. I'm glad I didn't wait any longer to start them!
Fingers crossed that I'll have to give my unopened box of CBEs (Clearblue Easy) to my TTC friend because I won't need 'em! Do you realize that it's quite possible to have a 10/10/10 baby from this cycle. How cool would that be??
First off, we're sick, or at least recovering now. We started coming down with symptoms on the first, what a great way to start the new year! AF arrived on Christmas morning. She was late, but no BFP. Let me tell you, it was a heartbreak after a heartbreak. I felt that I wasn't pregnant on Dec.22nd even before I tested. AF was due on the 24th, but she didn't arrive, mild cramping but not even a spot. I barely slept that night, a combination of being restless and being excited that I might be preggo. I even wasted a digital test that morning, BFN :(
The rest of the week was pretty much a blur. I couldn't really concentrate on work, I couldn't concentrate on my cycle, so I decided au natural this time. Just me, DH, the therm and some OPKs. I did end up taking guaifensin because of being sick, hey two bird/one stone!
At Christmas I told one sister to find a place to donate the crib. Since so many cribs have been recalled we thought it best to just get a new one. The crib has history, so it was sad to turn it down but I'd feel more safe with a new one. Another sister overheard the conversation and asked if we were going to see a LO in the near future and I said, "I dunno, I dunno if it'll ever happen". Of course by this time all my sisters were near so they all know of my IF concerns. I am glad they know and glad to be outed in such a casual way. I think my brother even knows because he he walked in on the "have him get tested first" part of the conversation. I just told him he didn't want to know what the pow wow was about, lol. He's used to it by now.
I did have a nice talk with my sister about her struggles with IF on NYE. I won't go into too much here because its her story to tell, but maybe one day I'll have her write a post about her experience. She even offered to be a surrogate for me if it came down to it. The talk was very comforting. Not only was she able to give me a lot of information and resources, but she also offered reassurance that some of what I was feeling was completely normal.
Also during the past two weeks, I have booked an appointment with the birth center and the midwives there to tour the facilities. They also cover well-women care so perhaps I'll make an appointment for an exam. I do hope I like the facilities and their policies as I'd love to have my birthing experience in a place other than a hospital. We are also in the process of getting an SA scheduled. I'll try and get DH to write about that experience.
Because we've been sick we haven't really been BDing as much but we seemed to have timed things well enough. The break has also rejuvenated a bit of our stamina. I am so very lucky though. On CD11 I contemplated starting OPKs, but decided not too. I didn't want to waste them since I never O before CD14. Since I had been sick, I was concerned that it would actually be delayed, but hoped for CD17. I started OPKs on CD14 and got a blaring positive. I'm glad I didn't wait any longer to start them!
Fingers crossed that I'll have to give my unopened box of CBEs (Clearblue Easy) to my TTC friend because I won't need 'em! Do you realize that it's quite possible to have a 10/10/10 baby from this cycle. How cool would that be??
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
My Heart Hurts
My heart hurts, it is shattered today. I knew of the BFN even before I even tested. I shouldn't have tested, just another $1 and a handful of tears down the drain.
My heart hurts and my mind is burdened with the knowledge that the only people who can comfort me right know, that truly understand my plight, can only give virtual hugs. I do appreciate the community found online, but still there's something powerful about someone who is there to wipe away the tears.
When will it be my turn? When can I experience the bundle of joy?
My heart hurts and my mind is burdened with the knowledge that the only people who can comfort me right know, that truly understand my plight, can only give virtual hugs. I do appreciate the community found online, but still there's something powerful about someone who is there to wipe away the tears.
When will it be my turn? When can I experience the bundle of joy?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Little Present Under The Tree
DH and I are remodelling our basement. We've been DIY for a little while now. Honestly, I am embarrassed to even mention just how long. We got far enough for the initial inspection before drywalling. We did a test of our skills in the garage over the summer. We got it half done. The mudding/taping portion didn't go so well. Faced with the daunting task of moving tons of drywall board down to the basement, I decided to have that part at least contracted out.
My Uncle is a carpenter so we naturally asked him and he graciously agreed to give us an estimate. 3 weeks later we have a new floor plan, plumbing installed, drywall, doors, the works! All that's left are door knobs, once they arrive.
Him and his wife stopped by Saturday morning to talk. By that time we had used up a 5 gallon bucket of ceiling paint and were about to head out to pick up wall paint. We discussed with them our plans for what to do with the space. I told DH that he'd need to get help moving the TV down the stairs because there's no way I'm doing it. It's a bit on the heavy side, but more than that it's awkward in it's weight distribution. The TV has a tube in it so it can't really be jostled around. After the bill for the work, I really don't want to fork out more dough to replace the tv!
My Aunt looked at my dead square in the eyes and asked if they should be expecting a little present under the tree and that it was okay to tell them because they won't say ANYTHING to anyone. I giggled. It was cute, but sadly not yet.
So, I inquired as to what gave her that thought...if it was not lifting anything heavy, or if it was the book. She had forgotten about the book, but it turns out that it was what originally gave her that thought.
You see, the book in question is Your Pregnancy Week by Week, and I had loaned it to a friend a few months ago. She left it on my dining room table when she and her DH came over for dinner earlier in the week. On a side note, she's not pregnant yet either :(. My sister put the book and several others in one of the 30 boxes of baby stuff she brought over in the summer. When I got home Monday, I realized my gaff and put it in the pile of stuff going to Goodwill, hoping to fool anyone that saw it. Apparently that failed, lol. That night my Uncle mentioned to my Aunt that we might be keeping some good news from them.
I wasn't upset when she asked. I honestly thought it was very cute to see her eyes light up with the idea. Thankfully DH kept to himself that we're hopeful about this month, but he did mention that we were trying to start a family. Ah, nothing like telling your relatives that you're having sex!
So yes, while having 2 pink lines will be the best and most memorable Christmas present ever, it's not one we're likely to share until a few weeks later (well, IRL anyway!).
My Uncle is a carpenter so we naturally asked him and he graciously agreed to give us an estimate. 3 weeks later we have a new floor plan, plumbing installed, drywall, doors, the works! All that's left are door knobs, once they arrive.
Him and his wife stopped by Saturday morning to talk. By that time we had used up a 5 gallon bucket of ceiling paint and were about to head out to pick up wall paint. We discussed with them our plans for what to do with the space. I told DH that he'd need to get help moving the TV down the stairs because there's no way I'm doing it. It's a bit on the heavy side, but more than that it's awkward in it's weight distribution. The TV has a tube in it so it can't really be jostled around. After the bill for the work, I really don't want to fork out more dough to replace the tv!
My Aunt looked at my dead square in the eyes and asked if they should be expecting a little present under the tree and that it was okay to tell them because they won't say ANYTHING to anyone. I giggled. It was cute, but sadly not yet.
So, I inquired as to what gave her that thought...if it was not lifting anything heavy, or if it was the book. She had forgotten about the book, but it turns out that it was what originally gave her that thought.
You see, the book in question is Your Pregnancy Week by Week, and I had loaned it to a friend a few months ago. She left it on my dining room table when she and her DH came over for dinner earlier in the week. On a side note, she's not pregnant yet either :(. My sister put the book and several others in one of the 30 boxes of baby stuff she brought over in the summer. When I got home Monday, I realized my gaff and put it in the pile of stuff going to Goodwill, hoping to fool anyone that saw it. Apparently that failed, lol. That night my Uncle mentioned to my Aunt that we might be keeping some good news from them.
I wasn't upset when she asked. I honestly thought it was very cute to see her eyes light up with the idea. Thankfully DH kept to himself that we're hopeful about this month, but he did mention that we were trying to start a family. Ah, nothing like telling your relatives that you're having sex!
So yes, while having 2 pink lines will be the best and most memorable Christmas present ever, it's not one we're likely to share until a few weeks later (well, IRL anyway!).
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hold On Just A Dang Minute!
After a few days of thinking about our situation, my feelings haven't changed much. I'm still feeling frustrated and discouraged, but will changes make me feel better? I guess only time will tell.
Will I likely become pregnant by the end of the year? I feel doubtful. AF likely has a 'gift' addressed to me for Christmas. Will it happen within a year? That I am hopeful for, almost desperately so.
At about 11DPO I knew in my heart that my cycle was a bust, even as I willed my temperatures to increase each morning. Each morning I watch it fall. The usual month I won't know for sure until 13DPO.
I feel like a failure, DH and I sat down yesterday and I told him that I was giving up on TTC for now. It's too much pressure, especially when he goes out and tells his family that we're trying. So in a way I am dreading the holidays and the questioning looks that will inevitably tag along. What do I tell them? Technically we're taking a hiatus, but I don't really want to or like the idea of sharing bedroom antics with relatives. Awkward.
I'm still charting some signs for reference, but no special supplements or temperatures. It's evident that I am ovulating and that we're timing things well, so it's not a big deal if I stop with the BBT. I'm just going to rely on what mother nature tells me.
It just stinks that it really takes a year before anyone in the medical field will take this seriously. I'd just like a few tests, blood work or SA just to tell us that it's not all for naught. Its a lot of pain and stress to go through for a year to find out nothing would have happened.
All I can say is that it's been a hell of a year and not just because of TTC. I'll be glad if the year end on a good note. So for that reason, I'm going to try extra hard to enjoy the holidays on my terms. It'll be nice to start over with a clean slate at the beginning of the year. I know it's cheesy to think that, but it feel like it to me, even the beginning of a week feels the same.
Thinking of the future gets me feeling hopeful...gets me out of the mood of dwelling on current problems. I'm even, gasp, listening to a Christmas carol station on Pandora!
Will I likely become pregnant by the end of the year? I feel doubtful. AF likely has a 'gift' addressed to me for Christmas. Will it happen within a year? That I am hopeful for, almost desperately so.
At about 11DPO I knew in my heart that my cycle was a bust, even as I willed my temperatures to increase each morning. Each morning I watch it fall. The usual month I won't know for sure until 13DPO.
I feel like a failure, DH and I sat down yesterday and I told him that I was giving up on TTC for now. It's too much pressure, especially when he goes out and tells his family that we're trying. So in a way I am dreading the holidays and the questioning looks that will inevitably tag along. What do I tell them? Technically we're taking a hiatus, but I don't really want to or like the idea of sharing bedroom antics with relatives. Awkward.
I'm still charting some signs for reference, but no special supplements or temperatures. It's evident that I am ovulating and that we're timing things well, so it's not a big deal if I stop with the BBT. I'm just going to rely on what mother nature tells me.
It just stinks that it really takes a year before anyone in the medical field will take this seriously. I'd just like a few tests, blood work or SA just to tell us that it's not all for naught. Its a lot of pain and stress to go through for a year to find out nothing would have happened.
All I can say is that it's been a hell of a year and not just because of TTC. I'll be glad if the year end on a good note. So for that reason, I'm going to try extra hard to enjoy the holidays on my terms. It'll be nice to start over with a clean slate at the beginning of the year. I know it's cheesy to think that, but it feel like it to me, even the beginning of a week feels the same.
Thinking of the future gets me feeling hopeful...gets me out of the mood of dwelling on current problems. I'm even, gasp, listening to a Christmas carol station on Pandora!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
New Signs
I've had a few signs that have me both a little excited and curious. Pelvic fullness, lower abdominal soreness, cramping, and a triphasic shift in my chart. These are new signs in addition to the headaches (that come and go, but seem to come more often this month), sore boobs, slight and unpredictable nausea/queasiness that somehow have cropped up now every month now that I am officially TTC. Seriously, my PMS used to be easy peasy, just some irritability exactly 1 week before AF showed and some bad cramping the day of. So, what's the deal with that? Maybe I am TOO in tune with my body.
Anyway, back to the signs at hand. The one sign I am most excited about is a triphasic shift...and actual triphasic shift. I'm sure that I've spoken about it. I always seem to get a temp spike around implantation, but it's just 1 day and it back down or falling. This time around I actually possess 3 days of a sustained 3rd shift in temperatures in one month. The official definition is .3 change after 7 days post ovulation where the temperature is sustained for at least 3 days. I am gloating. Bask in the glory of my chart (under the links). A triphasic chart, while not a sound early predictor of pregnancy, fertilityfriend.com determined that only 12% of charts were considered triphasic and 80% of those deamed such were later found to be in possession of the much coveted BFP.
You know what they say though, the bigger they are, the harder they fall...Will my dreams be crushed? Stay tuned to find out.
Anyway, back to the signs at hand. The one sign I am most excited about is a triphasic shift...and actual triphasic shift. I'm sure that I've spoken about it. I always seem to get a temp spike around implantation, but it's just 1 day and it back down or falling. This time around I actually possess 3 days of a sustained 3rd shift in temperatures in one month. The official definition is .3 change after 7 days post ovulation where the temperature is sustained for at least 3 days. I am gloating. Bask in the glory of my chart (under the links). A triphasic chart, while not a sound early predictor of pregnancy, fertilityfriend.com determined that only 12% of charts were considered triphasic and 80% of those deamed such were later found to be in possession of the much coveted BFP.
You know what they say though, the bigger they are, the harder they fall...Will my dreams be crushed? Stay tuned to find out.
Monday, October 19, 2009
In Hiding
I've been in blog hiding. I know, I am a bad blogger for not updating sooner, but here goes.
I've had a frustrating month as the first two weeks went. I was on track for the first few days and then they got really unpredictable. Day to day it was frustrating not being able to predict where my temps would be. And then, I ovulated early. Thankfully it was only a few days earlier but I've decided I'm not longer going to try and pin it down to the day in the future. The fertility window on fertilityfriend.com seems to work well enough.
During the awful 2WW I've been keeping myself busy with work, taking care of a sick husband, and working on some photography stuff. Honestly, that has only been a little more than a week. I'm currently in the later stages of the 2WW and expect either a BFP or AF at the end of the week. Just in time for my trip to South Bend (sigh). Why can't AF schedule visits at a more opportune time?
I've had a frustrating month as the first two weeks went. I was on track for the first few days and then they got really unpredictable. Day to day it was frustrating not being able to predict where my temps would be. And then, I ovulated early. Thankfully it was only a few days earlier but I've decided I'm not longer going to try and pin it down to the day in the future. The fertility window on fertilityfriend.com seems to work well enough.
During the awful 2WW I've been keeping myself busy with work, taking care of a sick husband, and working on some photography stuff. Honestly, that has only been a little more than a week. I'm currently in the later stages of the 2WW and expect either a BFP or AF at the end of the week. Just in time for my trip to South Bend (sigh). Why can't AF schedule visits at a more opportune time?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)