Week 17 -- Letting go

THIS GIRL. She may be small, but she is MIGHTY! She can get into anything and everything in a
matter of seconds!

This week, Brandon's grandfather passed away, so in a matter of days we snagged a flight for him and made plans for him to go home for the weekend. What started out as a joke that he could take Josie with him, ended up turning in to a legitimate decision. Talk about STRESSFUL! At first I thought, "NO WAY! " But after looking ahead --I had a PACKED weekend--it started to make more sense for her to go with him. I cried. I prayed. I struggled with this decision. I know there are many who feel too as I did initially, NO WAY! And there are probably some who think I am a terrible mother for letting her go. But the reality is, Brandon and I are a team. He's a parent just as much as I am. And he was willing to step in and take Josie and relieve a little stress from my plate. Who am I to say no to that?! I love seeing every picture he texts and look forward to the updates, and can't wait for them to get back tomorrow!



Saturday I got up really early and had everyone dressed, fed and in the car by 6:40 a.m. so we could hit the road to Lubbock. The set up for that is AWESOME here! Every quarter, they have a temple day, where you can take all your kids and leave them at the church that shares a parking lot with the temple. They load the kids up on snacks, activities, toys. My kids seriously don't want to leave!

When we were looking at places to live, I had 3 requests...we prayed to know what to ask for and we took the things we felt impressed by and prayed for those specific things.
1- to be within 16 hours of home
2-to live by an airport
3-to have a temple within an hour so we could go frequently.

We live 16 1/2 hours from home--but really, when you travel there, you go back an hour. So somehow that feels more like 15 1/2 :)

We do have an airport. And it's an airport that Southwest even flies to! That is pretty awesome in my book. But it's small enough that I have never waited for another soul in line at security. Pretty fantastic.

And while the temple isn't within an hour--it' IS within 2 hours--and the babysitting makes it so that we know regardless of whether we find someone to babysit so we can go another time, we have 4 built in opportunities to go every year.

SO MUCH EVIDENCE that the Lord knows us! He knows our wants and needs. And more than anything, this reminds me that HE ANSWERS PRAYERS!



The kids and I stopped at Ihop on the way back. We designated a few minutes of quiet time when we got home, and then I cleaned out the garage to get donations ready for the Scout fundraiser, before gathering everyone once again to load up and go take pictures for a Young Women who goes to church with us, and her 2 friends. As evidenced by my sad blog lately, my camera has not been on the forefront of my life. But it felt really good to have purpose and HAVE to get it out--it is a hobby I really do love and enjoy.

My kids LOVED running around and exploring the grounds. I love listening to their imaginations run wild. And I was shocked when they WANTED to get pics before we left. This really translates into, "hey, take some silly pictures of us doing crazy things"...but I hope it gets them geared up for next week when we attempt real family pictures. (minus the silly faces)












Yes, these funny kids are anything but normal. :) Our life is anything but normal. What IS normal? Does anyone really know?!

Previously these pictures would probably have never made it off my camera.. I am one who tends to be paralyzed by the idea of imperfection for MYSELF. I set such an unrealistic expectation and standard for myself to achieve, that the inevitable falling short makes me crumble. I am afraid to make mistakes, to do things wrong, to be judged and picked apart for not holding it all together. It has caused a tremendous amount of anxiety--to where I feel like a hermit. I am afraid to have people over because I don't want them to see how dirty my floor is or what a mess life has become while I have been trying to learn to balance life and work and parenting and church stuff. It gets really lonely. Horribly lonely, actually. And being a fairly social person at heart, this has been difficult.

I was thinking today as I put my kid in white socks for church, and left church in my purple and black dress with a sweater that wasn't the same purple tone...I'm starting to let go a little. I relaxing some of my OCD about things. I don't know that I have a choice some days--perhaps that is a good thing. But I feel like I am making a little headway in this department. While I'm counting down till Brandon and Josie return, I am happy I didn't let my fears overcome me...I am grateful I chose to let go of something I desperately wanted to control. It's actually been a good thing to sleep like a ROCK and be able to accomplish the 8,000 things on my plate this weekend.

So if you see my kids with a hole in their jeans (cringe!!), or come to my house and see clutter on the counter, or notice that not every picture is truly picture perfect, just know that while it may be judged as imperfection--it's really just me making progress in letting go.

Week 16 - The hap-hap-happenings

I am pretty sure I committed to take more pictures last week. Reality. I didn't pick up my camera once! On my goodness. This must change. In my defense, my brother was here working on computer stuff and the rest of the week was insane in the membrane. FOR REAL. Trying again this week!

I'll tell ya, I am ready to get back to life that isn't 99.9% absorbed in the business. We are gearing up for our big open house and many spare moments has been taking care of office stuff, ordering furniture, unboxing and putting together furniture, sending furniture back, looking for fabric and decor, shopping for promotional items and planning an event we hope lots of people come to, dealing with cabinets that were custom made WRONG multiple times. I am holding on tight for another few weeks and then I really hope once that's over, I can go back to my normal post--payroll, reconciling the books, doing the monthly staff meeting and weekly office check in to buy supplies and meet with other offices for marketing. Until then...it's super hectic. ;) But it's not forever...

Things I am loving right now?
--My van. Oh my goodness, I never knew such love existed. I can't think of much of anything that I don't love about it...Going from Team Toyota to Team Honda in the van department was a smart move!
-- Relief Society...
--seeing watermelon in the grocery store again
--Unisom--it has revolutionized my occasional insomnia
--Online shopping
--Our Tax return
--The prospect of planning a trip to Hawaii...it's not firm and final, but it's looking like it might be in the works!
--sleeping on fresh, clean sheets.

So much to love...

Can you believe this Josie girl will be a year old in 2 weeks? I can't. She is turning into a little tornado. Just today she fell down the stairs, pulled all the dishes out of the cabinet onto her, got smashed behind the door...pulled all the things out of my purse, AGAIN. She is so fast! My goodness!

This week over dinner, the kids were talking about what their fears were. Spencer said he feared being kidnapped. Kaden feared being the center of attention, and Brandon and I getting divorced. Jenna feared failure and letting people down. Man...when did life get so serious for them? I didn't even know Kaden realized what divorce is and I was shocked to hear he didn't want to be the center of attention. He has crazy funny dance moves and is really funny at home. Perhaps in public he feels totally different?? Jenna...oh Jenna reminded me so much of me. I still feel that way. She may not look like me, but our feelings are so similar. Often when we speaks of loneliness and how out of place she feels, I just cry along with her. I understand what it is like to be surrounded by so many good people, but long for the connection of someone who longs for closeness with you the way you do with them. I wish my kids never had to deal with sadness. I wish I could protect them from all heartache. I know I can't. I know this is one of the reasons they need the Savior. But as a mama, it sure does make my heart hurt.

On a lighter note, this week we paid off Brandon's car! We have paid off everything now except our student loans. That will be a beast to work through, but we are anxious to get the ball rolling. School was expensive...but I am hoping with a lot of dedication we can plow through this many year process. Now if only we could win the lottery we don't play. :) That would help...

I love Spring--that life around us starts to feel new again. I love the fresh start. I look forward to the warm days of summer and swimming and the smell of chlorine in our beach towels. But for now, I love Spring and what it represents.

I know there is still a lot ahead of us, in many ways. There's a lot going on right now...but I am really grateful. I am. The Lord has not left us comfortless...we see His hand in so much of life and know He is designing a perfect plan for us. Not always easy. But just the right thing we need.

Just a reminder--this is my last week keeping this blog public--If you want to stay reading, leave me your email or message me on facebook and let me know!

Happy Sunday!

Week 15 - Random thoughts

This week was really busy--and the coming week is much the same--and I am starting to realize that every week could have the same thing said about it.

Sometimes I miss the days when the kids were little and we had nothing big going on--even though the days were busy in their own respect. The more time passes, the faster the world spins. I AM hoping, however, that once we get the office all set up and have our open house, things will slow down just a tiny bit...

I got no real pictures this week. I only have ones taken on my phone camera. And most of them are of no real significance to document--our new office chairs, the positioning of a table in the corner at the office, some curtains I couldn't decide if I should get, the giant chair boxes stacked with the kids hanging on, etc. I DID, however, find myself with a few moments to spare in between running errands and taking Carter to preschool--so we took our van for a trip through the car wash. I LOVE the car wash--it is so relaxing to me. EXCEPT, I was reminded so vividly of a time not so long ago when I attempted to take Brandon's old car through the car wash. It was Father's Day weekend, and I had a great plan to get his car all spiffied up for him. The windows in his car were held up by rubber stoppers because the piece broke that kept them in place and it was more expensive than the car was worth to fix them. But we had dealt with some pretty fierce rainstorms and in my mind it seemed that if the windows stayed up during that, there would be no problem in a car wash.

I was wrong.

As I settled in to relax and enjoy my few minutes in the wash, I noticed water started streaming down the driver side window...on the INSIDE of the window. I quickly pushed my hand as hard as I could in an upward motion to stop the window from sliding any more. Meanwhile, water started spraying me from the opposite side of the car, and I realized that window too was sliding down. I started bawling, as I spread my body as wide as it would go to hold the windows up. Each new phase of wash brought a terrifying wave of panic over me. I prayed so hard that car wash would just end!

I finally pulled out of the car wash--soaked, sobbing, and completely frazzled. I can look back and laugh now, but man was that scary!

It scarred me for months--and I find myself avoiding the car wash at all cost.

But this week, the weather was calling out that it was a perfect time to wash the van. So I drove in, parked, sat back ready to relax and enjoy the show. But I was on alert the whole time. Panicking if our sunroof would start leaking, worried if I rolled the windows up all the way or if there were any cracks, While I rolled out of there dry as can be, I had to have a good laugh at myself...






What else is on my mind this week?

Amarillo.

We really do love so many things about this place. It's so easy it is to get around town, the size is the perfect happy medium for what Brandon wanted and what I wanted, there are beautiful sunrises and sunsets., etc. Sometimes it is hard to believe that this is where we are settling...that this is it for us...for a good, long while. I think after moving so much, it's hard to imagine being somewhere and establishing roots. We have felt very guided that this is where we need to be. We know that this place and job situation was reserved specifically for us, even though at times it is hard to understand why. There are certainly many reasons we would have loved to just have a job offer with a contract and benefits and have everything all set up for us like we imagined would happen. Buying a practice was not really in our equation. Being in Amarillo never really crossed our minds at. all. We were 99% sure we would be leaving Texas for somewhere else...ANYWHERE else. But seeing how this new plan unfolded, we have no question it is where we are to be right now. I know this! I just sometimes wonder why. What is it that we will learn here? What is in store for us here? What does Heavenly Father see that we don't? What blessings and tests and trials will come from our chapter here? Will us being here make a difference to anyone? We are really determined to love it here. I think it's hard not to when we see how very specifically the Lord guided us to get here. Just some Amarillo ponderings...

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We were blessed to have my brother come down this weekened to help take care of some computer issues and technical stuff. It's been really fun to share some of our favorite eats and see him in action doing computer stuff. I'm reminded how grateful I am that so many people have talents I do not possess. We would be dead in the water without smarties like him!

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Things I am also grateful for this week--accountants, tax returns, online banking, backup cameras, a really supportive husband, Blue Sky burger--holy moly those burgers are tasty! I'm grateful for prayer, for the opportunity to have endless talks and points of docterine at our fingertips night or day. I'm grateful for a garage to park in, and new friendships, and coupons, and good companies that offer great customer service.

I am also really grateful for the people who work for us. Really I consider it working WITH us. While I never envisioned being an employer or writing anyone's paychecks, it's where we are. And I feel like there are not enough words to convey my gratitude for each one of them! We could not do this without each one of them. I have so much love and admiration for their tremendous efforts and consider them truly like family.

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I have thought a lot about taking these writings and this blog private. I love sharing and being open, as I have for the past 8 years. But I have started to realize that in no way would I ever want anything on here to affect our practice. And I want Brandon to be able to have a private life that isn't shared throughout the community. :)  Because I don't know who reads it--it may really not be anyone--I hesitate to just leave it open for all any longer.

If you want to stay a reader, just leave a comment with your email or email/message me so I can add you on. I'll wait until next week to take it private. Just feel like it's probably time to take our long life story and take it behind closed doors.

Leaving this post with a goal to take more real pictures this week and find more purpose in daily life...

Happy Sunday.

Week 14 - The Crazy Cafe and a little bit o' Easter

This week...

I will not be sad to bid good riddence to it...

For the most part, it was chaotic and stressful and exhausting. Seriously,

I feel like the past several weeks have been that way. I need a vacation. On a beach. With zero responsibility. :)

I'm lame when it comes to April Fool's Day. I don't do any fun tricks...it takes more brainpower than I have right now. But the one  tried and true thing I do every single year is the Crazy Cafe. We have a normal dinner, but the kids order their dinner by silly item, and whatever that item is, during that course of dinner, is what they get.

Poor Spencer happened to order a napkin and drink on his first course.


Jenna was somewhat successful, but didn't get any silverware with her first course. (and yes, I am classy and serve cheesecake on a paper towel...if that goes to show you how draining this week was. lol)



Carter didn't know anything was amiss...he just made it work, which was kind of funny. :) He was thrilled to have plain pasta--no sauce. and when it did come, he just ate that separate.





THRILLED to have food!



Josie and Jenna. They always have snuggle time each night and Jenna loves it. Josie can often be found crawling all over the bed and getting into all Jenna's things. And this often results in lots of giggles from Jenna. I love that they love each other...





We had a little friend egg hunt on Friday night, which happened to be when a cold front came through. And by cold, I do mean cold! BRRR! Everyone was bundled up and teeth were chattering. Tomorrow will be 85...Texas sure does have some mother nature mood swings sometimes. :)




















The weekend brought a welcome change from the rest of the week. Saturday, we slept in. It was glorious--wonderful--splendid--every positive word I can even imagine all rolled into one. I can't remember when I got up exactly, but it was well after 8. I am pretty sure we didn't eat breakfast till almost 10. We spent the morning watching conference, making a load of muffins to freeze, prepping for Easter dinner, etc. I loved all the talks--and I can't wait to read them in the next Ensign!

We ordered pizza to be delivered right as Conference was ending,which was nice. I may have to make a tradition of that. We never order to be delivered, so it was a fun treat. But our Conference ends at 5 p.m. here and it's right when we usually eat dinner, and I hate spending the session preparing something, so it worked. :)


Sunday morning, we made our traditional Resurrection Rolls. This is a FAVORITE for all of the kids. I love discussing the symbolism of this tradition...and the rolls are really good. :)
















I have been so grateful for General Conference to be on Easter Sunday. It has been a glorious weekend--we have spent some much needed time together. I slept in 2 days in a row. We have been physically nourished by a plethora of yummy foods, and spiritually nourished by the words of men called by God. I feel renewed and ready to be better and do better. I know I fall short, in so many ways. I struggle with that. But remembering that my Savior suffered through all so that I can not only overcome these weaknesses, but that I can turn to Him to use these things to become more like Him. I am grateful for His sacrifice. And I am grateful that the tomb was empty--HE LIVES. I testify of that. I tetify of what a miraculous and beautiful gift that is, today and for eternity.

Happy Easter.

Josie--11 months

Dear Josie,

11 whole months. And I just know I will blink and suddenly you'll be a year. Oh, how quickly time flies.

At 11 months you have 9 teeth, and more growing in as we speak. You are mobile as can be! The other day, everyone came downstairs and brought you with them. Next thing I know I heard your little voice echoing in the stairwell next to the kitchen. I panicked, thinking the kids must have left you upstairs and you were about to dive headfirst down the staircase. But upon quick examination, I realized they did, indeed, bring you down. But you had made your way over and were already halfway back up the stairs to the playroom. You're so fast!

You absolutely adore toilets...and toilet paper...and closets. If I ever don't know where you are, and don't see you on the stairs first, I immediately know you have made your way into the bathroom and are happily swishing toilet water with your hands, or unraveling the tp roll all over the floor, or you have found a closet and are happily shut inside and making a mess of whatever is inside.

As gross as all of that is, it's actually kind of funny too...at least the kids think so.

At 11 months, you still do a pretty good job at keeping bows on your head. I LOVE it! Your hair keeps playing tricks on me--some days I think you'll stay dark, Other days I see it going lighter and lighter. It's growing longer, and I definitely see the need to give you a good trim sometime soon, but I love your crazy hair in the meantime and can't wait to see what it will look like as you grow!

You can often be found bopping up and down and dancing to music--you still love the dishwasher like crazy--and you love to sing and have us sing to you. You're too busy to be snuggly, and some days that makes me sad. But mostly, it makes me happy that you're growing and moving and excited to explore and be alive.

My Josie girl, you have brought such life and laughter to our house. We each adore you so much. You are loved. You are valued. You are needed. There is not a day that goes by that we can fathom life without your contagious giggle and toothy grin.

We love you to the moon and back...
Love, mom