You wouldn't stick just ANY unnecessarily gender-identified item in your ear, would you?

Really? REALLY? REALLY?!!

So I have a new neighbor. I thought Karaoke Jesus was being replaced by another singing Jesus fan lady. That was apparently only temporary. For one Saturday morning a few weeks ago I was awakened by the sounds of a dude on the phone, trying to convince his girlfriend Sam that that "disgusting bitch" who drove his car home last night just dropped him off and they totally did not hook up. Choice highlights: "Don't let rumors ruin this!" "Let me come over and talk to you. What, you have plans? At 10:45 in the morning?" "I'm hungover as shit." "I love you so fucking much." "NOTHING HAPPENED." And I'm pretty sure nothing happened because I would have heard that shit. Since this time, Sam has yet to make an appearance, so as far as I know, they broke up over those rumors. My dear neighbor has come to be known as TV Guy. Why such a creative nickname, you ask? Because he watches a lot of TV. Really loudly. Like, all the time. Like he has a super-fancy sounding subwoofer hooked up to it right up against my bedroom wall and I can hear every line of dialogue. And then he sleeps with the TV on. He turns it down for that part, but it's still going when I wake up really early to go to one of my jobs. And speaking of jobs, I'm pretty sure TV Guy doesn't have one. Anyway, so I'm a light sleeper and this super-loud TV thing late at night when I have to work in the morning thing is not going to work. Did I mention he likes loud guitar music, both for listening and for playing on his own electric guitar? Also, he smokes a lot of pot that wafts into my window while I'm trying to sleep. I suppose the upside would be if I actually got a contact high and was able to sleep through his interminable viewings of super-noisy Simpsons episodes. After a few ridiculous nights, I was a little drunk and Isaac was over to encourage me, so I went ahead and knocked on the wall. I asked if he could turn the TV down, he did, and I said thank you through the wall. Even so, I decided that I needed to invest in some earplugs. I perused the earplug section at Kroger and discovered that there are far more options than one might expect in that department. But I spotted something so ridiculous and offensive that I was forced to buy it so I could take pictures and blog about it. These:

Only the slightly thinner, hot pink earplugs will work to block out my husband's snoring!

SCENE: Thursday night, Lauren is drunk. Super fucking loud action show bleeding through the wood paneling at nearly 3:00 in the morning when I have to work at 9:00. I am in bed with my pink earplugs in, it is still too loud, and Isaac confirms independently that the volume level is ridiculous. I do not want to get out of bed or be polite. I grab a romance novel and throw it at the wall. TV Guy reacts very quickly to turn it down. I hope this will be our last confrontation and he'll be like, "Hey, maybe on weeknights after midnight I should turn this shit down to under 11 because some people like my next door neighbor who has now both politely and irately indicated that the television might be too loud may have to get to sleep so they can work for a living in the morning. Also, I should stop having such emo hair. But the first part is a priority." Anyway, I can't get over the fact that this Hearos brand sells a) so many different types of earplugs and also some sort of pop can opener/lid thing (Why is that necessary? Pour it in a sippy cup, people! Buy a 20-ouncer with a twist-on lid. Seriously!), some special earbuds, and more and also b) WTF WHY DO LADIES HAVE TO HAVE SPECIAL EARPLUGS THAT ARE PINK?!! Are they PH balanced for a woman's ear? Do they secrete some especially lady-friendly vitamins for my special lady ear vitamin needs? I HATE MARKETING DEPARTMENTS. "Let's make it pink, say it's for women, and sell it as a separate product!" Great idea, assholes. Anyway, check out their "TV" site. Click on the dial for channel 2 for a great commercial. They are right about beauty sleep always being in fashion, though. I should tell TV Guy about that.

Hello dear blog-readers (if there be any of you left)! It has been an intense few weeks what with doing actual work so I can not fail out of grad school and have to get a real job--this in combination with a tireless search to actually find not-terrible job(s) for the summer since I will be here taking classes and not assist-ing with the women's studies until fall again. Luckily, I turned things in for all my classes! Three papers of adequate length and quality! Here are this semester's paper titles*: 1. Edgy or Icky? Daria as an Immanent Critique of Postfeminist Popular Culture 2. Bloggers, 527s, and Vietnam: How the Internet Made Swift Boat Veterans for Truth 3. Raising a Monster Army: Militaristic Masculinity and the Recruitment of Free Digital Labor Yes, I read many articles and book chapters and then wrote these things and I turned them in and now the semester is over and I'm a little confused about not having something I should be working on. I am practicing just lying on the couch, not doing anything but playing with the internet. Not that this is much different than the school year, mind you, but this time I am not actually slacking. No, now I am filling my time by 'staying informed' about celebrity gossip and the latest Colbert videos while 'maintaining vital relationships' via Facebook stalking. Later I will be going grocery shopping, as it has been many many moons and all I have left in my house is some spaghetti, granola bar flavors I don't like, frozen limeade, and mini-tortillas. I have been eating a lot of mini-tortillas (perfect hangover/drunk food), and am left actually with only regular sizes of tortillas now. I must remedy this. In other news, Karaoke Jesus spent a very long several days graduating and moving out and having her entire extended family including a small child and an overly pissy mother of said child over constantly while I was trying to finish my last paper and then, like, sleep. I was going to miss her loud, sincere singing a little bit until this recent series of events and now say GOOD RIDDANCE and have fun in Austria or whatever because even though we've never met I hear EVERYTHING that you and your LOUD family and friends have ever said inside your apartment which is pretty much inside my apartment. Also, the neighbor known as Mesh, popular for wearing only mesh shorts in front of his TV, snoring quietly, and once banging on the wall while I was drunkenly trying to play the guitar and sing at 4:00 in the morning has appeared to have moved out also. I eagerly look forward to these apartments being filled by equally lovely folks. Or better yet, staying empty all summer. Too bad the kids who play loud, crappy crappy music with too much bass before 8:00 in the morning (NOT AN EXAGGERATION I HATE THEM I HATE THEM) are not moving out at this time also. Alas. Ooo! Last night was grad student prom (a party, not an actual school-sponsored event):

Hot hotness, right?

Anyhow, I will be doing a library job and a psychology/language-y/research job this summer and taking one class during the two summer sessions. I may have less sleeping-all-day time, but I plan on being very relaxed and hopefully making my clever and adorable presence, like, more present on this here blog. Anyway, I'm off to keep laying on this couch. Love, pinkipoos, and to finishing that fucking semester finally! Laurenzo *In humanities/cultural studies, subtitles are pretty much required. Duh.

It is possible my neighbor is having some sort of hysterical breakdown

My neighbor Jesus AKA Karaoke Jesus AKA the one who is really loud and can't sing, is fucking crazy. Seriously. I'm pretty sure she's watching TV right now (alone), but she has been giggling guffawing for HOURS ON END. Seriously, every thirty seconds or so. Really heartily. Now, I've seen some funny shows, and I've also been high. The only way her laughing is justifiable is if she just ate a couple really potent special brownies and is watching a marathon of all the best episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, Daria, Dr. Katz, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and CSI: Miami* in a row. Now, she's always been loud and always been a singer. This is not new. HOWEVER, the other night, she and some loud male friends rolled in around 3:00 a.m. or so. Isaac and I were just on some drunken Six Feet Under kick, so we didn't really mind. Until those drunk kids were STILL having the loudest conversation EVER and listening to loud, shitty, shitty music at 5:00. I swear to god I was about to go to bed, having just brushed my teeth and considering the couch since it is slightly quieter in the living room than in the bedroom, and Jesus is blasting "Slave 4 U." This is not a joke. Also, some of my other neighbors, who are usually quiet unless they are playing a highly competitive video game, have taken to playing loud, loud music at around 10:00 in the morning. On the WEEKEND. They started this during break, and I just don't understand. For the love christ, could you not turn down your subwoofer a little before noon?! Who ARE these people? Fucking crazy neighbors. *Technically not a comedy. But the Sexy Gay Jesus knows the highly-stylized color filters, snappy music, and crazy high-tech editing techniques are just the shiny veneer that covers David Caruso's (unconvincingly) gruff voice and badass, hilarious one-liners.