Quick Hit Booze Review: BuzzBallz Forbidden Apple

This review was undertaken a few weeks ago when I found this shit at a convenience store across the street from our hotel in Ohio. This seemed like the least offensive flavor. BuzzBallz: KEEPIN' IT KLASSY!

Yes, I spent $3.29 on this. FOR SCIENCE.

Alleged positive qualities: unbreakable, freezable, floatable. Supposedly they can be frozen (I did not freeze mine, but I'll just believe it) and they float. I tried making it float in our hotel bathroom sink. Mixed results. It's got air in it and its plastic, so it doesn't sink, but it's not exactly bobbing on the surface either. I DEBATE THIS CLAIM.

It's not NOT floating, I guess?

Oh, it is strong, and not really in a tasty way. Maybe better as either a shot or over ice? Just kind of sickly. The aftertaste is fine, though, because it's an actual mixed drink, not a gross malt beverage. I think it might just be a bad flavor/overly strong. That was 200 mL of YUCK.

My buzz is definitely maintained and moving ahead, however. So, there's that.

I'm almost sorry I moved away from Ohio

I've been reading some poll analysis because I hate myself. You guys, I know. Ohio is the only important state because of the winner-takes-all electoral college shenanigans we engage in every four years. And in a presidential election year, I moved away from Ohio and registered to vote here in Minnesota. I'm sorry my husband and I are going to double-handedly throw this election (possibly maybe according to some people, not all of whom are Newt Gingrich) toward Mitt Romney by wasting our votes in a state that will go blue anyway. Although maybe if we're lucky we can have  a split between the popular vote and the electoral college winner. Though how a majority of any non-millionaire group of people could vote for Oven Mitt is pretty much beyond me. But if for some reason there was no majority and the election got thrown to the House of Representatives, perhaps that would be a wake-up call to the nation that perhaps we should do a little tinkering with the way we do our electioning in this country because, you know, it doesn't make sense. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, the American people would be as confused as the U.S. Olympic track and field officials last summer and the media coverage would be more breathless and horrible than that time the Lord elected a new pope, and the Republican House would surely vote in Romney because he and John Boehner use the same self-tanner. At least in the Compromise of 1877, we got a sweet bearded president out of the whole deal.

But SRSLY, if Romney gets elected, I don't know what I'll do. I'm too poor/lazy to threaten to move to Canada or something and I'm already drunk all the time, so I guess I'll just have to be sad. Sad, sad, sad. Because I am an overeducated white lady, I will probably eventually be, like, fully employed and stuff, but not with Oven Mitt's help. Though my insurance won't cover birth control, so expect the Romney presidency to be the era where my mother's grandchildren-ful dreams come true and I have to become a stay-at-home mom anyway because money and institutional sexism. I can't wait for my be-Mitted future! Let us all pray really, really hard to the Sexy Gay Jesus for a miracle in the next couple of weeks. Polls are the worst. I hate polls.

In less depressing news, Ann Friedman has some sweet suggestions for low-key Halloween costumes over at the Hairpin. (I actually think the Endeavor one is quite clever.)

Semi-guiltily sleeping through the revolution*

Oh, hey guys. I've heard some rumors that some political things are happening in this country right now. I have heard that regular people dirty, jobless hippies who hate America have been taking to the streets to express their displeasure with the economic crisis and how the federal government spends all its time calling each other names and getting reelected instead of working on that whole crisis thing--but I guess that's only okay to do if you are conservative and carrying a gun. But whatever, we hear in Little Apathetic College Town, Ohio have an OCCUPY of our own! Can you believe that? And the fact that only 1/35 students had even heard of Occupy Wall Street three or four weeks in actually has driven me to attend more than one event! Yes, their apathy was so strong that it actually broke mine!

But unfortunately I am lazy and hate joining groups and making commitments and showing up places and doing things, so I haven't done much, but I have participated in more than one general assembly meeting! And they are so long and so full of kind, well-meaning people who think we should vote on how we will decide which decisions we should put up on Facebook and whatnot. Anyway, I am conflicted by guilt by not feeling inspired to do more.  Protest corporate banks downtown? But it's Friday, and I need a nap. Make the movement visible on campus on a Saturday morning? Did you say Saturday morning? Bitch, please.** Also: it is getting COLD. And I lived in Minnesota, I know winter, but I do not like winter. I consider winter something one must pass through hurriedly between heated buildings/drinking establishments. I do not consider winter something I need to sit in for a cause. I will never be that hardcore. (Re: that link- 21ST CENTURY TRENCH FOOT! That should be a band name.)

See, I feel solidarity with the Occupy movement in general because I went to hippie liberal arts college and I am poor. Our economic inequality is pretty extreme here in America and one of the main reasons I am considering abandoning an academic career is the severe lack of job or financial security in my future. This guy cleverly explains the situation. Assuming I decide to finish and get my degree, I will be part of a two-PhD couple competing for the same scant jobs. We're probably looking at years of trying to patch together a decent household income adjuncting. Adjunct instructors have no security (semester-to-semester contracts, no benefits, considered "part-time") and also get stuck with all the intro/required courses. I don't know if you guys know this, but the kids who are in these classes do not want to be there. Here is another fact: neither does the instructor.

So friends, I have now shared with you my conflicted feelings from my cozy warm couch. Now enjoy this ridiculous Herman Cain "Imagine" parody video I jacked from Wonkette:



FUN FACT: My first real job (post-paper route) was at a Godfather's Pizza.


*And not in a tent in a park or a brick courtyard or any of that shit.
**Sleep is far more important to me than political action, clearly.


UPDATE: I should also mention that I actually am quite busy during the week. I've got lesson plans and grading and hundreds of pages of reading and classes to go to and office hours to sit in and sleep sometimes when I'm not too anxious between assignment due dates. So, it's only, like, 53% laziness. It's when I DO have free time that I actually feel guilty about not getting out of my sleeping Burrow to protest shit.

William Henry Harrison: He Didn't Die of Hypothermia, People

You can thank Louis Daguerre for the existence of this photographic rendering. Gotta respect that schnozz, though. Big-nosers, unite!

There are probably a few things you know about William Henry Harrison.* They might be:

1. He refused to wear a coat during his inauguration and died of pneumonia a month later.
2. He was known as ol' "Tippecanoe" from his army days.
3. He was heavily invested in log cabin and hard cider society.

Well, my friends, I have done copious amounts of reading of the WHH Wikipedia entry and skimming a couple of others, and I am here to set the record straight about at least these three things:

1. Both of these facts are true, but medical science tells us that the first cannot have actually CAUSED the second.
2. This one is true. The name comes from the Battle of Tippecanoe against some Indians that launched Harrison to national fame. However, Harrison's federal forces only technically won--they were tactically outmaneuvered.
3. WHH was actually a richie richface who was not born in nor ever lived anywhere near a log cabin and who was so uncool that he claimed his brief foray into the distillery business had been a "sin" and led him to swear off alcohol forever.

These explanations and more on our William Henry Harrison journey below!

Willie was born to an aristocratic planter family in Virginia in 1773. He was the youngest of seven children and part of a great political dynasty. His father, Benjamin Harrison V (besides running a plantation) served in the Continenal Congress, signed the Declaration of Independence, and eventually became the Governor of Virginia.Wihenry was bounced around to various fancy schools, even studying medicine for awhile, but educational funds dried up when his father died in 1791. Of course, the youngest Harrison now had to prove he was his own man, so he joined the army. He was stationed in Cincinnati and fought in the "Battle for Ohio" AKA "expel the Indians from this sweet acreage we want to farm and shit." William Henry Harrison was basically really awesome at being disciplined in the army, so he got lots of promotions. He worked his way up to lieutenant and served as an aide-de-camp** and was even a signatory of the Northwest Indian War-ending Treaty of Greenville. Because of that treaty, my lucky little white grad student ass has an Ohio to live in and fund my education. Sorry, Native American tribes who lived here first!

When his mother died in 1793, William inherited some 3000 acres and a few slaves, all of which he sold off to one of his brothers because he was too busy soldiering for that nonsense. Two years later, he met Anna Symmes, the daughter of a disapproving judge, with whom he eloped and eventually had ten children. Though nine of the kids actually lived into adulthood, Anna spent the majority of her marriage to William sick in bed, you know, pregnant. Anna's father eventually came around and gave them some land in what is now North Bend, Ohio, where they had a bit of a farm. Soon Bill embarked upon his seemingly inevitable political career when he was appointed as the Secretary of the Northwest Territory, where he was basically the acting governor most of the time.

Over the years, Wee Willie built up his local reputation through a successful horse breedery (gross) and became popular for his outspoken support of lower land prices to spur more immigration into the Northwest Territory.*** In 1799, he became a delegate to the House of Representatives (contrary to popular belief, not actually housed in a log cabin) for the territory. Even without official voting rights, Harrison managed to push through the Harrison Land Act, which helped make land easier to purchase in small parcels and divided Ohio from the new Indiana Territory (which encompassed what is now Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin, and parts of Minnesota). President John Adams nominated Harrison to be the new territory's governor, so WHH moved his family to Vincennes (now in southwest Indiana) and built a plantation-type house called "Grouseland," which doesn't really sound like somewhere you'd want to visit (note: not a log cabin). Anyway, once Jefferson came to power, he gave Harrison the authority to negotiate Indian treaties. The future prez presided over thirteen different treaties that ceded over 60 million acres of native lands to the United States. For some reason, these transactions were fraught with tension. Especially the notorious Treaty of Fort Wayne, which basically involved the Miami tribe selling off land to the U.S. that didn't really belong to them to begin with and various briberies and getting-drunk-of the various native factions. That pissed some Indian persons off, for some reason. Oh, also, Harrison totally tried to open up the territory to slavery but infamous slave-raper Thomas Jefferson blocked his efforts, for some reason.

Fact: the uniform was added later to this 1800 portrait, after that whole "war hero" thing happened.

Anyway, that whole Fort Wayne thing kind of blew up in Harrison's face a little bit when Shawnee Indian Tecumseh and his prophet brother were like, "Um, no you cannot have all this land." So they rode over to Grouseland and basically threatened Harrison with war and tried to get the various tribal groups to give up their Europeanized ways and unite against the white settlers before it was too late. Which was, you know, actually a good idea. Anyway, tensions tensions tensions and eventually Tecumseh had his own war named after him and Harrison was all gung-ho about armying against Indians again and their forces clashed at the Battle of Tippecanoe. Though the U.S. forces won, Harrison found himself at odds with the Department of War, and the battle raised stakes with Britain, who were strategically allying themselves with many of the involved Indian tribes in an attempt to cut off U.S. territorial expansion. The Tippecanoe battle made Harrison a national hero of sorts and, of course, earned him his nickname. This fighting kind of blended into what became the War of 1812 against Britain, and Harrison spent his time fighting Indians in Indiana and led the construction and naming of Fort Meigs right here in my neck of the woods (I have somehow not yet visited this historical site. Note to self...). Anyway, Hairyson and Tecumseh faced off again at the Battle of the Thames, where Tecumseh was killed. Following these victories, the Department of War basically demoted him, and he resigned in a huff, though he played a key role in postwar treaties.

His soldiering days finally behind him, Harrison served in the House of Representatives for real this time for Ohio, which was now a state. Then he served in the state senate, then lost some other races, but in 1824 was elected to the U.S. Senate and was lovingly known as "Buckeye" to his Ohioan constituents during his term of office. He then served as the minister to Colombia, which he totally thought was a trashy country. But that's probably only because he was too uptight to try the cocaine (Amirite? Colombia? Cocaine? Comedy gold, people.). After his South American diplomatic stint, Hankison settled back into life on the North Bend farm, not really earning much money, except when people wanted to write books about his life and paid him for the rights. Did you know that there were twelve entire books written about this man even before he was elected president? People apparently love to read about dudes who kill and defraud Indians. For awhile, to earn cash, he opened a corn and whiskey distillery, but because getting drunk seemed like too much fun, Harrison closed it down and repented of his grave transgression.

WHH ran for president for the first time in 1836 as the northern Whig candidate. The party was trying to head off the seemingly inevitable election of Jackson protege and heavily-nicknamed Martin Van Buren by running several different candidates, attempting to divide up the electoral college votes and force the contest into the House of Representatives, where the Whigs hoped to gain a majority. Needless to say, this plan failed spectacularly (they didn't even take the House). Luckily for our friend Billy, Van Buren's term of office came to be typified by his reputation as "Van Ruin," having presided over the disastrous economic Panic of 1837. So, Harrison decided to run again in 1840, this time with the Whigs united behind him. He ran on his heroic military record and played up his tough guy frontier reputation. His campaign touted log cabins and hard cider, which as we have seen, was pretty much the opposite of reality. He basically pulled a G.W. Bush, posing as a Jacksonian "common man" type, despite being born into a political dynasty with that old silver spoon in his mouth (I'm surprised more rich babies don't have gag reflex issues because of that). Here's a classic campaign song:

Old Tip he wore a homespun coat, he had no ruffled shirt-wirt-wirt,
But Matt he has the golden plate, and he's a little squirt-wirt-wirt!

Apparently "wirt-wirt" was the tobacco-spitting cue. Gross. Anyway, Harrison beat Van Buren in an electoral college landslide. Probably because of the tobacco song.

The only accurate thing about this campaign poster is WHH hanging out with military dudes. But SRSLY, anxious masculinity much?

March 4, 1841 was the day of Harrison's infamous inauguration. It was rainy, cold, and windy, but to keep up his old "Tippecanoe" rugged manly man image, he refused to wear a coat or a hat. He spoke for over two hours and then walked around in a parade. He did not immediately fall ill, however. As soon as he got into office, the man spent the vast majority of his time fighting off eager office-seekers and trying to convince influential Whig Henry Clay that he was not actually the co-president. On March 26 (NOTICE: three weeks AFTER the inauguration), Harrison got sick with a cold, which eventually turned into pneumonia. Unable to rid himself of the parade of spoils seekers, the president did not take off the appropriate time to get well. He basically got no rest, and even though doctors treated him with opium (awesome!), he never did recover. On April 4, 1841, William Henry Harrison died of pneumonia, jaundice (yellow!), and  septicemia (some sort of vaguely-defined blood inflammatory something or rather). His presidential reign lasted only 31 days. He was buried in Ohio while the executive branch of the government was thrown into a bit of a constitutional crisis with the ascendancy of Vice President Tyler, Too. Besides holding the record for the shortest term in office, Harrison was the first president to be photographed (as seen up top). Also, he has his own curse. Way to be so sickly, William Henry Harrison. At least your political legacy was carried on by your illustrious grandson and 23rd U.S. President Benjamin Harrison!


*If you are reading my blog I'm assuming you're at least a part-time history nerd and thus at least know he is a former U.S. president.
**Assistant to some fancy brass.
***Can you imagine anyone today trying to ENHANCE immigration?

Lauren tells Ohioans how to vote

Hello, fellow Wood County, Ohio residents! I have decided to go ahead and fulfill my civic duty and vote on the various state and local measures on the ballot tomorrow. I look at the various issues and tell you how should vote.

State Issues
STATE ISSUE 1: Proposed Constitutional Amendment to Authorize the State to Issue Bonds to Provide Compensation to Veterans of the Persian Gulf, Afghanistan, and Iraq Conflicts. HOW TO VOTE: Yes. Duh. Veterans should get monies. What with having to fight in stupid wars all the time and whatnot.

STATE ISSUE 2: Proposed Constitutional Amendment to Create the Ohio Livestock Care Standards Board to Establish and Implement Standards of Care for Livestock and Poultry. HOW TO VOTE: No. I don't really know much about it, but something that's supposedly meant to help animals, but is opposed by the Humane Society probably has some issues. Just say no.

STATE ISSUE 3: Proposed Constitutional Amendment to Amend the Constitution to Allow for One Casino Each In Cincinnati, Cleveland,Columbus, and Toledo and Distribute to All Ohio Counties A Tax on the Casinos. HOW TO VOTE: Yes. Casinos are awesome. Also, the incredulous cops and former Secretaries of the Treasury in the pro-Issue 3 commercials are awesome. Though the anti- "The devil is in the details" one is pretty awesome too. No matter. UPDATE: Mind changed. Voting no. Just remembered how the fine city of Toledo and interstate highway-heavy northern Ohio in general is super conducive to human trafficking. I'm not sure throwing casinos into the mix would be a step in the right direction. Also, I've decided to support only Indian-owned gaming centers, because it's the least we could fucking do for them, amirite?

Local issues:
CANDIDATES BOWLING GREEN CITY COUNCIL: 1ST WARD COUNCIL Mark Hollenbaugh (R) Jacob H. Redfern (D) Apparently Jacob Redfern is the dude who woke me up one morning recently, pacing past my back window, discussing local politics on the phone for like 45 minutes. I wanted to yell at him, but I was too lazy to sit up in bed and open the window. But I guess I'll vote for a Democrat who lives in my building anyway.

CANDIDATES FOR BOWLING GREEN SCHOOL DISTRICT BOARD: Bruce Jeffers Eric Myers Ellen Scholl I have chosen Ellen Scholl. First of all, her last name is similar to "school," also she has kids in school and even knows about "sexting." Also, she is a lady and has a music degree, both of which I support. Ladiness and music.

OFFICIAL QUESTIONS AND ISSUES BALLOT WOOD CTY (BOWLING GREEN): Bowling Green Proposed Income Tax Yes. I love taxes. Especially since I will probably have to pay about $.50 next year. Tragically it is not a school levy, but city functioning costs will have to do for this socialization-hungry menace (me). Info obtained from the local League of Women Voters.

Warren G. Harding: Kind of unimpressive house, in all honesty

See! We were there.

Dear readers, I went to class tonight! History! U.S. history class! Hooray! I just wanted to let you know that though I have been MIA due to not having to work for an entire week and being in an allergy/ineffective but drowsiness-causing allergy drug coma, I am BACK. Or whatever. Here's a post. The I-Man and I went to my third Ohioan presidential historical site, the Harding Home in Marion, Ohio. As a refresher, you may want to visit my write-up from many moons ago on the man himself: Warren G. Harding: Tragically being stripped of his "Worst President Ever" title by the current administration (this is from April '08, natch). Tragically, the Harding Home is underfunded, so they have very short hours. We went in on the Saturday afternoon window and received a tour from a kind middle-aged lady who obviously works with a lot of groups of schoolchildren. I love going to historical sites and looking at the demographics: old people, old people with small children, middle-aged people with children, and us. Anyhow, here is some photographic evidence that we went:

I start my own front porch campaign. Paid for with dirty, dirty local newspaper moneys.

Apparently this is my one pose. Did you know WG Harding was the first president to do the Inaugural Parade thingy in an automobile? And also to have a radio in the White House and to be on the radio? Well, you do now. The Hardings were into dogs and horses and shit. Laddie Boy was very popular during Warren G's term and a stuffed dog toy was modeled after the First Pooch. Move over teddy bears, amirite?

Then we went to the Harding Memorial/tombplace. It was pretty fancy for a guy who only served 29 months as president and is pretty widely regarded as a crappy leader. Also, it was under construction.

HARD HAT AREA.

See? Big. Palatial, one might say.

We guessed that Warren's tomb was on the left with the manly eagle feathers or whatever and his wife had the girly flowers.

Can't get enough of that Garfield

A fine visual reenactment of the Great Garfield Statue Beheading of 2009: On a related note, I'm still not sure if Garfield Minus Garfield is hilarious or just incredibly existentially distressing.

James A. Garfield Extravangza Part 2: wordz n pix

Here are some extraneous facts that did not make the final cut of the video and some pictures of our tour of the James A. Garfield National Historic Site in Mentor, Ohio. A super-sassy volunteer old lady gave us a kickass tour of the house. Highly recommended, but no sweet gift shop like the one at the Grant House. (frowny face) We drove there in torrential downpours and also BTW Cleveland is ugly. FACT: The Garfield museum featured a large mural comparing Lincoln and Garfield. They were both born in log cabins, see? Also, bearded. And assassinated. And the biographical video we watched suggested that the American public was more distraught when Garfield died than when Lincoln died and that Garfield was pretty much awesomer than Lincoln except for that he died too soon for us to find out. I find this hard to believe. I mean, Garfield was like a genius or whatever and had a better beard, but we're talking SAINT ABRAHAM "FREED THE SLAVES" LINCOLN here. Blasphemy, people.

Me & Ka$h reliving the magic of the 1880 front-porch campaign.

FACT: Part of the reason James and Lucretia bought their house at Lawnfield was because James thought his five sons were getting too soft living in DC or whatever and should have the experience of manly farm life like he did in his log-cabinning childhood.

Yes! We are here! See? Look at the sign! And the rain!

FACT: JAG is the only person to ever be elected to the office of the President directly from the House of Representatives.

This blurry photo of the I-Man features the sweet window in the crazy awesome library which had a crazy (like, actually crazy) concrete and iron vault that Crete had built to store Garfield documents and such. Technically this was the first presidential library, but it wasn't open to the public until after the Garfield family stopped living in the home in the 1930s. So Grant still wins.

FACT: In 1886, the U.S. Mint issued a $20 gold certificate featuring Garfield's face.

Awesome windmill Crete had put in in the early 1900s to pump water into the house. Genius!

FACT: An old sandstone statue of Pres. Garfield was donated to his alma mater Hiram College earlier this year, but was mysteriously decapitated in the night after being officially dedicated! The head and the beheader are still at large.

Garfield Extravanza Part 1: Audio/Visual Edition

So I finally finished my James A. Garfield vlog after having visited the national historic site and whatnot, like a few weeks ago. So hooray! Notes on the music: Some awesome French dude is blogging on the seminal Anthology of American Folk Music and conveniently gathered a bunch of versions of the "Charles Guiteau" song that you can download at The Old, Weird America. My favorite has to be the rockin' cover I used over the credits by random Dutch musician Meindert Talma and his totally unproblematically-named backup band, The Negroes. I couldn't find an mp3 of it, but you should watch this fine performance by Johnny Cash of "Mr. Garfield": I am so grateful that other people in this world love to take the mythology of our American Preznits and make pretty songs and blogs and pictures and whatnot. Hooray for historical nerdery!

"Big Lub" Taft: "Presidency? Meh."

Taft on a water buffalo in the Philippines. OMG ridic.

William Howard Taft was born in 1857 in Cincinnati (visit to Taft childhood home a must-do sometime while I live in Ohio). His father Alphonso not only had an awesome name, but also served as Secretary of War under U.S. Grant. The future President and Chief Justice was raised as a Unitarian, like some of my best friends (go fig), and was never really that into Jesus. It is interesting that he was able to be elected in this country, but I guess he had Teddy's endorsement/it was 100 years ago. Eventually, he went to fancy Yale, just like Rory Gilmore, and was was in Skull & Bones, which his father Alphonso had helped found in the 1930s. He was also in some frats and shit. Throughout his life, he was a member of various of fraternal/secret organizations. How patriarchal! In college, Taft's pals called him either "Big Lub" or "Old Bill." After graduation, he went to law school in Cincinnati, passed the Ohio bar, and became a lawyer and later a judge in the state of Ohio. During this time, he married his longtime sweetheart Helen, with whom he eventually had three children. William McKinley, the U.S. President most concerned with our "little brown brothers" in the Philippines, appointed Taft to be the first civilian Governor-General of the newly acquired colony of the Philippines. Apparently he was very popular. But what Taft really wanted to do was direct be the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He had to turn down hist first SCOTUS offer, though, because he didn't feel his job was done in the South Pacific. You know how hard it is for brown people to self-rule. Taft later served as Secretary of War under our other favorite mustachioed president, Teddy Roosevelt, who became his political mentor. He did something in Japan during this time, also in Cuba, and helped supervise the beginning of the Panama Canal. Some shit went down involving career criminal Carl Panzram who later broke into Taft's house (post-presidency), stole a gun, and then killed a bunch of people with it. Totally getting that guy's autobio from the library! Anyhow, Teddy pretty much orchestrated Taft's 1908 electoral win against perpetual loser William Jennings Bryan by co-opting progressive political rhetoric. During his presidency, Big Lub managed to alienate everybody, especially through his ballsy antitrust activities. He also supported the passage of the 16th Amendment (income tax!) as well as the 17th (direct election of Senators!). Taft believed in "Dollar Diplomacy," which is classic Republicanism--investing in developing countries, esp. in Latin America (pavin' the way for Milton Friedmanites boo hiss). He believed in arbitration and world peace, but got tangled up in some shit in Nicaragua. Fucking Nicaragua. During his term of office, he had the opportunity to appoint six Supreme Court Justices (future colleagues?!). And also New Mexico and Arizona were admitted to the Union. In 1912, Teddy Roosevelt was real pissed about how Taft supposedly betrayed his legacy. He and another guy tried to wrest the Republican Party from Taft, but ultimately failed. Sr. Theodore formed his own Progressive/Bull Moose/Manly Man Party, dividing the Republicans, and they all lost to Woodrow Wilson.

Please Google image search "taft golf." Just do it. Trust me.

After he lost the election, Taft taught at Yale Law for a bit and spent a lot of time writing legal philosophy and agitating for peace. He was finally appointed to his dream job of Chief Justice of the Supreme Court by Warren G. And the 'Pedia tells us that he then said, "I do not remember that I was ever President." He helped shape the judiciary as we know it today by helping them choose their own docket and have their own building. So, good for that guy. A few last things: -Probs had sleep apnea just like my friend G-Funk. -Descendants are active in politics. -Apparently owned a cow named Mooley who became the White House pet. -He may or may not have gotten stuck in a bathtub in the WH. Let us consult these 15 year-old experts from YouTube on their opinions (awesome!):

Special Presidential Double Feature: I Go to the Hayes Presidential Center

Me and the man himself.

Kids! I spent Tuesday afternoon at the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center. Located on the family estate, Spiegel Grove in Fremont, Ohio, this was the first presidential library. Isaac and I drove out and checked out the Hayes Home, as well as the museum. The place was staffed by incredibly friendly and knowledgeable retired folks. We took pictures!

At the tomb.

The carriage entrance to the (gigantic) home.

The most interesting things in the museum were: awesome campaign sheet music, one of Fanny Hayes' luxurious dollhouses, the ice skates the president's older brother Lorenzo was wearing when he fell through the ice on a river and drowned at age ten, and pictures of the very attractive Rutherford P. Hayes (Google is not cooperative right now). Oh, also, the Prez was an Odd Fellow.

Ugly chair of death.

Education is fun!

P.S. I bought a First Ladies coloring book at the gift shop, which I am sure will supply me with many hours of subversive fun!

Rutherford B. Hayes: Uncontroversial Man Elected Controversially

Sexy pre-beard days.

Rutherford Birchard Hayes, our nation's nineteenth (and possibly most sketchily elected) president, was born in 1822 in Ohio. His father died of typhus before little Ruddy was born, and the family was taken care of by mother Sophia's brother, Sardis Birchard, a well-to-do Ohio merchant. Uncle Sardis made sure Rutherford and his beloved sister Fanny were well taken care of. He insisted Rutherford go to school, and eventually the future president graduated from Kenyon College, becoming an honorary Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity brother. After graduating from Harvard Law School in 1845, Rutherford passed the bar and began practicing law in Ohio. He moved to Cincinnati (for all the hot legal action), and eventually met and married Lucy Webb in 1856. She was apparently awesome and actually, like, went to college and whatnot.

 When the Civil War broke out, anti-slavery Hayes decided to form a military company with some of his literary club friends from Cincinnati. This is when he began growing his awesome beard. He became a major in the army, and rose up the ranks to a brevetted major general (whatever that is) by the end of the war. He loved his enlisted men, and they served largely in West Virginia. Under his command was another future president, our dear friend William McKinley. Lucy and her young children would come camp with Rutherford and his troops as often as possible. She was known to "mother" the soldiers and helped tend to injuries, illness, and performed various womanly duties like sewing and having her babies die. Hayes was injured several times during the war, but always returned to his post. According to the 'pedia, he had four horses shot out from under him during military action. Talk about scary. Fucking horses. They should have used motorcycles instead. The Ohio Republican Party nominated him for Congress in 1864, and though refusing to leave the battlefield to campaign, he won and served in the House of Representatives after the war ended. Later he served a few terms as Ohio's governor.

Always with the hand in the coat.
Maybe he had some extra fingers.

He was drafted as a dark horse candidate in the 1876 presidential election and as he was basically inoffensive, eventually become the default nominee. His VP, William A. Wheeler, became a good friend and Hayes kept a large portrait of him hanging in his home after retirement. He was to run in the general against Bourbon Democrat Samuel Tilden. Tragically, Bourbon Democrats were conservatives, and were not actually running a Kentucky whiskey cartel. In an election full of disenfranchisement and widespread voter irregularities (especially in the South), Tilden won the popular vote, but since electoral college votes were contested in a number of states, Tilden was one short for the win-win. Congress set up a somewhat sketchy Electoral Commission to determine the winner (better or worse than the Supreme Court?). In the Compromise of 1877, Democrats agreed to hand the contested votes to Hayes to win by one in the electoral college if he would promise to end Reconstruction in the South and put at least one southerner in his cabinet. Needless to say, it was controversial. Hayes took the oath of office secretly in the White House the day before the public inauguration because of fears of Democratic sabotage.

As president, Hayes tried somewhat but mostly failed to protect black civil rights in the South. He called out federal troops during the Great Railroad Strike of 1877. That was kind of an unpopular move; killing striking workers and whatnot. Hayes had set out to only serve one term, and held to his promise. After his term ended in 1881, the Hayeses moved into the house at Spiegel Grove in what is now Fremont, OH that Uncle Sardis had built and that they had expanded on. Lucy and Rutherford had three sons who lived to adulthood and one favored daughter, Fanny, named for the president's sister. As an ex-president Hayes served as a trustee to the Ohio State University and continued to work for social justice movements until his death from heart attack complications in 1893. Oh, and unlike his drunky-drunk predecessor Grant, Hayes didn't allow any booze or card-playing or fun at all in the White House.

A Prayer to the Ohio Gods of Electronic Voting*

Dear Ohio Diebold Early Voting Machine and the Powers that Control It: I waited for 1.5 hours to stick my plastic card in you and push some buttons on a screen to vote for Barack Obama and a bunch of Ohioans I've never heard of. It would be nice if you would go ahead and not be a dick and count my vote. I know you get your rocks off of disenfranchising, but I am WHITE.** But seriously. I'd really like it if we could try not to fuck this one up. You seemed like you were working as I printed the separate pages into the machine or whatever, but I just can't be sure. The only way I won't be mad at you for not counting my vote is if Dennis Kucinich somehow ends up being elected President of Ohio. He is adorable and elf-like. Am I right or am I right, Diebold Machine? Love and shots of patriotic liquids, Lauren *No offense, Sexy Gay Jesus. You know I love you. Also, my friend Cynthia totally said your name instead of "god" during the Pledge of Allegiance at the Biden rally, which, you'll have to admit, is pretty awesome. And most definitely a first. **Just kidding! People of all races and ethnicities should be at equal risk for disenfranchisement.

Ulysses S. Grant: America's Greekest* General-President

I've got a lot of respect for a guy who was a lifelong adherent of rocking the three-piece-suit + beard combo. Doesn't he look dreamy in his Union officer uniform?

Ulysses S. Grant was actually named Hiram Ulysses Grant, but some douchebag wrote his name wrong while nominating him to West Point, and the military insisted that he now be officially known as that. Lyss (as he was called as a child) was born in a log cabin in Ohio. He fought under future prez Zachary Taylor in the Mexican-American War, in which Grant showed heroism, but later he was like, "Yeah, that was kind of an unjust war. Too bad we did that. Also, slavery: not really that cool." At some point, Grant was married to a Julia Boggs and they had kids with silly names like "Buck," "Nellie," "Jesse," and "Fred," which maybe aren't all that silly, but taken together sound like they could be some of the Dukes cousins or something. But anyway, Grant was assigned for a while to (dum-dah-dum-DAH!) Fort Vancouver AKA the biggest thing in my hometown/destination of many a school field trip growing up. He couldn't support his family out west, though, so he just hung out and got drunk. Some say that's why he suddenly resigned from the army in 1854 (he got in trouble), others say it was depression. I say, are these two mutually exclusive? Hello! (points to self)

He moved to Missouri to work on his in-laws' farm. They had slaves. That made him feel pretty awkward, and he was not a very good farmer to boot. Then the Civil War happened. Grant re-joined the army and took on the recruitment and training of volunteers. He led some troops, gained the nickname "Unconditional Surrender," and started getting sent cigars by adoring fans. Apparently he had an amazing grasp of militiary strategery, and helped turn the war in the Union's favor. President Lincoln promoted him, like, a bunch of times until he became the General-in-Chief, which is like an Editor-in-Chief, but with more killing. Blahblahblah lots of bloody battles, eventually Robert E. Lee surrendered to Grant and hooray! the war ended (a few weeks later once everybody finally got word to stop fighting). Unfortunately, Grant's biggest fan, Lincoln, was assassinated (SPOILER!), but Grant served as one of his pallbearers. He didn't get on too well with default-President Johnson, and was chosen as the Republican nominee for President in 1868. Apparently he appealed to veterans--can you say, "Waving the bloody shirt?"

As the youngest President to that date (age 46), he did his best with the whole "Reconstruction" thing, trying to secure blacks' civil rights and such. He also made Christmas a national holiday. THX for legitimizing Jesus' birthday, U.S., BTW. Re-elected in 1872, Grant did an okay job as President, but there was a bit of a currency crisis during his presidency, and lots and lots of scandals. Grant also helped push the whole Gilded Age spoils system (James A. Garfield has so many people to thank!). After going on a post-presidency world tour with his wife, he lost the nomination to Garfield in an attempt at a third term (serves him right for being greedy, eh?) in 1880. Then he went bankrupt. Then he got throat cancer.** Luckily, Mark Twain (with whom he apparently shared a love of Old Crow bourbon) offered to pay him $$$ for his memoirs, which are supposed to be really good. Then he died in 1885 of that whole cancer thing. Luckily we keep his memory in our hearts by naming lots of streets after him and putting him on the under-used $50 bill. Oh, and supposedly he was tone deaf.*** U.S. Grant: giving alcoholics everywhere a reason to dream.

  *Grant was not Greek. His parents were both of English descent. Apparently they were just creative with his middle name. 
 **Goddamn cigars. 
 ***See Wikipedia for this and every other fact contained in this post.