Ghost hunting and picnicking and money!

Have you ever thought, "I would love to pay for the pleasure of Lauren's company and at the same time support local theater"? HERE'S YOUR CHANCE! My improv home, HUGE Theater, is conducting their annual fundraising hangout auction. The stuff you can bid on is LITRALLY hanging out with improv people WHAT. All you need is an eBay account, which I know you use mostly for trying to find obscure Saved by the Bell memorabilia. So this time use it to help somebody for once in your goddamn life, okay? I've got two horses in this race to enjoyment:

Will we meet a transparent nightgown lady?
MAYBE!

Ghost Hunting Adventure with Sally Foster & Lauren Chesnut! Guys, you know how I'm obsessed with ghost shows? Now's your chance to see me doing my best GhostBro impression. I've insisted on being billed as a "paranormal scholar," but Sally's actual done ghost hunting before and will bring equipment and it's going to be creepy fun! For up to five people.

Snack time with Snack Time! Just what it sounds like. You and up to two companions can join Minneapolis' premier snack food-based improv cult on a picnic. We are fun! And loud! And will bring piles and piles of snacks!

Here's all the items for sale. All auctions close Tuesday, April 14 at 10:59 p.m., so get your bids in. It should go without saying, but you have to be in the Twin Cities to collect on your hangout if you win.

If these auctions are too rich for your blood and/or you don't live in Minnesota and thus have to be denied the presence of our charms, you can always benefit HUGE by buying whatever shit you were going to buy anyway on Amazon by using smile.amazon.com and selecting "HUGE Improv Theater" as your charity. It costs you nothing extra, but Amazon will kick a little change in our direction.

And here's a reminder that my group Trust Pit is performing our original form The Reconstruction (not this Reconstruction) at 8:00 p.m. Fridays through the end of the month. Tickets!

You guys are the best. I mean that. I really hope we can buy a new rug for the green room. Now get bidding!

Important Competitive Improvising News

GUYS. My fabulous improv trio Useful Knots has made it into the finals of the Minneapolis Troika Madness tournament! Look at how cute and useful we can be:



We're competing against another new trio called Flowers for Megatron. Some people in the rope community have some questions about their origins. It's worth looking into:



Anyway, we face off after a wild card match this Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. at HUGE Theater. $7 ONLY! If you come, you get to help decide the winner. Use your suffrage rights wisely. There's an actual TROPHY involved. Troika tickets.

Additionally, my group Trust Pit continues to perform our brand-new form, The Reconstruction, at 8:00 p.m. Fridays at HUGE. We double feature with MURMUR!--last year's Troika champions, who play at 9:30. $12 presale. Trust Pit/MURMUR! tickets.

Lauren Tells You How to Vote 2014!

Oh hey guys, tomorrow's Election Day. There are few things in this world I take seriously. These include the emotional roller coasters of Korean dramas, caffeine, high quality kleenex, and participatory democracy. GUYS, WE CAN VOTE AND IT WILL PROBABLY COUNT. This is, like, a big deal and hating all the candidates is not a valid excuse for opting out. People are terrible but people (remember, corporations also = people) run this country, so you should express a goddamn opinion for once in your life. Even if you think your one little vote cannot possibly make a difference, go cast it anyway. This is AMERICA and our laws and representatives should not be the result of 300 million people saying, "I dunno, who do you wanna vote for?" back and forth.

If you are like, "But I forgot to/never felt like registering to vote" THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE IN THE LIBERAL UTOPIA OF MINNESOTA. Minnesota has same-day voter registration. The requirements are easy, you need an ID and proof of address or another registered voter willing to vouch for your name and place of residence. Here is an easy link to find out your polling place. Those are the practical questions answered about how/where to vote. If you don't live in Minnesota, look up your state's Secretary of State's website and there should be a section on voter information. Another option nationwide is the League of Women Voters' Vote411 site, which provides non-partisan info on registration, polling places, and actual voters' guides. You have no excuses. I was just having some trouble with the state's website, so I'm using my local Ramsey County Elections page to get a personalized sample ballot.

They give a sticker to lord your responsible citizenship over other people with. It's great!

Now I will provide you with my personal voting guide since you are probably still too lazy to do any research and this forces me to do so. (TL; DR vote for all the Democrats)

US Senate- Al Franken (DFL)
Duh. He's the nation's most adorable, hard-working, clever, and did I mention adorable? senator. Let's not let this one be so close, guys. Al Franken: he will take you to the doctor to take out your stitches and also make sure you've got affordable insurance. I've given that guy, like $50 or something and I don't even have a job.

US House District 4- Betty McCollum (DFL)
Vote Betty! She is a badass lady protecting ladyrights all over the place.

Governor and Lt. Governor- Mark Dayton and Tina Smith (DFL)

Attorney General- Lori Swanson (DFL)

Secretary of State- Steve Simon (DFL)
He is the most generic white man you've ever seen, but he promises to protect Minnesota's progressive voting laws and recommends not voting for people who don't want people to be able to vote. I think that's pretty good advice.

State Auditor- Rebecca Otto (DFL)

State House District 64A- Erin Murphy (DFL)
She's the House Majority leader and the MN House has kind of been killing it lately, so let's keep riding that train.

Ramsey County Commissioner District 4- Toni Carter
She's unopposed, but vote for her anyway because she seems pretty cool. She and her son, another local politician, spoke together at the Franken GOTV event I went to a few weeks ago (Oh, Hillary Clinton was there too, NBD.) and they were adorable and they should run for Pres/VP on a Carter/Carter ticket.

County Sheriff- Matt Bostrom

County Attorney- John J. Choi

Conservation District Supervisor District 1- Paul Gardner

Conservation District Supervisor District 4- Carrie Wasley

State Supreme Court Associate Justice 2- Mimi Wright
Her opponent is named "John Hancock" (sure) and has been working as a special agent for the DHS. That makes me nervous for some reason.

State Supreme Court Associate Justice 3- David Lillehaug

Court of Appeals and 2nd District Court judges all running unopposed- vote or don't vote for them I don't care, I'm not finding easy info on these races or candidates.

No ballot measures.

GO VOTE TOMORROW, YOU ASSHOLES. If you don't, a bald eagle will cry. Majestically, sure, but you still don't want that.

Energy Drink Review: Super Shock Citrus

Let me tell you what I appreciate about the Super Shock products: they're no-frills. There are no flashy graphics or ad copy or design sense on the cans that are trying to convince you to pick SS* Super Shock over those "brands that you've heard of." And they were 2/$2.50 at the SA today, so pretty much I was required to buy one reg and one citrus flavored one on the cheap. Let's give the citrus version a try!

It's the middle one. But SRSLY, a good deal through June 30.

I'm trying to see if there's a website or something, but the can does not give me many clues. The Super Shock drinks are manufactured by a company called Monarch Custom Beverages from Canton, Georgia. They make private label bevs and their website is not really that informative. No info on Super Shock, but their main bottling plant is in MN, so that makes sense. Apparently the manufacture is "under the authority" of Norther Tier Retail LLC, which I also tracked down. Perhaps it would seem like Northern Tier Energy is just a big energy drink company, but you would be wrong about that assumption! Nope, they do stuff with, like, ENERGY, like refining crude oil here in Minnesota! They also own all of the SuperAmerica convenience stores in MN and WI. (SuperAmerica is used to be the upper-Midwest version of Speedway, BTWs. Freaked me out when I moved to Ohio and the theme song ended slightly differently.) So Super Shock is like the SA store brand energy drink. And you don't make websites for that crap.

FLAVOR: I suppose it is kind of citrus-y. It's pretty heavy on the energy/chemical aftertaste, but I don't mind that. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR, PEOPLE! It does not taste that good, but I since I enjoy ingesting noxious chemical cocktails, I don't care too much. If you're the kind who cares about "flavor," probably not a great choice.

EFFECTIVENESS: I'm about 60% of the way through, and I'm definitely perking up. I'm not going to lie, I also dig doing internet research about which company owns which. I get all jazzed up. Somebody hire me to do research for them, PLZ. But anyway, I drank the whole thing and have a decent caffeine buzz going. So definitely high on the efficacy scale. Here, let me make an energy drink efficacy scale in MSPaint.

It took me a couple of hours and I had to use like, math and grid lines, but here 'tis:

OVERALL: I would highly recommend this cheap-ass SA energy drink. It doesn't exactly taste good, but it got me up to Max Velocity-levels of random MSPaint art inspiration.


*Note to self, do not abbreviate this product that way. We've got Nazis in Minnesota, after all. TOO SOON.

Lauren's Super-Special St. Paul Voting Guide

Guys, it's been a long time since I last told you how to vote. But since this is kind of an important election and I am pumped to be back in Minnesota in a Democratic-heavy area, I'm a-gonna make sure you know how you should vote. If you live in my area. But SRSLY, there is an Obama campaign office a couple blocks down the street, and I have been GOTV canvassed multiple times by nice middle-aged white ladies. I feel good about making their jobs a bit easier by answering the door and agreeing with them and taking their election reminder materials. But anyway, here's my very own voter guide for all my neighbors, starting with the most important and exciting races:

Judicial Branch
The Minnesota Second Judicial District Court (Ramsey County). There are a total of 29 judges in our district, and eleven seats are up for election this year. Each of these eleven judges is running unopposed. Unless you have some personal beef against one of them or a hilarious write-in candidate, you should probably just vote for them all.

The Minnesota Court of Appeals. Judges Jill Flaskamp Halbrooks and Renee L. Worke are running for reelection. Both are unopposed. This should not be a difficult decision.

The Minnesota Supreme Court. Chief Justice Lorie "Super-Scandinavian Maiden Name" Gildea is running for reelection. She seems like a good choice to me since the guy she's running against, Dan Griffith, has lots of feelings about individual rights and says that "Ayn Rand was right" on the front page of his campaign website. So he is clearly a douche. Do not vote for him.

Associate Justice Barry Anderson is running for reelection. He seems largely inoffensive, plus he's a national judge for the We the People competition, which we totally had to do as part of our AP Government class in high school. His opponent is Dean Barkley, whose biggest claims to political fame appear to involve taking part in Jesse Ventura's gubernatorial administration and serving as a interim U.S. senator for several weeks following the death of Paul Wellstone in 2002.  Barkley may or may not be a drunk who enjoys hot tub snorkeling.

Associate Justice David Stras is also running for reelection. His opponent Tim "Fear God" Tingelstad is really committed to spreading the "Light of [God's] Truth" through judgments or something. If Justice Stras has strong feelings about Jesus, he has tactfully refrained from crowing about them on his campaign website, so he clearly wins my vote.

School District
School District Question #1 ("Strong Schools, Strong Communities Referendum"). Vote yes to renew the school levy. I don't really pay property taxes, so I don't care if they go up, but if I did, I would vote yes anyway. FOR THE CHILDREN.

Ramsey Conservation District
Three Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor positions are up for election this year. Each seat is voted on at-large in Ramsey County, but the candidates must live within the district they are running to supervise. I'm going to vote for all the incumbents running: Gwen Willems (District 2), Mara Humphrey (District 3, unopposed), and Margaret Behrens (District 5).

State Constitutional Amendments
Now we're getting to the good stuff (sorry, MN Supreme Court).

Proposed Amendment 1 would super-double-emphasize that only one dude and one lady are allowed to marry each other in Minnesota (it's already the law). Vote NO, duh. The amendment is homophobic. The Sexy Gay Jesus will quit speaking to you if you support this amendment.

Proposed Amendment 2 would require state-issued photo identification to vote in Minnesota. Minnesota is currently one of the easiest states to vote in, same-day registration is allowed if somebody already registered in your district vouches for you (especially important for college students, who have out-of-state permanent addresses, and/or people who have recently relocated), and is the national leader in voter turnout. Voter ID laws disproportionately affect youth, the elderly, the poor, and people of color. Don't let anyone tell you that this is about preventing "voter fraud," which is basically nonexistent in the U.S. Requiring the acquisition of photo ID to vote constitutes a poll tax; this is illegal and unconstitutional. Vote NO. Obvs. Otherwise the Democracy Fairy will cry.

State Legislature
State Representative Rena Moran for District 65A is running for reelection as the DFL (Democratic-Farmer-Labor) candidate. DFL State Senator Sandy Pappas is also running for reelection in Senate District 65. Vote for both of them.

Federal Office
Badass U.S. Representative Betty McCollum (DFL) is running for reelection in Congressional District 4. There is something wrong with you if you do not vote for her. Also, you hate women. The also awesome U.S. Senator Amy Klobuchar (DFL) is running for reelection. If you don't vote for her, you probably have no heart. So many fabulous Minnesotan lady candidates! Do not pay attention to this one.

While we'd all love to vote for Green Party candidate Jill Stein, since we actually agree with her, we have a two-party winner-takes-all system.* Because I fear an Oven Mitt Romney presidency far more than I fear living with Barack Obama's moderate views, I will vote to reelect the President.** Also, he is great with kids. Just think what he could do with a Democratic Congress!

Consult your local League of Women Voters website. Go the fuck to the polls tomorrow, if you haven't voted already. And especially if you live in Ohio.

Love,
Lauren

P.S. Ann Friedman has gotten together some silly gifs to remind you of the best parts of this election season.

*Go watch this video about how a two-party system is an inevitable result of our political structure.
**You're welcome for that $25 dollars I have donated to you over the course of the campaign. That's only like a 99.98% failure rate for your fundraising emails. 

Oh hey, I finished that thing

That thing being course work for my PhD. While there are many, many things yet to be done (exams, proposal, dissertation, defense, etc.), this is a glorious milestone. I am kind of not sure how I managed to get through this last school year without failing everything and/or having a complete meltdown while teaching because nobody did the reading AGAIN. But you guys, I don't have to take classes anymore and I don't have to be a teacher anymore. This is exciting! And I don't know if you know this, but I'm planning to follow my dreams. My dreams involve being able to display both a doctorate of philosophy and an Emmy Award for my fabulous television comedy writing on a mantle that will apparently be devoted solely to my achievements. Isaac can put a small trophy up there too, I guess.

I'm getting out of academia, friends. The job market is TERRIBLE* and I have found through the experience of teaching that I do not particularly enjoy the experience of teaching. So why would I work my ass off for a shitty, underpaid and insecure position doing something I don't really like anyway? That is why I'm getting out. I still want the doctoral bragging rights, to be sure, and since I plan to write, writing a dissertation would basically be, like, a good first book project, amirite? And since my dissertation is sure to be something American culturey/history-y/morbid-y, I think that will point me on a good path to becoming the next Sarah Vowell. This is obviously when I'm not busy producing hilarious and awesome videos and working on becoming the next Amy Poehler. Though I should say that despite lacking any drag queen qualifications, I would make an exception to the academia rule by accepting an adjunct position at RuPaul's Drag U.

It would be like this, like, all the time.

So team Laurac (Lauren & Isaac) is preparing for a move (back) to ye olde Twin Cities in Minnesota. We are seeking out real-people jobs and a home where we can store all of our books and DVDs and a stuffed woolly mammoth and two full-size couches for optimal cuddling and lounging purposes. We have dreams that one of us will get a job with health insurance (!) and that we can start paying down some of the credit card debt accrued during grad school. I plan to stay a full-time student technically so we don't have to start paying off all my loans (somehow Isaac managed to not accrue ANY in 10 years of schooling?) yet, and we hope to be busy and not as poor as now and filled with hope for our futures instead of despair for the present. RuPaul believes in me, and I believe in you and your ability to make a plan for your life to be less terrible just like I have.

*Also, duh. Remember this? It is SHOCKING to the Chronicle that "smart" people might be poor sometimes!

Exotic Vacation: Upper Midwest Edition

Hellooo friends, Guess who is going on vacation for, like, eight whole days. Can you guess? It's me! And Isaac! Hooray! And we are going to the magical college friend-filled land of Minnesota where I will have what will surely be a lovely but short reunion with my WIG Anne, who might become Canadian or something, as she rushes off to her next European adventure. Also, copious drinking and eating and cavorting that I can't really afford will occur and also HARRY POTTER 3D IMAX AWESOME. Then we will head up to the Perpetual Roommate's grandparents' abode in Wisconsin to drink in the sun on the lake, the sleazy rural bars, and all the classiness that Wisconsin generally has to offer. We are leaving tomorrow. Huzzah! I am not sure if I will blogging, as it is vacation and I don't want to make any solid plans besides making sure I drink at all my favorite places while I'm in town. My dear, kind Pal N has agreed to let us stay at her place in Minneapolis while she's out of town in exchange for not killing her cats. I'm bringing lots of sudafed and benedryl. But we should have the webernets there, so I'll probably at least check in during that first part of the week. Anyway, I thought I'd let you know, dear readers, what the what was. I'm going to try and work for home for a bit, and then my dear friend Emily of Obamanagrams fame will be here for one crazy night only. Fun is fun, isn't it? Love and cheap, region-specific liquors of odd coloring and taste, Lauren

Still awake at 8:00 a.m.: random ramblings

Since returning from the west coast homestead, I have been hit with a nasty bout of insomnia. No, not the kind where you can't sleep at all, but the kind where you can't go to sleep until some ungodly early hour of the morning like somewhere between 6:00 and 8:00 a.m. But then I don't get out of bed until 4:00 p.m., and I'm sure the caffeinated alcoholic beverages I hold so dear don't help matters much. I've taken to coming out to the couch to read so as not to disturb the slumbering boyfriend (or sometimes reminding him that he has his own house). Doesn't seem to be working today. Maybe I'm just super-excited that we will be doing a real-life tour of a presidential museum tomorrow (AKA this afternoon)! Have I mentioned that Isaac gave me this awesome 3-CD set, Of Great and Mortal Men: 43 Songs for 43 U.S. Presidencies, which is pretty much the best idea ever, if nothing else. I haven't gotten to volume 3 yet, but so far I really dig the songs about Tyler, Taylor, and Arthur. God knows I love me some obscure one-term nineteenth-century presidents! Gaza's burning. So, that's awesome. On BBC news on PBS earlier, we were depressed/unsurprised to learn that not only are the vast majority of casualties civilians, but the Israelis won't let more doctors and humanitarian workers in to help. Luckily (somehow-dear lord, seriously?-STILL) President Bush ♥ Israel! So we're totes not going to do anything until they're good and done defending themselves. In other news, apparently the Frankenmeister has probs won the Minnesota senate race. Douchebag McColeman's gonna sue, but hopefully that won't pan out.

Hump Day Linkage

-xkcd = my life, once again: -Sadie at Jezebel takes on Cosmo's constant efforts to make you insecure, this time encroaching on sacred cuddling territory. "Because as we know, in Cosmo land, why try direct communication when there are tricks and wiles and boas!" Cosmo Takes the Fun out of Cuddling. (Jezebel) -J. Stewart gets sassy about Minnesota's as-yet-unresolved senatorial race. Also, Al Franken in a sexy speedo: -Though Melissa reports that it looks like Ted "Tubes" Stevens may finally be finished. Ted Stevens Loses. (Shakesville)

Homesick for Saint Paul but not for tear gas

I'm still kind of disconnected from the news what with having had a five-day weekend full of drunken shenanigans and now lots and lots of Marx to read, but My One Friend (New BFF K) has cable and we caught the Daily Show tonight and I saw that the RNC decided not to dance on the graves of the victims of Gustav. So, you know, that's something. Also Facebook showed me that a number of my friends participated in some St. Paul protesting, and no one appears to have been arrested. However, I know some crazy authoritarian shit has been going down in the Cities, and it's fucking scary. Zachary found some video from inside the action. I will do my utmost to surface from my debauchery interspersed with book-readin' and do some real blogging soon.

Cream cheese wontons: food of the gods... and stoners

NOM NOM NOM.

Cream cheese wontons are fucking delicious. I got some with my order of pad cashew nut with chicken today as a special treat and they are just fried cheesy tasty awesome magic. Apparently, though, this magic is not widely available. (!) When I was home for Christmas, my friends and I went to a Chinese restaurant/karaoke bar in Portland after we were done with our family obligations. Besides drinking delicious cocktails, singing awesome songs, and leading the charge to the dance floor, our "Power Table" wanted to order some cream cheese wontons. We tried. The server told us that all their wontons had meat in them. W. T. F.? It was then that I learned that this was an amazing regional variation. I mean, I was never under the delusion that fried balls of cream cheese were some sort of traditional Chinese delicacy, but I thought it would be one of those things that is on EVERY Asian restaurant's menu. They are in Minnesota!

Anyway, I just consulted the Wikipedia "wonton" article and found out that cream cheese puffs are mostly made in Minnesota, Louisiana, California, Florida, and "parts of Iowa." Fuck that noise. I feel like it's up to me to spread the word:

Dear Friendly Asian Food Restaurateurs,

You know wontons? Yeah. Well, instead of tossing some meat or veggies inside those dough wraps, just try a delicious dollop of cream cheese. No, seriously. Then fry that shit up. Seriously, it's the best thing ever. Another good idea: offer a free order of them when you spend above a certain amount of money on a takeout order. High people will take advantage of it every time and buy more shit. (As long as somebody involved in the process is in a state to do math.) People everywhere deserve cream cheese wontons. Do us all a favor and add them to your menu.

Love and fried dumplings,

Lauren

More posty post

Still living the ROCKSTAR® lifestyle here, and not much work to do (avoiding a tedious project with no real deadline that I was only given because I ran out of other stuff to work on), so I'm a-gonna link link link to some good stuff on the Toobz. I'm just going to clear out my list before the weekend, so hold on to your hat! -Remember a while back when I was complaining about how HuffPo condemned their "Living" page to the Pink Ghetto? Well, apparently they took its former green color and made a "Green" page. Okay, fine. But you still didn't have to make all the articles about feelings pink. The Sexy Gay Jesus thinks it is in poor taste, too. And you should always trust The Sexy Gay Jesus on these issues.* But ANYWAY, through the new green Green page, I saw an article about one of my favorite afterschool television heroes, Bill Nye! He and Ed Begley, Jr., another ridiculous person, are neighbors and are trying to see who can be more environmentally friendly. Nerdy competitions that are good for the earth? 100 points awarded to each. Hey, remember when Bill Nye made that grass car? (Featured very briefly in video.) Glad to hear the Billster's still around, up to science-y shenanigans. Bill Nye, Ed Begley Compete to See Who's Greener. (Noaki Schwartz, Huffington Post) -Okay, so crazy, crazy Jesse Ventura has been talking about jumping into a Senate race close to my heart: AKA Al "Awesome Glasses" Franken v. Norm "How Do You People Not See What a Huge Douchebag He Is?!" Coleman. Colleen Werthmann has made some helpful (and awesome) diagrams to help you figure out who you should vote for in what is soon to be known as the 2008 Senatorial Clusterfuck. Minnesota's U.S. Senate race is crazying up nicely. (HuffPo's 23/6) -Apropos of the fact that I am (still) reading Naomi Klein's awesome, awesome book and learning about how Milton Friedman was an evil genius, I appreciated William K. Wolfrum's take on McCain's "economic plan." Prepared to run Milton Friedman's sixth term: John McCain lays out plans to 'starve the beast'. (William K. Wolfrum/Shakesville) -From a while back, The Apostate talks about turning into a bitch. And how it's awesome. I totally agree. Being a nice girl never got me shit, it just got me shit on. Learning to be assertive (still working on it) is a skill too many women never achieve. Don't put up with bullshit, people. You're a person.** I don't care if I come off as bitchy just because I stand up for myself. I'd rather be a bitch than a pushover. Any day. Learning to be a bitch. (The Apostate) -Our dear Hugo wrote a while back about boys and education. The Kathleen Parkers of the world like to claim that education is a zero-sum game: if girls do better, boys must do worse. This is, obviously, bullshit. There's not a finite amount of literacy in this world, people. Anyway, Hugo always comes at things in a really interesting way, and here he tackles some issues that have bothered me for a while about the whole gender/education/achievement mess. Poor white boys: school leaving, male under-performance, and the disaster of masculine anti-intellectualism. (Hugo Schwyzer) -And one more: My sister is the biggest badass at BYU. Pretty much. Goal: Become a legit Led Zeppelin fan: Led Zeppelin I (Cheerful Cynicism) *NOTE: I definitely get a good number of hits from people searching "sexy gay." These people must be severely disappointed that I am just talking about my imaginary gay best friend/deity of choice and do not actually feature porn. Sorry, gay Googlers! I hope you like nerdy U.S. history posting! Hey, Ulysses S. Grant was pretty hot. That's the best I can do. **"I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there's a person. And each person deserves to be treated... like a person."

Michele Bachmann: a case study in delusion

Definitely the highlight of the 2007 State of the Union drinking game.

I'm not actually going to write a case study. This is why I dropped the social sciences and have gravitated toward the humanities: not so much with the case studies, much more with the wordy analysis. But anyway, on my way out the door this morning (as always, about ten minutes after I should've already left the house, but seeing has how I'd still been in bed ten minutes ago, that's just kind of how it goes) I glanced at yesterday's newspaper on the dining room table and saw this headline screaming up at me, just begging to be mocked: Bachmann says $2 gas achievable.

Dear Michele Bachmann,

I myself once said I could read Moby Dick in a weekend. Four months later, I finally finished that shit.* I was in a high school English class. You are in the United States Congress. Someone elected you. Dear lord.

But for laughs, you may as well just keep bringing the crazy.

Love and Jesus juice,
Lauren

"The question is one of supply and demand, and we want to increase the supply,'' M-Bach says. I've never taken an econ class because there are limits to my self-hatred, but I'm pretty sure that not only is that analysis painfully simplistic and inaccurate, but there's not actually much we can do as far as "increasing the supply" of oil. Congresswoman Crazytrain just wants us to drill some more. Dude, I bet she reads Parade in the Sunday paper and actually enjoys it. So I will direct her to this week's Ask Marilyn column by resident genius-for-pay Marilyn vos Savant:

It’s hard to believe that there were ever enough plants and animals on Earth to create the huge volume of fossil fuels that we’re now consuming hourly. Even though the material accumulated over millions of years, the residue one might expect from a sizable dinosaur might be a pint of crude oil. How is it possible that this much fuel was ever produced?
—Rich Neel, Brownwood, Tex.

The geologic processes began more than 3 billion years ago. When one considers that all this matter may be used in only a few hundred years—just a thin sliver of that time—one might instead find it hard to believe that we could use so much so fast.

Now, Michele Bachmann doesn't so much "believe" in newfangled haberdashery like "science" or "evolution," so let me try to explain this in a way she can understand:

THE EARTH'S CORE IS NOT ONE BIG SELF-REPLENISHING OIL REPOSITORY. IF YOU USE A BIGGER STRAW TO SUCK IT OUT OF THE GROUND, IT JUST DISAPPEARS FASTER. JESUS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE YOU MORE JUST BECAUSE YOU HATE GAY PEOPLE ENOUGH OR BECAUSE YOU NEED TO DRIVE YOUR 1036898759 KIDS AROUND IN BIG VANS.

(If you are still somehow blissfully unaware of the magic of Michele Bachmann, see this old but still awesome and relevant profile of her from the City Pages--you may have to refresh a few times to get it to display, but it's worth it.)


*It is a terrible book that is actually mostly about the particulars of 19th-century sailing and whale anatomy.

New York Times discovers Minnesota has the internet; I tell Al Franken how to run his campaign

Maybe the fact that my mother constantly repeated this phrase while I was growing up explains some of what is wrong with me.

This story has been bouncing around for a bit (a week is a long time here on the interwebz), but apparently not only have The New York Times' intrepid reporters found out that we have the internet here in the MN, but there are these people called "bloggers" who write about "politics," and they sometimes have "readers" that they "influence." Ahem. Sorry, got kind of out of control with the quote marks there. That's right, kids: Senate Race in Minnesota Shows Power of Bloggers. That's a shitty headline, am I right or am I right? I guess blogs are still "news" to some people (some people who don't spend all day at their computers, ruining their hands and wrists, like us cool kids).

The long and the short of the story is about how douchebags serious political bloggers in Minnesota are striking out against Al Franken, the presumptive Democratic nominee for Senate. SHOCKING, I tell you. Did you have any idea that people express strong feelings on the internet, and sometimes it reflects negatively on their targets? I, for one, think that people should keep their opinions to themselves and off the toobz. As far as the Franken himself goes, my inappropriate crush on him has already been covered on this humble blog, but the actual meat of the NYT story involves conservative bloggers successfully exploiting his campaign's missteps. The gang over at Minnesota Democrats EXPOSED (all caps added for dramatic effect*) EXPOSED some back taxes Franken owed, and now are totally playing up the "Al Franken wrote stuff for Playboy" angle. I personally don't give a shit that Franken used to employ a shitty accountant, and I'm certainly aware of his notable past as a public figure and a comedian, but I think Jeff really hit the nail on the head as to where the campaign itself has gone wrong:

If Franken were upfront about this stuff, if he’d rushed to disclose it and apologized where necessary, maybe he could brazen it out, like Jesse Ventura did with some of his more colorful** past exploits. But that’s the other problem: he hasn’t been. Quite simply, [the Playboy] column should have come from the Franken campaign itself.

Anybody who has been gung-ho about Al Franken from the beginning already knows about Al Franken. I mean, he has an awesome feud with Bill O'Reilly and Fox News. He's a comedian who's been saying funny and outrageous things in the public sphere for a few decades. If you know him and like him already, the fact that he (at least) once joked around about porn isn't really your top concern as far as his candidacy goes.*** But for the people who are unconvinced, or don't find him funny, or have been living under a rock since the '70s, some of this stuff is going to be shocking and possibly fatal to his senatorial campaign. Regardless of the relatively objective lameness of these people, I agree with Jeff that all this stuff should have been right out on the table in the beginning.

Al Franken has been running for Senate for like two years, it's not like they just threw this campaign together last week and then realized that he once wrote for Playboy. For all the regular Minnesotans who aren't as pathetically steeped in pop culture as some of us big city internet-addicted types, I think it would have been beneficial to just say, "Hey, Al Franken has said some crazy shit, but it was funny, and he is awesome, and it's time to get over it." And then they could just spend the rest of their time reminding everybody what an undeniably huge douchebag Norm Coleman is. I mean, COME ON. Have you seen his MySpace? He's got like ten times fewer one-tenth as many friends as Al Franken, and his top friend is the Minnesota Young Republicans. And we all know that MySpace is pretty much just like real life.

Anyway, Franken's campaign should take back control of the story. Bloggers will blog, much like I am blogging right now, and there's nothing you can do about that. But the campaign has got to stop trying to brush Franken's comedic past under the table. Face it, love it, move on. I have. Now go win an election. (People like you!)



*I think I might get more traffic if I changed the name of this blog to Blonder and Thinner EXPOSED. Although anyone who is Googling that phrase will probably be sadly disappointed by my content.

**"Colorful" is officially one of my favorite euphemisms.

***Note: my personal feelings about actual porn are mixed at best, but I can't muster up the wherewithal to care about shit like this.

Local columnist finally too annoying to ignore

Please stop funding this man's career.

Dear Joe Soucheray,*

I hate you. Your column sucks. As the mouthpiece of the "You Kids Get Off My Lawn" demographic, your writing is pretty much Pluggers in a "political commentary"-type forum. And I thought nothing could be worse than Pluggers. Well, I thought wrong. I've been able to pretend you don't exist ever since you pissed me off by claiming we didn't need to spend that much tax money and/or time to replace the 35W bridge.** WHATEVER. But that was until yesterday. Yesterday I saw this headline sneering at me: "Hillary's coffee cup runneth over -- with humiliation."

First sentence:

When at last they shoot a large tranquilizer dart into her behind and drag her off the national stage, the lasting memory I will have of Hillary Clinton is Hillary at the coffee machine.

TRANQUILIZER DART?!!*** Ahem. Hillary Clinton is apparently a large, rampaging wild animal that must be "put down" to avoid causing damage to regular Americans. Yep, regular Americans who drink crappy gas station coffee. I see that one of the neighbor kids showed you how to use the "YouToobz" and you were able to see a video of her being confused by an automatic coffee machine. As a non-coffee drinker, I have to say that whenever I have to use one of those machines to fill up some hot chocolate or something, I definitely have to read the directions and look around for the lids and sometimes fuck it up and spill a little. And I don't even have the national press corps recording my every clumsy move. It could be that my blonde female compatriot and I are just DUMB, but I imagine you and your "traditional values"-promoting friends in the media are trying to promote the idea that she's "out of touch" and "elite." Can I just say something? Wait, why did I ask your permission? I'm going to say something: WHO GIVES A FUCK? You make a big deal about how she showed up at a gas station for some (admittedly dumb) publicity stunt about gas taxes or whatever, and not only did you accuse her of only "pretend[ing] to understand how gas gets pumped," but you also make a big show of calling out that

...[B]ehind her was the large carbon footprint of six Suburbans full of security people, two squad cars and a news van with the press pool and the photographers.

Ahem. Again. God, I must have something in my throat. I'm just going to point out a few things here. Hillary Clinton doesn't "pretend" to know how gas is pumped. I am 100% POSITIVE that at one time, Hillary Clinton regularly pumped her own gas. It's not like she's from Oregon. Oh, and I'm sure that condescending tone has NOTHING to do with her gender. NOTHING AT ALL. (More on this later, obvs.) Also, it is obvious to me that you, Joe Soucheray, don't give a fuck about anybody's carbon footprint and you're just trying to make fun of liberal environmentalists. We are aware that this was a public event. Did you know that Hillary Clinton is not only a presidential candidate and a United States Senator, but also the former First Lady?!!! Do you know that that means she gets, like, super-extra-awesome Secret Service service, whether she wants it or not? So, even if she wanted to pop down to the SA for some of their gourmet roast every morning, it might be too much of a hassle. It might actually make sense for someone to get her coffee for her. And sometimes it might even be SLIGHTLY classier than gas station coffee.

And another thing, you accuse Hillary Clinton with the ol' "inauthentic" chestnut by pointing out that the ridiculous truck bed she gave a speech from was a restored classic pick-up that WASN'T EVEN DIRTY. I'm not saying the whole truck thing was a good idea, it was stupid. Obviously. But The Sexy Gay Jesus and I both know that if she had pulled out a "real workingman's" truck with mud all over it, you would have accused her of pandering even more. Going on about her "pantsuits,"**** and how she's encroaching on the GARAGE, where only men, working men, dirty working men who pump their own gas and can use an automatic coffee machine blindfolded and with one grease-stained and calloused hand tied behind their backs belong.

But the most revealing moment came for me at the end of this week's column:

I liked her at that moment. She seemed so ultimately vulnerable.

When they come to get her with the dart or the net, I hope somebody takes care of her.

So you only like helpless little ladies. I get it; it's a misogynist thing. But Hillary's, like, totally PMS-ing and just WILL NOT get off the stage like a good girl. So you're not going to ask nicely anymore, you're just going to drug her against her will and drag her away like a sea turtle we can tag and track.***** But don't worry, Hillsy, we'll find you a nice lady friend to take care of you. Maybe she can show you which button to push on the coffee machine. Now, lest you accuse me of being a humorless feminist who is just LOOKING for misogyny in all the wrong places, I present to you:

EXHIBIT A: Your radio show's dictionary. Perhaps I will post on just this one day if I can stomach talking about you again.

EXHIBIT B: This not-so-subtly gender-based Hillary-bashing is part of a widespread misogynist backlash. See Shakesville's (now) 90-part series.

So, in closing: You may have called yourself an "amateur psychiatrist" in this column, but in my heart, you're a professional douchebag. Still, always, and forever.

Love and vodka shots,

Lauren



*Or should I say DOUCHE-eray? Haha.

**I'm not going to lie, I kind of hope this (not-)recession turns into a depression and we totally bring back the Works Progress Administration and finally fucking reinvest in our crumbling infrastructure, not mention funding the arts. Also, I bet those working for the WPA would have to partake of Teh Dreaded Socialized Medicine! Of course, "FDR" was probably a dirty acronym in the Soucheray household growing up.

***Something I should not have to point out: Any time you make light of violence against an individual woman, even imagined violence, you are promoting violence against ALL women. It's called a SYSTEM OF OPPRESSION for a reason, and threats against one of us are used to subdue and control all of us. This is not up for debate. Unless you are an asshole. Which I suppose is why we're here in the first place.

****What is the media obsession with pantsuits? Men wear pantsuits all the time. But they're boys, and their outfits are the norm by which all other variations of clothing are measured, so they just get to have "suits." I mean, come on, do we make a big deal when women wear "skirt suits?" Maybe if a candidate started wearing a "tiger suit" or a "glow-in-the-dark swimsuit" on the campaign trail, we could start making a thing about it.

*****I actually think tracking animals with electronic devices or putting cameras on them and following them is really cool. For, like, educational purposes. Not cool for people.

The Caucus: America's Lowest Form of Democracy

It's hard to take seriously a form of voting that resembles an elementary school field day.

So last Saturday I went to my local senate-district caucus convention. It was half incredibly boring and half completely ridiculous. I loved it. But I have to throw this out there: CAUCUSING IS THE STUPIDEST WAY TO VOTE EVER. The day began quite early for a Saturday (Roommate A and I left the house at 8:30, ew), and when we arrived at Humboldt High School, we stood in a very long line to register with everyone else who hadn't bothered to show up earlier. (I got a nametag! On a piece of yarn!) My roommate was corralled into some sort of strategy discussion with some other Jack Nelson-Pallmeyer supporters and I found us seats with our other precinct delegates. Now, let me tell you a little story about the Humboldt High School auditorium: the stairs are TREACHEROUS. They are all different sizes. This seems to be by design. WTF? I watched as some woman tripped and fell down a bunch of stairs. They had to call an ambulance. I hope she's okay. She was moving around and stuff, so she's not paralyzed, but she didn't even get to caucus. Fuck you, Humboldt architects. A great way to start the day.

Moving on, the caucus started about an hour or so late. SHOCK. We had to like, ratify the rules and agenda before we could do anything. But before that, we did the Pledge of Allegiance, which I haven't done since, god I don't know when. I hate America almost as much as Barack Obama. (I also do not wear a flag lapel pin. I generally don't have lapels, but I'm still trying to make a statement.) Anyway, lots of people nominating themselves for various local party positions and blah blah blah. Roommate A and I shared the one pen she actually thought to bring and went through all the platform resolutions, voting on whether or not to forward them to the state convention. There were over a hundred. Some of them were good, like the ones about ending the war. Others were vaguely offensive, as in: "Men should stop being forced to pay child support for children that are not their own." I mean, that seems basically reasonable, but I've spent enough time on the internets to see a Men's Rights Activist's fingerprints all over that shit. So I voted no. Maybe I should've waited around to hear people read their statements explaining the resolutions. But I was so not going to stay later than I absolutely had to.

But so there were a few more hours of motions and seconding and saying, "yea" to close nominations and such. I enjoyed observing our hot, young city council member with his adorable small children, because I'm a creep like that. But in the meantime, there were speakers! There were state politicians, but I don't care about those people. I was excited about Betty McCollum, who is fucking awesome, and about the candidates for Senate. Ciresi and Nelson-Pallmeyer both spoke in the morning. Ciresi was blah. Nelson-Pallmeyer was actually pretty good, and I could see why all the hippie types were working for his campaign. But I have a special place in my heart for Al Franken. I was afraid he wouldn't show, but he came right before we split up to sub-caucus. (Strategery much?) He is so short and adorable and funny and I kind of have a crush on him. (THOSE GLASSES!) And he jumped off the stage and almost tripped on a microphone wire. It was great. The crowd was very enthusiastic. Then he came into the audience and he was like six feet away from me at some point, but I am very awkward and shy and couldn't work up the nerve to ask him for a picture/chat with him. But I could have, had I not sucked so much.

Then it was time to do the ol' Sub-caucus Walk-us. OMG ridiculous. I don't know if this is what Thomas Jefferson et al had in mind for our representative democracy (setting aside all the women and black people that were there, of course), but have I mentioned that it is THE STUPIDEST WAY TO VOTE EVER? 'Cause it is. But it was kind of fun. I managed to find a Franken sub-caucus that wasn't also an Obama group (remember how I'm kind of on Team Hillary now? Go Texas and Ohio!) The only Clinton sub-caucuses were uncommitted for Senate, and I really wanted to support Al, so I went for Al Franken/Universal Health Care. I couldn't argue with that. Our sub-caucus was viable, so I didn't have to walk again. During the second walk, though, all the Franken staffers were trying to do mathematical calculations to figure out how to win remainder delegates or whatever. We kept having to shift a few people between Franken sub-caucuses. It was ridiculous. Again, kind of fun, but I really didn't feel like I was VOTING or anything. It felt like a game. But Al won the most delegates to the state convention, so huzzah!

Anyway, that is far more than anyone ever wanted to know about my experience at the caucus. I'm glad I did it, if for no other reason than blog fodder. I might have actually nominated myself for some local party position if I planned on still living in Minnesota six months from now. Oh, well. Mostly, the lesson is this: caucusing is the least-straightforward, most silly way to hold a primary. God bless the Minnesota DFL and my six hours of participatory democracy on a Saturday!



STILL TO COME: I write to Al Franken's campaign to tell him all the things I didn't say when I had the chance.

Old MacDonald had a link farm

Because I am inexplicably mildly hungover and it's a half day for me anyway since we're driving to the Wisc later today, I'm kind of not really doing any work. So, links! -Though I feel for her less-crazy constituents, I never pass up a good Michele Bachmann story. Michele Bachmann Cowers Behind Robot Phalanx to Avoid Voters (Wonkette) -Dear Republicans in my home state of Washington: nobody likes a cheater. Stop suppressing votes for Stephen Colbert as VP! washington launders the vote (skippy the bush kangaroo) -COCKSUCKERS!! "...you're probably also oppressing yourself." Somewhat NSFW at times, but always safe for awesome insights on feminism, sex, or whatever Figleaf feels like writing about. Mostly all y'all should be reading him and this was a random new post that I enjoyed. Sucking the Agency out of Fellatio (Figleaf's Real Adult Sex) -"Get them to print you a t-shirt with 'fascist' on it."* Keith Olbermann is a badass, take a drink. Seriously, watch it: Countdown Special Comment on FISA: President Bush Is a Liar and a Fascist (Crooks & Liars) Well, I've got about 45 more minutes to kill. This Diet Coke I'm drinking to ward off my headache/sleepiness says "GIVE LIVE LOVE" on the can. Thanks, Coca-Cola Company. I think I will take that to heart and start using a cheesy soda slogan as my life philosophy. But soon I am off to northern Wisconsin for the weekend, dear reader(s), where the bars are plentiful and cheap, the locals are sketchy and quick to sexually harass you, and the most pressing activity on the agenda is deciding whether to lay on the couch longer or go get in the hot tub for awhile. Hooray, vacation! Hasta el martes. UPDATE: Had had HAD to link to this blog and this post because this shit will change your life (or at least make you remember your elementary school library with fondness): "I'm starting to think that Claudia was actually some sort of bizarre idiot savant who secretly constructed a time machine and spent a lot of time checking in on 2007/2008." I think she may be right, have you seen what these "hipsters" are wearing these days? Super Special #8: Baby-Sitters at Shadow Lake (What Claudia Wore) *Enjoying my blog, counter-terrorism eavesdroppers?