before we were 5.

here are some events that occurred before junebug came to be.

my last date with my handsome pre-doctor:

featuring a night of raisinettes, wizards, snakes and the end of an era.  

good-bye harry p.  

someday i will read the books about you.

my last official pregnancy picture, 9 days before labor:

celebrating my birthday with my little family:

featuring blueberry pancakes, balloon hats, princess jewelry, a slap bracelet, a rubber chicken {not kidding}, and the usual birthday dinner at the kid-friendly red robin.

more fun with balloons:

celebrating my birthday with this beautiful friend of mine:

 

featuring a delicious dinner, an awful movie {because i talked her into it}, and then some amazing gifts with a capital A.  then, because she's the only person i will take crazy pictures with/for, here are some fun ones:  {the last one of me looking less-than attractive is again for 
"those" who have "voiced" that i only allow "flattering" pictures of myself on here}

trying to find leah in her bed after each nap:  {don't worry, we always uncover her face & clean out her bed daily.}

trying out the baby's swing:

and that's a wrap.

meeting june.

caleb's response:

ohhhh!  she's so cute!  and little!

then,

i'm hungry.

then,

where are our presents from june?

then,

look at her little hands!

then,

i'm hungry.

then,

a kiss.

leah's response: {said with a listhp}

it's a baby!!

then,

i hold it, i HOLD IT!!

then,

I HOLD IT!

then,

a poke.

then,

puzzled.

then,

a hug.

a space where heaven and earth meet.

i have been blessed to be 

in this space 3 times now.

happy birth day, 

june ellen.

july 26, 2011

8:40 p.m.

6 lbs, 15 oz....20 1/2 inches

not much hair

dimple in her right cheek

easygoing and quiet...so far.

we love you junebug!

floating with contractions through the river of denial

{here is my denial face.  

i am thinking about eating chocolate on a tropical island somewhere.
it's where i always go.}

when i am pregnant, i am not the type of mother to bond with my children while they are in the womb.  i don't read to them, sing to them, or put headphones on my bare belly playing classical music.  in fact, i have a difficult time even calling them by the name we've picked out for them, or addressing them as "he" or "she."  i usually find myself addressing the baby as "it" and then ben will correct me with a, "you mean, she?"  and then i say, "oh, right. yeah. she."

i don't know why i am this way, but i have to say i don't think it's necessarily a good thing.  i think it says something about my mental state while i'm pregnant....i'm not sure what that is, but it says something, i think.

i know it isn't a new thing, or just related to this pregnancy because i wrote about it when i was 32 weeks pregnant with leah.

mainly i've realized that it's a huge state of denial.  so much so, in fact, that when i actually come to the laboring part of pregnancy and the child pops out, a voice inside my brain seems to scream,

"OH MY GOSH THERE WAS A BABY IN THERE!!  ALL OF THIS TIME?!?  HOW COULD I NOT KNOW THAT??  I WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS!"

and then i'm handed this tiny being and i am completely overwhelmed.

but, in the end it always turns out okay.  i take it one day at a time and eventually realize that i am the mother of this baby and i did carry he or she in my uterus for 9 months.

i think with this pregnancy in particular i have found myself in such a state of denial.  probably because most of the time i felt i was just coping with what was going on in our lives outside of being pregnant.  one thing after the other seemed to hit for about 7 1/2 months, and it came in waves.  just long enough for me to struggle to the surface and get my bearings before another wave took me under for a week or two....or three.

so when we moved into this new house and started to get settled, and worked in somewhat of a summer routine, i took a breather and really relaxed.  things were simple and quiet again.  {aside from my children, who absolutely love to hear the sound of their own voices at a volume that could probably shatter glass}

until about two weeks ago.  i woke up at 1 a.m. one night, clutching my stomach.  and realized i was doing lamaze breathing without even trying.  it was a contraction, but harder than the normal braxton hicks contractions that i had been having since i was about 5 or 6 months along.  it started in my lower abdomen and wrapped around to my back.  my face felt like it was on fire and i had to concentrate to get through it.  after a minute or so it was over, so i lay back down.  just as i was getting back to sleep, another one started.  i was laying on my side and once it started, i couldn't move, so i just held onto my stomach again, and got through it.  a few minutes later another came.  and then another.  i changed sides, but they didn't stop.  i got up and walked around, went and sat down on the couch.  they didn't stop.

at this point, i was only about 35 weeks along.  and with both of my other two kids, my body had not been cooperative at all when it came to "getting ready" for labor before my due date.  i never dilated on my own, didn't "drop" {don't you love that term?}, wasn't effaced....nothing.  both kids i had under strange circumstances.  so i wasn't quite sure what was going on here.  but i have felt contractions before--real contractions--and these felt pretty similar to them. 

i started to time each one....they were 5 or at the most 6 minutes apart on the dot.  they were not irregular, they were like clockwork.  of course, my "birthing coach" was still snoring soundly in bed at this point and i didn't want to wake him up unless i knew something was going on.  because to be honest, he's kind of grumpy when he's woken up out of sleep.  it's one of the only times that i can say i am more pleasant than him.  when i'm woken up, i pop out of sleep and my brain jumps into place and i'm tired, but good to go.  ben is not only grumpy, but disoriented and confused and usually starts rambling nonsense with his eyebrows scrunched together like he's in an extreme amount of pain, and you {the waker of the wakee} are the cause of it.  so sometimes, it's more trouble than it's worth to wake him up.

i researched the signs of pre-term labor and it looked like i had a majority of the symptoms.  that's when i started to get nervous.  but aside from denial, i also have another problem when it comes to pregnancy and labor:  i just don't trust myself. 

i always talk myself out of things....telling myself i'm paranoid or overreacting or just anxious.  not only that, but it was about 3 a.m. during this point in the game and i knew that i was going to have to wake up a household in order to take myself into the hospital.  and was i really sure that this was labor?

so, i waited it out. 

the contractions went steady until about 5 a.m., when they finally ceased and i could go to sleep.  i woke back up at 7:30, explained to ben what had happened, helped him get the kids ready for church, and went back to sleep because i was so exhausted. 

but i think that was the moment for me.  going from the somewhat comfortable state of pretending my stomach was just growing abnormally large due to icecream, into sudden, consistent contractions woke me up out of my denial with a jolt. 

when ben came home from church he immediately said, 

"so. do we have anything ready for this baby to come?  because maybe we should start thinking about that now.  i know you like to pretend that we still have 3 more months to go, but i'm pretty sure we don't."

and i realized he was right.  i had nothing ready....i hadn't washed any newborn clothes, the bassinette was out in the garage and desperately needing to be washed too, didn't have any newborn diapers, the carseat was also somewhere in the garage, writing out emergency phone numbers and directions for the baby-sitter if i should happen to go into labor in the middle of the night, i didn't have my things packed....and the most embarrassing part??  i didn't even know where the hospital is that i'm delivering at.  now i did know the name of the hospital.  and the general place that it's located.  but that was about it.

so, that next week i tried to wrap my mind around the realization. 

it didn't necessarily work, as far as my mental state.  but things are physically ready now.  mostly anyway.  bassinette, car seat, directions & emergency stuff for the baby-sitter, clothes for the baby, clothes for me.  and i actually drove past the hospital.

go me.

as far as the contractions?  they keep coming.  for a week it was almost every night, at the same time, from 1am-4am.  non-stop, consistent, every 4 minutes.  now it happens every couple of nights.  but every night it happens i talk myself out of doing anything about it.  i have found that a 20 minute, hot shower helps things calm down.

i asked my doctor at the last appointment why it was happening.  and i guess it boils down to my body actually "getting itself ready" this time.  boy, that would be a nice change, to maybe be able to labor at home a little bit when it's the real deal.  though it's a trade-off.  i now know why most women are seriously miserable by the end of their pregnancy.  i've never felt this way before, that i want to just get it over with!  the last two times i've been more worried about labor & then the anxiety of adjusting to life with a newborn that i want to be pregnant for as long as possible.  

i did ask my doctor how i would know the difference between this labor-prep-stuff and real labor.  

his answer?  "you'll just know."

to which i replied, "well i just want you to know that i am the type of person to talk myself out of things.  i tell myself i'm paranoid and to just calm down.  so i'm hoping that i really will 'just know' because otherwise i'm going to find myself at home, boiling hot water and grabbing salad tongs to deliver my own child because i've waited too long.  and to be honest, if that happens?  i'm going to collect the money for the self-delivery."

and then my doctor, who i have never seen laugh before, gave me a little chuckle.  if only he knew i wasn't joking.

so the strader home is ready for baby june.  but is my brain ready for it? .....i mean, her?

not yet, but i'm working on that.  i will admit now that just yesterday as i was eating my morning greek yogurt i looked at the expiration date and realized that the yogurt i was eating would be going bad before ben and i would be the parents of 3 children.  THREE CHILDREN!  what is happening here?!?

i almost passed out.

whether i want to admit it to myself or not, i am actually pregnant.  and there is a baby coming, and soon.

just curious, has anyone else felt this way???  and don't say yes just to make me feel better, or less crazy.  i already know i'm a nut job.  :)

whoever said black was slimming...

obviously did not see me today.

 34 weeks.

this morning i woke up and realized i had forgotten to iron the shirt i was supposed to wear to church.  so to save time, i opted for a non-maternity, linen black dress that was very unforgiving as far as material goes.  i was worried each time i sat down that i was going to pop a stitch, and that seams would start unraveling before my very eyes.

luckily that didn't happen.

i was also glad that i had learned my lesson as far as non-maternity nylons go and haven't made that mistake again.   what was i thinking back then??

but this was also the day that i got my first comments of, "any day now, huh?"  and "woah, you do look pregnant!"

which are always so fun for the self-esteem.  i actually don't really care about those comments so much because, well, i am in fact pregnant.  there is a baby growing in there and i am a somewhat compact {kind word for short} individual, so where else is the baby going to show up?

but other than that, how am i feeling?

well surprisingly, much much better than i was a month ago.  or two months ago.  or six months ago.  i had no idea how much the moldy environment of our last house was making me feel seriously miserable.  

so now i just have the normal pregnancy uncomfortable-ness, but not the misery that i felt before we moved.  i'm so grateful for that, and am also grateful that i got the chance to feel the difference before i popped this child out.  because i had sworn off of future children, based solely on how i had felt for 7 months of living.  now?  well, i'm not making any promises....just grateful that i got the opportunity to realize that it wasn't just pregnancy that was making me feel so awful.

6 weeks left, friends!!

wish list for this baby

i've been trying for over a week to write a semi-big thing....and each time i sit down and write, something happens that distracts me.  good distractions though, like a phone call from a friend, or spending time with ben.  so i don't mind.  i just don't want to lose my train of thought, but also have to get in "the zone" for it to come out right.


so anyway, here are a couple of things that i've been looking atslashprayingforamiracletohaveitlandonmydoorstep when this baby pops out. 


have i mentioned that i'm now in my last trimester?  holy smokes.  i'm pretty sure i spent 95% of trimester #2 feeling miserable emotionally and physically.  i'm glad that's over, and i'm feeling better all the way around.  


and also what i appreciate about those hard times, is that not only do they pass, {if i let them} but that i always learn something more about myself.  another chance to dig deeper, and come out on the other side with my rough edges a little smoother.


now i get to make up for some lost time and get myself and our house in gear for the wee lassy.  presenting:






the arm's reach co-sleeper.

this is at the top of my list right now.


perfect for middle of the night feedings, and the right combination for me for co-sleeping while actually still being able to get some sleep.  when i've tried to co-sleep with my kids in the past while they're little, i am miserable.  i'm stuck in the middle of the bed with no room to move because ben is paranoid about rolling over the baby, and then i'm so worried that the baby is going to roll off the bed that i prop a pillow barrier on the other side.  and i am cramped and claustrophobic, unable to move in the middle.


this bed hooks safely to your mattress, so that you can sleep next to the baby without worrying about rolling over them, but close enough to be right there.  genius i say!
 


the swaddleme blanket.
 

i looked up the miracle blanket, the woombie, and a couple of other swaddle blankets, but this one had the best reviews.  i love that it comes in 3 different types of fabric, and also in bigger sizes.




the babytrend sit 'n stand double plus stroller.

now i know that this is pricey, but like i said, this is a wish list.  we don't have the cash flow for getting my dream, but if i could get a stroller for this time in my life, this is what i would go for.  there have been a lot of times that even having just caleb & leah, i wish i would have purchased a sit & stand stroller.  caleb's legs get sore easily and i've been stuck in the situation at the zoo or aquarium or just in the mall, where i'm having to carry leah so that he can rest for a little while, and then trade off. 


i love that this stroller allows for the ability to put in a carseat while the baby is young, and then change back to fit two sitting kids when needed.






i've also been looking at slings and wraps all over the internet to try to find the perfect combo of safe/easytouse/not crazy expensive, and i am still searching.  let me know if you have one you love, otherwise i'll try to find one & post about it later.


hope everyone is having a great week!!

well, with now 99% positivity, we can say....

this baby is a girl!

thank heavens for my facebook friends, who gave me the tip to drink some orange juice
 about 20 minutes before the appointment to get this gal hopping.  

it totally worked.

ben and i are a mixture of excited, surprised, and a little bit trepadacious as we look at our currently 2-yr old daughter who is throwing a big emotional fit on the floor as i write this because she can't balance a plastic ring on her head.

i haven't broken the news to caleb yet, maybe we will take him to disneyland so that the devastation of having another little sassy lady pouncing around the house will be lessened by the magic and glory of disney.

if only we had the moneyslashtimeslashprivatejet so i don't have to endure the car ride.  someday, right?

and yes we have had a name picked out since we first found out i was greatwithchild, we had both a boy name and a girl name we have decided on.  and no, we don't care about telling people the name we've picked, mainly because we don't really care if others like it or not. because we do, and that's what matters, right?

so, since i'm sure the suspense is killing you..... {don't worry, i know it's really not}

introducing, 

the fetus called

june.

june ellen, to be exact.  yes, a june born in july.  

unless she wants to be a june born in june, which at this point in my life i would kinda be okay with.  

you know, as long as she's healthy and all of that.

so there you have it, folks!

much like my instinct when it comes to directions, 

i am now completely in distrust of my 'instincts' 

when it comes to guessing the gender of my kids.

because so far, i've been wrong 3 out of 3 times.

go figure.

i will quite possibly be writing about the woes, 

woes i tell you!

of this pregnancy.

because it's been a doozy.

i hate the thought of ending the strader family line

at just 3 kids, due solely to the fact that

my body hates being pregnant,

but i'm telling you.

the thought has crossed my mind more than once or twice.

 

we shall see.

5 months-20 wks.

here are a couple of pictures of me tonight, halfway through this pregnancy.

and here is one from when i was 20 weeks pregnant with leah.  

not sure if it's the angle, or if it's really true that you pop out quicker with each one.

all i know is, i feel big. 

like that i've quadrupled in size in just the past couple of weeks.

i also know that i am really loving the belly band,

this is the first pregnancy i've worn it and it's so nice

to be able to still wear my normal jeans 

without cutting off the baby's circulation,

and still being able to sit down without my pants falling off.

i highly recommend it!

dear new baby,

when i found out that i was pregnant, let's just say that it was not "ideal" timing.  we have had a lot going on this year, and there were some extremely stressful circumstances surrounding our family.  i was shocked, and i will admit it, immediately worried.  i didn't feel ready, emotionally or mentally or physically.

after walking upstairs to let your dad know {i had taken the test without him knowing, honestly because i thought there was a big chance that i was just being paranoid}, i sat down on the floor of the office and announced that we needed to talk.  he had been working on homework, and swung around in his brown chair to face me.  i told him the news, with a surprised look on my face, my eyes huge, wondering what he was going to say.

"huh?"

was what came out of his mouth.  he was shocked too.  but then, a smile immediately came to his face.  he said that he couldn't believe it, but he was happy.  for the rest of the day, we looked at each other off and on, smiling and shaking our heads.

little baby, the past few months for me have been a roller coaster.  even though leah's only almost 2, i had forgotten what pregnancy feels like.  and i had never been pregnant before while handling a fairly stubborn toddler, and taking another child to school.  i have felt more tired at times than i can ever remember feeling in my life. 

but i want you to know that there has never been a moment that your dad and i have felt an ounce of regret or not wanting you.  we have always wanted more kids, and i know that especially once you are born, we will have the same feeling that we do about your brother and sister.  that we couldn't imagine life without you, that you belong with us.

i wanted to thank you for what you have already taught me.  you have reminded me of what love really is.  it is about sacrifice and unselfishness, and wanting the best for someone else over yourself.  it helps me to remember that the love i am already feeling for you is just an ounce of what God feels for me.  

life is a parallel, and i just needed to step outside of my own needs and wants or thoughts of what is ideal timing for our family for a minute to remind me of this.

i love you already, baby.  so does your dad.  and we just can't wait to meet you.

love, your mom.

things you may not like about me.

 {for those who have previously accused me of only taking "good pictures"....this one's for you.}

so here's a fun secret to share:

i am terrified to have 3 kids.

almost everyone i have talked to that has 3+ children says that 3 is pretty much as tough as it gets.  then, the more you add, the merrier.  you've already lost your mind by that point, so why not?  have another.    i was not ready to get pregnant with this child and though i'm not resentful about it, i just don't feel prepared.  but can you ever really prepare yourself?  because who knows how the dynamics will change, for better or worse?  at heart i'm a preparer though, so this whole idea has thrown me for a loop.  

another secret to share:

i was also terrified to have 2.

but, for different reasons.  i was scared of giving birth to another caleb baby, a screaming and discontent and tireless child.  one i adored with every fiber of my being, but still.  the thought of having another one just like him terrified me.  kept me up at night, and causing-problems-with-my psyche-terrifying.

secret #3, as if you haven't had to read enough:

i really, really don't like being pregnant.

i know this is probably an awful thing to say.  i have several dear and close friends who i have watched had to have the inability to become pregnant as their trial.  so when i announce this, even to myself, i immediately feel selfish and ungrateful.  

i also have a family member and several close friends who have awful pregnancies.  like, stuck with IV's in their arms, on chemo medicine, daily home nurses needed, unable to take care of themselves or other children-type sick.  so again, me complaining and feeling all sorry for myself that i get 24/7 nausea and complete and utter exhaustion makes me feel like a wussy.

but i try to let myself be okay with realizing that even just this type of pregnancy is a hurdle, even if in comparison it's not like others i know have had to suffer through.  feeling like i'm functioning at about 50% all of the time, counting down the minutes to caleb's quiet time/leah's nap time so that i can rest for a little bit, and trying to put on a good face for others when i really just want to go and throw up or curl up in the fetal position gets old after several months.

don't get me wrong, i recognize that this baby is a blessing, and will ultimately be incredible for our family.  

i've just felt lately like i have been treading water, and not gracefully or with class.  it's been more of a haphazard splashing around doggy paddle.  not pretty.

also not pretty?  the way that i've looked lately.  for once considering myself someone who has a hard time going places without make-up on, well.....that ship has sailed.  i have walked through grocery stores, department stores, in crowds of people completely bare skinned.  i'd like to say it felt liberating, due to working on how i feel about my image no matter what, but really....when it happened these times it was mainly because it was just easier.

which leads me to my last secret:

i think that at the heart of me, i like things easy.  super easy.

i mean, i get that most people prefer things easy over difficult, don't they?  who absolutely loves scaling emotional or physical walls?  if you know someone, i have an awesome therapist to refer them to.  just kidding.

but i think i can take things to an extreme.  i talk myself out of the tiniest things when i'm feeling well.  add pregnancy onto my initial issues and i seriously feel like i might as well be a turtle who constantly hides in her shell.  i have our little daily life down to a schedule.  it's quiet, simple, and probably boring to most.  i don't like to push myself. 

for example:  school.

i made a promise....no a commitment to myself that i would sign up for school this semester.  of course, that was pre-pregnancy, so when i surprisingly became pregnant i let myself off of the hook and used it as my excuse.  not good.  

the next example:  housework.

it never looks awful here, but it never looks finished.  something that continually drives me insane, but i choose the easy route and just think about dusting/putting the laundry completely away/finishing the dishes instead of getting up and doing it.  i think it's a form of self torture so that nothing ever really feels done.

final example:  exercising.

it seems like i can't remember the days that i was exercising during nap/quiet times, or once the kids were in bed.  the last time i got on the treadmill and pushed myself, i had to lay on the bed for 30 minutes just to recuperate from it.  sad, sad.  i have gone mildly walking twice with andrea, but to be honest, i'm pretty much tapped out for the rest of the day afterward.

so.

this is my self-deprecating blog post amid the somewhat inspirational ones.  i'm working on fully accepting myself through this phase, without selling myself short and allowing my negative thoughts to outweigh the positive ones.  

i'm still pushing myself through it, and delicately walking the balance between the desire to change and the desire to accept. 

and am planning on coming out on the other side of this somewhat unscathed.

a big ol' p.s.  after re-reading what i wrote, do you know the thought that keeps popping into my head?  

is that maybe...aside from other things that this pregnancy & baby is going to do for our family....that it's also God's way of saying to me, 

"i'm now going to put your words and thoughts to the test.  you can do things differently this time."

so my friends, we're going to see if i can do just that.