Foster/adoption update: Life lessons

Heavenly Father has taken my family in a different direction, and has given me a much needed break. Tom and I have been praying about the little girl we received back in March this year. This is one of the ugly parts of foster care, she has caused a huge disruption in our home and it hasn't gotten better with time. She has been a handful for us, we have been working tirelessly to help her but there has been little to no change in her. Yes she is two, and every child is different but I have dealt with my share of two year olds and all of them have pretty much followed the order of life you might say. We have had services come out and tell me that she is pretty normal and or some say she isn't messed up enough to qualify for services. Doors are being closed because they feel she doesn't need anything. I have evaluated myself multiple times to see if I'm trying to make these things up in my head but when I have her go to other homes or other people see her out in public other people can see she needs help. It was the same thing with our other little boy, he needed services but wasn't "messed" up enough. A child has been removed from the only environment they ever have known, from neglect, different types of abuse into hopefully a "normal" healthy environment. That is a huge shocker to anyone of any age, but especially to a child.
Out oldest little girl has had the hardest time adjusting since our oldest left back in May. And she is pretty territorial, and when we received the little girl in March she was NOT happy. They had their good and bad days (mostly bad). She felt threatened, and was scared that she was going to be removed. So she started acting out doing things that she normally doesn't do. It was hard for her to understand that she wasn't going to be removed and hard that her oldest brother who she loved left her, she knew him for over 2 years. And to have this other little girl take up A LOT of my attention, it was hard for her and she wasn't getting the care she needed. This is the part of foster care we knew we were going to run into, how does a child so young comprehend that your home is a "hotel" for kids and that the ones you adopt are staying forever. Tom and I are continually telling them that we love them and that they are in a safe home and they are NOT going anywhere.
As far as the 2 year old little girl, I was feeling burnt out, my efforts for fighting for her were being wasted. I was fighting the system showing them signs how she shouldn't go back to her mom so quickly. She will be going back home pretty soon, probably by Christmas, and I feel like the mom hasn't resolved the problems. No child deserves a bad home. Things weren't good in our home, the kids were being divided and they were not happy. My 4 year olds issues were getting worse. I have been praying what to do, and I received my answer while we were on vacation back in July that  it will be best that she goes to another home. I fought it, because I know what happens when a child is removed from a home, they get set back another year in development. But I had to think of my forever family and how things affect them and if it is a healthy environment. Basically my answer was if your home isn't healthy then you can't give these other kids the healthy environment they need. Today I took her to another home, I dropped her off and drove 45 mins alone in my car. I felt like a failure, I felt like I wasn't cut out to be a mom. The only comfort I have knowing that she is with this amazing loving family that will give her the love that she needs. I know what I did was in the best interest of my family, I felt the comfort of my heavenly father but it still isn't easy. I know it will take time to heal. I have 3 healthy beautiful children that I get to call them mine forever and I couldn't be happier.
As far as our family continuing foster care we are on hold right now. I have been burnt out and ran dry, all the stories I hear and phone calls I get for kids needing a home and fighting the system, which sometimes seems they don't have the child's best interest really gets you upset, depressed and down right angry. My husband and I will be taking a break on taking anymore kids until next summer, we felt that it would be in the best interest for our oldest, she is a sensitive soul and needs more care. We would like to grow our family and we want to give back and help those who in need. Heavenly father has blessed us with 3 beautiful children and we feel this our way of saying thank you by giving other children homes that need them. I have lost my way, I was so focused on adopting and having a forever family that I forgot about the real reason to do foster care and that is that these kids need a loving home. With this break it will give me time to focus on my kids and  regroup and retrain my thoughts to be a better wife, mom, foster mom and to take care of myself.
The adoption day, lets say it was one of my top 5 best days of my life. A huge burden was lifted, these two kiddos were part of our forever family. I couldn't stop smiling, everything was perfect. We had family and friends that celebrated with us. And the sealing day, it was everything I ever imagined. As we were being sealed I was looking around holding my kids hands and saw everyone I loved in the room (we were missing some, but I know they were with us in spirit) and it just felt perfect. I love spending time with family and friends, I can't think of anything else better to do in life, well maybe sleep, but who has time to sleep anyways.

Foster/Adoption update: The light at the end of the tunnel

 It has been an interesting learning journey for me for the last 3 years ever since I became a mom. I'm not a highly emotional person, I'm more of a logical person black and white kind you might say. You do something wrong you get in trouble, your upset about something, fix it. With my kids, I have had to adapt my thought process, why because if they break a rule they aren't doing it because they want to get in trouble they are needing something from me or my husband and they don't know how to express it and they are feeling insecure if you will still love them even if they break a rule, or if they are upset, guess what they can't fix it and neither can I. And sometimes they need a good cry and someone to hold them. Like most mom's  out there I have been stretch to my limit I feel, and just when I think I can't do it anymore I get stretched even further. I have learned that it's ok to let myself cry or to go to my room and maybe yell in my pillow for a little bit. (I know, you are all thinking CRAZY) People come up to me all the time and say some pretty stupid things, that are hurtful and that are pretty funny because they have know idea. When people find out I do foster care, people have a gazillion questions and I really don't mind answering them, I love to talk about it. I was pretty ignorant about the whole "mommy war" I knew people judged people, who doesn't judge you would be lying to yourself if you said you never looked at another mom and pass judgment how she dealt with her kids. I have had mom's who have shook  their heads at me, other mom's who have told me that I shouldn't be bottle feeding my child I should breast feed and I have other mom's tell me that I'm raising my kids wrong and more. I would never dream of telling other mom's how to raise their kids, one it's hurtful and two it's none of their business. It's no secret I have been raised in the church by a good family, were we perfect oh NO, but we tried and I can honestly say I had a wonderful and happy childhood. I want that for these kids who come in my home those who I keep and those who I don't. But it's hard to do that when these kids have had so much trauma in their life and can't seem to forget it either. And when they have visit with their biological family it's hard for them to forget about their pass and move on. And that is where all their mix emotion comes in. I will never forget my 6 year old boy's face on his birthday. He just came home from his visit at his dad, I had the house decorated for him, and his favorite meal and we sang happy birthday and he was  trying super hard not to be happy. In his mind, he can't be happy here, and why would this family care about me, my real home is with my biological family. I will never know and understand what a child is going through or thinking in my home, I can't relate or understand. But I do know this, I wont give up on them, that I can promise. Some changes have happen for us in the last 2 months, our oldest one went back to his biological and now the 2 year old little girl went home. The number one comment I get every time is, "it must be hard, when the kids leave" don't get me wrong, it's a weird and sad feeling. The first kid we sent back, I cried, he was our first. But the last two, it's a feeling of I can't change a thing. It's more of a helpless feeling or a feeling of deep sadness of their future. Each time a child leaves a little hole is made, you helped shaped a little person, and gave them a shimmer of hope and light in their life and it is taken away in a instant. Nobody is taking the child's life serious by the state, what it does to them sending them here or there. We as parents always want to shield our kids from the evils of the worlds, but how can you shield a child from things if they already have seen or felt the evils of the worlds. How can you help if the child has been through more then you have in your entire 33 years of life. It's a million dollar question, one I search for everyday.
Kid time!
The 6 year old, well he finished kindergarten it was a long year for me and the teacher. You know the song "everyone knows your name" from the show cheers, it's pretty funny because  when you walk through the school everyone knows the boy's name, not because he is popular kid it's because he was sent to a lot of people's classes and to the Principal's off probably every other day for one  thing or another. He had a hard time with authority he didn't like people telling him what to do. Plus this was the hard part he never learn from his mistake, he kept making the same one. You could give him all the rewards he ever wanted but no reward would help him not do the same mistake. But we finished, and on May 31st he returned to his biological father. We had him for 2.5 years, and we loved him, our family doesn't believe in giving up. It was hard because I know the situation is no good. His dad is a dud, and not that we are perfect but I know it's better then where he is going. Will never get to see him ever again. People always ask, if he got removed again would you take him in again. Sadly our answer is NO, the reason why is I have to look out for my kids that I already have, my kids are still young and I have to make sure I don't have too many disturbance in the home. It was really sad, and rude of the state because I got a phone call that day saying we are picking up the child have it's stuff ready. We really had no time to prepare or have a proper goodbye. Plus he didn't understand either, he kept saying so I will never see you again, I said no and he would respond with this is a sad day. And it was, but life has to go on and so do we.
The sibling, well good news back in April 18th the rights of the parents were severed, and we get to start the process of adopting! I had really mix emotions that day in court, we have fought for so long for these kids and to see the rights taken away from the biological mother just like that was hard. People had to testify against the mom and it was all negative and the mom just sat there emotionalist. She has Asperger and other mental health problems. It all went over her head, she didn't seem sad or happy. The mom came up to me after and I said how are you doing, and her response was I'm doing fine. Like nothing has happen. It broke my heart to see her leave knowing that she has no support system and she needed someone to take care of her. Obviously she is unable to take care of her kids but it's still sad, she gave birth, she created them. We feel so bless and thankful that we get to keep them and they get to be part of our forever family. It's hard to think that something so negative can happen in life to another family, or to these kids but yet in the end something so beautiful as to we get to adopt these sweet spirits. We are just so grateful!
The other girl, she has been super challenging  for Tom and I. She has a speech problem, walking issues because she is pigeon toe, along with the speech issues she has a communication problem, she doesn't understand what we are saying to her. She says yes to everything even if you didn't ask a yes or no answer. She doesn't know how to play with toys or have any interest in playing with them. She has social anxiety, we can't go out in public anywhere with out her having a melt down because there are other people around and we are not in the home. She doesn't know how to chew her food, she holds in in her mouth and lets it turn into liquid to swallow it. We have been starting from the beginning as if she is a newborn, to teach her everything because of the neglect caused to her. The last 4 months have been long, but she has been sent to another foster home because the Case manager wanted her to be in a home with her sister and she found a home that was able to take both of the girls. It will be a good thing for her to be with her sister but I don't know thing it will be a good thing to be moving her again because she is having a hard time and we have come a long way with her. It is out of our hands. I can only wish her luck, and tell her that we love her very much.
Changes are always going to happen in our home, some good some not so good. It's an interesting journey to be on, who knows how long will be doing foster care it takes a toll on you fighting all the time and in the end you get NOTHING. All I know we have to keep on trying just like each and every one of us as parents. Thanks for reading my blog, and letting me vent sometimes and ignoring my horrible grammar, I know I'm not a writer but I want to document my feelings and my life here.

Foster/adoption: Life with 5 little kiddos

We are a family of 7! It's crazy to think we have 5 kiddos under the age of 6, we have a 6, 3, two 2, and a 1 year old. Life is never boring and we are always on the go. When our oldest turned 6, it opened up our license to take in another kid under the age of 5. By law and the licensing you are only aloud to have 4 kids under the age of 5 in your home. Which totally makes sense cause anymore, you are just asking to go crazy. Both my husband and I were feeling that we were in a good place with the kids, we have a nice flow going for awhile now and that we could handle another kid in our home. Tom and I are not going to be doing foster care forever and we are definitely NOT getting any younger. And we don't know how many kids will end up adopting but we felt that we need to take every opportunity we can. The number of children are growing everyday for kids coming in the system, and this is our time to help and give a home to as many kids we can. Not enough homes are out there for as many kids that are coming into the system. More and more kids are going into group homes, and more and more kids are staying in the DCS office, until they can find or hope they get a home for these kiddos.  It broke my heart when I went to pick up our latest addition I saw about 13 kiddos at the office hoping to find a home for the kids, some of them have been at the office for days. But what really gets me upset and breaks my heart is the foster homes these kids are going to. I'm hearing more and more from case mangers from the state and our agency the way they treat the kids,  like a paycheck. These kids come from a bad situation and they go into another one, maybe not as bad but the fact is these kids need to know what a "real family" is what "real love". Both Tom and I know that we are not perfect parents but we do know that we are trying and we make mistake but what parents doesn't. Even when we make mistake we make sure that our kids know that we love them. The system is broken, I can't imagine it ever changing if only life was more black and white but we seem to have and find more grey. People have "rights" and when people have rights they feel its they get to take or do whatever they want. I'm grateful for my rights but that doesn't mean I get to hurt whoever I want to get what I want. And with all these kids in the system they are coming from parents who have take advantage of their rights and continue to so. I will never understand system, why the parents don't have consequences for their actions or as they continue hurt their child by not showing up. I heard a concept awhile ago, it's called the "fairy godmother theory" I have been guilty of this many of times. What it is you trying to fix everything at once and right away. The problem is the child doesn't need a fairy godmother they need someone to love them and just be with them in the present. When a child is removed, they have been hurt, physically emotionally and you can't change what they saw, heard or felt right away, it takes time to heal for a child or anyone. I want to always take their pain away and make or give them a "normal" childhood. I have had many lessons  from my kiddos, and the main one is it takes TIME. And when I have those moments of peace and success it is the most wonderful moment and best learning experience one can ever ask for. Now Lets talk about each of the kiddos!
The 6 year old, we are going backwards with him these days, as I mention before he will be returning back to his father soon. And because of that he has turned off or shut down. He has this attitude of I don't need to listen to you, you are not my family and I will not be living with you anymore. And it's sad to say that's pretty normal. Now when he will be leaving or if, who knows. I feel bad for the teacher, she is has it worse, he takes everything he learns and hears from the his dad's home and repeats it, and of course it's all inappropriate. We get a phone call about once sometimes twice a week from the teacher or the principal. But we take it one day at a time.
The little girl and the red head, there case is moving as slow as a snail but it's moving. They haven't had a visit since before Christmas and the cousin, which is AMAZING. Those visit have caused so many health issues it's unbelievable. The little red head is finally sleeping through the night, and he has been comfortable and loosen up in life. He knows where his home is and isn't confused being tossed around from one adult to another. The little girl, we have our ups and down some days are better then the other. She is a highly emotional little girl and sometimes things gets too hard to handle but it is getting better. On April 18 and 20th we will have our severance trial for their rights to be terminated from the mother, and after the trial the judge has 60 days to make a decision which most judges do take that full amount of time for some reason. And after that we can start the process to adopt the kids. Our prayer is by the end of the year or before.
The new girl, we know very little about. We picked her up on March 1st, and she was found on the streets wondering late Friday night on February 26th. They didn't have a home for her to go to, until opened up our home for more children. She was our first phone call and well the rest is history. It has been a hard transition for her, she is scared and isn't adapting very well. She isn't eating very well either, she likes to hold food in her mouth never swallowing and she ends up drooling it all out. I had a teaching moment, on the second day we were up stair and my two younger boys were getting into trouble as usual, and yelled out BOYS!!!!! And she freaked out, and crouched and put her hands on her head and started crying. Like every child there is a learning curve, because you have NO idea what they have been through, as that moment I knew I had to adjust my parenting skills FAST. No child should be scared in my home, my home is suppose to be a safe place for them. We are adjusting, it will take some time for us and her too, but we will get there it just takes time.
Motherhood is hard enough as it is, but to raise a child that isn't yours or that has gone through trauma in their short little life has been harder for me. There are days I didn't know I was going to make it but I know that God is always with me and is always carrying me when I can't do it anymore. I'm so grateful for this opportunity I get to care for these special children in my home. I always hear from people that these kids are so "lucky" or "blessed" to be with Tom and I but they aren't I have grown so much in the last 3 years as Mom, I had to adapt and learn FAST. If anything we are so lucky and bless, I will be forever changed because of these special spirits in my home. People say this to me on a daily basis, "how do you do this" and to be honest I don't. I'm never alone, my husband Tom who is a wonderful husband and father, I have good family and friends and I have an amazing sister who is a phone call away to be in my home when I need her, most important I have my savior and heavenly father who seriously carry me everyday and guide me. Being foster mom hasn't been easy but it has been worth it.

Foster/adoption: Recap for 2105

It's amazing that 2015 is over. 2015 brought us a lot of joy and good memories and it brought us some new challenges. I'm a huge recap kind of person, for example at the end of the day at night while I'm laying in bed I think of everything that happened that day, what road blocks I encountered with the kids. It always amazes me how everyday is different with the kids and how as a mom I have to evolve. Most of the time I seem to fail at the challenges the kids throw at me but at the end of the day I always tell myself, "At least they are still alive!". It's been hard for me as a mom, even though most of my kids are not mine I still consider them mine, not a day goes by where I think they are not but you have those moments more often than you think, when someone comes from the state and tells you how to raise "your" kids, or the Biological parents tells you how to raise their kid even though they are living with you and I know more about their child than they do. It's hard to share, especially when you do the work.


I'm always talking to people explaining the foster system and helping people who are interested in fostering, I share a lot but the two pieces of advice I always make sure they understand is first, be easy going, and the second is prepare to share. You have to be easy going, the state will change things and things might not go your way in court for the kids and there is NOTHING you can do, and you have to accept it. If you dwell on it, your years as a foster parent will be short because you will always be angry and that is not healthy for the child or you. Not to say I don't get mad but I have to forget about it and remember to focus on the child and hope for the best next time. The kids are NOT yours and you are sharing with 5 other people and all 5 of those people have different opinions about the child and they may see the child once a month if that. It's hard but like I said you adjust and you have to be easy going.


Another thing that has been hard for me, is on average, I get a phone call from DCS (which used to be CPS), asking if I have room to take in another child, otherwise they go to a group home. I hear the worst stories about what happens to these poor children and there has been a couple of times after the phone call I have to go to my room and cry for these kiddos. It breaks my heart to say no, but I have no room and 4 kiddos under the age of 5 is already kicking my butt! You want to save them all but you have to take care of the ones you have first, it's a hard lesson to accept. Enough about me, lets talk about each of the kiddos.


The five year old boy, he is still in kindergarten and he is up to speed with his education. He is starting to read and spell out his own words and do math but his behavior is the WORST! I have said this before but I really didn't know you could get kicked out of class or sent to the principal's office in Kindergarten, but you can. His issues are doing what the teacher has asked, he wants to do what he wants and there is no talking him out of it. And then it explodes and that's when he is kicked out of the class because there is no reasoning with him to calm down. There is nothing to motivate him to try to make good decision, he can't get past the idea that he has to listen to another adult. On average I get a phone call from the school once, sometimes two times a week. He has had some good days and they have been consecutive but after two good days he likes to sabotage himself. It's too much pressure for him to have good days. We keep going on, we have some good days and we try to focus on the positive and hopefully he sees that positive attention is WAY better than negative attention. Some more sad news, the judge has ordered to expedite him to go home. Which sounds awesome to be reunited with his family but it isn't. The judge wants him back by April or at least super close. He will be reuniting with his Dad and I will be honest the dad is a walking mess. He has a temp job, and his hours are from 2 to 11pm, which means the dad will NEVER see his kid. The dad lives near his brother who also has an open case right now with DCS. The dad's father is abusive, the dad has a 8th grade education, so there will be no motivation for the 5 year old to do school, which he needs, I have to push him to do things now. The dad has NO positive support system and he has taken a psych evaluation and it came back saying "dad can parent but only if he has support system." I can go on forever, but it only breaks my heart for this kids future. I have expressed my concerns, so we'll see what 2016 brings for our 5 year old.


The little girl and her brother, the red head, finally something positive is happening for their case. I have been complaining about their behavior for so long. The judge has finally made an AMAZING decision for these kids, the court is finally looking out for the kids and not for the parents. They have suspended all visitation with biological family. It has caused so much heart break for these kiddos. A therapist has diagnosed both of them with PTSD. (post traumatic stress disorder) It's been super hard for them, they go to these visits and they start crying and tell them they don't want to be there, the red head can't take very good naps or sleep through the night because he is scared that Tom and I will leave him. The little girl is regressing is her mental behavior, she has a hard time getting her emotions together because she isn't able to cope with everything that is going on. She doesn't understand why she has to see her "mother" which she doesn't acknowledge her as her mom or her presence at all. If the mom does go near her, she starts yelling and crying, telling her to get away from me. And the little girl tells her biological mom that she wants to see me and be with me. I can't imagine what the biological mom is going through or feeling. But with their visits having been suspended is a good thing, cause it is REALLY hard to suspend them because first over all the parents have the rights, they need to be taken care of, but because this is becoming detrimental to the children, and it is already moving towards severance the judge felt it was appropriate. Some good things that could happen, after the next court date the biological mom's lawyer could convince the mom to stop contesting, because like I mentioned before it's really hard to stop visits and at that point if the visits have been stopped that means there is no point to fight, the judge has already made a decision. We could start the adoption process a lot sooner! But every judge is different and he could make us wait until April 18th and a lot depends on the mom's lawyer and if they want to convince the mom to stop fighting. Here is to hoping for good things for these kiddos.
We have a lot to look forward for in 2016, our family is changing, there will be some good changes and some negative changes but whatever comes our way it will bring us closer to each other and our Heavenly Father. Happy 2016 everyone!

Foster/Adoption Update: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

A couple of posts ago I mentioned that the little girl was going to be severed on September 28th and October 5th, those were the trial dates, and we were SUPER excited because that means we get to start the process of ADOPTING HER!!!! My heart broke again, they postponed the trial AGAIN! All because some dumb lawyer didn't file his paper work. The trial date isn't until April 18th of 2016! Let me tell you too what that one piece of paper that they were suppose to file said, HOW MANY DAYS SHE IS HAS BEEN IN THE SYSTEM! That's it! When we arrived at court and they mentioned that I was most depressed. I want it to end for her so bad, this isn't just for me it's for her and her mental health. The girl has been in the system since June 18th of  2013! We are her third home, which means all before she was 2 she had three different moms! That is a lot for a little one to take in and process. She is a very emotional one, and as she is getting older she is getting more verbal at expressing her feelings. About two visits ago she was crying the whole visit, saying she wants to go home. She refused to get out of the car when she came home until she saw me. As we were in the house and we talked about our feelings and other things, and as she was crying on my lap, she said over and over again "don't ever leave me again". After that moment, I emailed everyone  that is on this case and said we need to end this NOW! This little girl has suffered enough! I have yelled at the kids attorney, asking them are you even helping these kids?!?!?! I asked if you are doing your job to protect these kids because I feel like you are NOT. Of course it does nothing, but it made me feel better to yell at someone.
The girl's little brother the red head! I feel like his case just keeps on getting worse and worse. And his little 1 year old body is not reacting in the best way. I can't leave him alone ever! He can't take a nap by himself, he does a new thing now if I leave him long enough by himself and when I say leave him meaning I'm still in the house but just not in the same room, he makes himself throw-up. Lets just say I have cleaned up a lot of throw-up in the last month and hasn't been because of sickness. He still has visits with the dad's cousin and still cries. A couple of visits ago the cousin asked me if he is having a hard time with these visits, I said YEAH! And she said oh, is there anything we can do. I looked at her, like she was some idiot, are you really asking this question?!?! Yeah you can stop these visits and let him be a "normal" child. I told her visits are hard on children, it confuses them, who are they suppose to attach to and love? And her response was, well these visits are hard on us too. That blew my mind, how selfish can you be, it's not about you, it's about the child and what's best for the child. They didn't even know he existed until he was 3 months old. The dad did stop doing visits with him after 4 times of seeing him, he doesn't want anything to do with him. Which made me so happy one less person in this kid's life.
Our eldest, same things, same problems, in the principal office for the same things. Everyday is a new day we have some good days and a lot of bad ones. We work on expressing ourselves, for example using our words and how we are feeling, limiting our daily 2 year old tantrums, he is 5. Lets just say my patience level is thin some days more then others. His dad has been canceling his visit for over a month now and it's interesting to hear his response, and they are usually, "oh man, now I'm not going to get anything" He has now associated his dad with stuff  and when I say stuff I mean power aids and hot Cheetos lol. He has never had an attachment with his dad, his dad took off a little bit before he turned 2, because he thought the mom was crazy, which she is and that is why the kids were taken away from her. Really, how can you get to know someone if you see them once a week for 2 hours and not consistently. We are coming up on two years for this little guy and his case is the same as the day we got him.
Everyday is a new day, I never know who I'm going to get a phone call from. I probably get about 3 to 4 phone calls a month from CPS asking if we would take in more kids. And every time I have to tell them no after I hear about the kids sad story. These sweet innocent children, that I hear about have so much harm done to them it's unreal. It breaks my heart to think that someone, a PARENT, could do that. We all have short comings, I know I do but in the end it's all about learning to control our urges, desires and our tempers. Which is easier said then done, but it is possible. AZ has been sending out letters and emails for the last 3 months BEGGING us other foster families to take in more kids. They have these shelter homes that are only suppose to have these kids no longer then 72 hours when taken from a home and the kids are staying longer because there isn't enough homes. They said they have a higher need for families to take in 0 to 5 year olds. Can you imagine a new born NOT having a home. Oh it makes me sick to my stomach. My heart wants to take in more but my brain says your plate is full, which it is but it's hard to think that a child doesn't have a home or loving parents to take care of them. In the last two years of starting this journey, I have gained a testimony of family and what is really means to have one and to grow up in the church knowing who I am and what is my purpose. As a lot of parents know you give up a lot when you have kids and it's not a bad thing it's just a different season in your life. Do I miss my "Me time", oh yeah I sure do but who doesn't! But I would give up my "me time" any day for my kids just to know that they have a stable environment and that they know that they have someone who loves them. Our family is different but we are a family, and in our house family comes first. The parents I have met today they can't give up there "me time" and are not willing to, they say they want their kids back but are not willing to give up anything to get them back. And it's a hard cycle to break because a lot of the parents I have met have come from the same background they are giving to there child right now! These people are wandering around this earth, not knowing who they are or where they are going. Having the gospel in my life has made me a stable person, I know what is important because of it. Life is hard, but to start off in this world with problems, not having someone loving you, truly loving you, I can't imagine.

Foster/Adoption: Fighting the good fight

Life gets pretty busy over here, meetings, paper work, Dr's appointments and bio-visits fill our daily lives over here in the Drury home. It doesn't leave us with much time for fun, which is hard for me, because I feel like it doesn't leave room for the kids to act like kids. We all know the health system is crappy, they all look for a quick fix and the cheapest way to cure. I can say that I am grateful  that I don't have to deal with the insurance part, it's free for us to take the kids pretty much anywhere and no co-pay or the billing part afterwards, one less thing to worry about. Lately we have been going to different medical appointments to see if the kids can get therapy. We have seen therapists, psychiatrists and other medical "experts". I'm not against medicine or therapy but when they come up with ridiculous things to "solve" the problem, and let's be honest, you as a Mom know your child best even without going to school for those certain degrees. Each kiddo I have been fighting and trying to make people see and understand what is going on with their lives but it's really depressing because I feel like nobody hears you.


Our eldest, we have been seeing lots of people. Lets start with the beginning I have been trying to get this kid help for over year now because his issues are way beyond my expertise and the Internet search expertise. Let me describe this kid, first all the positive, he is very polite, uses his manners, he speaks very well and can talk the talk to anyone. He is very athletic and good looking kid, sounds like a great kid. So you ask what is the problem???? Why does he need help??? Life is very hard for this kid, he doesn't know personal boundaries, the kid loves to be in people's face, and you ask him why are you in some one's face???? And his response is I want to play with them... uhhh why didn't you ask??? He doesn't know how to play with toys, his definition is of playing with toys is walking around with the toy object in his hand, not making a sound just walking around with it. My other kiddos know how to play with toys and he will come and take their toy away from them because he sees that they are having fun and laughing and after he had the toy for less then a minute, he drops the toy because he isn't having the same type of "fun" as they are. He has NO imagination. He can't be alone, or not say something. He will ask you the most retarded question you will ever hear in your life, things he already knows but its the first thing he has come up with because I haven't said or done anything in 5minutes with him. For example the questions he will ask you, it can be the clothes he is wearing or someone else wearing but he has asked "am I wearing a shirt?" or we'll be in the car and he will say "are we in the car mom?" and you look at him and wonder are you really asking those questions???? His behavior is of a 2 to 3 year old, he will throw some major tantrums if things don't go his way. Like everyone else in this life, we all want to do what we want to do and have no one tell us what to do, I know I do but that is not how life works. He has a hard time with authority he will fight you for what he wants to do, he wants what he wants no matter the cost. The next thing, I know the cause, but the kid will not defend himself, if someone is hitting him he will not fight back or block the hit or even run away. And that was from his background of abuse. But that is the thing I fear for him as he is starting his journey with school. We had an incident earlier this year with his biological brother from one of his visit, the brother has a list of problems but his brother with hitting my kid in private parts and nobody saw and my kid didn't do anything about it to stop him. It's hard to understand why he will follow anyone even if they are doing bad things or doing bad things to him but he wants to be accepted. The other major thing that he does is he is very manipulative. This kid knows how to say to do the right things to get what he wants. It's not even for objects most of the times it can be as simple as a hug or even to pay attention to me. You would think we didn't pay attention to this kid or give him the attention he needs. But what he is doing is making sure people are on his side and that they wont hurt him. There are lists of other things but those are my major issues that I'm trying to get help for him. We had our first meeting with some "expert" and I told everything and after her report she said she thinks he has Aspergers. I laughed and then we saw psychiatrist and she said oh no he doesn't have Aspergers he has ADHD. And she wanted to start him on medicine right away. Oh I shut that down right away! And we have seen about 4 other different "experts" and some look at me and say there is nothing wrong with your child, and some have said oh will get back to you. In a nut shall, I'm getting NO HELP! Like I said I'm not against medicine but you can not make that your first choice for things, medicine does help people but it doesn't help EVERYONE. Let's just say I'm having to be very creative over here.


The baby, his case is a MESS! This kid is one years old, and he has the most visits! This is his typical week for him, On Monday he has a visit with his bio dad, Wednesday he has a visit with his bio mom and later that afternoon he has a visit with the dad's cousin  and on Thursday he has another visit the bio dad. Each visit is 2 hours, and with drive that comes out to about 4 hours for each visit that he is gone out of the home. Who is this kid suppose to attach himself to???? Let me tell you it is the hardest for me to watch him go to each visit because I give him to the person that is picking him up and he cry's and looks at me like uhhh I want to stay, why are you giving me away????  There has been lots of tears going on in this house lol. After each visit I have to hold him for about a hour I try to put him down but he wont let me. And after a hour he wants to get down and play with the other kids. I have spoken and emailed so many people about this situation but in the end, it's all about the family's "rights" it doesn't matter what is happening to these kids we need to make sure the family's needs are met. The baby's half sister that lives with us she is being effected by all these visit's because she sees her brother very upset and she is a very emotional child in return she is upset and she starts yelling things like "hey give back my brother" "leave my brother alone" but like I said it doesn't matter if the child is having issue, it's about the parents and their rights.


I know what you are thinking, uhhh what is wrong with the mental health system and the foster care system?!?!? EVERYTHING! Life is weird the path it takes you on, and you wonder is this really worth it? You have to say to yourself it is, someone has to fight for these kids because the state isn't and even though I may not have a voice in things and I'm just a hotel for these kids until some parent can decide they what to be a "real" parent again to their kid you have to fight. By any means I'm not a good person more like I'm a nut job! But I am just a Mom who wants to have a family and this is the way we have to get our family.
PS sorry if I sounded like a Debbie downer, but this is life as a foster mom

Foster and Adoption: Disappointing News

I don't want this blog to have a bad vibe to it but it really is hard some times to stay positive when dealing with the foster care system. I'm really not a Debbie downer, to warn you about this post it is a little bit negative. But I share so I have for my records and in case anyone is interest in doing this some day.
As most of you know on March 31st and April 1 our little girl was suppose to have her severance trial, meaning her mom was no longer going to have custody of her and we get to finally adopt her! Well my dream of this finally ending was shatter, it was postpone! To recap a little, she was suppose to be severed on Feb 14, 2014, last year. We got a call saying, there is a little girl that needs a home would you be interested in adopting her! We said yes, in the hope that we are going to adopt her. Well they backed out of the trial that day and postponed it, and moved it for August of 2014, that got postponed to December of 2014 and that got postponed to April 31st 2015! And NOW that got postponed to.... wait for it....SEPTEMBER 28TH 2015! This poor little girl has been removed from her home since June 18, 2013. Are you ready for more depressing news, remember how she has a half brother the little red headed boy, well now the dad is still "involved" (he has done nothing, nor has he ever met his baby) but the reason he is "involved" is because he has a cousin that wants his baby and he wont let go of his rights unless he knows for sure that his cousin gets his baby. The cousin has wanted his baby from the beginning, well I should say 2 months later after he was born when they found out he is a father. There thing is they want to keep him in the family. They don't see his sister as family. The cousin is now bringing out the big guns and got herself a lawyer because she wants rights to this case. This is where I almost lost it, the cousin's lawyer said that if it's going to detrimental to the little girl to remove her baby brother, they would be willing to take her too! The judge did say no at this time but that fact that it is in the books that means that offer will circle back up again for that possibility. If that little girl is taken from us that means she will be removed from a home 3 times in her short little life that she has had. (she will be 3 this June) To show that the judge is not prejudice, he has granted the cousin have visits twice a month because he has denied them custody. It is so they don't come back and say they didn't have a chance to "bond" with the child. The thing we have going for us is "time" the longer they are with us the longer they will attach to Tom and I. And the court will have a hard time removing the kids.
As the little girl is getting older we have notice that she is changing like most kids but she is very confuse, you can tell she is thinking why am I seeing this other women every week when I live with this other family. Visits are very hard for kids, it is only beneficial to parents but very harmful for kids, it is a huge tease. My fear for the little boy, he still has visit with his mom every week and now twice a month with the cousin and if the dad does start doing something he will have visits once a week too. That is 3 different people he will see every week for a couple of hours. Which can lead to an attachment disorder, who is he suppose to attach himself too?!?!? And we wonder why we have so many mental problems in this world.
Now for my oldest, now he hasn't been technically been diagnose with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) but it's safe to say he has it. We have been trying to get him services for over 6 months now. And we have had people over multiple times and they find nothing wrong with him. The kid is good, he can put up a good show. Here is a link to an overview to what it is http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder
there are better sites but to give you a glimpse. Everyday is a new day for us with him, we work really hard to build him up but it's hard to fight his pass what happen to him. As for what is going on with him, he still has visit with his dad once a week, the dad loves the kids but doesn't want to do anything for them basically he wants people to do things for him. He is really happy where he is at right now just seeing him once a week. It's really frustrating to think that this case could and most likely dragged out for another year or so.
But we keep going, we try to live a "normal" life. We have our good days and we do have a lot of bad days.  There are days I have to let out a good cry to keep going, I have to show that I am strong for these kids because they don't have anyone else to be strong for them. I'm not looking for praises or compliments, because I am definitely not a very good mom, I am far from it. I really look up to these other women out there who have so much patience, and kindness and a sweet spirit about them to their kids. But I do what I do because I know this is what my heavenly father wants me too and I know he helps me everyday. I do love being a mom, and especially to these kids.
I could go on more sharing more but I don't want to bore you with my life.