After One Year

I'm not lonely. Someone - in her infinite wisdom - pointed out that doing things solo is not new for me. I was a solo act even before I wasn't.

My life is still intertwined with his in more ways than I'd like it to be. Mostly, these are financial connections. I just try to remind myself they are temporary.

I'm continually surprised by how deeply this has impacted my relationships. Mostly, the impact has been positive. I am generally overwhelmed by support and love and caring. Old friendships have strengthened, and new friendships have formed. Occasionally, though, being "New Barb" challenges my friendships. I'm not the same person I used to be, and my friends seem to be in varying places with their support of this. This isn't just an adjustment for me.

I am disappointed. I'm disappointed in him for not wanting to fight and work for us when things got tough. I'm disappointed in him for just giving up. I'm disappointed in myself for taking our relationship for granted, for not seeing that things got bad before they were beyond repair.

I'm not where I thought I'd be. Okay. I don't even know what that means. A year ago, I had no plan for where I wanted to be. I still don't. Maybe it's more accurate to say I'm not satisfied or comfortable with all aspects of where I am.

I still cry. I'm crying now. I'm considering staying in my pajamas and crying all day.

I've found new things I love - sushi, gin, Taylor Swift, Max Brenner chocolate, and eye liner (to name a few).

My pronoun use hasn't adjusted. "We stayed in a treehouse when we visited Seattle." "Our house is for sale." 

I'm damn proud that it's me who has built a new life. It's me who has found happiness in a new city. It's me who is satisfied with a new job. Those are the very things that he said would make him happy. Has he gone after them? Nope. But, I have.

Apparently, I'm also a little bitter. 

I have a stash of stuff from my married life. A box labeled "Wedding Dress," plastic bins of photos and letters, my rings. I can't sort through them yet, and I can't bring myself to just throw them away.

I get incredibly nervous thinking about seeing him (or someone who is part of his team) somewhere unexpectedly. 

I'm afraid of becoming one of "those" bitter divorced people - the woman who doesn't trust, who says negative things about men, who tells stories of her divorce, who commiserates a little too emphatically with other divorcees.