Hardened...

Being loved more than loving...

This is the lesson that I think I have refused to learn.

So to you:

I will no longer be your option or a choice among multiple others - I'll be the chooser.

I will not wait for you - I will leave.

You will not decide whether to keep me or not - I decide not to keep you.

You will not hurt me any more than you already have - I will stay out of your life and you in mine.

I will remember you - But I will create better memories.

I will stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong - It was a collective fault.

You were so many firsts - There'll be seconds for sure, but not with you.

We are a finished story - Reading 'us' again won't change the ending.

I will not love more - I will be loved more.

-o0o-

Before posting the entry above, I read it again and realized how hardened I have become. It seems that I have changed my values and have become so self-centered. 

I'ts a defense mechanism I guess. It's putting what I feel, my interests, above anyone's.  I feel I deserve to. I feel like its a natural inkling. I feel like its right.

I'm so scared that I would take extra precaution to guard myself from ever feeling that kind of pain again.

Hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.

Life Cheats...

Nagcomment yung dati kong estudyante sa isang photo that I posted on FB of me and some good friends having dinner. It read:

"Lagi ka naman masaya sir e, may cheat ka ata... Hehehe."

Expert tayo jan. I thought. Expert tayo sa pagpapanggap.

Totoo naman. Ang galing natin - magaling tayong magmukhang masaya.

Our laughs have been practiced to authenticity.

Our smiles have been painted to perfection.

And our eyes have been polished to a shine.

That's us - acting (thinking) like its a crime to be unhappy - kasi nga dapat GAY di ba?

Kung nag-post ka ng happy activities, ng happy messages... Kung nakakaya mong mag-host ng event o mag-facilitate ng activity despite - iisipin nila okay ka na.

That you're not hurting because you're functioning like its business as usual.

But deep deep inside whatever's left of your heart - is a weakened spirit trying very hard to keep it all together - keeping it all in.

Maybe because you don't want HIM to see you defeated - even if you know you are.

-o0o-

I feel suffocated most days - I couldn't breathe.

I am tied on going out and run the risk of seeing HIM and the Other together.

My walls are caving in and my arms are too tired already to fight the force.

I am giving up.

Of Wills and Shoulds

My Husband's Lover. It was a text from SHE

No, I didn't have anything to do with it. ME said when SHE answered my call.

Good. Pero ang galing ha, kuhang-kuha. Hehe. Ang universal pala ng sitwasyon natin. SHE

Gaga! Hahahaha. Pero, yeah, there is some comfort in the fact na hindi tayo alone on this. ME

We both laughed.

How are you? SHE asked.

Still in the process. ME

Hirap pa din ano? SHE

Oo - I've reduced all this to surviving everyday na lang. ME

You will get through this. SHE

And you will too. Alam ko you go through all this process again and again and again with every new guy. ME

It becomes routinary - the initial shock, the acceptance, the adjusting, the repeat. Siguro I'm way pass being tired - hindi na ako napapagod sa proseso, it just feels like its part of my system. SHE

It was the first time ME felt SHE defeated. Like there was no choice but to suck it all in. But ME was not to judge.

I would hug you right now if I can. ME

But you, SHE continued, you can still escape all this and not get stuck in the cycle I'm in. 

I will. I should. ME answered. We should do dinner this week.

We will. We should. SHE

Gaya-gaya! Hahaha. O, you pick me up after your Baclaran. ME

Hahaha. See you! SHE

Ang strong-strong lang ni SHE. ME said to myself.

-o0o-

Here's to will and should!

Never Again...

No, you will not hurt me again.

I promise ME that this will be the last time I'll ever feel this kind of pain from you.

Never again.

Sad...

It's the internal struggle that's the hardest.

You fight your heart - you fight your mind.

And it drains you completely.

I will be lying if I said I know what should be done or what's best for ME.

What I do know is all these thoughts - all these feelings are killing the best of me.

Truth is, I'm scared that something like HE and ME will never happen again in my life.

That I feel that it was all my fault - why HE left - why HE looked for someone else.

And that I know that my heart will hurt again twice as much but I can handle it.

But I also know that trust will be absent.

What I need and what I want are analogous at this point.

So I'll just be still - stagnant.

And I'll trust that after all the rain, there will be clearer skies and I can look up again and get blinded by so much light that it illuminates me.

This song perfectly relays whatever it is I cannot say:

Man, it's been a long night

Just sitting here, trying not to look back

Still looking at the road we never drove on

And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

Oh, but I'm scared to death

That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

Here's to looking forward to basking in sunlight again.

Why on a Monday?

And just like that, all my attempts of moving forward crumbled.

I know myself, I know what my deep-seated hopes are and I know too that I was just waiting for HE's first move.

I'm sorry.

Hay - and why all this on Monday?

Naku naman talaga...

Bawi-bawi Lang...

I woke up to the sound of water squishing and an open faucet last Sunday. I went straight to the bathroom and found this:

Farmer Boy was doing my laundry and with so much gusto I might add. I felt like my clothes are being ripped to pieces with how hard he squeezes them. It was sexy so I took a photo.

O, nagising kita. Matulog ka lang muna. M said when saw me finally.

Ano yang ginagawa mo? ME

Nagluluto. M

Adik ka. Ibig kong sabihin - bakit mo nilalabahan yan. Ako dapat gumagawa niyan. ME

M just smiled.

Tama na yan, ako na yan mamaya. ME

Huling banlaw na 'to. Timpla ka na lang ng kape natin sakto pagkatapos nito. M said.

I just stood at the bathroom door.

O, huwag mong sabihin nahihiya ka pa. Nak*ntot na kita at lahat mahihiya ka pa sakin. M joked.

E, nakakahiya naman kasi talaga. Gamit ko yan, dapat ako gumagawa niyan. ME

Konti lang naman. Sige na, pagbigyan mo na ako dito. M

I pouted then went to make coffee.

-o0o-

Hindi mo kailangan gawin yun. ME said. 

We were on the sofa already, M was done with the laundry and I was done hanging them.

Alam ko. M

E bakit mo pa din ginawa? ME

M just smiled again.

I didn't push it as he was already enjoying watching Erik Santos singing on ASAP plus he'll just answer with a smile again.

Ganito siguro siya bumawi - sa mga pagkukulang niya sa ibang bagay. I thought

Tapos na-isip ko, pinaparamdam ko kasi na may pagkukulang siya. Hindi naman maiisip ni M yun kung hindi ko pinaparamdam sa kanya. Masama din talaga ako.

I should not make anybody feel insufficient because I know how it feels. I'm lucky that someone would do my laundry for me - M's not the first to do it for ME - but the initiative is very much appreciated.

I was looking at the TV and said to M: Alam mo, hndi mo kailangan bumawi sa akin. Huwag na huwag mong iisipin na kailangan mong maglaba o maglinis o ma-utusan. Kung may dapat gawin - gagawin nating pareho, sabay at magkatulong. 

M did not reply.

I looked at M and...

He was asleep.

LOL!

Oh well.

Here's to feeling that you are enough and making him feel that he is enough as well.