This and this and even this are not ME.
I'm turning into someone I don't like and I guess that just draws the line for me.
I've told a good friend I have to choose by the end of the year what's really best for me, but why wait?
Sure there's hope for things to be better or at least for things to go back to the way they used to be but prolonging the choice won't make it any more right or wrong.
A decision needs to be made now and I'm choosing me.
My relationship with HE should make us both better persons but with the way things are, looks like its not turning out that way for me.
I don't want a culture of distrust.
I don't want to be the confrontational b*tch.
And I don't want to fight for lost battles anymore.
Sure I might be acting from impulse and sure I will have regrets but I can deal with HE or J and whatever they become but me, it would be hard for me to deal with a Self that I don't like.
So here goes.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
No, ME's different...
Kid, don't confuse sex with love. Hindi porke tinitira ka niya mahal ka na niya - don't delude yourself with false hopes. ME talking to J.
That *ss - wait, b*tch's the better term - that B*TCH needs to hear a piece of my mind and so a piece of my mind he did hear.
Wala akong ginagawa. J
Meron, ang obvious mong maglandi. ME
Kanino? J
Please! Spare me. Stay away from my man. ME
I am, siya ang pagsabihan mo. And please, don't go directly bashing on me when you haven't even had any retrospect why he would consider me again. J
Natigilan ako. Hindi ko masabing it's not about what HE wants but the fact that HE's in a relationship and that J should be decent enough to stay away.
Karma -you wouldn't want that J. I wouldn't want that too. Look, I'm hoping your a good guy and I'm pretty sure you know where I'm coming from so just stop. ME
The line went dead.
-o0o-
Ang p*ta harap harapang nang-aagaw. Wala siyang pakialam if HE's with ME - panay ang landi niya kay HE - ang kiri!
HE's in Baguio this week and lo and behold J's post: I'm so urging to watch Breaking Dawn - kahit sa Baguio pa!
ME knows: why does J know HE's in Baguio?
ARRGHHHHHHH!
ME just really needed to confront J.
-o0o-
Hindi ako nang-agaw at kahit kailan, hindi ko masisikmurang mang-agaw.
ME would never deliberately ruin somebody else's relationship.
ME knows where I stand and how to stand where I am.
ME's not being self-righteous, but ME can staunchly say that ME have not broken SHE and HE's marriage or relationship. Largely because ME was dealing with adults who have come terms with their individual decisions.
But J, that stubborn piece of - arrggghhhh - does not know any decent bounds.
J's young and vulnerable and is very much ideal. He does not have the scars that ME do nor the wounds ME's trying to heal. ME's just hoping against hope he would not have them but if J persist - ME's very much willing to inflict them.
No that is not a threat.
ME's making a mark on ME's territory so them b*tches better not step the line.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
The Good Things...
Why'd you hold on for so long? ME asked Mama
Mahal ko e - what other reason do we have? Mama
ME am home for the long weekend to visit our dead and the living too - I guess.
Ganun ka-simple? Hindi ka ba nababaliw kaka-isip? ME
Kaka-isip sa? Mama asked while getting canned tuna from the grocery we were in.
When dad goes out for days or comes home late or when his excuses are not logical? ME answered
Where is this coming from - your questions? Mama
Uhmmm - from ME? They're coming from ME? ME joked
Boy trouble e? Mama
ME just smiled.
I got used to my doubts. Ganun lang yun - I learned to live with them and just focused on the good things. Mama said
Look, don't make your own ghosts son. Mama added when ME did not reply. And those doubts - they're gonna eat you alive like parasites do. So save yourself the trouble and just think of the good things.
Like what good things? ME finally said
Like he comes home to me despite. Mama started
Like the "good mornings," "good nights," and "have-you-eatens." ME added
Like the way he provides for you and our family. Mama
Like the time he always gives despite. ME
Like the fact that you have legitimate status. Mama
Like the way he attempts to make a valid excuse. ME
Mama and ME giggled a little on the last one.
There - go back to those things when you're not sure. And I know there's a lot more. Mama reiterated
I will Ma. ME answered back.
Okay. Now pay for our grocery. Mama demanded.
Ah, yun na pala role ko. ME laughed.
You are going to be ok. Mama looked straight into ME and concluded.
I know - anjan ka e. ME finished.
Mama squeezed my hand.
Home is really something...
Mahal ko e - what other reason do we have? Mama
ME am home for the long weekend to visit our dead and the living too - I guess.
Ganun ka-simple? Hindi ka ba nababaliw kaka-isip? ME
Kaka-isip sa? Mama asked while getting canned tuna from the grocery we were in.
When dad goes out for days or comes home late or when his excuses are not logical? ME answered
Where is this coming from - your questions? Mama
Uhmmm - from ME? They're coming from ME? ME joked
Boy trouble e? Mama
ME just smiled.
I got used to my doubts. Ganun lang yun - I learned to live with them and just focused on the good things. Mama said
Look, don't make your own ghosts son. Mama added when ME did not reply. And those doubts - they're gonna eat you alive like parasites do. So save yourself the trouble and just think of the good things.
Like what good things? ME finally said
Like he comes home to me despite. Mama started
Like the "good mornings," "good nights," and "have-you-eatens." ME added
Like the way he provides for you and our family. Mama
Like the time he always gives despite. ME
Like the fact that you have legitimate status. Mama
Like the way he attempts to make a valid excuse. ME
Mama and ME giggled a little on the last one.
There - go back to those things when you're not sure. And I know there's a lot more. Mama reiterated
I will Ma. ME answered back.
Okay. Now pay for our grocery. Mama demanded.
Ah, yun na pala role ko. ME laughed.
You are going to be ok. Mama looked straight into ME and concluded.
I know - anjan ka e. ME finished.
Mama squeezed my hand.
Home is really something...
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Holding on...
It's getting worse. ME can't think of anything else but HE's possible indiscretion with J. Saw J post this:
'Masakit tawaging kabit! But is it my fault if he likes me? Siguro, he's happier with me - hindi naman siya maghahanap kung talagang mahal ka niya!'
ME never called J 'kabit' but with HE's apparent admission that HE's with ME (and J knows that) ME can't help but think something-something is going on - again. Even more, the post preceded a picture of a condom.
Bastos siya! P*&^%$%# niya - BASTOS SIYA!
ME wanted to confront HE again: Did you have s*x with J? ME started to SMS.
But ME didn't send it - ME promised HE to try not being paranoid.
ME's affording him all the benefits of a doubt.
But ME needed release and drafted a tweet: P*&^%$@#!+ mga kabit kayo!
ME stopped.
Read the tweet again.
Sh*t, ME's part of that group.
What right do ME have to judge J when ME is exactly like him.
ME do not understand what or how to feel anymore.
Is this really the price ME have to pay for all of this?
Double sh*t.
But it is clear though - ME have two (2) options:
1. Get out! Leave and start anew.
2. Martyrdom.
And it is clear as well what ME is going to choose.
Triple Sh*t.
I need SHE.
I need my mom.
And I need HE most.
Sh*t infinity.
'Masakit tawaging kabit! But is it my fault if he likes me? Siguro, he's happier with me - hindi naman siya maghahanap kung talagang mahal ka niya!'
ME never called J 'kabit' but with HE's apparent admission that HE's with ME (and J knows that) ME can't help but think something-something is going on - again. Even more, the post preceded a picture of a condom.
Bastos siya! P*&^%$%# niya - BASTOS SIYA!
ME wanted to confront HE again: Did you have s*x with J? ME started to SMS.
But ME didn't send it - ME promised HE to try not being paranoid.
ME's affording him all the benefits of a doubt.
But ME needed release and drafted a tweet: P*&^%$@#!+ mga kabit kayo!
ME stopped.
Read the tweet again.
Sh*t, ME's part of that group.
What right do ME have to judge J when ME is exactly like him.
ME do not understand what or how to feel anymore.
Is this really the price ME have to pay for all of this?
Double sh*t.
But it is clear though - ME have two (2) options:
1. Get out! Leave and start anew.
2. Martyrdom.
And it is clear as well what ME is going to choose.
Triple Sh*t.
I need SHE.
I need my mom.
And I need HE most.
Sh*t infinity.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Duda...
Its either I'm paranoid or I'm insecure.
-o0o-
ME can't help but stalk J - if there's even a hint that HE is still communicating with him.
The other day, I found a post similar to what J posted when ME messaged him to talk about HE last year before the confrontation: Hindi ako nakikipagkumpetensiya sa'yo. Insecure ka lang - kawawa ka naman, walang gamot diyan.
ME froze.
Then ME called HE - twice and it were all unanswered.
ME texted: Why are you not answering my calls?
After two hours, HE replied: Nag-gym ako.
HE called.
Paranoid ka na naman. HE
What is it this time. HE continued.
J - you still communicate? ME
No. Galit yun sa akin. HE
Okay. ME
I'm really also trying very hard to not get paranoid, so give me time too. ME added.
What do I have to do? HE
I need you to constantly assure me that I should not be paranoid or get doubts. ME
Done. At 'wag masyadong paranoid - hindi healthy. HE
Wen. ME said
-o0o-
ME is insecure. J is really guwapo and ME's pretty sure there's a little more something-something J can do in bed - HE would not consider (to the least) a physical relationship with him if not.
Ano bang gamot sa insecurity? Ay oo nga, wala nga daw sabi ni J.
Sh*t.
So this is how it feels to have a constant cloud of doubt on your head.
ME's really trying hard to fight them. But at times, it just gets really strong that you're convinced that something is wrong and that your doubts - your gut feelings - are right.
ME guess ME just have to try harder.
But ME's praying harder that my doubts are wrong.
Sigh.
-o0o-
The next day, HE changed his profile picture.
And every time ME's in doubt, ME looks at the profile picture.
Here's to facing our own insecurities and other ghosts.
-o0o-
ME can't help but stalk J - if there's even a hint that HE is still communicating with him.
The other day, I found a post similar to what J posted when ME messaged him to talk about HE last year before the confrontation: Hindi ako nakikipagkumpetensiya sa'yo. Insecure ka lang - kawawa ka naman, walang gamot diyan.
ME froze.
Then ME called HE - twice and it were all unanswered.
ME texted: Why are you not answering my calls?
After two hours, HE replied: Nag-gym ako.
HE called.
Paranoid ka na naman. HE
What is it this time. HE continued.
J - you still communicate? ME
No. Galit yun sa akin. HE
Okay. ME
I'm really also trying very hard to not get paranoid, so give me time too. ME added.
What do I have to do? HE
I need you to constantly assure me that I should not be paranoid or get doubts. ME
Done. At 'wag masyadong paranoid - hindi healthy. HE
Wen. ME said
-o0o-
ME is insecure. J is really guwapo and ME's pretty sure there's a little more something-something J can do in bed - HE would not consider (to the least) a physical relationship with him if not.
Ano bang gamot sa insecurity? Ay oo nga, wala nga daw sabi ni J.
Sh*t.
So this is how it feels to have a constant cloud of doubt on your head.
ME's really trying hard to fight them. But at times, it just gets really strong that you're convinced that something is wrong and that your doubts - your gut feelings - are right.
ME guess ME just have to try harder.
But ME's praying harder that my doubts are wrong.
Sigh.
-o0o-
The next day, HE changed his profile picture.
And every time ME's in doubt, ME looks at the profile picture.
Here's to facing our own insecurities and other ghosts.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Of Choosing...
HE chose.
HE chose ME.
HE chose US.
-o0o-
You're not going out? ME asked HE
Its was 'that' day and HE should be with J.
HE smiled.
I'm right where I'm supposed to be. HE said
What about J? Is he sick? ME said
Hindi naman. HE said
ME looked at HE without saying a word.
I'm going to work hard to deserve you again. HE said suddenly
My face was blank but what HE said meant the world to ME.
And J? ME can't help but ask.
No relationship beyond physical. And I can work on that if you don't want to. HE said.
I don't want to. ME said outright.
J is different as HE considered a relationship with him so ME don't want HE with him even on a physical level - that's ME marking my territory.
Okay. HE said simply. Now cook me some bacon please. HE added.
ME smiled.
ME's heart did cartwheels.
Thank you. ME mouthed to HE.
I love you. HE mouthed back.
-o0o-
Here's to never loosing faith and fighting for your heart's desire.
HE chose ME.
HE chose US.
-o0o-
You're not going out? ME asked HE
Its was 'that' day and HE should be with J.
HE smiled.
I'm right where I'm supposed to be. HE said
What about J? Is he sick? ME said
Hindi naman. HE said
ME looked at HE without saying a word.
I'm going to work hard to deserve you again. HE said suddenly
My face was blank but what HE said meant the world to ME.
And J? ME can't help but ask.
No relationship beyond physical. And I can work on that if you don't want to. HE said.
I don't want to. ME said outright.
J is different as HE considered a relationship with him so ME don't want HE with him even on a physical level - that's ME marking my territory.
Okay. HE said simply. Now cook me some bacon please. HE added.
ME smiled.
ME's heart did cartwheels.
Thank you. ME mouthed to HE.
I love you. HE mouthed back.
-o0o-
Here's to never loosing faith and fighting for your heart's desire.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Like JD Torres...
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| Image edited by ME but lifted from: http://www.phstars.com/gallery/2012/08/the-mistress-publicity-photos/john-lloyd-cruz-5/ |
You tell me you love me, on the same breath you tell me that you care for another man!
-o0o-
ME could tell HE this... Perhaps.
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