well, we got home from the hospital late on tuesday night and the next few days were nothing short of a blur.
wednesday:
[originally posted on 2/19/15]
prim was still in the sleepy state and didn't open her eyes much. my dad and katie went to the gun range with my FIL while jon and i took the baby on her first walk!
i would daydream about taking my baby on walks my whole pregnancy, i couldn't wait to bundle her up in jon's old pram and get fresh air for both of us. we didn't walk very far, but it was nice to be out together as a family. it's not easy posting photos of me from this week, but i feel it is important. i scare myself when i look at them.
here is a proud daddy! he can't wait until little primmy can off road and camp with us!
on thursday the little darling had her first pediatric appointment:
i can't remember why, but i was crying when jon took this photo of us.
she weighed 7lbs 8oz. it is normal for babies to lose weight in the first couple weeks of life, but there is a point when you start to worry.
she cried during most of her appointment and the nurse practitioner assured us that her weight loss was okay. she was also a lactation consultant and said that if we came back next week she'd help me out. prim was starting to cry any time she was awake and breastfeeding was becoming very challenging. i was using a nipple shield and dousing the shield with grape flavored gas drops so that prim would latch. she'd scream so much that her mouth was bone dry. i'd dip my finger in water, rub it in her mouth and try to get her to latch.
flowers from my dad. :)
later that day katie and my dad made me get ready so that they could take pictures of me. i tried to hurry while i got ready, but i didn't want to do anything except lay in bed. the pictures were intended for the baby shower my aunt threw me while we were in utah in december, but they didn't actually get used.
the four of us took the baby on a walk, a little further this time, through the neighborhood in the nice weather.
by this time, jon and i were both exhausted and worn out. prim cried all day long and all through the night. my in laws are up at random times through the night on the regular, so after i would feed prim i'd text them and john would be up to take her to their room. he'd bring her back to me when she got hungry. on thursday night i had another shiver fit. i have a video jon took of me, deep heavy breathing, speaking incomprehensibly-i will spare you all. it was followed by a sweatfest. this is about the time jon started to have a breakdown of his own, so i told him to sleep in the guest room and let katie sleep with me. she and i laid in the bed with prim in between us and talked until we all fell asleep. at 7 am, i had a baby who was inconsolable. i finally took her outside, put her in her buggy, and pushed her around the circle wearing nothing but a diaper and a hat (the baby, not me). jon was asleep in the guest room at this time, so his dad came out and walked with me. he and i said nothing as i pushed my screaming, naked baby around and around our driveway. jon didn't wake up until 11am. he said when he looked at his watch and saw the time he was scared to come up to our room knowing i'd be mad at him. i didn't want to be upset, i knew he needed the sleep as much as i did, but i couldn't help but be jealous of his night of rest. that morning he decided to suck it up and go into deployment mode, he knew he didn't need sleep and complaining wouldn't help a thing.
friday:
my dad slept at the grandparents house next door and would come over at about 9am. he'd get prim up, pick out an outfit and get her dressed everyday so jon and i could stay in bed. such a saint.
"do you ever forget that her name is prim?"
"i passed out while i was feeding her, twice. i didn't fall asleep, i actually lost consciousness."
these are some of the things i remember saying to jon. i would close my eyes and have conversations with people out loud, open my eyes and they wouldn't be standing in front of me like they were when my eyes were closed. i kept telling jon over and over that something was wrong with my phone, it wasn't texting right. my eyes couldn't focus and my fingers wouldn't touch the right keys, i couldn't text anybody and thought that it was the phones fault. i would speak and jon wouldn't be able to understand what i was saying. he knew these things were weird, but just thought that i was even more tired than he was. i'd had two of those crazy shiver fits since being home. during one of them, jon fetched his dad to help give me a blessing. they put their hands on my head and jon started bawling. after the blessing and after falling asleep, i woke up to jon crying next to me. i was so exhausted that i couldn't console him or even say anything. i felt so lethargic, especially when i was in and out of sleep during the nights. he was so scared seeing me in such a state, these were bad, bad times.
we wanted to show my dad and sister jon's school, so on friday we packed up and made the trek out to his campus! it was raining and cold, we thought it was supposed to be a nice day so we didn't take jackets. i was wearing sandals and immediately got nervous about the weather, i knew all too well what would happen if i got cold. this time i wasn't home, though. we walked all the way to the bookstore and began shopping around. i was getting chilled and asked jon to please buy me a sweater. i kept asking my dad if i could just push prim back to the car and have them meet me there. i couldn't walk very fast and knew they'd catch up to me in no time, but he kept telling me no and that they were almost ready to go. the day they made me get out of bed and get dressed for pictures, this friday when they took me away from home to walk around jon's campus: they weren't being mean. they thought that i was being lazy and needed fresh air, no one knew how sick i was. i didn't know that this wasn't normal for a new mom, everything as horrible and i thought thats just how it was for everybody.
jon bought me a hoodie and we all hurried back to the car just in time for me to have a freeze out. this whole situation was horrible because my dad and katie both get carsick very easily and were crammed into the back with prim's carseat. the heat was on full blast while i sat shivering in the front. we were in the horrible san antonio traffic and we were all hungry-lets just say it was not a fun evening for anybody.
Prim was 6 days old on friday and we realized she hadn't even had a bath yet! we bathed her while she screamed and my dad and katie looked on.
we put her in jon's baby outfit and jon sat on the yoga ball and talked to her for forty minutes. he told her all about his land cruiser, moab, disneyland, etc. i laid in bed watching him with her, she wouldn't take her eyes off of him.
saturday:
katie's birthday!!! she and my dad went to the caverns near our house and to the gun range to celebrate.
while they were out, i made katie a texas sheet cake! she's never liked birthday cake, so all growing up my gran would make a sheet cake on her birthday. she shot guns, rode the horse, went site seeing, had texas sheet cake and rudy's barbecue for dinner. it was a very texan birthday indeed!
sitting on this wooden chair was the worst. i was in so much pain in my vagina and most importantly, my lower back. jon's dad sits in a comfy office chair at the dinner table. he let me sit on it most of the time while i was pregnant and now that i wasn't, i didn't feel right about taking it from him. jon made me though, he knew how much pain i was in. i couldn't get comfortable on that chair either and didn't stay downstairs for long.
katie made this onsie for our mystery gendered baby and gave it to me for my first month of pregnancy!
saturday:
katie was supposed to leave on friday so that she could be home for her birthday, but she extended her flight to be with us until sunday. i was so happy she did, but i didn't want her to leave on sunday either. before she left, we took the bows out and shot them. that is one of my favorite things, but i could only shoot it a couple times. katie liked it and my dad got a bullseye! she left at about 11am and i spent the rest of the day in bed. Ashton and aaron came over in the afternoon and brought smash burger to us. i remember eating half of my burger and discreetly folding the rest up in the wrap, i felt guilty not finishing the food they gave us. the boys went out to the back to shoot the bow and arrows and ashton and i sat on my bed and talked. my lips were chapped and my mouth was so dry i could barely talk. i was so exhausted and disoriented that keeping up with the conversation was extremely difficult. nothing i was trying to say was coming out right and i kept thinking that ashton was going to think i was insane.
my dad took these while i grumbled from bed. i kept trying to tell them to get my engagement ring for the pictures, but neither of them paid attention to me.
sunday night was by far the worst. i had so much pain radiating from my back that i slept out in our living room on the sofa so i could sleep on my side. my in laws had the baby all night, john would bring her up to me every few hours so that i could feed her and i'd just cry and cry. he definitely saw me at my worst. he was exhausted too, but tried not to show it. my jon was exhausted and couldn't do anything to help. he slept out on the sofa with me.
i should include that during this week i hadn't been drinking or eating, though it is not something i noticed. one morning john offered to bring me breakfast and i requested half an egg on half a piece of toast. he questioned this and i reiterated it to him. katie saw him making it for me and was very worried. i knew i had to be hydrating myself in order to be successful breastfeeding, and i truly thought i was. my mouth was so dry that talking was difficult and my lips have never been so chapped in my life. my vicodin had run out mid-week and i started taking as much ibuprofen as i could. i had alarms set all throughout the day so that i knew exactly when i could get another dose.
monday:
(these pictures are so funny to me. my dad bought me this wrap and kept trying to get me to try it on. i didn't have the strength to stand up for very long to figure it out, so he watched youtube videos and put it on himself.)
this was the day that everything finally came to a head. i was supposed to have a webcam job interview with my sister in laws company as well as a vet appointment for my dog. that morning, like every other morning, it took everything in me to get out of bed and put clothes on. i remember walking to the bathroom and looking at myself hunched over in the mirror. out loud i said "dad. this is NOT normal. i am over a week postpartum, i should be able to stand up straight." that's when he said "call the doctor." i called and set up appointment with a random doctor at my ob. i did my hair and make up, got dressed from the waist up (hey, it was an interview over the computer, he wouldn't know i was wearing leggings), and packed prim's diaper bag. everything was still sort of a mess because my interview was supposed to be like 45 minutes after my appointment, so my dad and jon were going to drop me off and find a starbucks that had good internet so i could interview right after my appointment.
sitting in the waiting room by myself, i started to cry. prim was out in the parking lot with my dad and husband and i was upstairs alone for the first time in almost a year. i remember my sister telling me that going to the bathroom after being pregnant was weird because she was actually alone, no baby in there to be her constant companion. i cried because i was in so much pain, everything had been so challenging, and i wasn't ready to be away from my baby. they called me back and started asking me questions like 'when was your last period' and 'are you breastfeeding?' i had to go to the bathroom and asked the nurse if i should collect my urine, she told me no. when the doctor came in to see me, he tapped on my back on both sides and i cringed in pain, he said he was pretty sure it was a kidney infection and that they would need a urine sample. i told him that i had just gone to the bathroom and the nurse told me not to save it, he said she'd have to give me a catheter. the nurse came in, had me spread my legs and started digging around for my urethra. here i am, 9 days postpartum with stitches and a supposed kidney infection, and she is all up in my business. it literally took her 15 minutes. by this time jon had come up to be with me and i was squeezing his hand moaning and groaning in pain. i kept saying, "that really hurts on the left side!! are you sure you're not touching my stitches???" she kept assuring me that she wasn't and continued to try to figure this out. it's as though she's never put in a catheter before!!!!!! finally, fifteen minutes later, she got it in and had to nerve to smile at me. i asked her "what is going on here on the left side? it really hurts." she said "oh, that's where your stitches are." i've never wanted to kill a woman so badly! i asked my dad to bring prim up to me since it was taking a lot longer than expected and i called to cancel my interview. the guy was very nice, he and his wife have a few kids so he understood. the doctor came back in and informed us that i did indeed have a kidney infection. he gave me two options-he could get me medication and send me home, or send me over to the hospital. jon told me later he thought to himself "i hope we don't have to go to the hospital." before even thinking twice about it i said "i want to go to the hospital." i had been in excruciating pain for too many days, i was not about to go home without getting this figured out. my dad brought prim up to me and i carried her in my lap while the nurses wheeled me across a skybridge to the hospital.
