Incase anyone noticed that I’ve stopped posting, it’s because I moved to a new blog. I’ve realized that this notebook of a blog has been with me for almost 5 years!
I’ll keep it open because I like my followers post’s and secretly reading them all but my new blog is here.
Check out this beautiful blog post!
My old friend from undergrad, (lets call her… Mindy) and I started talking more and hanging out. She’s become close again and even said “you’re doing a masters in a year, and thinking about law school or a phd already… I want to be like you and I will never betray you”
And it got me thinking… why do I have a complex with betrayal?
My answer: parents divorce, Ann, Ashley and Sally, and then later on Kate.
So why do things like people growing up and realizing how others haven’t grown with you, the most frustrating hurtful thing in existence of early adulthood?
When I met Sally, I was Ashley’s friend and confidant. She told me about how awful she was and so that made me not talk to her until our 4th year of friendship. That’s when I got to know her and learned how much I relate to and like about her.
4 years later, I started watching a show called Feminin / Feminin and one of the characters reminded me of Sally… Now lately I’ve been asking myself
Do I want to regress back to before I learned about what I see in other and what kind of values I want in friends, or do I want to say fuck it all and just follow this old crush I had on her (now that I’m of age)?
When “Harry” met Sally
It’s been about 9 years since I decided it was time to confront why I felt certain things for girls.
About 9 years since I asked Ella if we could kiss and see how we felt about it as an experiment one night at a slumber party.
About 9 years since I realized I like girls, and maybe that would make me weird or if it was a phase that I’d grow out of when I got to college.
And man… It was a lot for a 14 year old to comprehend at the time while juggling the new responsibilities of being a high schooler, coping with parents divorce, an abuser living at home, and being the stereotypical goth/emo with a hidden switchblade to run across her skin.
But fast forward 9 years later. 22, basically 23 year old finally encountering biphobia directed at her. In the wonderful world of Tinder (yes- at this point I use it to just make friends because looking for anything else meaningful seems to be impossible on there), I had my first biphobic encounter. Meet Brian, or Mr. Hey.
This guy’s profile cracked me up, so naturally I swiped right.
It seems like I’ll never understand biphobia… We are just like everyone else. We have standards, some more morale than others, and capable of doing monogamy.
So I ask: is that a problem?
This girl here, is a friend of mine from high school and it amazes me how strong she has become after the ordeal of her ex. Personally, I haven’t been in an abusive relationship and can only sympathize as an outsider so much.
In my family violence class earlier tonight, we actually saw the performance to Lady Gaga’s song and everyone in class visibly got the chills. It’s good to know that in higher Ed, we are sensitive enough to feel this sympathy towards survivors but as a society in whole, we still have A LOT of work to do to educate people on ways to control their anger in more productive ways as opposed to taking it out on family members.
Maybe then, the world would be less violent and a better place for everyone.
Happy Woman’s Day, everyone.
So while at work, I was talking to Brooklyn. I asked her if it was the alcohol talking from last night, and she said no it was just liquid courage. Then she went on and on about not being sure about relationships. I agreed on grounds that as long as the person isn’t clingy as fuck, and is mature to know I’m also a full time student and full time worker and full time caregiver I could try a relationship. The next thing I knew, she sent this!
Her last text
I just kind of stood there and was like “umm… Okay then? This sounds like how I was back in high school.”
I’m not a total heartless bitch, I did feel slightly bad about her situation of needing to move out on short notice. But I found it funny that she had to cut things off fast again, so Bucky, and my other friend are making jokes about it- which led to the birth of my last poem.
okay for the record, im 22 and technicaly a virgin due to not being penetrated or orally gone down on… so yes clearly im repressing a lot and just want to have sex inside a relationship and not wait for marriage anymore!
Ode to a lonely night
Whacking my clit to porn.
Hearing Mercedes Carrera moan
While a young girl eats her pussy.
I reach the point of no return
Arching my back
Higher
Faster
Ah
OH
GOD
YESSS
FUCKING YES!
At this point, I have climaxed.
My nipples are aching to be sucked on
Minutes go by as I lay there slowly getting
The sensation back in my clit as it becomes
Limp
What?
I thought…
Since when do clits get hard?
They most certainly do when your 22
Ah yes.
22
The big double 2
When most are supposedly getting off
With their Research Methods partners
Frolicking in a fucking empty classroom.
No.
Once you become me,
You’ll see.
Empty nights trying to get off to porn
Really gets fucking old.
Older than that crusty cum Kleenex
Laying in the garbage can next to my bed.
Round 2:
It’s Sasha Grey’s moan that makes me hard.
I close my eyes while rubbing my clit faster
I think of my professor, just stripping
Stripping that sun dress as she moans
Descartes’ theory of existence
Oh god, I think
Therefore I cum
Make me cum so I exist
Cum to live
Eyes are open, and my hand is wet….
During the day, my mind is filled with hunger
And my stomach is probably filled with gas
Class makes me tired, at least on Mondays
Budgeting makes me soft
But come Tuesday
And I am all hot and bothered and longing
Longing to drag that teller in the back room
And shoving her face in my pussy
Longing to meet that tinder date
And ram his dick so far in my ass
That I throw up cum.
Longing to go back to my childhood friend
And eating out her sister
But I’m only 22
Twenty fucking two
And want to be in that pussy
For the next fucking 22 years.
Apart from the agonizing pain of wanting to tear out every strand of hair from my body bc of class and my mom starting dialysis, get get the strangest Facebook message from Brooklyn, aka the girl I started to fall for little by little when I was in law school… So from about 1.5 years ago. She asked me for my number again only to send me this…
Brooklyn’s text
Instead, I kept thinking about Bucky. She’s been there for me through everything these past few years. But- it was after Brooklyn that I got the nerves to ask Bucky out.
I told Brooklyn why not- let’s give it another shot especially now that I’m back in Illinois and so I’m 200 miles away.
Guess time will tell. It’s just crazy that I stopped looking for anyone, and then this happened.
It’s finals time for me for my online class. Yet spring break for all my other classes. When will I have a moment to myself???
me in a nutshell
Gah. I hate labor laws. But it’s interesting. Like I could totally read on about Norris-La Guerta act all day long if I wasn’t graded on it.
I want to strike while I write a paper on strikes.
OTL
And top it off: I have yet to do any homework for my other classes.
Life in a Nutshell 